TWENTY-ONE

Archangel, CAMR's Jumpship,
Wotan's Jump Point,
February 12, 3061

I always knew that my decision not to go to New St. Andrews with Evee would damage her heart. I knew that I would sound like an ungrateful barbarian. I could not imagine what she went through to muster a battlemech force strong enough (and foolish enough) to go to Wotan and smite Jerome Helmer in his own home. It must have been a real feat. But maybe it was not. Maybe Evee was a genius, or a very lucky girl. I did not know, and I did not dare to ask. But this much I knew: she did this to be with me.

When I told her that I decided not to go with her plan, she thought it was a joke. Then she realized that I was not capable of making a joke yet. The sparks in her eyes, the highlight that I admired from her the most, simply slipped away. Her smile faded, and her gleaming skin turned dull. It was as if my words had sucked the life out of her. I realized that I did not just damage her. I killed her mentally.

But still, I had to do it.

"How could you?" she whimpered, her voice shook. "How could you do this?"

"Evee, I am a Clan mechwarrior," I tried to explain, but the chance Evee would understand seemed bleak. "No matter what I do or where I am, I will always be a Clan mechwarrior. I tried to fool myself thinking that I could be somebody else. The truth is, I gave us a false hope. Had I stayed at Arc Royal, this would have never happened. You would have never met Jerome Helmer in the most adverse situation I could have imagined."

"But you promised!" she erupted, tears gushing out from her eyes. "You promised to go with me! You never failed your words, Parker! And now you're telling me you want to leave it behind?" She got up, fire in her eyes as if she wanted to burn me alive. "Do you know what I had gone through to get you out of Wotan? Do you know that I gambled with my life just to get enough money to hire this unit? Do you know that I almost gave up my life in the hands of terrorists? And do you know why I didn't, Parker? Because I promised to take you with me! You showed me how to do it, you sonofabitch!"

She lanced at me and punched me in the gut. After what the Elementals did to me for the last 3 years, that punch did not sting a bit. But it did hurt me in a different way. It stabbed me in the heart. Evee fired at me full force, each punch burnt a piece of my mind. I let her do that. When Evee was through with my gut, she went to my face. She hit me like I was a punching bag. It was very un-clan like of me, letting a freeborn disgraced me in a physical contact. But I did not care about it anymore. She could not hurt me the way I hurt her, so I kept my hand steady on my side, until she ran her breath out.

"You promised…" she gasped between her sobs. "You promised…"

I wrapped my arms around her, and she exploded in my chest. Her hands still stroke me, but the power had gone, replaced by sorrow and desperation. In the end her hands clawed at my chest while she soaked my shirt with her tears. I caressed her golden hair, hopefully I could alleviate her pain, even in the smallest way possible.

"Remember three years ago when Jerome Helmer raided Wolfen," I spoke gently. "I wish you have never gone through it. I did the unthinkable, quitting my touman and leaving my comrades behind, along with the pride of Wolf that I should have upheld with utmost dignity. But the greatest mistake I made was I thought I could change what I am, just because I could not remember who I was before. No, Evee. The ghosts of my past will haunt me for as long as I live. Jerome Helmer was one of them. I do not know if there are more Jerome Helmer in my previous life, and the wisest thing for you to do is to avoid it.

"It is not that I regret everything that happened between us, nor I undermine your effort to save me. Moments with you are the best moment of my life, and the thought of you kept me alive through the brutal years of Jade Falcon's bondsmanship. But I will always be a Clan warrior, an embodiment of war. Pain, suffering, and death will always go my way. I cannot change it, and I cannot let you be a part of it."

I did not know if Evee understood or not. I expected she would fight to deny it. But she stopped hitting me. After a long pause, she pushed herself off of my embrace and looked at me in the eye. She might have swallowed some of my explanation, and then she might not. But her eyes were still burning with wrath.

"Arrogant jerk! Who do you think you are that you can control the course of life? I'm a mechwarrior, Parker. I am bound to suffer and die just like any other mechwarriors. What would it matter if I die vainly in the hand of some Clanner scumbag or die in a blaze of glory? What do you care? You've taken hundreds of lives. What would it matter if you lost another one?"

"It matters because it is yours."

I did not know the true meaning of this simple testimony. It just slipped off my mouth. But I knew it was true. It made me thinking: why did I feel obligated to preserve a freeborn's life? Was she that important to me, or was it just because I felt compelled? Why, of all possibilities, I chose the most painful way for me and for Evee just because I wanted her to have the best outcome? Or was everything she said true?

"You don't understand a thing about human life," she hissed. "You made a promise but you don't know what you promised to do. But that's just the way you are, isn't it? Like you said, you'll always be a Clanner. Just get out, Parker. Get out and leave me alone."

Just like I had foreseen, I failed to make her see things my way. Being alone might help her, but I doubted she would ever accept my account. As I closed the door behind me, I started to see the future of our relationship: she would always remember me as a liar. And the worst part was, I did what I did to save her from danger. It was an irony that I had to live with as long as I lived. Maybe Spheroid's life was not always black-and-white as Clanner's life. Or maybe I did not understand a thing about Spheroids, just like Evee said.


Archangel, CAMR's Jumpship,
Wotan's Jump Point,
February 13, 3061

Just before we were ready for a jump off Wotan system, the CAMR ship was getting an unexpected call from the Jade Falcon. Actually it was not all that unexpected. Losing a battle with a Spheroid unit in their own home, no matter how dishonorable the Spheroid fought, was a disgrace. So they did the only thing that would restore their honor: a Clan Trial. It was unexpected because it took Jerome Helmer 2 days to do it.

"Inner Sphere barbarians," Jerome spoke over the main comlink. "This is Star Colonel Jerome Helmer of the Jade Falcon. You dishonorably attacked us without warning, and you stole something that is my possession. I will not let this outrage go without punishment. I hereby issue a Trial of Possession against you and your entire force. I bid my nova to this trial."

"My name is Rick," the commander replied in a casual way. "I am the commanding officer of Combined Arms Mercenary Regiment. From what I heard, Star Colonel, you didn't acquire your bondsman in an honorable way. You issued your trial with your gun on his head. That was a mistrial, hence your possession of your bondsman is invalid. I simply took what was not yours."

"You are the lowest kind of freebirths," Jerome shot a smile of arrogance. "You mercenaries defile the sanctity of war with your greed. Your accusation only proves your lack of knowledge about our culture. But I guess that is the farthest your rudimentary mind can comprehend, quiaff?"

"Quite the contrary," Rick responded. "By holding a gun on his head, you eliminated his chance to bid for a fair trial. You forced him to fight a trial which benefited you whatever the outcome might be. I don't know what you call it in your language, Star Colonel, but in my language we call it chickenshit."

"Call me all the names you want," Jerome started to show his rage, "but your words do not prove anything. My motion stands. You will fight me on Wotan. The winner may resume the possession of Star Commander Darien Kerensky."

"Yet it proves my point," Rick flashed a derogatory smile. "Fighting you in your home town. Even if you win, what honor does it give you?"

"Honor is not a factor in our squabble, freebirth!" Jerome flared. "You dishonorably attacked my base, so I am not bound with code of honor anymore. You will fight my trinary plus a binary of Elementals within five-day time, here in Wotan. I will send you the coordinate of my circle of equal. If you fail to meet my demand, it means you do not have a quality to solve our dispute as a warrior. I will acquire my bondsman myself by taking my nova to New St. Andrews."

This move was not unexpected at all. Somehow I knew Jerome would bring Evee's home to press Rick. Evee's cheeks twitched and her arms clutched, but Rick remained calm. I remembered that Commander Rick was a skillful negotiator, and he was well versed in Clan trial. I did not remember how good Jerome was. By the way he used violence to force his opponent to bow to his demand, I suspected Jerome was a fair negotiator and a ruthless warrior.

"Your fight is with me, Jerome," I interjected. "Let us finish it without including these people."

"I do not wish to negotiate with a bondsman," he scoffed. "You do not have anything my interest."

"Then I will meet you on your designated coordinate," Rick responded, gesturing me to back down. "You have the advantage of home, so I will bid my entire force against your nova. I will bring a company of battlemechs, one company of armor, and one wing of aerospace fighters. In addition to that, I will have Parker fight on my side."

"Your force is fine," Jerome showed a superior smile, "except Darien Kerensky. He is still my bondsman. He is not to take part in this fight."

"Why?" Rick quipped. "You won't negotiate with him, you won't fight him. I see that you are trying to get a bargain by excluding him in every way. Maybe I ought to bring him to battle. He can be my lucky charm."

"Your approach disgusts me, freebirth!" Jerome snarled. "My decision stays! Darien Kerensky is not to take part in this fight! Defy me, barbarian, and you will suffer the consequences!"

"Alright, if you're that terrified of him," Rick turned to me in a casual way. "Sorry Parker, you have to sit this one out."

I had no choice but to yield to Jerome's demand.

"Then it is settled," Jerome concluded. "I expect you to honor our agreement. I will see you on the battlefield."

As soon as Jerome disappeared from the main screen, Rick called Evee and me to meet him in the briefing room. Some mechwarriors, including Wade Avery, had waited when we came in. Wade still remembered me. He gave me a nod when he saw me, but the situation prevented him to do more than that. The lively attitude of Rick had gone, replaced by gravity. I guessed he intentionally acted easygoing just to annoy Jerome. It worked beautifully.

"Commander, you don't know how much I appreciate your avoidance of my hometown into this fight," Evee said when she arrived. "I know this fight is way off your contract parameter. I can't pay you now, but I will find money for your service. Just give me some time. I can work it out."

"You seem to have forgotten about me completely, Evee," Rick smirked. "This is not about your contract anymore. This asshole cannot be let roam the Inner Sphere. The fact that he waited 2 days before he issued his trial was an indication that he would not play fair. He's up to something. I smell his treachery reeking all over his voice. Parker, you fought him before. Do you remember anything at all about it?"

I wish I did. I tried hard to bring any memory alive, but I had never been successful. "No. All I have are stories from Phelan Kell. I was told that I fought him for 2 weeks, and eventually managed to bleed his force before he challenged me to a Trial of Possession. I was told that he cheated the trial, but I could not recall what he did exactly."

"What do you know about Wotan?" Ian Reeves tuned in.

"It is a rocky planet with a lot of mineral. Most of terrain comprises of rock and mining sites. Some terrain does have woods and oceans, but they are minimal."

"He must've chosen Wotan for a purpose," Rick mused. "He must know every corner of the planet, and he's using it to his advantage. He expects us to falter in a battlefield foreign to us. Or his forces are burrowed underneath the surface, ready to attack if needed. If we're not careful, we could be walking right into his killing fields."

"Then our fighters must have good eyes," Wade suggested. "They must find enemy's position early in the battle. In the mean time, we need to prepare ourselves against any odds. The Jade Falcons have better mechs and better knowledge of the battlefield. Only excessive simulations will put us in the same footing with the Clanners."

"Right," Rick shot up. "I want everybody in the simulator now. We only have 4 days to prepare the trial. I want Joe and his Wolfhound Legion take the center stage in the simulation. They've been our back up, but now our lives depend on them."

"Is there anything I can do, Commander?" I called him. "This battle concerns me, so I want to participate."

"You heard him, Parker. He doesn't want to fight you. The time will come for you to settle your score, but this war is mine. Just sit tight and let us do the work."

"What about me?" Evee added. "Are you gonna ground me too?"

"You can join us," Rick replied. "But if I were you, I'd stay close to Parker. This war is built around him, and there's nothing Jerome wants more than Parker. He might be using this trial as a diversion from his secret plan. I don't like surprises in a battle. I need you more as a back up than a front-line warrior."

"Then I'll do that," Evee said. "Although I wish I had a chance to kick his ass."

The CAMR left us alone in the briefing room. Evee came to me, her eyes sparkling with anticipation. "If we win this trial," she said, holding my arm in the earnest. "If we kill Jerome, would you reconsider coming with me to New St. Andrews?"

I always admired her persistence. She had a quality to be a great leader and a great mechwarrior, and I ached to go with her. But the encounter with Jerome changed my perspective. It was lucky that we had not gone far from Wotan when Jerome decided to challenge us. I could not imagine if he did come to New St. Andrews.

"Evee," I exhaled. "If I can get my memory back, I would reconsider coming with you anywhere you want. But even if it was the case, I could not be sure that I posed no danger to you, your home, or any other people that is close to you. Have you overlooked Jerome's threat to come to your home planet? Are you willing to sacrifice your home in exchange of me?"

Evee stared at me blankly, but I knew that everything finally seeped in her common sense. She averted her eyes, staring at the floor for a long time, then decided to accept my reasoning. "Why do you have to be a Kerensky, Parker? Why can't you be a Steiner, a Davion, a Liao, a Marik, or a Kurita? Why can't you be a MacGregor, for God sake?"

"I do not know the answer," I replied. As a matter of fact, I did not know if it was real or rhetorical. There were some things about Spheroids that I could not quite understand. "I wish I knew."

"You don't have to answer that, stupid!" she smacked my arm, and for the first time in two days I saw her smiling. "In all honestly, I'd rather you be a Kerensky than anything else. You're blunt, simple, and honest. Even if I don't get to be with you, at least I have a memento of you as a straightforward man."

Her comply was a big relieve for me. I wanted her to understand that it was hard for me to do this, but I had to do it. She might still fight my reasoning, but at least she had accepted the fact that we had to part. It was enough for now. I hoped, when she got older and wiser, she would finally understand everything.