Innocent Sins

A/N: For those who don't remember who Elena was, Edward mentioned her in chapter 13. She was his babysitter and was murdered by Aaron the day he got kidnapped. He said that he'd always remember her because he had a big crush on her, and she was the first dead body he had ever seen.

~Chapter 21 – What If~

BPOV

I couldn't wait to see him any longer, but because it was getting late, I decided to drive out to the Cullen country house first thing in the morning. I went and picked Carlie up from Rose's apartment, and asked her if she could watch Carlie again the next day. It was Friday, so Rose had the day off on Saturday and I needed her to watch Carlie most of the day. I would have just let her stay the night there, but I had something I needed to tell her.

"Did you have fun with Rose and Emmett this afternoon?" I asked her as she put her stuff down in our condo.

"Yeah, I beat up Emmett; it was so funny, he's such a big baby. Guess what."

"What?" I asked with a smile from her enthusiasm.

"Jasper is coming home soon, Alice is so excited."

"Really? That's great. I know Alice really misses him when he's overseas."

"Yeah, but he's going to be home for good now."

"How do you know that?"

"He got a job as a boot-camp drill sergeant….what's a boot-camp drill sergeant?"

I laughed. "It means he's going to help train the newbies."

"Like, the new soldiers?"

"Exactly."

"Cool. I bet he'll be really good at that job."

"I think so too. Hey, I need to talk to you about something."

"Ok, what?" she asked curiously.

"It's about Edward."

"Really? Is he coming back here? When can we see him?" she asked quickly excited. It had been a year since she had seen him last, but she still asked about him constantly and her bond to him was just as strong, so I wasn't surprised by her reaction.

"I don't know if he's going to come back, but there's something important you need to know… I told you that I knew him in high school right?" she nodded, so I continued. "Well, uh, he's actually…your father."

She stared at me in shock. She had asked about her father a few times in the past, but I always told her that I'd tell her when she was older. I had no intention on telling her specifics, but she didn't really care about that anyway.

"Like, my real dad, like really really? Like biolical?"

"Biological," I corrected her. "Yes, he's your biological father. That's why you're so pretty, because you look so much like him," I said with a smile as I caressed her face.

"Can we go see him now?" she asked eagerly.

"Well, he's been sick lately, so I'm going to go see if he's feeling any better tomorrow, and if he is, then you can come see him."

"Really? I can't wait! Does he know that he's my dad?"

"Of course he knows," I said with a smile. "Now, go on to bed so you can be all rested for him tomorrow."

Maybe it was wrong of me to get her hopes up when he might not be in the proper state to see her, but I just knew in my heart that he'd be okay with it. Esme had said he wasn't progressing like she hoped, but even though so much had happened and I knew he was severely depressed, I just truly believed that if anyone could get him out of it, it was Carlie.

I was happy with my decision to tell her about Edward being her father right then. She was still young and didn't ask the 'why' and 'how' of it all, she was just so excited that nothing else mattered to her. If I waited to tell her, she would have been angry that I didn't tell her sooner, and would have wanted to know why, which I wasn't prepared to answer yet. She didn't ever need to know how she was conceived, but I needed to think of a reason why he lived with us for months and we never told her that he was her father. Of course, I didn't know at the time, but she didn't need to know that either.

The next morning, Carlie and I woke up early and got ready to go. I dropped her off at Rose and Emmett's, and they said they'd bring her to the Cullen house when I was ready.

"You sure about this?" Rose asked me quietly before I left.

"Definitely," I said quickly.

"But Esme said…"

"I know what Esme said, but I'm following my heart on this one. I was patient and I gave him time and space, but it didn't seem to help, so maybe he just needs to be forced into it."

Rose looked at me like I was crazy, but she didn't try to convince me otherwise. I gave Carlie a kiss and then left for the country house. I didn't call Esme or Carlisle before I went there, because I knew Esme would try to tell me not to come, but I needed to see him, and I was confident that he needed to see me as well.

"Bella, this is a…surprise." Carlisle said as he greeted me outside the house after I pulled up.

"I'm sorry for not calling; I just need to talk to Edward right now."

"Uh…I don't think that's such a good idea just yet. Bella we asked him, and he doesn't want to see you. Forcing this can have a detrimental effect."

"I understand that, but I still need to talk to him, and it can't wait."

Carlisle hesitantly led me into the house to talk to Esme, but she had the same reaction as Carlisle did, maybe even stronger.

"Bella, this isn't good. He can't be forced into a reunion like this, he needs to want to see you, otherwise it's just going to set him back."

"Esme please let me see him. I know I can help him, just give me a chance. If he's really not doing any better, then seeing me isn't going to hurt him. But if there is the smallest chance that I could be right, don't you think we should just try?"

Esme thought about it for a few minutes, and then she sighed before nodding. "But just be careful, I don't want him to get too upset."

"Maybe he needs to be upset, maybe it doesn't matter what emotions he feels, as long as he feels something. You said he's been emotionless right? He needs to come back to life, and part of life is being upset," I said confidently. "You're the doctor and I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I really feel like I know Edward, and I know that this is what he needs."

Esme nodded her head again. "I hope you're right."

"He's out in the barn, should I get him and bring him back here?" Carlisle asked.

"He's in the barn?" I asked confused, and a little disturbed. Of all the places to be, I really didn't think the barn would have been the healthiest place, considering that a barn was what he was locked for a good part of his childhood.

"He spends a lot of time in there. I thought it was a bad thing at first, like maybe it was a form of self punishment, but I think he just appreciates the solitude. We don't let him stay in there for too long; he usually just goes in there to read."

"Oh…okay. Well, I'll just go talk to him in there then. Thanks."

I headed towards the barn and my body had a definite physical reaction. It was like I could sense that he was close, and he was the cure for all of my pain that I had lived in for so long. I needed him, and no amount of passing time could alleviate that.

I walked in slowly, and I couldn't help but stare at him quietly for a few moments. He was sitting up on the edge of a horse stall, with his legs crossed, and he was reading a book. His hair was still shorter than when we were together, but it had grown out from the buzz cut the hospital had it in. He looked better, but still not as healthy as I wished he was. I had a strong desire to run to him and wrap my arms around him, but I needed to take it slow, and say what I went there to say.

He didn't notice me at first, but then he looked up and locked eyes with me.

"Hey," I said hesitantly.

He stared at me for a few long moments, before looking down at his book slowly, and closing it.

"What are you doing here?" he asked monotony.

"I needed to come see you," I said and started walking towards him. He stood up and took a few steps back. "Edward, please, just listen to me for a few minutes."

"You really shouldn't have come here."

"Well, I'm not leaving until you hear me out."

"Bella, I don't want to hear you out, we have nothing left to say…"

"I told Carlie that you're her father," I said quickly.

"What? ...Why would you do that?"

"Because I think you need her as much as she needs you. She loves you so much and she never went a day without asking about you, and I doubt you went a day without thinking about her."

"You really don't know me as well as you think you do," he said flatly.

"I know you. I may not know every thought that runs through your mind, but I know what's in your heart."

"It was all a lie," he said uncaringly.

"No it wasn't. The lie was what Aaron made you believe and the things he made you do, but what we had was always real; I know that now. Weren't you happy when you were with us?"

"It doesn't matter, it's over now and we can't get back there after everything that's happened."

"You're right, we can't go back, but maybe we can become something better. No more lies, or hiding anything, just real and honest love."

"Why would you even want that after knowing what I did?" he asked as if I was crazy.

"Because I love you, the real you, not who he was trying to make you become. Tell me that you never felt anything for me at all, and I'll leave you alone."

He shook his head ever so slightly, and then looked away.

"You can't tell me that, because you know it would be a lie and I really think that we're past lying now, aren't we?"

"It's just not enough," he whispered.

"But in the end, it's all we really have."

He shook his head again. "Bella, please just leave me alone."

"Well, I can't because Carlie is coming here later to see you."

He just stared at me incredulously. "Why did you tell her? Why couldn't you just let it go?"

"I already told you why. You know, none of this was supposed to happen. We weren't meant to be separated like we were for this past year."

"What are you talking about? We were never supposed to cross paths in the first place."

"Yes, we were. Edward, we were meant to be together."

"How could you even say that? How could you think that we were meant to meet, and I was meant to hurt you that way? That's ridiculous."

"No, like I said before, that was Aaron's doing."

"Bella," he said quietly as his eyes begged me to stop.

"You know, my dad was always a homebody, too afraid to take chances and actually go anywhere besides the comfort of Washington. He fully planned to go to Washington State and never really do anything with his life, but then he made a last minute decision to go out of state for college, and that's where he met Renee. Without his sudden change of heart, I would have never been born."

He looked at me confused. "Why are you telling me this now, Bella? You've already told me this story before."

"Because there's more to the story that proves that we belong together."

He shook his head again, but stood there silently and waited for me to continue.

"Charlie's older sister got married and moved away, and had always tried to get Charlie to move closer to her. She said he needed a change, but he would never go for it. When Renee decided she had enough of Forks and she took me and left, Charlie knew that he needed to do something drastic in order to get her back, so he went to visit his sister. He started looking at houses close by her, and actually put a down payment on one. It was in a suburb of a big city, so he thought Renee would be happy enough there and they could save their marriage."

"Bella, what does this have to do with anything?" He asked frustrated.

"I'm getting there," I said before taking a deep breath. It wasn't an easy thing to talk about, and it was even more difficult to tell him about it, knowing the hell he lived through. "My dad was about to sign the final papers on the house, when…my cousin was murdered just down the street from where the house was."

Edward looked at me stunned, as my words took him off guard.

"She was seventeen, and I absolutely adored her. We were so much alike that people thought we were sisters, but she lived on the other side of the country so we didn't see each other too often. I was eight when my parents sat me down and told me she was killed. They didn't tell me how she died until much later, but the whole thing was completely devastating. Her murder scared my dad to death, and he changed his mind about moving. My parents never got back together, and my mom went on to marry Phil."

"I don't understand. What are you trying to tell me?" Edward asked.

"My aunt and cousin lived in Chicago, and that's where my dad wanted to move to. Don't you get it? If Aaron didn't come in and kill Elena, I would have moved down the street from you. Even if my mom never went back to my dad and still met Phil later on, I would have gone to live with Charlie in Chicago instead of Forks while I was in high school."

"Elena was your cousin?" he asked so quietly that I could hardly hear him.

"If Aaron didn't go to your house that night, if he didn't exist, we would have gone down our natural path." I watched Edward's face as I spoke and as he realized what I was telling him, his hard mask he had been wearing broke and tears began to fall down his face. "We would have known each other under more normal circumstances in high school. I would have resisted it at first, because you're younger than me, but then our connection would have been too strong and I would have been powerless against it. We would have been so in love, and maybe we wouldn't have been completely careful with our passion, and not used the proper protection when we made love."

I walked closer to him as he cried silently from the loss of what should have been, and he didn't even flinch when I put my arms around him.

I cried with him, and held him tightly as I continued speaking softly. "Our parents wouldn't have been happy that I got pregnant so young, but they would have accepted it, and we would have raised Carlie together. Or maybe we would have been careful and got married after high school, and then Carlie would be younger now, but we would have had her eventually either way….Elena wasn't supposed to be murdered, you weren't supposed to be kidnapped, I should have moved to Chicago and we would have been together."

Edward finally looked at me, and the pain in his eyes was immeasurable. We had been cheated out of a life together, and he knew it.

"We can't live in 'what ifs'," he murmured.

"No, we can't let him ruin the rest of our lives, because then he wins. He threw us off course, but we found our way back to each other. You, me, and Carlie are supposed to be together, and it doesn't matter how we get there, as long as that's where we end up."

A new wave of tears overtook him, and he tried to pull away from me but I just grabbed him tighter and refused to let go.

"I love you so much, and I forgive you for what happened." He turned his head away from me, so I let go of his body and cradled his face in my hands, locking him in place so he had to look at me. "I forgive you," I repeated, and then he completely broke down and started crying harder. I moved my hands from his face, to behind his head and knotted them in his hair, forcing our foreheads together. I could feel his body loosen as he let go of his self hatred long enough to grab on to me, and hold me against him as he wept into my hair.

It was like we had both stopped breathing from being apart, but being back in each other's arms was a relief that couldn't be properly described in words. It was where we belonged, and I could feel that he finally accepted it.

*What do you think? HEA coming next =)