Authors Note: Sorry for the Delay. The holidays caught me off guard. Please note there a strong Trigger warning on this chapter. It contains some heavy shit.

Damaged

I didn't say all the things that if wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'cause if feel you, I feel you near me

It's just a normal Tuesday, no different than the rest, but from the moment Haley wakes up she has a tight sickness in her belly. For over a week now the feeling has been there. Starting subtly at first, but steadily growing. And this morning it's alive with a vengeance. Haley can't pinpoint its source, can't figure how what bringing this feeling on, but it's very real all the same. A tight anxiousness deep in her gut that feels like impending doom. An instinct that tells her something is coming, something that will turn her world upside down, and to stay on alert for when it crashes down upon her.

Haley stops by the garage a few hours before her shift at Stevie Dees. With all the feelings swirling around inside her – the unexplainable vulnerability she awoke with- Haley feels like returning home. And nowhere feels more like home to her than Opie.

Finding him just where she expected, at the garage working a shift, Haley keeps her big brother company on an old pealing stool while he changes the oil on Unser's car. Sharing small talk and company that seems to put Haley's nerves at ease. Talking with Ope always has a way of calming Haley down. That is until a Charming PD cruiser pulls into the lot and two officers make their way over to Gemma's office in a slow synchronized march.

No one stops what they're doing at the garage, but every eye follows the boys in blue has they enter Gemma's office, before they all share a collective glance amongst each other. Everyone silently wondering what it is this time. Haley knows it's none of her business.

They certainly aren't looking for her and yet she feels drawn to the office. Feels a strong urge to know what's going on. Rising from the stool, Haley moves quietly over toward the open office door. Pretending she is going to throw her empty soda can away in the nearby bin, before she parks herself next to the door for a subtle ear full.

Two of Charming's finest approach Gemma's desk only to find her already waiting for them, with a look that lacks amusement and a hand upon her sharply cocked hip.

"Somethin' I can help you with?" She questions with a placid tone that holds little feeling behind her words.

The skinny young deputy is the first to speak. "Yes ma'am, we're here concerning a missing of person's case, local guy, Hank O'Conner." He explains, the twinge of nerves on his voice revealing how new to the force he actually is.

Gemma doesn't even flinch before answering. "Is that supposed to mean something to me?" She responds, not giving the police an inch. Having lived her life evading and lying to them.

"Seems the last call Mr. O'Conner made was to your shop. On the night of August the 9th." The shorter, stouter deputy elaborates in a matter-of-fact tone nearly every seasoned cop has mastered.

Pulling open the log book, Gemma steadily flips the pages back a few months to August to appease the men before her. Her long manicured fingernail skims across the lines as she attempts to locate the date.

"Say's here, he called for a tow, but when the truck got there he was a no show." Gemma says, an air of irritation on her breath making it perfectly clear she has better things to be doing than assisting the local PD.

"Perhaps we can speak with the driver." The older officer asks in that authoritative way that makes it clear he's not really asking at all.

Spotting the name of the driver that night, Gemma lets out a quick huff of frustration, before quickly putting her poker face back in place.

"Jax!" She bellows out into the garage. Confident whatever this is about Jax can hold his own.

Jax takes his time coming into the office, in no rush for two pigs in suits and badge. Passing Haley on his way in, their eyes connect. The look in hers is palpable as the pieces slowly come together in her mind. Jax's gaze narrowing upon hers as he tries to figure out what the look on her face means, unaware of what awaits him inside. Wiping the grease off his worn hands on a rag, Jax's gives his mom a nod as he passes through the open doorway of her office.

"Augst 19th, last call of the night, you remember anything about that?" Gemma asks.

Jax takes a look at the book and instantly Hank's name jumps out at him. For a split second Jax feels like the air has been stripped of the room, but he doesn't let it show. He has known there was a good chance someone might come looking for this guy. Knew the trail would lead back to the garage, but he had been careful.

Jax is confident a body will never be found and no connection made beyond the call for a tow. Jax knows better than anyone, as long as the evidence doesn't line up, they can't get him on anything. Recovering quickly, Jax slips into the mode of lies and deceit he's been living in his whole life where the law is concerned. "Yeah, I do actually. Guy was a no show. Got there and no one was there but the car. Figured he must have changed his mind and gotten a ride." Jax answers casually with a shrug of his shoulders.

"And after the call?" The seasoned officer probes.

Jax shrugs casually once again, like a smooth operator. "Brought the truck back and called it a night." He answers simply as if he has nothing to hide.

"Yeah," Gemma chimes in with a nod. "I was here when he clocked out." Gemma corroborates.

Jax nods in agreement, but he knows that's a lie. Gemma wasn't at the garage that night. So if she's lying it's because she feels there's something to cover for, but that's a problem he'll deal with at a later date.

"You remember anything being out of place? Anything catch your attention?" The younger deputy questions.

Like the way I struck him over the head and dragged him out into the words, Jax thought.

"Nah, like I said it was just an empty car. So I left." Jax says with an ease he and the rest of the club have mastered.

"Alright then, if there's anything else, we'll be in touch." The older deputy speaks up, seeing there is nothing else to be gathered here at this time.

"I'm sure you will." Gemma shoots back, an edge to her voice that sends out silent draggers.

Stumbling away from the garage office, Haley knows this is one of those times she should not have eavesdropped on a conversation not meant for her. Blindly her feet move back toward Ope as her mind races. Rushing, speeding, as it attempts to process what she's learned. Hank is missing. Jax was sent on the last call he made. Chills run down her back, goosebumps prickle her skin. No, Hank isn't missing. Hank is dead.

"Hales," Chibs calls, coming into her unfocused view. "You feeling alright, darlin'? You're looking a little green around the gills."

Haley barely meets his gaze, the world is spinning, and her reality is collapsing. She knows with every fiber in her being Hank is dead and Jax has fucking killed him. And worst of all, he's done it for her. Flashes shoot through her vision where Chibs should be. Memories of suffocating on her old carpet floor, Hank heavy on top of her back, breaking her as she chokes on her own sobs.

Then the memory burns and all Haley can see is Jax beating him to a pulp; blood, flesh, and bone splatter about, coating blood stained knuckles. Images so vivid Haley can hear them, smell them, feel them. They surround her with no escape. Her eyes frantically scan the garage for relief, but all she sees is red, everything is red.

Her stomach suddenly twists tightly, and before Haley can stop herself bile comes rushing up her throat. Clutching her belly, Haley feels completely out of control as she heaves all over the concrete floor of the garage. Vomit shooting past her lips as she hunches over with the force of it.

Instantly, Haley feels Chibs arms wrap around her shoulders, gently pulling her hair back as Opie's voice hits her ears. "Haley!" Worry thick on her brother's gruff voice as he hollers from across the garage.

As Haley looks up the world still feels like its spinning. She's surrounded, Chibbs, Tig, Ope, Gemma, Jax, even those two deputies. They're all around her or coming toward her. Haley's heart races with panic, she has to pull it together. For Jax's sake she has to play this cool after making a scene like she has. As far as she can tell the deputies don't know Hank once dated her mother, they don't know she knew him, and Haley wants to keep it that way.

"I'm ok," Haley manages to choke out, trying to reassure all the eyes heavy upon her, encircling her.

"It's nothing- really. I shouldn't have eaten that breakfast burrito from the gas station. Who knows how long it's been sitting there." Haley rambles off on a shaky breath, her words sounding ridiculous even to her ears, but it was better than breaking down into hysterics the way she feels like she could.

Gulping down much needed water Gemma hands to her, Haley smiles up at Chibs and Gemma with thanks, before slipping free of his grasp.

"I'm ok." She lies. Trying her best to sound convincing.

"Easy there darlin," He cautions, his hands still extended and hovering around her incase she's not as ready as she thinks.

Her legs feel shaky as she moves forward, her body swaying with uncertainty. "I got you." Opie's speaks up from beside her, wrapping a steady arm around his little sister.

Arms that have protected her her entire life, and in a moment where Haley feels so fragile, it takes everything Haley has not to break out in tears at the sight of her big brother, her hero.

Taking everything in with dark scrutinizing eyes that don't miss a beat, Gemma speaks up.

"Take her inside, let her lie down." She instructs. Not needing to be told twice, Opie slowly guides his sister toward the clubhouse.

"I'm ok," Haley numbly murmurs, knowing that look in Opie's eyes, he's worried. She wants to protect him, doesn't want him to get hurt by what's swallowing her up inside.

"I know," Opie appeases her, always her strength, her rock. Leading Haley out of the garage and to his dorm in the clubhouse. A journey Opie protectively holds his baby sister for every step, only letting up as he helps lower her onto his bed. Her back coming to rest against the pillows haphazardly tossed against the headboard, her legs curling up around her, while Opie takes a seat on the edge of the bed where he can get a better look at his sister.

Haley's breath burst out rapid and shallow as her world caves in on her and anxiety takes a choke hold on her heart. Lost miles deep in her mind as she moves past the initial shock to a much deeper darker place. A place that is unearthing the most traumatizing moment of her life. A moment she has spent years burying and running from.

"You're shaking," Opie notes with concern, his eyes scanning over his sister's trembling form as she sits up on the bed beside him.

Haley's alarm, pain filled eyes shift to her brother as he speaks. "I'm ok," Haley whispers out on a husky emotion thick breath.

Trying to reassure Opie, and keep control over her emotions that are rapidly spiraling out of her control. But her true feelings betray her as tears she can't hold back fill her eyes, bursting at the brim. Her hands tingle as she looks down at them. She can feel Hank's blood on her palms, practically sees it. She can feel his hands still on her, practically see them.

Haley has wished merciless vengeance upon him so many times over the years, especially in the beginning. She had thought knowing Hank was dead would bring her relief, knowing he can never hurt her again, knowing he paid, and it does, but she had no idea how heavy it would feel to carry the weight of that death. She had no idea it wouldn't heal the wound he left inside her.

"What happened? Hales, you're scaring me. Tell me what's going on." Opie pleads as his hands run loosely up and down her arms, it's so plain for him to see his sister is riding the waves of something intensely overwhelming. And he needs her to let him in, let him fix this, because that's what he's always done. To Opie, it's his job where Haley is concerned. Has been since the first day she came into his life.

Opie knows his sister better than anyone. Knows things about her her lips don't even share. Knows what her body language is saying. This isn't about bad food, this is about something much bigger. And seeing her fall apart like this terrifies him to the bone. Haley has never been one to break easily, so seeing her like this tells him something is terribly wrong.

"I'm ok… I'm ok… I'm ok," Haley keeps repeating, to herself as much as Ope, as tears she can't hold back any longer begin to slip silently from her eyes, and run trails down her face. She repeats the words in a feeble attempt to stop the damn that is already breaking, as if saying it enough times will convince her it's true, that she's fine. But Haley can't out run this one, it's hitting her too hard, too fast. She can still feel it, practically see it, his blood is on her hands.

He killed him, Jax fucking killed him, and he did it for her. That makes her just as guilty, if not more. And all the tangled twisted emotions that have plagued Haley all these years over her rape come rushing back to the surface. If she had just gotten away that day- If she had told someone the first time Hank kissed her- If she had begged Piney to let her stay with him after meeting Hank the first time and recognizing in his eyes, his smile, he was going to be the type she needed to stay away from- Then none of this would have happened. Warm tears slide down Haley's cheeks as she feels chokingly guilty and left crumbling where she sits against the weight of it.

Reaching out, Opie takes charge, pulling his baby sister to him. Wrapping her in a safe bear hug, because in this moment he doesn't know how else to help her. She won't let him in. She looks so fragile, so vulnerable, like she is six all over again needing him to protect her from the scary world.

"No, you're not, Hales. You're not ok." Opie's heart breaks with the acknowledgement of her agonizing pain. His voice cracking with the words as his grip never lets up upon her.

Haley clutches Opie tight, burying her face in his shoulder. Breathing his scent of grease and smoke, surrendering to the comfort only he can bring, and slowly the overwhelming panic loosens its grip upon her. Giving way against the safety Haley finds in Opie. Giving way against her big bad brother who can save her from anything.

"Don't ever leave me, Ope. I don't know what I'd ever do without you. I don't know what I'd do." Haley desperately begs, letting Opie's support be the glue that holds her together.

That lets her find her breath again, and push the darkness back at bay. Surrendering to a strength and safety Opie has always given her. Her only hope in this bleak moment.

"I'm not going anywhere." Opie promises without hesitation, conviction solid on his breath as he clutches his sister equally tight. Relieved the rapid pace of her breath is easing.

Haley holds on tight as a steadiness washes over her with Opie's promise. Opie's her home, her compass, she'd be lost without him. And knowing he's here for her, even if he doesn't know what's happening, Haley finds the safety to take back control of her emotions.

Pulling back a little, Haley wipes the tears from her splotchy face as she smiles at her beloved big brother.

"Good, because you keep me together." Haley confesses, sharing a moment, a bond sacred between them, them against the world.

Haley can see in Opie's eyes he's just about ask her what this is all about, when she spots a movement out of the corner of her eye. Her honey eyes dart to the doorway and find Jax standing there, his weight against the doorframe, his gaze heavy upon her. Concern blinding in his steel blue eyes.

"Hey," He wearily calls to her. Jax can see in her eyes he's the cause of this. She overheard the conversation with the deputies. She knows Hank isn't missing. She knows what he has done. Done for her.

"Hey," Haley weakly answers back, before her eyes quickly drop from his. Unable to bare the look in Jax's eyes and keep a straight face with her brother. Not ready to face him and what's done just yet.

Opie glances over his shoulder to meet Jax's gaze. "Came to check on her. How she doing?" Jax asks as if he doesn't know what this is about.

The lie eating at him with every word, because in this moment, as he notes the worry in his best friend's eyes, he knows Opie's deserves to know the truth, but he also understands its Haley's secret to share.

Opie's eyes drift back to his sister as she pulls from his arms. "I don't know. She's won't tell me what's going on." Opie admits on a deep contemplative breath as Haley quickly moves around him and slips off the bed.

Her heart feels heavy in her chest from everything with Hank and Jax, from a truth she has to deny her brother of. Haley hates lying to Opie, but she hates the thought of how badly the truth would hurt him more. She refuses to meet Jax or Ope's gaze as she quickly moves for the door.

"It's nothing, Ope, really. I gotta get ready for my shift." She says on a halfhearted breath before slipping through the open door, refusing to meet Jax's gaze in her escape. Knowing she won't be able to keep it together if she confronts this in front of Ope and needing time to figure out how she feels about it.

Opie rises slowly from the bed, turning to his best friend. His sister's sudden shift in demeanor with Jax's arrival not lost on him.

"What's going on with her, Jax?" Opie questions his best friend with a sharp narrowing glare that looks at Jax in a whole new way.

A few weeks ago, Opie thought Juice was the only brother amongst them he had to keep an eye on. He never imagined Jax might be a Judas in his midst.

"I don't know." Jax lies, the look in Opie's eyes gripping him. Telling him Opie sees what's going on. He might not understand it, but he isn't missing it either.

"Do you think I'm blind, Jax? I don't know what's going on between you two, but it stops here. I shouldn't have to remind you she is off limits." Opie cautions, keeping his tone tight and precise. Fighting every protective urge inside him to turn on his best friend.

"Ope, we're not-" Jax starts to make what only sounds like an excuse before Opie abruptly cuts him off.

"If you were anyone else, I would lay you out in second. You hear what I'm saying, Brother?" Opie warns, the look in his eyes is palpable before he pushes past his best friend and out the door. He's never felt this way toward Jax before. Never felt like he had to protect Haley from him. Opie doesn't know what's going on, doesn't know what has his sister in knots, but he knows Jax is involved somehow.

Of all the nights, tonight Haley is watching her mom's apartment while she's out of town, but in a way it's for the best too. This gives Haley a chance to gather her thoughts and feelings. Try and process how she feels about this turn of events. Alone, where she prefers to deal with herself. She finds herself cleaning her mother's apartment late into the night.

Honey was never a homemaker, never one for organization or cleanliness, and Haley's never really given a damn. It was just another quirk to her mother's long list, but tonight it gives her a task. Gives her hands something to do while her mind moves a mile a minute and her emotions wage war against each other underneath her pale skin. As Haley fights to get a handle on this, because this turn of events makes her assault more real to her then she's allowed it to be in a very long time.

Haley finds herself straightening up the kitchen table- folding discarded clothes, organizing the scattered mail, bringing dirty dishes to the sink- when she heard a knock at the door. Her face whipped to the wooden stab that stood as a barrier between her and the outside world, wondering who could be here at this hour.

Only a few people know she was here tonight, and none of them would be here. And Haley couldn't bear the thought of dealing with one of her mom's friends tonight. Placing the mail back down on the table in an orderly stack, Haley reluctantly moved for the door. Taking a look through the peep hole she spots Jax on the other end and the breath momentarily strips from her lungs.

Recovering, Haley unhooked the chain on the door and slid it open. Her wide vulnerable eyes slam into him at first glance. The look in Jax's eyes is equally deep and piercing as it meets her own. They don't share a word- no need – they both know why Jax is here. Reconciling now is the time, Haley opens the door wider, and moves aside to let Jax in. Relocking the chain after he's slipped inside, Haley turns from the door to face him, where she's meets and holds Jax's gaze for several intense seconds. The weight of the truth suspended between them.

"Your mom?" Jax questioned, finally breaking their silence. Needing to know if they were alone.

"Reno," Haley answered simply. Breaking his stare, she moved back to the table she had been cleaning up. Her hands fidget for a long moment, skimming things, but not really grasping anything.

"He isn't coming back, is he?" Haley quietly spoke up, her eyes daring to peer up through her lashes and find Jax still lingering near the door.

Jax held her gaze for a moment of deep contemplation before he slowly shook his head no.

Jax's answer rattles through Haley. Sending tears burning into her eyes just like earlier in the day as his answer rips through her heart, sending her breath fluttering past her lips in quick bursts. Haley knows she should feel relieved and she does, but she also feels painfully guilty for feeling relieved a man is dead. Even one as horrible as Hank.

"How did it- how did it go down?" She meekly asks, piling plates that clank as her trembling hands stack them.

Jax's face softens with sadness at the sight of her pain he recognizes instantly. Had had hoped knowing Hank was dead would bring her peace, but now he sees the issues is far more complex than that. Holding her eyes unwaveringly, Jax slowly shakes his head.

"It's done." He answers, an unquestionable finality to his voice. Protecting her, the way he's always tried. Making sure she doesn't know enough that this could ever blow back on her.

Placing her mother's shirt, she had finished folding, gently down upon the table top, Haley turned to Jax as a thought, a realization surfaces in her mind.

"That night at Opie's, that was about this?" She questions him, needing to know. That night had been so intense, had been such a turning point between them and at the time it felt completely out of the blue, but looking back at it now, knowing what she knows now, everything makes sense. She had known that night something was wrong, but she never would have imagined this. And now she has to know if it was purely emotion driven, caught up in the moment, or something more between them.

Running a heavy hand down his face, Jax's hand trails down along the line of his jaw.

"Yes- no," Jax admits on a heavy breath. His head shaking lightly as his tries to gather his thoughts on a night that had changed everything.

"I'd never killed anyone like that before, Hales. You were the only thing that made sense to me that night." Jax is brutally honest, his eyes drilling into Haley, calling to her. Trying to make her see what had happened that night wasn't just because of Hank, but rather by killing Hank, opened Jax up to seeing how much deeper his feelings were for Haley than he realized.

Tucking a fray strand of hair behind her ear, Haley held Jax's gaze.

"Why- did you..?" She can't quite spit it out in a full complete thought. Still can't quiet say it.

"He had to pay for what he did to you." Jax answers unflinchingly. He has battled with a heavy conscience, the weight of murder, but this much he has never questioned. This much he is sure of.

His answer is one Haley already knows and yet it shakes her to her core. What he did to her- raped her, stole her last shred of innocence's- the Skelton in her closest that threatened to bring her to her knees. Men had twisted her around before him, but what Hank did, shattered her trust – in her mom, in men. What he did sent Haley locking down her heart so tightly no one could ever hurt her again and made it so she didn't know how to love. Didn't know how to feel safe letting someone in that far.

Feeling her chest tighten at the mention of it, Haley scooped up the pile of mail she had put in order, bringing it over to her mother's desk. Placing the mail down, Haley glances up and is met with a framed photo of herself mounted on the wall. A school photo from many years past, from a few months after the assault. A photo she has always hated. A subtle smile shines from it, from her young face, but the look in her eyes rips Haley wide open. The depth of broken sadness in her tender eyes strips Haley down to the bone and she is instantly taken back to that place.

To the girl who couldn't bare what had been done to her, so to survive, she didn't. She had almost forgotten how that year destroyed her, changed who she was forever. An event so traumatizing Haley had refused to confront it. She lived the years following it like standing under a snowbank- Terrified if she looked at what happened, really let herself feel it, it would all come crashing down upon her, and she'd be buried under the weight of it.

Lost on the photo, the memories rush at her hard and fast. The crippling fear inside her as she tried to run past Hank. The pounding of her heart as she was caught and dragged to the floor below. Feeling his rough hand yank her shorts down her legs as she clawed against the carpet she was pinned to. Grabbing hold of her mother's desk, Haley braces her weight against it as she fights to hold on against the onslaught of memories flashing through her.

Her knuckles turning white, her forceful grip shaking the desk as her tries to ride it out. The images flash through her mind, but it's the emotions that run her over like a train. The unbelievably intense panic racing through everything fiber in her body. Her heart shattered into pieces in a way she didn't know she could survive. Shattered in a way that felt impossible to ever put back together again. She can hear her own frantic sobs echoing through her head as her body was violated in a way it's never been cleansed of since.

Staring at the pitiful image of herself from years ago, Haley sees it in a way she's never allowed herself to before. Finally sees that what Hank did destroyed her and denying it has never changed that. Worse, Hank dying still doesn't change that. This is her life, this is who she is. She's still left with the mess just like before. Having him pay doesn't give her back what he stole all those years ago. Who she was before is lost forever either way. And no matter how deep she buries it she became a victim of rape that day and a part of her will always be a victim of rape. Finally facing that fact in such a brutally honest collision with the truth, Haley breaks down.

Grabbing hold of that picture mounted on the wall, Haley lets out of a rage filled scream as she throws it across the room with everything battling inside her. Watching the glass shatter into pieces- like the inside of her- against the floor on impact, Haley buckles against a weight she doesn't know how to bare. Wrapping her arms around her clenched stomach, Haley dubs over in pain, whimpered sobs come choking up her throat. Unable to stand on her own two feet, swallowed alive by the pain inside her, Haley drops to her knees, rocking uncontrollably back and forth.

In a second Jax is on his knees before her, gathering Haley's face in his hands as he pulls her into his arms.

"It's ok, it's ok…" He tries to sooths her. Trying to help her while feeling completely helpless to combat what she's enduring. This is the damn Jax thought would break when he first learned her secret, but he can see now she still had it bottled up too tight back then, but tonight has unleashed the unbearable reality. And it's a pain he knows he can't understand. A wound so deep he can't fathom the kind of heartbreak it has produced.

Buried in the crook of Jax's neck, clutching onto him for dear life, Haley's breath hitches as sobs shake violently through her body. Haley feels powerless against the painful devastation ripping through her. All the pain that's been living inside her all this time finally given a voice. Haley feels like broken pieces held together only by Jax's hands as she finally faces how badly broken she really is. Broken in ways she never healed from, and probably never will. Haley has survived by burying the truth deep inside her, but Hank's death has finally set it free. The pain of it so powerful all she can do is sob uncontrollably in Jax's arms.

For all Jax's unwitting charm, his fearlessness in the face of danger, his ability to take a punch and keep swinging, his smooth handling of a gun- Jax has no idea how to fix this. He finally sees nothing short of turning back the hands of time will. He hates feeling this powerless in the face of her agony, it kills him to see her in so much pain, but he realizes all he can offer her in this moment is his embrace and unwavering support.

It feels like forever to Jax before Haley's exhaustion wins out over her sobs, and her cries dull to a quiet rumble. Only then can he maneuver her trembling form into a cradling hold. Taking her weak body to the couch, uncertain of the state Honey's bed might be in, Jax tucks Haley between the back of the couch and his secure body. Haley burrows in against him, finding a home against his chest, her face buried in the crook of his neck. It only takes a few short minutes before Jax is convinced she's passed out.

Jax isn't sure when he fell asleep, carried away by the same exhaustion that had taken Haley under, but at some point in the night, Jax comes to to the sound of his cell phone ringing furiously in his pocket. Careful not to disturb Haley, Jax shifts them just enough to fish it out of his back jean pocket. Flipping it open fast before the incessant noise has any further chance to awaken Haley, Jax whispers a husky brute- "Yeah?"- into the phone.

"The gig went to shit." Jax hears almost instantly. It's a voice he would know anywhere.

"Opie," Jax barely has a chance to spit out, before the rapid bursting breath of his best friend becomes painfully audible over the line. "I'm in trouble."

Healing comes so painfully and it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know

-Damaged, Plumb

Author's note:

This was a heavy chapter no doubt, but I didn't want to skim over the depth of it. I think it's a really easy idea to think that killing someone who has committed a deep wrong makes everything better. Creates some sort of cosmic balance and karma to it all. But I think that's actually not true when it goes down. I think it's more complicated than that. As Haley learns in this chapter, making Hank pay doesn't give her back what she lost. It doesn't undo what he did. All the pain, all the damage, it's still there even after vengeance has been handed down. And I wanted to show Haley finally admitting, what happened to her will always be a part of who she is, Hank paying or not doesn't change that. I wanted her to finally face it.

I also once saw an interview where Maya Angelo discussed how she felt after her rapist died, and it really opened my eyes to an array of emotions you wouldn't expect without enduring it yourself. Because Haley is a good person, because she has a heart, I wanted Haley to battle with being happy Hank was dead. I wanted her to feel guilty for feeling that way. And I wanted her to feel guilty for finding herself in this position at all. Taking that blame onto herself, because I believe that's honest and real. Perhaps not as cut and dry as some stories/movies make it, but I don't think it is cut and dry. I think ugly shit like this lies in some pretty murky water. Please bear in mind, my background is based in psychology and a lot of these issues are very personal for me, and that's the angle I'm coming at it with.

As always please review, I'm dying to know what you guys think, especially on a chapter like this. And thank you to every who has left reviews in the past! You guys make this story for me!