Chapter 21
It seemed to Caroline as if October was the first month in a long time in which nothing of significance happened to the family.
The children had settled back into school and Shawn back into work. And as much as they were looking forward to the next summer break which they had, it did seem to them as if that summer was already very little but a distant memory. Instead, the kids were looking forward to Halloween and scary stories and Christmas and time with their family and presents.
As normal, their parents were not going to be able to exactly spoil the children when the time came but in every other year Christmas had always been a joyous occasion in their home and Caroline was sure she was going to be able to make it so again.
As for Shawn, he seemed better now he was back at work to her. It was as if doing what he always did had allowed the life to seep back into him even more and nothing was going to stop him.
Once more it drove away from the memories of summer and in this case, she was not sure she had any argument with that…
No argument at all. But what she did have an argument with was how cold it got so quickly in November. She had not enjoyed the heat of the summer but nor did she want it to be freezing cold.
She longed not for the company which she had in Greece but the weather.
The cold she could cope with – it was the rain which got her down.
But then she felt as if she was forever warm with her furnace of a baby in her.
Whereas at first, she had not wanted to think or to talk about the baby that much she now found that was not an option.
She had to make ready for the baby and she had to do so fast.
She went through all the old routines which she had built up over the last years since she had first had Roman.
By the time that she was a year old Kayla was moved out of her parent's room and down the hall into the big bedroom with her siblings. Caroline and Shawn discussed putting the crib down for a while before they both decided there was not a lot of point to that as they were going to be getting it out once more for the new little one so soon.
And then she got knitting. There was always less and less to make fresh every time she had a baby but she did like to make sure the children got some things of their own. So much of what her babies got seemed to be hand me downs, so for the first few days of there lives she was sure to make them something to wear which was going to be there very own. And for the first time since she had got pregnant she found she was able to enjoy the baby and look forward to its coming – some days she forgot her suspicions altogether.
She felt the guilt hit her anew when her mother was there for while she knew she was trying not to blame her too much or some days at all, there was still a look in her eye more than once when she looked at her belly and Caroline knew it was silly…. but she felt as if there was a certain amount of suspicion which her mother looked at the new baby with.
That was not the case with Shawn's mother who was as thrilled as she had always been and would always be when she was told she was going to have a new grandchild brought in to the world. Yet even that in its own way felt as if it was hell for Caroline for it made her face up to the fact that at the end of the day it was not just Shawn who she was going to be lying to for the whole of this babies life but so many other people beside and the baby itself.
She did not want to do that but she knew at the same time she could not place more value on this baby than itself siblings.
It had to be equal. And the baby was going to be home with a family who loved it – that was the most important thing.
And so she looked at the crib, and knitted and brought fresh nappies and begun to look forward to this baby of hers.
Nothing was going to stop it coming and she found even now if she could stop it from coming she would not. The baby was real to her and she could feel it moving and there was her bottom line. Nowhere else.
X x x
November
When young Molly had got into the market that day she had been full of a cold.
It was the time of year and Caroline had to say she was dreading when it was going to be her turn. Kimmie and Kayla had both come down with a bug and she was not sure which one of them it was going to be but she was sure it was not going to be too long until she or Roman were the next victims.
"I am not having your serve our customers when you are in that state, you are going to scare them all away with that bright red nose of yours," Caroline said to her sister in law.
Part of her felt guilty for sending her young sister in law away when she had made sure an effort to get in.
"I can't do that Caroline – that is going to leave you on your own and that isn't good in your condition right now."
"What would be even worse for me in my condition would be to get sick myself now get you gone Molly Brady – I don't want to see you here."
And she did not want them to be shut down.
And when she got going, she found she enjoyed her night behind the counter. She had not been there for a while now and she felt as if she was catching up with all the old faces she did not know she had begun to miss.
All the men on their way home from work and the mums out now they had put the kids to bed, with the in-laws watching them. If she had ever felt as if she was Mrs. Brady she felt it now.
She worked for most of the night and loved it, and only shut up when Shawn returned.
He did not look as pleased as she had been.
"My love, if I had known it was you and not Molly who was shutting up for the night I would not have been so long," said Shawn as he came into the market and was clearly alarmed to see she was still up and on her feet.
When she was not with child he would not think of it at all she mused to herself but she was very with child.
Still, it had felt good to her that night to do something which was so entirely normal to her. The kids had got their normalcy back when they had gone back to school and Shawn had got his normality back when he had gone back to work.
She had wanted just a little bit of that for herself.
"Your sister is only young - we can't expect her to do every night," said Caroline as Shawn came over to her and kissed her cheek.
"I think I can when you are in the condition you are in."
"It is nothing," Caroline said with a smile. She had had to work when she had been carrying Roman.
But then she had been a bit younger when she had been carrying him and she could not say she was not looking forward to a sit down now.
She knew it was no good to argue with him right then but gave him a kiss when he puckered his lips for one.
"I think it is time for mothers to be to go upstairs none the less."
"Well I am not going to argue with you there," she said and he felt his heart lighten.
"At least that is one row we are not going to have to have." He said making her giggle as they headed toward the stairs.
And as she turned she felt something change within her. She did not want to admit it and if she had been able to keep it a secret.
But she did not think she was able to disguise the sound of water hitting the floor from Shawn's ears.
For a moment neither of them moved for she did not wish to. She wanted time to stand still and to keep this baby inside of her and where it was safe.
After all, if it was inside of her she did not ever have to worry about who it looked like the most.
It did not matter.
"is that what I think it was?" Shawn asked as he looked at his wife's panic-stricken face.
On instinct, he cupped her cheeks to try and calm her somewhat.
It was ok – it was all going to be ok, he thought and he knew that as he was going to be the one who made it so for her.
"I do not think I am ready for this –" she sighed as she bit her lip.
Somehow she was going to have to be though he thought to himself. Damn, he wished she had spent the night with her feet up but it was too late for all that now.
Berating her or himself was not going to change the situation they found themselves in.
"It is going to come now and there is nothing the two of us can do to stop it."
What they had to do was deal with it…
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