A/N: Thank you all for the AMAZING reviews! And thanks to everyone for reading! I can't promise anything, but there's another chapter I want to get up before the weekend, but if I don't make it, I'll spoil you with a good update on my birthday Monday! Things will move a bit fast in this chapter – it's just that we're not exactly following every single minute of Ashley's days.
Anyway, I know I said thanks before but I just want everybody who's still sticking to my fic to know that I really appreciate it!
TheDWall – CH20 : I really appreciate your review – you're right, dots are being connected and it will happen a lot more going forward – and thank you for loving it! Thank you so much for reading and loyally reviewing!
Southtrash – CH20 : Please don't let the anxiety kill you – I kinda like your reviews! ;) I know there's a lot of mystery and things are very slow in coming together, but it is quite an intricate plot. I promise in the end you'll feel that it was well worth it! Thank you so much for reading and loyally reviewing!
SonFan – CH20 : I hope your seat has a long edge! I wish I could update more frequently so it wouldn't feel so hopelessly mysterious and confusing, but where's the fun in that! ;) Thank you so much for reading and loyally reviewing!
Son-lyn – CH20 : I get your rationale about reviewing – I'm somewhat similar that way. Like that quiet person who sits and observe everyone until you scarily know way too much about them but then feel like you can throw in your two cents kind of thing. Or that's just me. Scary much? ;) About the POV's – there is actually only 4 storylines, the ghosts' 'flashbacks' should become a familiar pattern soon – I try and do them all the same way so people can easily distinguish between a ghost/Ashley/other character. Maybe it's not been that obvious yet but the story is still very much in the beginning – and eventually it will fall in place. Hopefully. :P That emotional depth thing… it's difficult, but it's coming ;) I just want to stay happy for a couple more days but once my clock strikes one year older, I'll be depressed as hell and poor Ashley's character is gonna feel the brunt of it! I enjoy everybody's reviews and I do have a lot of fun replying, it's nice getting to know my readers on some weird kind of level – okay, I'll stop being a scary person – I just like to know what people think and their thought processes and I feel that responding to that keeps them engaged in not only the story but also the process, which to me means quite a lot! And it's also like… a CAPTCHA (acronym for "Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart") – reminding myself and my readers we're all human (I hope everyone knows by now I'm human because I can't write 24/7 and there's a hell of a lot of grammar mistakes I pick up!) – so the whole conversational thing via reviews and responds is cool to me too! I don't know if that made sense at all, it's 1AM here and I'm on meds. Anyway… here's the next chapter – not the emotional turmoil you were looking for, but we're getting there! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing awesomeness!
GirlsOnly – CH20 : I'm glad that you're nervous after reading that chapter – it means you're getting what I'm doing with the characters! Spencer… I'm pretty much sure by just putting together all the reviews with her name in it would make a story of its own! She'll be here soon, don't worry ;) Thank you so much for reading and always reviewing!
Guest – CH20 : It makes me all fuzzy inside to see that my other stories are also still being read ;) Thank you for the compliment! I have no intention of dropping this story, this I can promise you! I'm just as sad to see stories being abandoned and only a handful of new stories being posted for SON – but such is life I guess. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!
Anjela78 – CH20 : I'm excited to see that you're getting where I'm going with the story, especially with introducing Glen's character. I can't say much but you're somewhat on the right track ;) I hope by the end of this story people will feel enthralled and read it again, once complete it will obviously feel different reading without waiting after each cliffhanger chapter! Spencer will be in the story soon, I promise! Have a great day and weekend, I'm hoping to get more chapters up very soon! Thank you so much for reading and always reviewing!
Mellyb14 – CH20 : I'm sorry for being misleading with the Carlin Detective – it was planned that way bohahahaha ;) But this twist was very necessary, you'll soon understand why! Thank you for the compliment! I'm also glad Ashley laid off with the drugs, but her problems are far from over. As for Arthur, he'll always be the supportive good guy! All through this fic ;) Thank you so much for reading and always reviewing!
CeSB – CH20 : Thank you so much, I really appreciate it! And thank you for adding my fic as a favorite and following it – since it is a long story I appreciate the follows as I know my updating schedule is very random! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!
Ashley
The Mission
"Are you sure?"
I scoffed. Of course I wasn't sure. It ticked me off that Aiden suddenly cared. Wasn't this what they wanted, after all?
"Do I have any other choice?" My voice was still shaky, despite how firm I tried to appear.
"Can I be first?"
I looked up at Boz, somewhat surprised by his request, and it seemed, so were the other ghosts. I pushed myself off the floor and sat down next to Aiden, who had sat up from his couch the moment I told them I was considering their offer. Kill, and be free.
"I'm sorry, I know it's selfish, but – "
He didn't have to explain, there was something that told me I needed to start with Boz. "It's okay, Boz, we can start with you."
There were no objections from Sasha, Sean, or Aiden. They turned to stare at me, their expressions somewhat surprised. As if they realized something I didn't.
"You are ready," Sasha finally whispered. A smile spread across her face, a smile I haven't seen since the day I took her life from her. It made me feel somewhat uncomfortable. How were people ever ready to do something like this? How did I do it before?
"I'll tell you everything I know. Sean and Aiden too. Sasha, what you're about to hear might sting a bit, though I know you know why you're here," Boz continued.
"Wait," I jumped up, interrupting him. It suddenly occurred to me that I would have to take notes. Where jobs were previously handed to me in the form of a manila folder, containing all kinds of information, this time I had to start from scratch. I ran to my bedroom and grabbed the notebook and pens Chelsea had given me while I was still in hospital. I'd only used it once. I was grateful that I still had my gun, and the digital camera. I got rid of the camera bag on my way to San Francisco. I made a mental note to go through the stash of money I still had – there was probably a whole couple of things I'd have to buy to do what was required of me. In the meantime, I still had to find another place to live, and a job to maintain some sort of income, since my own lucrative bank account was still inaccessible.
Plunging back onto the couch, I took a deep breath, pen in my hand, ready to start writing down everything there was to know about the murder of Boz Anderson.
I wiped at my tired eyes with one hand, while rapidly shaking the other that had been scribbling notes for more than three hours. While Boz's recap of why he got killed shocked me, I was utterly flabbergasted to find out that all of my ghosts' pasts were somehow linked. All except Aiden, of course. But he was ultimately also involved – he knew about these cases long before I was even commissioned to do the hits. It confused me that I never put two and two together, but in my defense, I had so much on my mind – stalking my targets, covering my tracks, preparing myself for new jobs while trying to find a way out of the Agency altogether… and here I was, about to go back to do what I hated.
But the sadness I felt previously wasn't here now. I felt vindicated, it felt right to do this. The people who were directly involved in ordering hits on my ghosts were the villains. I had to keep convincing myself of this otherwise I'd never pull through. And I'd never get rid of the ghosts either…
"So can't I just go after the group of politicians – won't that solve everybody's problems? Dead and alive?" I wondered out loud. If all these cases were connected, then surely there was ultimately only one person in charge, and if I only had to kill one person, I'd be very happy.
Aiden shook his head. "It doesn't work that way. This works like a normal chain of command. If my boss asked me to kill you, you'd have to kill me, and not my boss. The same with Boz. Someone at his company ordered and paid for that hit – not the politicians. They wouldn't get their hands dirty like that."
It didn't make sense. "But what about Sean? He was directly involved with those scumbags. We all know he didn't get hit by the bank robbers. Yay me, huh?"
"It was my dad. He hated Sean. It was personal as much as it had to do with their unlawful dealings," Sasha mumbled.
My heart broke for her. How was I going to go after Dan Miller while his daughter was right here with me, mourning the loss of her own life? Surely she despised him for what he has done, but he was still her father…
I let out a long sigh, knowing this was going to be a lot harder than it seemed. I also understood now why I had to start with Boz, and I was thankful, because his case would be the easiest to go after. I didn't know where he would go once I killed whoever ordered the hit, but I was sure it was someplace where he could look down and keep an eye on his family. Where here… they were stuck with me.
"Okay," I breathed out, my eyes scanning the clock on the wall. It was already after 2AM. "It's been great hanging with you guys, but I'm really tired. There's a lot to do tomorrow so I'm going to head off to bed."
I got up and left them to do whatever it was they did to pass time – I didn't even know if ghosts ever slept. Probably not. But I was exhausted. After recovering from my prescribed drug addiction the previous week, and then struggling with the repercussions of not having proper pain medication for the headaches, and of course, strenuous sex to try and get my mind off things, it was all starting to take its toll on me. I doubted that I'd fall asleep though, the information overload of the past three hours still processing in my highly active mind. So I laid back on my bed, eyes focused on the ceiling, waiting for sleep to rescue me from this insane reality I lived in.
The remainder of the week had gone by quickly. I'd managed to find a small condo in the Bay Area, close to the beach, which made me extremely happy because I'd be able to go for long jogs, or walk on the beach if I needed to clear my head, and it wouldn't be too difficult to get to the hospital on Fridays since public transportation was available right up to my street. I'd decided to ditch the car – left it in the parking garage of the hotel. I figured they'd tow it away eventually once they realized it was just standing there forever in an unmarked parking. I had to move it out of the allocated parking that was linked to my suite, just to prolong the time it could stand there, and also to clear up some tracks.
I also got a job, at a small coffee shop close to my condo. It was long hours but at least I only had to go in three times a week. The wages were enough to pay my utility bills and put food on the table – I didn't really need anything more since I still had a small fortune in cash, and was waiting patiently for the right time to start accessing my bank account to withdraw funds without raising alarm. I had to go find a smart kid who could help me set up my new laptop and help disguise my IP location before I'd even dare to log into my account.
Furnishing the condo was easy. I kept it simple; proper bed, proper coffee machine, small TV, a desk, whiteboard and office supplies, and a cheap lounge suite for my ghosts to crash on. I didn't have a bar for Boz, but he wouldn't be there for much longer, so he made himself comfortable on a couch. There were two bedrooms; I made one a small office and was thankful that all my case files and research would be out of sight should someone come into my condo.
The 'office' was soon decorated with photographs, maps, notes on the whiteboard, and my laptop on the desk, waiting patiently for me to do more research on Paterson & Hughes, the company that Boz worked for.
I dropped down into the desk chair, bagel in one hand, coffee in the other, stuffing my mouth before I put both down on the desk and opened up my laptop. I had printed out all the pages that I researched and had to constantly delete everything in my browser history, paranoia kicking in that I'd be discovered if I dug too deep.
Luckily one of the baristas at the coffee shop was a bit of a geek, and she had agreed to help me set up some applications to mask my IP address and all sorts of stuff I was sure was normally considered illegal. In return for her favor, I had a hotel room booked for Saturday night, and would show her the benefits of exploring your sexuality. Her idea – not mine.
I didn't mind, of course. She was a hot, young, college student, who hid beneath dark hair, dark eyes, glasses that were just there for the show, and ever-present beanies which I wondered if she wore the same one every day or hopefully had a collection to at least get some washed occasionally.
Boz had given me some sites to check out, and eventually I stumbled across his company's internal portal. Boz still had his login details, but I was terrified to use it. The IT people would immediately see that a dead person had logged into their old account. And if their IT people were smart enough, they'd most probably be able to track me down somehow.
So I had to wait until Saturday. I had a lot of questions for Monica, and I had to find creative ways to ask her without her getting suspicious. She was already fascinated by the idea of helping me hide my online presence. I found it cute, but of course, the paranoia was there.
"Aren't you late for something?"
I sat back into my chair, not even turning around to face Aiden, leaning in the door. He was getting more annoying as minutes passed by. "Are you my personal assistant now?"
"I'm just looking out for you, Ash."
That made me spin around in my chair. "Looking out for me?" I stared at him in disbelief. "Looking out for me wouldn't have gotten me into this mess a month ago. We still need to talk about that day, Aiden. You and I have a lot to discuss. And I also need to talk to you about your little obsession with me – it's freaking me out."
He stared back at me, mouth agape.
"I was you, remember? The day you got shot? I know exactly what you were thinking – the whole time." Thinking about it gave me goosebumps. Up to this day, he still looked at me as if there were a chance of something more.
"Ash, I – "
"Stop! Stop calling me that. And stop pretending to be my friend, Aiden. You wanted more than friendship, while you knew I'm not into guys!"
I watched his expression fall, dropping his gaze to stare at the suddenly interesting carpet of my mini office. Although I felt bad about the spontaneous outburst, I refused to apologize. Now that we had to dig so deep and far back, it was bound to happen that Aiden's reasons for being here would be discussed, dissected, and even a plan of action put together to get him out of my hair. And unfortunately, with that, came dealing with his feelings, as well as mine. We were in this together, since I shot him, but it didn't mean I was feeling remorseful about it. And I definitely didn't have any love declarations for him. I didn't like him then, and I didn't like him now. It was never going to change.
I liked girls. He was just going to have to accept that.
"I just came to remind you that your appointment with Doctor Carlin is in an hour," he finally said, looking up at me.
Of course. Make me feel like a bitch.
I got up with a muted 'thank you' and brushed past him, expecting to feel a shoulder touch mine, but there was nothing there. He wasn't… there.
There was a lot of information I had to process in the week that had passed. Ever since I decided I'd take matters into my own hands, and try to get rid of the ghosts their way, I had forgotten about Clay. And the girl I was so sure were in my dreams that one night.
So I found myself staring, once again, at the family portrait of the Carlins, while waiting for Doctor Arthur Carlin to start with our session. He had to attend to yet another in-hospital emergency, but it didn't bother me at all. In fact, I wished I had more time to stare. What I really wanted to do was sneak into his office, and see if I could find any more photographs of his family.
I was grateful that no new ghosts had shown up, but I was still dreading that Clay would eventually come to haunt me. I just really wanted to see what the kids looked like all grown up – surely they were all grown up by now.
Except for the goofy blonde boy – I could understand if he never grew up. Boys…
I sighed, eyes trained on the old portrait. The longer I stared at the girl, the more I felt this unsettling feeling in my stomach. There had to be a connection somewhere, maybe I ran into her in a shop, or a mall, or maybe she was a famous actress and I saw her on TV. I wanted to ask Arthur about her on numerous occasions – even just a name – but he closed up about his family the same way I guarded my secret about being a cold-hearted killer. Maybe one day I'd get him to open up to me the same way he made me feel comfortable talking to him.
"Ashley, I'm so sorry to keep you waiting," Arthur announced, out of breath, as he rushed into his suite.
I smiled and stepped away from the wall, not wanting him to know I was staring at his family, again. "No problem, I understand you had an emergency."
He returned the smile and disappeared into his office to grab my file. Back in the suite, he gestured for me to sit down on the comfortable couch. I'd been looking everywhere – I couldn't find anything like it when I went furniture shopping.
Arthur opened my file and scanned through it as I patiently waited for him to start. I felt good for a change, but the reason wasn't exactly something I could share with him. So I was relieved when we started with the more intense medical stuff.
"How are the headaches?" He jumped right into it.
"It's torturous, but I've been managing," I answered honestly. I wished he'd give me something stronger again, but I doubted one week would make Arthur trust me again.
I watched as he made a note and then looked up at me again. "I'm sorry you have to go through this Ashley. It's just, I want to see you get better." His apology was heartwarming – even though I didn't deserve it. I was the idiot who thought overdosing would help.
"I want you to go and see Paula – my wife, they need to do another scan, just so we can be sure that there's been no damage after the initial head injury. Your blood work came back fine despite the increased intake of pain medication, so I'm quite happy and relieved about that. How are we doing with the hallucinations?"
I sighed. Although I was feeling positive about taking things into my own hands, this was one thing I didn't want to lie about. "I still get them. The whole time. But no additions to the four people, and it's not been hindering me as much though."
I noticed Doctor Carlin frown, and decided to tell him the good news. "I mean, I've been getting out more. I found a permanent place to live, I got a job… so, I mean, it's not taking over my life so badly anymore. When I get out it doesn't happen."
That seemed to make him very happy. He scribbled furiously in my file, a smile playing on his lips. "This is great news, Ashley. This is great progress! I was really worried last week, but I see that you're the fighter I thought you were after all."
His innocent, encouraging words ripped me apart. I was anything but a fighter. I was a killer. If only he knew half the stuff going on in my life, he wouldn't be the proud Doctor he was. I'd be locked away in an instant.
But the last thing I wanted to see was how disappointed he'd be in me, so I just smiled and accepted the compliment. "Thank you."
"Are you free to get the scans done today still? I'd like to have a good look at it before we meet up next week, just to see what we can do for your headaches and the hallucinations. Though the pain will eventually subside, I'm just worried that the hallucinations won't, and seeing you on a weekly basis for the rest of your life will not suffice if it doesn't get better, now will it?"
I chuckled, but realized it would be sad when I had to stop coming in to see Arthur. It almost made me want to delay sending my ghosts back to where they belonged, but at some stage I had to move on from all of this if I really wanted to start over fresh. And that included not coming to the hospital anymore. "I'm free. I'll go down as soon as we're done here."
"Are you still doing the exercises we gave you? It's important to build up your muscles again after the long hospital stay and bed rest."
"Still doing it, and I started jogging too. It's a bit painful on my ribs but I'm careful."
Doctor Carlin seemed really impressed. It only made me feel worse. "As long as you don't overdo it. But I'm really glad to hear how you're turning things around, Ashley. You're stronger than you think. It's something to be proud of."
Yeah, a lot worse…
"Anyway, let me write you the referral note, there's not much more we can do today, everything is really up to the scans now so we can make an informed decision regarding lasting after effects."
For the first time, I was actually grateful to get out of Doctor Arthur Carlin's office. Despite the visit going well and the great progress that had been made, my mood had dropped to an all-time low. It wasn't that I wasn't happy about the great progress, or even that eventually I wouldn't have to come here anymore, no, it was nothing like that. I was disappointed – in myself, for letting Arthur Carlin down. He just didn't know it yet.
The Mission – 30 Seconds to Mars