Author's Note:
Oh, where to begin... The response to the last chapter was phenomenal. Thank you so, so much! We're almost to 450 reviews now, which makes me so happy you get another update. ;-) Big thanks to farawaymomo for pre-reading this bad boy and making me smile. Katmom, you're still the world's fastest beta! :-)
Happy Reading, Ginnie
Disclaimer: The characters of Twilight are owned by Stephenie Meyer. All other characters, settings, lyrics, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise or automotive company. The original content, ideas and intellectual property of this story are owned by Virginia May, May 2010. No copyright infringement is intended.
Chapter 20:
"In The Sun"
A sharp gasp, a pounding heart, and silence.
As Bella drew her hands up to her mouth at the sight of me, her mental silence had never been more agonizing. Would she turn away? Would she run? Would she...
"Beautiful."
The word was barely breathed, but still clear as a bell to my ears. And yet somehow I thought I must have heard wrong.
"Beautiful?" I asked, my brow wrinkling in confusion.
"You're beautiful. It's like... diamonds. It's..." She trailed off and swallowed. "I had no idea." Her voice, her face, her whole countenance seemed awestruck. It didn't make sense.
I couldn't even begin to fathom her thoughts at the moment. I didn't understand how she could look at me with anything but disgust. How did the alien and sheer unnaturalness of my vampire skin not frighten her? Perhaps she'd been imagining something far worse and simply felt relief that it wasn't as bad as she'd anticipated. I wanted to ask her these things, but remained frozen in place and unwilling to speak.
Bella's eyes darted to mine and then back to the skin of my exposed chest as she slowly lifted a hand. "May I?" she asked.
I took a deep breath and locked my body in place as I gave her silent permission with a nod of my head. I still wasn't sure what she was thinking, but at least she wasn't running away.
In fact, she was moving closer to me. Her first step was tentative, but slowly her movements became methodical and I realized she was giving me time to prepare. She wanted to touch me. Slowly, Bella continued to raise her hand towards me and then with the slightest smile on her face, trailed a single digit along my left collar bone from the indentation over my sternum all the way to my shoulder.
I gasped as the intense sensation of her touch slammed into me like an errant tidal wave. I hadn't expected to feel such an inappropriate amount of desire under her scrutiny, but I did. As she pushed open my shirt to expose more of my skin to the sunlight, I became increasingly aware of the fact that nobody had ever touched me where Bella was touching me now, nor had anyone touched me in the way that she was.
Her thumb briefly trailed back and forth over the path that her finger had traveled. The sensation was incredible. Her heat burned me in the most intimate ways imaginable. Just when I thought I wouldn't be able to stay still another second, Bella pulled her hand away from the skin near my shoulder. Giving me only a moment to recover, she ghosted her fingers over my arm and took one of my hands in hers. Lifting it up, she stroked the skin softly while twisting and turning my arm to see the play of the sunlight as it reflected and bounced.
I was struck by how very tender she was being with me. Being examined and inspected this way would have made me feel like a lab rat had it been anyone else. With Bella however, it was nothing like that. Part of me wanted to recoil from her ministrations due to the simple fact that a monster such as I was unworthy of such tenderness. But then, there was part of me that greatly yearned for it. Had she any idea what she was doing to me?
Bringing my focus back to her face, I was enraptured by the look of utter awe etched in my love's features. As she turned my hand over to stroke the inside of my wrist with her thumb, she smiled and closed her eyes. I was a bit confused when her brow creased and grew alarmed when she opened her eyes to blink back tears.
"I'm sorry," I murmured.
Bella met my gaze. "For what?"
"You're disgusted, aren't you?"
"What? No! Not at all."
"Then what's wrong?"
"Nothing. It's... I should explain."
"It's okay, you don't have to."
"But, I do. You just have no idea... It's incredible really."
"Incredible?"
Bella's eyes softened. "Yes. It's... amazing. I never knew, never understood."
"How could you know?"
"Well, I guess in some small way it makes sense. You're all perfectly beautiful. Why wouldn't you be even more so in the sun?"
"Bella..." I sighed in frustration. Once again, she failed to understand. "This isn't beautiful. This is what it looks like to be a monster."
"You're wrong," she said shaking her head. "I happen to have seen a monster or two in my lifetime and you're nothing like them."
I frowned at her and pulled my hand back. "You don't know that. I haven't told you. I've done horrible things."
"Most people have, Edward." Bella's voice was low and grew determined.
"Most people aren't murderers. I am. I've killed people, Bella."
I'd only given it 0.6 seconds of consideration before blurting that out. It was only fair that after the conversations she'd with both Sue Clearwater and Jacob Black that she at least hear the whole truth about me before committing to any decision. Her silence after I spoke struck fear in me that I'd finally said too much. Terrified, I lifted my eyes to find her staring at me with an unfathomable expression.
"Why?" her soft voice asked.
"I beg your pardon?"
She rolled her eyes at me. "Why did you do it, Edward? Was it for sport? Or out of spite?"
"No, of course not!" I responded emphatically. "I was young and rebellious. I thought I could play God, but I was never petty or cruel."
"Okay, so what happened? What made you do it? And what changed? You're obviously remorseful now."
I shook my head, not wanting to have this conversation, but knowing I'd brought it up. "I... I was bitter. Towards Carlisle... for making me into this." I gestured to my skin. "I did well coping the first few years, but after a while I couldn't imagine living like this for all of eternity. I knew Carlisle was genuine in his beliefs, but I grew resentful that he'd forced them and this existence on me. I thought I could find a better way. I thought human blood would leave me less... unfulfilled."
I struggled to find the right words for her as I began to explain the years I'd spent away from Carlisle and how I'd chosen to feed from humans based on their own actions, hunting only the worst of society. Somehow, I managed to tell Bella everything I needed to without terrifying her. But when I was done, the compassionate look on her face bothered me. Was she listening to me at all? Apparently she was.
"If you only knew then what you know now. Am I right?"
"Yes," I answered, though that was an understatement.
"Have you ever been tempted to try it again? Living that way I mean," she asked boldly.
I didn't have to think twice.
"Never. The day you walked into that biology classroom was the first time in almost seventy-five years that I was tempted to throw away my beliefs and our way of life. You're scent was so very overwhelming. I still don't know how I found the strength to resist."
Bella smiled sadly. "I know you hate it when I say this, but... I'm sorry. And I forgive you." She lifted a hand to my cheek and rendered me silent with the compassion and love present in her deep brown eyes. "I won't hold your transgressions against you, Edward. I don't want to play God either. And somehow..." she placed her other hand so that she was cupping my face. "I think that even God would forgive you for what you did and why –if you're truly sorry –and you are."
"Bella," I said sadly as I pulled her closer to me, wrapping my arms around her small waist and lowering my forehead to hers. "Thank you, but... I cannot agree with you. I just don't have that kind of faith anymore, love. Not that I will ever, ever, stop being beyond grateful that you've granted me your forgiveness. That alone is far more than I could have wished for."
Bella sighed and shook her head. She disapproved. "Why must you be so hard on yourself?"
I didn't answer, as I wasn't sure she meant for me to, and we stood silent for a length of time. Eventually, she lifted her forehead from mine and went back to examining my skin in the sun by tracing the lines of my face and jaw. I froze in place when she lowered her hands to my chest and placed a kiss over my stilled heart. If there was any way for it to start beating again, that might have caused it. Despite my efforts not to move, my whole body jolted from her simple gesture. She did it again and noticed my muscles twitch beneath her lips.
"Sorry," Bella whispered, removing both her mouth and hands from my bare skin.
"It's okay," I answered lowly, though I wasn't quite sure it was. One wrong move in a moment of excitement or panic and I could kill her.
We both remained silent until Bella took a deep breath and her heart sped noticeably. Glancing down, I saw her worrying her bottom lip between her teeth and frowned.
"What is it, love?"
She blushed. "Nothing. Just... Tell me more about why it's like this? Your skin?"
I wrinkled my brow and gave her a curious smile, but answered her anyway.
"When we are changed the venom sort of petrifies our cells, freezing them in the state they were at the time of the transformation. It also strengthens them. Our skin cells become rock hard and crystalline. They're like tiny unbreakable prisms that reflect sunlight. Although, we don't know why that is exactly or for what purpose."
"Amazing," Bella murmured. She was thoughtful a moment. "And all vampires are like this? They all sparkle?"
"Yes," I chuckled at the word. Sparkle.
"And your venom causes this change?"
"Yes," I answered, growing concerned by the look of concentration on her face.
"So, how much venom is needed to turn somebody? Is there a certain amount required? Does it have to enter the body at a particular point? Like, does it have to be bite to the neck or a major artery? And is it like in the story books where the victim has to drink some of their creator's blood, or venom, or whatever for the changes to be permanent? And how is it—"
"Whoa, Bella, stop. Please," I begged. I'd ceased moving and just stared at her eyes dancing in curiosity. My expression must have been harsh because Bella's face changed and she was suddenly reaching up to touch my face.
"Hey," she said softly. "I didn't mean to upset you. I just have so many unanswered questions."
"I understand your curiosity given what you went through, but Bella... It's not a pleasant subject, nor one I really wish to discuss."
"Oh," she said, looking away and allowing her hand to drop.
"This is important to you." I could see that it was.
She nodded and met my eyes imploringly.
"Why?" I asked, not understanding.
She took a breath and mustered a nervous smile. "Because of this."
Bella reached down and pushed up one sleeve of her sweater and quickly removed the bracelet she usually wore there. Meeting my gaze again, she swallowed and lifted her arm, turning it to reveal the pale skin on the inside of her wrist. There at the base of her palm was a small line of slightly raised flesh much like a scar. A scar that shimmered in the sunlight.
"Bella..." I gasped, reaching out to feel it for myself. It was shockingly firmer than the rest of her skin, cooler too. "How?" I asked, my voice pained.
"I don't really know," she whispered as I ran my thumb along the formerly damaged flesh. It most certainly reflected light as did my own, but not to the same degree. I'd never seen anything like it. It wasn't a bite mark exactly, but it was definitely not normal human tissue either.
"Impossible..."
"That's what Jacob and Embry said. They're the only ones who know what it really is, or at least what we think it is. I wasn't ever really sure, but they seemed pretty positive. It healed too fast and it's... well, a little like your skin. I just didn't know your skin did that too."
"How did you get this mark?"
"It happened when I was attacked on First Beach. The vampire that almost..." Bella stopped and looked into my eyes. "It was from the attack I survived."
"Please tell me," I answered, imploring her with my eyes.
She shook her head. "No, Edward."
"Please, Bella."
"I..." She sighed and looked down. "I was in La Push. It was Charlie's birthday that weekend and we were celebrating it at Jake and Billy's place. I got irritated with Jacob at one point and decided to go for a walk. It's ironic actually, because I know now that the reason Jake took off on me in the middle of a conversation –like he always did, with no explanation – was because some of the boys had caught the scent of Victoria's coven on the Reservation."
I scowled. "They didn't think to tell you or anyone else there to stay inside?"
Bella shrugged. "I don't know. As soon as Jake ran off I stomped out the front door in a huff. I didn't even tell my dad where I was going because I didn't want him to worry."
"Bella..."
"Oh, stop. You can't scold me for something that happened two and a half years ago, Edward."
I smiled despite myself and exhaled a laugh as I pulled Bella's wrist to my nose and inhaled. I kissed her scar and met her eyes. "I'm sorry, continue."
"Um... well, I walked down to the beach. There was nobody there as far as I could see, so I just sat for a while and watched the waves. It got pretty cold so I stood up to head back, but I didn't get more than two steps before walking into something solid. I remembered letting out a startled yelp and looking up, expecting it to be one of the boys but it wasn't."
She paused for a moment and I gently stroked her cheek with the back of my hand, more to calm myself rather than her. She smiled a little before going on.
"Besides the fact that he didn't budge an inch when I ran into him, his eyes told me what he was right away. They were dark, but unmistakably red. Blood red. That was all I saw of him before he had me by the throat. I couldn't scream. I tried fruitlessly to grab at his hands where they held me, but he only tightened his hold around my neck. I vaguely remember him speaking to someone else right before I thought I was going to black out. Then he suddenly let go and spun me around so that I was facing away from him with my arm wrenched above and behind me. He still had me by the throat, but I was able to breathe and I could feel his breath on my hand. He growled and laughed when Jacob and Embry appeared in front of us."
Bella looked up at me with a worried expression and I realized that I'd made some kind of sound. I almost rolled my eyes at her. Here she was reliving one of the most horrific things that she'd probably ever experienced and she was concerned about me. Pulling her close, I held her in my arms as tightly as I dared.
"Do you want me to continue?" she whispered as she laid her head against my chest.
"Yes," I answered, kissing the top of her hair. She nodded in return and took a deep breath.
"Jake and Embry started running towards us. There were hisses and growls all around me. Jacob was screaming my name and then he was suddenly jumping and leaping into the air. He exploded mid-leap; skin and clothes shredding and exploding into fur in the air above me. The next thing I knew I was thrown at least twenty feet down the beach. I landed in a heap just at the edge of the surf. I didn't have any idea what had just happened, to me or to Jacob. I just knew that it was something horrible. I turned to see what was going on and realized I was hurt and partially submerged in the Pacific Ocean.
"My arms wouldn't cooperate with me to pull myself up out of the water. One of them felt like it had been ripped out of the socket, which it nearly had. My shoulder was dislocated so I didn't notice most of my other injuries right away. Just when the pain became almost unbearable, I started to go numb from the cold. It all gets a little fuzzy for me after that because I realized I was bleeding. To be honest, I don't know how I managed to stay conscious at all. Blood was running into my eyes from this..." She ran a finger over the scar at her hairline and my throat flared at just the idea of her sweet blood running freely.
I looked down at her desperate to reconnect myself with the fact that she was alive and unharmed, as well as to remind myself that the monster within me would not, could not, harm her. She seemed to sense my tension and immediately met my eyes with a sad smile.
"I'm sorry. I guess I should have left that part out." She took a deep breath and her eyes lost focus, I could almost see her sinking back into her memories. "I watched Jake and Embry, as wolves of course, tear the two males apart. The rest of the pack showed up not long after to help. I never knew there was a third vampire until later. I passed out after seeing Jacob phase back to his human self and when I came to, I sort of freaked out on them. Sam had to explain everything to me just to calm me down enough to see a doctor."
I sighed heavily. "I'm so sorry, Bella. I should have been there."
"How could you have known?"
"I never should have left you," I answered, for the first time believing it was true.
"You're here now. It's in the past. I'm okay."
I lowered my head towards hers. "I swear to you, I will never let anything like that happen to you again."
"I know."
"Good." And then I kissed her.
I knew somewhere inside of my overwrought brain that by acting out of desperation I could be nearly as dangerous to Bella as I could be when acting out of passion. I knew that I should have waited until my emotions were more stable before even thinking of kissing her. But in that moment all I wanted, what I desperately needed, was to be as close to her as possible. I could barely stand to think of my Bella alone and unprotected against another of my kind. Knowing previously that she had gone through that did nothing to prepare me for actually hearing her describe it in her own words. I was angry that this unknown vampire had dared to touch her. I felt irrational amounts of both jealousy and possessiveness, but also fear and anguish.
It could have been over so quickly. He could have crushed her throat the moment he touched her. He could have drained her before Jacob and Embry ever got there. I could have lost Bella before I ever really knew her. I would have never known the warmth of her smile, or the joyful sound of her laugh, or the beautiful enigma that was kissing my one and only love; an act that was currently both heaven and hell all wrapped up into one.
We were breathless when I pulled away; Bella genuinely so. Only a moment earlier she'd very nearly crossed a dangerous line because of my own carelessness in parting my lips to taste her more fully and breathe in time with her. Not only that, but I'd stopped paying proper attention to whether her whimpers were those of pleasure or pain towards the end of our kiss. I'd been holding her with more force than was prudent. It was foolish. I was foolish.
"Are you alright?" I asked, urgently scanning her for any signs of distress. Her eyes were still closed and she felt limp in my arms. "Bella, are you okay?"
Bella sighed and smiled widely without ever opening her eyes. "I'm okay. Very, very, very okay."
Though I was relived, I still needed to be sure. "Open your eyes, love." She did as I asked and I smiled remorsefully. "Are you in any pain? Was I too rough with you?"
She shook her head and slipped her arms up around my neck. "Nope. Not at all. In fact, feel free to do that anytime."
I let out a breath and touched my forehead to hers. "You're so human."
She pulled back and raised an eyebrow in challenge. "You like me human."
I smiled. "I do. Which is why I'm so..." I shook my head slightly, trying to rid myself of the mental images and the errant fears. "I'm sorry for my behavior. Even if I didn't hurt you this time, handling you like that was out of line. I just thought too much about what could have happened. This," I said, raising her wrist to touch the scar there again. "This should have ended your life. You shouldn't be standing here right now and I just reacted. I'm sorry for accosting you the way that I did."
Bella laughed, hard. "You didn't accost me. You kissed me; your girlfriend, or mate, or whatever I am. The last time I checked that wasn't a crime. Especially not when..." she sighed and softened her voice. "Especially not when you're feeling overwhelmed and need to be reminded that the one you love is here with you and safe."
"How did you know that's what I was doing?" I asked, slightly awed at my... mate. The word seemed strange to me.
"Because, I think that's a very normal reaction to anxiety or fear," she paused and her eyes volleyed back and forth between mine. If possible, she blushed a deeper shade of crimson than I'd ever seen before. "It's what I wanted to do the moment I saw you this morning."
Oh. And then I frowned. "But you controlled yourself."
"Only because I was too scared to act."
"What? Why?" I asked.
She sighed and her cheeks flushed with color again. "I'm afraid, or I was afraid, that you wouldn't want... that. I'm still not quite sure that this thing between us is the same for you as it is for me."
I must have looked at her as though she had three heads. "What do you mean?"
"Well... it's just like you said. I'm human. You're... not." She frowned. "Kissing me can't be easy for you and you don't... I don't know," she shrugged, looking at the ground.
"Do you believe that I don't enjoy kissing you?"
"I don't know."
I sighed and lifted her chin. "Believe me, love... I enjoy it. Far too much. I'm constantly afraid of hurting you. Of losing control. I cannot lose control with you, you must understand that. After what you saw with your own eyes, after what almost happened to you, you must know how I could hurt you."
She said nothing, but nodded simply with her heart hammering in her chest and her bottom lip caught between her teeth. "If that's all that it is..."
"It is. I've never wanted to be human again more than I have since you came into my life. I would give anything to be what you deserve, because I want to be everything to you, Bella. I'm only sorry that I can't be."
"Don't be silly. You already are. "
~(~)~
With our hands twined together, I led Bella towards the rocky outcropping near the edge of the clearing. We climbed up easily and enjoyed the view for a moment before Bella sat on one of the rocks. I joined her and we sat in the sun for a long time just watching each other and occasionally glancing out across the mountains. Bella took one of my hands so that she could examine it in the sunlight once more. The shapes she traced in my palm were stimulating, yet somehow soothing at the same time. I watched the small line on her wrist as it reflected the sunlight alongside my own skin and felt the deep seed of guilt that I knew would always be there. I reached over and captured her hand, pulling it to my mouth and placing a kiss over her scar.
Eventually Bella shifted and stretched uncomfortably, so I suggested we move off of the rocks and back into the clearing. A few moments later, back in the tall grass, I swung the backpack that Alice had packed for us off of my shoulders and pulled out a blanket and some snacks for Bella. She smiled at the gesture and I handed her a bottle of water once we were both seated on our blanket; the same one from our picnic just a few nights ago.
"Thank you," she said softly, before taking a small sip. She set it aside and turned to face me with her legs crossed in front of her, her deep brown eyes swirling in thought. I moved forward slightly and mimicked her position until our knees were almost touching.
"What are you thinking about?" I asked.
Bella smiled. "Truthfully?"
"Of course."
She nodded and chewed on her lip.
"Don't edit, just tell me."
Bella's eyes flashed and she frowned slightly. "I don't edit."
"Yes, you do... Quite frequently if I had to guess, which I do, because I can't see what's going on inside that glorious head of yours."
She laughed. "That really bothers you, doesn't it?"
"I'm afraid it will drive me to insanity at some point, yes. On the other hand, it is nice to be able to be quiet with somebody. Just another thing I never had before you came along."
"I'm glad I can do that for you," she said softly. After a beat, "And to answer your question, I was thinking more about my scar and the questions I asked you earlier."
I nodded. "I've been thinking about that too."
"He didn't bite me obviously," she continued matter-of-factly. "I've been thinking that I must have somehow been cut, but not bitten. That day in my kitchen when you explained about how sharp your teeth are, you said I could slice open my skin without even trying."
I nodded, surprised that she remembered that. The way she'd been kissing me earlier made me wonder if she'd forgotten.
"From the way you described your attack, it's quite possible that the vampire who had you was planning on biting you but Jacob moved quickly enough to stop him. Despite that, your hand must have come in contact with his bared teeth during the scuffle." I frowned and took her hand in mine, examining her scar yet again.
"There's something else though... What is it?" Bella asked.
"I don't understand why the venom didn't begin the change."
"So it doesn't need to be a certain amount?"
"I don't think anyone's ever bothered to test it. More often than not the victim is killed before the process can begin. Most of us don't have the control to stop once we've begun feeding." I grimaced. I hadn't meant to be that candid with her. "Sorry."
"It's okay. You don't scare me, you know."
I shook my head and grinned. "So you keep saying." When she arched an eyebrow in challenge, I couldn't stop myself.
Issuing a playful growl, I leaned back and dropped Bella's hand before swiftly rocking back until I was on my feet in a low crouch. Before she had a chance to register the movement or see me coming, I had her flat on her back with her arms over her head.
"As if you'd ever see me coming," I teased, watching in delight as her startled eyes struggled to react to the change in position or my sudden nearness. She sputtered and gasped a moment before her eyes narrowed.
"Did you just pounce on me?"
I laughed and sat up, moving off of her and releasing her arms. "Hardly."
She smacked at my leg where it was closest to her with a soft and highly amusing growl. "Ow," she complained when she pulled her hand away. Her smile remained, but she shook her hand and flexed her fingers.
I reached out to examine them. "Are you okay?"
Bella rolled her eyes and sat up. "I'm fine."
"You hit me," I complained, pouting a bit in jest.
Bella laughed. "You pounced on me!"
"I'd do it again to. You said I didn't scare you."
"Do you want me to be scared?"
"Maybe a little. I am the world's fiercest predator. What would it say about me if my own girlfriend wasn't afraid of me?"
"Ahh... you poor, poor scary monster," she laughed and then threw her arms around my neck, pulling herself up so we were nose to nose. "Don't worry, I really didn't see you coming. You shocked the hell out of me, even though I knew I was safe in your arms."
She kissed me once and abruptly moved back, laying down and rolling onto her side propped up on one elbow. I narrowed my eyes at her in confusion and she just laughed and patted the spot in front of her. I stretched out and rolled to my side, mirroring her position.
"What are you thinking about?" Bella asked, wiggling her eyebrows. "And don't edit."
I chuckled and shook my head at her for using my own words against me.
"Well, I think about quite a lot at any given time. Just now, I was thinking that you're a tease and I like this playful side of you. I never know what you're going to do. Then of course, that thought makes me remember how much I wish I could hear your thoughts. I wish I knew what your mental voice sounds like and I wonder if it would be different to me than other voices. Would I would be more aware of your thoughts than I am of theirs?" Bella grimaced, apparently not liking that idea. "I was also thinking that you've got the most adorable freckles I've ever seen." She blushed, and I grinned in response. "And we've been in the sun for some time, so I was calculating the probability of you getting sunburned."
Bella's face was amused. "Is that all?"
"No. Shall I continue?"
She nodded eagerly and I laughed before growing more serious. "Okay. One of my thoughts has been dancing around in my head for some time actually. You see, I was trying to decide how to ask you to meet my family."
Bella's face went a little pale for a change and her eyes growing impossibly wide. "Really?"
"Yes. Are you afraid now?"
She shook her head. "Not like you're thinking. I'm just..."
"Nervous?"
She smiled. "No, I mean, yes. I am, but not like that." Her cheeks heated and she stared into her lap. "What if they don't like me?"
"That's what you're worried about?" I asked, incredulously. Of all the ridiculous things she could be thinking. "They'll love you," I assured her.
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because I know them well. And your charms are impossible to resist, trust me."
"You're flattering me now."
"Is it flattery, if it's the truth?" I asked her. She shrugged. "Bella, I will admit that Rosalie may not be thrilled at first, but the rest of my family can't wait to be re-introduced to you."
She sighed. "And will it be a problem? You know, me being this." She gestured to herself.
"I'll protect you," I crooned, stroking her cheek with the back of my hand and leaning forward to kiss the spot below her ear.
She smiled and bit her lip. "Okay... When? Where?"
"Next weekend, I'll take you to my house on your day off."
"Sounds fun," she sighed, her body shuddering slightly and her voice less than convincing.
"Come here," I said lowly. Her eyes met mine and her breath hitched at my nearness to her. I lowered my mouth to hers and pressed my lips against hers gently. She rolled backwards, bringing me with her until I was leaning over her. I kissed her again more deeply before pulling away, placing several chaste kisses on her eyes and nose as I did. Her eyes stayed closed when I finished, but there was a contented smile on her face.
"Am I putting you to sleep, love?" I teased. She giggled and shook her head. The look in her eyes when she opened them was sleepy but also dark with desire.
I debated for a moment whether or not to test myself again in this way so soon. Each caress of our lips was still very much a war within me for control. When her fingers found their way into my hair and I felt her pulling down on my head however, I gave in with an unaudible groan.
It didn't last long, as soon as her arms wrapped fully around my neck I rolled onto my back and brought her with me, breaking away from her lips as I did. She sighed and touched her fingers to my mouth, tracing the shape of my lips, before laying her head down on my chest and curling herself more fully into my side.
Hours later, we remained lying together on our blanket, both warm and content. Bella had fallen asleep at some point and for once I was able to hold her in my arms without running the risk of causing her chills. Thanks to the sun that leant its heat to me all afternoon, my skin was now as heated as the rocks we'd sat upon earlier. My palms had an added advantage over the rest of my body by being pressed against my love's back, and my chest now radiated an illusion of warmth where her cheek rested against the skin over my sternum.
Relishing in the feel of Bella's weight against me, I took a deep breath of her heavenly scent. For the moment anyway, it called only to my heart. My thirst, though always present, had somehow retreated to the farthest recesses of my mind.
Perhaps the respite from that particular torture was a result of spending too much time thinking about how I'd almost lost Bella entirely. While she slept peacefully, frightening images of stone-cold fingers locked around her delicate neck haunted me. Thoughts of what would have happened to her had Jacob Black and Embry Call not shown up when they did plagued me. I was greatly relieved when Bella finally stirred and began waking.
She picked her head up after a moment, placing a feather light kiss on my chest before lying back down and sighing against me. Her arms tightened around me and although I barely registered the pressure, the feeling was delightful.
"Penny for your thoughts?" I asked softly, running my fingers through her hair.
Her body shook as she laughed silently above me. "Oh, now come on... I know you'd pay a lot more than that for them."
I chuckled and kissed the top of her head. "Yes, but I prefer to be gifted with them. No amount of money would replace you sharing yourself with me willingly. Did you have a good nap?"
She turned around, propping herself up on my chest with her head resting on top of her hands. "I did. The best actually."
I smiled lightly, feeling a bit embarrassed by her words.
"Were you bored?" she asked.
"With you in my arms? Never."
"Maybe you need a new hobby if watching me sleep is that exciting," she teased.
"And miss hearing you talk?"
She blushed and hid her face. "What did I say now?"
"You said you love me."
She giggled. "Well, you already know that."
"Still, it's nice to hear."
She looked up from her hiding place and met my eyes. "I love you."
I reached up to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. "As I love you."
She laid her head back down and for a time I took my breaths in unison with hers, listening to her heart beat its heady rhythm. I would have died again to know what she was thinking as she played with the buttons on my shirt.
"Edward?" she called after too long a time.
"Yes, love?"
"What if I'd been changed? When I was attacked? What if what you said should happen... did?"
My body stiffened and my hands stilled in her hair. "That's not anything you'll ever have to worry about."
Bella sat up a little frowning. "That's not what I asked you, Edward."
I scowled. "What are you asking me, Bella? Why are you asking?"
She shook her head and her eyes registered hurt. I'd hurt her feelings. "I just want to know."
I sighed and softened my tone. "It doesn't matter now, does it?"
She was quiet a moment, searching my face. Something passed in her expression, some thought that I saw clearly expressed in her eyes but could not identify. "I think it does. Please answer the question. If I'd been bitten, or like you said, the venom started the change like it should have, what would have happened to me?"
I sighed and sat up, pulling away from Bella a bit. She crawled to her knees but refused to let my gaze drop. "You would have become a vampire. You would have burned, experiencing a kind of pain that you cannot possibly imagine, for roughly three days. Though, I cannot imagine what would have happened to you if your sire had been destroyed and you woke up alone. I suppose the wolves would have had to... destroy you... before that could happen." The words hurt to say.
Bella's heart pounded in her chest and she swallowed hard. "Why?"
I frowned. Why must she always be some damn inquisitive? "You would have been wild, Bella. Without your sire to keep you under control, you would have been crazy with thirst and killed the first living being you came upon. Probably the first dozen living beings you came upon."
"Oh."
"Do you see now why I didn't want to talk about this? I've had almost a century to learn to control myself. What you see when you look at me, it's an illusion. We don't wake to this life as anything other than what we are; monsters –vicious, bloodthirsty, unconscionable monsters."
Bella's heart continued to race and her breathing was a bit fast, but she remained still and seemingly calm. I could see her thinking, processing what I had told her. Would she run now? Would she ask me to take her home and give her some space? Would she see me as I really am? Nothing else had worked and she needed to know who it was she was in love with. Did she know that now?
Minutes passed and I was growing more and more uncomfortable. Bella had taken my hand in hers again now that the sun had dipped lower in the sky and the trees cast a tall shadow that blocked the sun's rays. My skin no longer sparkled for her and she seemed to be investigating it with a renewed purpose. Was it a distraction from the rest of her thoughts?
"Please say something," I finally whispered. I was interrupted by my phone ringing.
Bella smiled weakly and told me to answer it.
"Alice?" I asked, connecting the call.
"Edward?"
"Yes?" I asked, concerned by her tone. She'd seen something. "What's wrong?"
"I... I had a vision."
"What is it? Victoria?" I spoke so quietly and quickly that Bella could not detect it.
Alice sighed. "No, nothing like that. I, um... I saw Bella."
"What about Bella? Alice, please... she's sitting right here. Surely, you know this?"
"I do, but I was trying to give you privacy so I haven't been watching. What were you two talking about a few minutes before I called? Did something happen? Did you... decide something?"
I let out a noise of frustration, though our conversation continued at a level Bella was unaware of. "Be more specific, Al. Exactly when did you have your vision and what did you see?"
"It was about five minutes ago. It's nothing to be immediately concerned about, but... I saw..."
"What?"
"I saw you and Bella arguing."
"When?"
"Soon. As you leave the meadow. She was crying. Please don't make her cry, Edward. Just listen to what she has to say and remember that she loves you. She loves you more than I think you realize."
"Alice... I don't understand. What could I have possibly done? I didn't hurt her, did I?"
"Not physically, no. Did you ever find out why she was upset this morning? I only caught snippets. Like I said, I was trying not to spy on you."
"I appreciate that, but you're sort of interfering now. I need to go." Slowing my voice to a rate Bella would be able to hear, I added, "Is that everything?"
Alice growled lightly. "You need to listen to me, Edward. If you hurt her, I'll hurt you, got it? Don't screw this up."
It took all of my willpower to control my expression. "I understand," I said simply and ended the call.
Bella smiled and I apologized.
"Is everything alright?" she asked.
"Yes," I lied. "Alice was just reminding me that it will be dark soon. You'll be getting cold and hungry."
Bella blushed. "Oh."
"Shall we?" I asked, playing it off as though I'd been telling the truth.
"I guess so. If you run us back, do we have some time?"
"Yes," I answered hesitantly. I didn't want to risk staying and having Alice's vision come true. Then again, Alice had said we were arguing as we left the meadow. I couldn't even begin to imagine having a disagreement with Bella, so it was a little surreal to be trying to avoid one.
"What's wrong?" she asked, apparently sensing my unease. So perceptive...
"Sorry, love... I was just wondering how you are doing? With everything I told you right before Alice called... Recalling the details of your attack for me... Then you were so upset earlier about the conversations with Sue and Jacob." I reached out to touch her, taking her hand in mine. "How are you feeling?"
She took a deep breath and then another. "It's been a long day."
"It has. You didn't answer my question though," I smirked and tried to get her to smile. She did.
"I guess I'm... okay. I feel a little like I'm on a precipice but I'm not unsteady. I'm just... figuring out how to balance. Does that make any sense?"
"You're adjusting to some big changes in your life. That makes perfect sense."
"Good."
I smiled and kissed the back of the hand I was holding. "What now?" I asked, hoping she would direct me. I would give her anything. Do anything for her. All she had to do was ask.
"I want to talk to you about the future."
"What about the future?"
She blushed. "Well... we're in love with each other. You say you'll feel this way forever. I know I will too." She met my eyes. "I'm about to graduate from college and become a bona fide adult. You want me to meet your family..."
My smile grew until I thought it would eclipse my whole face. Plans. Life plans. Future plans. Bella wanted to make plans with me.
"And you want me to meet your parents as well, love," I added.
She squeezed my hand. "Exactly. And neither of us is getting any younger."
A sense of unease spread over me, and my smile faltered some. "Very true," I responded casually.
"So..." Bella's heart rate sped once again and she began chewing on her lip viciously, making my unease grow. "So... I guess that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I mean, I don't even know if you would want me in that way. But if you did, if you wanted me no matter what, then I want you to know that's what I want too."
My smile fell completely and I suddenly realized why Alice had seen what she did.
"Bella... what are you saying?"
She blushed again and swallowed nervously. "I'm saying that I want a future with you. I want to be with you, Edward."
"You are with me," I answered swiftly.
"No, Edward. Not like this." She met my eyes and my heart broke in two. "Forever, I want to be with you forever."
~(~)~
End Note:
Well... we all know what's coming next. Will Edward ever learn? ;-) Don't worry, I won't drown you in the arguments we've all read a million times. Next chapter will touch on it and move on to hopefully better things.
This update may or may not be my last before the Christmas holiday. The chapter is well underway, but I am SOOOO behind in real life and my family has a very full few weeks ahead of us with many events going on leading up to the big day. I'll try, but either way, I do promise another update before the New Year!
PS- Santa, if you're out there... Virginia May would like her 500th review for Christmas. Thank you. *smiles sweetly* ;-)
PPS- "In The Sun" is another fabulous She & Him tune. If you haven't heard it, hop on over to You Tube and have a listen. www. youtube. com/ watch?v= pZ3cTwI9bIw [just remove the spaces] :-)