To Have and Have Not

I don't generally go around with a profound sense of self-satisfaction. There's lots of our kind who feel like the top of the food chain and all-around winners most of the time. I'm not really like that. But this morning, I am the finest tiger in the jungle. I got this whole thing nailed.

I totally had a make-out session with Bella.

I am as close to paternal-rights monopoly as I can get without actually spawning Thomas.

I am way better at changing diapers than Emmett.

I'm so good at the whole baby-maintenance thing that when Bella wakes up I tell her that I'll watch Thomas while she goes and signs the papers. I am hoping that she can get in there early enough to sign them without having to see Tyler.

Thomas and I are kickin' it with some jazz and some John D. McDonald - I figure the Travis McGee books will help him learn his colors – when I get a text from Quil.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO GET DOWN HERE, SPORT. YOUR GIRL IS REFUSING TO SIGN.

I stare at my phone for a minute, waiting for the message to change into something else or for Quil to send one saying he was just fucking with me, because fucking with vampires is a cool thing that it seems like he'd be into doing.

Nothing happens, so I close my book and Thomas and I take the elevator down to the second floor conference rooms. Why in the world would Bella refuse to sign? It makes me anxious; I wonder if she has suddenly changed her mind about us.

I can hear the thought-fuckery tornado going on in the conference room from all the way the way down the hallway, and I mumble to Thomas about what a lucky dude he is that he won't be expected to participate in the cluster-fuck in conference room #203. He makes a gurgly-spitty noise at me. I decide to think of it as kind of a drooly pep-talk.

I open the door to see the following: Bella sitting in the center of the room, looking at the ground, looking like she's close to tears. Tyler sitting in a chair he has pushed into a corner to get as far from Emmett as he can. Emmett grinning at Tyler from across the room. Quil leaning down next to Bella, trying to talk to her. Rose glaring at the two of them and Kevin, the lawyer hired to make sure we were compliant with Arizona law, looking around the room as if the circus has come to town.

As soon as they see me, Tyler pulls even farther into the corner. If he recedes any further he's going to look like wallpaper. Rose jumps up and says, "Edward, I've never been so happy to see you," and Bella looks at me with her eyes filled with tears and says, "Oh, Edward. I'm so sorry."

That's bad. That's very bad.

"What's wrong?" I ask. Rosalie makes a loud "tsking" noise and Quil pats Bella on the shoulder.

"It's OK, Buttercup. We can fix it." Bella gets up and walks over to Thomas and I. She puts her hand on his head and strokes it.

"What's going on, Bella?" I ask again, raising my eyebrows at her. Which has NO impact on her because she's not looking at me. On purpose. Bad things.

"Bella," I say in that sing-songy, annoying voice that Alice uses with me all the time. "I can't help you if you don't tell me what's going on."

She finally looks at me apologetically, biting her lower lip and wincing. "That's just it, Edward. I should have been paying more attention. I have been letting you guys do all the work and, just…hiding from reality, you know?" I have a very bad feeling I'm about to get dumped in front of half a dozen people. I don't know if you've ever had that happen to you and since I've never actually had a girlfriend it's never happened to me, but it seems like it'd be unpleasant.

"Let's go talk about this somewhere more private," I suggest, pulling on her elbow and going for the door.

"But what about..." Bella gestures back to the room.

"Well, the lawyers are getting paid by the hour and Emmett and Rosalie aren't exactly running out of time. And, frankly, I don't care about him." I gesture to Tyler, who winces when I look at him. I think he thought if he held still I'd think he was a statue. A freakin' teenage boy statue. Except that he's sweating bullets right now.

Bella follows me into the hallway and down a few doors to at least give us a little bit of privacy. At the end of the hall I stop and – still holding Thomas – look at her expectantly. She wrings her hands a little before taking a deep breath and starting to talk.

"It's just that, I've been letting you guys take care of everything and that's not right. I mean, I'm a mother, for Christ's sake, and I have been acting like a child." She sighs and continues, "I spent my whole pregnancy pretending Thomas didn't have a dad and misleading my dad and now I let you guys handle this whole custody issue. I let you guys spend all this time working on the agreement and I could have prevented this whole mess. I just wanted to pretend that he was yours." She looks at the ground, clearly embarrassed.

She looks like she's going to cry again and I am really at a maturity impasse here. I mean, on one hand, if she's thinking about breaking up with me and going to play house with the actual biological father of the baby I've come to think of as my own, fuck yeah, I want her to be crying right now. I want her to be feeling so upset about this that she cries herself silly and decides that it's the wrong idea because she's wallowing in abject misery.

On the other hand, I love her and I don't want her to be upset. At all. Even if she has decided she wants to be with that mediocre 19 year-old human whose only advantage over me is viable sperm.

My long-awaited emotional maturity could have picked a better time to show up. The impulse to act like a grown-up is seriously fucking with my future happiness right now.

"What do we need to do to make this right, Bella?" I feel every single one of my 110 years when I say this. She bites her lip as she thinks.

"I think I need to talk to Tyler. Privately." She waits for my reaction. I nod and rub Thomas's head for comfort. My own, that is.

"Why don't you hold onto him," she says, gesturing at Thomas. "Tyler and I can go downstairs for lunch or something." I nod again, glad that I will at least get to hold onto "my" baby for a little longer.

"I'm going back up to the room then. Let me know when you get it figured out." I am a sad, sad vampire. If I had a cape it would be dragging on the ground.

I mope in the room. Thomas and I have a conversation (which I monopolize) about how I am a way better choice for his mom than his so-called "dad". I listen to some jazz. I heat up some breast milk. I feel guilty about thinking it's gross and swear if I have the chance to continue to take care of Thomas that I won't think it's gross ever again. I even get a little nostalgic about changing diapers. Thomas falls asleep and I'm just starting to consider doing something creepy like smelling Bella's clothes when she comes in.

She gives me a small, apologetic smile and sits down on the couch. I pretend that I'm really busy with my iPhone. Really, I'm just playing Angry Birds and being passive-aggressive.

After a few minutes she speaks softly: "Edward? Do you want to hear what we decided? Or do you want to wait until we sign the papers? Rose said they'll be ready tomorrow." I don't answer for a second.

"Well, what did you two decide?" I finally ask. I mean, I don't want to be rude.

"Well, I got Tyler to agree to visits twice a year, which was really two visits more than he was interested in." I turn to her, surprised. She's rolling her eyes.

"I figured I could bring Thomas down or we could have Tyler drag his lazy ass up to Seattle if you wanted to be there, too. Arizona's not exactly an ideal vacation spot for you."

"What are you talking about?" I ask. She looks at me with a slight frown.

"I guess, if you don't want to be there…I guess I just assumed that you would want to be…" She suddenly looks very unsure. "Edward, if you've changed your mind…"

"No, you changed your mind. You said you made a mistake." I put my phone down and walk over to where she's sitting on the couch.

"I changed my mind?" She shakes her head. "Edward, I think that I wasn't clear. I think that Thomas deserves to know his biological father, even if he has you helping me take care of him. I had them put visitation in the agreement." She shakes her head again. "Tyler wasn't enthusiastic about it but he just found out he's a dad yesterday, so I guess I shouldn't judge too harshly."

I sat down on the couch next to her. "What else did you change?" I'm trying to stay nonchalant but I am beginning to realize that Bella wouldn't need a visitation agreement if she was going to stay here with him.

She snorts. "Well, I took out the part where he gets that ridiculous amount of money." She shakes her head at me in disgust. "I'm really sorry about all the extra work. I really should have been more mature about the whole thing."

"So, you're not thinking of trying to make things work with him?" She freezes for a second and then a look of horror spreads across her face.

"You thought that I wanted to be with him instead of you? Really?" She stares at me with disbelief. I nod.

"Where did you get that idea?" She is genuinely curious and I really have to come up with a better answer than, "Because I'm insecure and apparently really bad at understanding people whose minds I can't read."

"Well, you were crying and apologizing to me and I, um, I just don't really know." Bella is looking at me with what looks like pity and utter disbelief at my stupidity. She scoots closer to me and strokes the hair on the back of my head.

"I don't want to sound shallow, but you really thought I'd chose some, I'm sorry, but some really ordinary guy like Tyler over you? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror recently? And not only are you, well, pretty, but you have this amazing family. You're smart and funny and you love me more than anyone else ever will. I mean, you waited ninety frickin' years for me. That's romantic as fuck." She's snuggled up to me on the couch and is now stroking my chest, too. I'm thinking that I might arrange to have attacks of debilitating insecurity a lot more from now on. The consequences certainly seem worth the hour or so of heartache.

"Do you know why I went out with Tyler in the first place?" she asks me. I shake my head. "Before my mom met Phil, I was always kind of the parent. I made sure dinner was ready, made sure she knew where her keys were, stuff like that. Then she met Phil and I felt like she had someone else taking care of her. I felt like I could finally be a teenager, before it was too late. I went to a dance for the first time. I went to a couple parties. Tyler was the first guy to ask me out, so I went out with him. Honestly, it could have been anyone."

"Edward, " she looks into my eyes earnestly. "Honestly, the only thing he's got on you is a pulse. And really, your deadness is not a big deal-breaker for me. You have other…selling points." She smiles at me. I reach out and stroke her cheek.

"What time did you put Thomas down?" she says to me, her voice quieter.

"About twenty minutes ago," I answer, confused by her question. She smiles at me

"I think I got interrupted last night," she purrs to me as she climbs into my lap. She wraps her arms around my shoulders and places a kiss on the corner of my mouth. I pull her closer and kiss her, thinking I'm going to have to let my horrific lack of confidence hang out more often.

My phone buzzes and she pulls back slightly. "Ignore it," I say into her neck, pulling her back to me. Then my phone rings, and I grip her a little tighter so she won't pull away as I bury my face in the hair behind her ear.

"What if it's an emergency?" she murmurs breathily.

"If the fucking hotel burns down I'll carry you guys out, OK?" I move her hair aside to put my lips on her neck again. If this isn't an emergency, I don't know what is.

Then her phone rings. She pulls away with a groan and climbs out of my lap to find her phone.

"If that's not like the Pope or something, I'm going to kill them," I say, burying my hands in my hair in frustration.

"Neither of us are Catholic," she says, frowning as she picks up her phone.

'Then he shouldn't be calling us either." She laughs and answers the phone.

"Hello?...Yeah, Alice, he's right here." She hands me the phone.

"Alice, this better be you telling me that the Apocalypse is nigh because you just interrupted…"

Alice cuts me off. "I know what I interrupted. Trust me, we all want you to get some action just as much as you do. But your future mother-in-law is making a surprise visit in seven minutes and you don't really want to be caught in that…condition."

I look down. Oh, that condition. "I don't care."

"Yeah, you do. Seriously, you need to convince Renee that you are not the kind of guy who just wants to dry-hump her daughter. Even if you are."

"You know that's not what's going…well, it's not all that going on here." I take a deep breath. "Fine. Thank you, Alice."

"You're welcome, Edward. By the way, did you see that Angela Lansbury has two new movies out this year?"

"Thanks, Alice. Really."

I hang up the phone and think about her role in "Nannie McPhee" until I'm presentable for the in-laws. The things we do for love, huh?

a/n: Betham, beta'ed this, because she's a freakin' saint. Additionally, this update was brought to you by Bettigefecht, who was sweet enough to rec this nonsense in her story, "Little Green and Easybella" as well as kicking me off Twitter last night so I'd finish writing, Donovan, who I found myself listening to while writing this, because I'm a freak, and the letter "E", just because it's so versatile. Thanks! JuJu

Just to make up for not replying to any reviews (50% fail, 50% pure laziness) I have an Emmett haiku for you:

the growling brown bear

hungry from hibernation

good to eat, yum yum