Chapter 20 – The Fear Inside Our Bones

Hey guys! I hope you guys like this chapter a lot, I've worked hard on it! I've been sick for the past few days so not only have I felt like utter s*** but I've been able to write more! Yay? Yay!? Idk anymore! Haha, I just hope all of you enjoy this chapter! If you like it please FOLLOW it for more, FAVORITE to help me write more and REVIEW to help me get better! Thank you guys!

Thank you's: Onyx Thanatos Theodore Lerins, thank you so much for reviewing! Yes I know, it's very frustrating, and it will probably get even more frustrating with Eric's responses. But it gets better, I promise! :)

iamUNSINKABLE, Thank you so much! I hate being completely obvious because I feel like that gives too much away but I'm glad that you found Eric opening up more even though I guess it was more physical giving in than verbal confession. Of course it was steamy! Idk when our next steamy kiss will be *hint hint* but hopefully soon. And yes, knowing Eric, he will reject all meaning and closeness, i.e. this chapter. I think in this chapter though we see much more than Eric was willing to let on and it starts off like that, which is tough for him. So distance is his only coping mechanism, if that makes sense? I hope all is well and I'm always here for support as usual! Much love and kudos! :))

XWarrior, you do not know how much your beautiful words inspired me and made me feel so special! I would hardly think I'm a poet or anything like that but this is just something I love to do and as long as others enjoy it that's all that matters to me, so I'm so happy you love it that much! Honestly your opinion means the entire world to me and receiving that review just made me a million times happier! I'm always thankful for your support of my writing and your ideas! I'm trying to work on Ashe's inner voice because I felt like for a few chapters I kind've lost her there, but hopefully she's making a return! :D Thank you as always for your entirely sweet words and support! Love you so much! I hope you enjoy! :))) ∞

Leneah1, thank you so much for your sweet words! I'm glad that you love the story and love Eric's attitude. Sometimes I feel like I'm being pulled towards the Eric I want him to be and the Eric he probably would be at this point. Also I'm so happy to hear you love my OC. As being a product of my own mind and heart, it means the world to me! And as for saving our fiery girl Ashe...we'll just have to see! With much love I hope you enjoy this chapter! :)

Go check out the amazing stories by these fantastic authors!

Aria, dangerous beauty in a Divergent World by XWarrior

Nicotine and The Sound of Silence by iamUNSINKABLE (Plus another story I must begin reading) :D

Dauntless Bootcamp by Leneah1

Remnants by Onyx Thanatos Theodore Lerins (Even though I have to finish the HP series)

Previously...

Even if he wouldn't admit it, he cared enough about me to not let me die. To let me sleep in his bed. For it to be more than nothing. That night the sheets were cold and I found myself distinctly missing a powerful and warm body holding me near enough to touch only the exterior. My beautifully broken tormentor.

"We were made with pain inside of us

With the choice to feel just enough

Or grit our teeth and take the whole thing down

We were made with fear inside our bones

The kind that makes you feel alone

So hold on just breathe and figure out"

– Fear Inside Our Bones, The Almost

The peaceful silence of the night was sharply broken by a long, throaty cry.

My fingers clawed at my ears, pushing out the sounds that seemed to ricochet around the room. At first I thought the howling was coming from inside my head until my palms closed over the sides of my head and the noise became muffled. I blinked, my eyes taking time adjusting to the darkness of the room before I heard another low pitched howl. It sounded like the worst pain I had ever heard anyone been in. I threw myself out of bed and through the doorway of Eric's apartment. Everything was dark, the lights out and only a small shimmer of moonlight streaming in through the window situated by the hallway. My foot found the corner of a small table and I let out a low hum of curses.

Shoving Eric's door open with a large push and a grunt, I found him sprawled on his bed, clutching his sheets with a violence like I've never seen.

His neck was straining away from the pillow, his head thrown back as he let out an animalistic growl. I rushed over to his side, climbing on top of the bed. I was afraid that I would jostle him but it didn't seem like he was awake, rather, he was completely asleep.

"Eric!" I shoved his shoulder, watching as his head pushed back further, a sheen of sweat coating his body and his tattoos. "Eric!" I grabbed his shoulders and yanked, pulling him closer to my side as best as I could. Moving him was like trying to move a tree, something firmly planted within firm ground. His fingers wrapped around my wrist and held on with vicious power.

"You'll never get shit out of me!" Eric snarled, hissing through his teeth, his body arching off the bed. Finally having enough, I moved our positions on the bed and straddled his hips, putting just enough pressure down on him to keep him restrained.

"Eric, please, wake up." I was shaky, beyond scared of what I was witnessing, but I knew I had to wake Eric up, for his sake. "If you hear my voice you need to wake up. Eric!" He jolted awake, his body going rigid and his posture sagging against the bed.

The stubbly skin of his jaw ticked carefully as his eyes widened and consciousness alerted to him his surroundings. Without having a moment to catch my breath or even ask a question, his strong arms engulfed my body into his and the overheating of his body set mine aflame. This was what I was afraid of happening, being so close to his body the only thing I craved was his touch, his kiss. Even in this moment. I pushed those thoughts out of my head with a fervid groan and craned my neck so that my terrified gaze could meet his.

I had never seen him like this; so utterly defeated and scared. I could feel the hum of his muscles around my waist as he held me to him with a barely restrained death vise. The fatigue of being awaken so violently began to slowly weigh my body and mind down no matter how many questions I wanted to ask him began to pile up within my thoughts.

"Ashe..." Eric nuzzled his lips against my shoulder, his eyes wide and dazed. His fingers trailed over my spine and crushed me to him in a strange flurry of bed sheets and body. "Ashely. Don't leave," he rasped out, emphasizing it with a shake of his head. "Please don't leave." I curled against his body, surprised at his admission. I wouldn't have just left him here even if he wanted me too. This felt too dark and too real to ever be let go. I massaged his shoulder blades carefully, feeling the soft indent of scars I knew would stand out if I held his skin to the light. Working out the strain and the tenseness that his body held within his muscles, I watched his body slowly relax as he realized I was here and that I wasn't leaving, but apparently he needed confirmation.

"I won't." I whispered carefully, dragging my lips to his temple reassuringly. I could taste the slight saltiness of his skin and I pulled myself away for my green eyes to meet his vast blue ones. "I'm not going anywhere."

I couldn't fall asleep until I felt the soft rise and fall of his chest, his breath gusting over my hair with every peaceful moment. If Eric pretended not to be afraid of what I had seen tonight, the way I had seen him, then the fear in my bones could account for both of us.

The sun beat down on my back, sweat gathering at the base of my neck. I opened my eyes, squinting as light poured into the dark bedroom and illuminated the shadows from earlier that morning. My arm was slung over Eric's side of the bed. I didn't fail to notice that his side was empty, automatically leaving an emptiness next to my side. Some mornings he would curl against my body and other mornings he would be up before me, quietly sipping coffee or reading his messages from Max or some other leader. They always involved 'important things'.

Quickly maneuvering off the bed, I stretched my legs and pushed against my back. Two loud pops sounded before the ache of my muscles and bones set in. I pulled on a new pair of leggings and a red boyfriend sweater, the material bunching around my waist and arms. Pushing the door open with a creak, I found Eric on the couch with his legs crossed. He was wearing lounge pants and was shirtless–of course. If it wasn't for the loud sound of the door opening, I would've been able to get a better peek at just how many scars he had but he was fast enough to turn around and cut off my perusal.

His eyes passed over my own disinterestedly and he continued reading his emails. "Coffee's on the counter." I sucked in a breath and made my way over to the island in the kitchen, grabbing the still hot coffee by it's base and blowing on it. I wasn't going to live last night down so easily, and I knew he figured the same thing. Eric was tense, his shoulders squared off as if he was already looking for a fight.

"Are you okay?" I asked, glancing at him quickly before taking a long drink and turning away. I couldn't look at him now and think of the shattered man I saw last night. I hated how he could slip back into the stupid shield he protected himself with and I wished he could just trust me the way I trusted him. Trusted him with my life. Slowly fear creeped up my neck and I wondered if he would completely shut me out now.

"Why wouldn't I be?" He responded cooly and I could already tell that he was ready to completely shut himself off.

I made a small noise in my throat before replying. "Eric, I saw you last night..." I shook my head and restrained myself from shivering at the thought of how needy he had been to have me against him. "That wasn't okay."

"I'm fine." Eric snapped, shutting his laptop and plopping it onto the couch. Quickly standing up he placed the cup in the sink and turned to look at me.

"I'm not stupid–" I started, cut off by Eric's harsh response.

"You must be. Don't feel too ashamed, a lot of Erudites are nowadays." The knowing smirk that passed his features made anger shoot through my body like hot, coursing magma and all I could think of doing was slapping him across his smug little grin. I bit the inside of my cheek, suppressing the need to snap back at him, and instead took a small step forward in his direction. Erudites had a technique for dealing people who just shut off, and it involved not giving them the response they needed to run away.

"You don't have to get like this, you know. Not with me."

He took a deep breath and I steadied myself for his next words. "I don't see why you're so different." I stared at him, waiting for something to tell me that what he was saying wasn't true but I couldn't find any hints that he was lying. Last night couldn't have been nothing, right? Or had I just read too much into him? He had said it meant nothing.

Nothing.

But he had also said he wanted me stay. That couldn't mean nothing.

When I spoke my voice came out high and off pitch and I hated how close I felt to dragging the answers out of him like he was dragging my emotions around. "Why are you pushing me away?"

"You assume you were ever close." His words hit me like a physical blow, almost harder than that of the initiates who had made sure to thoroughly beat me up. I could feel my lip trembling and for the first time in what seemed like forever, my head fell and I gave in. I gave in to what Eric was saying and I no longer felt like I could even stand. I had no more fight.

I didn't know whether he's looking at me or not and something in me didn't even want to know. I have had to stare him down and drag answers out of him and I couldn't help but kick myself repeatedly, my heart racing with every mental blow, as I discredited all of our time together. All I've ever been to Eric was some initiate who couldn't defend herself, who was afraid. If I was anything more Eric would happily pretend like it wasn't.

The pain in the middle of my chest was familiar, the way my heart pounded and my ears were drowning out the sound of the birds chirping in the room. I bit my lip, hard, to keep it from trembling and showing weakness in front of him.

If I was going to get anywhere with Eric I couldn't be afraid, of him or of anything else.

I had to show that I deserved to be in Dauntless, that I was Dauntless. And a small part of me that was eager to be heard knew that I had to prove myself to Eric to ever gain his trust in me.

I turned the corner angrily–half at Eric, half at myself–and grabbed my training jacket off of the post by the door and grabbed the handle.

"Where are you going?" I didn't turn back to look at him, instead leaving his apartment with the loud bang of the door ringing throughout the corridor.

Who cares if I didn't have breakfast, I had to bring myself up in the rankings. And fast.

The loudness of the pit didn't surprise me anymore and neither did the catcalls of men in the sparring rings or the children running around. I was a little shocked to find the kids playing with wooden swords, fighting even at a young age. With loud screeches of happiness they ran past me. If I made it these would be my people. I would be a part of them. The murmuring of conversations lost to me hung over the silence I remembered within the Erudite facility, how everything was sterile and peaceful. My memory of that place only made me hate it more.

I stomped off angrily, past the rocks and the rings of people shouting, past the small shops until I had climbed up two stairwells of hard stone and made it outside of a hair salon.

I had been here only a while before. Lately weeks and days meshed together, time lost when most of the Dauntless compound was underground. All that mattered was making it past the first part of training and into the second. Walking hesitantly into the empty establishment, I could find no one but the cashier and the woman I was looking for.

I stepped up to her as she swept away the dirt from the dark grey, polished looking floor. Her black length dress reached her ankles and was ripped in many places, exposing cuts in the fabric that left little to the imagination. Her head perked up as I neared her and I swallowed down the fear and the bile that had risen in my throat. I shouldn't be afraid of this woman. She was just like me.

"Well, what should I owe this pleasure to?" Tiffany murmured sarcastically, leaning the broom on the counter and crossing her arms above her chest defensively. I laughed inwardly at the thought we could ever be equals but the only true thing we had in common was our divergence.

I sized her up with her eyes, trying to back her down using one of Eric's techniques, but she was more confident than me. "I want to know what my test results were." Tiffany almost jumped over the counter, fiddling with a small radio until music played throughout the store. Her dark brown eyes met mine cautiously before her head tipped to a small camera in the corner of the room.

She pursed her lips and responded. "You should be more quiet and careful the next time you ask about this kind of stuff." If I thought I had seen her pissed off before, apparently I was wrong.

I raised my eyebrows at her. Next time? I didn't want to be here in the first place, I highly doubted that I would ever be here for the same answers again. Then why was I here? I couldn't answer that but I couldn't care. I needed to know what I was–who I was. The idea that I wasn't even truly Dauntless had begun eating away at my nerves over the past few days, making me even more scared to fight for myself. If I wasn't who I believed I was then I was trying to be someplace that knew I wouldn't survive.

Although I hated the fact, maybe I was meant to be factionless.

"I don't think I'll be coming back another time." I said cooly, turning my back to the camera and mimicking her actions. We both piled different beauty products on the counter and the hard rock song playing on the radio seemed fitting to the near violent aura in the room.

"You will." Her eyes met mine momentarily and I couldn't help but imagine what it would be like if she had helped more people than me. If I wasn't the only one. Would what she had told me before be even more true? It wasn't like I hadn't gotten my fair share of warnings. "During the second part of your initiation, when you're afraid to talk to Eric. To Four. You'll be alone because they're not like you and they will turn you in."

I straightened as my patience fell to an all time low. "I came here for my test scores, not for a lecture on how not to get killed." She snorted, a small laugh bubbling from her chest.

"You've defied all expectations so far." It felt like I hadn't defied any expectation at all. In fact, it distinctly felt like everything I touched or attempted failed with a big, bright burst of fire. "If you truly want to know, you're Erudite." She paused, glancing at me in the mirror. Our eyes met and for the first time since I had met her back in the decrepit room between all five factions, I saw the fear in her eyes. Tiffany wasn't afraid of me, but she was afraid of what both of us were. "And Dauntless, and Amity."

My eyes narrowed at her, this new revelation consuming every nerve in my body. The faction I wasn't expecting, Amity, seemed to be a part of me, and every jest Eric ever made about my sense of peacefulness and kindness seemed well placed. "How can they coexist?" I asked, my eyebrows drawn low.

"They can't. They're not supposed to. That's why you're in danger, you're a threat to the system and Jeanine and any of the other leaders can't control you if they want." The light haired hairstylist glanced at the cashier who seemed to be becoming increasingly suspicious of our conversation in the corner as the radio blocked us out. I took one last glance in the mirror and I couldn't help but think I looked too scared. In the mirror I couldn't help but I think I looked even more scared than Tiffany.

I sucked up my courage and turned away from her. "You have to be careful. Don't come here again until you really need it." She whispered, turning the radio down with long, slim fingers. She put her hand on the middle of my back and led me to the front of the shop.

"Good luck, Ashely."

I walked aimlessly for a few minutes, passing shops and looking straight past people. I was Dauntless. Surviving in Dauntless seemed even more possible, even more tangible as my feet fell on Dauntless stone floors.

"Ashe?" I turned at the sound of my name being called and found Four standing behind me, nervously combing his fingers through his hair.

"Four! Hey, what are you doing so far away from your computers?" I asked, trying to lighten the obviously dark and dreary mood everyone was in. I was afraid of being sucked into their melancholy so I shot Four a small smile.

Four returned my smile, tilting his head to gaze down at me. "I was taking a break, you?" Unconsciously my eyes darted to the small salon beside me and I quickly reaffirmed my gaze on Four. I didn't truly believe that Four was a threat to me like Tiffany had told me but she was right about one thing–what happened when I couldn't trust Eric enough to tell him the truth? When I truly needed him? I cleared my throat and smiled sweetly at Four because to him, nothing was wrong, unless I made it seem like something was wrong.

"I was just checking out the different hair styles," I answered calmly. "I'm thinking of dying my hair." Four nodded, but he was obviously somewhere else entirely, his gaze trained somewhere off in the distance. For some reason I was grateful for his disinterest. "Are you all right Four?"

Four seemed to take a steadying breath before moving closer to me and pointing to the camera above us with his eyes. "I saw what happened last night, with you and Eric." Fear tingled at the back of my neck and travelled down my spine as I stared at the brown haired man long enough to affirm being in shock. I stepped back from him. Four caught my forearm and I had the intense need to run away. Not only could that affect my training but who knows what it would mean for Eric. I shoved that thought away angrily, reminded of how easily he had pushed me away this morning. I hated that I still protected him. "I wiped the footage, but I want you to know that you should be careful."

I practically rolled my eyes at him.

Did I seem so weak that everyone felt the need to warn me about spending time with Eric? Sure I was sixteen, but that didn't mean I was clueless.

"Why?" I jerked my arm away from him, pulling myself together.

"Around Eric, you need to be more careful."

"You don't understand–" Four cut me off, his eyes taking on a somewhat crazed appearance.

"No, you're the one who doesn't understand. You haven't seen him, seen the things he's done like some of us have." Four released a breath and ran a hand through his disheveled hair. "Like I have. And I pity you if you ever do." I could almost feel the nerves bouncing from Four's body and for some reason I felt the need to believe him more than I felt the need to believe Tiffany or anyone else. Four had never been less than helpful to me and I couldn't see why he would warn me just because I was a kid. The haunted look behind his eyes spoke more to me about both of their pasts, and it would explain why Eric was always less than happy to see him.

What had happened to make everyone so fearful of Eric?

His personality was definitely an indicator for people to be cautious, but they warned me against him like they knew how much of a killer he was.

And he was a killer.

My skin tingled with what I thought was fear, maybe nervousness, the hairs on my arms standing on end and my body becoming restless. I thought that it was Four's warning that had put me on edge, but when I heard his voice behind me I knew what it truly was. Four's eyes widened and my back straightened, waiting for the voice that I could pinpoint anywhere. He was probably wearing a black leadership vest and dark pants, clothes that would reflect his forbidding personality, present his leadership tattoos like a trophy.

"What are you doing here, Four? Don't you have a job to do?" Eric's strict voice murmured insidiously from behind my back and I dared not turn around, afraid of the closed of man that I would be met with. I wasn't ready to face him again yet.

Four's eyes bored into my own before he moved off. "I'll get right to it sir." Before he took off, Four grasped my forearm again tightly and turned me towards him. "And Ashe? Don't forget what I told you." Four shot a severe look Eric's way. I tilted my head towards the trainer, acknowledging his words but also painfully aware of Eric's presence.

"I won't." Four walked briskly down the hall, my words hanging somewhere in the tense air, disappearing around a bend that would ultimately lead to the pit. Sucking my lip between my teeth, I desperately wished Four had taken me with him so I didn't have to face Eric. As much as seeing him made my heart clench in the most delicious of ways, I knew that whatever happened would come with a side of cold and detached.

Eric stalked in front of me, arms crossed over his chest. If I didn't know better, I would say Eric looked distinctly jealous. "What did he tell you?" Eric's eyebrows pulled down over his eyes, casting shadows over the gleaming grey orbs. I angled my chin higher and tightened my resolve.

"Like you care." I spat, turning away. I would admit that the response I gave him was entirely childish, but I definitely had earned my fair share of childish responses after the way Eric had treated me when I woke up. I knew he was dealing with something and it only pissed me off further that he'd rather run away from answering to it and opening up to me than stand like a frozen statue.

His strong hand wrapped around my arm and yanked me back to him, pressing my side against his body. I could feel his muscles shift beneath the fabric of both of our clothes and I silently prayed that I would be able to keep my thoughts in my brain before they flew away and all I was left with was my want for his skin to be on mine. The memory of how his lips had slid so sensuously over my own, so needfully. Just thinking of it made my skin burned and with that thought my hands pushed him away when I came to the realization that that might be his plan after all. To seduce me into submission the only way he knew how–using his body against mine. Of course he'd seen my reactions to him before and it was likely he knew how to use it to his advantage.

"Does it look like I was asking you?" Somewhere between the Eric I had seen yesterday and the one I had woke up to today, it was obvious that he had become lost along the way and I could feel him slipping away from me inch by excruciating inch. When had I become so attached to this painfully arrogant leader? "Answer me initiate." I recoiled at the snap of his voice, his use of the word initiate rather than Ashely, or Ashe, or even Erudite.

I turned around and glared at him, meeting him head on. "He just had advice about what I could do for my training." I smiled at him sweetly, the underlying acidity clear. Whether he liked it or not he was not going to get through to me with the way he was acting and it irked me that I wanted him to break down my walls either way.

"You're a very bad liar Ashely." Eric chastised and I stuck my bottom lip out, the action immediately catching his attention just as I had planned. Eric's grey eyes latched onto my lips and I made it obvious when I licked my lip. Batting my eyelashes, I pulled my last card.

"I'm not Candor and neither are you, so let me go." The irony that I truly didn't come with an aptitude for Candor wasn't beyond me, but I knew that Eric would get the point behind my words. Maybe I was being unreasonable but he wasn't letting me in as much as he tried to make it like he was. I turned my head away from him with my next words. "And don't use my name like that. It's Ashe."

It was true. I wasn't the girl, Ashely, that I had left behind in Erudite. I wasn't immediately intimidated by Eric. Instead, now I got a thrill by playing his same game, even though it was annoying as hell to be a part of. He had his problems, but I knew what it was like not to have anyone to lean on and Eric needed to know that he did have someone. I may have not known his entire past, but I had stuck around long enough to find out. Didn't that mean something?

But I didn't want to find out, not yet. If Eric wanted to run and hide, I'd let him, but I wasn't going to let him try and catch up so easily. Pushing Eric's hand from my wrist, I distanced myself from his intoxicating body.

"Where do you think you're going?" Eric called as I turned around, taking the same route that Four had just a few minutes ago. Swaying my hips, I threw Eric a look from over my shoulder.

"Pull some leadership strings, I'm sure you'll be able to figure it out." Where I was really going was to work off some tension. Although I well deserved a nice spa day, I highly doubted Dauntless had anything like that, so instead I took to one of Eric's best ways to relieve stress other than running and abusing initiates. The training room.

For two hours straight I trained, first spending most of my time on the punching bags until my knuckles were an ugly shade of blue and yellow and then I took to running. I ran laps around the training room, around the warehouse, up the levels and back down until I saw Dahlia standing in the front of the opening to the training room. I was anxious to see her, especially since I hadn't really gotten much private time to speak with her with everything going on. Training had been beating me up and Eric was the one occupying most of my time, so seeing Dahlia was a well welcomed relief.

What I wasn't relieved to see was the worry on her face and the tears falling from her eyes.

"Dahlia, what's wrong?" I asked, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her into a long embrace. "Did something happen?"

She hiccuped, brushing the clear drops from her cheeks. "It's Zach...he...he–"

"What about Zach?"

"Zach's in trouble...He–Zach killed Shea."