Warning! This is a disclaimer for an inappropriate joke as told by a character. Reader discretion advised.
"What? Who? Where am I?" Phineas asked.
The room was pitch black and silence taunted him.
"Dark times," a distinctive voice whispered.
"Wait! Calavier! Explain why I am here!" Phineas shouted.
"I cannot. I can only tell you that I am not the one holding you here," Calavier stated.
"Where's my family? Friends? Tell me everything!" Phineas cried.
"I can tell you nothing. I can only tell you that you will be here in the future," Calavier stated, striking fear into Phineas.
Phineas woke at once. He was frightened. He shivered under his modest covers. He squeezed his eyes shut, only to find it freaked him out more, not less.
He got up and dressed with the speed of a convict under a guillotine. He nearly ran Ferb over as he ran out of the hallway.
"Mom, I have been having bad dreams lately," Phineas confessed.
"Really? What are they about, hon?" Linda wondered. Her presence calmed him a little.
"They're about this boy from school," Phineas explained. He needed to tell someone, and he didn't think Isabella, Fiona, Candace, or Ferb would take him seriously.
"Oh! What does he do to you in your dreams?" Linda asked.
"He doesn't do anything, Mom. He is just a bystander, but he is the only thing in common," Phineas related.
"How many of these have you had?" Linda interjected.
"Two, but this kid I don't know was in both. The first one was before I ever saw his face!" Phineas exclaimed.
"And they were both terrible dreams?" Linda checked.
"Yes," Phineas confirmed. "He was just part of my first one, but in my second, he- he- it was dark, but I knew his voice."
"Maybe you should befriend this kid. He seems-" Linda started.
"No! Just, no. I- I- I just, I can't. If I befriend him, what if horrid things happen? What if Isabella dies of smoking and we all get held hostage in seperate rooms and-" Phineas ranted.
"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! First off, Isabella is a good girl; she would never smoke. Second, why would we all be held hostage? I mean, we are the calmest, most stable family in all of Danville! What odd miracle catastrophe could shake that? I mean, nothing big ever happens here, ever. Well, I guess there are birthday parties, and a couple odd days like when you built that swing set for Mrs. Weaver's nephews, but for the most part, your father will never stop drinking Earl Grey, there will always be an empty backyard for you to hang out in on a warm summer's day, and I'll always bake pies off and on. I think you, mister, need to be getting more sleep."
Phineas shot a look at his mother that gave her fear.
"You don't doubt what I said, right?" Linda called.
Phineas just put his hand on his cheek and got up and got ready for school.
After brushing his teeth, Phineas found himself pinching one of his pimples.
"Ew!" he exclaimed as he washed his hands twice.
That was when he scrunched up his eyes and covered them, and consequently screamed.
"Keep it down!" Candace yelled across the hall.
Phineas clamped his teeth together and stiffened. This was the last thing he needed at the start of his day.
Time trotted along, and soon, Phineas was boarding the bus.
When he got on, he noticed that no one was in their normal positions.
"I'm doin' the route backwards today, kids, for safety reasons," the bus driver announced.
Phineas found a seat next to Fiona, it being one of less than five open seats.
"Hi, Phineas, how you doing?" Fiona asked.
"Horrible. I had a bad morning," Phineas stated.
"What happened?" Fiona asked.
"Just awful nightmares, my sister yelling at me, and- Oh! I forgot to eat breakfast. Oh, well; it's only the most important meal of the day," Phineas explained.
"Ouch! Here could you take my jacket? I already have an extra backpack, and-" Fiona started.
"Ah!" Phineas exclaimed. He got up and ran towards the back, with Fiona's jacket covering the front of his face.
"Phineas, what are you doing?!" Fiona exclaimed.
Phineas jumped out the back window of the bus, and landed on a car's windshield that was right behind the bus, much to the stupefaction of his fellow students. Thankfully, he was able to jump to safety. The only problem now was that he had to walk, or run, to school. He felt the swift breeze chill his wan cheeks. He quickened his pace as he reached the intersection crosswalk. Misreading signs can be very dangerous; Phineas didn't notice the red hand in front of him. The car slammed on the brakes. Phineas screamed. It was a near miss. Soon, he reached his school, shaken up, but okay. He got there five minutes late.
"So class, this means that without the skin, we would all get eaten alive by prokaryotics if we didn't accidentally kill ourselves first," Heinz explained.
As Phineas walked to his seat, Fiona spoke.
"Thanks a lot for the extra luggage," Fiona sneered, more with frustration than disdain. "Do you know what happened to my jacket?"
Phineas took his backpack, covered his face with his hand, and sat down.
"Now, can anyone tell me what the outermost part of the skin is?" Heinz beckoned.
Baljeet raised his hand.
"The dermis?" Baljeet asked.
"No," Heinz denied.
"Ha! Nerd doesn't even get it right!" Buford muttered.
Phineas raised his hand.
"The subdermis?" Phineas guessed.
Heinz chuckled heartily.
"Close," he admitted.
Balthazar raised his hand.
"The upper dermis?" Balthazar guessed.
"Well, I guess, but that isn't what it's called. Anyone else?" Heinz beckoned.
Calavier raised his hand.
"That would be the epidermis," Calavier stated.
"Yes! The epidermis!" Heinz exclaimed.
"Is that the part you rub off in the shower?" Buford asked.
"Ew!" several people, including Fiona, interjected.
"I round it up into little balls," Irving stated.
"Ew!" the entire class exclaimed, except for Buford, Froyo, and choice others.
"Calm down. Calm down," Heinz instructed.
"I stick mine in my bellybutton," Richy joked.
"Gross! What kind of sick kids are in this class?" Heinz exclaimed.
"Relax, I'm joking," Richy stated. "You don't want to know what I do with my epidermis."
Many gasped.
Heinz's face hardened.
He grabbed Richy and took him out of the classroom.
Heinz returned to the classroom without Richy.
"So, class?" Heinz greeted. "Let's move onto the dermis."
· · ·
Phineas walked through the threshold. Mrs. Weaver's class was just great.
"Alright, class, take a seat! Complete as many writing exercises as you can! I want at least 20 done by the end of this class. Time is wasting!" Mrs. Weaver bellowed.
Phineas wanted to cry.
· · ·
Phineas sat down.
"All right, class, today, let's start out with a poem I wrote this morning," Monogram greeted.
Isabella was already nodding off before he reached the first stanza.
"Grace In Dawn, by Francis Monogram," Monogram started. "The bees, they fly, the trees, they sigh, the melodies pour out of fountains. The fleas will die, the sees and sights, the harmonies flow down from mountains. The doe is fed, the doves are wed, the glories we are still counting. The-"
Meanwhile, Phineas was drifting asleep.
"AUGH! My back! Ow, oh!" Francis cried.
This gave Phineas such a start, he almost screamed.
The other students were startled too, their stupors popping like oversized bubbles.
"Oh, I think I'm okay," a breathless Francis peeped.
Phineas moaned through a shiver as he tried to get back to calm.
Monogram returned to his tranquil rhythm.
"The farmer said, 'The weeds are dead!' The harvest, oh, what a bounty!" Monogram continued. "AUGH! My spine! Oahh..."
This riled Phineas even more; he was now visibly shaking.
This made all of the students tense up even more than they had before.
"Somebody call 911!" Monogram cried.
They did.
Soon, the paramedics came.
"What's going on?!" the principal interrogated upon entry to the room.
"Mr. Monogram hurt his back!" Pedro informed.
"Francis?" the principal called. "Are you okay?"
"Read them the rest of my poem for me!" Monogram cried as they took him away.
Buford went up to Mr. Monogram's desk, took the piece of paper the poem was written on, crumpled it into a little ball, and swallowed it.
"Buford!" the class exclaimed.
"What? Mr. Monogram's paper tastes the best!" Buford responded.
Fiona shook her head in disbelief.
"Alright, kids. It's lunch time!" the principal announced.
"What a bounty it is," Buford stated.
· · ·
Phineas and Isabella sat at the table, while the others went to get pizza, which was by far the most popular cafeteria lunch.
"So, how was your day?" Phineas wondered.
"Good. And yours?" Isabella asked.
"Horrible. I had a bad dream, a frustrating encounter with my mother, acne dealings, my sister yelled at me, missed breakfast, Fiona's probably mad at me because I lost her jacket, and did I mention I fell out of the bus? Nearly got hit by a car, gross-out in science, oppression in english, jump scares in history, where does it end?" Phineas moped.
"The buck doesn't stop at Mrs. What's-Her-Face," Isabella stated.
Fiona was just walking in.
"Augh, do have to do P. E. today, too?" Phineas muttered.
"I'm afraid so. Do you guys know what happened to my jacket? I have been carrying around so much stuff today, I had to get a cafeteria lunch," Fiona explained.
Phineas put his hand over his face and Isabella blushed.
"No," Isabella responded. Was that a lie? It depends. Was it dishonest? Yes.
You know what happened to it, Phineas?" Fiona wondered.
Phineas shook his head, guilt inside him, ready to pop.
"Balth, have you seen my jacket?" Fiona asked.
And so Phineas and Isabella began to talk again.
"Man, I have a litte craving," Isabella admitted.
"Craving for what?" Phineas wondered. He was cut off by someone yelling at the top of their lungs.
"You!" he cried. Then the boy threw his luncheon at the other boy, who happened to be Monty.
"What? I just got this shirt last weekend. You are so dead!" Monty grunted.
Monty threw his apple at the boy, but it went over his head and hit Buford smack dab in his sutures.
"Hey! What's the big idea! Which one of you jerks hit me in the head with an apple?" Buford bellowed. "You! You! You! Ohh, you!" Buford chucked the apple at Cecil, and it ricocheted off and went straight toward Vanessa. Ferb caught it with his right hand, aimed, and knocked Buford out with it at fifteen feet. The apple fell apart, shooting in all directions.
At this point, pandemonium ensued.
People started throwing food, knocking over tables, and beating each other up.
Fiona got a banana peel around her neck, Isabella got cheese on her foot, and Phineas got a full, bountiful key lime pie in the face.
"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" the cafateria lady shouted.
Not one offender ceased in their throwing of food.
"Stop!" she shouted through her megaphone.
Balthazar got hit in the tibia with a backpack.
By this time, many of the kids were under tables.
The chaos intensified; tables were overturned, chairs were thrown, and metal water bottles were flung.
While Phineas was getting the pie off of his face and Isabella was scraping the cheese off of her foot, Fiona went out and started cleaning up the thrown food.
Then some kid came up and started throwing full metal water bottles at Isabella's posterior.
"Ow! Ow!" Isabella exclaimed.
Phineas immediately came up to the kid, but the kid just swung his textbook at Phineas' head, and, seeing Phineas fall, reverted his focus to throwing things at someone else.
"Phineas! Oh my gosh- is that a black eye?" Isabella gasped.
Phineas just moaned in a tone of pure misery, frustration, and exhaustion.
She kissed him on the cheek and helped him up. They were on the far outskirts of the battle zone, so they weren't being assaulted.
Before long, a bunch of the staff came in, and they were all very angry that they had to leave their lunch. The kids got under control real fast.
This was really a horrible experience: The first major food fight of the year.
It seeme to take forever for everyone to get out of the cafeteria; first there was a major cleanup, and then they still had to wait longer to leave.
Eventually, they got to their physical education.
Mrs. What's-Her-Face said that they had special plans for that day.
"Alright, I'll pick three names from this jar, and whoever I pick will get the biggest workout of their life," Mrs. What's-Her-Face explained. "Let's see, first, Ferb Fletcher."
Ferb just smiled. He wasn't afraid of exerting himself.
"Shouldn't we all do the same thing?" Calavier questioned.
"No!" Mrs. What's-Her-Face stifled.
"We also have Buford Van Stomm," Mrs. What's-Her-Face informed.
These were two of the toughest kids in the class.
"And the last one is, oh! Phineas Flynn," Mrs. What's-Her-Face finished.
Phineas' jaw dropped. After all he had been through that day, he got this. He wanted to go to sleep, not just because he was tired, but because he wanted this streak to end. Of course, now was definitely not the time for that.
"Alright, we are going to start with planks. Two minutes, go!" Mrs. What's-Her-Face beckoned. "Now class, you can make it more challenging. Distract them!"
A couple kids just idled, but the rest of the class went all around Phineas and started yelling.
Phineas wasn't sure he could hold out from the beginning, but he was on the edge of collapse now. The sudden pain was intense; he never felt such a drastic increase in pain.
"Fall!" Froyo screamed.
"You can't do it! Look at those flimsy muscles," another student reasoned.
Phineas' abdominals were crying out louder and louder.
"Just tip over already!" a voice yelled.
Phineas' stress levels were skyrocketing.
His collapse was undeniable; one moment later, he collapsed.
He hurt everywhere, but nowhere more than his prefrontal cortex.
Some of the kids laughed and jeered at Phineas.
"Get up! More planks now!" Mrs. What's-Her-Face shouted.
Phineas moaned.
"No kinetic? Your grade doesn't look too good right now," Mrs. What's-Her-Face threatened.
"No," Phineas managed to squeak.
"Excuse me?" Mrs. What's-Her-Face challenged.
"I said, no," Phineas stated. "I am going to do what is best for my body."
Mrs. What's-Her-Face recoiled in surprise. "This is P.E., not yoga, runt!"
"Physical education should not contain overexertion to the point of bodily harm," Calavier countered.
"He's just a sissy," Mrs. What's-Her-Face insulted.
There was an eruption of laughter.
Phineas anger flared up.
"I have had enough of you slobs! I am taking a bathroom break," Phineas stated in stone-cold voice.
"No bathroom breaks during class!" Mrs. What's-Her-Face stopped.
At least half of the class knew that was not the right response. She shouldn't have tried to stifle him; he was just trying to get out of his anger. She was blocking his path to calming down.
"Well, I have to go! My bladder doesn't listen to other people's chidings," Phineas stated. Then he left.
"Excuse-" Mrs. What's-Her-Face started, but he was already gone. "Man, that kid! Rgh! Wait 'til he sees his referral."
Meanwhile, Phineas went to the bathroom. "Oh, come on!" he yelled as he realized the toilet seat broke.
Phineas went to another stall and sat on the toilet seat.
Taking deep breaths, he cleared his head.
"This is just today," he told himself. "I can deal with one bad day, right?"
He sent up a silent prayer without giving it much thought. He still had no strong religious opinion.
Then, as he relieved himself, he thought about his life ahead of him, something he never used to do. His whole childhood passed without a word, and that was his fault. He eventually felt much better now that he was relieved of his duty. He washed his hands and went back.
"Mr. Flynn, here is your referral. Go to the office," Mrs. What's-Her-Face ordered.
Phineas frowned a heavy arch and left.
He went over to the office.
He opened the door and handed the referral to the principal.
"So, you disrupted class. What happened?" the principal questioned.
"I went to the bathroom, because I absolutely had to," Phineas stated.
"And?" the principal interrogated.
"She got mad at me because I couldn't complete the exercise," Phineas explained.
"Baloney! You know what? You, son, are getting detention," the principal condemned.
This was a very bad day for Phineas. Don't worry, this is just one, little day. We all have those awful days. At least Richy wasn't there the whole time. XD