Max POV

"My lady Max!" Narissa nearly dropped the massive pile of clean laundry she was carrying as she rushed over to me. "Oh, lady Max! I'm so glad you're alright! I can never repay you, m'lady, you've saved my brother twice now!"

"It was no big deal, seriously," I said, rubbing my pounding skull. I wanted to sleep, gosh darnit. It had been one long night, and after a morning of being interrogated, too, I was totally beat. "Hey, Narissa, do you have any idea where I can crash?"

She looked confused.

"You know, where I can go to sleep?"

Her expression brightened. "Yes!" she said, craning her neck around the pile of laundry to meet my eyes. "Lady Eowyn has invited m'lady and your younger sister to sleep in her quarters. It's a bit crowded, see, but she said that two young girls shouldn't have to sleep with all those men."

I silently thanked Eowyn. I was totally comfortable with Fang and Iggy, and the rest of the Fellowship were cool with me, too, but all those smelly, unfamiliar dudes practically spraying testosterone out of every pore (especially after a battle) did not sound appealing. "Sweet," I said. "Thanks, Narissa."

Narissa tried to bow, but the laundry pile swayed dangerously and she thought better of it and made do with a dip of the head. "No, no, thank you, lady Max!"

"Uh-huh," I said. "Yeah, you're welcome. See you around!"

I went to go find Nudge, who I soon discovered was playing with Total right outside of the gate. She was throwing him off the side of the ledge watching him as he struggled to stay aloft. It was kind of funny. "Yo, Nudge! You wanna crash?"

"I want food more!" she called. "But yeah, I'm totally exhausted. I could sleep for a month, and eat a horse. But can we get food, first? Because I feel like that's more essential. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and all that."

"Um," I said. Maybe there was food in Eowyn's room – she was practically the princess around here, after all. "Yeah, just come with me. We'll get some chow, too."

"Can Total come?" asked Total, mimicking Nudge's girlish voice. I rolled my eyes.

"Girls only. 'Cause girls rule," I told him. "Boys drool. Keep out. And all that good stuff. And boy dogs count, too. Sorry."

Total pouted but stomped away back into the Keep, probably to find Fang and Ig and form some sort of boys only club to get back at me. Nudge skipped after me and we started to scour the place for Eowyn's quarters. Helm's Deep was like our nightmare. It was big, but the walls pressed in from all directions and it was freakishly claustrophobic. I had to duck under some arches or I'd crack my already throbbing skull open, which would not be a good thing. My potential concussion was already almost gone, thanks to the super-duper healing skills we seemed to have acquired (all the bruises from the first Epsilon encounter already healed, even Fang's. Almost all our little scratches and such from the battle were practically healed already, so it wasn't just Fang and me) but with the Voice being pissed at me and all my head wasn't feeling so hot.

"Are you looking for something?" came a voice from behind us. We jumped and spun around. It was Eowyn, smirking at us like she knew how desperately lost and uncomfortable we were.

"Yeah," I said. "Your room, actually. Narissa said you invited us to sleep there. Thanks for that, by the way."

"Of course," she nodded. "I know what it's like to be lost in a sea of men, and retiring into a communal room full of them would be even more uncomfortable."

I snorted. "Uh, yeah. I wasn't really looking forward to that."

Eowyn led us through the twist and turns until we came to a small, heavy wooden door. She pushed it open. Inside was a large, open room with a couch-like bed and a fireplace in the very middle. On the far side of the room, two cots were crammed up against one another. Nudge rushed forward and poked the first bed. Then she ripped off the comforter. The sheets were white and clean and the blanket was pretty thick and warm looking, just the sort of bed we never had. Nudge let out a little squee! of excitement and flopped down on the mattress. She hugged the pillow to her chest.

"Screw food," she decided. "I wanna go to sleep right now!"

Eowyn laughed. "You must be very tired after the battle last night," her expression darkened. "But at least you were in it."

I looked at her curiously. "Wait, you wanted to be in that fight?"

"Of course," she said bitterly. "I am part of Rohan. I am capable. I want to defend the Mark. But I'm a woman, so that will not happen."

"Hey!" I clapped her on the shoulder. "Women are just as good at doing the dirty work as men – naw, better. You've just gotta show them whose boss. Kick their wimpy little butts every once in a while and keep them in place and they'll turn into your minions faster than you can say 'girl power'."

"I admire you two," Eowyn sighed. "I really do."

"Well don't!" Nudge chirped. "Become the object of admiration! Whoop booty! Wear pants every once in a while! I mean, I absolutely love dresses and skirts, but I you can't fight in them, like, at all, you know? So ditch 'em! Grab a sword! Slice'n'dice! It's kind of fun, actually. I mean, when you're winning. And not being chased across the state. Uh, Country. World. Multiple worlds."

"What she said."

Eowyn still looked unconvinced, but I wasn't worried. I knew she would wake up and smell the coffee sooner or later. I think she defeated, like, the strongest orc of all time or something in the movie, and it was pretty dang intense.

Third Person POV, Angel

Angel snuck off that night again. She was tired of travelling on foot. It made her legs ache and it was so boring and slow. A little break wouldn't hurt anyone. Now that she knew the way, finding her way to Mordor took under a day – three hours, maybe. When she landed in front of the Tower of the Eye, Mouth was already waiting for her.

"It's been a while, angel," he drawled.

"Only a couple days," she said defensively. "I was busy!"

"You are allied with the ring-bearer."

"What, never heard of a double agent?"

Mouth pursed his lips. "But for who?"

For us, of course, she made him think. "For you, of course."

"Of course," he repeated after the standard eyes-glazed-over and look of confusion.

Angel snickered. If this evil dark lord was so easy to sway, how powerful could he really be? Maybe I'm just more powerful, she thought. Maybe I have the power to take over the entire world! That would be so cool!

"So anyways, I have some news," said Angel. "You like news, don't you? Frodo and Sam and me are on our way here."

"Which route, pray tell?" asked Mouth dryly. Angel told him. Mouth's lips curled up in a raw smile that was somewhat morphed by his creepy mouth. Angel looked at him with her nose wrinkled, like he was a steaming pile of dog excrement on her freshly-cut and watered lawn.

Max POV

"Let's U and A, shall we?" I said. My Flock nodded vigorously. We were all totally psyched that we could actually fly now, stretch our wings and soar above the treetops, skim the clouds and swim in an ocean of open air – the only thing that made being a mutant freak even remotely worth it.

Fang, Iggy, and Nudge all leaped into the air, but before I could take off, Gadalf grabbed my arm and held my back.

"Don't go too far away. Stay close. Any funny business and I'll know, Maximum," he said threateningly. I rolled my eyes.

"Don't call me Maximum, grandpa," I retorted. "And I'm not a moron."

It was ridiculous that after all of this, the wizard still didn't trust me. I mean, I'd risked my neck multiple times to save Middle-Earthian hide. I'd let slip my secret, which should have stayed secret, and even told him a little about our history. I feel like that's grounds enough to trust me, because I don't exactly hand out that touchy-feely friendship crap right and left.

I gave him a middle finger salute, stuck out my tongue, and hopped into the sky, beating the air with my wings and sending clouds of dust spinning out all around me.

It wasn't that far to Isengard – not for us, anyways. It took the entire day for the suckers on horseback to get there, but the Flock was just zipping around lazily, swooping down to wherever whenever we saw something interesting and just generally being very bored. My wings were sort of sore by the time we landed, though, since they were out of practice.

"Max! Fang! Iggy! Nudge! Total!" Gazzy, Merry, and Pippin grinned brightly as we landed. The riders were maybe a hundred yards behind us. Merry and Pippin's expressions changed rapidly from relief to happiness to confusion to shock, but Gazzy jumped to his feet.

"Cool!" he said. "We're showing off our wings now?"

Then he jumped off the boulder the three were sitting on, unfurling his faintly speckled white wings, and swooping up to join us. Nudge and I hugged him while Fang and Iggy gave him high-fives.

"What?" was all Merry could manage.

"Long story, midget boy," I told him. It took every ounce of self-control I had not to burst out laughing. Both of the hobbits looked totally freaked out. It was hilarious.

"Wow," said Total. "Is that beef jerky? I didn't know they had beef jerky here! Hand it over!"

He jumped out of Fang's arms and flapped his wings furiously so he wouldn't totally crash land. He still slammed headfirst into a pile of food.

"This is not beef," he said, chewing and swallowing slowly. "But it's good. Tastes like chicken."

"You young rascals!" came a booming voice behind us. We turned to see Gimli, fuming. "A merry chase you've had us on, and now we find you feasting and smoking!"

"We are sitting on a field of victory enjoying a few well-earned comforts," Pippin insisted. "The salted pork is particularly tasty."

"Salted pork?"

Gandalf laughed. "Hobbits."

"We are under orders from Treebeard, who's taken over management of Isengard," Merry explained.

"Treebeard?" said Gandalf. "Good. I would like to see him. Hop on, hobbits!"

Pippin jumped on a horse with Aragorn and Merry with Gandalf. Gazzy started chatting excitedly with Nudge and I swear to god I didn't know it was possible for two people to talk so fast and still understand each other.

We were interrupted, however, by a forty foot talking walking tree.

"Sweet mother of God," I said. "I'm tripping, aren't I?"

Okay, okay, I know what you're thinking. The Ents were in the movie, Max! but there's something about seeing a giant plant moving around and talking conversationally in real life that sort of shocks your senses, you know?

"Young master Gandalf," said Treebeard. Young? If the G-man's young then my name's not Maximum Ride.

…well, technically, my first name should probably be something else and if I had a birth certificate my last name would be either Martinez or Batchelder… you know what? Never mind.

"Oh my," said Treebeard. "What interesting children. When did you grow wings, young master Gasman?"

"A while ago." Gazzy shrugged.

"Wood, water, stock, and stone I can master," Treebeard continued. His voice was deep and booming, like he was constantly holding back a burp. "But there's a wizard up there in that tower."

"Show yourself!" Aragorn shouted.

"Why don't we just chop of his head and be done with it?" Gimli suggested, looking fidgety and wigged out. Nudge swooped down behind him and shouted "BOO!" in his ear. He jumped and glared at her.

"No, we need him alive. We need him to talk," said Gandalf.

"You have fought many wars and slain many men Theoden King and made peace afterwards," Saruman appeared at the top of the Orthanc, staring down and looking pretty dang ticked. "Can we not take counsel together as we once did, my old friend? Can we not have peace, you and I?"

"Bull," I said immediately. "Cut the crap, you turd."

"We shall have peace," Theoden began. Aragorn looked at him in alarm. "We shall have peace when you answer for the burning of the Westfold and the children that lie dead there! We shall have peace when the lives of the soldiers whose bodies were hewn even as they lay dead against the gates of the Hornburg… are avenged! When you hang from a gibbet for the sport of your own crows… we shall have peace!"

Aragorn's alarmed expression soon switched to a more smug mug.

Haha, see what I did there? I'm Dr. Seuss, I tell you.

Saruman spat some pathetic counter argument, obviously giving up on the whole 'why can't we all just be friends?' thing. Gandalf launched a sharp retort right back at Saruman. Saruman then proceeded to pull out a black crystal ball and stare into it while poking fun at Gandalf and his 'love'. Sort of like Voldemort and Dumbledore.

Jesus, what is it with me and Harry Potter references?

So anyways, Saruman was basically all like, 'you have no hope!' and 'that ranger scum could never become king!' and 'lololol those Halfling dudes are totally dead by now'.

At the end of the long speech, Gazzy's jaw dropped and his eyes lit up with realization. "HOLY CRAP!" he said. "THAT'S COUNT DOOKU. THAT'S TOTALLY COUNT DOOKU."

"Ohmygosh!" Nudge said. "That totally is! We're gonna fight count Dooku! Like from Star Wars! I feel like a Jedi! How wicked is this? Against the Sith, right? Man, this is one fictional event after another, isn't it?"

"Count Dooku?" Iggy whined. "Dang! I really wish I could see right now."

"Well, what do you know," I said. "I totally forgot that that actor plays Saruman, too. Odd."

"Actor?" said Aragorn.

"Just ignore them," Fang said. "The guy looks like another guy. Long story."

"Come down, Saruman, and your life will be spared," Gandalf promised.

"Oh, cut the crap. Want me to fly up and kill him?" I suggested.

"Save your pity and your mercy, I have no use for it," Saruman spat. He then proceeded to blast Gandalf with a giant fireball, which Gandalf blocked. Fang let out a low, impressed whistle, and Iggy kept on complaining that he really wanted to see right now.

"Saruman!" Gandalf barked. "Your staff is broken!"

He made a fist and then opened it. Saruman's staff shattered into a million pieces. Okay, so how does that work? You can just say your staff is broken! And it breaks? Could I do that with Flyboys? Flyboys, your entire bodies are broken! Haha! Probably not. Man, sucks to be me.

Someone was coming up behind Saruman. I squinted to get a good look at him.

"Snape guy!" I gasped.

"What?" said Fang.

"Look, it's Snape guy!" I pointed.

"His name is Grima."

"Oh."

"Grima!" Theoden shouted. "You need not follow him! You were not always as you are now. You were a man of Rohan. Come down!"

"A man of Rohan?" Saruman laughed. "What is the house of Rohan but a thatched barn where brigands drink in the reek and their brats roll on the floor with the dogs? The victory at Helms Deep does not belong to you, Theoden Horse Master. You are a lesser son of greater sires!"

"Grima!" Theoden said again, ignoring Saruman. "Come down. Be free of him."

"Free? He will never be free." Saruman scoffed.

"No!" Grima gasped. He moved towards Saruman.

"Get down, cur," Saruman snapped, slapping Grima to the ground.

"Saruman! You were deep in the enemy's counsel. Tell us what you know," said Gadalf.

Saruman started to say something, but I was too busy watching happily as Grima went to stab him to pay attention. This Saruman guy was really getting on my nerves, even if he was played by Count Dooku. He was too full of empty threats.

Saruman died with two stab wounds to his back and Grima with an arrow sprouting from his heart. Saruman also got impaled on a wheelbarrow.

I know he could handle it, but I clapped my hand over the Gasman's eyes anyways. It was grodie.

Pippin jumped off of Aragorn's horse, splashing through the murky water and pulling the black crystal ball out. He looked at it curiously.

"Well, bless my bark."

"Peregrin Took! I'll take that, my lad," said Gandalf urgently. "Quickly now, quickly."

Reluctantly, Pippin handed the crystal ball to Gandalf who immediately stuffed it inside his cloaks.

"Send word to our allies and to any corner of Middle Earth that still stands free," said Gandalf. "Our enemy is on the move. We need to know where he will strike next."