It had been six days since I left Derek.

Six days, and except for that one favor to Richard, I hadn't left the hotel.

I had twenty-one voicemails on my phone, none of which I had returned.

"Addison, it's me. Please call me back." Click.

"Dr. Montgomery-Shep… Dr. Montgomery, it's Izzie Stevens. I'm not back at the hospital or anything, but I heard… I just wanted to see how you were doing… call me if you need anything." Click.

"Addie, I'm so sorry. I love you. You have to know that. I messed up. People mess up. Remember you said that to me once? Just call me." Click.

"Addison, it's Richard. I've been waiting to hear from you. I know you're going through a… rough patch but I need my head of neonatal back to work. Call me." Click.

"It's me again. I just want you to understand that what happened made me realize how badly I need to be with you, and only you. I'm sorry it took me so long to figure it out… I guess I'll talk to you later." Click.

"It's Miranda. Hope you're doing all right. Let me know if you need me to kick that nasty husband of yours again." Click.

"Addison, seriously. You could at least tell me where the hell you're staying. Please call me." Click.

"Addie, it's me. Mark. Derek told me what was going on… he must be pretty damn worried about you if he called me, of all people. I can't believe what happened. I'm going to kill him. I'm going to hire a hit man and fly him out there to kill him. Seriously. No, okay, fine, I won't. I know it would upset you, even if he deserves it. But I'm going to try to come out next week if I can wrap up a few cases here. Hope you're okay." Click.

"Come on, please, honey. I'm worried. Just let me know that you're alright. I don't know what to do, Addison. I love you." Click.

You get the idea.

I was sipping brandy while going through the day's messages and deleting them when there was a knock on the hotel room door.

I yelled from the couch instead of getting up. "Who is it?" I hadn't ordered room service.

"Me. Let me in," Derek said pleadingly.

I almost laughed. "Figured out where I was, finally?"

"Addison, open the door."

"Leave me alone."

"I swear, Addison, I'm going to break this door down if you don't let me in."

I sighed and stood up – too quickly – and had to put my hand on the wall to steady myself. Shit. I hadn't been keeping track of how much I'd been drinking, and I didn't really care.

I opened the door a crack and found myself staring straight into Derek's blue eyes. "What do you want?" I asked thickly.

"To see if you're okay, for Christ's sake. I thought you died or something."

"You think this is funny?"

He shook his head. "Of course not. I – "

"What part of leave me alone don't you understand?"

"I don't care." He firmly pushed the door open, and the movement shoved me backwards so hard that I fell back against a chair.

"Jesus, are you okay?" he asked, grabbing my hand to pull me up.

I jerked my hand away. "I'm fine." I rose unsteadily to my feet.

"You're drunk."

"So what?" I shot back. "Are you here to lecture me?"

"No." He looked pained. "I'm here to beg you."

"What?"

"To listen to me."

"Are you going to tell me that you didn't actually have sex with Meredith Grey?" I asked acidly.

"No…"

"Then I don't want to hear it." I waved him off and crossed the room to pour myself another brandy.

"Addison, stop drinking, for god's sake."

I looked up to glare at him. "Why? I thought you liked your women being alcoholics."

"Stop it! Would you just listen to me?"

"Why? What can you possibly say to make this better, Derek? Tell me, because I'm just DYING to make this EASIER FOR YOU!" I yelled.

"I fucked up," he said, his voice rising. "I know that. I don't know what the hell it is with her, but there's just this connection but it's not what I want, Addison, I don't want to be with her."

"You are a FUCKING MESS, Derek," I hissed. "Every word that comes out of your mouth is wrong. You love me, you love her. You want her but you need to stay with me. You want me but you need to be with her. What the hell is it? WHAT THE HELL?" I could feel myself hyperventilating again. Oh god.

"I don't know!" he cried out, clenching his fists at his sides and looking furious at – at himself? "I don't know, Addie, and I can't figure out anything without you."

He looked so helpless, so unlike his confident self, that I didn't know what to do. We stood and stared at each other.

"So what is it?" I asked finally. "You just wanted to fuck her? Or do you… still love her?" I spat out the word. Before he answered, I added, "And be honest with me, for once in your goddamn life."

"I don't know," he repeated slowly, for the millionth time. "I wish I knew. I know that I don't love her the way I love you."

"That's not good enough," I said softly.

"I tried to do the right thing by staying, Addison. I wanted to be a good husband for you."

"No," I said. "You wanted to be a good husband for Meredith. You wanted her to keep thinking you were McDreamy and perfect, so you had to pretend to try."

He looked shocked as the words sank in.

He knew I was right.

He was just surprised that I figured it out before he did.