When we crashed, she fell rudely out of the cockpit once more and I was left to consider how a Jedi could figure out how to crash and spill so spectacularly from high places. She seemed to have a knack for it. She tumbled over my head and fell in circles before her body met the ground with a crack that made me feel sick, and I winced as consciousness fell away.
I had a dream about Neli. A good dream. She was naked, and I trailed soft kisses down her bare back, her skin the shade of a light kaffa drink. It was one of those dreams that you didn't want to wake up from because you were so unbelievably, incomprehensibly safe and happy. Her skin was warm against the gentle caresses of my insatiable fingers, and the touch of her sent tingles down to my groin in a way that made the passion that ensued thereafter mind-blowingly erotic.
It was one of those dreams that you were sure you almost felt embarrassed to have. Not because it was erotic. I was a man, after all. These things could happen. No, it was because some part of you wanted to stay there and never wake up, because some part of you, when you inevitably returned to reality, would feel sheepish for preferring the unreality to the life you were given. And that strangely desperate desire to stay there echoed into the life of the living in a way that made you ache for it, in a way you were worried others would be able to hear and see.
But, unfortunately, I did wake up. I woke rudely to a sensation of frantic words and breathlessness. There was a tendril of inherent fear in the voice behind the voice that I knew I recognized instantly, which caused the arousal that had built inside of me to diminish into this cold slush at the base of my abdomen near my stomach somewhere.
The reaction was so immediate that I was blown away by the contrast of the two sensations.
Neli was above me, by the time I opened my eyes, and her eyes were wide. She was crying.
This physically affected me, but I knew I couldn't show it. Not after our last very bad conversation. If you could call it that.
"Mm," I said to her, closing my eyes and letting my head collapse back into something cold and wet. "Did I lose another pazaak game?"
The tears stopped abruptly – it had been her voice – and she moved away. I opened my eyes again. She was walking through what I now saw to be snow, easily up to her shins, trudging in a way that looked so distinctly indignant that it was comical.
"I'm fine, by the way," I called after her in that drawl I'd once been so comfortable using. "Feel like I've had one too many shots of Corellian ale, but I'm sure you wouldn't know anything about that."
She kept walking.
"Uh, no, of course you wouldn't," I finished, my heading falling back into the snow.
Still, she went further and further away. So far she faded into whiteness.
"Hey, princess, I'm over here. Are you even listening to me?"
I knew I was in no place to complain about conduct, but she could at least pretend to listen to me.
But she didn't.
"Where you going?" I called.
"I have to see if the others are alive," she finally said quietly, so quietly I barely heard her above the roaring wind.
"Aw, you checked on me first," I quipped, ignoring that strangely unpleasant-for-being-pleasant feeling in my stomach. "That's sweet."
"Just shut up and help me," she snapped.
It wasn't just the ice that chilled me then. Her tone bit at me too, and that same guilt I felt about that night three days prior had been grating at me ever since.
I scrambled to my feet, feeling stiff. My clothes were soaked through, and I shivered in the cold. Neli, I saw, small and tropical as she was, shivered even harder than I did. I had to fight the fundamental urge to offer her my coat, but that, all in all, wasn't so hard. I was cold myself, and in the end I probably needed it more than she did. That being said, her teeth chattered and her lips, the soft tan color that they were, were a dangerous shade of blue and white.
And she was bleeding.
I furrowed my brow then.
"Hey, what happened to you?" I asked her, jogging after her.
"Like you care."
I made a "pff" noise.
"Fine, be that way. No skin off my back. Just get us out of here."
She complied. Silently.
Which was a change.
I didn't like it.
But when we arrived at Bao-Dur, she bent to check on him and yelled out in a way I'd never heard her yell out before. Her right arm folded into her side like a wounded wing, and she grimaced as I moved around her urgently.
Part of me wanted to repress this urge.
She, after all, was the dumb bimbo who kept falling out of places, making me worried – though of course if anybody ever asked me if I was I'd roll my eyes and sneer.
Yeah right, I'd say. As if. Worried about a Jedi of all things.
But something beyond my spitefulness that was tinted with just a hint of possessive masculinity couldn't ignore this cry for help.
"Let me see," I told her firmly.
I hated that when I was concerned I just sounded mildly angry. She was good at talking to people though, good at talking to me and dealing with my shit. If I had any sense, I'd be better to her. Or just keep her at arm's length.
But nobody have ever accused me of being wise, least of all the hag.
"Don't touch me," she snapped, swatting my hands away.
In the last second before she turned away, I saw in her eyes – so expressive and vibrant – the fear and discomfort she had with the prospect.
"So a guy gets a little too handsy," I remarked, laughing a little sheepishly. "Big deal. No need to hold a grudge."
But, still, I felt bad.
"That's only because you are the hands and I am the body," she snapped. "You know, this is so typical of you, making your bad behavior some kind of joke."
"What can I say?" I asked her. "Nobody ever said I was a good guy."
"Whatever, just leave me alone."
She stormed away from me.
"Hey, wait up," I called after her.
She was going after Kreia.
"Maybe you should wait here," she told me coldly over her shoulder.
"Look, I'm sorry I pissed you off, princess, I really am."
It sounded like a joke, I realized. Everything I said did. It was just so easy to fall into it that I hadn't even realized I'd begun again. It actually frustrated me because now I didn't know how to talk without sounding like I was joking.
That struck me with unease.
"Did you even hear me?" I asked her.
And now I sounded angry. Great. Just great.
Very smooth.
I ground my teeth as she just huffed around me, never meeting my eyes.
"Sure you are," she said dismissively. "Now shut up and see if Kreia is alive."
I hesitated for a moment before begrudgingly leaning down to feel the woman's pulse. I resisted a chill when my fingers contacted her jugular, and I was disappointed to learn that she was alive. I told Neli this.
"Good," she said, glancing back at Bao-Dur.
Her mouth was tight with a scowl, and she looked at anything but me.
Part of me considered only just now that maybe I'd actually really screwed up.
"Hey," I said to her.
Without thinking, her eyes flitted into mine.
I sucked in a breath. What I saw there was not anguish or anger but shame. That was a strange reaction to our little misadventure back in the station. It was not what I had expected – and it was definitely far from what I would have wanted.
I cleared my throat uncomfortably.
"About before," I tried to say, but she just held up her hand.
"No," she said shortly. "Not here. Not now."
"Then when?" I asked her, feeling irritated.
"I don't know. Not know."
She circled and I detected something else in her voice, something I'd actually never heard before.
Fear.
"You know, I don't know what we're going to find here. I don't know what this means, but I feel something that's crazy. I hate that part, you know? The feeling of wrong things when it's inconvenient. Do you know what I mean?"
She glanced up at me, but after a moment she just groaned.
"Of course you don't!" she went on rambling. "Why would I ask you? Your just some smarmy jerk who wouldn't hesitate to take advantage of me every chance he gets."
"I said I was sorry!"
"And now we have to go down there," she said, as if I hadn't spoken. "And the droids – the assassin droids…"
I looked where she was looking now and saw an array of droids, dispatched in a pile. Snow was already accumulating over their unalive corpses.
"This isn't good," she said to the air, pacing. "I don't understand this, but it isn't good. If she sees me, if this is the right thing, I…"
She looked down at herself and sighed, as if she was a mess. She glanced up at me once and seemed to realize herself.
My mouth ran away with itself.
"Hey, uh, sorry, I guess," I offered.
It was lame, even for my standards, and I don't think it could have sounded less sincere if I'd tried to make it.
"Apology not accepted, Atton," she snapped instantly, stalking past me to a gate I'd noticed during her tirade.
"Gee, that's great," I said sardonically. "You sounded like you really mulled it over."
"Didn't need to," she called from over her shoulder.
"Exile," a voice from behind us said.
We glanced back in unison, and Kreia was making her way tiredly to her feet.
"Do not venture to this place without me present. It would be most unwise."
The scowl she threw at the woman was not lost on me, but we fell in step behind her, as the two of us always did. This time, I chose to remain silent.
She went over to the door. It was metal and small, like a spaceship door, and she ducked to meet it. She made a fist and knocked against it when it did not open.
Nothing happened.
"Well, this is just perfect," I quipped.
"Shut up," she said, but not as meanly as she could have.
I just smirked.
Winning her back over already.
She knocked again, and this time the door slid open. Within, there was a ramp, long and dark, leading further into the plateau we'd crashed on.
She breathed in. She breathed out.
"I don't want to go in there," she said to the air.
"Do not be foolish," Kreia reprimanded. "The Ebon Hawk is within. We must retrieve it. And there are answers here that you need."
Neli's mouth formed a thin line in annoyance and fear. I felt annoyed too. I didn't like the woman pronounced the name of our ship.
Even that sounded pretentious and judgmental.
"But what if I don't want answers?" Neli asked.
"Don't be foolish," Kreia repeated. "You no longer have any choice in the matter."
Neli scowled.
"Like hell I don't," she snapped. "I've gotten lost. Why do I need to be found again?"
"Found?" Kreia asked with just a hint of that disdain she had in her voice for me. "Child, you've already been discovered by the Republic. Who else is it that you fear?"
Neli stiffened.
"Well, I thought that was obvious," she said quietly.
"You have nothing to fear from the Jedi here," Kreia replied.
And that was what set me on edge.
Jedi.
Here.
More than Neli.
More than one.
I began to feel uneasy too.
"What kind of Jedi?" I asked.
"As if you would grasp the distinction, fool," Kreia spat at me.
"Hey, I'm just thinking ahead. If Neli thinks it isn't good, then –"
"Neli, as you call her, is operating on misguided fears based upon shame that has no basis in reality," Kreia snapped pointedly. "There is no use discussing this. We must enter now or our companion will surely perish in the snow."
Neli glanced back at Bao-Dur and sighed uneasily.
"Okay, let's go," she whispered, almost to herself.
She ducked beneath the door and made her way down the ramp. We followed suit. The passage that followed looked organized and clean. Too clean. It reeked of organization and pride, two qualities I found I hated in the war.
Beyond us, it was dark.
Until three women, all white haired, beautiful, and pale stepped into the light we ourselves stood in.
The one in the middle looked at all of us, each of us, and her eyes spoke volumes about who she was. She was arrogant, which would probably make it easier to pin her down in a fight. Her lips upturned with disgust, most prominently at Neli.
And out of the corner of my eye, I sensed Neli squirming in a way I'd never seen her do before.
I didn't know what this place was or what it meant to her, but it wasn't good. She held these people in high regard, and the fact that they judged her harshly was unacceptable to me. They surely had no idea what Neli had been through. None of us did.
Not even me.
Especially not me.
The reminder of this sent me into a defensive rage, and I found it difficult to breathe as this same beautiful white haired woman sent that vicious sneer flying into Neli's resolve. Neli cracked a little bit, pulling at the edges of her light brown sleeves nervously. She moved her hands over her figure once, straightening her shirt, flattening her impossible curly hair – to no avail of course.
I felt angry that Neli felt inadequate.
But this, too, made me uncomfortable, and I knew I had to shove it. If we were surrounded by Jedi, they'd all want to kill me – slowly. I'd deserve no less.
And I knew I had to ignore my desire to keep Neli close in favor of simply making it out alive.
"Lay down your weapons, and you shall not be harmed," the woman said to Neli.
Neli was afraid. I saw it in the way her body spoke to me, and it was alarming how much I'd learned to read the subtle nuances of her movements. She clenched and unclenched her fingers, and I felt her itching to reach for a lightsaber that was never there.
"I'm not giving up my weapons," she replied, her voice expertly level.
When she trained that voice on me, unaffected, unburdened by the qualms of the world around her, I hated it. It drove me crazy not knowing what she was thinking or feeling, and I knew I had to be looking at her head on to really get a clear understanding.
But, in the face of our enemies, I loved that she could do that, and I found myself smirking winningly. Almost as if to say, ha ha, you lose.
"I will not warn you again," the white haired woman said. "Drop your weapons, or we shall take them from you."
Neli snorted.
"Hear this, Atton?" she asked conversationally, shooting me a playful smirk. "These jokers think they're going to take our weapons from us."
Something proud inside of me screamed with joy that she felt comfortable enough to joke with me at a time like this.
"Guess they're not fans of having their heads stay attached to their bodies," I quipped.
She tilted her head at me a little.
"Couldn't think of a less morbid taunt?" she muttered out of the side of her mouth.
Her accent was glorious here, and I couldn't restrain a smile.
"I don't know," I muttered back, glancing at the three. "Just go with it."
"No one disarms me," she said, louder now.
And I felt so proud that she could sound like that, with that tone that made me want to fight by her, even when I knew she was quaking inside.
"You are incorrect," the woman said.
She rose her hands to fight, and something in her eyes set an alarm off in my head.
She would win.
And worse.
Neli would lose.
A flare of anger lit inside of me as I dropped into a stance, but Kreia interrupted the conflict before it could begin.
"Do as they say," the old hack whispered. "I sense we will come to no harm."
"Yeah, well, I'd rather not bet my life on one of your senses, witch," I snapped.
"Do it now, Atton, or she will be killed."
Something about this premonitory warning stilled me, and I glanced at Neli for direction. She sighed heavily, nodding to me, and, scowling, I threw my gun to the floor along next to hers.
"Fine," I said. "There's my blaster. Happy?"
"Come with us," the white haired woman said. "And do not try to resist. We will kill you if necessary."
We fell in line behind the triad of women, I in-step with Neli, who now looked, if it were possible, even paler than she had outside in the cold. She still shivered, and I found myself trying to catch her eye. She did look at me, and that fear she'd felt was now back in full view.
"You alright?" I asked her, looking around.
This place…something about it. I didn't like it. I really didn't like it.
She didn't seem to either.
"No," she whispered to me.
Just as the women turned back to us.
"You two," a second woman said. "In there."
She extended a long finger into a room with four force cages. I scowled.
"Like hell I'm getting back in a cage just like that."
"You will or we will make you."
Sighing, I made to whisper some sarcastic comment when I realized Neil was being led away.
"Hey, where's she going?"
"That is none of your business, stranger," the white haired women stated. "But the Jedi has business with our mistress."
"Hey, wait!"
Fear burst through me like a disease, and it didn't stop. Not then.
"She will come to no harm with us," the white haired woman said, less hostilely now.
Her eyes, however, trained knowingly on me.
"You, though, would do well not to test us too much. We have been trained to fight styles like yours."
I stiffened at this, glancing at Neli's back. I'd never told her I'd been trained. Had it been that obvious?
Idiot.
But she didn't appear to have heard. I was grateful.
"Fine, fine," I said warily, stepping into the room with the cages.
It was, somehow, colder than the previous room.
"But I'm not happy about it."
"We neither need – nor want – your happiness. Just your compliance and your respect."
"Don't count on it," I muttered under my breath.
The woman appeared to have heard nothing, and, just like that, I was in jail again.