A/N

Hey folks, thanks for your patience and apologies for the shorter chapter, I just cannot shake this damn cold! Anyhoo, read, review etc etc.

Cheers.

Chapter 21

Carrie walked out of Nicky's room and started pacing up and down the hallway, trying to calm herself down. Alex sat back down on the floor next to Nicky, "I need both of you in my life Nick..."

Nicky's anger had given way to exhaustion, and the realisation that she didn't really want to hurt Alex, "I don't know how to do that..."

"We'll take it slow, I'm not going anywhere. But first, you need to stop this, at least fucking try. We both know how this could end, and I can't face that. I've said it so many times Nick, and maybe it sounds completely selfish, but I can't lose you too."

Nicky grabbed onto her best friend's hand and squeezed tight, "Deep down, I know that we'd probably make a shitty couple, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to see you with Piper."

"Nick, it doesn't matter who I'm dating, you'll always be my best friend. Please, please, I need you to try."

Nicky put her head back and took a deep breath, "I don't know..."

Alex was starting to get frustrated, she felt like the girl next to her wasn't even Nicky anymore, the real Nicky would never give up that easily. The real Nicky never let Alex give up in the last two years.

"I can't live with myself knowing that you've thrown your life away because you think I don't love you, when you know that's not true. What do I have to do to get you to listen to me?"

But there was no easy fix here, there was only one thing Nicky wanted from Alex.

"Time, just give me time..."

0-0-0-0-0

Carrie dropped Alex back home after they left Nicky's. Nicky kept telling them that she'd start going to school again, but she wasn't willing to make any promises about her drug use. Alex wrapped her in a hug before they left, she was afraid to let go. But Nicky had asked her for time to get used to Piper, time to accept the fact that Alex was completely in love with the blonde, that this relationship was serious. Alex promised to try, but it all felt like a pathetic lie. Nothing had been resolved, but they still all walked away from each other, there had to be a better way to fix this.

Alex let herself into the apartment and sat on the couch next to Piper, resting her head on the blonde's shoulder. She closed her eyes when she felt Piper kiss the top of her head and put an arm around her. It felt so good, but it also made her feel guilty because it was all at Nicky's expense.

"Did you find her?"

Alex nodded against Piper's shoulder, "Yeah, she was at home, and she was a fucking mess."

"Tell me what happened Al."

Alex sighed, "She locked herself away in her room, getting high."

The worry in Alex's voice made it clear that Nicky didn't just smoke too many joints. Despite everything that had happened, Piper didn't want Nicky to hurt herself.

"What did she take?"

"Heroin..."

"Shit...Is she okay?"

"I don't think so."

Alex kept telling herself she needed to explain the situation to Piper slowly, but she couldn't stop herself. She needed to get the words out, now.

"I know I have absolutely no right to ask you for any favors, but I have to help her. I can't let her keep doing this to herself when I know that she's got no one else around her that gives a shit. I will do anything I can to help you feel more comfortable with this. But I can't just leave her to deal with this on her own. I know it probably sounds completely fucking selfish...but I need both of you in my life."

Alex tried to hold onto her tears, but a few still managed to escape and roll down her cheeks. She closed her eyes and tried to focus, but she still couldn't control the quiver in her voice.

Piper kept hugging Alex, she had no idea what the solution would look like, but she knew they needed to try and work it out. The first step for her was trusting Alex to do the right thing, regardless of Nicky's behaviour.

"We'll work it out okay, I understand."

Sally walked into the lounge room while Piper was hugging Alex, trying to calm her down. She overheard most of their conversation, she struggled to believe Nicky had taken things so far.

She sat down next to her sister, "Are you okay kid?"

Alex didn't say anything, she kept trying to focus on Piper. Sally locked eyes with the blonde, "What's the plan?"

Alex sat up straight and finally looked at her sister, "There is no plan, she said she needed time. She promised she'd be at school tomorrow, I'll talk to her more then."

"Do her parents know?"

"Are you kidding me, they're never fucking there. They don't know anything."

Sally didn't like the idea of Alex dealing with this on her own, but she also knew how stubborn the younger girl could be.

"This is serious Lex, you need to tell us if things get rough."

Alex knew her sister was right, but she wasn't ready to admit that she needed any help. She felt responsible for Nicky's actions, and she wanted to be the one to help her out of this.

Sally stood up again, "I'm gonna catch up with John for dinner tonight, I won't be back too late. What are you guys doing tonight?"

Piper kept an arm around Alex's shoulders, almost possessively, "I think we're just gonna stay in, have a quiet night."

A few more moments passed before Sally left the apartment, and Alex tried to bury her face in Piper's blonde hair.

"What do you feel like for dinner?"

"I'm not really hungry Pipes."

Piper forced the younger girl to sit up, "Okay, we're getting this all out in the open now. I'm not gonna break up with you for helping Nicky, I don't want anything bad to happen to her. The rules haven't changed Alex, all I need is for you to keep being honest with me. But do not shut me out, you're not alone Al."

Alex nodded, she knew she needed to make more of an effort to pull it together.

Piper kept looking at her girlfriend. She knew how important Nicky was to Alex, she knew she needed to find a way to be okay with their friendship.

0-0-0-0-0

Alex was so nervous about seeing Nicky at school the next day, and Carrie could tell.

"She'll be here, don't freak out yet Vause. Last night went better than it should have. You got her talking, it'll be okay."

Alex couldn't relax until she saw Nicky in her second class of the morning. She looked tired, but at least she made it.

Both girls walked into the bathroom before their next class. Nicky had been quiet all morning, and Alex couldn't stop the words from spilling out of her mouth.

"I don't think I can do this without you Nick..."

Nicky's voice sounded so tired, "Do what?"

"The everyday...talking to you, seeing you. Knowing that no matter what fucked up thing I've done you'll always be there, and you'll never judge me. I need that, more than you know."

Nicky hugged her best friend as soon as she heard those words, "I need that too."

Nicky was so tired, all she could do was lean against her best friend. She didn't know whether to believe Alex, but she knew that she wasn't willing to risk hurting her like that. Nicky had done such a perfect job convincing herself that Alex didn't want her anymore. But still, underneath all those layers of insecurity, anger, and sadness, Nicky knew she'd rather be a part of Alex's life as her best friend, rather than not at all. But no matter how many times Alex told Nicky she loved her, it was never quite enough. Hopefully one day it would be, because that type of love was lifesaving.

Nicky hadn't been taking heroin for long, she really didn't know what she was doing, she had no idea if she'd have withdrawal issues. She was trying to focus on Alex, but she could feel all the tension building up inside of her. It had been so long since she'd felt anxiety like that, she'd almost forgotten how bad it could be. Just the idea of having to experience that again made her want to cry, but she didn't tell Alex or Carrie. She needed to find a way, but any sort of meaningful solution felt so fast away right now.

All these feelings also made her think of Diane. She'd relied on the older woman so many times when her own mother didn't seem to care. Maybe that's why she was struggling so much with Alex's relationship with Piper. Her safety net had always been Alex and Diane. Now Diane was gone, and she felt like Alex was being pulled away from her. She spent so much time trying to rationalise everything in her mind, but she still had no clue what was going on in her own head.

Nicky pulled back from the hug and tried to dry her tears, she needed to change the subject, she needed to try and feel normal again.

"Have you heard from Julie lately?"

Alex shook her head, "No, but I feel like I should call her, at least do something. I know she's fucked up, but I still see pieces of my mum in her. I don't know, maybe I'm just grasping at straws."

"No, no way Alex. You should talk to her, get to know her, everyone deserves another chance."

0-0-0-0-0

Alex found Piper sitting alone in the library during her free period, she just needed her company, Piper had become her safe zone.

Alex walked up behind the blonde and kissed her on the cheek, "Hey Pipes."

Piper smiled as soon as she heard that familiar voice, "Hey yourself. Everything okay?"

"I don't know, I'm not actually sure what that means anymore. But I feel okay, today hasn't been a complete disaster."

Piper kept replaying those words over in her mind, today hasn't been a complete disaster...

She felt like Alex had gotten so used to living in total chaos, that anything less than that was a win. But it was sad, her girlfriend was so desperate to do the right thing, but no one really seems to know what the right thing to do is. Maybe there is no single 'right thing to do'. Maybe the right thing for one person is the completely wrong thing for another person. But that makes it even more frustrating. How are we ever meant to know if we're doing okay? Are we all just guessing? Or does it just come down to taking the path that will hurt the least people? There are so many unknowns, so many unanswered questions, it's like the blind leading the blind. Even the older people in their lives, the ones that were meant to know what they were doing, none of them had a clue. What chance did they have when those with the most life experience kept making the same mistakes over and over again...

Julie had a completely dysfunctional relationship with her parents, which ended up destroying her once good relationship with Diane. Carol and Bill seemed even worse, they couldn't even bring themselves to admit they had issues. They seemed to have lost the ability to express or even recognise true human emotion. For them, the right course of action was determined by whatever they needed to do to maintain their social standing, there was no room for the luxury of human emotion in their world.

That was the complete opposite to Sally and Alex's world. Both of those girls were so driven by their own emotions. Alex felt her emotions so deeply that she tried to push them far away and forget about them. The level of emotion that she felt nearly destroyed her so many times, and now Piper was asking her to lay it all bare. Was that the right thing for Alex? Or was it purely selfish of Piper? The truth probably lay somewhere in the middle, but it's so hard to find your way to the end when you're stuck, maybe even trapped in a world of greys.

Sally's emotions were so centred around Alex that sometimes she seened to forget to remember what she actually wanted. That way of thinking may have been good for Alex's well being, but was it good for Sally? It seems like there is never a right answer, there is no easy way out sometimes. Sometimes all you can do is trust your instincts. Sometimes you won't know whether or not you've done the right thing until it's too late.

Alex could see that Piper had completely zoned out, "C'mon Pipes, I'm not that boring."

Piper was pulled back to reality and tried to give her girlfriend a smile, she kept getting so lost in her own thoughts lately. Piper gently placed her hand over Alex's, "You're not boring at all.'

Piper leaned across the desk and kissed Alex softly, trying to block out the rest of the world. This was where she found her peace, when she was alone with Alex.