Hey guys! We made it to chapter 20...woahh! For me, like chapter 10, the chapter 20 mark is a bit of a milestone aha (though technically this is number 21, thank you Prologue) Thank you so much for all your support in your reviews and faves/follows - I'm really enjoying writing this so the fact that you are enjoying it too is really encouraging, and just makes me really happy!

Also I'm pretty sure that there wasn't an email sent out about the last chapter, or at least I didn't get one like I usually do (I'm not sure why that happens aha it just does...) So if the last thing you read was just after Gray and Natsu had returned from Gray's mind than read chapter 'Nineteen - Lexer' first :)

Anywho, I'll stop babbling now and let you read what you really came here for :P

Enjoy! :)

Twenty
Innate Magic

"You can lift your head up to the sky, take a deeper breath and give it time. You can walk the path among the lines with your shattered frame of mind."
- Frame of Mind, Tristam & Braken

It seemed to Lucy that Gray and Natsu had an unspoken pact between them not to speak of what they had seen in Gray's memories, or even what they had talked about afterward. They shared only the necessary points with the guild which made Lucy worry. It was no lie that Gray had been tortured, and horrifically at that, the state her friend was in was evidence enough, but there lay the problem. Now Natsu knew just how much Gray had endured for him, and with that came a whole new set of problems.

Even after he and Natsu had finished their conversation Gray had stayed up in the infirmary on the claim of wanting to rest. Though Gray didn't like to admit it, he was still very weak. The one and only cure for that was first to rest, and then to try and build back that strength slowly so to not overwork himself. This was easier said than done. Though she knew what Gray had told them was right, Lucy knew her friend well enough to see that Gray was also avoiding the onslaught of questions he knew the guild would have.

Gallantly, Natsu had taken the front on that. He had answered their questions simply and honestly before moving onto the next one.

"Did they use Kakusareta Omoide?"

"They did but Gray hijacked the spell and managed to cut me out of his mind before they could find out the truth about me from him."

"So that's why he can't remember you?"

"Yes, that's right."

"How did he do it? How'd he hijack the spell?"

"Honestly, I'm not sure."

"Do you know who it was?"

"No. Gray didn't recognise them so I couldn't either."

"What happened to you in there? What did you see?"

That last one he had refused to answer.

Now, Natsu hadn't moved so much as an inch for the rest of that day. He sat slumped at a table in the guild hall, all bravado gone. Though he knew it was for the best, the choice to not bring back Gray's memories had seemingly taken something from him. Even Happy couldn't seem to boost Natsu's mood. The Exceed had now taken to just sitting next to Natsu at the bench, he didn't speak at all, but just sat there with him. People moved around him carefully, as if the slightest noise or movement too close would set him off.

In truth, Natsu didn't really want to think about it at all. He wished none of this had happened in the first place. Stupidly, he thought of Gray. Gray didn't have the memories he did, it would be so much easier for him to move on. So much easier to just leave those memories be. He thumped his forehead on the table before leaving it to rest there.

I just want you to look at me the way you used to.

The thought floated to the forefront of his mind without Natsu wanting it to. It brought up a question, and it wasn't the first time it had come up. How had Gray looked at me? What was it that had made him not knowing me such a noticeable change? We were friends, are friends, were– but that doesn't mean I should feel like this. Another thud, and another. He didn't stop until he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"Natsu." Lucy's voice reached him through his confused thoughts. "Stop it! Please."

Natsu did. Whether it was because of the dull ache which now radiated from his forehead, or for Lucy, he wasn't sure.

Lucy edged onto the bench next to him. "I can't begin to understand what you are going through, Natsu. But I do know that whatever you are thinking right now won't help."

Natsu didn't reply. He didn't sit up either. Lucy sat with him, leaving her arm around him. At that point there wasn't much more she could do. She hadn't expected Gray and Natsu to decide to not bring back Gray's memories. The 'everything will be alright in the end because we're Fairy Tail and that's how it works' attitude was something which Lucy had become used to, and even taken for granted. So seeing the total opposite in Natsu was something she wasn't quite sure how to deal with.

Something she didn't expect though was to see Gray at the top of the stairs which led down from the infirmary. Not only because of his claim of needing rest, she hadn't thought Gray would appear until the rest of the guild, and maybe even Natsu had left. The determination in her friend's eyes said otherwise. Like the rest of the guild, she tried not to react, but the unspoken pact they had kept so to make Gray feel as normal possible was hard to stick to. This time though, it honestly wasn't the best choice.

– o – o – o –

Gray lay on his bed in the infirmary. The dull silence encasing him in his thoughts. Like Natsu, he'd had a feeling about what they'd see in his memories, so it wasn't that which circled his mind. Bringing back something which his mind had filed away so neatly was bringing up so much more of his time with the dark guild. Not just memories though, there were emotions he hadn't expected to feel, let alone be able to attribute to that time.

Amongst them, guilt was the most surprising.

It was easier for Gray to understand then that it was more than just his memories of Natsu that he'd lost that day. In hijacking the Kakusareta Omoide spell, Gray could see that either consciously or subconsciously he'd also worked to protect himself from what he'd experienced. Little by little, since Gray had been admitted to hospital, he'd been chipping away at the protection he'd placed on his mind. The spell Rufus had cast had smashed right through. Shattering his mind's attempt to shelter what little of himself he had left. He could remember it all now. Now, he could re-live the pain, the fear, the onslaught of emotions which his torture had brought to the surface. Every little detail had come flooding back all at once.

It wouldn't stop.

He thumped a fist down onto the bed.

Stop! Please stop! I don't want to see that! To feel that again…

Gray wasn't sure what to do. Part of him knew he needed to talk to someone, but that wasn't something he had the energy to do. Plus the question of who best to talk to didn't help. He didn't want to bring anyone else into this, but he knew that he had to. The one person his gut was telling him to talk to was the one he wanted to least. Natsu was difficult, Gray had seen what just seeing some of what had happened to him had done, he wasn't about to inflict more guilt on him.

What else was there to do though? He needed to do something? Gray inhaled slowly, letting it fill him completely before letting that breath out through his mouth.

This is not the time to lose it.

Gray sat up, and swinging his legs around he let his feet touch the linoleum flooring.

I can do this. I need to be able to do this by myself. If not…

He couldn't bring himself to finish that sentence. He felt at a loss as it was. As if, other than Natsu there was something still missing, but he couldn't quite work it out. To not be able to make it back to some form of normality was something he didn't want to deal with. Walking by himself was a start Gray decided he could make himself.

Shaking legs carried him slowly to the door, but it was only then that he remembered the stairs. Gray made it half way down before his trembling legs caved underneath him and he fell forward. It wasn't just the physical pain he felt as he hit the wooden steps, the helplessness which came with that was worse. He tumbled down the rest of the steps before coming to a halt at the bottom. He lay there, not able to move, his whole body quivering in shock.

Damnit! I couldn't even make it down the stairs.

Natsu had been up as soon as the door of the infirmary had opened. He, for one, had had no intention of keeping said pact. He was kneeling by Gray's side in an instant, it just about the most he'd moved all day.

"Gray? Gray!"

"Wha– what?"

"What do you mean, 'what'? What the hell was that? You know you aren't strong enough to walk by yourself yet so I'm not even sure why you tried! I– what if you'd been hurt?"

If anything, the rest of the guild was more surprised than Gray at Natsu's outburst.

"I–" Gray sighed, "Natsu I'm fine." The response was almost automatic. Gray knew just as well as Natsu did that he wasn't fine at all.

"Fine? Fine! Really Gray?" Natsu banged a fist on the ground, "If I hear you say, 'I'm fine', again I'll, I'll…" Natsu didn't finish the sentence. "Just stop, okay?"

Gray nodded. It was all he could do. His muscles seemed to have seized up in shock.

"Good." Natsu snapped, but instantly regretted it. The look of guilt which spread over Gray's face wasn't what he wanted to see at all. "You are far from fine Gray, no matter how much you want it to be otherwise. You've only been out of hospital a week." He carefully helped Gray into a seated position, but never removed the steadying arm from behind his friend's back.

"I know. I just, it's so frustrating. I'm just not the same and I hate it." Gray spat the words out, tears of frustration leaking from his eyes. The room was getting colder and colder by the second as Gray's emotional state became just as unstable as his physical one.

"Gray, I know it's frustrating, but this will take time."

"Time? What comfort is time? I've lost all control over my body, over my mind, I'm not me anymore. Time will do something, but I can't wait that long. Not when I know what I used to be like."

"Gray, you need to calm down." Lyon spoke gently. He'd noticed as the onlookers had begun to pull their cardigans closer despite the sunny day outside. "What innate magic you have left is rising out of control." Lyon knew he'd done it the moment the words had left his lips. They had not yet told Gray what the spell had sacrificed, though they were sure that deep down Gray could feel it too. The spell had taken from Gray what was already weakened in him at the time.

"Wha- what?" Gray stuttered. His hands began to shake as he stared forlornly up at Lyon.

Shit.

"My magic?" Gray tried to form a simple snowflake in his palm but nothing happened. He tried again, still nothing. He closed that same palm into a fist and thumped it onto the ground. It left him only with an aching fist and no less problems than he had before. "No. No, no, no…not that too."

An anguished yell was torn from Gray's lips as the room grew icy cold.

Lyon had heard of this happening. Where an elemental mage cut off from their connection to their magic in any way found a sort of inborn magic instead. The problem was though that it was very powerful, and, of course, very hard to control. It was all Lyon could do to try and keep the raw emotional magic at bay.

"What do I have left if I don't have my memories and I don't have my magic?" Or Natsu. Gray's words were only just audible through his, dry, angry sobs. "What is the point?"

"Gray." Lyon repeated. "You need to calm down or we are all going to freeze."

"Can't…"

"Yes, you, can."

"Gray!" Natsu called out, taking his friend's hand he let the warmth of his fire spread form that spot throughout the room. He knew how Gray was feeling. The number of times he'd set lost control while learning to use his fire, Natsu had lost count. The more annoyed at his mistakes he'd become the more his fire had raged. The same was happening here. Natsu kept the ice surrounding just him and Gray, while trying to get through to his friend.

"Gray. I'm sorry I yelled. I am. I've caused you stress again. I understand that, but you need to try and calm down. Please."

Gray drew in a deep breath. His shaking hand gripped even tighter to Natsu's. With a nod, Gray took in another deep breath. The cold, however, still didn't waver.

"Gray. Listen to me. You can do this. Prove to yourself that you can get better. You can do this."

"Can't…"

"Yes you can, I know you can. You're gonna have to or we'll both freeze. You're not used to the cold like you used to be, your fingertips are already turning blue."

Natsu waited, it could have been minutes, could have been seconds, but eventually he felt the cold beginning to recede from the point where his hands touched Gray's. Slowly but surely the chill left the air and the guild breathed a chorused sigh of relief.

At the bottom of the stairs, Gray still shook, tears still leaking from his eyes as he squeezed them shut. "I'm s- sorry…"

"It's alright Gray, you don't have to be." Natsu shuffled forward, and not knowing what else to do, carefully sat Gray up again and pulled him into his arms. "It's not your fault." They sat like that until Gray's breathing had evened out and the tears had finally stopped. How long that was though, Natsu wasn't sure.