Chapter 21 The Morning After
Axel wakes to the sun shining right in his face. The curtain across the treehouse doorway had been left half open. The light is blinding and worsens his killer headache. Wincing, he raises his hand to cover his eyes. God, his mouth tastes awful.
He almost rolls over and goes back to sleep. Almost. But broken memories of the night before rush to mind fast enough to make him wince again. "Fuck," he whispers, raising his head enough to see he's alone in the treehouse. Judging by how high the sun is in the sky, it's midmorning and Roxas hasn't come back yet. "Fuck me." Axel drags himself to his feet. How could he have let last night happen? Since becoming a Nobody, trust and Roxas had gone together like oil and water. Now they are worse than square one. Square negative five bajillion; all because Axel couldn't handle Roxas asking him what love is. He'd acted so...emotional.
Leaving the treehouse, it's like the sun is aimed right between his eyes, trying to fry his brain. It feels like it's working. But from the railing Axel spots Roxas' huddled figure on the trunk of the paopu tree, and he puts his miserable hangover aside to go after him.
Axel tries to come up with the right way to apologize, but he crosses the bridge and comes to a stop, facing Roxas' hunched back, with no idea what to do. "Roxas," he says, quietly, not wanting to startle him. His voice is raspy from sleep. Roxas doesn't move or give any indication he heard Axel, so Axel approaches him cautiously like one might approach a wild animal.
"Rox." Axel keeps his voice quiet and his eyes on his shoes. He can't bear to see that betrayed look in Roxas' eyes again. "I'm sorry. It's no excuse to say I was drunk. I just…" Axel gestures tiredly. "I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry."
"You don't need to apologize."
Axel lifts his head, surprised. Roxas isn't looking at him. He stares out to sea with his eyes vacant and his voice had sounded like he's out of it.
"Are you okay?" Axel asks.
Roxas turns to him, eyes focusing slightly. "I'm remembering."
"You're…" Axel wonders if his jaw hit the sand or if it just felt like it was hanging that low. "What are you remembering?"
"That ice cream you gave me to try," Roxas says. "That other boy who was here, Zexion, I remember him in a library. And a guy I hated, Rexick." He touches his temple and closes his eyes. "Nothing really makes sense, like a lot of things are layered on top of each other, demanding that I think about them all at once." His brow furrows and his expression turns pained.
Instantly, Axel is right at his side. "Does it hurt?" He asks, worried.
Roxas nods and looks up. "I remember that wasn't our first kiss."
All intelligent thought leaves Axel. "Ha…" he gasps, the closest he can make to a reply. He forgets how to breathe for what had to be close to a minute and he catches a hint of Roxas' lips trying to quirk up in a smile.
"It doesn't feel real," Roxas says, rubbing his temple. "It's like it's someone else's story that I'm trying to fit into." His hand falls back into his laps and he shifts away from Axel. "I think I need to be alone. Sort it out myself."
"Sure," Axel says. He can't take offense to that when he feels like he's floating. Roxas remembers kissing him, which means he remembers why he kissed him which means-
"Thanks, Axel," Roxas says quietly.
"Sure," Axel says again. He'd sound less dumb if he could come up with another word. "Yep."
Roxas has turned away from him, but Axel can't go quite yet. He throws his arms around Roxas from behind and gives him a tight hug, half expecting another punch. "I missed you, partner," he says, touching his forehead to Roxas' shoulder briefly. Then he releases Roxas and steps back. "I'll be at the treehouse if you need me."
...
Zack spends his first few minutes of the morning completely still, afraid to ruin the moment. One ray of sunlight from the tiny windows the basement falls on the bed beside him, turning golden hair more golden. Ven had burrowed under the covers up to his ears during the night. He has frown lines in his forehead and the pillow under his arms is in a death grip. It's far from peaceful sleep, but at least he's sleeping.
Without the alcohol and without the fuzzy surrealness that comes with being awake at 4AM, Zack's frustration and, more prominently, his guilt makes him shift away from Ven. Retracting his leg that had ended up tangled with Ven's makes Ven fidget in his sleep, but he doesn't wake. Zack knows eventually he will have to break the tentative peace with the harsh reality they're both going to have to face in the daylight. A few drunk kisses wouldn't change things. When Ven wakes up, he's going to push Zack away again.
With slow movements, Zack climbs out of bed. His stomach grumbles and he gives Ven one last, long look before going upstairs to find breakfast.
Tifa is in the kitchen slicing limes. "Good morning, Zack," she says. "You got up late."
"Yeah." Zack closes the door softly behind him and busies himself with the toaster. Tifa has always been good at reading his face and he wouldn't put it past her to be able to tell from the back of his head if he lied to much. Getting eggs out of the fridge, he starts to explain. "Last night-"
"Riku already told me what happened," Tifa says, interrupting.
Zack pauses, cradling four eggs in his hand. "Riku?" He repeats, but Tifa doesn't hear him.
"He apologized about ten times already and you know him. He's got that sad puppy look when he's really sorry about something. Couldn't even ground him for it. He cleaned up the mess and promised to work a double shift tonight to make up for it."
Zack let out a quiet sigh of relief. He doesn't know why Riku fessed up to what Ven did, but if it got him out of having to tell Tifa Ven spent the night in Zack's bed, he isn't going to look the gift horse in the mouth. Still, Tifa's eyes are on him, making the hair on the back of his neck stand up.
"How are you doing?" She asks in an attempt at a casual voice. "You know...with what happened," she drops her voice, "with Ven."
Zack takes a long moment to answer, not sure what to even say. He gets the eggs going and the toast pops out of the toaster. "I just wish I had a better idea of where we are right now," he says, taking jelly from the fridge. "If he would just talk to me…"
"I could talk to him for you," Tifa says like she has been waiting to offer all morning. "I can be like a middleman and get you both in a room together. I can go up right now and get him. He hasn't been down yet."
"No!" Zack turns around quickly. Tifa stops halfway to the stairs, looking at him for an explanation. "Uh...let him sleep. He hasn't been getting much rest lately."
"Alright," Tifa says, put out. She returns to her limes and gathers them in bowl to take out to the bar. "Watch your eggs. Don't let them burn." Passing Zack, she goes on tip-toe to kiss the back of his head with a loud smacking of her lips. "I'm always here. Just say the word," she says.
"I know," Zack calls after her. "I never doubt you are always ready to meddle."
"I do it with love," she shouts back and Zack chuckles.
Adding some cheese to the eggs, Zack lets them cook for a minute longer and then scoops them from the frying pan onto two plates. He doesn't so a very good job making the plates even, but remembering how little Ven has been eating, he takes even more off his plate to make Ven's plate bigger. Stacking the toast on the plates, he spots a bottle of advil on top of the fridge. After how much Ven had to drink, there is no doubt he will have a hangover. He holds one plate, balances the other on his arm, and needs a free hand to open the door, so he tucks the advil under his chin and makes for his bedroom before Tifa can come back to the kitchen and ask him what he's doing.
Zack may have grown up working at the bar, but balancing two plates while turning the doorknob of his room proves more challenging than he expected. Just as the door swings open, he loses hold of one of the plates and it starts to slip.
"Woah!" Sora is suddenly at his side, catching the plate, and returning it to a balanced position on Zack's arm. "Got it!"
"Thanks," Zack says, relieved. He switches back to one plate in each hand before disaster can strike again.
Sora wipes his forehead, sweaty from his early shift with the militia and grins, pointing to the two plates. "You really hungry or something?"
"Uhh..." Zack glances at his dark room, then back at Sora. There is no way to say that Ven got drunk and spent the night in Zack's bed that wouldn't give Sora the wrong impression.
Sora looks from the two plates to the advil. "Oh." His mouth forms a perfect circle and he drops his gaze to the steps to Zack's bedroom, cheeks turning red. "Right."
Zack feels his cheeks warming too. "It's not..." His voice dies in his throat and he stares at Sora who stares back. So much for not giving the wrong impression.
"I'm gonna...I'm gonna go do the thing," Sora says backing away. "I mean the shower thing...you know. Finished my shift...sweaty...probably smelly...have to see Kairi..." The jumble of words and half phrases tumble out of Sora's mouth until he reaches the stairs to the second floor and nearly trips over the first step. "N-not that I'm going to see Kairi in the shower, I mean. That's not-" Sora takes a deep breath, his face still burning red. In a rush he says, "I'm happy for you and for Ven and that you're back together and I promise I won't tell anyone."
"Sora," Zack says, trying to call him back, but Sora is up the stairs in a flash. With a sigh, he starts down the stairs and uses his foot to close the door behind him.
...
Ven snaps awake to a gross taste in his mouth and a pounding headache. He has a pillow in his arms, clutched like a lifeline. It smells like Zack. It takes Ven a moment to realize the reason why. He's in Zack's bed, in Zack's room, and it's morning.
"What did I do last night?" Ven asks aloud, dropping a hand over his eyes.
"Made an ass of yourself, but that's not new."
Vanitas. Of course it's Vanitas. Part of Ven is relieved that the disappearing act that Vanitas had pulled (which Ven does remember) had been temporary, but mostly Ven wishes he had another shot glass to throw.
Sitting up, Ven winces. It's been so long since he last had a hangover. He'd almost forgot how bad they could be. He groans and leans his head back against the bed's headboard.
"Serves you right," Vanitas says, standing at the foot of the bed. Nose turned up all superior. Asshole.
Ven throws a pillow at him, missing by two feet. Vanitas snorts and raises his eyebrow in a challenge. Is that all you got?
Massaging his temples, Ven tries to recall everything that had happened and how in the world he'd ended up here. He feels betrayed by his drunk self. His anger for Zack is a sore spot, lingering in the back of his mind. Ven doesn't want to see him, but he doesn't want to leave Zack's bed.
Vanitas perches on the arm of the couch, never taking his eyes off Ven. "Explain something to me," he says. "What is your attraction to Zack? Why do you go back to him after he says awful things to you?"
"You say awful things to me."
"Yeah, and you hate me."
"No, I don't," Ven says and Vanitas' head jerks up in surprise. It's sad that he thought otherwise. "You're stupid for thinking I do," Ven adds. He sighs. "I'm not talking to you about Zack."
The door at the top of the stairs opens and Ven sits up straighter, knowing he's cornered. He's going to have to talk. Zack's going to have questions.
"What are you going to tell him?" Vanitas asks.
Ven wishes he knew. "Maybe I should tell him everything," he whispers. Zack starts down the stairs and his eyes find Ven's. The embarrassing things Ven said last night come back to him, turning his cheeks red. But despite what had happened, Zack is bringing him breakfast in bed. Ven has never felt less deserving of him. He's the awful one between the two of them.
"You tell him about Castle Oblivion and he's going to kick into 10th gear smotherer," Vanitas warns. "Or he'll start padding the walls. Either way him and his macho-man complex will do something stupid like chase down Namine for you. We both know how that would end."
Ven knows, but he doesn't want to imagine it. Zack comes to the bed and sits on the corner by Ven's feet. Ven pulls his knees up to his chest and hugs them, waiting for him to say something first.
Putting one plate in his own lap, Zack holds out an aspirin bottle he'd carried tucked under his chin. "Thought you might need this."
Ven takes the bottle, having trouble meeting Zack's gaze. "Thanks," he whispers and takes two of the pills dry. Without a word, Zack hands him the second plate of eggs and toast.
"You can storm out now before he has a chance to ask anything," Vanitas says. He walks over to lean against the bedside table next to Ven. "You know he's going to ask."
Zack doesn't ask anything though. He sits cross legged facing Ven and starts in on his breakfast, keeping his eyes on his plate. Slowly Ven uncurls himself to mirror him and picks at his food; eating a few small bites of the eggs and then nibbling on a piece of toast. He can't help, but glance at Zack every so often. After several minutes of silence, he looks up at the same time Zack does.
Seeing Zack's plates empty, Ven holds his out to him. "You can have the rest of mine.
"I had enough," Zack says, putting his plate on the ground. "You should have more than that. You haven't been eating lately."
Ven tries to take a few more bites. He can barely bring himself to chew. Giving up, he puts his plate on the floor too, bracing for the inevitable over-concern from Zack.
"Hangovers can really ruin your appetite, huh?"
Zack smiles, a bit hesitantly. Ven does his best to return it. "You sound like you're speaking from experience." Ven says, hoping to steer the conversation in direction where he isn't the topic.
"Lots, unfortunately."
For a few seconds, Ven thinks Zack won't push him, but then the Zack's smile fades. "Are you going to tell me, or do I have to ask?" he asks.
Vanitas tsks. "Entitled, isn't he?"
"Please, don't ask," Ven says. "I don't want to lie to you."
"Then just tell me," Zack says. Ven can tell how frustrated he is by his voice and his too tense shoulders. "What do you think you have to lie about? It's me you're talking to. Doesn't that -" His voice catches in a way Ven didn't expect. "Doesn't that mean anything to you?"
"You know what he'll say," Vanitas says.
Ven swallows hard, shaking his head. "You'll say I'm crazy.
"No, I won't." Zack slides closer on the bed and Ven brings his knees up to his chest again. Tentatively, Zack reaches out and touches Ven's hand. "I'll listen."
Ven presses his lips together, shaking his head. He isn't going to cry. He's already pathetic enough. "I can't."
"I'm trying here, Ven," Zack says, his voice tight. "Why can't you meet me halfway?"
He says it like halfway isn't that far. He doesn't know what he's asking of Ven. 'I've lost my mind.' 'I've gone completely mad.' How is Ven supposed to admit those things? 'I'm the only one who can see Vanitas.' 'I remember you dying twice.'
If he admits that something is wrong with him, Zack will try and fix it. By any means necessary. He can't tell him about what Namine did. He can't tell him about his broken memory. And Vanitas-
Ven stares at his darker half, terrified. If Zack found about Vanitas being in his heart, he would be disgusted. Repulsed. Zack hated Vanitas. He could never love Ven knowing they are a package deal.
The bedroom has no air left. Ven can't breathe. "I have to get out of here," he stutters and springs off the bed. His foot catches the edge of his half eaten plate, spilling eggs all over the floor.
Zack stands, reaching out to steady him, but Ven backs away. He needs to get out of here before he really loses it. His lips are trembling and Zack is looking at him, so upset. "Why are you so sure I'd think you're crazy?" Zack half shouts.
"Because I am. I know I am." Ven seeks out Vanitas, finding him close. He's smiling and trying to hide it. This is what he wanted, Ven knows, for him to reject Zack. Part of him wants to tell Zack everything, just to piss Vanitas off, but then he looks at Zack. His Zack. All grown up, but still the same as the boy Ven remembers. "I can't hear you say it," Ven whispers, and then he runs.
...
Ven takes an aimless walk through Traverse Town's secret places, looking to be alone. But nowhere here is really that secret. Yuffie and Ryla are in the alley by Cid's shop. Donald and Goofy are on the high balcony in the third district. Leon is chatting with Aerith behind the hotel. Ven finally finds a quiet spot by the bell tower and sits with his legs over the edge, looking down at the world below, feeling like he barely knows it. Like he doesn't belong.
Vanitas joins him but has the sense to sit with ample space between them. A long time passes in silence with the two of them staring down the long drop off the roof. Vanitas is the first to speak, keeping his voice quiet. "You shouldn't call yourself crazy."
Ven takes a deep breath and lets it out in a sigh. "If the shoe fits," he says, sullenly.
"You're not crazy," Vanitas snaps. "Trust me on that. I'm in your head, remember?"
"And you know something's wrong with me." Why does Vanitas have to be difficult now? He should happy, all smiles. Ven did what he wanted and rejected Zack. Zack, who was only trying to comfort him and be there for him the way he promised he would the day Ven finally made it back to him.
"That -" Vanitas drags a hand over his face, frustrated. "You want the blunt truth?" He asks, but doesn't wait for an answer. "Calling yourself crazy is a cop out. It's you giving up because it's too hard to accept what happened to you."
Ven stares at him, disbelieving. After everything he's been through, Vanitas is telling him he's not trying hard enough. "Fuck you," Ven says, turning away from Vanitas.
Vanitas kicks his feet against the building. "You know what's wrong with your friends? They're all too nice. Babying you instead of calling you on your bullshit."
"Yeah?" Ven says, challenging, but he refuses to look at Vanitas. "And what's my bullshit?"
"This pathetic acceptance that you're broken and can't be fixed. You're calling yourself crazy because there is no cure for crazy."
Ven jerks his head around. "Then what is wrong with me?" He demands. "What's the cure?"
Vanitas shrugs like answering that question isn't as important as pointing out what he thinks Ven's doing wrong. "I don't know, but you sure as hell can't find it in the bottom of a bottle."
Of course this is about last night. Vanitas had gotten angry as soon as Ven had pulled out the vodka bottle. He'd been so infuriating about it, not caring that it was helping Ven feel better. He gotten so annoyed he disappeared. Ven wishes he's stayed gone.
"You should try your disappearing act again."
Vanitas scoffs. "I'm trying to help."
"Help?" Ven repeats incredulously. Vanitas' help hadn't fixed him. Listening to him only made Ven act more crazy in front of everyone else. He'd gotten under Ven's skin and driven him apart from his friends. And he did it all hiding a smile. "The only thing you've been trying to do is to get me to push Zack away," Ven says, realizing that he has been so stupid. How could he have trusted Vanitas so completely?
"Only because he's not good for you."
"Not 'only because'. You hate him."
Vanitas can't rebuke that. He snaps his mouth shut and stares Ven down, but he doesn't intimidate Ven anymore. Ven might not be able to feel what Vanitas feels, but he's learned a lot about him since waking up in Castle Oblivion. And he'd found that the darkest parts of Vanitas weren't alien to him. He'd meant it when he'd said he doesn't hate Vanitas.
"I guess it's not your fault," Ven says. "Xehanort split us right after I broke up with him."
"We," Vanitas whispers under his breath.
"You took all the dark parts of me - us. You got stuck with all the anger at him in that moment."
Vanitas drags a hand over his face, but this time it's not out of frustration. When his hands fall to his lap, his expression is sad. "I've been trying to give it back to you. I took the anger which meant you lost it. You forgave him. That wasn't supposed to happen."
"Well, it didn't work. I'm not mad at him," Ven says, looking away. He wants to forgive Vanitas too, but he's not ready to yet. "Zack's mad at me because of you. This is what you wanted all along. Me isolated."
"Being alone is for the best. I know you don't want to go back to them. You don't want them fighting your battles."
Ven shakes his head slowly and Vanitas' voice rises.
"Don't put it on me because you're the one pushing them away, It puts them in danger to be around us, the X-blade wielder. I would do it too if it meant someone I cared about would have a better life. So why don't you walk away?"
"You don't get it." Ven reaches into his pocket and pulls out the pin Zack had given him so long ago. He rubbed the worn surface with his thumb. "You've never been in love or had friends and family. You don't understand how hard it is to leave."
"I would be strong enough."
Ven closes his fingers over the pin, squeezing it tight. "But I'm not." He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. "I think you should go," he says to Vanitas. "For a little while."
A short, stunned silence follows. Then Vanitas says, "Go? You want me to go away?" From his voice, Ven can't tell if he's angry or sad.
Keeping his eyes shut, Ven says, "I need to be me. I need to think on my own."
"By that you mean you don't need me."
"I need a lot of things, but it's impossible to have them all at once." Ven doesn't want to hurt Vanitas, but with Vanitas he loses his friends and he loses Zack.
"Hmpf. I guess I didn't make the short list."
"I didn't mean it like that." Ven opens his eyes to see Vanitas looking vulnerable for the first time ever. Ven can see how deep his words cut him. Vanitas had nothing to return to except hanging off the side of Ven's heart if Ven pushes him away.
Vanitas expression darkens suddenly. Defenses coming up. "Whatever," he says in a cold voice. "I'm tired of how bright this world is anyway."
He vanishes before Ven can say another word. Sitting there alone, Ven realizes he'd been looking at Vanitas with pity.
...
The longer he spends without Vanitas' constant stream of comments and opinions, the more Ven realizes how much he'd been letting his darker half influence him, playing up his fears. Which should make Ven hate him or at least not feel guilty for sending Vanitas away, but it doesn't. It only makes him feel very alone.
Ven sits on the bell tower for hours until his butt goes numb, trying to pluck up the courage to go back and talk to Zack. If Zack would ever want to talk to him again.
Ven sighs, and flops onto his back, folding his hands under his head. He could really use some advice right now. Fatherly advice would be nice, or brotherly. He wishes Terra was there to push him into Zack like he had to get him to talk about Keric. Well...that hadn't actually gone so well. But a good shove is what he needs to get off this tower.
Riku startles Ven from his thoughts. "Hey, Ven," he says coming up the ladder to the tower with a sheepish expression.
"Riku," Ven says, sitting up. "How are you feeling?"
"Okay. Not wasted at least."
"That's good," Ven says, motioning for him to over. He thinks he does a good job hiding how upset he is about his own wasted night, but Riku still asks,
"Are you okay?"
"I'm -" Ven can't bring himself to say he's fine this time "I wish people would stop asking me that."
Riku sits on the tower edge, swinging his feet. He's biting his lip too, looking stricken like he is conflicted. Ven waits for him to say what's on his mind. If Riku is anything like him, pushing him won't help.
Riku opens and shuts his mouth several times with no words coming out. He glances at Ven and, seeing his patient expression, ducks his head.
"I yelled at Sora yesterday," Riku says. "He didn't deserve it."
"I'm sure he'll forgive you," Ven says. That doesn't seem like enough to get Riku this upset. He hadn't mentioned Sora last night, only said something about darkness.
"Yeah, I know he will. For that."
It's hard, trying not to push. But this is Ven's moment to prove he's still a big brother to the younger keyblade wielders. "You can tell me anything, Riku. You know that, right?" Ven asks and Riku nods.
With a few more false starts, Riku finally asks, "Do some keyblade wielders have darkness?"
"Of course," Ven says, then realizes a quick response like that might have sounded a little condescending. Riku, Sora, and Kairi hadn't gotten classical keyblade training. It's not their fault there are gaps in their knowledge. "There are keyblades that get their power from light and others that come from darkness."
Riku nods, rubbing his hands together. "Xehanort gets his power from darkness, right?"
Ven has a feeling he knows where this is going. Reluctantly he says, "Yes."
"So darkness is evil." Riku clenches his fist.
"Not necessarily. It's just another kind of power."
"One that light keyblade wielders shouldn't have."
Riku looks at him, pleading silently for Ven to tell him he's wrong. Ven picks his words carefully, knowing how important it is to get this right. But he can't swear off all darkness ever, like Master Eraqus used to tell him to. Maybe he should pass on that lesson, but he needs to give his honest opinion. For himself as much as Riku.
"Nothing is as black and white as people like to believe," Ven says, looking straight at Riku to keep him from dropping his gaze. "A lot of light keyblade wielders don't have the ability to use darkness. If they try to use it, things end up disastrous. Those are the people who you might hear stories about. The ones who get possessed by the darkness."
Riku nods and ducks his head. "That's every story. Darkness always corrupt."
Ven pauses. He starts to smile, knowing how to make Riku feel better. "That is what happened to Xehanort."
"I know."
Ven touches Riku's shoulder, getting him to look at him. "But if you're going to believe darkness always turns a person evil, then you're going to have to lump me in with that group too."
Riku's jaw drops a little. "You?"
Ven nods and Riku returns his smile. "X-blade wielders have hearts that are half light and half dark. It's all about balance. As long as I stay balanced, I'm fine. I'm not going to lie, Riku, having darkness can be dangerous. Your light always has to stay stronger than it." Vanitas would probably make some snide comment at that, saying light could never being as strong as darkness.
"Have you ever used the darkness?" Riku asks, then turns a little red. "Sorry. I shouldn't ask you that."
"I'm not ashamed to say I have," Ven says, hoping Vanitas is listening. "And it's a good thing too. If I hadn't been able to summon a dark keyblade, Terra, Aqua, Master Eraqus, and I would have been screwed the time we went to Carinol." Between the lines he is trying to say, See Van? I need you. But there is no way to tell if the message is getting through.
Ven decides to turn Riku's question on him. "Have you ever used the darkness?"
Riku swallows before nodding. "When I get angry, or I guess sometimes when I'm scared. I don't always mean to do it."
"Can you control it when you use it?" Ven asks. Riku won't have a 'Vanitas' of his own to take control during the use of darkness. He'll have to be able to do it on his own. Something Ven is sure he himself could never do.
"The first time it exploded out of me, but after that, I've channeled it," Riku admits. "For good," he adds quickly.
"I know you would only use it for good, Riku," Ven says.
Riku relaxes, running his fingers through his hair. Smiling, he looks less serious; more like the child he used to be.
"Who else knows?" Ven asks. It's secretly a selfish question. Who else wouldn't immediately dismiss all darkness?
"Sora. Kairi, maybe. She hasn't said anything to me." Riku hesitates before adding, "And Zack."
Ven tries not to show any special interest in Zack. "And what did they say about it?"
Riku shrugs, telling Ven no one has been all that supportive of him using the darkness. And determining, for sure, he isn't going to tell Zack about Vanitas.
"I can't promise that they will all come around," Ven says. "Some people have been given plenty of reason to hate the darkness. Like Zack." He can see Riku wants to say something about Zack, but Ven quickly adds, "It's up to you, Riku, to decide when you use the darkness or if you don't use it at all."
"You're not going to tell me never to use it?"
Ven can't tell if he's happy or not about that. Ven knows when things are hard, it can be nice to have someone tell you what to do. He puts his hand on Riku's shoulder again. "I trust you."
Riku exhales a long breath. "I'm glad I told you," he says. "I almost chickened out. And I'm sorry about last night." The sheepish expression he had had coming up the ladder comes back. "I'm working a double shift to make it up to Tifa for smashing those shot glasses."
Ven tilts his head in confusion, then realizes Riku's memories of the night before are probably as hazy as Ven's. "Oh. You didn't do that," Ven says. It's his turn to be sheepish.
"I didn't? I couldn't remember doing it but I just assumed…" Riku trails off, looking questioningly at Ven. "Did you break the glasses?"
Ven rubs the back of his head, embarrassed. "Uh, yeah. You weren't the only one looking for an answer in the bottom of a bottle last night," he says. "I'll tell Tifa. You don't need to work the extra shift."
But Riku is already waving him off. "Don't worry about it. It'll be my thanks to you for the advice."
Ven grins. "Anytime. I mean it, okay?"
"Okay." Riku stands, looking like he's about to leave, but he hesitates. "I'm probably way out of line, but can I give you some advice?"
"About what?" Ven asks, but he already knows what.
"Talk to Zack. I'm not saying you have to make up just…" Riku gestures, looking self-conscious. "Talk without yelling this time."
Ven stares down at his shoes, his jaw too tight to respond.
Riku goes to leave, but stops at the ladder. "He doesn't leave his room anymore than you do," he says and Ven turns. "I get that it's hard for the two of you to go back to the way things were now that everything's changed, but if you give each other a chance, you might realize you've changed in the same ways."
Ven takes sighs and nods. That would nice."I'm see pining after Marlene for over half your life has made you a love sickness expert," he says, teasingly. He can't resist adding in a singsong voice, "Riku and Marlene sitting in a tree-"
"Please, for the love of god, don't start that again," Riku says, holding up both hands to stop him and looking over his shoulder like Sora might pop up behind him, inspired to torture Riku with that song again.
Ven laughs. It feels good, and genuine, and normal. "You remember that?" he asks Riku. "Sora doesn't."
"I'm having flashbacks right now thanks to you," Riku grumbles, rubbing his forehead. "You would always goad him to do it."
"What can I say? It was always funny."
Riku shakes his head, but he's smiling."Except when Terra would sing it about you and Zack, right?"
They both laugh, remembering those good times. Their life back then is everything Ven misses. He knows he can't get it all back, but he can get Zack back. Hopefully. He has to at least try.
"You coming down?" Riku asks, stepping onto the ladder.
"In a little while," Ven says. He has an apology he has to make first.
Riku disappears down the ladder and Ven waits until he can see him going into the first district to make sure he isn't overheard.
"Van?" Ven says aloud. "I'm sorry." He looks around, but Vanitas doesn't reappear. "I'm not better off now that you're not really part of my heart. I'll find a way to fix us. I promise."
...
Ven knocks on Zack's bedroom door and opens it a crack. "Zack?" he calls quietly. His voice is hoarse and tired. He listens for a response, but Zack isn't down there. He hears the bar door open and sees Kairi coming in. Keen on avoiding any questions, he ducks down the stairs and shuts the door before she sees him.
At the bottom of the stairs, Ven calls again. "Zack?" The basement's empty and the bed has been made. Evidence of their breakfast had all been taken upstairs. The floor is clean like the spilled eggs had never happened. Ven hopes he can clean up and restart with Zack like that, but it's a big mess he's made.
Not knowing where Zack has gone and much too tired to search, Ven sits at the end of Zack's bed, looking down at the carpet.
No matter the outcome, he needs to talk to Zack. Zack deserves at least that much from him. And after the truth is out there, he'll leave if Zack wants him to.
If he does go, they'd all be better off without him, like Vanitas had said. No one else fighting for him or getting hurt for him. He'd tough it out alone with his memories. Maybe he could forget all the bad ones if he focused on the good ones instead.
If this is to be the end of him and Zack, he doesn't want to remember fights, or what happened in the alley. He'd like it if the only memory he kept was of him and Zack the night Tifa and Cloud's wedding. Making out and ending up on this carpet. He used to smile so much back then. Zack had been everything Ven had wanted.
Zack is everything he has ever wanted.
The waiting is awful. Wherever Zack is, he isn't hurrying back. Ven plays through what he will say, what Zack will say back. Every time he imagines it, it gets worse and worse. He's really screwed himself this time.
The sun sets and the bedroom turns dark. Ven's too entrenched in his own thoughts to bother to turn on a light. It isn't until the door at the top of the stairs opens and the ceiling lights turn on that Ven realizes how late it's gotten. Zack comes down the stairs with heavy steps and freezes, seeing Ven.
"Hi, Zack," Ven says. All the times playing through what he would say didn't help. Zack looks so mad and Ven's heart feels like it's trying to break out of his chest. "I'm ready to tell you everything, if you still want to listen."
Zack takes a long time coming down the rest of the steps. He crosses the room with a hard look fixed on Ven that makes him duck his head. Without a word, Zack sits on the bed, leaving a large gap between them.
Ven licks his lips and swallows. "I'm sorry-
"Don't." Zack takes a deep breath. His fingers are interlocked and clutched tight enough to make his knuckles white. "Tell me what's wrong, and then we'll both get the things we're sorry for off our chests."
The beginning would be the best place to start - in Castle Oblivion with Namine - but although Vanitas isn't there at the moment, his warning is still stuck in Ven's head. He wasn't there. He won't understand what it was like.
But he has to start talking. He has to say something. Ven picks the easiest thing to admit and starts there. "I've been having trouble sleeping."
"Why?" Zack doesn't say it harshly, just firmly enough that Ven knows he's not going to be able to get away with being vague.
Ven shrugs, his shoulders staying up and tense. "My mind...I'm thinking too much and I just...I just can't sleep."
"Thinking about what?"
Ven shrugs again. It's even harder than he expected to put everything in words. All the broken, violent memories that have been keeping him up linger in the back of his mind, fueling his anxiety.
"Come on, Ven" Zack's voice rises slightly before coming back under control. "This isn't talking."
Ven leans over with his elbows on his knees and hides his face in his hands. This shouldn't be this hard. This is Zack. If he wants Zack back - and he has never wanted something so much in his life - he has to suck it up and lay it all out. He just hopes Vanitas is right and he isn't crazy.
Zack breaks the silence to prompt him. "Last night you said you hadn't slept since you got your heart back. Is that true?"
Ven lets his hands drop and sits back up, sneaking a quick glance at Zack. He nods his head.
"At all?" Zack asks.
"At all."
"Shit, Ven." Zack sits back, shocked. "That's…"
"I know," Ven says. He sneaks another glance. Zack is frowning, but he doesn't seem mad
"You've been back for days. That's not a few thoughts keeping you up."
Zack looks at him and Ven looks down at his hands. He almost wishes Zack was mad. He'd been expecting it to go that way. The relief of realizing he was wrong makes his shoulders sag. Zack's prodding will unravel him at this rate, baring all his secrets, if he is not careful.
Shifting closer to Ven, Zack asks, "What's keeping you up?"
Wrapping his arms around himself in an attempt to prevent his unraveling, Ven asks, "What else did I tell you last night? I don't remember much."
Zack took a short pause to think. "You babbled about me being hurt, but you didn't make a lot of sense. Something about the Noise. You know, those monsters from Shibuya. Then…" Zack clears his throat. "Uh, you came onto me pretty strong."
Ven vaguely recalls a clever joke he'd made that had to do with the word tipsy, but he feels his face heat up knowing how embarrassing he must have been. He guesses he draped himself all over Zack, wanting to be close and feel Zack hold him. It's what he's been missing ever since their fight.
Zack's ears are pink and Ven whispers, "I'm sorry." The way he's been treating Zack since he's been back is unfair. Ven knows he truly doesn't deserve him anymore. Lips trembling, Ven asks, "Do you remember going to Shibuya?"
"Of course."
Ven nods. Of course. That's how easy memories should be. "Did you get hurt there? Like...really hurt?"
Zack takes another pause to think, then shakes his head. "I got a little banged up, but nothing major," he says. "You almost passed out but - what is it?"
Ven turns away quickly, wiping the tear off his cheek that had managed to escape. "I remember it differently. And I can't stop thinking..." Ven rubs his knuckles back and forth on his legs, unable to control his fidgeting. "I remember you got hurt. Really hurt. I didn't fight off the Noise fast enough. I remember -" Ven takes a deep shuddering breath and looks at Zack. When he can see him, he knows what's real and what's not. Zack touches Ven's wrist, bringing his rubbing, which had turned frantic, to a halt. "You died," Ven says and Zack stares and stares. He has to be thinking it. Crazy.
"That's not what happened," Zack says slowly. He waits like he's expecting Ven to say he's joking, but Ven only looks away, going back to his fidgeting. "What do you mean you remember that?" Zack demands, his voice higher with concern.
"I don't know," Ven says. He hides his face in the crook of his arm, hugging his knees to his chest. "My head is just...I'm so confused."
"I'm here. I didn't die there."
"I know. I know.
"How can your memories be wrong?" Zack asks. "That wrong?"
Ven manages a small shrug. "There's something wrong with me," he whispers.
Zack hand touches the back of Ven's head. He shifts a little closer. "This is all about Castle Oblivion, isn't it? Sora, Riku, and Kairi talked about illusions that were your memories." Ven doesn't respond but leans into Zack's touch, not caring if it's embarrassing how much he needs him. "C'mon, Ven," Zack says. His fingers gently brush through Ven's hair. "Talk to me."
He says it with such caring, the last defenses Ven has unravel. "I woke up in a white room," he begins haltingly. He lifts his head out of his arms and rests his chin on his knuckles. "I didn't know where I was. No one was there. I thought I might be dead." Zack's rhythmic fingers in his hair stuttered. "Destroying the keyblade was supposed to kill us - me." Ven sends a silent apology to Vanitas if he's listening, but he can't let Zack know the two of them are rejoined now. "The only way to go was down through the castle. I went down the stairs and suddenly I was in Shibuya and I didn't know it was an illusion at the time. And you were there, looking just how I remembered you." Ven looks to Zack. "And I watched you die."
"Oh, Ven," Zack says, shifting even closer.
Ven doesn't let him say more. Now that he's started talking he can't stop. "I met her a few floors down. Namine. She pretended to be other people. Vanitas mostly. Keric once. She wanted me to give up. She kept telling me you all were dead." He swallows and takes a steadying breath. "After the Keyblade Graveyard I knew it wasn't real. But then in the Pride Lands, Terra and Aqua." Ven squeezes his eyes shut and he tries to focus on Zack. Zack's hand in his hair. Zack's chest brushing his shoulder. "They didn't make it," is all he can say. "And they were supposed to come save me in Halloween Town, but they never came."
Zack lays his hand over Ven's and squeezes. "It wasn't real. If you can't believe your memories, believe me. They didn't die in the Pride Lands. I didn't die in Shibuya."
Ven laughs because it's either that or start sobbing. He must be crazy if he needs Zack, who is sitting right beside him, to insist he is alive. "You know what's the worst part?" Ven asks. "She twisted my memories so much I watched you die twice. Twice. How fucking illogical is that? Once in Shibuya and then again here after Vanitas…"
Ven sniffs loudly and lets out another hysterical laugh. "You want to know why I'm crazy?" He twists in his seat to face Zack fully. He uses his hand not held by Zack's to cup Zack's face. His voice cracks, saying, "When I'm not sitting here, looking right at you, I believe it. I know it didn't happen, but the alley is always in the back of my mind. With you lying there. Y-y-you were so cold."
Tears cloud Ven's vision. Zack guides him into his arms and Ven latches on, hoping to hold on tight enough to erase the awful image of the alley forever. "Why have you been dealing with this alone?" Zack murmurs into his hair.
Ven almost says he wasn't alone. Almost mentions Vanitas because it seems wrong not to. His story would have gone much differently without Vanitas as part of it. But instead, Ven shrugs and gives up on holding back tears. Sobs caught in his throat give him an excuse not to answer more questions.
It doesn't take long for the tears to exhaust him. His sobs die out and his eyes dry up. Zack's arms stay around him, a gentle hand carding through his hair. He keeps his head pressed into the crook of Zack's neck feeling limp and weak. Maybe he's too tired, but for once, being weak doesn't bother him.
"I sat there with you for so long," Ven says, closing his eyes. "I never had a chance to say good bye."
"Ven," Zack whispers, sounding so sad, so real. It makes Ven shiver. "I didn't die in that alley. You went with Vanitas to save me. And you did say good bye. You told me you loved me. You don't remember that?"
Ven shakes his head again and manages to get out a pitiful, "No," before his throat closes up again.
Tears come slower now and Zack rubs circles on his back. It must be hypnotic or something. Ven can feel himself being pulled towards sleep. Zack shifts, making Ven yawn.
"You tired?" Zack asks.
Ven nods, pulling back to rub his eyes. He can feel sleep gathering in their corners. "This is new to me. I hadn't tried exhausting myself by crying."
"Just with alcohol, huh?" Zack's lips quirk up and Ven laughs. It's the kind of laugh that expels all stress and fear he's kept pent up since returning to Traverse Town.
"And fighting giant heartless," Ven says, still smiling, but Zack stiffens. Ven does the same despite his sleepiness. "Sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up." He waits for Zack to say something. Maybe telling him about Castle Oblivion was too little too late. He'd tried to prepare for Zack telling him they're over officially. But Ven's heart is pounding and he feels tears start to rise again. He's not ready to hear that.
Zack sighs and starts to pull away from Ven. "I'm sorry I'm so protective of you. I can't help it. I get it if you want space."
"No." Ven jerks Zack back against him. "I'm sorry. I wish I could take back everything I said. I want things to be like they used to be. I want us to be like we used to be."
And slowly Zack smiles. He smiles so wide it must hurt. "I want that too."
Relief washes over Ven. "I know I've been difficult but are we okay?"
"Difficult was getting up every day for ten years without you." Zack holds Ven's face between his hands. "We're okay." He brings their lips together in a soft, loving, understanding kiss.
They sit there for a long while simply holding each other, enjoying the way they fit together. Ven's eyelids start to droop and, with a yawn, he says, "I think I will actually fall asleep tonight."
"Yeah?" Zack says.
"Yeah." Ven snuggles closer. "I have a new theory. I don't think falling asleep last night had anything to do with the alcohol."
"Oh? Then what was the magic ingredient?"
"You." Ven traces a swirling pattern on Zack's chest. "Do you mind if I sleep down here tonight?"
"I would love that."
Zack finds Ven the same sweatpants he'd borrowed the first night he came back and a t-shirt. Ven changes in the bathroom and comes out to find Zack already sliding under the covers. Zack pats the bed beside him and Ven joins him.
"Can I ask for one more thing?" Ven asks, rolling on his side to face Zack.
Zack mirrors him. "Name it."
"Well…" Ven can feel blush starting to color his cheeks. "Do you have scars from the alley?"
Zack presses a hand to his chest, rubbing it like it pains him. "Yeah."
"Can I see them?"
Zack gives a strange look, but doesn't ask why. He sits up enough to take his shirt off and then lays back down beside Ven, facing him once more.
Jagged white lines left from Vanitas' keyblade marr Zack's chest. Three in total. Ven reaches out a hand and touches one, feeling like an idiot to have trusted Vanitas.
"You healed me as best you could before you left with him," Zack says quietly. "Aerith said I wouldn't have made it without you."
Ven appreciates that Zack doesn't ask him if he remembers that. Despite the praising way Zack talks about him healing him, Ven stares at Zack's scars feeling guilt threaten to overwhelm him. "I'm sorry," Ven says. Everyone would be better off without him there to suck them into his life. They all get hurt.
"You have nothing to apologize for."
"It's my fault," Ven traces the scar that goes over Zack's left shoulder. "You got hurt protecting me."
"Ven." Zack takes Ven's hand, stopping him from tracing the scars, and makes Ven look at him. "You can blame Vanitas, you can blame Xehanort, you can blame Kingdom Hearts for forcing the responsibility of the X-blade on you, or the whole universe, if you like. But you can't blame yourself." Ven looks down at the bed instead of at Zack, but Zack pulls him closer, making it impossible to avoid the gaze of his beautiful blue eyes. "You did nothing wrong. Nothing. Okay?"
It doesn't make Ven feel less responsible for what happened, but knowing that Zack doesn't blame him lessens his guilt. He nods and Zack starts to pull back, but this time Ven is the one to keep him close and look him in the eye. "You know, you didn't do anything wrong either," Ven says. "You shouldn't blame yourself for what happened to me."
Zack blinks several times and drops his gaze. "I couldn't find you."
"I needed those ten years to heal," Ven says, playing with a lock of Zack hair. "Aqua had to make it so no one could find me during that time. Even you."
"Believe me, I'm going to chew her out for that one when we find her," Zack grumbles and then rolls onto his back, pulling Ven with him so he ends up half on top of him.
Ven lays his head on Zack's shoulder and lets his eyelids shut. It's so pleasant to feel sleep pulling under. He'll never take this feeling for granted again. Zack hand returns to carding through Ven's hair and it makes him sigh. "Thank you for not calling me crazy," he whispers.
Zack hums at that. "Do you remember the last thing you told me before you passed out last night?"
"No," Ven mumbles.
"You told me you love me." There is a hint of teasing in Zack's voice.
Ven groans and nestles closer to Zack. "Drunk me's embarrassing."
"You seem close to passing out again so I wanted to be the one to say it tonight. I love you." Zack kisses forehead. "Every part of you."
"L've you," Ven says, his voice slurred.
"Get some sleep, Ven."
And like that is all he has been waiting for, Ven slept.
...
Roxas hates him. There is no doubt about it. Hates his guts for everything. Because truly everything is Axel's fault. He's like a wrecking ball, tearing through life. Hot-headed. And Roxas is realizing that now, going over every memory they share and coming up with the only conclusion that he hates him. He hasn't come back to the treehouse he doesn't know to tell Axel he doesn't like him anymore.
Axel groans, turning his head to bury his face in his bedroll. "Roxas," he says out loud to feel a little less alone.
"Is this what you do when I leave you alone?"
Axel jerks upright to see Roxas standing in the doorway.
"You sit here, whispering my name by yourself?" The teasing in Roxas voice is light hearted, like the way he used to talk. He's even standing in a way that seems like him. Not with his shoulders hunched against the world.
"Roxas?" Axel asks, getting to his feet. He takes in Roxas drawn face and the way his smile doesn't quite reach his eyes. "How are you feeling?"
Roxas tilts his head at the question. "I remember everything and…" He stops fake smiling looks down at his shoes. "I'm sorry."
Axel waves off the apology and puts both hands on Roxas' shoulders. "But how are you feeling?"
"I-" Roxas rubs a hand over his face. "I want to cry," he says. "I want to, but I can't. It's like…" But there is nothing like it to describe and Roxas can only make a meaningless gestures to sum up how confused he feels.
"Welcome to being a Nobody," Axel says, softly.
Roxas looks at Axel, at a loss of how to react. His eyes search Axel's for answer, but Axel has none to give. With a sigh, Axel pulls Roxas to him and hugs him tight. Roxas buries his face in Axel's chest and clings to him ,shaking.
"It'll be alright," Axel says, dropping his head onto Roxas' shoulders. "I've got you." After a few minutes, Roxas pulls back and Axel can get a better look at him. "You tired?" he asks, tracing the bags under Roxas' eyes. "Or hungry? There's coconut with your name on it if you are."
Roxas makes a face at the last coconut in their stockpile corner. "I remember how much I dislike coconut."
Axel let's out a bark of laughter because it's all just so normal. Like waking up from a nightmare and continuing with your day. Roxas is back to being Roxas. God, he wants to kiss him, but just because Roxas now remembers kissing Axel at Castle Oblivion doesn't mean he wants to again.
"Did you know that tree over there has fruit?" Roxas asks, pulling a star shaped fruit from his pocket.
A paopu fruit. Axel stares, mind racing. He knows the legend of the paopu fruit. If they share it, their destinies will be intertwined forever. There's no way Roxas would know the story. He doesn't know what he's offering Axel and Axel, selfishly, doesn't want to tell him.
Roxas breaks off a piece of the fruit to eat. It's juicy on the inside and drips all over his hand. "It's really good," Roxas says. He holds it out to Axel. "Want to try?"
Axel breaks off a piece of his own, getting the juice all over his hands as well. He doesn't need to tell Roxas. It's a stupid legend anyway.
The paopu fruit is delicious. "Mm," Axel savors it, wondering why they ever bothered eating the coconuts. Roxas gives him a sly smile and Axel swallows. "What? Did I get it on my face?" He asks, wiping his cheeks.
"Yeah," Roxas says, standing up on tip-toe. "Let me get it."
And then Roxas is kissing him. His Roxas is kissing him. His Roxas, who just shared a paopu with him, is kissing him. It's sweet and tastes like the fruit and like Roxas. It takes like heaven. It tastes like home.
So this chapter is about 10,000 words… wtf is wrong with me? ? And it's like 92% dialog? ? Let's just let that terrible writing choice slide
I AM SO SORRY! (general apology for lateness and the fact that this chapter could probably be shortened a lot if I knew how to write emotional conflict)
Anywho. My readers, if you are still with me, you are the true MVP.
micaelaann. cruz, Amestri, thanks for reviewing last chapter back when it was june! :)
The adventure continues! Now that mushy gushy, cryfest, hugfest, fluff-fest is over we can get back to hitting people with keyblades. Maybe not next chapter but the action is going to pick back up I swear!