Warning: The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. I do not own the text taken directly from the show. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!

A/N: Flashbacks are in italics

Chapter 21

"C'mon Shay!" Kelly's mind screamed, the feeling that he was drowning seizing him. He woke up, gasping for air, two soft hands suddenly pulling him up to a sitting position. Erin's hair was messy, her eyes half-open. They had been napping for about hour and a half, both of them mentally and physically exhausted after Kelly's physiotherapy for the day.

"It's okay." She uttered, kneading his back with one hand, lifting the other one to rub her eyes, giving her fireman a few seconds to come to his senses. She made sure his breathing was back to normal and got up, then left the room and returned moments later with a glass of cold water.

Erin sat on the edge of the bed, watching him empty the glass in seconds. It was her clue to bring him more, but Kelly grabbed her hand before she could stand up, and she let him pull her closer to himself, her head landing on his chest.

She lifted her hand, and glaring straight into his blue eyes, ran her fingers through his way too long hair…

Every fiber of Kelly's body urged him to just hide under the warm blanket and never come out again. But Shaw's words echoed in his head…he had to get out of his comfort zone, trust others, talk…only if it was that easy!

"Did Shaw say anything about the nightmares?" Erin asked firmly. Immediately after his meeting with the shrink, she had taken Kelly to the hospital for physiotherapy, Severide not in a mood to reveal details. Then Andreas had ran a long list of tests, expecting to get all results in the next few days.

Severide closed his eyes for a brief moment, replaying the whole conversation with the psychiatrist in his head…

"Kelly, you asked to meet me, but for the last ten minutes you haven't said a word." Shaw stated firmly, observing Kelly. Severide was sank into the couch, one hand nervously tapping on the edge of his glass of water, the psychologist sitting on a chair across the coffee table.

"I…everything's a mess." Kelly blurted out, his eyes finally meeting Shaw's.

"I know." The doctor smiled sadly. "But I cannot help you if you don't tell me exactly what's going on in your head."

Kelly nodded, taking a few seconds to find the right words…but he didn't even know where to start from. "I…remember meeting you…just before Casey got kidnapped."

"Do you remember what we talked about?" Shaw pushed.

"Shay." Severide mumbled, the doctor's gut telling him it was just a guess…

"More specifically?"

Kelly swallowed the lump in his throat. "It's a blur." He admitted. "It's been a whole year and…I remember things…bits and pieces, but…"

"It's confusing, isn't it?"

Severide didn't have the strength to pretend he was okay. A silent sob escaped his lips. "It's…freakin' frustrating!...I've never felt…so helpless in my life. Cannot control the memories, the nightmares...my body doesn't cooperate. I keep waking up in the middle of the night expecting…" Kelly's voice died out, and he sobbed once again, his frustration growing.

"To see Shay?" Shaw finished Severide's sentence, pushing Kelly to reveal more of his bottled-up emotions…for an untrained person it might have seemed harsh, unfair, but for Severide to start dealing with whatever he was feeling, he had to say it out loud first.

Kelly nodded, a wave of anger towards the entire world hitting him. With one quick movement of his right hand, he knocked the glass down, spilling water all over his sweatpants. "Sorry."

"Does this happen often?"

"Yeah!" Kelly snarled. "I cannot do anything! Getting up is a freaking challenge…Casey got injured…and right now he worries more…about me! My father's…abandoned his family…to help here. Erin…she's been through hell. She's put…her life on pause…to look after me, and it kills me I cannot…offer her anything! And I don't even…remember what…why…Spellman…Hadley. We were…a team - "

"Kelly!" Show ended Kelly's ramble. Severide's face was pale, his breathing – labored.

Kelly pressed his eyes shut and sat back, his breathing slowly returning back to normal. "I wanna leave this behind and…get my job back…be the man Erin deserves…be there for Matt like he's for me…I know Shay would have wanted me to…but I'm not sure I can do it…and it terrifies me Hadley and…and Spellman might win after all."

"You can do it." The confidence in Shaw's voice forced Kelly to look up, a mixture of hope and fear in his eyes. "But not alone. It seems there are lots of people ready to help you, and believe it or not, they don't expect anything in return. It's called friendship, Kelly…love."

Severide wished he hadn't knocked the glass of water down, his dry throat begging him for a sip of the cold liquid. Unable to talk, he moved his head up and down…

Shaw smiled and got up, making his way into the small kitchen. As if having read Kelly's mind, or facial expression, the doctor returned with a glass of water seconds later.

"Asking for help when you need it doesn't make you weak." Shaw stated as a matter of fact, handing the glass to Kelly. "Have you shared everything you've told me with Erin and Matt?"

"No…"

"You think you can do it? It will help Matt, too."

Kelly hesitated for a few seconds, battling his inner demons and fears. "Okay."

It was a step forward, a baby step, but it was enough to satisfy Shaw.

"Good. So next time we meet you can tell me how it's gone."

"Yeah…"

"I know the court order states that we have to meet once a week, but my schedule's not that full these days..."

Kelly remained silent for a few seconds, his instincts urging him to say no. "Okay." His desire to fix things won.

"Same time on Friday?"

Kelly nodded, but Friday seemed to be so far away in the future…it was only Monday, 11th of May, Wednesday being the day he dreaded so much…but what he didn't know was that the doctor was also going to attend the trial, Casey having asked for his presence…

***End of flashback***

"Hey, It's okay…you can tell me later." Erin's soft whisper pulled him out of his memories, a tear rolling down his cheek. He felt her warm breath on his face, her gentle touch reminding him he was safe there with her.

He spent the next five minutes revealing all the details from his meeting with Shaw, and she listened carefully, until his voice died out, Lindsay having the feeling that he wanted to ask her something else, but was somehow scarred to do it.

"It doesn't make you weak." She whispered in his ear, and Kelly used the moment to wrap his hands around her neck, her soft lips landing on his…the warmth of her mouth sent a current running through his body, and nothing else mattered in that moment…he didn't have to tell her he loved her, their kiss sealing their bond, their love.

When he sensed that his lungs were running low on oxygen, he slowly pulled back and she didn't protest…they'd have time for that in the months to come.

"Mmmm..." She mumbled, brushing his hair off his forehead.

He locked the fingers of his right hand around hers. "I've got a hair clipper…somewhere." He uttered, thinking of the three important events coming – a dinner with Matt, Gabby, Benny and Erin; the trial and…and the one year anniversary. "Would you…I look like…Yeti..."

"Of course." She smiled, planting another kiss on his cheek.

Xxx

"That smells delicious!" Lindsay complimented, setting the table, Benny gently simmering diced chicken with cream.

"Katie's receipt." Benny smiled, happy he had taken his son's advice to get to know Katie better, even though she was far away in Colorado now. But the cheerful expression on his face was quickly replaced by sadness. "Tomorrow's gonna be hard on everyone." Severide Senior rasped out, turning the stove off.

"Yeah." Lindsay nodded in agreement, more words – unnecessarily. Kelly was pretending that the day of the trial, the day that was going to mark a year since…Shay, didn't exist…But it wasn't too hard for anyone to read his mind, a mind occupied by dark thoughts and memories.

She put the last plate on the table and headed toward the bedroom she was sharing with Kelly. Their shared bed was empty, the water in the bathroom running. She glanced upon the untouched painkillers on the nightstand that he had been supposed to take. Cursing him for being so stubborn to decide to just eat the pain and take a shower on his own, when every movement and every breath was a challenge, she walked to the bathroom door and listened carefully for any sign of a movement inside, her gut churning.

"Kelly." Lindsay pushed the door open, a cloud of steam escaping the small room. She took a few steps forward. "Kelly…" Her heart sank when she saw him sitting in the bathtub, hot water falling on his shoulders. He was still in his boxers, his soaked shirt lying on the floor, his red eyes focused on the post-burn scars on his legs….

"Thought…I could do it." He sounded so defeated, so helpless that Lindsay felt the urge to go to the prison and strangle Spellman with whatever object she could find first.

She got it…he had made his first real step on his own a few hours earlier, and she had to admit that if she was in his shoes, she would have been just as stubborn as he was.

"Can't…get up."

"I know." She uttered, opting not to lecture him again about the painkillers…she knew from experience what he was afraid of – getting addicted again. "Just…let me help you. Casey's gonna be here soon."

But instead of taking her help, he glanced at her, feeling…ashamed.

"I've seen you naked…" She snickered before getting into the bathtub, waiting patiently until he finally grabbed her hand, her clothes getting wet…

Xxx

An hour later they were sitting at the dinner table with Matt, Gabby and Benny who had just served the salad, saving Katie's famous chicken for later.

"Couscous?" Gabby glared at Benny suspiciously and then turned to look at the strange mix of vegetables and couscous in the bowl in front of her, Kelly playing with a slice of tomato in his plate absentmindedly, Matt telling Lindsay about the reason why Boden had declined their dinner invitation – it had something to do with Donna's present for their first anniversary – a quiet night for the two of them and their baby boy, for a change.

But the topic of Casey's and Erin's conversation somehow changed rather quickly to Matt's meeting with Shaw earlier that day. Truck's Lieutenant was trying to fool the detective, or maybe himself, that it had gone well, that the shrink had helped, that he didn't need to see him again…but his tone and the expression on his face were telling a different story. Yes, he had revealed all the details about the kidnapping that he remembered, he had talked about his fears and thoughts even, but he was very far away from actually dealing with those things.

"You meeting him again next week?" Benny shot Casey a concerned glare.

"He is." Dawson replied instead of her fiancé, worry on her face. She, too, was having hard time coping with everything, with the upcoming trial, with the one-year anniversary from the murder of her best friend…she bit her lip to suppress a sob, her mind taking her back to Molly's, same time, one year earlier – Herrmann's drunken speech and… and Shay, their last night together, spent gossiping about Matt's proposal and Kelly, and Devon, and Boden's upcoming wedding.

"Gabby." Matt left his fork on the table and touched her shoulder gently.

"Yeah." She murmured, putting a brave smile on her face. She turned to look at Kelly who was staring at her with a blank expression, his mind having traveled a year back in time, just like hers. "Herrmann's…Herrmann's organizing a thing for Shay…after the trial's over tomorrow." She forced those words out, the warmth of Matt's hand on top of hers - the only thing stopping her from falling apart.

Kelly closed his eyes, suddenly having the feeling that a huge black hole underneath him was pulling him in its direction.

"It's time for - " Benny wanted to end the conversation.

"No…" Kelly uttered, raising his hand to stop his dad from getting up. No, he was stronger than the black hole. He opened his eyes and glared at no one in particular. "Sit." He ordered, his mind screaming "now or never".

Casey smirked, Doctor Shaw having hinted about Kelly's "homework" when their meeting had been officially over…

"I'll…I'll be there." Severide glanced upon Dawson before turning to look at Erin. "If you could…give me a lift?"

"Of course."

He moved his head up and down, not trusting his voice to continue…"I…" He swallowed the lump in his throat, four sets of eyes now focused on him. "Thank you for…not giving up on me." He wanted to say a lot more, but it was harder than he had expected it to be.

"Would never give up on you." Matt's voice was steady, even though his emotions weren't. "Be there for each other, right?"

"Right." Kelly mumbled in response, unable to say another word. He promised himself to talk to Matt, really talk to him, about his feelings, his nightmares and his fears, when the trial was over, when they could all breathe a sigh of relief…

Benny patted his son on the back, proud with him, with his desire to fight. He headed for the kitchen and Lindsay followed him to help, Gabby changing the topic of their conversation to Benny's salad that was the best thing she had put in her mouth in weeks.

Xxx

His hands were shaking, his black suit in complete contrast to his pale face…a year ago they had been preparing for Boden's wedding, decorating their firehouse, Shay in charge of the balloons and the cake, and the music…a year…

"Kelly!" Casey raised his voice and Severide looked up, completely lost in his thoughts, hating the wheelchair he was stuck in. "You don't have to do this. We can go home and - "

"I'm not going anywhere!" Kelly cut him off sharply. He had to make sure Spellman would get what he deserved, had to make sure it was all over…

Erin sighed, having had the same debate with him a few times already.

"Let's go inside." Benny suggested, most members of Fifty-One already inside the courtroom, Boden saving seats for the four of them in one of the middle rows.

But before Benny's hands had even landed on the wheelchair to push it forward, Kelly raised his hand as if to stop his father.

"I'll walk." Kelly rasped out, griping the edge of the wheelchair to push himself upright.

"C'mon." Matt's voice was pleading, his own legs barely supporting his weight.

"He's not gonna see me in…this."

Nobody had the strength to argue. It took Benny and Lindsay good five minutes to get Kelly to his seat, Casey sitting on his right side, Erin – on his left

Five minutes before the start of the trial, the courtroom door opened for one last time…the man who walked in, escorted by two officers, wore a smug on his face. Spellman looked around, relieved his daughters weren't there…he would never forgive himself for what he had done to them…he was well aware what sentence he was going to get, despite having given a full statement in order to secure one-to-one meetings with his kids in prison…so he was determined to make them suffer for one last time.

"He's going to rot in jail…" Mouch murmured, not giving Herrmann the chance to say something he would regret…

Xxx

Three hours after the trial had started, Kelly wasn't even pretending to be listening anymore…he had stopped paying attention a few seconds after Spellman had pleaded guilty…but the judge wanted to hear what Voight and his team had to say, Hank having insisted on that, just to make sure the jury would give him the right sentence…then it was Herrmann's turn…and when Christopher's emotions got the better of him, and he started calling Spellman names that even grown-ups shouldn't hear, the judge announced an hour long break. Matt tried to force Kelly to eat something, but Severide refused to take even the bottle of water Lindsay bought…

It was past 2pm when the judge finally called Spellman's name…he took his place behind the witness stand and glanced upon the clock on the wall opposite him before meeting Kelly's eyes.

"Don't." Matt kept his voice low, but firm, and shook his head, leaning forward to block Severide's line of sight.

By the time Spellman had sworn to tell the truth only, both Matt and Erin could hear Kelly's labored breathing…and when he lifted his shaky hand to loosen his tie, it was their clue that he was completely losing it.

Severide sank in his seat and leaned back, sliding his sweaty hands into the pockets of his pants. He could see Spellman opening and closing his mouth, but his mind couldn't understand the meaning of the words said…until Shay's name was mentioned…

"I was watching from a distance." Spellman admitted without a trace of sorrow in his voice…he was proud with himself, and it made everyone, including the jury, sick. "Lieutenant Severide said something to Leslie Shay before they entered the building…actually, I've just noticed the time, quarter to three" His twisted smile grew wider. "I guess it marks a year…I mean, I read Shay's lips at quarter to three, their moment was so heart-breaking… Always."

"Always." Kelly's mind screamed…seconds later he saw himself curled up on the floor of Chicago Med's waiting room…and she was gone. The images of random bars flashed in front of his eyes, Vegas…Brittany…Erin sitting next to him on the floor of the Fire Academy…the fire at Herrmann's house, the memorial service for Shay…Spellman's trap…Hadley's trial…

It was all a mess in his head, a mess that hurt like hell.

"Kelly!"

"Ahhh" He wailed, writhing in pain, struggling to stay conscious as more and more memories rushed into his head...

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Lol, who wants to wring Spellman's neck now? Something tells me he won't be so mouthy when he gets back into prison…

Lots of angst and hurt in this chapter, but hey, Linseride finally kissed, Kelly opened up a bit ^^ Hope you liked their moments.

A big thank you to Newperson, whom I cannot pm back, and everyone else, for the continuous support! You bring a smile on my face each week.

Would love to hear your opinion so please review before you go, thanks :)