Chapter Twenty-One: After May Part Three
Marianne's return to Barton was greeted with mild enthusiasm by her Mother, Mrs. Jennings and Margaret. They received a letter from Elinor earlier the day about Marianne decision to leave Delaford and thus, they proceeded to tread lightly.
The days that followed since she set foot back to Barton cottage paved way for Marianne to find a new routine. The day after her arrival, she tried her best to play the pianoforte, but she could not make her fingers even touch the keys without remembering the instrument's benefactor. Days after, she tried reading her books, taking Edmund Spencer's Faerie Queen with her by the gardens. However, she could not focus on her reading without recalling the Colonel's voice reading out loud to her.
Thus, months passed without her touching the pianoforte in their living room or the books in her room. Her days were spent writing to Elinor and Edward about baby Edmund or to Beth and little Collin who, according to his mother's description, grew more and more each day. On certain times of the week, she would be tasked by her mother to help with Margaret's tutoring.
"I think it would be best if you are to teach Margaret to sow, Marianne, rather than to drill her with her French verbs." pronounced Ms. Dashwood one afternoon.
The ladies were seated in their dining room table. Mrs. Dashwood was busy listing all the items they will ask Betsy to buy in town. Hence, Marianne was tasked to ensure that Margaret master her French verbs by the end of the week.
"You know very well that French never suited me, mama." Retorted Marianne with frustration.
"Je suis d' accord!" fluently remarked Margaret while showing a smug smile. Thus, this prompted the rest of the inhabitants of the dining room to laugh out loud.
The month of May turned to the month of June. Though Marianne gave all outward appearance of being happy to be back to her mother and younger sister's presence, at times she is caught by Mrs. Dashwood to be feeling else wise.
Once, Mrs. Dashwood passed by Marianne's room and upon seeing the door ajar, she took a peek to check if everything was alright. What she saw was her daughter holding on to a pair of brown leather gardening gloves while crying silently. Marianne held on to it quite reverently and though she made no sound, her sobs made her whole being shake.
Invites to Barton Park were frequently dispatched and though Mrs. Jennings and Sir John provided good company, Marianne often was lost in her own thoughts.
"I daresay, Ms. Dashwood. You are quite silent tonight. Is anything wrong with the cook's feast?" commented Mrs. Jennings during dinner.
"Nothing is wrong, Mrs. Jennings. I am merely savoring the scrumptious fish your cook has prepared." Replied Marianne gracefully having been caught lost in thought once again.
"Oh my, child! I shall tell cook that you love tonight's fish and make sure we have it again in your next visit." Exclaimed Mrs. Jennings happily
However, Sir John – who was seated closer to Marianne – noticed that she did not even eat her cut of fish that night.
During another hot summer's day in Barton Cottage, Marianne voiced out her desire to read by the front garden to take in the sun. Though she brought a book with her, she could not dare continue as once she opened the pages, she was accosted with rose petals Elinor and her once tried to turn into potpourri while she stayed in the parsonage. It instantly reminded her of the day the Colonel left to fight for the Gurkhas and thus, she could not hold the tears that threatened to fall from her eyes.
"Marianne? I need you to take note of our supplies in the cupboard and make a list of what we need as I will help Margaret with her French." Interrupted Mrs. Dashwood from the cottage door.
"Coming, mama!" replied Marianne as she hastily wiped her tears away, making sure that her cheeks were dry as she passed by her mother.
Mrs. Dashwood, seeing her daughter once again silently distraught, stopped her daughter and finally said:
"Marianne, I have seen you hide yourself whilst you cry in anguish for the past few months now. I know heartbreak brings us all pain and yet, I wonder if yours will ever subside. Surely, your heart will one day mend and you may love again."
"I have no wish for my heart to mend or my pain gone, mama." Confessed Marianne as she faced her mother, a certain sense of serenity imbibing her
"What do you mean, dearest? Surely, you would like to forget everything by now?" stated Mrs. Dashwood, comparing her daughter's actions as to the time the young girls was besotted with Mr. Willoughby
"No, mama. That is the last thing I wish to do. I do not want to forget."
"Even if remembering only brings you pain?" questioned her mother, knowing very well that her daughter's romantic sensibilities almost cost the young girl's life. Since finding her daughter bedridden in the Palmer's home, she had vowed to add reason to her daughter's romantic sensibilities.
"Do not fear, mama. I will not put myself in harm's way as with Willoughby. I was very foolish then." Catching on to her mother's intentions.
"They say time heals all wounds. You do know that you are the only one remembering Colonel Brandon the way he was? The man himself does not remember you or your engagement. Surely, your heart will heal and you will love some other lucky fellow once again" reminded Mrs. Dashwood knowing full well from Sir John of the Colonel's memory loss.
"That is the dilemma then, is it not? I do not want to heal or forget because when I feel the pain, I am reminded of how he promised himself to me and I to him. I know he will never remember, but I do. I remember every moment, every touch and every word. I remember the man who saved me by carrying me five miles into the rain as I shivered in his arms. I can remember him befriending me, in this very lawn as we bantered about Spencer, Shakespeare and Cowper. Though it seems it is not to happen, I can remember talking to him about our future, spending the rest of our lives together and sharing his home and his name." Explained Marianne gently as she passed her mother and went straight to the cottage door. Before entering their home, she turned to her mother. Clutching the rose petals in her hand which now rested on her heart, she added:
"That is why it hurts, mama. It hurts because I remember and even if he does not, I will continue to remember." Declared Marianne gently. Slowly she turned around towards the kitchen to start with the list.