So this chapter has been in my head for a long, LONG time, but for some reason when it came to actually writing it I kind of struggled. Sorry for the delay.
SM had a movie made about her story, I just own every copy (so far)
The next month passes relatively quick because I immerse myself completely into work. I wake before the sun rises and do not go to sleep until long after the sun is set. I burn the candles at both ends, as some people would say, finding anything in the world to distract me. I do not allow myself a second to think, because the pain is too much.
I do not go near Bella's closet the memories calling out to me, but I ignore them successfully. I do, however, continue to stay in our room. I find the courage not to sink my face into her pillow at night in search of her scent, even though I know Rose has cleaned the sheets. Regardless her side of the bed remains untouched, almost as though it's awaiting her return.
I run every morning before work and every night when I get home. Some days I only go around the block, just enough to get my heart racing. Other days I run until my legs are on fire and my lungs scream for oxygen. Everyday the anger inside of me festers, and I don't know where to put it.
Dinner at Rose and Emmett's becomes a regular occurrence once a week. Jasper and Alice join us on occasion, sometimes my parents do but regardless I am there. It is an unspoken thing. Rose doesn't even invite me anymore, but there is always a spot set for me at the table.
By the time the second month hits things feel better and worse at the same time. I am finally caught up on work and cannot hide in it anymore. There are mornings I wake up hugging Bella's pillow tightly to my chest, and the pain comes crashing down on me again. I don't want to miss her. I don't want to wake up with tears running down my face. I feel like a lost cause.
I found a boxing class and added it to my daily workout. I channel my anger into the punching bag. Sometimes I see Jacobs face, there are days I even see Bella's, but most days it is my own face. I pummel myself for being such an idiot. For falling in love. For getting hurt. For letting Bella go. It is a great release, but leaves me feeling raw and open when I am done.
Rose is very motherly towards me, and I am oddly accepting of it. We still always have dinner, and she makes sure to pack me leftovers to take for a couple of days at work. She no longer does my laundry or helps me clean. Rose never fails to chastise me for my poor work when she comes over, but I can see the satisfaction in her eyes as she tidies up.
Emmett keeps me preoccupied often, making me watch sports with him and taking me out with his friends. He is very light and fun to be around. Something I had forgotten about my brother after having lived with Bella for so long. I find myself laughing most of the time that I am around him, even if it's just at how silly he is.
Alice doesn't come around much anymore. Even though she had told me not to forgive Bella, it's almost as though she doesn't agree with me pushing her away either. When she does come around her smile is always sad and she never says much. It is something I am not used to and it confuses me.
Jasper is quiet like usual, but he is good to talk to. Great for deep conversations that Emmett may not fully be able to appreciate. Jasper comes to a few boxing classes with me, and when he knocks over the punching bag the first time I wonder who's face he is seeing.
The third month is the first time in a long time that I actually feel hopeful. The world is a place of unknown, yet I am scared and enthralled by it. I can imagine moving on, without Bella, and this makes me feel both sad and excited.
I go out, without anyone prodding me, or really knowing what I am doing. I mingle among strangers and am surprised when women try to talk to me. It amazes me how easily it is to smile with them. I am shocked at how nice the companionship feels after so long of relying on Bella to fill that part of me.
It is during these times that I realize just how distant we had truly been. I feel more connected with some of these strangers than I had with Bella in a long time. For that I feel remorse, because I know it was just as much my fault as it was hers. Maybe we had both given up towards the end.
Somehow I gather up the courage to get a few of these women's numbers and we talk a few times on the phone. I go on a couple of dates; holding out chairs and discovering the interests of someone new. None of them captivate me. For the first time in a long time I am okay being alone.
The sting of losing Bella is nearly non existent now. I do not tell Bella what I am going to do. She has been trying to contact me since the last time I saw her. At first it was too hard to talk to her. I didn't know what to say. I deleted any voicemail she left without listening to them. Now I just have nothing left to say to her.
It is at the end of the third month that I file the divorce papers.
Some of you have told me you don't want to read if Edward and Bella aren't going to be together, others of you have said you want Edward and Bella to stay apart. Is everyone still feeling the same now that the papers have been filed?