Twenty-one:
Foundering

She couldn't stand to look at Fiona and Adam together, knowing that Danny was gone. The silly, gentle man who had come over and played games with the girls and had acted like an uncle to them was gone forever. Harry had tried to comfort her, but it wasn't at all comforting to know that there was nothing she could have done – nothing that anyone could have done for him.

Ruth looked out the window of the helicopter, her fingers tangled possessively with Harry's. He'd held her hand, but she'd felt the need to be greedy about it, threading her fingers with his and holding on for dear life.

It wasn't till they were in the car on the way home that she finally shook off her silence and managed to speak. "What are we going to tell Rose and Daisy?" Ruth asked very quietly. "They're going to be devastated. They love Danny."

Harry sighed. "I know," he said. "I don't know. What do you think we should say?"

"I've no idea," she admitted. "I had no idea what to say when Gareth died. I had no idea what to say when the parakeet died… the goldfish. God, Rose threw such a fit about that stupid fish, but she was only three – she didn't know what dead meant."

"That shouldn't be amusing," Harry said, "but somehow… it is."

"God forgive me, I know," Ruth sighed. "Harry, will you promise me something?"

"If it's within my power to give, yes," he murmured.

"If something happens to me, will you take care of them? Not just Daisy – Rose, too." Ruth paused, letting it sink in before she plunged ahead. "I mean, I can't very well ask my mother to take care of them for me. Not after everything she did – I don't think she knows how to take care of children, really."

"And I do?" Harry laughed sadly. "Yes, Ruth, of course I'll take care of them…"

"You always call them my girls," she said quietly. "You're their step-father."

"Yes, but they don't come to me when they're hurt or upset or if one or the other did something naughty," Harry pointed out. "They always run to you."

"Because you haven't offered yourself as a viable alternative," she shot back.

"I don't want to fight," he said. "Not when we have five minutes till we get home and then we have to tell them that Danny is dead. All right?"

"It's not fair," she said quietly as they turned onto their lane. "He was destined for bigger and better things, and now…"

"He chose this path, Ruth," Harry said. "We all did. We all have to live with the thought that someday, death will come for us in Converse trainers and wearing a smile. Or it will be merciful and quick, a bullet between the eyes. Zaf is worried about you."

"Zaf is an idealistic boy that thinks I'll smile at him," Ruth muttered. "He flirts with me, knowing full well you and I are together. I hate it."

"Danny used to do that," Harry reminded her.

"Zafar Younis isn't Danny Hunter," she huffed as he pulled into the drive and parked alongside her sedan. "And I don't want anyone to ever think they can replace Danny, because they can't. Not anymore than I could ever replace you if you were to die, Harry. It always hurts. Always."

There it was, laid bare between them. She had mourned him already; she couldn't do it again. It was a line in the sand, and she dared him to cross it.

He sighed and said, "Let's go inside and talk to Rose and Daisy. The sooner we get this out of the way, the sooner we can break out the biscuits and ice cream and eat our cares away."

Ruth just looked at him, not believing he'd just suggested that. "What?"

"It's what you and the girls do when you're upset," he said softly. "You think I don't notice, but I do. You get upset and the ice cream disappears. Rose gets upset and the biscuits disappear. Daisy gets upset and any chocolate in the cupboard vanishes into thin air. Who do you think makes sure it gets replaced for the next time?"

She watched him for a moment and whispered, "You're really a softie underneath all that bluster, aren't you?"

He sighed. "If you tell anyone I'm a softie for my girls, I'll have to kill you in your sleep. I can do it, too."

She leaned over and gave him a kiss. "I love you. I'm sorry I was… pissy. I'm just – I was spoiling for a fight because now it's just – god, Harry, why Danny?"

He didn't, wouldn't, couldn't answer her. He just helped her out of the car and inside.

Ginny and Rose were putting the finishing touches on dinner – it smelled like bangers and mash with mushy peas again. It was Daisy's favorite food at the moment, so it featured high on the list of things that were made – every other night. Daisy was sitting at the kitchen table, her feet swinging off the ground as she did her homework.

"It smells good," Harry commented as they came inside.

"Daddy! Mum!" Daisy cried as she looked up from her paper. "It's bangers and mash. Yum! I love how Ginny makes the gravy –"

"Hi, mum; hi, Harry," Rose said with a small smile. "Mum… some of my friends are going to the cinema this weekend – can I go?"

It seemed so normal, so blasé… Ruth tried to speak, but all that came out was a strangled noise that might once have been a sob.

"Mum?" Rose said quietly. "Mum, what happened?"

"Yes," Ruth said finally. "Yes, you can go see a movie this weekend with your friends."

"Mum, I don't care about that now – what happened? What's wrong?" Rose asked.

Ruth looked at Harry; she was still completely unsure of how to tell them what had happened. Fortunately, he was willing to be the 'bad guy' and step in. "There was an incident at work today," Harry said quietly. "Danny Hunter passed away."

Everything in the kitchen fell silent, aside from the last popping of the grease in the skillet as it cooled off. "I'm so sorry," Ginny spoke up. "He was a good guy."

Daisy just looked up at her mother, too upset to speak, silent tears rolling down her cheeks. Rose was stunned, the tears not coming yet, but her lips were parted in a silent cry.

"I'm so sorry," Harry said quietly, pulling Rose into his arms even as Daisy rushed into Ruth's. "I'm so very sorry, Rose."

"He almost beat me in Scrabble last week," Rose protested. "He was only five points down – he said he'd get me next time, but now there's not going to be a next time!"

"I'll play," he said softly. "I'm not as good as Danny and your mum, but… I'll play."

"It's not the same!" she said. "Dad was going to do all kinds of things with me and then he died – and Danny, too. And now they're gone and you and mum can't just take their place." She finally started to cry then, and Ruth felt guilty; she hadn't been very good at soothing the wounds of her children's grief. Hell, she hadn't been very good at dealing with her own problems. She had no idea what she was meant to do in situations like these, when she had to be emotionally invested.

Daisy just held onto her around the waist and cried into her ribcage. Somehow, this kind of grief was easier to deal with than Rose's emotionally sensitive scars. But it made her happy in an odd, twisted kind of a way, that Rose was accepting Harry's comforting embrace instead of fighting it.

Dinner was a quiet, restrained affair, then Daisy asked, "Can we have ice cream and biscuits, mummy and daddy?"

It was hard, but they would pull through it. With the aid of sugar and chocolate.

Ruth pulled Harry into his office and said, "You know Adam is sending me into the field?"

Harry looked at her for a moment, then said, "Yes, I am. You'll have an armed officer driving you. Your mission is to find out –"

"I know what my assignment is," she said sharply. "Get the information about Shining Dawn out of Professor Curtis, if he has any. But why me?"

"You're his intellectual equal, if not superior," Harry said, pinching the bridge of his nose as if he had a headache brewing. That was confirmed a minute later when he got his prescription for his tension headaches out of the drawer of his desk and took two pills without a beat. "I have no doubt of your skills of persuasion, Ruth. Play dumb and bowl him under."

She said, "Okay, well –"

He looked up at her with pleading eyes. "Please, Ruth, be the one person I can depend on today. Just go in there and be you. That's what we need."

Ruth nodded a little and said, "Now, more importantly – Juliet Shaw."

"I can't talk to you about her right now," Harry said. "Later. When this is over."

"Did you –"

"We had an affair," he said bluntly. "A long while ago. It won't be repeated. That's all you need know right now. You'd better get going – we're on a clock."

She nodded and leaned in to kiss him gently on the cheek. "Remember you have to take those pills every four hours – set the alarm on your phone," she said softly.

He glanced at her and said, "What would I do without you?"

"Let's pray you never have to find out," Ruth teased, retreating and heading for the door. She almost walked directly into Juliet Shaw, then shrank out of the way. "Sorry, excuse me."

Juliet appraised her coldly. "You're not what I pictured when I heard Harry had gotten married again," she said with a smug kind of a smirk.

"Good," Ruth replied. "I prefer people who underestimate me." She smiled, a forced smile, and went to get her handbag and what she would need for the trip to Oxford.

"So," Kevin Lewis said as they drove along, "you're the great Ruth Evershed."

She laughed. "Oh please; there's nothing great about me," Ruth scoffed. "I just do the job that's given to me."

"Your threat assessments are the stuff of legend," he teased.

Ruth rolled her eyes. "I have to dumb it down so the politicians understand what we're up against every day," she sighed. "If I were allowed to go more in depth, the higher ups would be scarred for life. If it passes Harry's approval, it goes up. If not, Zaf usually gets to rewrite it."

Kevin chuckled and said, "That sounds about right."

"How did you get this unlucky assignment?" she asked.

"Harry Pearce called in a favor to my section chief," Kevin said. "Since counter-terrorism is overwhelmed at the moment, he thought that we might have a little less business."

"Section C?" she inquired.

"Yeah, domestic bean counting," he replied cheerfully. "I'm actually glad to get out of the office. It's been a while."

"I looked you up before we left," she said simply. "How is your wife?"

He blushed a little and smiled. "Good – the baby will be here in a few weeks. She's terrified; I'm excited to hold my daughter for the first time."

"Oh, you're having a girl?" Ruth replied with a smile. "I have two girls – one is quite like me, bookish and quiet, and the other is quite like her father: all inquisitive and very forward because she hasn't learned how to control herself."

"I'm hoping she'll be like her mum," Kevin said. "If she's like I was as a child, we're all in trouble." He laughed.

It seemed a bit disrespectful to be making small talk in the car on their way to interrogate a pessimistic intellectual but what else could she do? Keep studying Curtis and his ideals? She already hated him on principle for sharing ideologies with the terrorists of Shining Dawn, this man who would just as soon cull the herd and hurt or kill someone who could have just as easily cured cancer as become a leech on the State and society.

She glanced over at Kevin and said, "It's going to be hard the first few months, with the not sleeping and everything. Work will be much more difficult because you'll feel like you're drowning all the time."

"It's okay – I've been running on 3-4 hours of sleep for most of my career," he said with a chuckle. "Something goes wrong at the stock exchanges anywhere in the world, I get called in."

She rolled her eyes. "Ah, yes… my late husband was that way, too," Ruth commented dryly.

"You're widowed, then?"

"No, I've remarried," Ruth said quickly. "It's okay. I'm still not entirely used to everything, either. It's one of those things. I was with Gareth for a long time; Harry less so."

"Harry? As in… Harry Pearce?"

It was Ruth's turn to blush. "Ah, yes," she said.

Kevin nodded. "He told me to keep you safe; seemed a little possessive of a boss."

"We try to keep it quiet at work," she said. "Because the fact that we have a relationship outside of Thames House is no one's business but our own. It doesn't interfere with our work. Most of the time."

Kevin smiled. "I'm glad Pearce found someone sensible to settle down with – I used to be Section D, back right after 9/11, when everything changed. He was like a madman then, always barking orders and taking everyone down a few pegs. He needed a calming influence."

She laughed. "I don't know how calming an influence I am," Ruth said.

"Very much so," Kevin said. "Just take the compliment, Mrs. Pearce."

She paused, then smiled; it was the first time anyone from MI-5 had called her that. It sounded right, and she mentally kicked herself for having been stubborn and insisting on keeping Evershed as her surname to keep confusion at bay in the office. She decided she should rectify that as soon as possible.

Much, much later – the next day, even – she finally got back to the office, looking decidedly worse for wear and feeling like she'd been through the wringer. It all came down to two things: Professor Curtis, the odious man, was safe, and not through any fault of her own, so was Ruth.

Of course, Harry only gave her a small glance and a nod of acknowledgement that she was back and had made it through everything unscathed. It was his way, though, and she knew that later, much later, when they were done with the reports and the debriefings and allowed to go home to rest, he would show his softer side, the one that was lurking around the edges, showing how distraught he was about what she'd been through. And he was. She could tell by the way his shoulders relaxed on the sight of her, by the way some of the tension lines around his mouth eased. She also knew he wouldn't let her out into the field alone for some time. And Ruth was perfectly all right with that.

They struggled through the next few hours, eventually saving the country from disaster yet again. Everyone finished their paperwork and headed off one by one, till Ruth and Adam alone were on the Grid. Harry was still at Whitehall with the Home Secretary. She wasn't leaving without him. And Adam wasn't leaving till he'd stopped shaking.

Ruth brought him another cup of tea and rubbed his shoulder. "You were very brave through all of this," she murmured. "A bit fool-hardy, but brave."

Adam looked up at her and said, "Harry didn't want me to send you out into the field. But I convinced him that it would be the only way to sway Curtis into coming to our side of things. You're the smartest member of the team, Ruth. Don't ever tell Malcolm or Colin that I said that."

She squeezed his shoulder and said, "I shan't, because it's not true." There was a smile on her lips. "Adam, you should go home. I'll call a taxi –"

"No, I need to speak to Harry when he gets back…"

"Whatever it is, Adam, it can wait till tomorrow. Or the next day, as I'm sure we'll all be sleeping till then. Except for Harry. He's up at five every morning on the dot. Drives me mad."

"I want to talk to Harry about keeping Zaf," Adam said.

Ruth smiled. "Already done; I don't think he'd part with him now," she said softly. "You go home and I'll speak with him. I've got a bit of persuasion left in these old bones."

"You should've gone home ages ago," Adam sighed.

"Not without Harry," she murmured. "Anyway, it's morning. Might as well keep going a bit longer."

"Does Harry know how lucky he is to have you?" Adam asked. "If I wasn't desperately in love with my wife, I'd scoop you up in a heartbeat."

Ruth smiled a little and said, "No you wouldn't – I'm a terribly boring homebody."

The pods hissed and Harry stepped through. "Adam, go home," he ordered. "Ruth, don't make me put you in a car and send you home."

"I'm not leaving without you," she said firmly.

He rubbed his temples and said, "I'm leaving as soon as I get more headache tablets. So get your things. We're going home."

Adam said, "About Zaf –"

"Make sure he gets the desk next to Ruth's," Harry said gruffly. "And push all the necessary paperwork through… tomorrow."

Ruth got her purse and waited patiently for him to go to his office and take more medicine. When he came back, he looked like he was starting to fade. She put her arm around his waist, offering him a steadying force, and walked with him through the pods and out to where Mike was waiting with the pool car.

"Home, please," Harry said gruffly once he was situated. "I've got the most awful headache."

"I know," she murmured, giving him a light kiss on the cheek. "We're going to go home and eat something, and then we're going straight to bed after that."

"Sounds like the best idea you've ever had," he said weakly.

They ended up having beans on toast and some fruit; Ginny was out for the morning, so it was quick enough. And then they tumbled into bed, still fully clothed, not caring, just desiring the comfort of each other and their bed.

When Ruth woke up, he was already up and changing clothes, muttering about ruining his suit and how much he was going to pay in dry cleaning. She yawned and mumbled, "Come back to bed, love."

He glanced over and said, "Go back to sleep, Ruth… the girls will be home soon."

She rubbed her eyes and said, "Then I should get up instead of going back to sleep –"

"I was going to take them to dinner tonight…"

"And not me? I'm hurt!"

"Father-daughter bonding thing," he said, looking over at her almost shyly. "I mean, I haven't… I haven't really made an effort, have I? To bond with them."

"You're doing just fine," Ruth promised. "Daisy adores you. Which is as it should be. And Rose… Rose is Rose. She's complicated. It's okay."

Harry said, "Juliet is going to be made National Security Coordinator, so we'll be seeing more of her."

Ruth frowned. "Oh," she said. "Can't we just shoot her and claim it was an accident?"

He gave her a dour frown. "I wish," he muttered. "Bloody woman propositioned me yesterday. As a way to ensure my support in her bid for the office, mind you. She's a callous bitch and I can't believe I was ever stupid enough to sleep with her." He set his scissors down with a thunk. He'd been trimming loose threads on his jacket, and clearly had stopped rather than snipping himself in carelessness.

Ruth got up and went to him, circling his waist with her arms, and laying her head on his shoulder. "We all make mistakes," she murmured. "They help shape who we are to become. She taught you to be far less careless with your affections, didn't she?"

He grunted. "Didn't stop me from fucking you, did it?"

"That's different and you know it," she murmured, kissing his neck and smiling. "You were lonely and tired. She was convenient. I was anything but."

He laughed bitterly. "Yes, that's sadly true," Harry sighed. "You've never been convenient."

She poked him in the side. "I love you, you rotten old man," she teased softly. "You've never been convenient, either. You've always been rather inconvenient. And I love you so much for it." She waited for him to turn toward her and she gave him a gentle kiss on the lips. "Take the girls out for supper," she murmured. "And then I'll be waiting when you come home. We can do… inconvenient… things… and we can talk more about how we're going to deal with that vile woman in our lives."

He sighed and said, "Can we not talk about her? I'd much prefer to make love to my beautiful wife and pretend for one moment that Juliet Shaw has crawled back under her rock."

Ruth squeezed him gently and murmured, "Yes, Harry, we can pretend she doesn't exist for one more night. Where are you taking the girls?"

He relaxed a little bit and said, "I thought we'd go to that new noodle bar that Daisy's been asking to go to for the last month…"

"Oh, good choice – I know you're not fond of Japanese, but they will both love that," she said. "I think I'll order in a curry for Ginny and me, then, and try to catch up on some reading."

He turned in her arms until he could wrap his arms around her and hold her close. "Juliet didn't mean anything to me," he whispered. "She was just sex and influence. You mean everything to me, and if I lose you because of her, I will never forgive myself."

"Why would you lose me?" Ruth asked. "I know you had a life and a past that came before me, and not all of it is pretty. You know the same about me. I wouldn't push you away because of that. Only if you feel free to repeat the past in the present would I walk away." She buried her face in his shoulder and inhaled deeply, breathing in the scent of his soap, his cologne, of him. It was comforting and she was still very tired.

"I love you for being so logical and understanding," he sighed softly. "Even if it's not well-deserved…"

She pulled back and gave him another kiss; this time, it burned with the firey passion she felt for him, despite her weariness. "You're mine," she said firmly when the kiss ended. "And if you forget that, I have ways of reminding you. Ways that will hurt far more than merely divorcing you."

He smiled and said, "Oh, I remember every time young Zafar makes cow eyes at you that you're mine."

"He's a boy," she murmured. "I require a mature gentleman to keep my bed warm. Nothing but the very best will do – aged like a fine single malt."

He gave her a kiss and they lost themselves in the sensations for a few minutes, just kissing, touching, loving one another. Until they heard Daisy thundering up the stairs. "Mummy, Daddy, you're home!" she cried, rushing into their room and giving them both a hug. "Can we go out for dinner and –"

"How about you and Rose and I go out tonight?" Harry asked. "Your mum wants to do some reading and we're far too noisy, aren't we?"

Daisy wrinkled her nose. "Mummy, don't you want to come to dinner?"

"You and Rose go with your – with Harry," Ruth said.

"Harry's our dad now, isn't he?" Daisy said.

"Yes," Harry said firmly. "I am. And we need to do things as dad and daughters, don't we?"

Daisy nodded. "Are you sure it's okay, mummy?"

"Go ahead," Ruth said with a small smile.

"Rose, Rose, we're going out for dinner with daddy tonight! We should wear nice dresses!" Daisy cried, running from the room as fast as she'd entered it.

"Ah, to be young and have that much energy again," Harry sighed.

"You know, one of these days, I'm going to have to tell her the truth: that you're her real dad," Ruth said quietly. "Fiona saw it straight away. She looks more like you every day."

"I'll tell her tonight," Harry said softly. "And explain to Rose that I consider her to be mine as well – so neither of them think I favor one over the other because of blood… They're your children and I love you, so it's just that simple. They're mine now, too – or will be as soon as I've signed the adoption ledgers."

"Wait, you got the paperwork back and didn't tell me?" she asked.

"All we have to do is sign it," he said. "I didn't want to do it without you."

"Oh, Harry, that's the most romantic thing you've ever done," she said, nearly in tears. "Bloody hell, you just keep finding new ways to make me go all gooey."

He gave her another kiss and smiled against her lips. "I love you, Ruth," he whispered. "And our girls."

The simple declaration was enough to make her cry.

END PART TWENTY-ONE