"It's a secret no one tells; One day it's heaven, one day it's hell. It's no fairy tale." Even Angels Fall - Jessica Riddle

AN: I really do not want to change the rating of the story because then it will not be filed in the front page thing. So just know…read with discretion.

The Undeveloped Story

Chapter 21

You breathe out lightly as his hands trail down your front, encouraging you to continue. You touch his chest with your fingertips, his skin hard under your touch. His own hands go to your thighs. "Let me get those dress pants off you baby. I know they can't be comfortable." He whispers, his fingers unbuckling as he speaks. You nod, your hair falling in front of your face as you still trace his muscles and bulges. It's weird. It's so weird.

His fingertips are skilled as he maneuvers your body so he can slip the pants off you. You blush at the small cotton underwear you are wearing but he doesn't comment on it. He grabs you leg, swinging it so that you are over him again. You gasp as you press your hand on his chest to steady yourself. He looks you in your eyes. "Are you okay?" he asks sincerely. You nod and hesitantly reach behind you. Unhooking your bra, you let the material fall away. His eyes go down to your breasts as they now swing freely and he brings his hands up your sides. You shiver again. You lean down, running your hands through his hair a bit roughly before connecting your lips.

He arches up, meeting you halfway. Your naked chests press together as your tongues massage one another. It's different. It's very different.

And it's scary - so scary. Are you even sure you should be doing this? And what's with the feeling of wanting to throw up?

"Baby, you're still shaking." Shane says against your lips. He sighs as his hands go to your hips. "If you aren't ready, we should stop." He says firmly. You swallow harshly before shaking your head slightly. You want this. You do want this. Right?

Yes.

You want this.

You climb off him again, opting to lay right beside him, somewhat tucked into his body. He turns towards you as you grab his hand. He looks at you questioningly and your eyes connect.

Your heart is beating so fast, so loud, so confused.

You can feel a slight sweat pass through your body as you bring your intertwined hands down pass your bellybutton. You can feel your stomach go crazy with butterflies and you feel like you are going to hurl. His eyes bore into yours as his breath catches in his throat. You start breathing heavier when your fingers and his slip under your underwear. A shiver goes through your body.

Fuck. This is scary.

His fingertips brush against the top of your center and you jump, gasping. Your eyes widen as he sucks in his breath again. Taking all the confidence you can muster - which isn't much and really you still feel like you are going to throw up - you push his hand further down and his fingers find more of your most intimate area. He presses your forehead together and his fingers slip from yours. He knows what he is doing of course; he doesn't need your instruction. He very lightly massages you, barely even touching you. You can feel your nipples rub against his hot skin every time he moves a little. When his fingers find your clitoris, you bite your lip harshly. He fingers are gentle as he rubs the nub in circles, careful not to go too rough too soon.

"Mitchie." He mumbles and you reach up to kiss his lips. He moans softly against you, as his fingers slip past your clitoris. You freeze, your lips parting against his mouth when he lightly slips his fingertip inside of you. "Do you want me to stop?" he asks, breathing hard. Yes. No. Maybe. You don't open your mouth, afraid of the fluttering in your stomach. You shake your head, tilting your hips towards him to get more of his finger inside of you. He gasps and you gasp and you can see a million things behind your eyes but nothing at all. It's insane and so foreign but so good and at the same time scary as fuck. He moves his finger inside you, moving with your hips. "That's my girl." He mutters as you push harder towards him. "Mitchie." He whispers again, kissing your lips.

You part your lips, biting at his lower one as he slips another finger inside of you. He is slow. He doesn't go rough with you, but he knows enough about sex to know how to get you off. It's an insane feeling. It's the insane feeling. Looking at it closely, you have never felt the way that you are you feeling now. You can literally feel every single one of your pores and every single nerve in your body and every single muscle working with him. You squeeze his arm tightly as your muscles contract against his fingers and he sighs. "Shane." You whimper. This is crazy. What are you doing? God, what are you doing?

"That's my girl." He repeats, a smile on his lips as he kisses your forehead. You open your mouth against his shoulder, emitting a silent scream as you rock your body against his fingers. You moan, tucking yourself into his body and the bed as the feeling cultivates in your entire body. "Are you okay?" he asks, as he slips his fingers from your underwear.

No. Yes? "Wow." You choke out, not ready to talk yet while ignoring the question. Your eyes widen as you meet his. Do you have to do him now? You don't know how to do that. Holy shit. The fear is obvious on your face and he kisses you again. What are you doing? Your thoughts are going a million miles an hour but you can barely control your body. Do you want to do this? "Shane." You moan as he climbs on top of you better. It's so weird - the weight of a man on top of you and honestly, it just adds to the feeling of wanting to throw up.

"Relax." He whispers against your lips. You breathe out shakily and don't answer him. You kiss him harder before letting go of him so he can slip off his shirt. You swallow, averting your eyes from his body but he doesn't notice. Your head is still so dizzy and you feel a little ashamed of being so naked. And Jesus, you guys have only been dating for a couple months.

But then he is kissing you again, and you forget your thoughts - if only for a moment.

--

He is gentle with you; that much is for certain. He knows that you don't need a rough time, but that doesn't mean it is painless and it doesn't mean it is comfortable. It is awkward - seeing him naked, letting him see you naked. You would like to think that it was an expression of love - sex - but really, it just hurt and it was messy. And embarrassing. Very embarrassing. "Mitchie, talk to me." He pokes your arm, a frown on his face. His soft brown eyes are concerned as he wraps his arm around your naked waist, pulling you close to him. You close your eyes, leaning into his warmth but at the same time knowing that the reason he is so warm is the same reason why his cheeks are still rosy. His mouth is on your ear, biting and licking. "Please." He mutters, his voice still hoarse.

"You were amazing." You say, your heart fast again. You don't know if you are lying or not, but Shane's face illustrates he thinks you are. "You were! And thank you because…I don't know. You were amazing. I love you, Shane." You tell him quickly before leaning up to kiss him deeply. He tightens his hold on you, pushing you so that you are on your back again. Internally, you have a mini-freak out again.

The point was to stay a virgin until marriage.

But moment can slip away if you wait for them to happen.

It's too conflicting. Your thoughts are too confusing. Your body is too confusing. You don't even realize it but you are responding to all of Shane's ministrations right now, moaning at the right times and arching into him. Physically, you are ready - which has just been proven, but mentally, were you ready? No. Yes? Maybe.

You freeze as you feel him kiss your forehead. "Baby, calm down. It's over. The horrible first time is over. Just let it go. It's me. I'll protect you." he whispers to you, as he pulls your leg aside. You close your eyes, letting your breath out softly. He pulls back. "Okay. You're obviously not okay." Shane frowns, his eyes hurt.

"I'm fine." You whisper, but you don't sound like yourself. Your breath is so shaky and you're still scared. Something changes the moment you meet his eyes. You feel so young and so immature. He is so well put together, and no matter what job you take or how many classes you take, you aren't stable. You are terrified.

He comes close to you again, connecting your forehead. He raises his fingers to your cheek and you close your eyes, subconsciously leaning into him. "You're crying. You aren't fine." He whispers, his voice breaking. "Come on baby. Talk to me." He nudges your nose with his own. You breathe out, a little bit of the weight of your shoulders leaving.

"I don't know, Shane. I honestly do not know." You sit up, pulling your knees to your naked chest. You shiver from the coldness and he puts his arm around your back, tracing circles soothingly. "Maybe it was just because it was the first time…it was scary. I'm still…" you choke out and he kisses your shoulder.

"I'm not a stranger, Mitchie. I love you. I have never stopped loving you." he wraps his arms more around you and you lean into his chest. "I wasn't that bad, was I? To scar you from having sex ever again?" he says, poking your side again. You actually let a smile out, and for a second, you think you are being an idiot. He loves you and you love him. You wanted him for so long and you have been stressing how badly you have wanted him for at least a month. He is a great guy and he deserved that too. You wanted him to take that and he did. All that you wanted happened.

"Baby, you were amazing. I wasn't lying." You mutter against his skin, your cheeks a little pink. You're an idiot.

Yes. You are…

But not because you are having doubts now, but because you didn't have them before. You were so tough, so independent, and so ready to live your life. Isn't that why you left New Jersey? To get away and be independent and amazing? Yes. But then California sucked, and why did you stay? For a guy - an amazing guy, but a guy nonetheless. This was supposed to the trip that defines you as an adult.

But you aren't an adult.

You might be old - if twenty is old - but were you ready for sex? You were supposed to wait. "Then, what's wrong?" Shane says, rubbing your back. Suddenly, he sighs. "You were working with me. You didn't let on…Mitchie, I told you I would stop if you weren't ready…." His eyes soften as he brushes a lock of your hair back. "You weren't ready for this." He whispers softly.

You swallow harshly. "No. I was. I am. Just… it's new, okay? Give me a couple minutes." You say with a sigh. "I'll get used to it; I'm just a dumbass." You fake a smile at him. His brown eyes are still so concerned.

And suddenly, you notice all the same things. The fact that he is still rubbing your back to calm you down. The fact that he has covered your body with his sheet. The fact he never made you do anything to him when you actually had sex. The fact that he was gentle and he asked you if you were ready all the time. The fact that he does so fucking much for you.

The fact you do nothing for him and the stuff that you do isn't enough. He deserves so much more.

So much. And you aren't sure you can give him that yet.

--

You leave him a note the next morning, watching him for a second as he continues sleeping. He was great last night with you - he held you and let you just breathe. It just made you feel even guiltier. God, when Nate first came and Shane needed support - did you support him like he has supported you so many times?

No.

You are such a horrible person. A tear falls from your face and hits the note. You quickly wipe your face, drawing a heart where the tear landed before swallowing and leaving the apartment. If it was up to you, you would want to stay there just to make sure that he knows you love him. Does he know you love him? Have you ever actually showed him you loved him?

You can feel the pain inside you well up so much. You are practically sobbing as you reach the elevator. The guilt is killing you and your legs have slight bruises and you cannot believe you had sex last night. It's too unreal. "What the hell am I doing?" you blurt out, wiping your face roughly as the elevator opens. He deserves so much more than you. You have been so horrible to him. Even just last night - you could have just told him to wait or you could have made him understand that it was you not him so much better.

He does so much for you.

You are breaking down. You know this and the worst part is you have no idea how to stop it. You literally slide down to the floor inside the elevator, your shoulders shaking wildly as you gasp for air roughly. "Crap. Fuck!" you scream, pulling at your hair. You hear the doors open and you heartbreakingly open your eyes. Someone stares at you - the mess laying on the floor with tears and makeup streaming down her face.

--

"Mitchie, what is wrong with you?" you look up surprised. Mandy raises an eyebrow. "In the last ten minutes since you got here, you have dropped your cup, spilt water on yourself, tripped on the rug and have not said more than two words. I thought you wanted to study for Ethics. You haven't even got your book." She says, sighing and leaning back in the couch. "Tell me what's wrong already."

You gulp softly and shrug, wringing at your still wet shirt. For a while, you stay quiet and she just stares at you. She sighs and rubs your shoulder. Finally, you look up and wipe your teary eyes. "Me and Shane slept together." You blurt out. Mandy's reaction is immediate. Her eyes widen and her mouth falls in a soft gasp. Her eyes stay on you until she looks down to her notebook again.

"You slept with him?" her voice sounds incredulous when she finally speaks. "You slept with Shane? Whoa. Are you insane? Did you use protection?" she spurts out questions quickly, looking at you again.

You part your lips. "Yeah, he put on a condom." You mutter quietly under your breath.

Mandy throws her hands up as if that was the only thing you actually did right. "You're like married to him, but you have known for like nothing." You open your mouth, feeling tears come up to your eyes but she cuts you off. "No! I don't care if you used to know him when you were five. You don't know him now. You're going too fast! Don't you get that? He isn't the boy you used to know from camp." She scolds you, her voice getting a little emotional.

You frown and furrow your eyebrows. "I do love him." You whisper. You do love him - even if you don't know how to show it.

She scoffs, throwing her hands up again. "You don't even really know him. You know the image of him when he was a huge star, but he isn't that man anymore. What's his favorite movie? His favorite song? Color? What does he do when he's upset? When's the last time he wrote a song? Is he a cat person or a dog person?" she asks you pointedly. You stay quiet, looking down with tears in your eyes. "Yes, you know what's he is like naked, but do you know who he is underneath? I don't mean to lecture you, but Jesus, grow up, Mitchie. You can't just give stuff away like that. Does he even deserve it?" She says.

You finally interrupt, scoffing at her. "Yes, I suck, but don't say that! He does and did deserve it. I do love him. And I know, okay? I know. He probably knows all these things about me, but I don't know squat about him. I get it! Okay. I get it." you are crying by the end of it. Your head is killing you so much and you are just so tired of crying today.

She doesn't say anything. She just sighs before rubbing your arm. You just stare at her notebook with her notes and she stares at her textbook. For a long time nothing is said. Your heart is breaking in your chest. You do love him. You do. But why do you suck do much? You should know every answer about him. You should know every detail about Shane - because you are ninety-nine percent certain he knows everything about you.

"Can I use your laptop for a second?" your voice breaks as you ask her, still not looking up. Mandy turns her computer towards you, not glancing at you either. You take a deep breath before going to your school's website. You need a distraction so you go your emails, noticing three emails from your teachers. Instead of opening them, you go to your mid-term grades, expecting at least that to go well.

But this only makes you cry harder.

Mandy looks at you with an eyebrow raised. "What now?" she asks with a sigh. You don't answer her - you just push the laptop away from you. Curling up into a ball, you take a deep ragged breath and belittle yourself some further. "Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, Mitchie." She swears under her breath. You shut your eyes.

"I hate my life so fucking much right now." You groan, pulling your hair.

She inhales softly before coming over to you and hugging you. "Okay. So this is bad, but not changeable. We'll fix it. I'll help and if you stop boning Shane for five seconds, he'll help too. It will be okay." She consoles you, softly patting down your hair. You snort and practically scream, throwing your head backwards against the couch cushion. She frowns.

"I don't fail." You finally spit out. "I get good grades and I do all the work and I don't sleep with guys. I hardly drink and I talk to my mom everyday and I go to bed at a reasonable time. I do not fail." You repeat, gritting your teeth. Mandy bites her lip before gesturing at the computer screen. Your eyes momentarily catch your grades again and your heart drops.

You only passed one test - and it was with a C.

--

You go to work, even though you look like a fucking mess and you can barely talk without crying. Your turned-off phone weighs a ton in your pocket and you stop yourself from calling Shane fifteen million times. You don't know what to say to him, but you want it to be the right thing. God, how do you prove your love to a man? Buy him flowers? Chocolates? Give him more sex?

"Mitchie, can I talk to you for a second?" You look up and meet the bright blue eyes of your new boss. Her name is Cindy Goldman and she doesn't like you very much. Apparently her niece was in the running for your position, but Nate Grey overrode her. You got the job and subsequently an angry, bitter boss. "Look down for a second to that plastic thing in the corner." You lower your eyebrows, feeling tears already come up to your eyes. You really don't need another thing today. You do as she says and she continues. "That is called a phone. As a secretary, it is your job to pick up the phone and take down notes. Are you able to do that or are you that incompetent?"

You don't answer her hopefully hypothetical question and just continue staring at the phone. "For the love of God, you aren't being paid to just look pretty and sit on a desk. You are paid to work, so you better start working or you will get cut. I told Mr. Grey I would give you a chance, but you are testing my patience. I don't need failures on my team."

Failures.

You nod when she just stands there, glaring intensely. "I don't care if you and Nate have known each other since you were in diapers. You are on my team and I make the rules, and from now on, I want ten million percent from you or it's over. This job will no longer be yours. Do you understand me?" You nod again. "I want every call to get answered and I want the appointment with Mr. Fields set up by tomorrow morning." She huffs slightly and finally turns on her heel. Blinking away a couple of tears, you finally look up.

Standing against the back wall is Nate. Your teary eyes widen as you look at his sad face. He shakes his head just as little pixie sized girl comes fluttering in from the office behind him, linking arms with him. She kisses his cheek playfully, and he momentarily forgets about you to smile at her before brushing a lock of silky hair behind her ear. A light blush goes on her face before she giggles and runs towards the door, dragging him along. Before he leaves, he flashes you one more look - his face serious again. You turn away however and focus on your computer screen, counting down the minutes before you have to leave.

When it's time for you to punch out, you do so with a sigh. Gulping back fear and angst, you turn on your phone for the first time all day. Surprisingly, you only have on missed message, instead of the million phone calls and texts you were dreading from an angry Shane. Shakily you punch in your voicemail's password and bring the phone to your ear.

"I could fill this message with a million words about how much I care about you or with slurs about how angry I am that you left this morning. I can bitch about the fact that you told me you were ready and then freaked on me because you weren't. I can gush about how great last night was or awkwardly tell you how bad it ended up being. But I won't do any of those. I'm not angry or whatever. I'm hurt and kinda sad, but I know last night was a crazy big deal for you. Actually, thinking about it now, I didn't even notice how big of a deal it was. And I'm sorry because I know today will be a little hard, but just know that it's okay. I love you, Mitchie Torres, even if our past is crazed and twisted. I never stopped loving you and that's all I wanted to say. I love you and it will be okay. We'll talk when you get home tonight."

Shane's voice is so sweet and with no ounce of anger.

The tears come even quicker to your eyes now that you are out in the street and not in your job. You shakily call for a taxi and after giving the address to Shane's, you just sit in the backseat and cry over what a bad fucking day you had. One a scale of one to ten on how epically bad today has been, it's about a million. You just want to go home and apologize and tell him you love him a million times and make sure that you get to know every aspect of him. You hate yourself for not realizing how little you actually know of him earlier.

When you get to the apartment, you pay him quickly before practically running inside. Your makeup trails down your face unflatteringly but you don't care. "Shane." You croak out, your voice breaking as you enter the apartment. You look at the daisies that are still on the table, wiping your eyes as you slip off your high heels. "Shane." You say louder. You walk into the bedroom, looking around until you see him sitting at the end of the bed. Your eyes widen as you notice he is shaking heavily and his fist is clenched. It takes you another second to notice the blood on his knuckles and the fact his shirt is ripped. "Baby?" you whisper.

He looks up and you part your mouth in a small gasp. His eyes are bright red and there is dried blood under his nose. His hair is seriously messed up and his breathing is erratic. He scoffs when he sees you and he pushes himself off the bed and starts going towards the bathroom. Wiping your eyes forcibly, you follow him but don't say a word as he spits blood into the bathroom sink. You suck in your breath sharply before putting your hands on his back softly.

He jerks away before sending you a slight glare. "What the hell happened?" you ask, a little emotionally. You immediately reach into his medicine cabinet, grabbing rubbing alcohol and bandages. He pushes you away and goes back to the bedroom. "Shane!" you scream after him, breathing out roughly. Your eyes fill with worry as he winces at the pain in his arm.

"Nothing happened, Mitchie. I just wasn't liking myself today." He answers sarcastically, as he closes his eyes and runs his hands through his messy hair harshly. You scoff at him, trying to touch him again.

Once more, he jerks from you. "What the hell is wrong with you? You're totally fucked up and now you're being a douche. So just talk to me and tell me what happened." You scold him, while trying to twist the cap off the alcohol bottle.

He laughs mirthless. "Oh please - because now you care. It isn't like I haven't been waiting for a call or even a fucking lousy text message to know that you're alive and okay. It isn't like I haven't felt horrible all day and almost broke down because of you. It isn't like I didn't fucking put my life on the line to defend you." he yells, wiping blood from his lower lip angrily.

You feel tears go to your eyes again. "Shane…what happened, honey?" For the third time you go to reach for his arm, but the look he gives you makes you freeze. Tears gather in his own eyes as he stares at you, and you feel a ping in your heart. All the air gets sucked out of you as a couple silent seconds pass by. You can sense what is coming next. You can tell by his eyes and by the way he is shaking that tonight is going to be a bad one.

XXX

Hey! So originally I was gonna do a long, year long story, but… it's coming to an end guys. Seriously, there are about two, maybe three chapters left - I haven't decided how many. But it's ending :C Thank you so much for all the support and everything; it's just all the story lines are in fact closing up - unintentionally, but they are.

But! I am in the process of writing another ff….which I wanted to ask: do I do another smitchie or I would do a Joe/Oc and went over to JBFA, would you follow and review/read there? Please answer.

I love you guys.

Oh - thoughts about the chapter - who do you think Shane got in a fight with? Why is he so mad when earlier in the voicemail (which I will admit was sent when he woke up at like 9am) he was so calm and understanding? Do you think Mitchie and Shane are in for a long night of fighting? Do you think maybe they need to fight? Is Mitchie's realization that Shane loves her more in a way correct?

Thanks,

Sandy

PS -Dedicated to Hannah. Thank you.

PPS- The next chapter will be posted on Friday now. Something came up, and I did not want to give you guys bullshit. You deserved better. Hope you aren't too mad.