Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures.
THE YEARNING
CHAPTER TWENTY ONE
NOVEMBER, 2377
Sickbay was quiet when Kathryn arrived there. Only The Doctor was present, clearing up after his last patient, and his humming was the only sound in the room.
"Ah, Captain," he said when he saw her enter. "Good evening. How may I help you?"
"That's for you to tell me," Kathryn answered.
At this, The Doctor made his way over to her. "I see," he said in concern. "You are unwell. And, for you to complain, it must be serious. What are your symptoms?"
"Not that serious, Doctor. Just pains of the female kind. I have bad menstrual cramps...far worse than normal...and heavy bleeding too. I've taken painkillers but they haven't helped much."
"That's because any old painkillers won't do," The Doctor declared. "A specific complaint needs specific medication. That's why you should always come to me for a prescription."
"They're just period pains," Kathryn argued. "Regular painkillers should..." But she couldn't finish her sentence as crippling cramps silenced her. All she could do was clutch her abdomen and wait for the agony to pass.
"Please, lie down," The Doctor said, helping her onto a biobed. "I will examine you. While menstrual symptoms can vary from month to month, it is quite unusual for them to suddenly become severe. Becoming so suggests an underlying problem."
"Such as?" Kathryn asked as she lay on her back.
"We'll soon find out."
With that, The Doctor picked up his tricorder, switched it on, and then scanned her.
"As I suspected," he said as he finished, "you're not suffering from menstrual pains. I'm afraid to say you're..."
"What?" Kathryn asked as he hesitated.
"Suffering a miscarriage," The Doctor answered sadly.
For a long moment Kathryn just stared at him. A miscarriage? A pregnancy? But how?
Then the answer hit her.
Jaffen.
"You were approximately five weeks pregnant," The Doctor continued, "but your body has rejected the embryo due to abnormalities. Humans and Norvalens are not reproductively compatible. I'm sorry."
Tears filled Kathryn's eyes as the reality sank in. Pregnant. She had been pregnant. Pregnant and had not known. Even though she'd spent the last six weeks trying to forget Jaffen and Quarren, to come to terms with an experience that had opened up old wounds and inflicted new ones, she could only feel pain at this news. For so many years she had longed for a child, longed to conceive a new life and feel it grow inside her, but always it had seemed an impossible dream. Now that dream had almost come true.
Almost.
The story of her life.
Just when anything good seemed to be within reach, the cruel hand of fate snatched it away.
Snatched it and left her yearning.
Yearning and hurting.
"We can," The Doctor went on, "wait for nature to take its course, which will take anything from days to weeks, or we can opt for surgical completion. As you are in pain, and suffering heavy bleeding, I recommend surgery. The procedure is routine and you will be able to resume normal activity within hours."
Kathryn closed her stinging eyes. "Then...we'll do that," she said quietly.
The Doctor reached for a hypospray and prepared it. "I really am sorry, Captain," he said when it was ready. "I know this pregnancy was not planned, and you are hardly in a position to have a baby, but every life is special and...I'm sorry."
His words of sympathy just hurt her more so Kathryn brushed them off. "Just...just get on with it, Doctor," she urged. "Please..."
The Doctor nodded. "Very well, Captain."
He then put the hypospray to her neck and all went black.
Alone in the mess hall at midnight, Kathryn sat before a window of streaming stars, a cup of hot chocolate in her hands. The Doctor had told her to rest, even to take a couple of days off to recover, but Kathryn didn't want to rest. Rest just made her think. Think like she was doing now. Think about things she didn't want to think about. Think about her life, about the course it had taken, about the course it would take, and about the mistakes she had made. There were so many. If only she hadn't dated Neal; if only she and Justin hadn't gone on that test flight; if only she hadn't shut out Mark; if only she hadn't got Voyager stranded; if only she hadn't messed things up with Chakotay so many times...
Chakotay.
Nothing had been the same between them since that night of the fancy dress ball. They were still friends, still comrades, but there was a distance between them that had never been there before. Chakotay was more guarded in what he said and did, no longer taking the liberties he had done in the past, and she was more reserved. They still enjoyed each others company, but getting so close to the line had pushed them further away from it than ever. For so long they had settled at that distance, made their peace with that gap, but now...now it seemed they were drifting further away again. Since Quarren they had only dined together twice and those meals had been strained.
Strained because of her.
Different because of her.
Different because she was different.
Different because of Jaffen.
Even after all these weeks she hadn't come to terms with what had happened. Not completely. Perhaps, after today, she never would. No doubt Chakotay put the change in her down to losing Jaffen, to a broken heart, but he couldn't be more wrong. While she'd loved Jaffen under mind control, she didn't love him now. How could she? She'd never loved him in the first place. Not of her own free will. She was a different Kathryn when she fell in love with him. A Kathryn who had not lived her life. He was just...just a memory. A memory she wished she didn't have. A lover she wished she didn't remember. While most of her time on that planet was shrouded in mist, lost to memory, some scenes were ingrained. Some scenes of intimacy. In those scenes she could feel his body next to hers, feel his lips and hands caress her body, feel him move inside her, feel the pleasure. Just seconds, just flashbacks, but she felt it. Felt the pleasure. A pleasure she had never known before. A pleasure she wished she did not know. Not that way. It felt...it felt like another violation. Rape of a different kind. Only Jaffen was not to blame. He'd had no idea about the mind control. His love for her had been genuine. It was those who had altered her memories that were to blame. Those who had raped her of her identity. But it was not them she remembered. It was Jaffen. It was his hands, his lips, his body, his face. And the memories made her feel sick. All she could do was hope she would forget them. That, in time, she would remember Jaffen only like she did those other men she had slept with. Men who were just a blur in her mind.
So many men.
So many bodies.
What was one more?
A reminder of what could have been. When she was that Kathryn, that Kathryn who did not remember her life, she had been normal. She had given her heart to a man, her body and her soul, and had made a home with him. Never had she done that as herself. Never had she made a home with a man. But when she was someone else, a woman untainted by the taint, she had lived the life she could have lived had she never met Neal. The life she wanted to live. The woman she wanted to be. Jaffen was a painful reminder of the innocence she had lost.
A reminder and the father of her child.
The child she desperately wanted. The child that had lived and died inside her. The child she would never know.
And it hurt. It hurt so much that she could not let herself feel the pain. Not on Voyager. All she could do was suppress it. Bury it deep inside where she buried so many pains from the past.
Life was cruel.
Life was a brutal road of thorns and she was tired of being pricked.
Tired of the splinters.
Tired of the bleeding.
All she wanted was to sleep. To sleep and never wake up. Then she would be free.
Free of the yearning.
Free of the hurting.
But she could not give in. Could not curl up and die like a wounded animal. A crew was depending on her to get them home. For them she had to live. For them she had to fight.
But she was tired.
Tired of fighting.
Tired of the fight.
And then...
And then someone was speaking.
Chakotay was speaking.
"Burning the midnight oil again, I see."
Kathryn looked up from her drink to find him standing beside her, a glass of water in his right hand.
"Yes," she answered. "But evidently so are you."
"I'm on the late shift."
At this, Kathryn averted her eyes. Who was on what shift had completely slipped her mind. "Of course," she replied quietly.
"And you're on early tomorrow," Chakotay said as he sat opposite her. "Which means you should be resting."
"I can't sleep," she declared. "Besides, I've swapped shifts with Tuvok."
"I see," he answered.
Kathryn gazed sadly into her mug, losing herself in her own world, and Chakotay looked at her in concern. Not only was she pale and drawn, but she seemed to have lost weight. Her cheek bones were more pronounced and her hands were skeletal. While he'd expected it to take time for her to get over what had happened on Quarren, for her feelings for Jaffen to fade as she fully recovered her sense of self, he hadn't expected the incident to hit her this hard. But he'd evidently underestimated the depth of her feelings for Jaffen. Maybe because he wanted to. For if she loved Jaffen, truly and deeply, then it meant she no longer loved him. That he didn't want to accept. Even after all this time he still loved her. Still hoped for a life with her when they got home. His promise to let her go was the one promise to her he had never kept. Because he couldn't let her go. Every part of him protested. Every part of him refused. As long as there was a hope, even just a small one, that they could be together when Voyager got home, he couldn't let her go.
But maybe now he had to.
Maybe now he had to accept that they were not meant to be.
Accept it once and for all. Love, when loving alone, would never be loved back. Kathryn had loved him once, of that he felt sure, but he couldn't help wonder if she'd ever loved him as much as he loved her. His heart hoped so, but his mind doubted it. Mark, he believed, she really wanted. They'd been engaged when Voyager got stranded and, for Kathryn to have wanted to marry him, she must have loved him very much. Kathryn was not one to give her heart lightly. It was only natural, therefore, that a part of her still loved him. That a part of her had never stopped. That a part of her still wanted him.
And yet...
And yet she had come to terms with their separation quickly. It had been so easy to forget that she was an engaged woman because she had seemed to forget it. From the very start a chemistry had been between them, a magic he had never felt with anyone else, and she had flirted with him as much as he had flirted with her. Even in that out of time experience of not so very long ago, that Kathryn of seven years ago had flirted with him. It was almost as though that Kathryn was not engaged. A woman, deeply in love and looking forward to her wedding, would not wonder how close she would get to a stranger. Much less one she was meant to be capturing. It was all so...
All so puzzling.
Confusing.
But his relationship with Kathryn had always been complex. Perhaps it always would be. Or perhaps it was just his feelings that made it so. His holding on to them. If he let them go, if he finally let Kathryn go, then perhaps their relationship would be easier. If she had loved him, loved him as she'd said, she clearly did no more. It was Jaffen she loved now. Jaffen she wanted. She had moved on. It was time he did too.
Time to try.
And he would. From this moment on, he would. He would try to keep his promise.
But he would always be there for her. That promise he would keep too. Whenever she needed him, he would be there. He would be there as her friend and he would be there as her First Officer.
And he had to be there now.
For Kathryn was clearly hurting, clearly in need of help, and no matter how bruised his own heart was, her needs had to come first.
"You know," he said, "it's been a while since we dined together. How about tomorrow? I'll cook us something special."
Kathryn was a long time in answering. She wanted to say yes, wanted to with all her heart, but she was afraid to. Afraid that what was left of her strength would crumble in his presence. With every one else, every one but Tuvok, she could put on an act. Could play the tough captain even when she was feeling vulnerable. But with Chakotay she couldn't. Over the years she had tried, but he had never fallen for the act. He knew when she was weak, knew when she was afraid, knew when she was hurting. He didn't always know the reason, and of her darkest demons he didn't have a clue, but he knew when she was in pain. Knew and tried to help.
Help.
She needed help. Needed comfort. Needed love.
So desperately needed love.
So desperately needed Chakotay.
Every part of her ached to be in his arms, to be held by him like she had that sacred night she would forever cherish, to be rocked and cradled until all her hurt was gone.
But she didn't belong in his arms. Did not have the right to ask to be there.
Could not be there.
And yet...
And yet if they were alone, in his quarters or hers, and her all too fragile defenses collapsed, then she could end up there.
Could end up there crying.
And that she could not let happen.
Not again.
It was better to avoid him. Better to try and heal her hurt alone. Better to try and bury the pain.
Always bury the pain.
"I...I can't," she said at last. "'I'll be working tomorrow evening. Tuvok's shift doesn't end until 22:00 hours."
"Then how about Friday?"
"I have plans," she lied.
"Then next Wednesday? That was always our day."
Our day.
Those words were all it took. All it took for her defenses to crack. For tears to break through them. Tears that she cursed herself for letting fall and desperately tried to fight. Why did Chakotay always get through her shields? How did he always open her floodgates? All it took was a word, a touch, or even a look. Damn him for that!
And then...
And then Chakotay's hand was on hers, squeezing gently. "Kathryn..."
"I'm ok," she said, withdrawing her hand. "I just...I'm ok."
"You're not, Kathryn," Chakotay insisted. "You're far from ok. You haven't been ok since Quarren. Don't think I haven't noticed. You've lost weight and are isolating yourself more than ever. For the crew you're trying to be strong, but I know that...that inside you're hurting. And you don't have to. If you miss Jaffen this much then...then we can turn this ship around and go back for him. You don't have to be alone. No one expects it. And Jaffen he...well, he wouldn't be your First Officer. There would be no command structure to compromise."
Kathryn's wet eyes returned to her drink. Returned to the milky pool of thought. She was right then. He did put the change in her down to missing Jaffen. It was the logical conclusion. And, while she should be grateful for his understanding and support, she could not help but be unsettled by his words. She liked to think that he was putting her needs before his own, her happiness, just like he'd always promised he would, but a part of her feared his words meant he had stopped loving her. That he no longer cared if she was involved with another man. Once he had cared. Once he had been jealous when an alien had been interested in her. While he had never said anything, had never stood in her way, she had seen the hurt on his face. But now...
Now she didn't know what he felt for her. Sometimes she thought she saw love in his eyes, the same love that had always been there, and sometimes when they touched the chemistry was still there, but other times she just saw and felt the care of a friend.
A friend.
A dear and precious friend.
And yet friendship was not enough. Not for her. She needed so much more. Ached for so much more.
But she had wanted him to move on, had urged him to move on, so if he had she should be grateful. And she was. Even though it hurt, she was. Because the one thing she wanted as much as getting Voyager home was for him to be happy. If he no longer loved her, if he really had moved on, then maybe he would be.
"We can't," she finally said. "Go back. Jaffen is where he belongs and...and so am I. I'm just...I'm going to need time."
Chakotay lowered his eyes and stared into his drink the way she was staring into hers. He was right then. She did love Jaffen. Loved Jaffen and not him anymore.
Time to let go.
"And I don't want to talk about this," Kathryn went on. "I know you mean well, and I'm grateful, but...I don't want to talk about this."
"I think we should," Chakotay said, looking up. "Your happiness and well being is important. If..."
"All that matters to me," she interrupted, "is the happiness and well being of this crew. What I need and want is irrelevant. It always has been and always will be. You, above all people, should know that." Fresh tears filled her eyes. "Please, don't make this harder than it is."
"I just..."
"Worry about me, I know," she interjected again. "But you don't have to. I'll be fine. Now I...I'd better say goodnight."
"There's no need to leave," Chakotay said as she stood. "Finish your drink...please."
"I've lost my taste for it," she answered. "See you tomorrow."
Then, without waiting for a reply, she left.
As she did, Chakotay watched her go. Watched her go as he had so many times in the past. Watched her go with the usual heavy heart. And, as he watched her go, all he could hope was that Voyager would get home soon. Little by little this quadrant was destroying Kathryn. The burdens and responsibilities were destroying her. The loneliness of command. He had changed too, he knew, but his changes he believed were for the better. He was no longer the angry warrior of seven years ago. No longer a grief-stricken man hell bent on revenge for the massacre of his family. While he had not yet found true peace, he was more at peace than he had ever been in his life. Sometimes he was lonely, unbearably so, but his life had a purpose and direction that made it worth living. He was a better man for their journey. A better man for knowing Kathryn.
The same, however, could not be said for her. Seven years ago she was an affectionate, fun loving woman with everything to live for. She had a stellar career, a wonderful fiancé, and a bright future to look forward to. Now she was a withdrawn, lonely woman who lived only to get Voyager home. It was a noble purpose, a worthy cause, but he wanted more for her. He wanted her to be happy. He wanted her to love and be loved. Kathryn was a woman who needed that. A warmhearted, moral woman, who needed and deserved humanoid affection. If they were not to get home soon, if their journey was destined to be longer, he could only hope she would start to make a life for herself on Voyager. That she would find love and happiness during their long journey home. Find someone like Jaffen who was not under her command. Someone who could join Voyager as a civilian.
But if Kathryn needed to start making a life for herself, he knew he had to start making one for himself too. It had never seemed right to date other women when he was still in love with Kathryn, and for that reason he never had, but maybe it was time to try. Dating didn't have to be a declaration of love. It could be just two people coming together to see if there was a spark. If he didn't give other women a chance, didn't try to find a connection with someone else, he would never know if he could.
He would have to try.
Finally, after so many years of holding on, he would have to let Kathryn go.
A FEW WEEKS LATER
"Hi, Commander," Naomi said to Chakotay as she skipped up to him as he made his way through Voyager's corridors to the cargo bay. "Going to see Seven?"
"As it happens, yes," Chakotay replied.
"On ship business?"
"What else?"
"Personal, perhaps," she declared. "Romantic, perhaps."
Chakotay stopped walking and turned to the impish child. "Seven and I are just comrades."
"Not to her you're not," Naomi answered. "She's in love with you."
At this, Chakotay could only smile. "I hardly think so, Naomi. But I'm flattered you think so."
"I don't think so," she went on. "I know so. Seven told me."
"Then you must have misheard her."
"I didn't. She told me plainly. Or rather, she confessed it when I made her. She's been in love with you for ages. Every time you look at her she gets this look on her face, like she's just stepped into the sun, and when you talk to her she gets all fidgety. Seven never gets fidgety. At least, not unless her cortical node is acting funny. I've told her to ask you out on a date but she won't. She says you don't feel the same. She says you love the captain. But you don't, do you, Commander? I mean, you do love her, like we all do, but not like a boyfriend loves a girlfriend. If you did then you and her would have been married a long time ago. But Seven loves you like a girlfriend does and she wants you to be her boyfriend. Ask her out, Commander. You'll have a great time, I know you will."
Thankfully, Icheb arrived at that moment so Chakotay never had to respond.
"Icheb," he said, turning to the former drone, "I would like a word with you."
Naomi spoke. "If it's about him missing his class this morning, I can explain. We were playing dovenol in the holodeck, a real fast hoverball game, when I fell and cut my head open. We'd forgot to put the safeties on, you see, and I smacked myself against a tree. It hurt real bad, Commander, real bad, and Icheb had to take me to sickbay. That's why he didn't make his class."
"Thank you for the explanation, Miss Wildman," Chakotay said, "but I have already heard it from Icheb. I wish to speak to him about another matter." He then addressed Icheb. "Report to my office at 15:00 hours."
Icheb gave a nod. "Yes, Sir."
Naomi then took Icheb's arm. "Come on, Icheb, let's go to the mess hall."
"But I want to see Seven," he protested.
"You can see her later. The Commander needs to see her first." The half-Katarian then turned back to Chakotay. "Remember what I said, Commander. Ask her."
She then pulled Icheb away and hurried with him down the corridor. As they went, Chakotay resumed his walk to the cargo bay and found Seven there about to regenerate.
"Good afternoon, Commander," she said. "Do you wish to speak to me or are you here for another reason?"
"I'm here to see you," he replied. "We're approaching a region of space that is reported to have high Borg activity and I'd like to know if it belongs to the Borg."
"What you mean is you'd like me to tell you if it belongs to the Borg."
"Yes," he answered.
"Then I'm afraid I will have to disappoint you. While I retain much of the information I assimilated as a drone, I do not retain it all. I don't know who this region of space belongs to. If belongs to the Borg, and I once knew that, I no longer do." She hesitated. "I'm sorry."
"No need to apologize," Chakotay said kindly. "If you don't know, you don't know."
"I desire always to be of use. My knowledge is useful. Without that knowledge I am useless. What is useless is expendable."
Chakotay stepped forward. "Is that how you feel, Seven? Expendable to this crew?"
"At times. I have always strived to fit in, but I still, like a seabird in a desert, feel out of place."
"I'm sorry to hear that. We all think very highly of you and consider you one of us."
"B'Elanna Torres does not think highly of me. She..tolerates...me."
"B'Elanna tolerates a lot of people. Your relationship with her does not speak for your relationship with everyone else. The Captain considers you a friend, The Doctor, Naomi, and Icheb too. Don't think for a moment that you're not cared for."
"But I am still considered Borg by many. No matter how hard I work to recover my humanity, I am still considered Borg." She averted her eyes and lowered her voice. "I am still considered Borg by you."
At this, Chakotay looked at her sadly. His opinion of her was clearly important to her. And, if it was important, then maybe there was some truth in Naomi's words. Maybe Seven did have romantic feelings for him. And if she did then...then he had to tread carefully. Seven was vulnerable and he didn't want to hurt her. There had been enough pain in her life, enough tragedy. If she was attracted to him, if he was the first man she trusted with her heart, then he had to treat it with care. And he would. And that would start with being honest. For he could not deny the truth of her words. To him she had always been an ex-drone, a child locked in an adult's body, the child he had met when they had linked on that fateful day she was severed from the Collective. Always she had been Kathryn's protege and The Doctor's experiment. He had never taken the time to get to know the woman she had become. And, as he stood there looking at her, of that he felt deeply ashamed.
"You're right," he confessed. "To me you have always been Borg. An ex-drone in need of rehabilitation. But I would like that to change. I would like us to become friends."
At this, Seven's face lit up. "You would?"
"Starting from today. So, how about we get to know each other better over a meal tonight?"
Seven smiled, a beautiful smile that Chakotay had never seen her smile before. A smile that warmed his heart and made it skip a beat.
"I...I would like that," she said.
"Then my quarters, 20:00 hours?"
Seven nodded. "I'll be there."
Chakotay smiled now, a smile that took Seven's breath away, and all she could do was gaze at him. Gaze at him with a genuine adoration that he hadn't seen in a woman's eyes for a long time. Too long. And it felt good. The flutters inside as he gazed into hers felt good. And, as he walked away from her and out of the cargo bay, for the first time in years his heavy heart felt a little lighter.
END OF CHAPTER TWENTY ONE