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Ch. 21- "Slightly Sugarcoated"
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A/N- Less game plot, more Nerr plot
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"Instead of swallowing lies, instead of buried alive, let's twist the knife till they can't stop bleeding..."
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It would take nearly another week before the Nohrian regiment reached the "Eternal Staircase", as it was known as. The path through the mountain cave lead straight to the capital, or rather, to the enforcements surrounding the capital. If King Garon did not send reinforcements by the time they reached the Wall of Susano-O, they would not be able to approach the capital at all. Xander sent a message with a wyvern lord, hoping that they would be able to get back to Izumo and see it delivered from there, in the meantime, suggesting that they make camp somewhere obscure. With their numbers cut almost in half due to the dead and wounded, their camp would not be very large, and they managed to find a decent sized clearing with a thickly wooded area.
Nerr's first thought was that the relative darkness afforded by the trees would make it easy for Hoshidan shinobi assassins to sneak up on them undetected, but she quickly remembered that ninja could sneak up on someone in the open in full daylight, so she was worrying for naught. As she had been doing often, once she'd helped set up their encampment, the princess stalked off to be alone. On the one hand, a part of her wanted to seek out the others and enjoy their company (especially a that of a certain knight...), but at the same time, she felt terrible, physically and mentally. She wondered briefly if her physical malaise wasn't contributing to her mental fatigue, or vice versa. A dull, throbbing headache made her thoughts feel as if they were being dragged through thick mud, and her stomach had been churning all day.
She wished she could go to Elise and ask if she had some magic cure for feeling terrible, but then the younger princess would panic and probably run and tell Leo, and then Camilla and Xander would find out, and everything would go down hill from there. Approaching Jakob played out the same way in her mind, as did Felicia to a lesser extent. That was why she missed Flora; Flora asked no questions and told nobody anything. Groaning softly, she leaned against one of the trees, contemplating going back to her tent and taking a nap, when a male voice called out through the tree.
"Nerr! Hey, Nerr, are you here? I know I saw you come this way..."
"Silas..." She turned towards the direction of the voice (losing half an ear didn't seem to hurt her hearing in a profound way), waiting until the cavalier pushed his way through the branches and undergrowth. There was a spider web in his swept back hair. "What's wrong? Is something on fire?" Silas chuckled as he reached her.
"No. Unless..." His green eyes widened. "Oh god, is there?! Do you smell smoke?!"
"No. I was joking."
"Oh. Right. Heh heh..." He chuckled weakly. "Sometimes I get wound up and freak out over things. It's hard not to, when there's fighting at every turn and ninja constantly sneaking up on you..."
"What do you mean, ninja sneaking up on you?" Nerr asked sharply. Had the assassins tried to go after him, or anyone else? Her pulse quickened, but Silas didn't notice, shaking his head in exasperation.
"Oh, it's that guy, Kaze. I know he's not trying to do anything malicious, but every time I turn around and he's standing there, I get a little heart attack. I wish he would just leave me alone sometimes..."
"He's brothering you?" That didn't sound like Kaze; as far as she knew, the Hoshidan man kept mostly to himself, rarely going out of his way to approach others. Shura was like that as well- she assumed it was just a shinobi thing.
"Well... I wouldn't call it 'bothering' since he's not trying to be annoying. He's trying to be helpful, but the problem is, I don't want help. When we were fighting those Kitsune, I attacked one that was about to jump him from behind, and since then, he's gotten it in his head that he owes me a life debt." Nerr smiled slightly.
"Yeah... he's kind of big on paying back debts, perceived or otherwise. Well... just let him save your life the next time we're in the heat of battle- that should even it out." Silas sighed, leaning against another tree.
"Yeah, I thought about that too. The problem is, what if he's not there when my life is in danger? I might get stabbed in the butt waiting for him to be a hero." The princess laughed aloud despite herself.
"Yes, our next battle will be the toughest yet, going up against the Hoshidan Butt Stabber!"
"I can carry this battle singlehandedly- nobody's going near my butt." They met each other's gazes, and dissolved into a fit of laughter. Even when their giggles died down, Nerr still smiled, feeling slightly better.
"Oh, I haven't laughed like that in a long time..."
"I know." Silas smiled as well, but his eyes seemed a bit wistful. "When we were kids, you used to laugh all the time. I mean, I get it; you've got a lot on your plate, but... I kind of miss that cheer. You know, Princess Elise is always going around saying we need to relax and have fun. Everyone kind of just brushes her off, but I think she's right. Being miserable and upset all the time isn't doing anyone any sort of favors."
"I know..." Nerr could not help but feel he was saying that specifically about her. She didn't want to be miserable and upset all the time, but it was hard to feel anything but. Rather than let her sink into unhappiness again, Silas reached out, tugging on her ponytail as if it were a bell pull.
"Hey. Snap out of it. No being sad now. Hey, why don't we take a little trip together?" Nerr was about to testily tell him that she was not to be rung for service, but his words threw her for a loop.
"A trip? Like, once the war is over, or off a short pier? Because I'm not about to go making a suicide pact with you..."
"Whoa! That took a dark turn. No, I mean, go someplace. When we were little, you always used to tell me about all the places you wishes you could go, but since you were locked up in the mountains, you couldn't go anywhere. Well, there's nothing stopping us now!"
"Nothing except the war." Silas chuckled, pulling something from his trouser pocket.
"Hey, we don't have to make plans to go to Cyrkensia or the Festival of Serinitas just yet. You wanted to see a lot of stuff that couldn't be found in the mountains." He waved a piece of paper in front of her face. "This is all the stuff I remember you talking about. We can see some of it on our route, I'm sure. Hells, if everything hadn't gone to shit so fast, we could've seen a lot of it back in Izumo."
"Like what?" Nerr remembered longing for so many of the things she'd read about in books, or heard about from people when she was young. With freedom laid out before her, though, it seemed that every childish desire fell away... Well... almost every childish desire. Locking his fingers behind his head, Silas looked up at the leafy canopy, where sunlight was filtering through.
"Stuff like a town plaza, a street food stall... you said something a 'workhouse' one time, but I chalked that up to temporary insanity. I mean, I know you wanted to see all this stuff in Nohr, but Hoshido can serve as a kind of... introductory course. Besides, you wanted to see things like flowers and rivers and bugs, too, and they're pretty much the same no matter where you are."
"...I'm still not buying that thing about bugs. You're making that up to screw with me. It's stupid; the Northern Citadel was overrun with bugs- I could see those any time."
"You wanted to see pretty bugs, like butterflies and dragonflies. I caught some fireflies to show you one time, but they died before I got there..." Nerr could not help but smile slightly as she imagined a young Silas running around, trying to gather little darting points of light in a jar.
"You're a good friend, Silas. I was lucky to have you back then, and I'm lucky to have you now." Silas laughed heartily.
"You sure are; I'm so wonderful. But really, I always thought I was the lucky one. You were the first friend I ever had, and even though we couldn't spend a lot of time together, you really helped me. Everything got a lot easier when I stopped being so shy all the time, and if you hadn't inspired me to become a knight, I'd probably be a shiftless wastrel burning through my parent's money. I owe you a lot, and I'm glad I can be here for you now, whether it's to stand by your side in battle, or organize a flower viewing trip."
"Is that why you came here? To take me on a date to look at flowers?" She said in a teasing tone, but the young knight slapped a hand to his forehead.
"Ugh! No, I'm so stupid! I knew I was forgetting something! Jakob told me to find you because he fixed your hair doodad." Nerr gasped in delight, rushing up to Silas and clasping his hands.
"He did?! Take me to him!" Chuckling, he led her out past the clearing where the camp was.
"You know, I never remembered you caring about jewelry, Nerr. The noble girls I had to talk to only cared about their new necklaces and earrings, and what kind of dresses were in season... How do dresses have seasons? Like they're fruit or something..."
"Well, I don't care about jewelry. I have maybe one or two things that were gifts from Camilla and Elise, but it's not like I'd be able to show it off."
"Then why-"
"It was a gift." Nerr said preemptively. "A birthday present that is very dear to me. Besides, it serves a purpose- it helps keep my hair back. And even if it didn't, I'm the princess, and I can like whatever jewelry I want." At the other side of the camp, Nerr saw Jakob standing with Felicia and Gunther, apparently arguing with the older man about something while the rose-haired maid tried to act as a mediator to no avail. The moment she drew closer, the steward's hostility fell away and he regarded her with a beaming smile.
"Ah, Lady Nerr, there you are. I see someone took his sweet time in finding you." Silas rolled his eyes, but said nothing. The princess let his snide remark slide off her.
"You fixed my hairpin?"
"Of course, milady. Here it is, good as new. Better, even, for I polished it and adjusted the clasp for you." He handed the brass pin, polished to a luster. Gunther scowled at him.
"You fixed it? You helped, at best, boy. I fixed it." Jakob's sterling grin turned sour as he fixed the knight with a hateful stare.
"Your twitchy hands were shaking so much, if you had been left to your own devices, you'd have ruined everything, old man."
"My hands are twitchy because you can't heal worth a damn. I did all the hard work- you don't know the first thing about soldering."
"Any village idiot can melt metal- it takes finesse and skill to set jewelery." Felicia sighed as the men continued arguing.
"Some things never change..." She muttered to Nerr. "They were arguing about this when I found them here, and they're still going strong. They've known each other for so long- they should be friends by now!"
"They are friends." The princess intoned. "They're just the kind of friends that would rather lose a finger than admit they care about each other."
"Men are so silly." Silas, who had been watching the scene unfold with an air of amusement, turned to Felicia, affronted.
"Hey. Don't lump all of us in with them. I swear, women all think men have nothing but rocks in their heads. And that kind of behavior isn't helping." He gestured to the retainers, who seemed to forget that they had an audience. The maid giggled from behind her hands.
"I'm sorry, Sir Silas. You're right; you seem very mature and level headed. I wish those two would learn from your example. I don't think a year can go by without them finding something to resent each other over." Nerr hadn't been listening to the conversation for long, but at those words sparked a realization in her mind. Her birthday had been four, almost five, months ago. That meant...
"Oh my gods... it's a new year." Her retainers stopped their squabbling to look at her.
"Milady?"
"What are you talking about, Lady Nerr?"
"The new year came... and we didn't even notice." Silas frowned thoughtfully, counting silently.
"You're right. It was about... two days ago, while we were marching away from the Wind Tribe's land. I probably wouldn't have even realized it if you hadn't said anything."
"All this fighting and death... It doesn't feel like a new year." Felicia looked despondent. "It's like being locked in a little room, fighting this war. Every day passes the same as the one before it- time might as well not be flowing at all." Nerr was not as upset as the maid, and she turned to nostalgia.
"If we were back at the Citadel, we'd have been celebrating. By which, of course, I mean 'getting smashed'." All her servants muttered in agreement, with Silas looking aghast.
"You all got drunk for the new year?"
"What else were we going to do, locked away in an isolated fortress?" Jakob snapped. "Host a gala fo all the elite Nohrian nobility and dance until dawn?"
"Sometimes we danced." Nerr reminded him, and Felicia nodded happily.
"Oh, remember when Flora and I taught you those traditional Freesian folk tunes, and you played them for us on the violin, milady? That was so much fun! It was almost like being home again."
"Perhaps that was why we didn't notice how much time had passed..." Nerr turned towards the older knight.
"What do you mean, Gunther?"
"It's still the dead of winter. Back in the Northern Citadel, we'd be buried under snow right now. How can it feel like the new year when it's so balmy?"
"I hadn't even thought about that."
"Oh! Oh! I can fix that! Kind of..." Felicia rubbed her hands together before lifting them above her head. The ice magic that erupted from her palms shot through the air, before fluttering down to dust them in snow. Knowing she was behaving very unlike a princess (Xander would've scolded her if he had seen), Nerr laughed with delight, twirling as the snowflakes landed on her face and arms, melting as they brushed her skin. Even Jakob chuckled a bit.
"You're right, Felicia- this does look more like new year's."
"Gods, that's amazing, Felicia." Silas reached out, grabbing at the flurries. The maid laughed slightly, pressing her hands against one of the tree trunks, frost swirling in beautiful branching patterns from where she made contact.
"Hehe... Thanks, Sir Silas. But this is nothing- my father could cover this whole place in snow if he wanted to."
"Snow might melt in this weather." Gunther reminded her, reaching out to brush a finger against the frost covering the tree, a small smile on his lips. "But this is lovely, Felicia. All we need now is to write each others resolutions, and it will be like being home again." Stopping her childish spinning for a moment, and feeling very dizzy, Nerr laughed slightly.
"We can still do that. Heck, that might be the only thing we can do."
"Wait. Each others resolutions?" The princess turned to the confused cavalier. Were their holiday traditions really so strange?
"Yeah. It's boring to write resolutions for yourself, so we would write them for each other and draw them. At the end of the year, we would tell each other who came up with who's resolution."
"I still don't know who wrote mine." Jakob grumbled. " 'Smile more'. What kind of asinine resolution is that? ...unless you wrote it, Lady Nerr, in which case, it was a brilliant, thoughtful suggestion."
"No, I had Flora's. I said she should relax more, but clearly that fell on deaf ears."
"Don't look at me!" Felicia took a step back as Jakob turned his withering stare in her direction. "I had Sir Gunther's!" At that, Gunther glared at her as well.
"That was you? 'Try to be less scary'?" Whimpering, the maid ducked behind her mistress.
"Well... it wouldn't hurt you to try..." Wrapping an arm around her pitiful servant, Nerr frowned.
"Well then, who had Jakob's? Flora? Lilith?" She turned a scrutinizing gaze to the older man, to which he nonchalantly responded,
"He has a nice smile. I thought it would be a pleasant change of pace if someone other than Lady Nerr got to see it. You'll never get married if you scowl at every woman you meet."
"The only woman who matters in my life is Lady Nerr; ergo, I don't need to waste energy smiling at anyone else." The princess laughed slightly at that.
"You are a lost cause, Jakob. Your loyalty means the world to me, but surely you don't want to be my servant forever? You want to get married to some pretty lady and have children, little mini Jakobs tugging at your apron strings..." The steward noticeably shuddered at the thought.
"That sounds like a custom designed Hell... I've said it before, and I will say it again; you are the only woman I could ever swear fealty to, Lady Nerr, and I-"
"Nerr!" Jakob's words were cut off by the sound of Xander's sharp tone. Mentally, Nerr groaned; had he seen her cavorting with the help, and had come to warn her that princesses did not do such things? Turning, her brows furrowed in confusion as she watched her brother stomp through the undergrowth to get to her. Despite the fact that there were twigs in his blonde curls, he didn't look any less intimidating. Still, she decided the best thing to do in such situations was to play dumb.
"Yes, brother? Is something wrong?"
"I would have words with you, Nerr. Come with me."
Swallowing hard, she suppressed the urge to flinch. Oh, she did not want words to be had with her, but when the crown prince spoke that phrase, you let him yell at you. Without a word of farewell to her servants, lest that be seen as some sort of rebellious gesture, Nerr followed her elder brother back to camp. She frowned deeply when she saw Pieri standing there, swinging her arms back and forth. The cavalier's miffed expression turned downright hateful when she saw Nerr, and when the prince moved to stand beside his retainer, she felt as if lead had settled in the pit of her stomach. She knew exactly what this was about, but would not allow herself to be rattled, especially when she had done nothing wrong... Well, perhaps it had been wrong, but it was the lesser of two evils as far as she was concerned.
"What's the matter, Xander?"
"Nerr... Pieri has raised a serious accusation against you. She says that you attacked her, wounding her grievously." Narrowing her eyes, the princess looked the other girl up and down, before returning her attention to Xander.
"I see no wounds. Your retainer seems perfectly whole and intact."
"Liar! You stabbed Pieri, for no reason at all! You made my hand all bloody- there was a big hole in it! I couldn't even hold a spoon!"
"You seem to be able to hold a sword just fine." She noted, as the cavalier reached for the grip of her sword. Xander paid no attention to that, keeping his firm gaze on his sister.
"Is this true, Nerr? Did you attack Pieri?"
"Attacked? Of course not. Defended against, perhaps, and that little slattern of yours is lying, Xander- there was a very good reason for it."
"Oh? And pray tell, what reason justifies an attack against a royal retainer?"
"Why don't you ask her that? She'll tell you that spilling tea on someone while being a servant is a crime deserving of death, royal retainer or not. At least, I assume that's why she felt justified in attacking Felicia." Xander blinked in surprise.
"...she attacked your maid?" Regaining his composure, the older man frowned again. "You should've reported that to me, rather than take matters into your own hands, Nerr."
"She was actively hunting Felicia down when I confronted her, Xander. She admitted she was planning on killing her."
"Still. There are rules-"
"Rules like not murdering people just because the whim strike you?!" Nerr shouted at him, disgust and anger mixing together into a potent cocktail inside her. How dare he stand there and lecture her when that... that harlot, that murdering fiend stood beside him? "Don't tell me about rules, Xander; not when you can't explain them to that spoiled brat you call a retainer."
"Pieri follows the rules! Pieri always listens to Prince Xander. You're the one who doesn't follow rules- you're the bad one!"
"What rules don't I follow? Not letting you do whatever you want like your whoreson father?" Nerr spat at the other girl. Pieri glared back at her, almost shaking with rage.
"You're not s'posed to engage in 'e-liss-it' relationships with other soldiers. 'Specially not peasants." Nerr's blood ran cold, but her face remained as upset and disgusted as it had been. Xander, on the other hand, looked affronted.
"What is she talking about, Nerr?"
"How should I know? The girl clearly has some sort of mental retardation- she probably doesn't understand half of the words she's saying."
"Hey! You can't call Pieri retarded! You know what I'm talking about! I heard Princess Elise telling Prince Leo what she saw you doing with that gross old man. She said he had his hand up your shirt. Nasty!" The crown prince's gaze turned glacial, his tone hard, nary a shred of compassion.
"This is true, sister? You were... intimate with your retainer?" The way he spat out that word, intimate, like it was a poison turned her stomach, but still, Nerr kept her face impassive, save for a bit of anger. She'd faced the king's wrath; her brother's could not compare.
"I don't really see how that's any of your business either way, brother. You don't tell me of your conquests, so I feel no need to tell you of mine."
"As the crown prince of Nohr, I am ordering you to speak, Nerr!"
"Then you'd best get your thumbscrews ready, Xander, because I am done talking. You care more about stupid rumors than the fact that your retainer tried to kill one of our soldiers. Shameful... I have nothing more to say to you." She turned away from him, and began heading back to her tent. Xander reached out, grabbing her arm and turning her back around to face him.
"This conversation is not over, little princess..."
"It is if I stop listening. I won't have you try to publicly humiliate me in front of my soldiers, of which you are one, in case you've forgotten. And you're out of line." Seeing that she had no intention of backing down from his hard stare, the older man slowly released her arm.
"You may be our commander, but I am the head of this family in our father's absence. You will meet me in my tent tonight, after dinner. And you will bring Gunther with you. That is an order." He turned on his heel, storming away. With his cold fury no longer directed at her, Nerr let out the breath she had been holding. She'd messed up, she'd messed up big time. Xander was clearly not in a good mood, but...
The cogs began turning in her mind. Perhaps there was still a way to get out of this mess un-exectued. All she had to do was convince Xander to leave her alone. She could do that, easy. After all, she'd been schooled in diplomacy long and hard, not to mention... less savory methods of dealing with people. That was the Nohrian way, after all. Everyone had a weakness to be exploited, some sore spot that could be dug into until the pain broke them, and though it pained her to think of even considering anything that would hurt her brother, he was leaving her no choice. And, if that failed, whatever messenger he sent to their father could probably be persuaded to exchange his message with another one, perhaps an invoice for weapons. Sighing deeply, she was just about to go and tell Gunther the bad news when a high pitched cackle stopped her. Pieri was leering at her, a nasty smirk on her lips.
"Ooohhh, you're in trouble" She crooned. "When Prince Xander orders that pervy old man of yours to be executed, I hope he lets me do it. I'm good at decapitation, but it takes a few swings to- Ooof!" She doubled over as Nerr drove her fist into the other girl's gut, toppling her over with a quick shove as she reeled in pain.
"The next time you speak in such a manner to me, I'll cut off your lips and feed them to you. Go tell Xander that, you little tattletale." Paying no mind to the pitiful whimpers behind her, the princess turned around and stomped away.
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Nerr had no appetite for dinner that night, the sight of Xander sitting there speaking to Azura enough to send her running off to vomit in the bushes. The last thing she wanted was to be talking to him and throw up all over his shoes- that had happened before, and it had been mortifying. Then again, given the way he was acting, it wouldn't be undeserved... No, no she had to remain composed and aloof. She might as well have been preparing to negotiate with a murderous despot, the way she felt. As she approached Xander's tent later that night and found Gunther standing outside it, it was clear he felt just as terrible as she did, if not more so. It was so strange to see him rocking back and forth on his heels that she was tempted to just stand and watch for a little. That was what he had done when he'd asked her whom she had feelings for. So her stern, unflappable knight had a nervous tic- in any other situation, that would've been an adorable realization, but unfortunately, this was this situation. Approaching the older man, she slipped her hand in his, giving him credit for not jumping (she would have).
"Chin up, Gunther. It won't be so bad." She lied. He shook his head, never taking his eyes from the tent flap, as if it were a portal to hell.
"I am going to be very executed..."
"Not while I draw breath. Don't worry, my love; I won't let anyone hurt you." Gunther laughed humorlessly.
"I'm supposed to say that to you..."
"This one time, I can do the protecting. Come on, you know Xander doesn't appreciate tardiness." Tugging on her reluctant retainer's hand, she approached the tent flaps. "Knock knock. Xander, I've come for you to have words with me."
"Enter." Pushing the flaps open, she stepped inside. Her brother's tent was as large as hers, and quite a bit more organized. A low table covered with parchment sat in the middle, housing also an inkwell and lantern. The crown prince sat at the table, his expression dark as he looked at her. Camilla sat beside him, polishing the intricate designs carved into her Artemis ax. Her gaze, while warm when she looked up at Nerr, immediately turned hateful as she noticed Gunther. Ignoring that, Nerr addressed Xander.
"Are we to sit on the floor like naughty children? Really, brother; a power play this early, and such an obvious one? You were taught better than that..." Being called out on his immature tactic, the blonde man gestured to a pair of stools beside his bed. Keeping her head high and shoulders back, Nerr fetched them and sat the on the other side of the table, sitting as proud and straight as if she were seated upon a throne. Gunther seemed much less at ease, and she reached out to squeeze his hand, hoping to give him some of her courage- the gods knew he'd done the same often enough for her. The gesture did not go unnoticed by Xander, who scowled at their hands before looking back up at her.
"You know why you're here, Nerr."
"I really don't. Do you take aside all of the soldiers who engage in 'illicit relationships', or am I a special case?"
"You are a princess of Nohr!" He snapped at her, loosing his cool. "You should know better than this! I told you about this, Nerr, I warned you!"
"You said Father would arrange a political marriage for me. There has been no talk of marriage. There hasn't even been a betrothal."
"There hasn't been time for that! The war-" Xander tried to cobble together an excuse, but Nerr would not allow him to.
"The war was only officially declared a few months ago. Most betrothals are arranged long before a girl reaches her majority. And, if Father was really concerned about political arrangements, wouldn't he be using Camilla for those? After all, a true Nohrian princess would be far more desirable than a Hoshidan mongrel." Knowing that he was beaten, the prince didn't even try to make a counterargument.
"This is not about Camilla, or Father, or anyone else. This is about you, Nerr. You-"
"This is his fault, isn't it?" Camilla, who had been quietly seething the whole time, suddenly cried out in anger, jabbing an accusatory finger at Gunther, who instinctively leaned back as far as he could to escape her ire. "He started all this, didn't he, Nerr? Did he seduce you? Force himself on you?! I knew letting you live alone with male retainers was a horrible idea; I told Father, but he wouldn't listen to me!" The older princess was working herself into such hysterics, it was a bit frightening. Reaching across the table, she grabbed Nerr's free hand, staring imploringly into her sister's eyes. "It's alright, darling. You don't have to be ashamed of anything. You just tell me what that horrible man did to you, and I'll make him pay!" Wrenching her hand back in disgust, the younger girl drew back as far from her sister as she could while seated.
"That's disgusting, Camilla! How dare you make such accusations against Gunther?! This man has done nothing but protect me my whole life, and I won't let you try to paint him as some kind of deviant."
"Only deviants grope girls young enough to be their daughters." She shot back, glaring at the older man with such hatred, it seemed a miracle she had not leapt across the table to rip him apart with her bare hands. "I don't know what you did to my precious little Nerr, or how you're threatening her to keep her quiet, but I will find out, and I will murder you."
"I would never do anything to hurt Lady Nerr. She is the most important person in all the world to me!" Anger had a miraculous way of overruling all other emotions, and Gunther glared back at Camilla with just as much hatred. Xander's gaze burned with a colder fury.
"If she matters so much to you, why would you tarnish her reputation in such a horrible way? You know that she's the one who bears the shame of this, not you. You would let people whisper cruelly about your liege because you were too weak to remember your station? Have you no shame, Sir Gunther?" The older knight looked as if he had been slapped, all of his anger fading away at those words. Snarling, Nerr rounded on her brother.
"Oh, spare me, Xander. Your courtiers and nobles have been whispering about me since they day they found out I existed. When I wasn't King Garon's illegitimate love child, I was a Hoshidan dog, and if I'm not a Hoshidan dog, I'm a Hoshidan spy. Or maybe I'm just a traitor. Hells, I've probably been a whore to those people since I was five- why else would the king keep me locked away in disgrace? Anyone who thinks me a harlot for daring to show affection to the man I love must not have a high opinion of me to begin with." Xander grit his teeth so hard at those words she could hear them grinding from where she sat. Camilla's hands fluttered nervously.
" 'Love'?" She whispered with a weak chuckle that showed no humor. "Don't say such silly things, dear. A childhood infatuation is no reason to let your name be dragged through the mud, and if that miserable waste of breath told you otherwise, I'll-"
"That's enough, Camilla. You can stop with your empty threats. You can't honestly believe I'd actually let you do anything to hurt Gunther, so you might as well stop thinking about it." Nerr leaned back, inhaling deeply. "And this is no simple crush. I love him, with all my heart and soul. He is my reason for living. I would die for him without a second thought. And to that end, we are betrothed. I felt you should know." Breathing deeply, Xander tried to calm himself. It seemed he was having a great deal of difficulty.
"Nerr... A silly, romantic promise means nothing. I have explained this to you already, and I know you understand. You cannot marry below you. It is not done. Father will never allow it. I won't allow it-"
"You seem to be operating under the delusion that I'm asking for your permission, Xander. I'm not; I'm telling you what's happening. Gunther and I are getting married after the war, and if you wish to give your blessing, I would love that. But gods help us both if you try to stop me... If you, or Father, tries to tie me down to some puffed up lord who sees me as a piece of meat to help advance his station, I worry something unpleasant might happen."
"Was that a threat?"
"Gods no!" She shook her head. "I would never dream of threatening the nobility; after all, we all know the law does not apply to them, and I wouldn't want anyone trying to kill me over this. I'd consider it more of a... premonition. Of the stabbing variety." Camilla sniffled, shaking her head.
"This isn't like you. This isn't who you are. I don't understand... How can you act so selfish, Nerr? Don't you know we only want what's best for you- and it's not that peasant! Why are you acting so belligerent towards us?" The anger surging in Nerr's stomach hurt, but she refused to show any outward sign of frustration.
"I'm selfish? Let me tell you a little story about selfishness, sister. Once upon a time, there was a strong, beautiful princess who loved to surround herself with other strong, beautiful women. So one day, when an assassin came in the night to murder her, rather than have said assassin thrown into the dungeons to be executed so she could never threaten anyone again, the princess made her a royal retainer!"
"Nerr... stop it..." Camilla looked down, clearly upset, and Nerr grinned, fully intent on driving her point home as unpleasantly as she could.
"Oh no, Camilla; I haven't gotten to the best part yet! You see, said assassin-turned-retainer never really stopped accepting contracts. She's accepted quite a few, including one on none other than the crown prince of Nohr himself!" Both Camilla and Xander looked stunned at this revelation, as did Gunther, but he wasn't the one she was trying to appall.
"No... no, that can't-"
"How did you know about that, Nerr?" The elder princess turned her shock to their brother.
"What are you saying, Xander? You knew about this? Why didn't you tell me?!" The prince remained silent, still waiting on Nerr to answer.
"Word spreads fast in an army regiment, brother. Somebody's always eavesdropping on someone else. And I must say, I find it troubling that you didn't report this, I'm sure there're rules about this kind of thing, but I digress. Back to my story..." She turned back to Camilla, who was looking down at the table, abject horror on her face. "So the princess, who claimed to love her family sooo much continued letting a remorseless, cold-blooded killer incapable of feeling human emotion live alongside them, not caring who's life was put in danger because she had gotten what she wanted. And they all lived happily ever after, except for the people unlucky enough to not avoid being killed by the assassin. The end. Well? Did you like my story, sister?"
"I- I didn't... I wouldn't... I... I would never..." The older sister could barely string her words together through the tears dripping from her cheeks and onto the table. Nerr started to feel bad about what she had done, but that voice in the back of her head reminded her that she was simply telling the truth. Sparing a quick glance at the woman beside him, Xander turned back to her, frowning deeply.
"That is enough, Nerr. You've made your point-"
"No, I don't think I have, Xander. I don't think you even understand what my point is; I know I'm going about this in a very loquacious manner. You see, there seems to be a considerable double standard concerning the real royals and myself, and I'm not sure you're even aware of it. What I've come to understand is that you all can do whatever you please, regardless of whom it puts in danger or otherwise affects, while I'm the one who has to be bound by rules, even when there's no point to them."
"That is not true. All of us must act in a manner befitting royalty, and we may not do whatever we please. We are beholden to the people-"
" 'We' not meaning 'you', and 'people' not meaning 'peasants' or 'servants', because otherwise, you would've brought that serial killer in your employ to justice long ago." Breathing out sharply through his nose, the prince leaned back, trying to put distance between them. Nerr leaned forward across the table, unwilling to let him escape.
"You do not understand, Nerr. There were... circumstances-"
"No, there weren't! Circumstances don't matter!" She scoffed loudly. "If a commoner kills a noble, they're put to death, by hanging and disembowelment. It doesn't matter if they were in fear of their life! That's the most basic aspect of Nohrian law. You just don't feel nobles should be bound by those same rules. You're perfectly alright letting a mass murderer who gleefully admits that she has killed numerous people, simply because she was taught that people of a lower social class aren't humans, run loose amongst soldiers of lower social classes. And when this is brought to your attention, you just change the subject, because nothing matters but what the crown prince of Nohr wants."
"Nerr, that is enough."
"Nerr..." Gunther, who had been listening in silence the whole time, squeezed her hand tightly. "Please, stop. You're going to get yourself killed over this..."
"What do you mean, she's going to get herself killed?" Xander snarled at the older man. "If I'm going to kill anyone, it's you, for filling my sister's head with this anti-nobility nonsense!"
"You think me a fool, brother. You think I don't have a thought in my head aside what was poured in there by others... Gunther only speaks what everyone else in the army thinks. What the kingdom as a whole probably thinks. You let your little executioner run free, slaughtering indiscriminately. You clearly don't care when people die, ordering everyone to 'forget' it ever happened, like it was simply a plate that broke rather than a person losing their life, so why would anyone have reason to assume you care if I live or die? The servants and soldiers know more about you than I do." She scoffed, shaking her head in disgust.
"How can the man I once thought was a hero, a paragon of everything good and just in the world, turn out to be nothing more than a coward who balks at the thought of justice because it might make his social peers think less of him?"
"That is enough!" Xander got to his feet, knocking his chair over. The anger in his eyes could barely flicker through the sadness there. "I am no coward, Nerr, and I won't let you sit there and say that I am."
"Of course not. No one can speak ill of the crown prince. But what do they think, I wonder, when they see you cavorting with your murderer...? Do they think how proud they are of their beloved prince, how much they love him, though their lives clearly mean nothing to him? I don't know, but I can tell you this; they'd certainly think kinder thoughts seeing me hand in hand with the war hero who fought for them, who put his life on the line so you would have a throne to ascend one day... I never dreamed I'd say this, but you make me sick, Xander." Swallowing hard, the blonde man closed his eyes, trying to steady his breathing. Were it anyone else, Nerr would've thought they were trying not to cry. Though she'd never want to admit it to herself, she was trying not to cry, her eyes prickling with tears and her throat tight, but she was in control of her emotions. Xander himself had taught her that she always must be- 'Conceal it, don't feel it. Don't let it show'... When he spoke, his voice was quiet, but even.
"You have become quite cruel, little princess. Father would be pleased to know that soft heart of yours has turned to ice."
"No, brother. I haven't become anything; I've just realized that I'm a horrible person. I see now exactly how right Leo was in saying this is the only way to survive, because everywhere I turn, I am disappointed with what I learn about the people I love. I was so happy in the Northern Citadel, because there was no one there to tell me how foolish I was to be so. I only saw the best of you in there, the best of all of you. I can't stand the fact that you're just as bad as this..." She stood, pulling Gunther to his feet, and the knight obeyed her, in a stupor. "You've all been telling me to act more like you, so that's exactly what I'm going to do from now on. Gunther will be sleeping in my tent from this point forward. I assume that won't be a problem? If it is, he can always go and murder someone in cold blood; that would probably bring him right up to your standards." The crown prince cringed slightly, an imperceptible movement, but one her cold eyes noticed nonetheless.
"No... All things considered, I suppose it would not be a problem at present..." Xander's voice remained quiet, and with a quick nod, Nerr left the tent, her retainer trailing behind. Once she was outside, she sighed deeply, only shutting her eyes. They burned, not just from the moisture pricking at them, but from keeping them open for so long. She did not want either of her older siblings to take any momentary lack of eye contact as a sign of weakness. That had been an ordeal...
"Nerr..." Gunther's voice was so quiet, she could scarcely hear him. Rubbing her eyes quickly, she turned towards the older man, smiling.
"Yes, darling?"
"...why did you do that?" He sounded the way she'd felt when she first killed a man, so long ago back at Castle Krakenburg, that hollow mixture of horror and sadness.
"Do what? Remind my brother and sister that they're horrible, selfish people who have no business judging me?"
"They're your family, Nerr. You can't be so cold to them-"
"Why not? Hmm? Tell me, Gunther; why shouldn't I point out their stupidity, their selfish thoughtlessness that only serves to put others in danger? No one else does! They dare try to make me out as a villain, simply for wanting to be with the man I love, while they let murderers run around camp with complete disregard to anyone's safety! Unless you think they're right? You think it's fair that they can do whatever they want, no matter who it hurts, but I can't have an ounce of freedom even though the only thing in the world I want affects no one but you and me?" Her heart pounded a thousand beats a minute, her breath coming in short bursts, as if she had just run for miles. Nerr did not know what she expected him to say at that point, but if he gave any inkling that he agreed with Xander and didn't think they should be together, she was going to kill herself, though not before killing Pieri in the most painful, gruesome way she could for starting this whole mess. Gunther sighed, shaking his head sadly.
"Of course I don't think that, Nerr. I've told you; I loathe people who abuse their power. But I don't want to come between you and your family. I don't want you to drive them to tears to try and defend me."
"Oh, please. As if Xander has tear ducts... Besides, truth be told, I was barely thinking about you about halfway through that. That was just pure, unadulterated hatred for my brother spewing out at that point. I told him what that bitch Pieri did to Felicia, and he just brushed it off! Like, 'Oh, that's nice that your loyal servant was almost murdered by my retainer, but back to the topic at hand...'! Believe me, Gunther..." She took both of her beloved's hands into her own, rubbing her thumb over the backs of his scarred knuckles. "If anyone is coming between me and my family, it is my family. Thank the gods Leo and Elise and Azura aren't following Father's footsteps and becoming psychotic despots... I don't know what I would do then. I need you. I need someone in my corner who isn't going to betray me by revealing that they're secretly a monster."
"I would never betray you, Nerr..." The older man drew her into a tight embrace, and she relaxed in his arms, not caring that anyone walking by could see them.
"Is that how you see me then, dearest?" Nerr jumped at least a foot in the air, her heart thundering in her chest. Gasping for breath, she looked around Gunther to see Camilla standing behind them, the eye not covered by her hair red and swollen. There were visible tracks on her cheeks where tears were still drying. "A psychotic despot? A monster? That's how my precious little baby sister thinks of me..." She dropped her head, weeping softly. The younger princess felt as if someone had punched her in the heart.
"No, Camilla... I think you're my sister, and I love you in spite of your flaws. But you're selfish and petty. Trying to stop me from obtaining the smallest measure of happiness; what kind of sister does that? When I tell you I'm marrying the man I love, you should be happy for me, not call him a paedophile and threaten to kill him! What do you want from me, Camilla; to be alone for the rest of my life, stowed away somewhere you have easy access to so you can have something to pet and love when the mood strikes you? I can't live like that anymore! I spent my whole life locked in a cage, only allowed affection when you and the others could spare an hour or two to visit me. The man I love was afraid to hug me when I was sad and lonely, because he thought you would execute him if you found out! Every dream of happiness I ever had was ripped away from me when Xander reminded me that I'm nothing more than a royal brick to be used for building alliances. I have never had anything for myself, and you are hell-bent on taking away the one thing I've finally found!"
Every bitter emotion Nerr had felt up until that point came out, and she covered her eyes with her hands, sobbing piteously. It wasn't fair, she thought to herself as she cried; it wasn't fair that they were making everything so hard and painful. In her old fantasies, she dreamed of having her family surrounding her when she got married, smiling and laughing, just as happy as she was. She already knew the king would not accept this; why couldn't Xander just let her wait until their father personally said no and be happy until then? Why did Camilla have to try and make what they felt for one another sound wrong and disgusting? Strong arms wrapped around her from behind, and she turned to weep into Gunther's chest. As he gently brushed her hair back, his fingers brushed against what was left of her ear, and she began crying even harder. Not because it hurt, not even from the memory of the pain, but from the reminder of what had been taken from her, just since the war escalated. Her blood and sweat and tears. Her flesh. Her peace of mind and innocence... Soon, there would be nothing left to take. She would be an empty shell, a corpse, whether she was dead or alive. Would they be satisfied then? King Garon certainly would be.
"Nerr..." Camilla's voice was barely audible over her plaintive wails. "Nerr, you're right. I'm sorry..." She could hear her sister walking away, but did not lift her head to see her go. She felt herself being rocked slightly, Gunther's deep voice vibrating through her as he spoke softly.
"Shh... There, there, my little ladyship. It's alright... Everything will be fine..."
000
There were a few whispers around camp as Nerr began moving Gunther's belongs into her tent, but she paid them no mind, nor did she pay her paramour any mind when he insisted that he could carry things just fine. They did not have much, even between the two of them, so everything fit nicely into her tent. As they lay side by side, her head atop his chest listening to his heartbeat, it would've been easy to forget she had ever been sad or lonely, or that anything was wrong in her life.
"Nerr?"
"Hm?"
"...are you happy?" She smiled slightly, though it felt like more of a reflex than an expression of joy.
"Deliriously so. This is all I've ever wanted, Gunther, I've told you that." He lapsed back into silence, and she closed her eyes, the sound of his blood flowing through his veins calming her.
"Nerr?"
"What now?" She couldn't help her testy tone; she was trying to enjoy being with him, and he was ruining the moment, dammit!
"What would you do if you discovered something about me you didn't like?"
"What?" Pushing her off his chest slightly, Gunther looked at her, his brows furrowed. Unlike every other time when she'd been tempted to but restrained herself, the princess reached out and lightly stroked his face. The older man's hard facade cracked just a little.
"Stop that." She could hear the smile he was trying to hold back.
"I can't help it! You look so cute and pitiful when you're upset, I just want to make you feel better."
"Truly words every man wants to hear. But I mean it, Nerr. You were so upset upon finding out that Prince Xander and Princess Camilla don't measure up to the standard you set for them. You put people on a pedestal, and you get angry when you find out they fall short of that ideal." Propping herself up on her elbow, Nerr frowned at the knight.
"I think you're forgetting the circumstances that led to that little rant. Murderers, Gunther. They let murderers walk loose amongst unsuspecting people, then criticize me. You are not like that. There is nothing about you I could ever dislike, dearest."
"Really?" He seemed unconvinced. "Even if you considered it a betrayal of your trust?" Sitting up fully, Nerr glared down at him.
"What have you done? You wouldn't bring this up if you hadn't done something."
"Nothing."
"Don't you give me that. What did you do?" Sighing quietly, Gunther closed his eyes. He looked so worn down, she almost felt sorry for him. Almost.
"Nothing to worry yourself over. Just... something from a long time ago you may not take kindly to. I'd rather not discuss it now."
"...alright..." Settling down, she once again rested her head on his chest. That was going to be her pillow from now on. "I trust you, Gunther. You've never done anything to not deserve my trust. But if this is something bad... If you tell me that all of this has been a lie, that you've never felt anything for me, that I was nothing to you... I might have to kill you. I'd act like I don't mind, like it doesn't bother me and I understand, but I would probably spend the rest of your life thinking how I could push you off a roof and make it look like an accident..." The knight remained silent for a long time, and she wondered if he was terrified by her candor. That was not the sort of thing a person ought to admit, but she had never lied to him before, and had no intention of starting now. Of course, she knew that such a situation would never occur- Gunther was not a bad person. He wouldn't trifle with her feelings like that. She felt a heavy arm curl around her, it's weight comforting.
"If I ever hurt you in such a way, I would pray that someone would kill me. In fact, I already know your siblings are queuing up for that privilege."
"Aren't you upset that I'm telling you I would murder you?"
"My life is yours, Nerr. It always has been." Sighing deeply, she snuggled closer to him.
"As has mine forever been yours..."
000000000000
A/N- So, I had a full-blown explanation/rant here, but I took it out because I'll let you all think what you will. Don't worry, this fic isn't going to devolve into a "This is what I hate about Fates and why!" essay- the plot gets back on track in the next chapter, I promise you. But man, Nerr's been going through changes, changes; God, I'm sure she must feel so frustrated lately... It's funny how life beats people down and twists them into bastards, isn't it? I know it was hilarious when it happened to me!
And that little exchange towards the end... foreshadowing for 'Revelation', perchance...? Seriously, tho- every time I get to that point in 'Revelation', I just imagine everything Nerr is saying is with a tranquil fury. (Gunther- "So... you're not mad that I had every intention of using you and tossing you aside as a child?" Nerr- "...no. ...I understand. I'm not mad..." Gunther- "...really. Because those shaking, red letters under you that say 'SNAP' do not inspire confidence..."