I woke up to the sun shining in my eyes again. My room must be facing the east. I opened my eyes and looked at my phone. 9:30. I got up and changed back into my thief costume, equipping my Dragonfang and crossbow. As I headed downstairs, I received a message on my Facebook page. It was from Stan, who was informing me of a meeting in the Elven Forest. Every human and elf was required to attend. I blinked, heading out and making my way to Kyle's house. Butters met me outside, wanting to know how I was feeling, since I had used the sight in my battle against Cartman. After assuring him that I was fine, and that I had not betrayed the humans as a whole, we headed to the Elven Forest together.
When we got there, we saw that all of the humans and elves (minus Craig) were sitting in rows in front of Kyle's platform, with Kyle standing in front with a projector and a smart board.
"I see Butters and Commander Douchebag have decided to grace us with their presence." Kyle announced when he noticed us, sounding vaguely annoyed at our tardiness. As we took our seats, he turned on the projector.
"Humans and Elves of Zaron, a great evil has descended upon us. After researching last night, I believe we are facing a threat to our entire world."
The slide turned, displaying a picture of Clyde's fortress.
"Clyde's Fortress of Darkness is over four stories tall. So far, he has recruited at least 50 warriors to be on his team, including one of the humans." Kyle explained, going over the threat of Clyde's new army. Tweek looked dead on the inside. Butters patted his friend's shoulder, trying to comfort him.
Suddenly, Cartman started chuckling to himself, making Kyle stop his presentation.
"You have something to say, Wizard?" Kyle barked irritably. Cartman just laughed again.
"Uh, nothing! Just think it's funny how drow elves in the Middle Ages can use Powerpoint." he said, snickering.
Kyle was beginning to lose patience (admittedly, he didn't have much to begin with). "Guys, this is serious! Clyde is attempting to raise an army of darkness. I believe he is messing with something he cannot control. He has recruited many of our friends, and so, our only hope is for our two factions…to join forces." he said gravely.
Immediately, the whole yard erupted in chaos.
"What?! Team up with elves?!"
"I'd rather die than ally myself with some disgusting humans!"
"I dare you to say that again!"
"FUCK THAT!" Cartman bellowed above the other voices, "We do not team up with fucking elves!"
"You got a better idea, Wizard Fatass?" Stan challenged the Wizard in his boyfriend's defense.
"After what you elves did to us at the Battle of Wormsly Woods?! You think we'll ever trust you again?!" Butters called out angrily. I remember him telling me something about that. Something about a "brown note".
"That was Jimmy's fault, and he apologized." Stan replied.
"Oh-Oh, we're apologizing now?!" Cartman retorted angrily, "How about we apologize for breaking the rule about using arcane fire magic?!"
"Yeah!" Token agreed.
"Hey! That was the humans' rule, not ours!" the Elf King's other guard defended.
"Join forces my paladin ass!" Butters yelled, crossing his arms and looking at the ground, "Only good elf is a dead elf!"
"Why don't you s-s-suck my elven d-dick, Butters?" Jimmy responded, although he looked slightly nervous (probably because of me. Wonder why.)
Butters turned back to the Bard angrily, about to retort, but I placed my hand on his shoulder. I knew that the Battle of Wormsly Wood incident really upset him, but fighting wasn't going to solve anything. Kyle seemed to be of the same mindset.
"Enough!" he yelled, slamming his golf club on the platform and calling everyone's attention back to him, "Whether we are human or elf isn't going to matter ONE BIT if all of Zaron is taken over by German zombies! We saw what that green stuff does." I felt a twinge of guilt as Kyle continued, "We BETTER find a way to stop Clyde or there won't be a world to fight in!"
Stan looked at the ground. "Even if we join forces, we don't have enough warriors." he said cynically.
"So we recruit more factions." the Elf King replied, used to dealing with Stan's cynicism (he had apparently been diagnosed with the "Cynical Asshole" syndrome when he turned ten, although he seemed to be able to keep it at bay with a little bit of whiskey), "The Pirates, the Federation, and-" Kyle paused, looking around, with an apologetic look at his boyfriend. "The Girls."
Everyone's jaws dropped.
"The GIRLS?!" Butters exclaimed disbelievingly.
"Kyle, the Girls aren't going to fucking play with us!" Cartman stated, as if it were the dumbest suggestion in the world.
"Yeah, dude, we can't convince Girls to do this." Stan agreed, as if half-heartedly trying to get his boyfriend to reconsider. No doubt he already knew about this plan, and that his objections had already been shut down. Wonder why he's so against playing with girls.
"No, but maybe the New Kid can." Kyle replied to the objection. Everyone in the yard turned to me. "The New Kid has a power we have yet to understand. He makes friends on Facebook faster than any we have seen."
I looked down, feeling slightly uncomfortable. Butters noticed this, and discreetly put his hand on my arm.
"He is really good at getting Facebook friends, I'll give him that." Cartman admitted, not liking to give me credit for anything (not surprising, considering all of the times I had blatantly disobeyed him).
"Find a way to get the Girls to side with us, Commander Douchebag." Kyle ordered me, his expression serious, "I'll deal with the other factions." He then turned to the rest of the kids. "The rest of you, return to your stations and prepare for war!"
"HUZZAH!" everyone cried in unison before getting up and taking their chairs back inside. I followed suit before heading out the door, trying to think of a way to get the girls to join the army. Butters, as always, accompanied me.
I wandered around town, trying to figure out how to FIND the girls (I almost never see them around). As Butters and I walked past City Hall, I noticed some girls who looked a bit older than me picking on a girl who was about my age.
"Hey! Give that back!" the younger girl cried, reaching for a Justin Bieber doll that the bullies were throwing around.
"Why don't you make us?" one of the bullies challenged.
"That's my Justin Bieber toy!" the girl cried, tears appearing in her eyes.
"Not anymore, it's not." another bully replied. That's when the girls noticed me and Butters.
"Who's this?" the third bully asked, her voice hostile.
"This is Commander Douchebag!" Butters "introduced" me, "And he's gonna teach you what happens when you're mean to people!"
The bullies smirked, punching the palms of their hands. "We'll see about that." the leader said, approaching us. I sighed, drawing my sword and slashing at the three, just barely missing them.
"What the-!" one of the girls gasped, eyes widening at the sight of my blade, "This kid has a sword!"
"Shit! He means business!" another one yelled.
"Screw this!" the leader yelled, clearly fearing for her life. I didn't blame her. If there's one thing in this world I can't stand, it's a bully. She dropped the toy and took off, the other two following after her. The fourth grade girl picked up the toy, making sure it worked.
"Oh, I hope they didn't break it." she said as she pulled a string on its back. When the song "Baby" started playing (and my ears started bleeding), the girl sighed with relief. "Whew. Thanks. I owe you one, kid." She smiled at me. Butters stepped a bit closer, giving off a slightly intimidating aura. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and just handed the girl the note that Kyle had given me.
"What's this?" she asked as she looked at the piece of paper, "The boys want us to play with them?" She thought about this for a second, then said hesitantly, "Well, I do owe you one. I'll take you to the girls, but I don't think they'll be too willing to play with boys."
I nodded, looking at Butters.
"I'm sorry. He can't come." the girl (Annie, according to the new friend request on Facebook) said.
"But-" Butters began to object, but I stopped him. He looked at me in hurt and confusion, but I placed a hand on his shoulder, assuring him that I'd be fine and that, as the New Kid, I'd be interesting to the girls, making them more likely to listen to the request. He still looked a little bit upset, so I squeezed his hand, assuring him that I wasn't into girls. He finally relented, nodding in understanding and agreeing to wait there. With that issue settled, I turned back to Annie, who, unable to understand my special method of communication, was looking at us in confusion.
"Are you ready to go?" she asked. When I nodded, she pulled out a strip of purple cloth, using it to blindfold me. I heard a low growl, which likely came from Butters, but if Annie had heard it too, she ignored it, leading me away.
After about ten minutes, in which Annie chatted about random girls stuff and I tuned her out and tried (unsuccessfully) to figure where we were going, I heard a door open, and I was led into a room. Once the door was closed, Annie removed the blindfold, revealing an almost-completely pink room that was set up somewhat like a court room, with rows of desks on both sides of the room and three desks at the front, one of them above the other two. At every desk sat a fourth grade girl. They were having a meeting of sorts, which they apparently did a lot, since there were various lists like "10 least favorite girls" and "10 cutest boys (revised)", covering the walls. From the looks of things, I had been brought in right as the meeting was getting underway.
"The 412th meeting of the girls is hereby called to order." a girl with long black hair and a purple hat who was sitting at the top front desk announced. She then said, "Sparkle sparkle!" while slamming her gavel on the desk. All of the other girls yelled "Sunshine!" in response. A girl sitting at one of the lower front desks stood up.
"Sunshine! Sparkle! Millie Larson has the floor!" she called, sitting back down. A girl in one of the rows that I recognized as the girl who had friended me on Facebook the second she had seen me spoke.
"If it pleases and sparkles, I move that we vote immediately on the urgent matter involving Monica Ryland." Millie said to the group, who had yet to acknowledge my presence. All of the girls agreed. That's when Annie spoke up.
"Excuse me." she said, gaining the other girls' attention, "I'm sorry, but I have an urgent matter that I believe needs to be addressed first."
"The chair acknowledges Annie." the girls with the long black hair stated, with the girl below her following with, "Sunshine! Sparkle! Annie Knitts has the floor."
"If it pleases and sparkles, a messenger comes with a request from the boys." Annie announced, gesturing to me. Pleases and sparkles?
Several of the girls reacted with immediate disgust at the mention "boys". The chair, however, seemed unaffected by the disgust, and addressed me directly.
"What request do the boys ask of us?" she asked. I remained silent, trying to figure out why, although she wasn't disgusted at the idea of playing with boys, she seemed to be hiding some sort of…sorrow, maybe?
After a few moments of the girls staring at me expectantly, Annie spoke up. "He…doesn't really talk."
There was another moment of silence as the girls pondered this, before a girl with a red shirt and poofy blond hair stated, "That's hot."
"The boys are playing some new role-playing game, and the New Kid wants us to join his team." Annie answered for me.
"What?!" Millie exclaimed, "We don't have time for that! Something VERY big happened, and we MUST do something!"
"I know, I thought maybe he could help." Annie replied, earning a sideways glance from me. The room got quiet.
"Oh, that's not a bad idea." the blond said, "I glitter Annie's idea!" Glitter?
The girl below the chair stood up, announcing, "Sunshine! Sparkle! A motion has been glittered to have the New Kid help with Monica Ryland." The chair then addressed me directly.
"Alright, New Kid, look- there are terrible rumors going around that our good friend Allie Nelson was spotted at the abortion clinic."
"I've never been to the abortion clinic!" a girl with shoulder-length brown hair, presumably Allie, cried in defensive distress, "I'm not a whore!"
The chair, ignoring the interruption, continued, "We aren't sure, but we think the girl spreading the rumors about Allie is Monica Ryland."
"And then she has the gall to act all nice to me!" Allie growled angrily.
"We have to know for sure if Monica Ryland is a two-faced bitch or not." the chair said, "So, we're gonna send Monica a Facebook page with your picture and tell her that your Bebe's boyfriend from Lakewood and you want to meet her and ask what the best thing to get Bebe for her birthday would be and see of Monica tries to hit on you at all because that way, we can see if Monica is a manipulative bitch."
"Right!" the blond girl (Bebe, according to Facebook) agreed.
"Do this task for us, and the girls will consider your request." the chair said, banging her gavel, "Sparkle!"
"Sunshine!" the girls chorused back, and Annie blindfolded me and led me out of the room.
I cringed. So I have to pose as a girl's boyfriend, huh? Butters is not going to like this one bit. He's gotten very possessive ever since we started dating, and he's already shown distrust in the girls. I'd better explain this to him right away. At least a know how to discreetly check my phone quickly, so I know that the message wasn't public.
Once we returned to City Hall and the blindfold was removed, Butters ran up to me, babbling anxiously.
"Douchebag! Are you okay? What was their secret base like?" he asked me. I placed a hand on his shoulder to calm him down as Annie came up to us, giving me further instruction.
"Monica is waiting for you at the park." she told me, and I felt Butters tense, "All you have to do is pretend to be Bebe's long-distance boyfriend." And with that, she went back to playing with here Justin Bieber toy.
"Bebe's long-distance boyfriend?" Butters asked me as we began walking toward the park, jealousy coloring his voice bright green. I looked at him with a look that said, "It's just pretend. Chill."
When we got to the park (with Butters muttering something about how girls couldn't be trusted), there was a girl with dark brown hair in pigtails and freckles sitting on a bench. She waved when she saw me. Show time.
"Oh hi. You must be Mike." she greeted me, patting the spot next to her. As I sat down, I was fully aware of Butters, who was hiding in the playground behind us, gritting his teeth.
"So…you wanna talk about Bebe, huh?" Monica asked, more than willing to talk about the other girl, "Well, look, Bebe's my friend. I think she's great. I don't know if she's the end-all, be-all of girls- I mean, she's a little two-faced if you ask me." Monica rambled, although I was only half-listening, focusing the rest of my attention on trying not to yawn. This is why I don't like hanging out with girls. All they do is talk smack about each other behind their backs. I started paying attention, however, when her tone became slightly flirtatious.
"But hey, I read a lot of your Facebook page, and I think you're a really interesting boy." she said, smiling and batting her eyelashes at me.
"Uh oh." I thought as I heard Butters growl from the playground. Luckily, before this conversation could continue, the leader of the girls, along with Bebe and another girl, showed up.
"Aha!" Bebe called out, "We knew it! You two-faced, manipulative whore!"
"What the heck?!" Monica exclaimed, frightened and confused.
"Thank God we sent the New Kid to spy on you, huh girls?" the leader said.
"Yeah!" the third girl, who had long red hair, yelled in agreement, "Now we KNOW you're a two-faced bitch!"
"Whaddya mean?!" Monica cried, her distress showing, "You guys are my best friends!"
"Then why are you hitting on MY Facebook boyfriend?" Bebe asked accusingly. I'm not your Facebook boyfriend. "We brought someone else who might be interested." She grinned maliciously. Right as she said that, a fifth-grade boy in a light blue sports shirt showed up.
"Monica, what the fuck are you doin'?" he asked angrily with a slight redneck accent.
"Uh oh." Monica muttered, waving at him guiltily, "Hey, Jake."
"Have fun, you two-faced skank." the leader almost sang, walking off with the other girls. Monica chased after them.
Another reason I hate girls. They're so quick to turn on their friends.
Monica's boyfriend, Jake, then turned to me, growling, "What's the big idea trying to fuck my girlfriend?" He cracked his knuckles, looming over me. When I didn't answer, his hostility increased. "Nothing to say, huh? Well, maybe you'll understand THIS!" He pulled back his fist, preparing to punch me.
Typical jock. I reached behind me, grabbing the hilt of my sword. However, before I could, I heard a loud thud, and Jake collapsed. I looked up to see Butters standing behind him, gripping his hammer so tightly that his knuckles turned white.
"What's the big idea trying to hurt my boyfriend?" Butters snarled, his voice dripping with murderous intent. I smiled at him. I didn't really need the help, but I definitely appreciated it. My smile faded, however, when he looked at me sadly.
"I-I'm sorry." Butters said, looking at Jake on the ground, "I know you can handle yourself." There seemed to be something else bothering him, so I tilted my head in question.
"I know you said you love me, and that we could start dating, but…" Butters mumbled, his voice low and tears in his eyes, "You've only been here a couple of days, and now that all the girls are after you…" He trailed off and went silent, before saying in a voice that was practically a whimper, "I won't stand in your way."
Oh, for the love of…! I growled at Butters, startling him, and grabbed his hand, roughly dragging him into the woods outside of South Park. It was called the Lost Forest, and no one entered because it was rumored that there was no way out. The kids, however, knew the tricks to the Forest. Despite that, even they rarely ventured very far into it.
"S-Sage! What are you doing?! If our parents find us here, we'd be grounded for sure!" Butters cried, struggling to get out of my grip.
Once we were deep enough into the Forest that I felt confident no one would see us, I stopped and turned to Butters, pinning him to a tree.
"I-I'm s-s-sorry I upset y-y-you! P-Please don't h-hurt me!" Butters sobbed, still struggling against my grip as he continued to ramble on about how sorry he was. His rant was cut short, however, when I roughly slammed my mouth against his, forcing my tongue into his mouth. His eyes widened in shock, and I looked into them, daring him to doubt my love for him again. After a moment, his eyes closed as he wrapped his arms around my neck, moaning into the kiss. I pressed him against the tree, emphasizing my possessive desire, and he held onto me tighter in response. After a furious make-out session, I released his mouth, but I didn't let him off the tree. Instead, I rested my forehead against his, staring fiercely into his sky-blue eyes again, which were clouded by the intensity of our passion.
"NEVER doubt me again." I growled, my voice rough with anger and lust. Butters just nodded, still in a daze. I nodded in acceptance. "Good. Now that that's taken care of, let's go report to the girls so they'll join our fight."
I finally let go of Butters and began to head south, toward South Park. However, before I could get far, Butters pulled me back, capturing my mouth once more.
"Thank you, Sage." he whispered, embracing me and burying his face in my neck, "I love you."
"I love you too, Butters." I whispered back, holding him more gently this time, "And I promise, I won't let anyone else seduce me." I then muttered under my breath, "Like that bitch ever could've to begin with." Butters, his ear being right next to my mouth, heard this, and laughed softly.
"You better." he muttered into my neck. He then let me go, stating cheerfully, "Well, come on then, Sage! We have to convince the girls to play with us so we can get the Stick back from Clyde!"
I nodded, glad that Butters was back to his optimistic self. However, as we headed back out of the Forest, hand-in-hand, I couldn't shake the feeling that the trials the girls had in store for me were only just beginning.