AIRW/ZAC By DeadeyeDave (with help from Mr. Crash)
Last time on Containment:
"You mean, 'Atza one spicy meataball?'"
"Zelda, I... HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!"
"IIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE MY EYEBALLS ARE MELTING INTO JELLY!!!"
"NOOOO!!! CURSE YOU, BOXING MONKEYS!!!"
"(close-up on Rauru's shirtless flab) Violins from Psyco soundtrack: REET REET REET!"
"Is it me or are you becoming more and more Canadian as the days go by?"
"...tha Phat Fat...two thousan' and three...I'm goin for a sandwich...peace out."
***
(X-Files-esque typed script)
*tickety tickety tickety*
6:30 A.M. SOME RANDOM ISLAND
Windmill Guy: Now, for your...CHALLENGE OF DEATH!!! (lightning flashes)
SFX: DUN DUN DUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNN!
Fishing Guy: *whispers something*
WG: Oh right. TRIAL OF TERROR! (lightning flashes)
SFX: DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUNNN!
DED: That's getting reeeeeeally old, and I've only heard it twice.
Mido: And why is lightning flashing? You're in a studio.
WG: SHADDUP YA LITTLE TWERP!
FG: Arrrrrh!Ye'll be walkin' the plank!
Nabooru: Wouldja knock off the arrh?
FG: Arrrh! Never! I be a pirate of the high seas! AARRRRRRRRRRHH!
Link: Dude. You're a pirate of a tiny pond.
FG: Arrh, shut up! Just fer that, yew lubbers'll be takin' the CHA... TRIAL OF TERROR! (lightning flashes)
SFX: DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!
WG: Boy, the tech guys are goin' NUTS with that thing...
Link: I thought we were going to take the Trial of Terror anyway.
FG: Arrrh, well the thing about that is...arrrrh...shut up.
Link: ::shrugs:: Fair enough.
Zelda: Makes sense to me.
Gryorg: Indubitably!
FG: ARRRRH!
Fierce Deity: Howdy.
Rauru: PRAISE THE SPORK!
Ruto: Huh?
Rauru: Just chiming in.
Malon: But that's not your catch phrase!
Rauru: Yeah, so what's YOUR catch phrase?
Malon: Well, it's not so much a phrase as a song... DOO DOO DOOOOO, DOO DOO DOOOOO, DOO DOO DOOOOOO DOOOOOOO...
MD: MAKE IT STOP!!!
Rauru: I believe that "Praise the Spork" is now my catch phrase.
Ganondorf: I thought it would be something like "Extra mayo please" or "Supersize that combo!"
Rauru: Shut up! I'm on the Slim-Fast plan!
DED: Really?
Rauru: Yeah, I drink one for breakfast, one for brunch, one for second breakfast, one for pre-lunch snack, one for lunch, one for post-lunch snack, one for tea, one for supper, five or six for dinner, one for dessert, and one for a midnight snack. I keep running out though...
Ganondorf: Rauru, drinking three cartons per day won't help you lose weight.
Rauru: Oh well, I GUESS I JUST GOTTA BE FLABBY THEN! (singing to the tune of 'I Just Gotta Be Me') OOOH I JUST GOTTA BE FAT...
WG: Which is precisely why you, Link, and Zelda have got to go into the woods and face the...TRIAL OF TERROR! (lightning flashes)
DED: DUN DUN DUNNNNN!
Random tech crew guy: Hey! That's OUR cue!
DED: Cram it Phil!
FG: ARRRRH!
Zelda: Not to interrupt this tantalizing conversation, but why do me, Link, and Rauru always do the weird challenges?
DED: 'Cause you're the perfect trio! The horny teenage princess girl, the horny teenaged hero guy, and the blubbery, balding comic relief!
Rauru: Cool, I'm a horny teenage hero guy? Really?
DED: Umm...how can I put this...no.
Rauru (just not getting it): But I'm not a princess gir...OOOOOHHHH...I'm the blubbery balding comic relief! *sniff* I've been waiting all my life for someone to recognize my true talent... to recognize me for what I really am...BIG FAT BLUBBERY COMIC RELIEF!
Malon: Don't forget balding.
Rauru: AND _BALDING_! WOOTWOOTWOOTWOOTWOOTWOOT! (spins around on stomach)
Link: (statement finally penetrating peanut-sized brain) Hey, I might be horny and teenaged and heroic, but I'm NOT...umm...what was the fourth thing?
Zelda: *sighing* He called you a guy.
Link: WELL I'M NOT! Oh wait, maybe I am.
Zelda: *snickers* After last night, I'm not so sure.
Link: NO ONE LISTEN! (waves hands in the air) I HAVE FORMED A CONE OF SILENCE! NONE CAN HEAR OUR CONVERSATION!
Zelda: Oh, shut UP....
Link: (yelling at Zelda): WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Impa: Ahh, the young, stupid lovers...Takes me back...
Darunia: So let me get this straight...you two little pervs couldn't wait ONE NIGHT to start humpi...
Link: (covering Darunia's mouth) ....embarking on the Mysterious Journey to the Magic Dinette, right kids?
Saria and Mido: Right!
Link: (getting stared at) Eh hee hee hee...just givin' the facts of life...
FG: ARRH! I hate to re-interrupt THIS tantalizing conversation, but I must now give you the details of your...TERROR TRIAL! (lightning flashes backward)
SFX: DUUUUUNNN DUN DUN?
WG: That's "Trial of Terror."
FG: Arrrh, right. The Trial of Terror! (lightning flashes)
SFX: DUN DUN...
All: We know the drill!
WG: Ahem. First you must go into the jungle and find the... LOST TEMPLE OF...SPORK!
All: WHAAAAAAAAAAA?
Rauru: GHASP! I though it was just a rumor! The holiest of Gorgeinite shines!
Link: The what now?
Rauru: The Gorgeinites. My religion. All is food...food is all...God is food...so sayeth the Cookbible. Oh ye of little faith...the world is my oyster, on the half shell, in linguini. Mmmmm, linguini...
MD: Umm...impressive, I think...
Rauru: ALL HAIL THE MAGIC SPORK! OOOBLEOOOBLEOOOBLEOOOB!
Gannondorf: Please, you're spitting.
Rauru: Wait, WHERE'S MY SPORK???
WG: That's right! We have hidden your precious gorging spork deep within the Temple of Spork, and YOU MUST FIND IT!
Rauru: GHASP! THE HOLY SPORK TAKEN? CRUSADERS! GRAB YER SWORDS!
Zelda: Who, me?
Rauru: SPORKUS LE VOLT!
Link: The who now?
Rauru: It's Latin. 'The Spork Wills It.'
Link: Whatever.
Rauru: GHASP! COME, LEGIONS OF THE SPORK! (jumps on armored war hippo) CHARGE! (barrels off through the forest)
*long pause*
DED: The audience is, frankly, stunned.
MD: Another stupefying Rauru moment.
Zelda: Well.
Link: Well well.
WG: Right. Well, if you should fail on your quest, you'll never see your precious precious spork again!
Zelda: Fine by us.
WG: *sigh* ...and, umm, I'll...CONFISCATE ALL THE HAIR GEL!
Link and Zelda: NOOOOO! NOT THE HAIR GEL!
WG: YES, THE HAIR GEL! _AND_ THE PERT PLUS FORTIFYING SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER FOR FINE HAIR!
Link: Ha! Little do you know that I no longer use Pert Plus Fortifying Shampoo and Conditioner for Fine Hair! I've got the URGE TO HERBAL BABY!
Zelda: Ha! Gotcha there!
WG: *sighs* Fine, if you don't do it I'll kill you.
Link: Ha! Little do you know that your insanity has drained us of our will to live!
WG: DAMMIT! Umm...I'll...RELEASE THE HORRIBLE AND HIGHLY EMBARRASSING MOMENTS REVEALED IN CHAPTER 12, I'VE NEVER!
All: OH NOOOOOO!
DED: Ha! Little do you know that I already typed that up and put it on the Internet for all to see!
WG: Wow, that's evil...kudos, man!
DED: Charmed.
FG: Umm...if you do it, I'll give up saying 'arrrrrh' for a while!
All: YAHOO! GO GO GO!
MD: AY OH! LEZ GO! BLITZKRIEG BOP!
FG: Also, I'll stop Misty D from ever singing again!
All: YAHOO!
MD: Yahoo! Erm, yahoo?
Link: All right, we'll play your twisted game, if only to stop Misty from singing any more.
DED: EEEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXXIT LIGHT! EEEEEEEEEEENTER NIGHT! TAAAAAAAAAAAAKE MY HAND! WE'RE OFF TA NEVER NEVER LAND!
Darunia: That's not to say YOU SHOULD SING EVEN MORE TO MAKE UP FOR IT!
DED: It doesn't?
Darunia: No. It most certainly does not.
Link: Well, better get going then. Rauru is probably dead or something.
Rauru: (off in the distance) Sooo...hungry...haven't eaten in...seconds...(disgusting chewing noises)
Zelda: Or worse.
Saria: Before you go, take this! (hands Link pile of twine)
Link: I think I speak for Zelda as well as myself when I say, 'The hell?'
Saria: Well...you neeeeever knoooooow...
Link: Quit it! You sound like the creepy chick from 'Don't Say a Word!'
Saria: Coooooool.
Zelda: Well. So we have an insane fat guy, me, my lunkheaded lover, sticks, leaves, and a length of twine.
Ruto: What would McGuyver do...?
Link: He'd...make a helicopter out of the leaves, twigs, the fat guy, and the lunkhead, and fly off this island?
Zelda: Well, I'm not McGuyver, and you...you're not smarter than a stump, so I don't think any helicopters will be involved.
Link: Yeah...say, what's a helicopter? And who's McGuyver?
Zelda: No matter. Let's go...
Ganondorf: Wait! You gotta take my contribution! (hands Link dehumidifier)
Zelda: Right. There's going to be AC power in the Temple of Spork to use it.
Ganondorf: Hmm. Well. You could beat something with it...you know there might be spiders in there. Once, I knew this guy, and he said there were spiders that are the size of your hand, and they were all hairy, and it can suck your blood, and they eat human souls, and they can fly, and they're magic. Hit them with the dehumidifier!
Link: Yeah. Right. So...
Skull Kid: WAIT!
All: OKAY!
SK: I HAVE MY NUCLEAR GENERATOR THAT I USED FOR MISTYS BOOM BOX! YOU CAN USE THAT!
MD: Why, he's right!
Impa: Good idea, Skull Kid! Guess the new medication is working!
SK: THAT, AND I HAVENT SAID ANYTHING FOR A WHILE.
Malon: Here, take my brass knuckles too.
Link: Umm... ok...just sit them on top of the dehumidifier...
Ruto: And take my water gun! (sets it on Link's head)
Link: Thank...you...(collapses from weight)
Zelda: Time to go! La la la la la la la la....(skips merrily away)
Link: Help...meee...
*Spinning Triforce logo flies up to screen* DOODELY DOODELY DOO!
*tickety tickety tickety* 9:25 A.M. SOME RANDOM JUNGLE ON SOME RANDOM ISLAND
Zelda: Hey, it's Rauru.
Rauru (leaning on hippo skeleton, picking teeth): *belch* Hi.
Link: Did you eat your war hippo?
Rauru: *glancing around at hippo carcass* No...
Zelda: Thaaat's nice, lets get walking.
Rauru: The what now?
Zelda: Walk-ing. Using your feet for locomotion?
Rauru: Wait, I have FEET? Haven't seen 'em in two centuries! *tries to push away flab in order to see feet, but fails*
Link: Man, your nails must be like eight feet long.
Rauru: Sot THAT'S that stabbing sensation I feel all the time!
Zelda: Eeeeew...let's just go...
Rauru: Gotcha! (rolls along on his flab) *hums* Keep rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin' what? keep rollin' rollin' rollin'...
Link: So...
Zelda: Yeah.
Rauru: GHASP!
Link: What?
Rauru: Vicious hippos!
(numerous red, glowing eyes appear in foliage)
Zelda: EEEEK!
Giant hippo: Grunt...grunt...I am the Borax! I speak for the hippos!
Link: Hi! I'm Link!
Giant hippo: My beef is with the round one!
Rauru: Mmmm...beef...
Giant hippo: Precisely.
Zelda: Umm, Rauru...they've got giant steak knives and bibs!
Rauru: Nonsense! Let us settle this like men and hippos...
Rauru and Giant Hippo: SUMO!!!
Rauru: (rips off clothes to reveal giant jockstrap) HYOOOO!
*Close-up on Rauru's expansive, hairy backside*
Violins from Psycho soundtrack: REET REET REET!
Zelda and Link: NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! IT BURRRRRRNNS!
Giant hippo: Impressive. The Fat is strong with this one...
Rauru: Prepare to fight, giant hippo!
Giant hippo: HYYYYA! (charges Rauru)
Rauru: HYAAA! (charges giant hippo)
*stock footage of giant explosion plays*
Giant hippo: Join me Rauru...join me on the Dark Side of the Fat...
Rauru: Never! *shoves hippo back*
Giant hippo: Rauru.I.am.your.umm.line?
Rauru: Father.
Giant hippo: .father!
Rauru: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! *steps back*
Giant hippo: Ha! I'm not your father! I'm actually your UNCLE! (attacks Rauru)
Zelda: Is there something we should be doing here?
Link: Umm.no. No there is not.
Rauru: OH, REAL HELPFUL! I'M GETTING CRUSHED BY A GIANT HIPPO!
Link: Whaddya want me to do about it!
Rauru: STAB IT OR SOMETHING!
Link: Oh right! *stabs hippo, but sword sinks in to the hilt, bounces back, and hits Link in the head* ::WHONK!:: OW! *passes out*
Zelda: Oh criminy. I'd help you, but I'm too noodely!
Rauru: Who will save me now?
SUDDENLY, A CREEPY LOOKING GUY WITH AN OLD-FASHIONED WINDING REEL CAMERA UP TO HIS FACE APPEARS!
Zelda: Who in tarnation is THIS guy?
JUST THEN, THE CREEPY CAMERA GUY WHACKS THE GIANT HIPPO ON THE HEAD WITH HIS CAMERA!
Giant hippo: Oy!
THEN, THE FREAKY CAMERA GUY HOPS ON AN AUTO-GYRO AND FLIES AWAY!
Rauru: THE HELL?
Zelda: Didn't you ever see "The Adventures of Teddy Ruxpin?"
Link: (waking up) HOLY CREPE PAPER! I REMEMBER THAT SHOW! THERE WAS A CREEPY GUY WITH A HELECOPTER AND A CAMERA WHO WENT AROUND FILMING PEOPLE!
Rauru: Anyway, HAVE AT THEE! *knocks hippo away*
SUDDENLY, THERE'S A HUGE CLIFF RIGHT BEHIND THE HIPPO!
Giant hippo: (falling to its death): The Fat will be with you.alwayssssssssssssssssss! ::sickening thud::
Link: Well.
Zelda: Well well.
Rauru: Wellity wellity wellity.
Link: Yep.
Zelda: Yup.
Rauru: GHASP! WITH A FREAKIN' "H" IN IT!
Link: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah, lets go now.
MEANWHILE:
*tickity tickity tickity* 9:25 A.M. RANDOM ISLAND CABANA
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY
Everyone is watching the action on the TV! All thanks to.THE CREEPY CAMERA GUY!
Saira: KILL THE HIPPO! KILL IT KILL IT MAKE IT DEAD DON'T STOP FOR NOTHIN'!
DED: Uh oh, I think we're going insane.
MD: Why?
DED: Didn't you ever see "SeaLab 2021?"
Saria: LEZ PLAY THE SMASHING GAME! *hefts giant wrench*
Malon: Easy there! *restrains Saria*
DED: The children are always the first to go.
Impa: Wait wait wait! We're all going to go nuts if we just sit here. Let's do something.
Mido: How about a nice, relaxing chant? That'll keep us sane.
Ruto: Ok. I'll start. Ahem. Poop.
Ganondorf: Toot?
Darunia: Pooptoot.
Saria: Poopy.
Malon: Tooty.
SK: POOPTOOT!
Impa: Poop!
Ganondorf: Toot!
Darunia: Pooptoot!
Saria: Poopy.
Malon: Tooty.
SK: POOPTOOT!
Impa: Poop!
Ganondorf: Toot!
Darunia: Pooptoot!
Saria: Poopy.
Malon: Tooty.
SK: POOPTOOT!
Impa: Poop!
Ganondorf: Toot!
Darunia: Pooptoot!
Saria: Poopy.
Malon: Tooty.
DED: SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OOOOPEN, GRIPPIN' YAH PILLOW TIGHT! EEEEXIT LIGHT.
Mido: I SAID KEEP US _SANE!_ _SANE!_
Ruto: Oh right.sorry. DED: HOLY CRUCIAN CARP! THIS CHAPTER'S FOURTEEN PAGES LONG ALREADY!
MD: WE GOTTA TAKE A BREAK!
SK: you all are talking in capitals so much i'll have to talk in all lower case to make up!
DED: What?
SK: OH, NOTHING!
***
What will become of the adventurers? Will Rauru remove the "H" when he gasps? Will anyone give a tinker's damn?
FIND OUT!
Next time on Containment: Link and co. are braving the dangers of the Temple of Spork! And back home, Saria's INSANE IN THA BRAIN!
"Oh no! There's a bridge made out of old photographs and documents, but it's so humid in here that it's shortening their lifespan and causing the bridge to collapse! Whatever shall we do?"
"MANGLE! MAUL! CRUSH! ANHILLIATE! EXPUNGE! FOLD! SPINDLE! MUTILATE! EXPOSE TO TEMPERATURES IN EXCESS OF 140 DIGREES! DO NOT STORE IN A COOL, DRY PLACE! WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
"THE TWINE! I TOLD YOU YOU'D NEED THE TWINE! THE TWINE CONQUERS ALL! BOW BEFORE THE TWINE! SACRIFICE A THOUSAND VIRGINS IN THE NAME OF THE ALL- SEEING TWINE!"
Last time on Containment:
"You mean, 'Atza one spicy meataball?'"
"Zelda, I... HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!"
"IIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE MY EYEBALLS ARE MELTING INTO JELLY!!!"
"NOOOO!!! CURSE YOU, BOXING MONKEYS!!!"
"(close-up on Rauru's shirtless flab) Violins from Psyco soundtrack: REET REET REET!"
"Is it me or are you becoming more and more Canadian as the days go by?"
"...tha Phat Fat...two thousan' and three...I'm goin for a sandwich...peace out."
***
(X-Files-esque typed script)
*tickety tickety tickety*
6:30 A.M. SOME RANDOM ISLAND
Windmill Guy: Now, for your...CHALLENGE OF DEATH!!! (lightning flashes)
SFX: DUN DUN DUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNN!
Fishing Guy: *whispers something*
WG: Oh right. TRIAL OF TERROR! (lightning flashes)
SFX: DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUNNN!
DED: That's getting reeeeeeally old, and I've only heard it twice.
Mido: And why is lightning flashing? You're in a studio.
WG: SHADDUP YA LITTLE TWERP!
FG: Arrrrrh!Ye'll be walkin' the plank!
Nabooru: Wouldja knock off the arrh?
FG: Arrrh! Never! I be a pirate of the high seas! AARRRRRRRRRRHH!
Link: Dude. You're a pirate of a tiny pond.
FG: Arrh, shut up! Just fer that, yew lubbers'll be takin' the CHA... TRIAL OF TERROR! (lightning flashes)
SFX: DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!
WG: Boy, the tech guys are goin' NUTS with that thing...
Link: I thought we were going to take the Trial of Terror anyway.
FG: Arrrh, well the thing about that is...arrrrh...shut up.
Link: ::shrugs:: Fair enough.
Zelda: Makes sense to me.
Gryorg: Indubitably!
FG: ARRRRH!
Fierce Deity: Howdy.
Rauru: PRAISE THE SPORK!
Ruto: Huh?
Rauru: Just chiming in.
Malon: But that's not your catch phrase!
Rauru: Yeah, so what's YOUR catch phrase?
Malon: Well, it's not so much a phrase as a song... DOO DOO DOOOOO, DOO DOO DOOOOO, DOO DOO DOOOOOO DOOOOOOO...
MD: MAKE IT STOP!!!
Rauru: I believe that "Praise the Spork" is now my catch phrase.
Ganondorf: I thought it would be something like "Extra mayo please" or "Supersize that combo!"
Rauru: Shut up! I'm on the Slim-Fast plan!
DED: Really?
Rauru: Yeah, I drink one for breakfast, one for brunch, one for second breakfast, one for pre-lunch snack, one for lunch, one for post-lunch snack, one for tea, one for supper, five or six for dinner, one for dessert, and one for a midnight snack. I keep running out though...
Ganondorf: Rauru, drinking three cartons per day won't help you lose weight.
Rauru: Oh well, I GUESS I JUST GOTTA BE FLABBY THEN! (singing to the tune of 'I Just Gotta Be Me') OOOH I JUST GOTTA BE FAT...
WG: Which is precisely why you, Link, and Zelda have got to go into the woods and face the...TRIAL OF TERROR! (lightning flashes)
DED: DUN DUN DUNNNNN!
Random tech crew guy: Hey! That's OUR cue!
DED: Cram it Phil!
FG: ARRRRH!
Zelda: Not to interrupt this tantalizing conversation, but why do me, Link, and Rauru always do the weird challenges?
DED: 'Cause you're the perfect trio! The horny teenage princess girl, the horny teenaged hero guy, and the blubbery, balding comic relief!
Rauru: Cool, I'm a horny teenage hero guy? Really?
DED: Umm...how can I put this...no.
Rauru (just not getting it): But I'm not a princess gir...OOOOOHHHH...I'm the blubbery balding comic relief! *sniff* I've been waiting all my life for someone to recognize my true talent... to recognize me for what I really am...BIG FAT BLUBBERY COMIC RELIEF!
Malon: Don't forget balding.
Rauru: AND _BALDING_! WOOTWOOTWOOTWOOTWOOTWOOT! (spins around on stomach)
Link: (statement finally penetrating peanut-sized brain) Hey, I might be horny and teenaged and heroic, but I'm NOT...umm...what was the fourth thing?
Zelda: *sighing* He called you a guy.
Link: WELL I'M NOT! Oh wait, maybe I am.
Zelda: *snickers* After last night, I'm not so sure.
Link: NO ONE LISTEN! (waves hands in the air) I HAVE FORMED A CONE OF SILENCE! NONE CAN HEAR OUR CONVERSATION!
Zelda: Oh, shut UP....
Link: (yelling at Zelda): WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Impa: Ahh, the young, stupid lovers...Takes me back...
Darunia: So let me get this straight...you two little pervs couldn't wait ONE NIGHT to start humpi...
Link: (covering Darunia's mouth) ....embarking on the Mysterious Journey to the Magic Dinette, right kids?
Saria and Mido: Right!
Link: (getting stared at) Eh hee hee hee...just givin' the facts of life...
FG: ARRH! I hate to re-interrupt THIS tantalizing conversation, but I must now give you the details of your...TERROR TRIAL! (lightning flashes backward)
SFX: DUUUUUNNN DUN DUN?
WG: That's "Trial of Terror."
FG: Arrrh, right. The Trial of Terror! (lightning flashes)
SFX: DUN DUN...
All: We know the drill!
WG: Ahem. First you must go into the jungle and find the... LOST TEMPLE OF...SPORK!
All: WHAAAAAAAAAAA?
Rauru: GHASP! I though it was just a rumor! The holiest of Gorgeinite shines!
Link: The what now?
Rauru: The Gorgeinites. My religion. All is food...food is all...God is food...so sayeth the Cookbible. Oh ye of little faith...the world is my oyster, on the half shell, in linguini. Mmmmm, linguini...
MD: Umm...impressive, I think...
Rauru: ALL HAIL THE MAGIC SPORK! OOOBLEOOOBLEOOOBLEOOOB!
Gannondorf: Please, you're spitting.
Rauru: Wait, WHERE'S MY SPORK???
WG: That's right! We have hidden your precious gorging spork deep within the Temple of Spork, and YOU MUST FIND IT!
Rauru: GHASP! THE HOLY SPORK TAKEN? CRUSADERS! GRAB YER SWORDS!
Zelda: Who, me?
Rauru: SPORKUS LE VOLT!
Link: The who now?
Rauru: It's Latin. 'The Spork Wills It.'
Link: Whatever.
Rauru: GHASP! COME, LEGIONS OF THE SPORK! (jumps on armored war hippo) CHARGE! (barrels off through the forest)
*long pause*
DED: The audience is, frankly, stunned.
MD: Another stupefying Rauru moment.
Zelda: Well.
Link: Well well.
WG: Right. Well, if you should fail on your quest, you'll never see your precious precious spork again!
Zelda: Fine by us.
WG: *sigh* ...and, umm, I'll...CONFISCATE ALL THE HAIR GEL!
Link and Zelda: NOOOOO! NOT THE HAIR GEL!
WG: YES, THE HAIR GEL! _AND_ THE PERT PLUS FORTIFYING SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER FOR FINE HAIR!
Link: Ha! Little do you know that I no longer use Pert Plus Fortifying Shampoo and Conditioner for Fine Hair! I've got the URGE TO HERBAL BABY!
Zelda: Ha! Gotcha there!
WG: *sighs* Fine, if you don't do it I'll kill you.
Link: Ha! Little do you know that your insanity has drained us of our will to live!
WG: DAMMIT! Umm...I'll...RELEASE THE HORRIBLE AND HIGHLY EMBARRASSING MOMENTS REVEALED IN CHAPTER 12, I'VE NEVER!
All: OH NOOOOOO!
DED: Ha! Little do you know that I already typed that up and put it on the Internet for all to see!
WG: Wow, that's evil...kudos, man!
DED: Charmed.
FG: Umm...if you do it, I'll give up saying 'arrrrrh' for a while!
All: YAHOO! GO GO GO!
MD: AY OH! LEZ GO! BLITZKRIEG BOP!
FG: Also, I'll stop Misty D from ever singing again!
All: YAHOO!
MD: Yahoo! Erm, yahoo?
Link: All right, we'll play your twisted game, if only to stop Misty from singing any more.
DED: EEEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXXIT LIGHT! EEEEEEEEEEENTER NIGHT! TAAAAAAAAAAAAKE MY HAND! WE'RE OFF TA NEVER NEVER LAND!
Darunia: That's not to say YOU SHOULD SING EVEN MORE TO MAKE UP FOR IT!
DED: It doesn't?
Darunia: No. It most certainly does not.
Link: Well, better get going then. Rauru is probably dead or something.
Rauru: (off in the distance) Sooo...hungry...haven't eaten in...seconds...(disgusting chewing noises)
Zelda: Or worse.
Saria: Before you go, take this! (hands Link pile of twine)
Link: I think I speak for Zelda as well as myself when I say, 'The hell?'
Saria: Well...you neeeeever knoooooow...
Link: Quit it! You sound like the creepy chick from 'Don't Say a Word!'
Saria: Coooooool.
Zelda: Well. So we have an insane fat guy, me, my lunkheaded lover, sticks, leaves, and a length of twine.
Ruto: What would McGuyver do...?
Link: He'd...make a helicopter out of the leaves, twigs, the fat guy, and the lunkhead, and fly off this island?
Zelda: Well, I'm not McGuyver, and you...you're not smarter than a stump, so I don't think any helicopters will be involved.
Link: Yeah...say, what's a helicopter? And who's McGuyver?
Zelda: No matter. Let's go...
Ganondorf: Wait! You gotta take my contribution! (hands Link dehumidifier)
Zelda: Right. There's going to be AC power in the Temple of Spork to use it.
Ganondorf: Hmm. Well. You could beat something with it...you know there might be spiders in there. Once, I knew this guy, and he said there were spiders that are the size of your hand, and they were all hairy, and it can suck your blood, and they eat human souls, and they can fly, and they're magic. Hit them with the dehumidifier!
Link: Yeah. Right. So...
Skull Kid: WAIT!
All: OKAY!
SK: I HAVE MY NUCLEAR GENERATOR THAT I USED FOR MISTYS BOOM BOX! YOU CAN USE THAT!
MD: Why, he's right!
Impa: Good idea, Skull Kid! Guess the new medication is working!
SK: THAT, AND I HAVENT SAID ANYTHING FOR A WHILE.
Malon: Here, take my brass knuckles too.
Link: Umm... ok...just sit them on top of the dehumidifier...
Ruto: And take my water gun! (sets it on Link's head)
Link: Thank...you...(collapses from weight)
Zelda: Time to go! La la la la la la la la....(skips merrily away)
Link: Help...meee...
*Spinning Triforce logo flies up to screen* DOODELY DOODELY DOO!
*tickety tickety tickety* 9:25 A.M. SOME RANDOM JUNGLE ON SOME RANDOM ISLAND
Zelda: Hey, it's Rauru.
Rauru (leaning on hippo skeleton, picking teeth): *belch* Hi.
Link: Did you eat your war hippo?
Rauru: *glancing around at hippo carcass* No...
Zelda: Thaaat's nice, lets get walking.
Rauru: The what now?
Zelda: Walk-ing. Using your feet for locomotion?
Rauru: Wait, I have FEET? Haven't seen 'em in two centuries! *tries to push away flab in order to see feet, but fails*
Link: Man, your nails must be like eight feet long.
Rauru: Sot THAT'S that stabbing sensation I feel all the time!
Zelda: Eeeeew...let's just go...
Rauru: Gotcha! (rolls along on his flab) *hums* Keep rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin' what? keep rollin' rollin' rollin'...
Link: So...
Zelda: Yeah.
Rauru: GHASP!
Link: What?
Rauru: Vicious hippos!
(numerous red, glowing eyes appear in foliage)
Zelda: EEEEK!
Giant hippo: Grunt...grunt...I am the Borax! I speak for the hippos!
Link: Hi! I'm Link!
Giant hippo: My beef is with the round one!
Rauru: Mmmm...beef...
Giant hippo: Precisely.
Zelda: Umm, Rauru...they've got giant steak knives and bibs!
Rauru: Nonsense! Let us settle this like men and hippos...
Rauru and Giant Hippo: SUMO!!!
Rauru: (rips off clothes to reveal giant jockstrap) HYOOOO!
*Close-up on Rauru's expansive, hairy backside*
Violins from Psycho soundtrack: REET REET REET!
Zelda and Link: NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! IT BURRRRRRNNS!
Giant hippo: Impressive. The Fat is strong with this one...
Rauru: Prepare to fight, giant hippo!
Giant hippo: HYYYYA! (charges Rauru)
Rauru: HYAAA! (charges giant hippo)
*stock footage of giant explosion plays*
Giant hippo: Join me Rauru...join me on the Dark Side of the Fat...
Rauru: Never! *shoves hippo back*
Giant hippo: Rauru.I.am.your.umm.line?
Rauru: Father.
Giant hippo: .father!
Rauru: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! *steps back*
Giant hippo: Ha! I'm not your father! I'm actually your UNCLE! (attacks Rauru)
Zelda: Is there something we should be doing here?
Link: Umm.no. No there is not.
Rauru: OH, REAL HELPFUL! I'M GETTING CRUSHED BY A GIANT HIPPO!
Link: Whaddya want me to do about it!
Rauru: STAB IT OR SOMETHING!
Link: Oh right! *stabs hippo, but sword sinks in to the hilt, bounces back, and hits Link in the head* ::WHONK!:: OW! *passes out*
Zelda: Oh criminy. I'd help you, but I'm too noodely!
Rauru: Who will save me now?
SUDDENLY, A CREEPY LOOKING GUY WITH AN OLD-FASHIONED WINDING REEL CAMERA UP TO HIS FACE APPEARS!
Zelda: Who in tarnation is THIS guy?
JUST THEN, THE CREEPY CAMERA GUY WHACKS THE GIANT HIPPO ON THE HEAD WITH HIS CAMERA!
Giant hippo: Oy!
THEN, THE FREAKY CAMERA GUY HOPS ON AN AUTO-GYRO AND FLIES AWAY!
Rauru: THE HELL?
Zelda: Didn't you ever see "The Adventures of Teddy Ruxpin?"
Link: (waking up) HOLY CREPE PAPER! I REMEMBER THAT SHOW! THERE WAS A CREEPY GUY WITH A HELECOPTER AND A CAMERA WHO WENT AROUND FILMING PEOPLE!
Rauru: Anyway, HAVE AT THEE! *knocks hippo away*
SUDDENLY, THERE'S A HUGE CLIFF RIGHT BEHIND THE HIPPO!
Giant hippo: (falling to its death): The Fat will be with you.alwayssssssssssssssssss! ::sickening thud::
Link: Well.
Zelda: Well well.
Rauru: Wellity wellity wellity.
Link: Yep.
Zelda: Yup.
Rauru: GHASP! WITH A FREAKIN' "H" IN IT!
Link: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah, lets go now.
MEANWHILE:
*tickity tickity tickity* 9:25 A.M. RANDOM ISLAND CABANA
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY
Everyone is watching the action on the TV! All thanks to.THE CREEPY CAMERA GUY!
Saira: KILL THE HIPPO! KILL IT KILL IT MAKE IT DEAD DON'T STOP FOR NOTHIN'!
DED: Uh oh, I think we're going insane.
MD: Why?
DED: Didn't you ever see "SeaLab 2021?"
Saria: LEZ PLAY THE SMASHING GAME! *hefts giant wrench*
Malon: Easy there! *restrains Saria*
DED: The children are always the first to go.
Impa: Wait wait wait! We're all going to go nuts if we just sit here. Let's do something.
Mido: How about a nice, relaxing chant? That'll keep us sane.
Ruto: Ok. I'll start. Ahem. Poop.
Ganondorf: Toot?
Darunia: Pooptoot.
Saria: Poopy.
Malon: Tooty.
SK: POOPTOOT!
Impa: Poop!
Ganondorf: Toot!
Darunia: Pooptoot!
Saria: Poopy.
Malon: Tooty.
SK: POOPTOOT!
Impa: Poop!
Ganondorf: Toot!
Darunia: Pooptoot!
Saria: Poopy.
Malon: Tooty.
SK: POOPTOOT!
Impa: Poop!
Ganondorf: Toot!
Darunia: Pooptoot!
Saria: Poopy.
Malon: Tooty.
DED: SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OOOOPEN, GRIPPIN' YAH PILLOW TIGHT! EEEEXIT LIGHT.
Mido: I SAID KEEP US _SANE!_ _SANE!_
Ruto: Oh right.sorry. DED: HOLY CRUCIAN CARP! THIS CHAPTER'S FOURTEEN PAGES LONG ALREADY!
MD: WE GOTTA TAKE A BREAK!
SK: you all are talking in capitals so much i'll have to talk in all lower case to make up!
DED: What?
SK: OH, NOTHING!
***
What will become of the adventurers? Will Rauru remove the "H" when he gasps? Will anyone give a tinker's damn?
FIND OUT!
Next time on Containment: Link and co. are braving the dangers of the Temple of Spork! And back home, Saria's INSANE IN THA BRAIN!
"Oh no! There's a bridge made out of old photographs and documents, but it's so humid in here that it's shortening their lifespan and causing the bridge to collapse! Whatever shall we do?"
"MANGLE! MAUL! CRUSH! ANHILLIATE! EXPUNGE! FOLD! SPINDLE! MUTILATE! EXPOSE TO TEMPERATURES IN EXCESS OF 140 DIGREES! DO NOT STORE IN A COOL, DRY PLACE! WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
"THE TWINE! I TOLD YOU YOU'D NEED THE TWINE! THE TWINE CONQUERS ALL! BOW BEFORE THE TWINE! SACRIFICE A THOUSAND VIRGINS IN THE NAME OF THE ALL- SEEING TWINE!"