OMG! This chapter's pretty long O.O! So I hope you great readers have enough time to sit and read :D! First and foremost, THANK YOU to everyone who reviewed the last chap :D! And THANKS SO MUCH to those who wrote in words of encouragement :D! Most especially LL and everyone else (you know who you are ;) ). And sorry for the delay. Busy busy busy with so many things lately x.x! Oh…and for those who're looking for Anakin, I bet you'll like the latter part of this chapter ;)!
Chapter 21: As you turned around to leave
"That's actually what scares me. The thought of Padme Amidala's eyes dissecting my brain. Who knows what she'll find in there?" He said, chuckling, while he pointed at his head. He placed his hands inside his coat's pockets and leaned against the glass window. "Seriously, Padme…I still don't understand why you have to know."
She glared at him and poked him on the chest. "I have to know because…Well, there are just some things that one has to know, okay? Also, you stood me up. You did and you know it. You stood me up and I want to know why."
Palpatine rolled his eyes and sighed. "You - are relentless."
Padme smiled sarcastically. "As always." Then she poked him on the chest again, harder this time. "And that's why you have to tell me, because you know I'm never going to stop until I get my answer." She insisted.
He winced, and rubbed the part of his chest she had repeatedly poked. "You know what? That's - starting to hurt." He chuckled.
She took a step closer to him, narrowed her eyes, and smiled at him deviously. "Oh I'm going to do more than that if you don't tell me what I want to know."
Palpatine laughed. "Are you - threatening me?"
She arched a brow. "Maybe."
"So what?" He asked, smiling widely. "What are going to do? Call me in my office everyday just to ask me where I was that night twelve years ago? Send me holodroids every minute of everyday with a recording of you asking me the same question over and over and over again?" He laughed, ridiculing the thought. "I don't know about you, Padme…But if that's what you have in mind, then let me be the one to tell you that it would only be a waste of your time and resour---"
Before Palpatine could finish his sentence, Padme angrily glared at him and raised her voice. "Fine, then! Keep your secrets! Keep it as much of a secret as your first name!" She crossed her arms over her chest and snappily turned around so that her back was facing him. "You tell me I'm important to you. But you can't even disclose such a minor piece of information to me…Information that you owe me."
He softly laughed and placed a hand over her bare shoulder. "Padme…You're acting like a child. Now you're making it seem as if the basis of our friendship's now standing upon a minor piece of detail that has ebbed away with time."
She pursed her lips, thought to herself, and sighed. Palpatine was right. It was very childish of her to have acted that way. She probably seemed like one of those children who would cry and bawl and stomp their feet whenever they were deprived of what they wanted. After all, maybe Palpatine had a good reason why he couldn't tell her where he was. So for tonight, she would accept it as it was.
"Sorry about that..." She turned around and faced him. On her lips was a smile that only an embarrassed person would wear. "I guess now would be the best time to apologize for how I have been acting tonight, huh? You probably feel like you've been talking to some immature teenager. To think that a woman such as I, a woman of my upbringing - would learn how to act more – proper - in the presence of the Supreme Chancellor of the Galactic Republic." The smile on her face widened. "If Bail and Motha were here with us right now, they'd probably think I've lost my mind!"
Palpatine's eyes suddenly glimmered with intensity. "Then they don't know who you are." His face softened as he looked into her eyes, deeply, sincerely, and brought his hand up to her face. He softly brushed her cheek with his thumb, and smiled. "I think you're perfect just the way you are - right here, right now - tonight. I would never want to change a fiber of you. For me to do so would be unacceptable."
Padme smiled back, and her brown eyes locked with his blue ones. If there was one thing she could not deny, it was the fact that Palpatine always knew the right words to say – whenever they needed to be said. And at that moment, she definitely couldn't help but smile like a flattered young woman. The man was a genius when it came to words.
"Can I tell you something?" She asked, her voice soft and whispery. "This is going to sound really funny, and I'm not even sure if I should be saying this to you. But - I've never really felt like myself for the past few years – until tonight." She smiled, and paused to collect my thoughts. "It sounds unbelievable, doesn't it? Makes it appear like I've been living behind a mask for as long as I can remember." She exhaled and looked out the window. "Good thing moments like these exist…When I can take off the shackles and just be who I am." She directed her eyes to him again.
Palpatine laughed. "Padme, I don't think it's that unbelievable at all." He said, shaking his head from side to side. "In fact if it's going to make you feel any better, I believe I feel the same way. The only difference between your mask and mine…Is that sometimes, I can't seem to take mine off - no matter how hard I try."
Before Padme could say anything in return, he felt compelled to explain why. "You know my life, Padme. You know our lives. Our lives are chained to the work we were bred to have. And in my case, I've become the Supreme Chancellor of the Galactic Republic. The Supreme Chancellor of the Galactic Republic! When one is given such a title, one is compelled to one's duties. One is obligated to live the title. And when you have to spend most of your time with people who refer to you more by your title than your name, then you start to lose yourself. You start to lose your identity. The mask starts to wear you."
His voice softened. "You start to forget who you really are…and the next thing you know, you're living your title more than you're living your life. You start to forget what really matters. You start to forget the most basic of things. You can command thousands of armies to obey you. You can control the destinies of cities and planets and create laws and policies that can mold the lives of the millions of people living under your wing. You can do all that, but then…" He paused, and looked at her firmly… "…You start to forget what your favorite color is, or what kind of flower you like the most. Ironic, isn't it?" He silently snickered at the thought. "To tell you the truth, I'm quite surprised I still haven't turned into some soulless droid."
Then as he continued to look at her, he breathed in, exhaled, and smiled softly as he gently ran a finger down her cheek. "But you...You remind me of who I am, Padme. You never failed to do that. Whenever I'm with you, I'm always reminded that behind the mask – still exists a living man."
A deadening silence befell the two of them as she looked at him, silently, deeply, as if she didn't want him to stop speaking. She could still hear his voice echoing in her head like a song she could not forget, and she wasn't sure if she ever will. Palpatine had never been this personally open to her before. He had always been talkative, of course, and was blunt about everything he wanted to talk about. But he had never ever talked about his personal life. Never…Not even with the public or with her. But this time – this time he seemed more personal like he was finally finally trying to tell her something about the great mystery that was his life. If he could only say more, because what he had said only seemed to scratch the surface of something deeper.
The thin air of silence between them finally came to a halt, when a blinding glimmer of yellow light, followed by a distant sound of an explosion, suddenly flashed through the window, causing Palpatine and Padme to suddenly shield their eyes.
Padme laughed while she rubbed her eyes and batted her eyelids. "Okay…Whoever set off that firework directed it way too close to the mansion."
Palpatine, too, rubbed his eyes. Then he quickly shook his head from side to side, batted his lids a number of times and quickly looked around to check his eyesight. "I agree." He concurred. Once he was sure about his eyes, he looked out the window and saw more fireworks exploding in the distance. "I can't even believe they're still using that." He said, chuckling, as he turned his head to look at her. "That was called the 'exploding sun' by the way." He said matter-of-factly.
Padme furrowed her eyebrows. "The exploding sun?"
He nodded his head. "Yes…That firework that went off just a moment ago. That was called the exploding sun." He leaned closer to her, but kept his eyes on the window, watching the other fireworks go off in the distance. "You see, unlike other fireworks, when the exploding sun bursts, it doesn't contain its light in small particles. Instead it scatters the light, formless and unbound, making it seem like one huge exploding orb."
"Hence the name…" She said.
"Exploding sun." He continued.
She smiled, and narrowed her eyes as she looked at him. "Wow. I didn't know you knew so much about fireworks. You – just don't seem like the type."
Palpatine arched a brow and smirked. "What's the type then, hm? Can't a man such as I know about fireworks? Does it mean that since I live a monochrome and unromantic life, I have to stop myself from enjoying such things of - " He paused, and focused his eyes on her. "- wonder and beauty?" He grinned. "I'm disappointed, Padme. It seems as if you have stereotyped me into the typical 'dull and old' politician. You, of all people, should know that there's more to me than meets the eye."
"Palpatine! I didn't mean that!" She said, her eyes widening as she stated her point.
Palpatine pursed his lips, and arched a brow at her. "Or perhaps…You are right. Maybe I'm really not the type." He placed his hands behind his back and once again looked at the fireworks in the sky. "Maybe the only reason why I know so much about them - is that I know Marcus Crowe, the person who exclusively manufactures them for Coruscant." He looked at her and grinned.
Padme raised her brows, sighed, and rolled her eyes. Oh how she hated it whenever he played her with his words. Then she looked out window and gazed up at the sky with him. "Well unlike you, I've always liked fireworks." She said softly. "I may not know them as much as you do, but I like them nonetheless."
"May I ask why?" He inquired, keeping his eyes up at the sky.
Padme stepped closer to the window in front of her, and flattened her hand against its smooth surface. She kept her eyes up at the atmosphere and watched it as it erupted into an endless myriad of colors.
"Because fireworks live such short but radiant lives. Unlike us, they never waste a second of their existence. They know how to make the best of the short time that they are given. And if you look long enough, you'll notice that none of them are ever the same. They're like a fingerprint of their own." She pressed the tip of her index finger against the window, and traced the fireworks in the air. "It's technically impossible for one firework to explode in the same way as its predecessor, and its predecessor's predecessor. That's why when you miss one, you know you'll never ever see one like it again. They live. They die. But when they live, everyone gazes at them with awe. Everyone remembers them for their beauty and perfection. Therefore their deaths are justified."
As Padme spoke, Palpatine looked at her, watched her. "Don't you think it's sad? That they die even before they can bask in their glory? People look up at them in awe, correct. But they die even before they have the chance to look down and see the fruits they have reaped. Therefore, how do they know that in their brief moment of existence, they were able to make people happy, that they have done what they were born to do?"
She looked back at him and smiled. "They don't. They live the moment. They never hold back to see whether it was worth it or not. They just – live and give it all."
Palpatine smiled. "You sound as if you want to live the life of a firework." He replied. "To live every second and every day as if it were your last. A life where there's no sadness or pain…Only happiness and beauty and truth and love. You want to live a life where in the end, you can close your eyes and die knowing that deep inside, your life was well-lived and that you had no regrets…That everything you did was worth it all and every moment was time well-spent."
Padme nodded in agreement. "That is the life I want to live. But don't we all? How about you, Palpatine? Don't you wish to live such a life?"
Palpatine said nothing. He just stared at her silently, studying her question. He never answered her, but his mind cried a thought that spoke louder than any voice.
/ "I just want to be forgotten. Never to be remembered for the life that was never mine." /
The words echoed in his brain, as if his head was a hollow pit filled with nothing but thin air. His eyes were like that of an empty void as he looked at her…And when no clear answer came, he breathed in, placed his hands behind his back and looked out the window. The only sound that came from him - was the sound of him exhaling softly.
Padme looked at him, confused and wondering why he did not answer her back. He did not even mutter a word. Was it because of the question she had asked him? Or something she had said earlier? Had she offended or disheartened him in any way?
The next minute was filled with silence as Palpatine watched the sky and she watched him. He did not say a word or look at her direction. He did not even move a muscle. It was almost as if he was trapped in his own head, thinking about things he would dare not share with anyone else, not even with her. When Padme heard nothing from him, she realized it was a sign that their evening together has come to an end.
She glanced out the window and sighed, her fingers rubbing against her palms nervously. "I'll be going." She said abruptly. "Thank you, Chancellor, for your time." She looked at him from the corner of her eye. He still had not moved an inch. "It was a pleasure -speaking with you again, like in old times."
She wanted to reach out to him, place a comforting hand on his shoulder and try to draw him out of his deep thought. But she could not. For she knew that Palpatine was once again trapped within the walls of himself. Whatever she had just said to him had caused him to do so. And as to why, she knew she would never know. He was once again in a world of his own, where his secrets were his own, and where his personal life was no one else's business but his. It was moments like these that made Padme realize how much of Palpatine she still did not know about, despite telling herself otherwise.
Palpatine, still, did not reply. He was as silent and as motionless as a rock while he watched the fireworks erupt in the darkened atmosphere.
Padme forced a smile upon her lips as a final gesture to him. Still, no reply. And so she turned around and was about to walk away, when he finally spoke.
"Padme." He suddenly said, turning towards her.
She immediately turned around at the sound of his voice. "Yes?" She asked. She felt as if the word had jumped out of her lung and got stuck in her throat.
The supreme chancellor's face was blank as he looked at her. His lips neither wore a hint of a smile or a frown. "I was in Serenno – meeting a business partner." He spoke as if he were stating a fact that he read in a book.
She furrowed her eyebrows. "What?" She asked. What was he talking about?
"That night…Twelve years ago. I flew to Serenno to meet a business partner. That was where I was that night. That was why I couldn't be with you. It was important. I – I couldn't get out of it. I had to be there or…or…" He paused to collect his thoughts, but found no way to explain it. "I just had no choice, Padme." He replied. That was the only way he could sum it up. If she only knew how true his words were. If he could only tell her everything. But alas, that was not an option. It never was.
Palpatine looked at her, waiting to see how she would react now that she knew what happened. Would she thank him and jump for joy for finally telling her? Or would she be angry at him for breaking his promise to her over some lousy business meeting?
But Padme, she did none of those things. For the next thirty seconds or so, she just stood there, looking like a blank piece of paper as she stared at the man who had just spoken. She stared at him and looked at him like she was studying him with her eyes.
And suddenly, as if she had finally come into a conclusion, she forced a subtle smile upon her face and said - "Thank you."
Much to Palpatine's surprise, Padme's voice had turned cold and emotionless. "Now if you'll excuse me, Chancellor," She continued. "I have to attend to Bail and Mothma now. They may already be looking for me." Even her face denied to express any kind of emotion. Though there was no anger in her eyes, there was also no joy, or sadness, or pain, or concern. Padme just didn't seem to care anymore.
Palpatine ceased to draw breath at her unexpected reply. "That's it? That's all you have to say?" He asked, shocked and surprised at her reaction. "You've been asking for that answer for the past hour and that's all you have to say to me? Just – thank you, and then leave? You're just going to leave me with nothing?"
Padme smiled, a subtle yet cynical smile. "I don't know why, dear friend…But when you finally told me what I wanted to hear, I just - realize that it wasn't that important to me anymore." She looked at him for the last time, and turned to walk away.
"What do you mean? What are you saying?" He asked, furrowing his brows and demanding an answer. Before Padme could go any farther, he stepped towards her and gently grabbed her wrist, causing her to stop in her tracks. "Padme, wait!"
She turned around and faced him, her eyes piercing his. "I'm sorry, Chancellor. But as far as I'm concerned, our discussion for tonight is over." The expression on her face was firm and unforgiving. The joyful glow that once inhibited her was gone.
Palpatine looked confused. "Have I done anything wrong? I've finally told you what you wanted to hear, and now you're acting like I've defiled you!"
Her eyes widened. "Because you have. You've wronged me, Palpatine, for keeping it from me for as long as you had." She breathed in and looked him in the eyes. "Twelve years. You kept it from me for twelve long years. That means something, Palpatine. I…I just can't believe it took me this long to realize what it meant."
Palpatine still couldn't understand why she was acting this way. "Realize what? What does what mean? Look, I didn't keep it from you, Padme. I just - I just didn't think it was that important. If the reason why you're angry at me is because of that broken promise, then ---"
Padme looked like she was on the verge of breaking down. "It's not the broken promise, Palpatine. And it's not the reason behind it either." Her voice softened as she looked at him. "It's the fact you never really considered me as a friend. You never did. You never really let me in there." She looked hurt as she placed her hand over his left chest.
He still couldn't understand. What was she saying now? Of course she was her friend. For all he knew, she was more than a friend to him. Why was she saying all this?
"I don't understand." His voice was shaky and unnerved. For once in his life, he admitted that his brilliant mind could not understand. He placed his hands on her shoulders and prompted her to look into his eyes. "Look at me, Padme. I don't understand. Tell me why you're acting this way because I don't understand." The greatest mind the Sith had ever known, and he could not understand her.
Padme clenched her jaw and pressed her lips in a tight line as she looked at him straight in the eyes. She was not going to falter this time. Whatever she was going to say, she wanted her words to dig into his brain and drill into his heart. She wanted him to walk away tonight, with the memories of the words she was about to say tonight.
"You've always been a secretive man, Palpatine…One of the greatest unsolved mysteries of the Galactic Republic." Her voice was calm and collected, but firm and steadfast. "You preferred to keep most of your life a puzzle and no one questioned that because you were a good man who did his job well. I respected that side of you. I respected the fact you were not one to talk about yourself. And believe it or not, that was actually the reason why I thought we had a connection, you and I. Because out of all the people in the galaxy, I seemed to be the only person who could draw you out of your shell. I thought I was the only one who could connect with the soul behind the puzzle. And for the longest time, I actually believed that. I actually thought I've broken through the wall that the great Palpatine had built around himself. I actually thought I've earned your trust. And that – that made me feel special. Because whenever I was with you, I always felt like I wasn't just like everyone else."
Padme smiled sadly and took a moment to study his face. "But I guess I was wrong. Maybe I've been wrong all along. When it took you so long to tell me where you were that night, and when you refused to open up to me before that, it made me realize that – that I've never really truly known you after all."
Palpatine frowned and shook his head from side to side. "No." He whispered. "Padme, don't say that. You know me. You know me more than ---"
But she did not give him a moment to explain. "Please, don't. Just, don't. I've had enough of your words." She tried to push him away, but felt his hold on her arms tighten, leaving her no choice but to stand where she was now.
"For more than a decade you actually had me believing that I was a real friend. That I was someone you trusted. That I was someone you could confide in and share your life with." She could hear her voice aching. "But all of that was just a game to you, wasn't it? I need to know, Palpatine. I've had enough of our charade. I need the truth. Was I just a political tool to you, an instrument to your success? Was I just someone you turned to to pass the time, to fuel your hunger for a meaningful conversation because I seemed to be the only person who could excite your brilliant mind? Other than that, did you ever look at me as a friend? Was I ever a real friend to you, Palpatine? Or was I just a challenge that you had to conquer everyday?"
His hands slid down to her upper arms and he held her there firmly. "Padme, please. Stop this." He pleaded. "Stop it. Why are you saying this?"
Padme gasped as she tried to hold back her tears. "Because whenever I get close to uncovering who you are, you always pull away like you're scared of telling me something. What are you scared of revealing, Palpatine?" She looked deeply into his eyes, hoping to find something there…a hint…a clue…anything.
He swallowed, and looked at her. He kept his hands on her upper arms as he stared at her. Then he slowly pulled away and stepped back. His face wore an expression of sorrow and defeat. "I'm sorry, Padme. I can't." He spoke softly.
He glanced away, unable to bear the sadness in her dark brown eyes. He had betrayed her in the name of his destiny. He let it all come crashing down. Padme was right after all. To him, she was just like everyone else. He had never been brave enough to let her in his life. And for that, she did not deserve him or his love. Whatever friendship they had had been reduced to a lie. Perhaps it truly was supposed to end this way between them. After all, he was not supposed to fall in love with her in the first place.
Padme breathed in and tilted her head up. "Then nothing more needs to be said. I've said my part and you've said yours. Goodbye, Supreme Chancellor." She said, using every ounce of herself to fight the sadness within her. She did not want Palpatine to see her shedding tears for him. He did not deserve such a sight.
Palpatine said nothing at once. He just hopelessly nodded his head and finally spoke. "Goodbye, Padme." And those were his final words to her.
Rain started to fall.
The sound of its droplets hitting solid ground filled the silence that lingered between them as they looked at one another. They were like two chess pieces, a king and a queen, waiting for destiny to move them on to the next square. Perhaps they were waiting for the other to say something more. Nevertheless, their only witness was the drops of rain that clung and trickled on the outer side of the huge glass window beside them. No one would ever know of what truly happened that night or the words that were exchanged. It was going to be their secret, their final promise to one another.
The sound of rain was suddenly overpowered by a booming voice that echoed from the other side of the curtain.
"Attention, everyone!" Bellowed the voice that was amplified by a microphone.
The voice belonged to the host, Sentius Sah'c, who was now standing proud and majestic on the extravagantly decorated stage. A dozen or so cameras hovered around him, recording his actions and taking his pictures.
"First of all, I would like to thank everyone for attending another successful celebration." The crowd before him erupted in a round of applause and some of the men raised their wine glasses in his honor. Sah'c offered them a graciously exaggerated bow.
"But most of all, I would like to offer my personal thanks to my good friend, Supreme Chancellor Palpatine, for taking time off his incredibly busy schedule to be with us here today." A huge smile was plastered across his round face as he looked at the crowd, searching for the Chancellor. "Supreme Chancellor Palpatine? Are you there? I would incredibly appreciate it if you can join me up here." He said joyously.
On the outer side of the curtain, Padme nudged her head towards the crowd. "Go. Your 'good friend' is requesting for the Chancellor's presence. And your beloved public awaits you." She found it difficult to look into his eyes, probably because she knew that if she stared at them long enough, he'd find his way back into her heart.
He did not go at once. He stepped towards Padme until he found himself standing right in front of her with barely an inch of space between them. He slowly brought his right hand up to her face, and delicately traced a line from the top of her cheek right down to her chin. He gently tilted her chin up so that she was facing him. Much to his surprise, she did not shy away, nor pull away from him. And when he found her staring into his eyes, he leaned down and softly kissed her on the corner of her lips. The kiss lasted for a second, but when he pulled his lips away, he kept his face close to hers, closer than they've ever been that night, that she could feel his warm breath against her cheek.
"You were the only real thing in my life." He whispered to her.
They exchanged looks for the last time, and then he stepped aside, walked pass her, and out of the curtain into the public that welcomed him with open arms.
Padme found herself standing there, still and motionless after what just happened…after the kiss, after what he had just said to her. It was far too much to take in all at the same time. She didn't know whether she was going to cry or laugh or simply try to understand it. But what was there to understand? It was intense. For a second there, he made her mind swirl in a way she did not expect. Yes…It truly was something she did not expect, especially from Palpatine himself.
She could hear him starting his speech, but that was the least of her concerns now. She breathed in, closed her eyes, and massaged the bridge of her nose. She swallowed hard, and leaned with her back on the glass window beside her.
/ "What did he mean?" / She thought to herself. How could she be the only real thing in his life? It wasn't making any sense…and the kiss.
She immediately shook off the feeling of it. Instead, she thought of the events that occurred that night. She played them in her head, over and over and over again…trying to solve the puzzle…trying to find a clue…but none of them gave her the clear-cut answers she needed. What a night it was indeed, for so many things to happen all at the same time…to have gotten more than she had bargained for…So much more.
She exhaled and let her shoulders slump down in defeat. She leaned her head back against the glass and kept her eyes closed. Perhaps tonight was just a dream and she would wake up soon. Maybe the war was just a nightmare and she would soon find herself back in their hideaway paradise in Naboo, wrapped in the arms of the man she loved more than life itself, Anakin Skywalker.
Then, there was a tap in the window.
Padme almost jumped up in surprise. The last thing she expected was someone or something tapping on the window behind her. She quickly turned around to see who or what it was, and what she saw almost made her heart explode.
On the outer side of the window stood a man…who appeared to be a tall human male. He was wearing a hooded brown robe which was now soaking wet in the rain. Padme could barely see his face through the shadows of his hood, but looking at his nose, his lips, and his chin, she knew who it was in a heart beat.