Now
I wake to a quiet room, through blurry, heavy lidded eyes I see Imogen's sleeper is empty and roll over to find an empty bed, just a folded note on my husband's pillow.
couldn't bear to wake you, we're in the kitchen. - xo J
I smile, turning onto my back and stretching before burrowing under the covers intent on enjoying the peace and quiet for just a little bit longer. I close my eyes and smile as I think about last night, the peace and harmony I felt as I drifted off to sleep in my husband's strong embrace. Part of me wishes I'd woken up the same way, but I know better, it's after eight and my children aren't in bed with me. That doesn't happen by itself. I lay in my bed, eyes still closed, dreamily hovering just under the surface of wakefulness, replaying last night as I doze. Too soon I hear the bedroom door open and the sounds of my husband trying to soothe our fussy baby. I register him setting Imogen down in the sleeper just before I feel the mattress sink next to me, under my his weight. I keep my eyes closed half pretending to be asleep and half not ready to let go of my drowsy musings and, perhaps, a little fearful that my bubble of tranquility will burst. But I needn't be worried, I realize, when I feel his lips on my forehead and then my cheek before they capture my own.
I snake a hand around his neck, holding him close as our lips move together and I smile against his mouth as I feel the stirrings of something I haven't felt in weeks, desire. It's still too soon, I think wistfully as I pull away and whisper "good morning."
"Good morning, beautiful," he responds, resting his forehead against mine, his broad grin tugging at his eyes. "I waited as long as I could to wake you, but someone is hungry." He whispers.
I smile registering, for the first time since waking, the soreness of my full breasts, aching to be expressed. I stretch again, arching my back off of the mattress, a move that would have been painful just one week ago but is now infinitely satisfying and I moan with pleasure before sitting up and leaning heavily into Jace. Sighing contentedly as my head lands on his shoulder and I inhale, smelling him, still musky with sleep but with an added scent of fresh coffee. I love this smell, it's uniquely him and only I get to experience it.
He rubs my back, fingers combing through the tangles in my long hair and I sigh happily. He's more present in this moment together than he's been since before Imogen was born. He's here with me, focused on me, and supporting me both emotionally and physically. The last time I remember feeling this content was the night before the baby was born, slow dancing and daydreaming in the living room. I inhale deeply again, and just as I realize that I could just fall back to sleep like this, Imogen squawks, no longer wanting to wait for her breakfast.
"You can stay in bed," Jace whispers, not wanting to disturb my peace, "I'll bring Momo to you." He offers sweetly.
I laugh a little, still unsure of the nickname for Imogen that has emerged in the last few days courtesy of her older sister. So far I've resisted it, but I may not be able for much longer, especially if Jace starts using it. "Mmm, tempting," I say, "but I'll get up and join the living." I tell him, sitting back and kissing his lips again before adding, "thanks for letting me sleep in though."
"Anytime," he says shifting to stand as I do the same.
He kisses my forehead, before heading for the door as I go to use the bathroom. I return to my room, shedding my nightgown in favor of leggings and one of Jace's blue oxford shirts, before stuffing my feet into slippers and scooping up the baby. She fusses and whines as we walk down the hallway and stairs toward the kitchen and my body responds, as much as she wants to be fed, I need to nurse her. "I know baby girl," I whisper as I cuddle her. "I feel your pain." I tell her as I round the corner and I find father and daughter huddled together at the island coloring intently, a half full bowl of freshly cut melon between them.
They both look up. "Mommy's up!" Eli says excitedly.
"Good morning to you too," I say as I approach her, taking the long way around the island to drop a kiss on the crown of her head as I walk by.
"It's time for waffles!" She exclaims, bouncing in her seat as she looks at Jace.
"So it is," Jace says with a smile, standing up and walking around the island to where I am retrieving a mug in which to pour coffee. "Here," he says, taking my cup, "you go sit and feed the baby, I'll get you coffee."
"Thank you!" I say gratefully, pecking him on the lips with a smile before I shuffle over to the table, doing as I'm told. I settle into the armchair, unbuttoning my shirt and arranging the baby. I lean back, sighing as she eagerly latches on, and enjoy the view of my family on a lazy Saturday morning.
"How about you pumpkin," he says redirecting is attention to Eli, "would you like to sit with Mum and Momo and keeping working on your drawing or watch me make the waffles?"
"Mm," she hums making a big show of thinking as Jace stirs milk into my coffee. As much as she loves waffles there is little room in the process for her to help. Unlike pancakes where she gets to dictate different shapes and sizes, waffles are uniformly rectangular and made in the ancient, cast iron waffle iron, that Jace inherited from his grandmother and is set directly over the flame. If I have my way she'll be in her late teens before she goes anywhere near it. "Mummy!" She says brightly, making her choice and raising her arms as Jace comes back around the island coffee cup in hand.
He grabs her outstretched hands swinging her to the floor in a well practiced maneuver without spilling a single drop of coffee. Once her feet are planted she darts to me as he grabs her drawing and crayons, moving them across the room. She sidles up to me, peering at the baby, who is suckling away. "Good mooring Momo." She says softly before gently petting the baby's head, well as gently as a three, almost four, year old can. I smile at them, hormones getting the better of me as I feel my eyes well as she turns away, attempting to crawl into her booster seat.
Jace catches it too, smiling happily as set sets my coffee and Eli's things on the table. "Come on pumpkin," he says lifting her into her seat, kissing her head, before he moves to kiss my lips and head back to the stove to make our waffles.
"Whatcha drawing sweetheart?" I ask, the page obstructed by her little body.
"A picture of Bea to hang up in Momo's room." she says sweetly leaning back so that I can see as she grabs a new crayon.
I smile, she clearly had some help from Jace outlining Bea's ears and face, but she's done a lot of the rest by herself. "Very nice," I tell her, "is that the backyard?" I ask, recognizing our big oak tree.
"Yes!" she says, excited that her picture is so recognizable.
"I think Momo will love it." I tell her as she goes back to coloring.
"You're giving in?" Jace asks, noticing my use of Imogen's new nickname.
I look up to answer, and can't help but smile. Bedheaded and dressed in faded pyjama pants and a well worn Institute tshirt that I have a soft spot for, he is the portrait of domesticity, standing over the stove and tending to his waffles, dishtowel draped over his shoulder. This moment is certainly nothing new, we've spent many a Saturday or Sunday doing exactly this, but today it's particularly sweet.
"See something you like?" He teases when I don't answer his question.
"You know how much I love your waffles." I shoot back, with a wink.
"Daddy's waffles are the best!" Eli adds helpfully, "do you think Momo will like them?" she queries after a moment.
I can't help but laugh a little at how seriously she asks the question. "I bet she will once she's older, she still a little too small to try them though." I explain looking at the baby on my breast.
"How big was I when I had waffles first?" Eli asks.
"Hmm," I feign thinking for a minute, "I'd say you were about ten months old, not quite one." I tell her, remembering the first time Jace made waffles.
We'd just moved into the house and it was the first place we'd really chosen to live in (and actually made it to living in) together and, according to Jace, his first real home since moving out of his parents. Sure he'd kept a crash pad in London for a while and briefly one in LA, my little apartment in Boston served us well and we'd made our rental here homey for the year we lived there, but this was the first place he'd really consolidated all of his belongings in a decade. I'll never forget the look on his face and the excitement in his eyes when he opened a box and found the waffler. Sure enough the next morning I woke up to a scene not dissimilar from this morning's. Jace was eagerly making waffle after waffle animatedly talking Eli through the whole process as she sat in her high chair alternately sucking on and drumming with a wooden spoon, babbling and giggling at her daddy's antics.
That morning we had waffles made from three different recipes, Jace carefully recording tasting notes. The following weekend we had two more, as he was endeavoring to craft the perfect waffle. He eventually landed on his signature recipe, which, by the way, is top secret, but somewhere during his quest weekend waffles became a Herondale breakfast tradition, every Saturday (or occasionally Sunday), nearly without fail and he's carted that waffle iron across oceans to uphold it.
"That's a long time away," Eli says thoughtfully, interrupting my memory as she tries to work the math and the time out.
"I guess it is." I agree, knowing in reality when Imogen has her first waffle this conversation will feel like it was yesterday.
The true test of our recently recovered domestic bliss comes an hour later, after we've finished breakfast and adjourned to the couch to watch cartoons with Eli. Jace is resting half reclined, Imogen curled up, almost cat like on his chest sleeping soundly. As the credits roll he turns to me, quietly asking what was on my agenda for the day. I smile at him, drinking down the last of my coffee and buying myself a moment to think before responding.
"I need to set up the guest room and go to the grocery store," I explain, wondering if he'll protest, "other than that, not much what did you have in mind?"
"Do you want company?" He asks conversationally. It's truly an offer I can turn down.
"I can handle the shops," I answer, "I'll even let Seamus drive me if you'd like." I add throwing Jace a bone.
"That sounds good," he says nodding, "I still owe E from Tuesday maybe I'll take her to the z-o-o," he spells not wanting Eli to know what he's talking about. "Word on the street is that the new baby p-o-l-a-r b-e-a-r-s have officially made their debut."
I smile, "she'll love that," I tell him, as I look over at my oldest, she's still completely engrossed in the TV and not at all paying attention to us.
"Do you want me to take this one too?" He asks, looking down at Imogen and softly caressing her head., before dropping a feather light kiss on her crown.
It's a painfully adorable moment and I feel the smile spread across my lips as I answer. "No, I'll keep her with me, she's easy enough hide in the wrap and I don't want you guys to be at the mercy of her feeding schedule, which is becoming more unpredictable by the day."
Jace looks at me curiously, "The wrap? can you do that by yourself?" He asks with a playful grin.
"Yes!" I say indignantly, stretching my leg across the sofa and poking him with my toes.
He grabs at them with one hand, his other still securely resting on the baby's back, a laugh rises in his chest and she squirms at the movement beneath her. "Hey, I'm just saying it took you a few tries last time and it's been awhile." He says quietly, trying not to disturb Imogen further.
I start to laugh, remembering Jace and I trying to figure out the baby wrap when Eli was around this age, maybe a bit older. After a failed attempt to don it alone, there was a valiant attempt by Jace that ended with him doubled over on the bed in hysterics while Eli and I sat next to him straight-jacketed together, me laughing almost as hard and the baby seemingly confused. When he finally freed us, after insisting on a few pictures "for posterity", neither he nor I could not stop laughing, Eli was loving every minute of it, it was the first time she smiled. Much later, after more than one YouTube video we figured it out. Eventually I did manage to get the hang of it on my own, but he's right, it's been awhile.
"I bet I can still do it." I say confidently. "But maybe I'll try before you leave just to make sure."
A short time later, as Imogen naps after her second breakfast, I stand before the mirror in my bathroom, still warm from my shower, my hands sliding across my skin, lathering it with coconut oil. When my fingers trace my c-section scar I wonder, for the first time since Imogen's birth, what Jace will think of it. Will it forever be a reminder of the the traumatic way our second child came into this world?
At that thought the man in question opens the door, poking his head in and startling me. I pull my towel back up around my body as he apologizes for scaring me and tells me that he and Eli are probably going to head out in half an hour. I smile at him, but there must be something in the look on my face, because Jace comes into the bathroom, stands behind me and wraps his arms around my waist, dropping a light kiss on my bare shoulder before his lips brush a path to my neck and I feel his teeth nibble playfully. I smile and giggle leaning in him.
"Penny for your thoughts, beautiful?" He whispers in my ear.
"Hmm," I hum, indulging in the feeling of being this close to him. "They're hardly worth that much." I tease.
"I doubt that, very much." He counters.
I watch him in the mirror, smiling as I do. "Just thinking about how things are different this time around, how different my recovery has been."
"Do you feel ok?" He asks seriously.
"Quite," I say quickly "better than I have in weeks," I tell him honestly, "it's just," I hedge, "I look different." I tell him.
"Of course you do, my love, you just had a baby."
"Really? I had no idea." I tease rolling my eyes."
"You're body is still healing, finding its new normal, you know as well I do that this is healthy and that it takes time." He explains, "Clary, you are an incredibly beautiful woman and the marks motherhood has left on you has only made you more beautiful. Since the night you told me you were pregnant with Eli I've watched you body change and grow and adapt to what our children needed and to what you needed. It's a miracle and every new curve or scar tells our story." He says softly as his fingers trace those curves. "I have loved you and found you unbearably sexy through every stage, so never doubt that I love this Clary and I'll love the next one and the one after that."
I feel his lips on my neck again as his arms tighten around me, and I lean deeper into him savoring the safety I feel in his arms and the love I feel from him, I sigh contentedly and feel the warm dampness of breast milk soaking my towel.
"What?" He asks, as my nose wrinkles and I whine, clearly ready to continue to sing my womanly praises.
"My boobs are leaking." I sulk, with a shallow laugh.
"Oh yea?" He teases suggestively, laughing as he squeezes me tighter and kisses my neck, sucking lightly.
I laugh musically nudging him with an elbow, playfully trying to get away from him. Something no one told me when I had a baby was that your milk will let down and your breasts will leak when you get excited. I discovered this the first time Jace and I had sex after Eli was born, and he ended up getting something of a breast milk facial. I laugh at the memory, remembering the moment of shock for both of us, I was horrified and he was fascinated.
"Daaaddy," I hear from the door, interrupting my memory, "what are you doing?" she asks as we straighten up.
"I'm telling Mommy how pretty she is." He answers squeezing me one last time and kissing me on the cheek before releasing me. "Don't you think Mommy's pretty?" He asks as he grabs her and lifts her into his arms, tickling her as he does.
She giggles wildly for a moment before settling comfortably in his arms and resting her head on his shoulder and looking at me studiously. "Mommy's the pwettiest." she says sweetly.
I can't help but laugh and smile as I walk towards them, leaning in to kiss and tickle my little girl as I push them backwards through the door. "Ok, enough you two," I say "don't you guys have a father daughter adventure to embark on?"
"Yes!" Eli answers excitedly.
"Did you finish putting your toys away?" Jace asks, cocking an eyebrow at her. While my mother was staying she started teaching Eli to tidy up her room, a task which Jace has eagerly taken over since her departure. Eli nods. "Alright," he says, "lets go have a look." He lets her down and turns to me as she takes off. "The prettiest." He whispers kissing me again before he departs.
I get dressed, put on some light makeup and start to dry my hair, while Jace inspects Eli's room. They return, just as I hear the baby start to fuss, done with her nap and ready for a diaper change. He tosses something on the bed before gently lifting her from her sleeper, trying to soothe her as he changes her diaper. I walk towards them and recognize the pile of charcoal gray fabric as the baby wrap, and as soon as I see it I realize I can still visualize exactly how to put it on.
"I think she's hungry again." I tell him, when the dry diaper doesn't calm her. "Come here, baby girl," I coo as I reach for her. He passes Imogen to me and she burrows into my chest, "oh, I know my love." I add as I move to sit in the rocking chair by the window. "You guys don't have to wait, I can do the wrap myself, I'm sure of it, and I don't know how long she'll be" I explain offering the baby my breast.
"You sure?" he asks. I nod my head in response. "Call me if you need anything." He says, bending down and palming my cheek as he kisses me soundly. "I love you." he says softly.
"I love you too." I whisper back, pecking his lips once more before he stands up and steps away.
"Eli, pumpkin, say goodbye to Mommy and Momo." He tells her as he moves to his nightstand, collecting his wallet, watch, and assorted loose change, when he rolls the tiny screwdriver between his thumb and forefinger before pocketing it, I can't help but smile. I'd never expected him to carry it with him all these years.
"Bye Mommy, bye Momo" Eli says quickly, giving me a kiss before bounding back over to Jace and leaping into his arms.
"Have fun you guys!" I say as they head out the door.
The shopping was uneventful, though a lengthy owing to the baby's increasingly voracious appetite. Having nursed her shortly before we left I'd hoped to have a three hour window in which to accomplish the tasks before me, but, Imogen had other ideas, wanting a lazy snack in between each of our destinations. I'd forgotten how tricky balancing these outings could be at this age, but fortunately she was more than happy to snooze, snuggled into my chest and away from prying eyes, while I was in the shops.
By the time we got home I was wiped out, I got the my groceries put away and quickly checked my email before deciding to take advantage of my quiet, empty house and retreating to my bedroom for a nap while Jace and Eli were still out. I gently transfer Imogen from her car seat to the bed, careful not to wake her as I settle in next to her, I watch her sleep, dozing myself, letting my mind drift back to when Eli was this small, how afternoon naptime became a sacred time for Jace and I to connect with each other, whether it was just snuggling and sleeping or more.
The first time we had sex after Eli was born was during afternoon naptime, I'd just put Eli down for what I hoped would be at least a ninety minute nap before crawling into bed myself, eager for my own rest. Jace came in a short time later, having given up on reading the latest script he'd been sent. He'd called it garbage as he crawled into bed with me kissing my lips as he settled in next to me. It was the first time we were alone in bed together during naptime, all of our parents had recently gone back to their own lives and the baby was fast asleep in her crib instead of in my arms or snoozing on Jace's chest and when I felt his lips move against mine I just wanted more. It had been weeks, easily the longest we'd gone without sex for at least a year and while I'd fretted about post-baby sex in the previous few weeks, that afternoon I'd completely forgotten my fears, instead I was just consumed by desire. It was a completely unplanned, I can't even guarantee that we waited the full, doctor recommended, four weeks (though we were close). Which in some ways was a good thing, the spontaneity of the encounter allowed me to forget all the fears and anxiety that had plagued me. We took it slow, Jace relearning my body, working through my insecurities and mild discomfort and letting me lead and in the end, the sex was incredible, there wasn't anything specifically different, everything just felt, better. I'd been so lost in new sensation that I was caught completely off guard when I looked down and saw both he and I were covered in breast milk. After a moment of embarrassment, Jace ran his thumb over one of my nipples, before putting it to his lips, tongue darting out to taste. "It's sweet." He observed with a wistful smile as I collapsed in a fit of giggles on top of him. It was fun and fulfilling and in that one afternoon naptime became sacred.
Sometimes it was innocent, huddling together under the covers, whispering and giggling, proudly recounting the cute things Eli had done that morning. Sometimes we rolled around, making out like teenagers, until the baby cried and we couldn't believe an hour had elapsed. Sometimes the baby would sleep longer and we'd spend an hour and a half on a combination of all three, intimately reaffirming the bonds of our relationship and drawing on them to recharge and fortify each other. I wonder, if now that we have two, these lazy, loving afternoons are a thing of the past. With that thought the baby starts to wake and fuss, hoping she'll settle I quickly pull her closer, unbutton my shirt and offer her my breast. She latches on and contentedly suckles as I continue to doze and daydream until she's had her fill and falls peacefully back to sleep, me not far behind her.
I wake sometime later warm and wrapped in my husbands arms, I lay there, eyes closed for a moment just enjoying it before I register his breathing and realize he is, most likely, not asleep.
"Mmm," I hum, "when did you get home?" I ask quietly.
"About twenty minutes ago," he answers "E passed out in the car on the way home and stayed asleep when I carried her in, so I didn't fight it."
"Sounds like a successful trip." I say, finally opening my eyes glancing across the bed and seeing it empty. "Where's Momo?" I ask through a yawn as I roll into Jace and onto my back.
"She's in her sleeper," he tells me looking down at me, brushing his fingers across my forehead and moving my hair away from my eyes. "How did you two do?" He asks softly.
"Good, it took twice as long as I thought it would though." I tell him
"Why is that?" He asks, concern materializing on his face as his arm comes to rest across my stomach.
"She was fussy and hungry." I start.
"Cluster feeding?" He asks, "Eli was about the same age when she started." He points out.
"So it seems." I answer, smiling at the fact that he too remembers those details.
I crane my neck to kiss him, wrapping my hand around his neck and feeling his hair between my fingers, I kiss him languidly. He responds, tongue slipping past my lips as he deepens the kiss. I turn my body into his, wanting to feel more of him against me, smiling into his lips as I gently pull at his hair. He moans and I feel his lips slow down before he moves away, kissing the tips of my nose as he does. He knows as well as I do that this time I need the doctor's okay before we can go much further.
"So what did Eli think of the polar bears?" I ask, trying to distract myself.
"She's already planning a return trip, she thinks Momo will really like them." He says with a smile, "When I told her I wasn't sure Momo was old enough she insisted we spent forty minutes in the shop picking out the best stuffed approximation of her favorite cub to bring home to her."
I can't help but beam as I laugh at his story, "she's such a sweet kid, like a good person." I observe proudly. "Did we do that? Where do you think she gets it from?" I ask.
He laughs too "she is isn't she? I think she gets it from you." He says.
"Really?" I ask. Propping myself up on my elbow as he rolls into his back. "I think it's probably more you."
"Really." He tells me looking up at me, "you're one of the kindest, strongest, most selfless people I know."
"I'm not sure I'm all that selfless," I tell him, shifting to lay on his chest, arms pillowing my head, eyes on his as he watches me. "And, furthermore, is say the same about you. Kind, strong, selfless. Check, check, check. Why do you think I let you knock me up?" I finish with a playful smile.
He laughs under me "oh is that why?" He says as his arms fall around my back.
"Eh. That and you were pretty hot." I tease him with a wink.
"I was, was I?" He says laughing harder. "But no longer?"
"Well you do kind of have that dad bod thing going on-" I'm cut off when he starts to tickle my waist, I giggle gleefully.
"I do not!" He argues playfully.
I smile, urging him to stop and caress his cheek, "of course you don't, you are more beautiful today than you were the day I met you, age looks good on you." I tell him sincerely. "I love you." I add, leaning in to kiss his lips.
He smiles into my kiss as his lips dance across mine playfully before pulling away. "I hadn't realized how much I've missed this." He says warmly as he lays back.
"Me too." I whisper, snuggling into his side, rest my head on his chest and my hand over his heart. We stay like that for a long time, enjoying the peace and quiet and closeness, it would be easy to fall back to sleep, but instead I lay awake, luxuriating in how it feels to spend time with my husband like this.
Eventually my mind wanders to the email that was waiting in my inbox, when I returned from the grocery store, a lengthy response from Johnny about the letter I'd received last week. Until that moment it had completely slipped my mind again and as I read my brother's assessment I realized I now needed to reassess my course of action. Yesterday I was sure I wanted to meet this man but today everything feels different. I'd thought that the meeting him would help Jace move past this awful experience, but today that doesn't seem necessary. But now I worry about letting this chance pass me by, what if next week we're back to arguing and putting distance between one another? But at the same time, what if merely bringing up the idea of a meeting throws us off balance again.
"Can I ask you something?" I say quietly, not moving a muscle.
"Of course love, anything." He tells me and I feel his body shift a bit to look at me.
I shift too, looking into his eyes hoping to find a clue to the answer before I even ask the question.
"What is it?" He asks softly, a puzzled look passing over his features as he runs the palm of his hand down my upper arm.
I don't even know where to begin. We've talked a bit about the barrage of pending lawsuits that our lawyers have been working on, but not a lot. I'm CC'd on the litany of emails that fly back and forth on a daily basis, so I am up to date, though I must confess, I rarely give them a close read. "It's just after last night I don't even know how to approach this." I say quietly, doubt and fear creeping into the tone of my voice.
"Clary, you and I can handle whatever comes at us, you just have to tell me what's wrong, love." he says, clearly ill at ease with this conversation.
I nod my head, "you're right," I say, looking into his eyes as I sit up. "Come with me?" I ask as I rise from the bed.
He nods and follows, grabbing the baby monitor as I check on Imogen, still fast asleep in her bassinet. I pull him down the hall and into my office, where the letter is still carefully stowed in the same moleskine notebook. He remains standing as I perch on the edge of the desk, opening the notebook extracting the letter, envelope and all. I hand it to him and watch his face as he studies the envelope, looking for an sign of recognition as he studies the handwriting and the postmark. There isn't one, this is as unfamiliar to him as it was to me.
"What is this?" he asks before going further.
"Just read it," I tell him, pausing briefly "and keep an open mind." I implore.
He pulls out the pages and I watch as his eyes flit across the page, moving back and forth a few times before moving back up the page, starting over, trying to understand. I can tell when he figures out who the letter is from, by the way he drops heavily into my desk chair not taking his eyes off the page. I watch intently as he reads through to the end and then immediately flips back to the beginning, rereading the handwritten text, just as I did.
When he finishes reading the second time he just stops at the end and stares at the at the salutation "Sincerely and remorsefully yours" when he finally looks up, his expression is unreadable as his eyes meet mine before flatly asking.
"Clary, how long have you had this?"
"Just Over a week." I answer, "it came in last Friday's mail, but I didn't actually read it and find out what it was until Monday." I further explain. "After that, I could just never find the right time to share it with you." I say sadly. "Did you know?" I ask him.
"I did I know what?" he says in a tone that borders on annoyed and suddenly he just looks tired.
"Did you know that he had tried to reach out? That he is having such a difficult time coping with the events of that day? That he thinks he's done far more harm than he actually has? Or how sorry he is?" I ask some of the questions that have been plaguing me all week, the confusion and agitation in my voice escalating with each new question.
He doesn't answer right away, instead he looks back down at the letter and his eyes skim over it, jumping around taking in different passages before drifting closed. "No," he says almost inaudibly, shaking his head, "I had no idea."
He lets the letter fall, drifting delicately to the floor as his head drops into his hand. I kneel down in front of him, palming his cheek and urging him to look at me. "I want to meet him." I say firmly, surprising myself, it's a statement not a question. I watch him, my eyes fixed on his, holding his gaze. I see fear flutter through his eyes and for a moment I'm sure he's going to simply say no.
But he doesn't say anything, instead he pulls me towards him and onto his lap, hugging me to him as I wrap my arms around his neck burying my face in the crook of his neck as he buries his in my hair. We stay like that for what could be an eternity but it surely just a moment before he leans back, his eyes searching mine. I lift a hand to smooth the worry lines along his brow letting my hand linger at his neck, thumb caressing his jaw, as I lean in, capturing his lips with mine. His lips part for me and my tongue sweeps into his mouth, meeting his as they begin a well practiced dance. Eventually he pulls back, leaning his forehead against mine, I keep my eyes closed, reveling on our closeness as I smile drifts across my lips.
"Ok," he whispers, "let's meet him." he adds just as Momo howls through the baby monitor.
Then
"So I'll see you on Friday morning at the airport and we'll drive up to Cruden together?" I say as our conversation winds down.
I'd called to "finalize" my travel plans for his birthday weekend. Little does he know I am at the airport about to board a flight that will land me on his doorstep tomorrow morning.
"I can't wait to see you." I hear him say and I can hear the smile in his voice.
"Are you doing anything tomorrow to celebrate?" I ask, still trying to misdirect.
"Maybe a drink down the pub with a few people from the film," he offers, "but I doubt much more, weather was not cooperating today and we're behind on tonight's night shoot." It's midnight now, I'll be lucky if I'm in bed by four."
"I'm sorry to hear that." I say, knowing his full schedule this week already, thanks to Mary. "Do you at least have a late call time tomorrow?"
"Mercifully, yes." He sighs, "not till noontime."
"Well that's something, you'll get to sleep in a bit." I say encouragingly.
"True, but sleeping in is far less fun alone."
"But, sleeping in involves far less sleeping with company." I counter again, know that Jace won't likely be doing much sleeping in tomorrow.
"I fail to see the problem." He says with a laugh.
"You have a point." I laugh, noting the time and knowing I need to start making my way to the gate. "I'm all yours this weekend," I tell him huskily, "but right now I have to go into this restaurant and meet Camille," I tell him, referencing the excuse I'd made earlier. I'd told Jace that she and Scott had some sort of argument and she 'needed a girls night' to explain why I wouldn't answer my phone if he called. "Talk tomorrow?" I ask, knowing that by the time he wakes up we'll be in the same timezone.
"Of course," he says softly, "I love you, my darling."
"I love you too." I respond, "talk soon."
"Clarissa Garroway," I say, using my Johnny approved alias, as I approach the check-in desk of the hotel Jace is staying in. "I'm checking in and I believe a friend left a package for me." I add.
"Of course, Ms. Garroway." the gentleman says, finding my key and the envelope from Mary.
I hadn't wanted to bother with a room, knowing it would not be used, but I was overruled, my passport was being stamped in this country, there should be accommodations attached to the stay. But now that I'm here, earlier than expected, I decide I might as well make use of my room and take a quick shower to wash the plane off before I surprise Jace. Half an hour later I'm in front of his door, with all of the ingredients for chocolate chip pancakes, cleaned and clad in my own loungewear which is part of Jace's surprise.
I listen at the door, trying to ascertain if Jace is awake, but the room seems silent and still. As quietly as I can I put the key that Mary procured for me in the lock, turning it slowly hoping it won't make any noise. As soon as the door opens I realize I had nothing to worry about, Jace's suite is expansive, which I suppose makes sense in that it's supposed to be his home for the five weeks they are filming in this part of the country. I pad inside, still being quiet and quickly find the small, but serviceable, kitchen, putting my bags down, I fill the hot pot with water and flip the switch before extracting the pound of coffee I brought special from the cafe near my apartment that Jace loves. I open a few cupboards before I find the press pot, adding the grounds to the pot and carefully filling it with hot water, stirring it and leaving it to steep while I explore the suite and find the birthday boy.
I find him, sound asleep behind door number two, in the larger of two bedrooms, that is situated on the corner of the building, no doubt offering impressive views when the draperies are open. I stand in the doorway for awhile, studying the scene and wondering if he'll sense my presence. He's near the middle of the bed, arms wrapped around a fluffy pillow and sheets and blankets askew. He's wearing a faded grey tee shirt with a design that I can't make out and a pair of plaid boxer shorts, it's odd to see him in bed with so much on.
I decide to let him sleep a bit longer, retreating to the kitchen to start breakfast, I find the necessary cookery, mixing up the batter and setting it in the fridge to rest and preheating the oven for the rashers. I unsteep the coffee and pour myself a mug, making my way back to the living room and adjourn to the terrace to enjoy the view while I caffeinate. When I finish my first cup of coffee I check my phone, just going on nine and still no sign of Jace. I text Mary to let her know that I got in and everything went as planned, thanking her again for helping set up my surprise.
Soon thereafter I decide it's time to wake Jace, I make my way back to the kitchen, refilling my coffee and mixing one for him before heading back the bedroom. He hasn't moved a muscle. I carefully set the coffees down on my nightstand before shedding my drapey sweater and leggings and crawling onto bed wearing only my carefully chosen royal blue silk slip nightgown. I crawl across the bed, catlike, trying not to disturb him just yet. I crouch down and softly whisper "good morning, my love" in his ear, he stirs but does not wake. I move closer, my cheek brushing his as I continue urging him to wake up. His nose wrinkles and he rolls onto his back, swatting gently as though my cheek may have been a fly. I giggle, covering my mouth to muffle the sound and see a small smile spread across his lips. I carefully crawl closer before moving the pillow Jace was holding and getting close to him without touching him just yet. I again whisper in his ear, "Happy birthday my love" I say, wondering if he is more awake than he's letting on. He doesn't seem to be.
I move to settle my body over his, one leg on either side of his hips, straddling him, being careful not to startle him, I hover over him, my hands resting on either side of his head as my lips, the only part of me touching him, kiss a trail up his neck, whispering more endearments when I reach his ear. I move my lips to his, softly and chastely kissing him. Beneath me, he starts to stir and I encourage him; settling more of my weight into his body, my hand move down his neck skimming across his shoulders and chest before moving a hand back up to caress his cheek and again, fixing my lips to his. I feel his body start to come alive and I shift my hips, offering some encouraging friction. His lips slowly begin to move with mine and his hands fumble over my body. I can sense his confusion and smile into his lips before releasing them moving to his ear again "wake up" I say as his hands tighten on my waist and pull me into him. It's been so long since we've been this close and my body responds immediately, I moan loudly as I feel the warmth of excitement spread through me. I find his lips again and, eyes still closed, Jace kisses me feverishly and my hands wander, finding the hem of his t-shirt and dipping under it, wanting to feel his skin.
His breathing hitches and his hands find their way to my head, gently raking through my hair and I feel him stiffen between my legs. "Open your eyes," I whisper, knowing that he must be awake now.
"No," he hear him tell me in a barely audible whisper, "when I open my eyes the dream will be over." he continues.
I smile again into his lips, reaching between us and under the waistband of his boxers, already damp with the evidence of my own excitement and need for him. "I'm not a dream, open your eyes, my love." I say softly as I caress and stroke him wishing this thin layer of cotton was not between us. His hips reflexively thrust upward and his eyes open and a broad smile breaks across his face, before he grabs my head and kisses me deeply and roughly.
"You're really here." He says, "How are you here?" he asks peppering my face with kisses.
I start to giggle wildly, sitting up so I can look at him properly. "I flew over last night after work, I wanted to surprise you, you didn't think you had the monopoly on birthday surprises did you?" I ask smiling brightly before leaning down for another kiss.
I feel his body relax as his hands roam from my hips up my back, sliding smoothly over my slip. I try to pull away briefly, but he doesn't let me, his body following mine into a seated position. I shift, wrapping my legs around his waist pulling myself closer to him, moaning and shivering as I feel of his hardness graze me, in one tortuous stoke. "Oh God!" I exclaim as I start to work his shirt up over his head, desperate to rid him of his clothes.
His hands a lips leave my body long enough for me to remove his shirt, tossing it to the floor as I feel his hands on my ribcage, fondling my breasts as his lips brush my ear and he whispers "dear god how I've missed you."
His lips kiss a path down my neck and I lean back, granting him better access. His left hand gently lifts and kneads my breast, freeing it from it's silk wrapping before I feel his warm mouth cover my nipple. Licking and sucking until it stands at attention before repeating the sequence on the other side. I moan wantonly shifting my hips as I feel his arms tighten around me, lifting me and shifting us so that I am on my back and he is hovering over me. I sigh into his mouth as I feel his weight settle on me, as his hands trail down to my thighs and up under the hem of my slip, fingers tightening on my soft flesh. My leg hitches around his waist as his lips devour mine and I slide my hands under his waistband, how is he still wearing pants? He realizes what I'm after, helping me push them down and kicking them off urgently, before he settles his body over mine, I moan as he enters me, swiftly and effortlessly. It feels like coming home.
A satisfied sigh escapes his lips and I smile, breaking our kiss and palming his cheek. "Open your eyes." I whisper, wanting to see him, watch him as he takes me for the first time in weeks.
He complies and smiles radiantly and I feel the tingling warmth spread through me. It's been too long, I think, how have I gone this long without him. He carefully changes our position, ever so slightly, and thrusts harder, hitting all of the right spots, I cry out as I feel my muscles tighten, my head falling forward.
He rests his forehead against mine and whispers to me. "I still can't believe you really are here." he says holding my gaze.
I smile, "you thought I'd miss you birthday?" I tease, kissing his lips again. "Miss the chance to be the first person to wish you a happy-oh god, Jace!" I hiss, losing my train of thought as I start to come undone.
He smiles, "I love you" he says as he claims my lips and thrusts harder until I feel the explosion of warmth as Jace comes inside of me pulling me over the edge as I cry his name.
"Jace! Stop, you need to go!" I say through hysterical giggling as he pins me to the wall next to the door, kissing my neck as he rucks up the hem of my slip. "I should have put underwear on." I muse aloud, though mostly to myself.
It's 11:15 and I know from Mary that he is supposed to be in the makeup chair no later than 12. He insists he can be late, but I don't want to push my luck, not to mention the higher-ups on set know Jace's mystery girlfriend was showing up this morning to surprise him.
"No," he says, "and it's not as though it would deter me." he says with a devious smile as his hand skims across my lower abdomen, fingers taking advantage of my bareness. His fingers pinch and massage and this is all remarkably unfair.
I try and move to escape him, but my body fights my brain, I lean into him and his hand falls away, wrapping my arms tightly around him as his arms instinctively encircle my waist. I glance over at the clock 11:19, no, we really don't have time, I think as I kiss him deeply. "You know, I will be here when you get back," I whisper, "and you will have me all night, but right now you have to go to work." I tell him, smiling and laughing as I say it.
Undeterred, he grabs me and spins me, ravaging my lips as he lifts me off the floor. He carries me the short distance to the kitchen island, setting me down amidst the remains of the breakfast I insisted on making. "What if I don't want to wait," he asks, his voice is like velvet, testing resolve, "what if I can't." He adds pushing towards me.
He may be fully clothed but I can still feel how much he wants me. I capture his lips as my resolve begins to crumble, I want him just as badly, he kisses me fervently and I smile into his lips, in this instant I am so happy to be here in his arms. My hands move to his belt, my nimble finger making quick work of the buckle and the buttons on his jeans, but before I have a chance to go further his phone starts to ring. I snatch it from his pocket, reading the display and noting the time. It's 11:25, but I don't recognize the name of the caller. I lean back, out of his reach and show him the phone.
"That's the director's assistant," ha says, "ignore it." He adds, grabbing for the phone.
I lean back, holding it out of his reach giggling as he tries to get it. I hit answer, putting my free hand over my mouth to muffle my laughter as I pass the phone to Jace. He gives me a dirty look as he greets the caller.
"Hi Sean," he says cordially, "sorry I'm running a bit late this morning, should be in soon." He says, straightening up. "Oh yea?" I hear him say.
I lay back on the counter, the cool stone feeling good against my flushed skin and I giggle quietly at the puff of flour that blossoms up as my head lands. I really should have cleaned this up. I'm not paying attention to Jace's conversation, instead taking deep breaths, trying to calm myself down, resigned to the fact that we'll most likely have to continue this later, so it surprises me when I feel his hand on my left thigh. Slowly creeping up under my slip and across to my inner thigh. I look up at him, his eyes are dark with desire as he looks from his hand to my eyes, nodding into the phone and offering the occasional "yes" or "that's too bad" or "I see." He holds my gaze and it surprises me when I feel his thumb graze me just before he starts rubbing slow, teasing, circles. I feel my heart rate increase and my eyes flutter closed as my breathing become ragged, I hear Jace ask about his schedule for tonight, as I feel his fingers push into me, reaching and curling and driving me crazy. Involuntarily my hips roll, trying to get closer to the source of pleasure and I squirm and moan under his touch.
"I've got to go," he says into the phone, "sounds good," he adds as his fingers curl and I feel the pressure building, "I'll see you around twelve thirty then. Thanks Sean." he finishes as he hangs up the phone, just in time, as I can no longer contain the sounds rising in my throat as the waves crash over me. His slides his fingers out and I whine and pout, smiling as he grips my hips, urging me to sit up. "Come here beautiful." he says as he pulls he to him.
I wrap my arms around his neck, kissing him quickly before leaning back, "you got an extension" I say smiling broadly as I move my hands back to his waist. "You're one lucky son of a bitch" I whisper into his lips, as I push his jeans and boxers down past his hips.
He lifts a hand to caress my jaw, his thumb skimming across my cheek. "don't I know it," he says smiling before leaning into kiss me, softly and slowly, letting the intensity build as our tongues clash and I start to run out of air.
He pulls me towards him, until I'm am balanced just on the edge of the counter, his body the only thing keeping me from what would likely be an inelegant trip to the floor. As my fingers work the buttons of his shirt I feel his hands skirt across my thighs and up my body, under my slip, I realize what he's after, and stopping short of pushing his shirt off, I raise my arms, breaking our kiss as the blue silk flies past my eyes and flutters to the ground. Urgently his lips claim mine again and I reach between us, stroking his hardened length, he groans against my lips, one arm curling around my waist, not wasting anytime closing the remaining distance between us as I guide him home.
My legs wrap tightly around his waist and I lean back, arms behind me, buttressing my body against Jace's punishing rhythm as he thrusts vigorously. The angle is awkward at first, until his hands fall to my hips and he kisses me quickly and tells me to lay back. I do as I'm told, and again a puff of flour rises around me.
He smiles "perhaps we need a location change." He says, slowing his pace.
I wrap my legs tighter, lifting my hips slightly as he drives into me. "Oh, god." I cry, finding the perfect angle. "Please," I say breathlessly, "please don't stop."
He grips my hips gently, holding them up as I tumble into euphoria with his name on my lips as my own name tears from his, and he collapses over me.
We stay this way only briefly, soon I feel his lips on my neck, kissing a trail across my jaw and to my lips, kissing me languidly as he withdraws. He straightens up, and I take a deep and satisfied breath as I watch him reach past me, grabbing a napkin to clean himself up, before he gently sweeps another between my legs. I sigh, smiling as I watch him, disheveled and half clothed, a contented grin on his face.
"You look like the cat who got the cream." I tease as I sit up and slide off the counter, putting my arms around his neck and leaning in to kiss him.
He kisses me a moment longer before leaning back, "are you sure that's not just old age?" He teases back, his arms settling around my waist as he kisses the tip of my nose.
"Could be," I say with a shrug, "whatever it is, it looks good on you."
He leans in again, capturing my lips, my fingers twine in his hair as his fingers pull at my waist, briefly before skimming up my back and fisting in my hair. "Thank you," he says after a few minutes, gently brushing my hair away from my face and over my shoulder. "What is this?" As he finds something and teases it out, showing me what appears to be a sizable crumb of pancake. He laughs with me.
"Remnants of breakfast." I identify with a smile as I start to rebutton. his shirt, "I guess you were right about the need for a location change." I add.
"Eh," he offers a shrug, "I thought we did pretty well right here in the end."
"Agreed," I accord, "and who wants to waste valuable time like that." I add as I grab the waistband of his jeans, pulling them back into place of his hips.
"So true." He says as he adjusts himself and buttons his pants before bending down to retrieve my nightgown. He drops a light kiss on my hipbone, pausing briefly and inhaling the scent of my skin.
He helps me back into it, and again his hands find my waist, pulling my hips towards him as he kisses me again, "I've got to go don't I?" He says.
I glance at the clock, it's five after twelve. "Sadly yes, I couldn't get you out of half a week of work, I did try though if it makes you feel any better." I explains with a smile as his lips descend again onto mine. "Go!" I say, pushing him away with a laugh and playful smile. "I'll be here when you get back!" I tell him, pushing him towards the door and opening it.
We stand in the doorway and he kisses me goodbye, telling me he loves me and that he'll call me later.
After he leaves I spend a few minutes tidying up the kitchen before hopping in the shower and taking the time to dry my hair after, knowing I want to curl it later. I emerge from the bathroom an hour later intent on settling in to do a few hours of work. I stop by the kitchen, blushing at the sight of the island as I pick up my cell phone and grab a bottle of water from the fridge.
I sit down to thumb through the text messages and missed calls. Texts from my mother and Iz confirming that I got in ok and one from Jace, thanking me again for the surprise and telling me he loves me. I smile as I dial into my voicemail, just one, Johnny leaving a message to call him back, he has a question about my latest lead. There's no answer when I call him back, so I shoot Iz and mom texts, confirming my arrival and go back and forth with Iz for a few minutes about out plans for Friday. I assume we'll still drive up on Friday morning, though perhaps not as early. Jace and I didn't exactly get a chance to talk additional travel details. Over breakfast we caught up on each other, the in person recap I dearly look forward to after even the briefest time apart.
Eventually, I decide to get some work done, retrieving my laptop case from the front hall before settling into the plush couch and firing it up. I connect to the internet, the way Johnny showed me and log onto the secure server, waiting for my email and files to load. I had a few potential leads after a second conversation with my World War Two expert, that I sent to Johnny over the weekend hoping he'd turn them into breakthroughs. I'm starting to run out of source material that can be viewed from afar, sooner, rather than later I'm going to need to travel. Right now it's up to help Johnny to figure out where to find these people and how to get me to these places. I've already cleared a few days the week after next to fly to Poland to further research the additional artwork, but also, hopefully to meet and start actively planning the trip to the Middle East.
As soon as my email loads I am disappointed. I can tell immediately that I don't have the volume of response I am looking for. Just a brief email from Johnny proclaiming my find "promising" and telling me he's going to need some time to work through the information and that he'll keep me posted, one from a colleague at INTERPOL, letting me know she found the casework I was looking for and she'd messagered it here and a revised translation of some eyewitness accounts from the translator Johnny connected me with. My Farsi and Arabic are coming along, but I still like to have the professional opinion, asking questions about different interpretations as they arise.
I spend the next few hours with these new translations, making notes in the margins and highlighting swathes of text. Typing lists of questions for various people as I go. Around four o'clock I get up to make myself a cup of tea, noticing a text from Jace, who lets me know they're running behind, he should be back by 7:30. I've made a dinner reservation at a well rated nearby restaurant with a private room at eight o'clock, just the two of us, another surprise, and after I'm going to let him lead. Either drink with coworkers, drinks alone, or back here, I wonder if the fireplace works, I think noting the oversized pillows and plush blankets stacked next it, as I dial the restaurant and push the reservation back to 8:30.
I check email one last time and when there's nothing new I decide to take a nap. Setting an alarm for 6:30 I crawl into bed, snuggling into Jace's pillow and drifting off cocooned in the sweet and musky smell of him.
"I'll be right back" I whisper in Jace's ear as the song we're dancing to winds down.
I feel his lips on the brush my ear as he whispers back "don't take too long" his voice husky as his hands squeeze my waist before releasing me.
I back away, blowing him a kiss before turning away and walking towards the loo. I pass the group we came with, crew and co-stars from Jace's movie flashing a smile and briefly wondering what my brother would think of this night. As I traverse the pub my eyes flit around, it seems to be a local spot and not a favorite of the students from the university. It's busy, but not impassable and for the most part the clientele doesn't seem interested in our group in the corner, which is good because I don't want to spend tomorrow fielding angry phone calls from Alison or Johnny.
We are not paying particular attention to making it look like we are casual acquaintances, on any other night I'd have maintained a bit of distance, perhaps danced with other people, but tonight neither of us can help ourselves. We were reasonably well behaved and followed all of the rules for being covert at dinner, but as the night wore on we've gotten lazy, I blame two months of distance, Jace blames the floral printed, strapless cocktail dress that I bought special or the occasion, falling in love with it at Nordstrom and knowing he'd love it too. I giggle aloud remembering his reaction to this evening's ensemble and realize that the bottle of wine we split with dinner is probably not blameless either.
I queue up for the bathroom, there's one person ahead of me waiting for what appears to be a single stall. The hallway to the ladies room is awkwardly positioned, bisecting another, creating a strange traffic pattern where people can't help but bump and jostle one another as they move through the space. As I step past the perpendicular hallway I peer down it and see the men's room, no line of course and seemingly unoccupied. I'm not that desperate I think as I lean into the wall, and pull out my phone as I wait, examining picture on Cami's Facebook page, it's a cute one of she and Scott on the beach in Plum Island, it brings a smile to my face and I briefly wonder if I'll ever be able to post cheesy couple-y pictures of my own. I tap like as the bathroom door opens and the girl inside changes places with the girl ahead of me, as she passes I feel something pull lightly at my hair, I assume it's nothing more than her brushing past me. Without much thought I run my fingers along the crown of my head, shaking out the tresses. It's when I feel it again that I realize something isn't right. My pulse quickens as my body reflexively starts to weigh the options of fight or flight. It's then that I hear the voice I'd hoped I'd never hear again.
"I'd have a hard time believing this is natural if I didn't already know that the carpet matched drapes"
The blood in my veins turns to ice water as I hear the sharp, smooth hiss of Sebastian Verlac's voice. I freeze, the sound of my heart pounding in my chest and a ringing in my ears as I start to panic. I take a deep breath, this doesn't make any sense and my brain struggles with the incongruity of the moment, how is he here right now? As I turn, I quickly message Johnny, briefly worrying that the three keystrokes that had long been my distress call had not been programmed into this new phone. But it's too late to do more, my hands have started to shake and all I can do is grip my phone tightly, trying not to drop it. As soon as I turn I see him, the shock of white blond hair and vampirically pale skin, a sharp contrast to his black shirt, dark slacks and the dimly lit hallway. I see his eyes then, cold and soulless, a color so dark it's nearly impossible to delineate pupil from iris, eyes I'd once thought beautiful.
"Sebastian." I whisper, his name rushing past my lips, carried on a sharp intake of breath, fear evident in my shaky tone.
"In the flesh." He says, a calculating smirk playing across his lips. "It's been a long time." He whispers as his arm comes up and his hand moves towards me, brushing my hair over my shoulder.
In that instant I'm back in college, standing in the dorm room I'd shared with Cami sophomore year, reeling from the shock of his hand connecting with my jaw, it's so vivid, I can almost feel tingle and then the sting. I step back, realizing I'm cornered and alone in this hallway, Sebastian's imposing form blocking my only way out, my only way to Jace. I need to get past him.
"Don't touch me." I spit, venom in my voice.
"Now, now," he says, his tone condescending as a steps towards me. "Is that anyway to greet an old friend? After all you and I-"
"Are nothing." I interrupt, "and if you don't leave me alone I will call the police you're violating the restraining order."
He laughs, mirthlessly, "Oh Clarissa, that old thing expired months ago, not to mention we are on foreign soil." He points out in a menacing tone.
He reaches for me again and I try and find my voice to scream only to realize I am choked by fear. Instead I move to push him back, planting my feet and bracing myself, he substantially outweighs me. I push, momentarily surprised by how effective it is, only to realize that there is someone else in the hallway with us, someone pulling him away from me. As my brain catches up I realize it's Jace. He has Sebastian by the collar and has managed to put his body between Sebastian and myself.
"I believe the lady asked you to leave her alone." He warns in a tone of voice I've never heard.
I can't see his face, but from the set of his shoulders and his stance I can tell he is ready to defend me however he needs to.
"Look man, I'm not sure what you think you saw, but I was just saying hi to an old friend." Sebastian responds, his tone amiable and charming.
"I don't think I saw anything," Jace responds, "I know exactly what I saw and who you are and I know you are not a friend, so unless you walk away right now, you will find yourself in prison."
"My my Clarissa, I never pegged you as a starfucking groupie wh-"
Before he can finish his sentence Jace has him pinned against the wall arm across his neck, nearly nose to nose. I realize how similarly proportioned they are, in my memory Sebastian was a large and imposing figure. Seeing he and Jace next to each other I realize that's not true or at least that my mind has made him into more than he is.
"Think long and hard before you finish that sentence." Jace grounds out. Pulling back just enough to slam Sebastian back up against the wall. The sound of Sebastian's head hitting the wall brings me back, I can see the fury in Jace's eyes and I realize he is one snide comment away from more violent action.
"Jace stop," I say urgently, stepping forward and putting my hand on his arm, "please, he's not worth the attention this will draw." I plead as he turns his head to look at me. "Please," I whisper, and my voice shakes, "please, just take me home."
Jace nods, almost imperceptibly and glares at Sebastian, warning him with his eyes as he leans back, releasing Sebastian, who, ignoring the warning, wastes no time coming back at me. But I'm ready this time and before he can lay a hand on me I push him back against the wall, driving my knee up into his groin as hard as I can. He doubles over in pain and I take a small step back leaning down to whisper one last threat of my own.
"Forget you know me, Sebastian. Because if you ever come near me again, I will end you. Do you hear me? And I think you know, better than anyone, just how far from empty that threat is."
He nods, still not able to speak and I turn away from him, grabbing Jace's hand and pulling him down the hallway. The further away we get the faster the adrenaline ebbs and as we approach our group to say our goodbyes I start to shiver. We make a hasty exit, Jace, clearly concerned, holds my hand tightly as we walk out, find our car and slide into the back seat.
Safely ensconced in our town car, I let go of his hand, dropping my head into up my hands. I rake my fingers through my hair as I replay the last half hour in my head, I feel sick.
After an indeterminable period of time I feel a hand on my back. It's a gentle and loving touch, but I wasn't expecting it and in combination with the pictures in my head, it startles me and my stomach lurches. I sit, bolt upright and say "pull over" louder than I'd meant to. The driver complies and I barely get the door open before I lose my dinner in a pasture along the side of the road.
Again I feel Jace's touch, as he calmly gathers my hair, holding it behind my head as I retch again, this time feeling tears leak down my cheeks. I manage to extract a tissue from the purse, still on my lap, wiping mouth and dabbing my cheeks before my face falls into my hands and I try to focus on breathing deeply. After a moment Jace hesitantly starts to rub my back, whispering kind and soothing words. I'm too emotionally exhausted to feel the embarrassment I probably should, instead I just feel awful about how this night has turned out.
How did this day go from fucking my boyfriend on the kitchen counter to flinching at his touch and throwing up in a sheep pasture?
"I'm sorry." I say hoarsely, my throat scorched by the stomach acid that had so recently passed through it.
With my words I feel the tension leave his body and try and allow mine to relax as well, focusing on the heat of his hand on my back, sitting back up and tentatively leaning into the warmth. I'm cold and I need to stop shivering.
"You have nothing to be sorry for." he says quietly as he twists my hair and lets it fall against my back. I twist back into my seat, closing my eyes, and breathing in the cool night air through the still open door. "Tell me what you need from me, tell me how I can help you." he says after a moment as he takes my hand in his, pulling it to his mouth and brushing soft kisses across my knuckles.
I smile, he couldn't be more different than Sebastian, I think as I lean forward to close the door, indicating we can drive on.
"How did you find me?" I ask, turning my head to look at him. He's sitting sideways in his seat, one leg curled under him wholly focused on me.
"Jon." he says simply pausing to watch me. "He called twice, but both times I couldn't hear him over the music, so I started to go outside to call him back, but he texted me." he says as he pulls his phone out showing me the text.
Jon F.: FIND CLARY NOW.
"How did he know you were in trouble?" Jace asks and I detect a hint of hurt in his voice.
"Back when everything went down with Sebastian he'd programmed a sort of SOS in my phone. As fast message I could easily fire off if he accosted me." I explain. "I guess it was just an automatic response. I realized I was cornered and I didn't even think, I just sent. I'm glad it still worked" I add.
"Me too." he says. "How long-"
"Not long," I say cutting him off, "he barely touched me. Just long enough to remind me of how awful he was." I say with a shiver and I feel tears trail down my cheeks.
"Oh my darling." he says as he moves to wipe my cheeks.
But I don't let him, instead I push myself into his arms, holding him tightly and burying my face in his neck. He doesn't say anything, he doesn't need to, he just holds me, reminding me, without words, that he is here and that he loves me and I hold on for dear life.
When we return to the hotel we're supposed to make it look like we've arrived separately, dropping him off first before making a loop around the block and dropping me off second. But tonight I can't, I don't want to be alone. Logically I know Sebastian isn't lurking nearby, but I'd also never expected to see him again and my unconscious won't let go of the shock of seeing him again and the fear I felt.
Jace doesn't fight me, instead he tells me he'll be 10 feet behind me, not letting me out of his sight.
I walk into the lobby, it's empty and quiet so when I hear my name, I flinch, panic, again rising in my throat. I hear Jace's steps behind me quicken just before I realize it was the young man at the front desk, getting my attention to give me a package. The documents messengered from my contact at INTERPOL. I approach the desk and as I do I realize I'd asked for these to be sent only yesterday, and right now that seems like ages ago. He hands me the package, apologizing for startling me and I notice that his voice sounds nothing like Sebastian's. I try and smile as I thank him and bid him a good evening, turning towards the elevator and seeing Jace surreptitiously loitering outside of it, watching me. The door opens and he steps in holding the door for me. I join him in the car, leaning heavily into him once the doors are closed. My nerves are shot and I can't wait to be in the sanctuary of our room, just Jace and I. Safe.
The doors open and he guides me back to our room, unlocking the door and walking in, pulling me behind him, but I freeze and drop his hand, inexplicably afraid to walk into the dark room. My brain choosing this moment to show me a picture of Sebastian sitting motionless in my desk chair in my darkened dorm room, laying in wait for me to return from a night out with some sorority sisters. I blink and shake my head, willing the image to disperse, not want to relive any more of that night.
"Clary, what's wrong?" I hear Jace say urgently, walking back towards me and turning lights on as he goes.
I refocus my gaze to him and shake my head, "fine, it's fine, I'm fine." I tell him walking into the empty suite, dropping my purse and package on the table by the door.
He stops me, drawing me into him, "talk to me, please." He says quietly.
I look at him, in his eyes I see compassion and concern and love. "It's just," I start, unsure how to continue I shake my head, sitting down on the plush sofa.
"What happened before I got there," he asks gently.
It's such a simple question, but at first I can't answer it. What did happen?
"I was waiting in line for the ladies room and I felt something pull at my hair," I say, "at first I thought it was nothing, just someone brushing past me and snagging my hair, I have a lot of hair." I say distractedly, gazing across the room, gaze unfocused as I finger the ends of my hair. "But then it happened again and I realized something wasn't right. Unconsciously I knew before I actually knew," I pause as my body trembles and my hand drops into my lap, "if that makes any sense.
"He said something about the curtains matching the drapes and when I heard his voice and I almost couldn't believe it, I messaged Johnny and I turned and there he was, pale skin and cold eyes." I say barely above a whisper. "He reached out to touch my hair-oh God," I interrupt myself remembering his fingers on me as my body shakes and I suddenly feel the overwhelming need to shower.
"Hey, hey he's not here, you're safe." He says, pulling me closer, "I'm right here, it's just you and me." He soothes as he gathers me in his arms.
I look at him for a long moment I can see his anger in the set of his jaw and hiding in his eyes behind his concern for me and his protectiveness. I have nothing to be afraid of here.
"I thought I'd put this behind me." I say, after a long pause, more to myself than Jace, "but when he reached for me I suddenly remembered exactly what it felt like the first time he hit me." I muse quietly.
I hear the sharp intake of breath and his quickening heartbeat as his arms move to tighten around me, before Jace thinks better of it, loosening his grip trying not to overwhelm me. Jace and I have talked about Sebastian, he knows the broad strokes of the abuse, both emotional and physical that I suffered at his hands, but it doesn't make it easier for him to hear. When we first talked about it, long before we'd started moving past friendship, he was shocked that someone would want to hurt me in the ways that Sebastian did.
I lean back, find his hand, twining my fingers with his and squeezing. "We don't have to do this." I say, not wanting to ruin this night further.
"Only if you don't want to." He says "but I'm here to listen as long as you want to talk." He says earnestly.
I look up at him, wanting to know if he really means that and I think he does. I do want to keep talking, I can't bottle this up, I've already learned that lesson once, but what I really want right now is to take a shower, wash Sebastian's touch and this night off of me.
"I do, I think." I tell him, sharing my thoughts, "but what I want more than anything is to take a shower, wash my hair." Or cut it off. I think to myself. "Come with me?" I ask, as I stand up, still holding his hand, keeping him close, still not wanting to be alone.
"Of course," he says, rising to follow me.
The peal of his cell phone disturbs the silence in the room, startling me. I jump, free hand rushing to my chest as I feel Jace squeeze my other hand as he pulls the phone from his pocket and looks at the screen.
"Who is it?" I ask.
"Sean, he was still at the bar, I should take this." He says looking up at me. "Go ahead, I'll be right there."
I nod, not moving, he should take the call. Sean may still be there, if something else is going on we need to know as soon as we can.
He answers the phone and asks Sean to hold on, turning his attention back to me. "Come on my love," he says as he guides me to the bedroom and the en suite bathroom. He reaches in and turns on the shower, turning back to me and kissing me lightly on the forehead. "I'll be right out here" he says, reassuring me that I am safe. He turns and leaves, closing the door behind him and I hear his muffled voice, re engaging the phone call.
I stand before the mirror, shedding my dress, letting it pool at my feet before kicking it towards the trash can. I briefly think about putting it in, I don't want it anymore, but I may feel differently in the morning so I leave it. I look at my reflection, my pale, creamy, unblemished skin and remember the times I stood before a mirror, desperately trying to cover up marks and bruises. I am one of the lucky ones, Sebastian left no permanent visible scars on me, all the lasting damage is invisible to the casual observer. But, it's damage that is there, hiding under the surface, even if I'd all but forgotten about, damage I thought I'd repaired and moved past. I spent years putting myself back together after he tore me apart, fighting, not just to get past it, but to process and make peace with it, to not let it define me and to be stronger because of it. Sure, I'd never even entertained the notion that I'd see him again after a certain point, so I'd never really thought about what I'd do if I did. But as I think about the fear I felt in that hallway and the fear I still feel now, I don't feel stronger.
The door opens and Jace comes in, shirt untucked and unbuttoned. He comes up behind me, wrapping his arms around my middle and dropping a kiss on my shoulder.
"I feel weak." I tell him, sharing a part of my inner monologue.
"You're not weak." He says firmly, his eyes finding mine in the mirror.
"Aren't I?" I press, "the fear I felt in that hallway at the club, for god sake the fear I felt not fifteen minutes ago when I couldn't even walk through the door because in my mind I was back in my Junior year of college, him laying in wait in my dorm room." I say getting angry now.
He turns me around, gently framing my face with his hands and looking me dead in the eyes. "Clary, fear and weakness are not the same. What Sebastian put you through was nothing short of monstrous and I can only imagine how shocking and traumatic it is to see him again, so unexpectedly and after all this time." He pauses and as my eyes well and overflow, hot, heavy tears slide down my cheeks. "But that fear you felt, feel now, is normal, and what's more is you didn't let it rule you. You fought back, verbally and physically, you stood up for yourself against Sebastian."
I hadn't thought about it that way, "I did, didn't I?" I say realizing that I did push him off me and knee him in the balls.
"You did." he says with a small smile, "That's not weakness Clary, that's strength. I don't ever want you to think that you are weak, because you are not, you are one of the strongest people I know and I don't ever want you to forget that."
My tears come faster now and a sob escapes my lips as I throw my arms around his neck, burying my face in his neck and hugging him tightly. His arms snake around me, one holding tightly around my waist while the other skims up my back, hand cradling my neck. I feel him bury his face in my hair, inhaling as he whispers small and soothing words. "Shhh." "I'm right here." "You're safe."
Eventually the tears subside and he guides me to the shower, helping me out of my remaining clothes before removing his own. Wordlessly he moves me under the shower spray, soaking my hair before he gently starts to shampoo it. He takes care to be gentle but thorough, intent on washing away the invisible evidence of our harrowing evening. His touch is reverent and ritualistic and when he rinses the last of the soap from my body I truly do feel cleansed.
He follows me back to the bedroom and I feel his concerned eyes on me and turn, embracing him tightly and pressing my lips to his. I feel some of his concern and tension start to ebb and pull back, though not away.
"I love you." I say, "God, I love you so much, you are everything to me." I finish with a smile.
He smiles too as he lightly kisses me. "I love you, too." he says sweetly. "So much," he adds kissing me softly on the forehead.
I detached from him, just enough to pull him into the bed, robes and towels discarded. Jace is hesitant at first, worried about my mental state, but I want to feel the security of being in his arms, feel his lips and hands on my body, his gentle touch warming me and reminding me what real love is. We start slow, Jace being cautious and deliberate, focusing on me and making me feel good. As we move together he tells me he loves me, I'm beautiful, that I should be cherished and worshipped. And when we finally come together, I feel all of that, the power of his devotion, of our devotion and it's earth shattering.
Sometime later, as I float just on the edge of sleep I hear a buzz and feel Jace start to gently untangle our bodies, I shift settling back onto my stomach with my head pillowed on my arms facing him. He sits up and answer the phone.
"Hey" I hear him say, just above a whisper, giving no indication of who is on the other end of the call. "Yea, I'm sorry, I was just really focused on making sure she was ok." "She wasn't," he says after a long pause, "She is, incredibly shaken and scared, understandably, but she's better now I think." He's quiet for a long time, I open my eyes just enough to see his back, hunched over, elbows on his knees, holding his phone in one hand, and the other rubbing his eyes or forehead as he listens to the caller. "She's sound asleep right next to me." That's not entirely true, I think as I continue to listen in, "We talked, a bit about it." "Evidently he saw her in the queue for the washroom and came up behind her and started playing with her hair. He made a crude comment and that's when she realized it was him and texted you." he pauses again and I realize he's talking to Johnny, who I should have called myself hours ago but didn't.
I start to fade, Jace's voice sounding more muffled and distant until I slip into a dark and mercifully dreamless sleep.
I wake the next morning to find Jace seated on the bed next to me, pillows propped behind him as he furiously types on the laptop on his lap. That's odd I think as I move and stretch, at my movement he realizes I'm awake and sets his computer on the floor, shifting his focus fully to me.
"Good morning beautiful," he says quietly, "how are you feeling?" he asks.
I cuddle up to his side, draping an arm across his waist as I silently assess how I feel, remembering the events of last night from our romantic dinner to Jace's whispered phone call with my brother and all that transpired in between. He scoots down a bit, putting his arms around me and getting more comfortable.
"Talk to me, love." he says, plainly.
"We're you on the phone with my brother last night?" I ask, burrowing into his chest and placing my hand over his heart.
His chest rumbles with shallow laughter, "I was, I was also sure you were asleep."
"I think I was, or very nearly. I only vaguely registered it." I explain. "What did he say?"
"He said he's glad you are safe." he pauses and I pull myself closer.
"I'm safe." I say quietly, a mantra that will be often repeated in the near future.
"Yes you are." he agrees, before he begins to fill me in on his multiple late night phone calls.
After he got off the phone with Johnny he notified the hotel that if anyone asked after myself or him the police should be notified, evidently Johnny was able to send Jace Sebastian's picture so they'd know who they were looking for.
"Why do you think he was there?" I ask, not expecting a real answer.
"It seems he works in Glasgow and spends a fair amount of time in Edinburgh." Jace explains gently after a long pause.
At that I sit up, gathering the sheet around me and looking to the door, "so he wasn't looking for me?" I ask urgently. "But we-" I start as Jace sits up, placing his hands on my upper arms.
"No, he wasn't" he interrupts firmly.
"But we could run into him again?" I ask in a barely audible whisper as shiver runs through me.
"We could, but we won't" He assures me. "Love, come here." he says quietly pulling me into his lap and holding me close. "You are without a doubt, safe in this hotel suite. No one will find you here, and no one will come in here, you have nothing to fear here." he says softly as he kisses my bare shoulder.
I look at him, his face open and sincere, but his eyes are awash in concern, I lean in putting my forehead to his, nose to nose, "I know" I whisper, tilting my head and fixing my lips to his.
He kisses me, slowly but deeply holding me tightly to him. I just want to stay like this all day, hidden from the world, wrapped safely in Jace's arms, but I know we can't. Far too soon for my liking, his lips slow and pull away from mine and I can't help the pitiful whine that rises in my throat. He smiles at me and kisses me again, albeit briefly. "Thank you," I whisper after he's pulled away again, "thank you for making me feel safe."
"Always." he whispers back kissing me one more time before we decide to face the day.
Apologies for this chapter taking so long. I blame my indecisiveness in crafting the second act.
I'd initially written it in Clary's POV and at one point decided to switch to Jace's, however I didn't particularly like the flow, or lack thereof, of switching points of view mid-narrative so I switched back to Clary's and substantially rewrote it. I'd offer more of an explanation, but I'm not sure it would make sense without reading what Jace is thinking and feeling at this point in the story and I've yet to decide if I am going to use his POV in Chapter 22. If I do not I will most likely post it as an interlude between Chapters 21 and 22, (if people want it) so stay tuned.
All that said, a lot happened in this chapter, and I'd love to hear your thoughts and feelings, either in reviews or PMs (which I do try and respond to), so please share them.
Thank you and love to you all,
xo Sora