A/N: Hi everyone! First of all I want to thank you for your great reviews. To those who have just begun this story a chapter or two ago, I'm glad you found it and that you're enjoying it so far! All the feedback has been amazing, whether it's good or bad because it helps me to see what I'm doing right or wrong.

This next part was a bit difficult for me to write but it was something that had to be done. I just hope that you aren't too disappointed by it. Also some of your questions will be answered here and the parts that aren't quite explained will come soon. I'm actually pretty nervous here but the way it played it was how I envisioned it from the very beginning so... here goes nothing.

Chapter 21 - Nobody's Home

Her feelings she hides

Her dreams she can't find

She's losing her mind

She's falling behind

She can't find her place

She's losing her faith

She's fallen from grace

She's all over the place

The next three basketball games went down in the books as victories. Tree Hill High was undefeated and looking to stay that way as they approached winter break. Two week's worth of time off to celebrate Christmas and the start of a new year. But the Raven's record wasn't the only source of talk throughout the halls.

"Okay, seriously tutor girl… you can't skip the Winter Formal. Next to prom it's the biggest event of the year and even then prom isn't really that big of a deal until we're seniors," Brooke declared as she sat across from her new friend in the tutor center. One of the few quiet places left in the school since half the students spent breaks between classes trying to get a date for the dance. "Besides, you proved at Tim's party that you could be hot if you wanted to."

"Gee, thanks. I might just blush," Haley retorted sarcastically.

"Come on, Hales. Isn't there at least one guy… any guy that you'd like to go with?" Brooke asked while Haley felt a wave of disappointment in herself when her thoughts immediately drifted to Nathan. No matter how many times she told herself that he just wasn't the one for her, she couldn't squelch the small crush she had somehow developed on the team's captain. "I hear Tim's still looking for a date," she added teasingly, hoping to coax a smile from the otherwise serious girl.

"Yeah, I'm not that desperate," Haley stated, rolling her eyes in mock exasperation. "Besides Brooke, it's not like all of us are snow queen material," she continued blithely. "And not all of us are interested in being dressed up like evening gown Barbie for a date that'll inevitably want to go get drunk afterwards at some basketball player's beach house."

"Retract those claws, kitty," Brooke said and leaned back in her chair, glancing at Haley speculatively. "Wow…someone is definitely glass half empty today."

"Is that Brooke speak for cynical?" Haley asked.

"You know, I'm on to you," Brooke declared as though Haley hadn't spoken. "You have a crush on a guy but you won't admit it. So you don't want to go to the formal either because you can't go with him or because you won't go with him," she stated while it was Haley's turn to sit back and stare. "Don't pretend I'm wrong either. I have a total sixth sense when it comes to hook ups."

"Yeah, well… whether I deny it or not, it doesn't really matter because I'm not going to the formal," Haley informed once she'd recovered from the surprise of Brooke's prediction.

"We'll see," Brooke said with a smile, one that made Haley nervous, before the brunette flounced out of the room.

"God help me," she muttered to herself and dropped her head against the table. Who knew what kind of trick Brooke Davis would pull out from under her sleeve?

-----

"So you and Peyton break up. Basically, you realized you were never really in love with her, cheated on her and let her find out," Brooke declared as she stood on the court and watched Nathan practice his jump shots. "Now it's been weeks and you haven't asked another girl out. You haven't even had a random hook up at a party, not that I'm making a suggestion. But needless to say, it's not because you're pining over Peyton."

Shaking his head, Nathan reached for another ball and sunk the shot. "That's for the recap, B. It's a big help and all since I slept through the last few weeks of my life," Nathan retorted sarcastically.

"Alright, grouch. Did you wake up on the wrong side of nobody this morning?"

"Cute."

"But enough about me," Brooke continued with a half hearted wave. "Tell me that you're abstaining from girls because you're hung up on a particular tutor. And don't bother denying it. You and I both know that I'm right," she added when she saw Nathan open his mouth to protest. Her words, not unlike the ones she said to Haley earlier that morning.

"Doesn't matter anyway," Nathan said, shrugging like it was no big deal.

"Okay, I know a lot but I don't know everything," Brooke admitted. "Tell me why it doesn't matter."

With a sigh, Nathan released the ball he was about to shoot and turned towards his long time friend. "You know why." Plain and simple with no pretenses. "There's no way she'd accept it and don't even try to pretend its okay. Otherwise you would have let Lucas in on your own little secret already. But there's a reason why you're scared and it's the same as mine." The words brought it back again. It seemed like they could never quite get away from it. Like they could never actually outrun their past.

"God, Nate… how screwed up were we? Shaking her head, Brooke laughed humorlessly. "What the hell were we thinking?" she asked as her own pretenses began to fall away.

"Whatever the hell it was, it definitely wasn't about the future," he replied quietly.

"You know I always figured you were okay with it," Brooke confessed after a hesitant pause. "You acted like it was no big deal and it wasn't nearly as embarrassing for you as it was for me," she muttered, remembering an event that felt like it had happened a lifetime before. "It always used to make me mad, you know? The one person I shared it with didn't even seem as affected by it."

Rolling his eyes, Nathan shook his head. "Right, B. Like it wasn't completely humiliating for me," he said with his own laugh. "I just had to play it off differently. Show no fear and all that crap. Especially after I saw how hard they were making it for you afterwards."

Brooke noticed that his voice had begun to sound sad, almost remorseful as he admitted what it had been like for him. She supposed it would be worse if he knew the entire story but he didn't. Brooke had never given anyone all the details before no matter how tempted she was to talk about it. "Well I got through it," she sighed quietly. "And I am going to tell Lucas. I just have no idea how. I mean… how do you even start a conversation like that? What can I say that won't change the way he looks at me?" she asked, gazing up at her friend pensively.

"You must be desperate if you're coming to me for advice on Lucas." It was meant as a joke to lighten the mood but Brooke didn't see it that way.

"Forget it, Nate. Just… forget I said anything at all," Brooke shook her head, feeling foolish for asking in the first place.

"Wait. I'm sorry," he apologized and reached for her arm.

It was then that Lucas walked through the gym doors with his backpack slung over one shoulder. He glanced between the pair, unspeaking and waiting for one of them to say something first. "You don't have to apologize," Brooke told Nathan and gently removed his fingers from her wrist. With purposeful steps and not once looking back, Brooke walked towards Lucas and smiled. "Hey boyfriend," she greeted, looking up at him with serious eyes. "Do you think we could go somewhere to talk?"

There was no turning back.

Brooke knew that Lucas accepted her inability to reveal too much about her past at once. But keeping secrets would only lead to problems. She understood that after talking to Nathan because he was having the same problem. The difference was that he wasn't confident enough to tell the person he cared for the truth. Brooke, on the other hand, realized that she was no longer willing to take the chance of losing Lucas because of the things she hid.

Afterwards he could make his own decision and Brooke would just have to accept it.

"Sure," he agreed quietly after one final glance at his brother.

Nathan felt genuine concern for his friend as he watched walk out of the gym with Lucas by her side.

He may have had issues with his brother but for Brooke's sake, he hoped Lucas was the guy Brooke believed him to be. Otherwise his friend was in for a lot of heartache. And Nathan knew that Brooke would never risk opening her heart to anyone else again if Lucas turned his back on her.

-----

With an open campus policy in effect, it wasn't difficult for Brooke and Lucas to drive off in her car. But where to go seemed to be the problem. Brooke didn't want to go back to her house or Lucas' because she had good memories of them as a couple in both places. She didn't want to ruin that in case everything blew up in her face. The same for the Rivercourt and anywhere in public was out of the question as well. So Brooke drove and kept going until they reached the edge of town, just beyond the city's limits.

"What's wrong, Brooke?"

Lucas, for the most part, had been patient even though the expression on his face told Brooke that he had a million questions.

"It's someday," she said once they had driven down a dirt path and rolled to a stop in front of an old house. The wood was burned in most places, battered and broken even as it still remained standing. Tall grass seemed to hide it from the highway's view, masking Brooke and Lucas along with it as they sat inside her car. "I'm not sure that I'm ready for this but I can't keep running from it either," Brooke quietly admitted and remained facing the scene in front of her as Lucas turned in his seat. She could feel his eyes on her. Could hear his even breathing. He wanted to say something but she guessed that he didn't know what it should be.

"What did I walk in on back at the gym?" Lucas finally asked. "With you and Nathan."

"Bad memories," Brooke answered with a small shrug.

"About what?" he asked softly.

"Initiation."

It was another one of those words that Lucas had come to hate since joining the basketball team. Five syllables yet it invoked so much dread whenever he heard it.

"Okay…" taking a deep breath, Brooke finally forced her eyes to look at Lucas. "Before I start, I need you to promise that you'll just let me get it all out. That you won't ask any questions until I'm finished because if I have stop… I don't know if I'll be able to keep going," she admitted, eyes pleading.

"Brooke…."

"Please."

She hadn't even begun and already she looked broken. Lucas was tempted to tell her that none of it mattered anymore. That he didn't need to know but he sensed that she needed him to listen anyway. "Okay," he nodded and felt his hand shake as he stopped himself from reaching out to take hers. He saw on her face that she didn't want his touch and Lucas had to remind himself not to feel offended by it.

"Okay," she agreed shakily. "Okay."

Dragging in another long breath, she closed her eyes and remembered. It was now or never.

"It came in a lot of different stages but it began with sex," Brooke stated and glanced down at the hands she folded in her lap. "It was freshman year. I had just made the varsity squad and so had Nathan. So they threw this party out at Felix Tagarro's beach house." She cringed at the thought of him and more so when she had to say his name out loud. "We were the youngest in the group and they all expected us to be the king and queen of the school when our time came. So they needed an initiation that was fitting for the power we'd one day have."

Dread settled in the pit of his stomach as Lucas feared he'd hear the worst. In his mind he imagined Brooke saying that she slept with his brother. That he had been her first and their conversation in the gym had been about Brooke wanting to admit it to Lucas. And because of his fear, he almost missed what Brooke said next.

"Two captains of two squads breaking in the two new recruits."

He blinked in surprise but Brooke didn't notice. She continued to stare at her lap as her voice began to hitch.

"I wasn't even fifteen yet but Felix didn't really care. I did, but… the alternative seemed so much worse," she shrugged and rolled her eyes at herself. "I was in, you know? I knew it existed and they'd done so many screwed up things that they couldn't risk me telling anyone just because I'd gotten cold feet." Brooke felt tears gather in the corners of her eyes but willed them not to fall. "They promised hell if I didn't go through with it and after I did… they gave me hell anyway."

She felt like a slut. They made her feel that way and she had done nothing to help it afterwards.

"It hurt," her voice cracked. Lucas felt anger course up and down his body, looking at the beautiful girl who had been broken by a stupid game. "I cried the whole time and he turned his face away so that he wouldn't have to see my tears. And when it was done, I just laid there naked on the sheets and stared at a small spot of my blood that had been left behind." She could still picture it perfectly. From the paintings on the walls to the scent of fabric softener that clung to the linens. "Then I threw up. It was all over the floor and I couldn't stop crying."

When she broke down, she finally let Lucas wrap his arms around her. She buried her face against his chest and soaked his shirt with tears while he gently stroked her back.

"He didn't use a condom," she whispered, determined to get it all out at once despite Lucas' quiet assurances that he didn't need to hear anything else. "I didn't know the difference." Brooke thought about everything that happened next, still amazed that after such a horrible experience, it still managed to get worse. "They videotaped us and everybody sat down to watch it while they drank beer and ate popcorn. It was a sick joke the way they stared at the screen like they were in a theater." All except Nathan because he was too freaked out about the images he saw and scared when he realized that they'd probably taped him too.

"Everyone laughed because I cried and Felix just… he just looked so damn proud of himself." Hating him was a constant in her life. Something that hadn't changed from the age of fourteen to two years later and despite the fact that he was now gone. "He broke me in, he got me first. And he caught it all on film so there was no chance of me ever telling anyone about the things I knew."

"Brooke…."

"I was pregnant," she blurted out as shame washed over her. "I didn't know. I promise I didn't know."

"Brooke, no. Not anymore," Lucas said, watching her break all over again. "You don't have to say anything more."

His own body shook with anger. The tale she told was a horror story and he'd never wished for anything more than he did in that moment to find Felix Tagarro. "But you promised," Brooke reminded brokenly. "Please," she begged even though everything inside of her was screaming to stop. She couldn't. Not when it was the first time she'd ever admitted any of it out loud to anyone. Not when she needed Lucas to know everything before things between them went any further.

"I'm sorry," he whispered in her ear. Not for the promise he desperately wanted to break but for all the things she'd endured. For the secret she had to keep. "I'm so sorry." It was his turn to beg. Only his wish was for her to stop because he feared that nothing would ever be okay for her again if she finally said all the words out loud.

But she didn't listen and her remembrances only made her sob louder while his chest did nothing to muffle the sound. "I-I couldn't move. And n-no one was h-home yet," she kept on in a voice that was almost inaudible. "I was… was having a… a m-miscarriage and I didn't even know I h-had been p-pregnant."

Even after what had happened with Felix, the day Brooke learned she was pregnant was the worst one of her life.

"The maid was the one who t-took me in and when my… my m-mom found out a few days later… she wasn't worried or sad. She just s-slapped my face and then took me to that doctor to get all kinds of… of tests. She wanted him to put me on the p-pill so that it wouldn't happen a-again."

Brooke couldn't continue because her sobs became so loud that she felt like she couldn't breathe. Her hands clutched at Lucas' shirt and she wanted nothing more than to just crawl into his lap and let him hold her. To chase away the ghosts that had haunted her ever since that fateful night at the beach house. The night she began to feel like a whore for the things she allowed to happen. It changed her and slowly she became the thing she most detested. She turned it all around and used sex as a defense against boys who got too close because she could then push them away afterwards. She could be the slut who strayed from commitment and no one would second guess it because that was who she was.

The legendary easy one.

She would have gone through high school the same way she began it only something changed along the way. Lucas had walked into her life and she didn't want to push. She didn't want to keep him at a distance because Brooke wanted him to have her heart. The look in his eyes and the gentle way he held her told Brooke how well he would guard it.

So she broke all the rules. All the carefully constructed walls that were meant to keep away the outsiders.

"I'm sorry."

It broke his heart and filled it with rage and remorse all at once.

Lucas remembered Felix. He was a smug basketball player, the former point guard on the Ravens team. He had also dated more than his share of girls while he'd been at Tree Hill High. Something that had earned him a reputation he always seemed so proud of.

A player in another sense of the word.

Haley had even had a crush on him when they were freshman because he and her sister Taylor were such good friends and he spent a lot of time in the James house.

"I'm sorry," Brooke continued to whisper over and over. She shook life a leaf in his embrace and Lucas tightened his hold around her. He had buried his face in the crook of her neck and his hot tears fell onto her skin. It was helplessness. The overwhelming feeling of being able to do nothing to help the person you loved. "I hate him so much."

"So do I," Lucas murmured against her neck.

"D-do you think you could… forgive me?" Brooke whispered fearfully, scared to let go because she thought it might be the last time he'd hold her so close.

Closing his eyes against the anger and sadness, Lucas didn't speak. Not at first.

"Luke?"

"Nothing to forgive, pretty girl," he said in a voice thick with emotion.

Lucas held her while she cried and continued to hug her close even after her tears had dried.

"Nothing to forgive."