Lyla dislikes being a big sister once the baby is home.

"Alex, will you put a bib on the baby?" I call to him as he sits on the couch. He doesn't say anything back to me, but he does get up so I know he heard me. I pull the orange lid off the can of Similac Formula and stick my fingers down into the nasty smelling powder. I pluck out the orange scooper and use the side of the can to pack the powder down and scrape it off the top. I tap the scooper against the ring of the plastic bottle liner and scoop up another capful of the powder. I wish Similac didn't smell as bad as it does. I think it smells like a dirty diaper and it always leaves it's stench behind after I feed the baby and it's just so gross. Then again, all formula powder smells pretty bad. The only formula that smells even remotely okay is the Gerber Good Start but of course, I can't feed that to my baby because it's too hard on his stomach. He was on the Gerber formula for like a day and he puked all over the place and Alex changed it to the Similac with the orange lid because it's for sensitive tummies.

I take the plastic liner over to the sink and pick up the little container of my milk that I put on the counter. Instead of dissolving the formula powder in water like normal mothers do, I pour some breastmilk into the liner to dissolve the powder. I pop the cap back on the container, stick it back in the fridge and grab the transparent nursing bottle. I drop the liner into the bottle and screw the white cap back on. I pull on the bottle's nipple to make sure it's the non-collapse nipple and once I make sure that it is, I plug my finger over the nipple's opening and shake the bottle hard to get the powder to dissolve in my breastmilk. Up until last week, I didn't even know that it was possible to mix breastmilk and formula in the same bottle. I consider myself some sort of professional at the whole handling a baby thing because after all, this is my second baby but I really didn't know that mixing formula and breastmilk was possible. We took the baby to the doctors last week because even though Alex switched his formula, he still wasn't gaining weight the way he should've been. The doctor told us to start mixing in formula in with his breastmilk and that should help him gain weight and I must say, it's working. I stick his bottle in the microwave and heat it up for twenty seconds.

He was eight pounds when he was born but when they weighed him to discharge him from the hospital, he lost four ounces. The four ounces wasn't exactly a big deal because most babies do end up losing weight but he just wasn't gaining it. I was nursing him for a little while when we were still in the hospital after having him, but he stopped nursing. He'd push my nipple out of his mouth and act like he didn't want it so we just started formula feeding him. The Gerber was bad on his belly so Alex switched it to Similac and he's been okay on the Similac, except for the fact that he wasn't gaining weight. I started mixing his formula with breastmilk almost two weeks ago and he's already gained two and a half pounds. If I'm being honest, I don't know why he needs to gain weight. He has enough fat on his body to store for the winter. He's a fat little thing and the doctors are still telling me that he needs to gain weight. I remove the bottle from the microwave and continue shaking it as I go back to my living room. "Where's the baby?"

"Swing." Alex mumbles and continues folding the tiny pink underwear that belong to our daughter. It's rare that we both get off days, especially since his schedule is back to normal now that he's working at Grey-Sloan again. He had a bunch of free time and off days when we was working at Seattle Presbyterian but since we've decided to try and work things out for Lyla and for the baby, everything's starting to fall back into the way they were before we got the divorce. He's back to working at Grey-Sloan, he's back here living with us and Lyla's not acting out as much as she used to be in school. Things are doing well with us so far, but I'm still a little hesitant to marry him again. We're still divorced and eventually, I'd like to marry Alex again but right now, I don't want to chance anything. It's rare that we both have days off to just spend at home together and what's funny is that when we do have days off, we spend them sitting on the couch and in Alex's case, fold Lyla's laundry.

I put the warmed bottle down on the coffee table and walk over to the swing. As always, when I see him, I have to crack a smile. He's so perfect and precious, I can't stand it. He's laying down in his vibrating swing and snoozing so peacefully. The blue and gray headrest is positioned perfectly around his head and neck, he's strapped in neatly and he's sucking on his favorite green pacifier. I think he looks fake. Wearing a pair of dark gray sweatpants, a light blue and navy blue striped onesie and fluffy white socks; he looks so fake. He looks like a little baby doll just laying there all perfect and whatnot. I'm so in love with him. "Alex." I kneel down in front of the swing and start unstrapping him. "Come here, buddy. Come see mommy." I carefully pick him up and he whines a little bit. "No…don't cry. Mommy's got some good eats for you." I give him a kiss on his cheek like I do about fifty times a day and rest him on my shoulder as I carry him over to the couch. "Alex, hand me his bottle." I sit down slowly on the couch and position my baby boy in my arms so I can feed him. "Thank you." I take the bottle off Alex when he hands it to me.

I wonder when the newness is going to wear off for me. I remember back when we had Lyla, her newness didn't wear off for like…a year and a half tops. I wanted everything to do with my baby girl and it took me a good solid year to be alright with other people holding her. Lyla was my world when she was a baby. She still is my world, of course but when she was a baby, I used to go nuts over her. I'm crazy over my baby boy too but I can't help but wonder when the newness is going to wear off. I'm completely obsessed with everything he does. Every cry, every whine, every crappy diaper…I'm so obsessed with him. Granted, he's only three weeks old but I can't imagine ever letting anyone else take care of him. Eventually I'll have to. When I go back to work after six weeks, he'll have to go into daycare and I'll probably be a wreck but I don't want to think about that. He's so precious. "You got breastmilk in that bottle, right?" Alex starts folding up Lyla's socks. "Make sure he eats that whole thing. That bottle is what…8 ounces?" I nod my head. "Yeah, make sure he eats all of that."

"I will." I ease the pacifier out of Alex's mouth so I can start feeding him. Once the pacifier is gone, he starts whimpering. "Oh no…no, buddy…don't." He opens his mouth up and starts screaming at me. "No, bubbs…don't cry." I put my lips to his tiny little ones and gently bounce him up and down. While he's crying, I turn my head to the left since I heard a door open up. Sure enough, my other baby is walking out of her bedroom and rubbing her eyes. Kindergarten's been kicking her ass lately. She's like a little teenager when it comes to waking up in the mornings and on the weekends, she sleeps so late it's not even funny. "Look who finally decided to grace us with her presence." I mumble to Alex, sitting on the couch next to me. Still rubbing her eyes, Lyla teeters into the living room. Her hair is all over the place and her Little Mermaid nightgown is all disheveled but she just woke up so she has an excuse. "Hey bubbles. Are you up?"

She looks at me with the most evil look on her face and yawns. "You want some juice?" Alex asks her. She nods her head and yawns again. He springs up off the couch and bustles into the kitchen to get her something to drink. The two of us have been trying really hard lately to make sure Lyla knows that she's still a very big part of our lives. When I went into labor with Alex, Steph came over and sat with her while me and other Alex went to the hospital. After I had him, Steph brought her to the hospital to meet him and Lyla's initial reaction was flat out terrible. I kind of knew it was going to be bad because throughout my whole pregnancy, she just wasn't having it. She wouldn't touch my belly, she wouldn't help me pick out clothes for him, she wouldn't help me set up the nursery, she did NOTHING. She wanted nothing to do with the baby at all. Alex had the idea of getting them presents to give to each other to hopefully ease the tension between Lyla and the baby and that didn't even work. Lyla came in and handed the baby a little stuffed Tigger toy and we had the baby "give" her a werewolf Monster High doll. That didn't work. She still looked at him like he was dog shit to her and she didn't treat him any better. We told her to give him a kiss and she blew a raspberry at him instead. She hasn't been doing well with the baby at ALL.

I can understand why, considering the fact that she had been an only child for five years before this but for the last three weeks, we've had to yell at her, send her to timeout, smack her hands…I've caught her trying to push the baby out of his swing twice, Alex caught her putting a blanket over the baby's face and she takes his little comfort toys out of his crib. She yells at him and tells him to "shut up" when he cries…I love my bubbles to death but she's been a little nightmare with Alex. "Bubbles, come here." I hold the bottle in Alex's mouth and rub the spot on the couch next to me. "Come here and see mommy." She drags her feet over to me and climbs up next to me on the couch. "Did you have a nice sleep?" I lean to the side and kiss her on her forehead. She nods her head and lays against my thigh since she can't lay in my arms. "You wanna help mommy feed little Alex?" She shakes her head. "No? Why not? Here, I'll show you. It can be your big girl chore." She sighs. "Sit up bubbies. Sit up." Lyla sits up and sits back against the couch. "Here, feed your baby brother….remember how daddy taught you how to hold him." I take the bottle out of the baby's mouth and hand him over to Lyla. "Hold him nicely…there you go." I adjust her arms behind Lyla's head. "Look at you…my big girl, holding my little boy." I try to sound enthused.

"Him's so little, mommy." She looks up at me like she's nervous. "Is him evuh gonna be big?"

"Yeah, he'll get bigger. You'll see." I show her how to hold the bottle in his mouth. "You gotta be nicer to him, Ly. He's your baby brother. He looks up to you and he loves you. So you gotta be nice." She looks down at him and holds the bottle in his mouth like a little natural. I can't believe she's not trying to rip him limb from limb right now. This is such a nice change. "Tell Alex you love him. Give him a kiss."

She pecks the top of his forehead and keeps looking down at him. Alex brings her juice back into the living room and pauses to watch the two of them interact for a second. "Daddy, look at me…I feedin' the baby." Lyla looks up at Alex and smiles. "Mommy say it's my big girl chore. I's a big girl." She kisses his forehead again. "Him's a little guy." Just then, Alex opens up his eyes and the first thing he does when he opens them is looks up at Lyla. "Mama hims awake. Hims awake."

"It's okay, he's allowed to be awake." Alex sits down on the couch next to the two of them and adjusts her hands against the bottle. "You're so big, Ly. You're a good big sister."

"…When's him leaving, daddy?" She looks up at Alex this time. "When him go away?"

"He's never going away…he's your brother."