Chapter Twenty-One: Need
"Julian asked you to talk to me, right?" Brooke asked as she dug her hands deeper into her coat pocket.
Jess nodded. "He just wants to make sure you're okay."
"I am." Brooke sighed heavily as she leaned against the railing of the pier. "I've told him that so many times already. Why doesn't he believe me?"
Jess stood next to Brooke and remained quiet.
"Are you going to say anything?" Brooke asked as she glanced over at Jess.
"What do you want me to say?"
Brooke shrugged. "Something." She said softly.
Jess pushed herself away from the railing of the pier and began to walk further down it. Brooke curiously followed. "Isn't this the most beautiful things you've ever seen?" Jess asked, her eyes were closed and a smile graced her face as she leaned into the soft breeze. The sun was just about to rise so the color of the sky resembled an Easter egg while the ocean roared beneath them. Brooke nodded her head in agreement unsure of where Jess was going with all of this. "I was tired of the sunsets." She said as she turned to face Brooke.
"In LA?"
Jess nodded. "It was the same thing day in and day out. They were always so beautiful and peaceful but they weren't like this," She said as she motioned toward the horizon. "They symbolized the end of the day rather than a new beginning. Those sunsets always reminded me of what I'd failed to do during the day. They were depressing." Jess shrugged. She watched as Brooke pondered her words. "But this," She smiled looking back out at the horizon. "This symbolizes a new day and endless opportunities. This is what life is all about."
Brooke remained quiet for a few minutes before looking over at Jess. "I'm not fine."
"I know." Jess said softly as she wrapped her arm around Brooke.
They stood together at the end of the pier and watched the sun rise high up into the morning sky. It was a new day full of endless opportunities and Brooke decided to take advantage of that.
--
Julian sat in the living room shaking his head trying to make sense of the whole thing. "I just don't get it." He said finally as he made eye contact with the two sleepy teenagers in front of him.
"I already told you," Sam sighed. "I got scared last night after hearing a noise so I went into Jack's room so he could comfort me for a little while but I ended up falling asleep in his bed. Nothing happened!"
"How am I supposed to know if you're telling the truth or not?" Julian asked.
"Because I am." Sam replied as she folded her arms over her chest and leaned back on the couch.
Julian looked over at Jack who seemed extremely uncomfortable. "You guys know the rules like the back of your hands. He stays in his room and you stay in your room. It's really not that hard."
Sam groaned in frustration, Julian clearly didn't understand what she had been trying to tell him for the past twenty minutes since he found them in bed together—sleeping.
"She was scared so she came to me and we lay together in my bed for a little while which looking back on it now was a really stupid idea. I would never do anything to jeopardize what I have here with you and Brooke so I know that when you walked into my room this morning it looked bad but it was totally innocent." Jack tried.
Julian sighed as he leaned back on the loveseat. "I don't know what I'm going to do with the two of you."
"Let us off the hook because we did nothing wrong?" Sam suggested.
"I could do that but isn't that what Victoria did and we all know how that ended up." Julian said as he put his head in his hands.
Sam turned beet red. "That was a mistake. This was innocent and totally an accident."
"You think having sex was a mistake?" Jack turned to face her.
"No," She said as she shook her head. "I mean yes." She reached out for his arm but flinched when he pulled away.
"Really?" Jack asked in disbelief as he got up from the couch and began to back away.
Sam shook her head as she glanced over at Julian. "I don't really want to talk about this in front of Julian."
"Why not?" Jack asked. "He knows what we did and personally I'm not ashamed of it but I can clearly tell that you are so…" He shook his head unsure of what to say next. "I'll be back later." He said as headed out the front door.
Sam stared at the door with her mouth open for a few minutes after Jack slammed it shut. "Look what you did!" She exclaimed as she stomped off to her bedroom. "You're fucking unbelievable!"
Julian groaned as he leaned back. He knew he should have scolded her for her language but he simply didn't have enough energy to do so. He only hoped that Brooke's morning was going better than his.
--
"Do you want to know why I'm in the profession I'm in?" Jess asked as she scooped up a handful of sand.
Brooke nodded and watched as she released the sand slowly. "Sure." She replied knowing that the more Jess talked the less she would have to.
Jess took a deep breath before opening up. She told her about Will and the wedding and the unplanned pregnancy. She told her about the abortion and about the way Will had died. They both had tears in their eyes by the time Jess had finished.
"I regret what I did every single day, Brooke. I always think about what my life would be like if I hadn't had the abortion. Would Will still be alive? Would we be the proud parents of a little boy or girl? Where would we be living? What would I be doing? I think about it constantly and no matter how hard I try to force it out of my head it won't go away. But the one thing that makes the voices in my head stop is when I'm helping people like you." She smiled as she reached for Brooke's hand. "When I had the abortion I ended a life and so shortly after that day when both my child and my husband died I decided to become a doctor, I wanted to give life back to people. I still feel guilty for what I did but when a couple finally ends up pregnant because of something I did to help them that guilt, just for a moment, vanishes. I feel happy again but then I remember what I did six years ago and it takes everything I have inside of me not to run out of the room and get sick. I haven't told anyone about what I did all those years ago until just recently and ever since I did, I feel so much lighter. Lucas was the first person I told and he's helped me in so many ways since, he's there for me just like Julian is there for you." She said as she squeezed Brooke's hand gently.
Brooke knew why she had told her what she just had. She knew that they had a bond that could never be broken and Jess truly wanted her to know about her past but she also knew by telling her this she could strike a nerve within her. Brooke hated that she knew her so well.
"I know he is." Brooke said softly. "I just feel like I can't tell him certain things."
"Brooke, he's going to be your husband soon, you need to tell him everything if you're ever going to make your marriage work."
For the first time Brooke looked up at Jess. "What if what I have to tell him hurts him or makes him angry?" She asked as her voice cracked.
Jess felt a knot form in her stomach. "What aren't you telling him?"
"I knew the four men who attacked me." She said her voice barely above a whisper.
--
Nathan opened the door and was surprised to see Julian standing on his doorstep. "What's up, man?" He asked as he adjusted Sarah on his hip.
"I needed to get out of the house." Julian replied as he made his way past Nathan and into the house. "Do you have any beer in the fridge?"
"It's not even nine o'clock in the morning." Nathan laughed as he glanced down at his watch.
Julian poked around in the fridge before shutting the door. "Screw the beer. I need the hard stuff. Got any vodka?" He asked as he began rummaging through the cabinets looking for the liquor.
Nathan placed his hand on the cabinet Julian was about to open preventing him from doing so. "What's going on?" He asked.
Julian sighed as he backed away from the cabinet and collapsed on one of the bar stools in the kitchen.
"I screwed up with Sam earlier." He admitted. "I mean I royally screwed up with her. I'm pretty sure I broke her and Jack up that's how badly I fucked up."
Sarah giggled in Nathan's arms as she stared at Julian which caused both of them to laugh at her. "Want to start from the beginning?" Nathan asked as he placed Sarah down in her playpen a few feet away in the living room.
Julian shook his head but then nodded. "I don't think I'm going to be a good dad." He said.
"Sure you will." Nathan assured him as he walked back into the kitchen.
"No," Julian said as he shook his head again. "You weren't there this morning. You didn't see the hurt in Sam's eyes when I told her I didn't believe her or the look on her face after Jack stormed out. I tried going into her room a little while after but she wouldn't even look at me. She told me she hated me and that I should go to hell—"
"Julian," Nathan smiled. "She's a seventeen year-old girl; she's going to say things like that all the time and then three hours later apologize. You may not biologically be her father but that's how she sees you. She loves you just as much as she loves Brooke and the three of you are a family no matter how strange or weird it may seem. You can't say that you think you're going to be a bad dad because you're already a great one to Sam."
Julian let Nathan's words sink in before speaking again. "But what happens when Brooke and I finally have a kid of our own or adopt one? I don't know how to talk in bedtime story voices or how to get a crying baby to calm down and go back to sleep. I don't know how to be a dad because mine was never around so I'm scared shitless that when the time comes I'm going to fall short and my kid's going to grow up and see me as a failure."
Nathan didn't say anything. Instead, he walked over to where Sarah was playing with a toy in her playpen, scooped her up and handed her off to Julian before pushing him toward the front door.
"What are you doing?" Julian asked as he held Sarah in his arms.
Nathan stopped once they were in front of the large mirror that hung adjacent to the front door. "Look at that." He said as he motioned to the reflection of his daughter and Julian. "You look like a damn good dad to me."
"She's not my daughter." Julian argued.
Sarah giggled at her reflection in the mirror and smiled as she tried to touch it. "I've seen you with her. You may not think you know what you're doing but I don't leave my kid with just anyone, Julian. You make her laugh and giggle and smile, you talk in that ridiculous high pitched voice of yours because you know she likes it, you know that she needs to have her blanket with her when she sleeps or else she'll start to cry. And you're right: she's not your daughter but she's proof that you're going to be a good dad." He smiled. "She's a practice run for you and so far, you've done nothing but love her and care for her just like a father would do."
Julian nodded as he continued to stare at the reflection of him and Sarah in the mirror. "Thanks." He smiled. "I needed that."
Nathan clapped his hand on Julian's shoulder. "I know you did."
--
"You knew them?" Jess repeated.
"I went to college with them." Brooke said as she shook her head.
Jess nodded at this information. She wanted to scream and tell Brooke that she had to go to the police and give them all the information she knew about those bastards so they pay for what they did but she also knew that if she did that Brooke would immediately clam up and not say another word. "Tell me about them." She urged gently.
Brooke breathed in a shaky breath before turning to face Jess on the dune where they were sitting. "The one who died a couple weeks ago, his name was Keith and he was the nicest, sweetest guy. He was the one who seemed like he didn't belong in the group; Matt, Justin and Devin were your typical bad boy rebel types and I was the stupid girl who fell for them. I wanted to like Kevin because he reminded me so much of Lucas, soft-spoken, kind, loving, sweet, and vulnerable but at the same time I was scared that he'd end up cheating on me just like Lucas had." She stopped when she saw curiosity flash in Jess's eyes. "We dated; me and Luke. I'm guessing based on your face right now he didn't tell you about that or what happened and led to us breaking up." Brooke said as Jess shook her head.
"You can tell me about it later. I care about what happened to you and how you knew these guys." Jess said as she squeezed Brooke's knee.
Brooke nodded and sat for a few seconds trying to figure out what to say next. "So instead of going after Kevin I fell for the boy that was the total opposite. Matt. It scared me at first all of the stuff he was in to but with time I got used to it." She glanced over at Jess before continuing. "I was scared and all alone at a college where I didn't know anyone and Peyton was all the way on the other side of the country trying to make it big in the music industry. I would call Nathan and Haley to see if they wanted to hang out but they were busy with Jamie and in school themselves so I felt guilty even if they said yes so I'd end up calling them back and telling them they could just stay in with Jamie and not to worry about it. I don't know why I did it but one weekend I called Lucas to see if he wanted to hang out the following weekend."
Jess could tell she was about to reveal something she hadn't told many people, if anyone, and the only other person that knew was Lucas.
"Matt and I were in my room and he wanted to escalate things but I told him I was meeting a friend and I couldn't have sex right then. I told him we could have some fun when I got home later. He didn't take no for an answer. He pinned me against the bed and began to undress me even though I was trying to fight him off. I kicked him between the legs which caused him to yelp out in pain and slap me across the face. I started screaming but he put his hand over my mouth and grinned as he watched me struggle underneath him." She pulled at the sleeves of her sweatshirt and closed her eyes. "I heard Lucas knocking on the door but Matt kept yelling go away! Or you have the wrong room! I don't know how, but he must have recognized one of my muffled screams because the next thing I know, Lucas busted down the door, ripped Matt off of me and scooped me up into his arms and carried me out to his car. He told me I was going to be okay as he drove us to the hospital, my head was bleeding and my lip was split open." She inhaled deeply as she lifted her gaze to the ocean in front of her. "I can't even think about what would have happened if Lucas didn't save me from Matt the moment that he did. There's not a doubt in my mind that he would have raped me in my dorm room. I thought he loved me but now I realize how stupid I was to believe that." She said as she shook her head.
"You're not stupid." Jess said as she wiped her eyes.
"I was." Brooke nodded. "I knew what I was getting myself into but I refused to acknowledge the reality of the situation until it was too late. Matt had always scared me but he had never scared me more than that night when he towered over me in my store and said with a smile, 'Lucas can't save you now'." She let out sound, which Jess thought resembled a whimper, before turning to her. "That's what hurt the most, it hurt more than when they burned their cigarette butts into my skin, more than when they thrusted so hard inside of me I thought they broke me; hearing him say that Lucas couldn't save me hurt like hell." She felt Jess gently rub her back. "I don't love him like you do, I haven't for a long time, but he promised me a long time ago that he would save me from it all. So as I lay exposed, aching and hurting it killed me to know he wouldn't be able to keep his promise which is why he will never know it was Matt that night."
"But—"
Brooke shook her head. "He'll blame himself for what happened and that's not fair to him or to you. What happened that night was no one but Matt, Justin, Devin and Kevin's fault. When it comes to the people he loves Lucas will stop at nothing until justice and revenge have been served and I don't want him to do anything that might tear you guys apart because I haven't seen him this happy in a very long time. I can't ruin this for him, I just can't."
Jess nodded as she absorbed Brooke's words. She knew that Lucas and Brooke shared more than just a friendship and usually she'd feel jealous or threatened by a relationship like that but this time, surprisingly, she didn't. He may not have saved her that night when she was ambushed in her store but he did save her in her dorm room and Jess had a feeling he had saved her countless times before that and would continue to save her until the day he died. It seemed as though they had a bond that could never be broken by even the strongest of hands.
After a long silence Jess finally found her voice. "Which one of them is in the coma?"
Brooke turned to face the ocean once again and closed her eyes as the warm breeze fluttered through her loose hair she had just released from the hair elastic. "Matt."
--
Julian sat at the kitchen table staring at Sam's door. He had been that way for almost two hours; she had been in her room blasting some music that Peyton had given her a few weeks ago. He let out a loud sigh and banged his head down on the glass table top in frustration.
"If you want it to be effective you might want to try the granite." Her snarky voice said as she gestured toward the breakfast bar. "It works better."
His head whipped up. "Sam." He said as he stared at her.
She rolled her eyes as she made her way over to the table and threw herself down in the chair opposite from him. "I don't want to be mad at you anymore." She said simply.
He grinned. "Me either."
"You need to learn how to trust me." She said as she leaned forward.
"You need to learn how it feels to be a parent. I know I overreacted but that's what parents do; they overreact and overanalyze every little thing which ends up driving their kid nuts and then they wonder why the kid stomps off screaming things like I hate you or you're fucking unbelievable." He grinned when he saw Sam smile at his impression of her. "I love you which is why I acted the way I did this morning and I'm sorry if I screwed things up between you and Jack. That was never my intention—"
"We're fine." She smiled as she leaned back in the chair. "You can come out now." She called down the hallway and seconds later Jack emerged with a smile on his face.
Julian shook his head. "You're unbelievable."
"Fucking unbelievable." Sam corrected as she smirked.
Julian and Jack couldn't help but laugh.
"I really don't like my daughter using that kind of language." Julian said as he got up from the table to fix himself a cup of tea. He felt two sets of eyes follow him so he turned around to see their dumbfounded expressions. "I would have asked you if you wanted some but I know you both love your teeth-staining, growth-stunting coffee."
Sam shook her head. "Daughter?" She repeated.
Julian stopped filling his mug and nodded. "That's what I said, didn't I?"
Sam nodded and the grin on her face grew bigger.
He popped the mug in the microwave before turning back to her. "If it's okay with you I was thinking that once Brooke and I get married I'd go down to the courthouse and sign the document that makes me your father and you my daughter but I only want to do that if you're one hundred percent okay—"
He got his answer when she jumped up from the table and wrapped her arms around him in a big hug. "Of course it's okay with me." She smiled up at him. "I'm finally getting the family I've always wanted."
--
It was nearing four o'clock in the afternoon and Brooke knew she should be on her way back home because she knew Julian, Jack and Sam were probably getting worried. As she and Jess walked back to the house she explained her past with Lucas and talked about the love triangle from hell. As they neared Brooke's front door Jess stopped which caused Brooke to stop as well.
"You can't keep shutting him out." Jess said softly. "He's supposed to be the one you share everything with not keep everything from."
Brooke nodded. "I know that. I just want to protect him."
"From what?"
"All of it." She shrugged. Her mind couldn't help but flash back to when Lucas said those same words to her…when he promised to save her.
"He'll understand." Jess assured him. "I know him better than anyone on this planet so you can trust me when I say that."
Brooke smiled and turned away.
"Where are you going?" Jess called after her.
"To tell him everything." She yelled back as she skipped up her front steps.
Jess smiled as she watched Brooke open the door only to be hugged by her brother. He gave her a nod which she knew was his way of saying thank you. She nodded back. A day like today was exactly what Brooke needed. She needed to realize that Julian was going to be there for her no matter what. She needed to realize that in order to fully move past the attack she had to come clean about what happened that night and not leave certain pieces out. She needed to tell Julian all that she'd told Jess and Jess knew that she was going to do just that. As Jess turned to head toward the home she shared with Lucas, she noticed the sun beginning its slow descent and for once she didn't feel like a failure when she saw it.
--
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