The Dmgirl: I said I would publish once a week after I unstuck myself on chapter 20, and I will. Only problem is, I had to go to the clinic today (nothing big, don't worry), so I was delayed in my submission. I'm sorry?
Disclaimer: I don't own Sonic and company. Sega does.
Dim Lights
Chapter XXI: Dim Lights
Laughter.
It was a constant, something he knew would always be present. No matter how much he'd try, it would return night after night, making sure he wouldn't forget. As if he could. As he if he could forget the empty gaze that stared at him every time he was strapped to one of those multiple tables. As if he could forget the sound of his own screams piercing his eardrums, yet never loud enough to drown that bone-chilling chuckle that would freeze him to the core. As if he could forget the pain his entire being had felt, and still did.
Yet, tonight, it feels different. It's not dangerous, not threatening. It's warm. It hugs him like a tight embrace he can't free himself of. It's just as unyielding, but has a soothing quality to it that he can't deny. It's attached to another set of eyes. Same color, of course, but welcoming this time, appreciative. A reminder of a better time.
Pain. He can feel it. It seeps its way through him as he slowly associates the laughter to the one it belongs. That person wouldn't be happy if it saw him now. It would probably look at him sadly, wondering out loud why he left. It would probably chide him for being selfish, and running off when it had been willing to help.
Shadow squirmed. It wasn't like he wanted to. He had had no desire to leave the ones who cared for him behind. If he had been selfish, he would have stayed. He wouldn't have minded to see their lives end. If he truly had been selfish, there would have been no one left around him.
But he hadn't. He had gone against his own selfish desires to make sure that everyone survived. Because he couldn't imagine for a moment what would the world look like if any of these people left it. He didn't even want to try. He had done this for them. And yet...
He had no desire in being alone. Not anymore. He knew what the world felt like, what it could give him. And he didn't want to face that lonely path anymore. People cared for him, as much as he cared for them. He wanted to share their happiness, their sadness. He wanted to be surrounded with this laughter he was hearing. He wanted to be selfish, dammit!
Crimson eyes snapped open before forcing themselves shut. Too bright. Too bright! A wave of nausea overcame him, and he did nothing to resist the gentle push to his side as he retched, unable to hold still. It wasn't warm anymore. It was hot. His whole body felt like it was on fire, and struggled against the hands holding him in position. Vague sounds reached him, but he couldn't make sense of it. His five senses weren't agreeing with him, and his air pipe felt squeezed. He had to breathe. He had to breathe!
Something cool was gently on his forehead as he finally manage to take a breath. His left hand twitched. A needle? He could feel it under his skin, along with a tube partially taped onto his hand. It was pumping something into him, but it wasn't harmful. Food, maybe? He didn't feel hungry anymore, so it was a possibility. He squirmed a bit. A blanket. Strange. Mephiles never gave him one, even if the nights got chilly, sometimes. Where was he?
"Was it like this the first time?"
His ears flicked. A voice. And it wasn't unfamiliar. It reminded him of something painful, but not quite as bad as he knew it could get. More emotional than physical. Maybe he should try opening his eyes again.
"Not that I can remember. There were bruises and cuts, but nothing this bad."
His heart gave a painful thump as the memories came rushing back. Sonic. The teenager had found him after nearly a week of torture, had tried to free him to from Mephiles' grasp. It wasn't a dream.
"That madman must have drugged him. You're lucky you were able to find him so fast. A little more, and it might have been beyond my reach."
Amadeus Prower, the one who had taken care of Sonic's shoulder when he broke it. He was back. He was home.
His right hand twitched. Someone was holding it. Gently enough not to cause harm, but firm enough to convince himself that the grip was there, and it desperately wanted him alert.
"Thank Tails for that. If it hadn't been for him, I'm not even sure we would have found Shadow in the first place," Sonic chuckled lightly, though slightly strained. It felt like it wasn't the first time Mr. Prower and his caretaker were having this conversation, either.
"I'll close the light. Try to get some sleep, alright?"
No response met Amadeus' inquiry, and he felt the blaring lights disappear while the door opened and closed. Creaks of a lone chair filled his ears, along with a forlorn sigh as the hand softly squeezed his own for a second.
"Chaos, what a nightmare."
His heart throbbed. Could he? The heat he had felt earlier was all but gone, and the lights were off. He didn't risk another vomiting session and the teenager would probably be happy to know he was awake.
Slowly, he forced his eyes open and looked at his right hand. He couldn't see it clearly, but the gloved had holding his was obviously connected to peach, and, looking up, he finally saw his caretaker.
"Sonic," he whispered. His voice felt cracked, rasped, and his throat hurt. If he tried any higher, it might just bleed.
But it was still heard. The teenager nearly jumped a foot high before getting up, the gentle hold on his hand leaving as he was inspected thoroughly under wide green eyes.
"Shadow?"
He tried contain his smile at the disbelief, the excitement, the joy he heard.
"Sonic."
In vain. It still pierced through, if only a bit as he watched the stare melt into a fully fledged grin, knowing that if he hadn't been hurt, he would have been on the receiving end of one of the most violent hugs he had ever had.
"Shadow, thank Chaos, you're awake! Amadeus was starting to wonder if you ever would! I gotta go tell him."
"Wait!" he rasped just as the door opened, before bursting into a string of coughs. It hurt. And it bled. His right hand reached for his mouth as the blood came out, and his throat burned.
He was gently sat up as Sonic reached for a water bottle, and pressed it against his lips. He swallowed every ounce of the precious liquid, letting it soothe his aching throat, and gratefully breathing in with each pause.
"Will you ever be careful?" came the chide as he was laid back down, bottle put somewhere out of sight. "Last time you weren't, you nearly got..."
The smile on Sonic's face quickly vanished, and the hand that had let go a few minutes before found his again, squeezing gently.
"Just don't do it again, okay?" was whispered as Shadow watched blue ears flatten. He wouldn't. He wouldn't have to. Because the threat was gone.
"Can I see you?" he replied instead. "Not the ceiling light, but..."
A chuckle cut him off and a hand reached out for a small switch, flicking it on. His eyes were forced close, if only for a moment, as a lamp came on, the lighting much softer than the ones overhead. With no nausea to claim him, he slowly opened them and turned to look at his savior.
Only to freeze.
"… Sonic?"
Shadow knew it was his caretaker. No one, no matter how talented, could ever imitate the scratchy voice, or the royal blue pelt of Sonic. The teenager was unique, like a piece of art. Copies could exist, but they would be nowhere near what the original was like.
But he hadn't expected this. He hadn't expected to see that face lined with exhaustion. He hadn't expected to see purple bruises under those eyes, nor the strain it took to keep that smile.
"Hey Shadow."
And he hadn't expected so much tiredness put into one voice, either.
"How – How long was I out?" he barely managed as he watched the exhausted Sonic shift uncomfortably in the chair.
"Three days since you got here. Probably a week total.."
Shadow swallowed, feeling a lump in his throat. A week? It had taken him seven days to finally wake up after their escape?
"Your leg and arm just barely healed. Amadeus had to put them into casts temporarily 'cause we had no idea if they'd heal right, even with your powers. They were removed yesterday, and you were fully healed by then. You've been throwing up a lot, too. According to Amadeus, either Mephiles drugged you or poisoned you. Not sure which, though," Sonic explained, gaze elsewhere as he probably tried to remember everything that had happened.
"No one was sure if you'd wake up at some point, even though Amadeus was positive in the beginning. Everyone was starting to think you'd given up."
The grim face turned into a smile as the teenager looked at Shadow.
"But you didn't. You're here and you're alive. I always knew you were a fighter."
The lump returned full force. He couldn't even swallow it back down. They had been worried. Everyone had been worried. Who knew how many times he had been watched over by someone he'd met, cared for. Who knew how many had inquired about his health while he hadn't been at school.
"How – How long have you been here?" he forced out, fighting back tears. He couldn't cry.
"Honestly? I fell unconscious the moment Jules and Amadeus found us, and woke up in Tails' room a few days later. Luckily, Tails was right there next to me to tell me that I had actually managed to get you out of there, else I probably would have thought it was a dream," Sonic chuckled, keeping an eye on Shadow. "But as for how long I've been in this chair... Pretty much since I woke up."
That meant three days. For three whole days, Sonic had barely moved from the spot he was in, probably holding his hand as he was doing now.
"But that's over, right? You won't knock out again, will you?"
Shadow slowly shook his head. He wouldn't. It didn't feel like he would, anyway. The worst was passed. He was alive and recovering. He was back with Sonic and his friends. Mephiles... Mephiles was dead.
It was over.
"I really should warn Amadeus, you're up, though. He wanted me to tell him when you would."
The chair slid on the floor as Sonic stood up, hand letting go of Shadow's.
"Sonic, wait," he voiced as the teenager's hand grabbed the doorknob, turning slightly to look at him in surprise.
It was over. It truly was over.
Black ears folded back.
"D – Do you remember the promise I made you, before I healed your arm?"
Recognition flashed in green eyes, and he had his answer. Sonic had remembered. Even through this entire chain of events, Sonic had remembered the promise Shadow had made, that he had to uphold.
Because a promise was just that. It was a due that could break trust if unfulfilled. It was something you eventually had to complete, unless one end of it died. And none of that had happened. The one person who could have rendered the promise invalid was gone.
"I'm sure it can wait," laughed Sonic. "Come on, you need..."
"It can't," he cut, feeling his entire being tremble. He wanted, no, he needed to say this. He needed to lay the past down. He needed to share.
He watched as Sonic trudged back, sighing and shaking his head.
"You're impossible," said the teenager as he sat back down, smile still present. "Alright, I'm listening. Tell me everything."
Shadow opened his mouth, only to snap it shut seconds later. There was so much he had to say, so much that he wanted to share. But where could he start? Maybe stating the obvious would help.
"First, you were right. Mephiles is – was my father. I never accepted it because he never acted like one, but I do look very similar to him. The only thing I inherited from my mother, as far as I know, is the color of my eyes and streaks. I never got the chance to meet her, though, and I know she wasn't there at my birth either."
He flinched slightly at the frown on Sonic's face, feeling that gaze penetrate him. This was it. The start. No turning back.
"As you've probably noticed, I have a very extensive memory. I remember everything from the moment of my birth until this present moment, and probably will die with all these memories intact. And the only reason I'm able to do that is because Mephiles – he started experimenting on me early. Very early. I came out of a test tube instead of a mother's womb."
He gripped the sheets, looking everywhere but at his caretaker as the chair rattled. Surprise. Shock. There would be a lot more of that before he was done with his story.
"At birth, I had to undergo a series of test, each more painful than the other. Mephiles was forced to eventually gag me to prevent me from crying. He couldn't handle the screams. At the end of the first day, I was all but forgotten, hungry and hurt," he continued. He wished he was making it up. He wished this was nothing more than a sob story he was telling. But his own hungry screams haunted him, along with the silencing that followed soon after.
"I quickly learned to stay silent. The less I screamed, the less attention I got, and the better I felt. By the end of the first year, my relationship with Mephiles was as you know it. He'd experiment on me, and I fought him at any chance I could," he recalled, unable to help the smirk. The bite marks he'd left, the numerous patches of fur he had pulled out with his hands or teeth. Shameful as it was, he felt proud of the damage he'd caused.
"It lasted until the ninth year, when I finally dared to escape. One day, Mephiles left and I took off. I wanted out. I couldn't take a second more of the torture he was putting me through, and I was determined not to return," he told, the numerous buildings he had passed flashing in his mind's eye.
"I found myself in a park I knew nothing of, far from where I had been, and surrounded by people I couldn't talk to. I knew the basics, yes, having heard Mephiles have conversations with people I never saw, but not enough to actually communicate with people and get what a I wanted. I was lost.
"So I did what I knew best. I hid. I found a small place near a tree, and decided to watch how people interacted. Unfortunately, there was one detail I had forgotten in my escape. Food. Midday was there and I was famished. Yet, all the food I was seeing demanded something people called money, or was shared between friends. And I had none of that. I didn't stand a chance in the world I was surrounded with.
"My childish side got the best of me, and I broke down. Not enough to alert everyone, of course, but it was enough to catch the attention of a lone person sitting on a near bench," he explained as he closed his eyes.
"It was girl with blond hair and blue eyes. Her voice was gentle, soft, a far cry from what I had been used to. However, I didn't answer to her questions at first, too startled to even think properly. It was only when she held out a piece of bread that I finally reacted. Too hungry to think about my protection, I stole it from her hands and ate. My surroundings didn't matter to me anymore. I was finally satisfying my hunger.
"But that was until I heard her laughter. I paused mid-bite to turn to her as she quietly rummaged through a plastic bag and held out a sandwich, kindly telling me to have it. Bread still in my mouth, I reached out for it, cautiously taking it from her grasp before sitting back against the tree. I did quick work of what was left of the bread, and was about to sink my teeth into the sandwich when she asked me my name," he continued, unable to help the smile as the memories danced in his mind. He had hesitated back then, unsure of what she would want of him. But she was so far from what he had known that...
"It took every little piece of knowledge I had, but I discovered her name was Maria Robotnik. She was sixteen years old, and the kindest person I had ever met. She coaxed me out of my hiding place faster than I realized, and soon enough, I was sitting on her lap, trying to keep up with everything she was telling me, teaching me. I cannot count the number of times she praised me for managing to speak a word right, or read a sentence. She was calm, patient, and happy. So different from what I'd known," he told as he opened his eyes.
"There was one problem that I had failed to realize, though, and it only hit me when she told me she had to go home. I couldn't stay there. Even though I had lost myself on the way there, that didn't mean Mephiles couldn't find me. He was older, probably knew the city better than I did. And if his treatments were anything to go by, he would do anything to find me."
He swallowed as his mind showed Maria leaving, a smile upon her face and a wave in his direction. Had she known? Had she guessed that he would seal their fate with the decision he had been about to take?
"I went back into hiding, watching as the people went by. I had a choice to make. A difficult one. I could either keep running, keep reaching for the freedom I wanted so badly, or stay, go back and see Maria again," he said, staring at his hands.
"The sun was about to set when I finally took off. I decided to let my feet take me wherever they wanted to go, and that I would make the best of it. I'd make sure that whatever decision I took, I would live up to it."
He bit his lip.
"And found myself back at Mephiles' house."
He turned to Sonic, desperation in his eyes.
"I couldn't get myself to run off. I wanted to know more. I wanted to know everything about the world that surrounded me, about Maria. I wanted to be at her side, share her happiness as she showed me new things. I didn't want to lose what I had seen.
"We kept on meeting. I met with her the next day on the same bench, and we got along. Became friends. Her smile was what kept me from running away, from seeking the freedom that had pushed me to leave the place I kept returning to. Some part of me began to think that learning about the world was worth the pain I was receiving."
His eyes clenched closed, seeing himself on Maria's lap once again as he asked one of the many questions that always seemed to flood his young mind. He had been happy then, joyful even. He had learned so many things. About the world.
And about himself.
"About a year later, I discovered something that wouldn't change our relationship, per say, but would confirm that she was the nicest person I had ever met.
"I found out that I had powers. That I could heal someone without leaving any scars. And I used it anytime Maria would wound herself. May it be a bruise or a cut, I would make no exceptions. After all, she had taught me how to speak, how to read, and how to write. Who was I to refuse taking care of her if she took care of me?" he asked with a small smile as he stared at his hands. Every time she had refused, and every time, he had managed to bypass her rebuttal and make sure that those wounds would disappear. He didn't want her scarred, even less hurt. He had cared for her, like a younger brother would.
"But it didn't last," he whispered, feeling the snarl ready to burst through. No, it hadn't. Happiness always came to an end, and that time was no different.
"As time went by, I began to be careless. I didn't notice the small signs I was leaving behind, nor the fact that I was gaining weight and muscle due to Maria's constant want to feed me, and the exercise I was doing by running back and forth. I didn't notice the fact that, even though I reacted the same while I was in Mephiles' house, my physical changes were enough. The look in my eyes had changed, and someone was bound to see."
Shadow dared a glimpse at the shocked Sonic before he took a breath. No turning back. He had to keep going.
"The day started out like any other. Mephiles left and I took off after him. I rushed to our usual meeting place, eager to see her. I wanted to see her smiling face again. Hear her talk to me with that gentle voice. But all I found..."
He closed his eyes, feeling the burning tears etch their way along his face and his voice emptied of all emotion.
"… was a corpse."
He barely heard the chair move, his mind sending him six years back. Sonic hadn't existed then, and there had been no comfort at the discovery of the mangled body. There had been nothing but ice.
"It felt as if I had frozen in place. I couldn't understand. How? Why? Who? I tried to reach out for her, but my body wouldn't answer. I could only stare as I felt a hand land of my shoulder and someone whisper in my ear,
"Look at what you've done.""
He tried to calm himself down, to breathe as he say Mephiles' face flash before his eyes.
"I went mad. The part of me that wanted to be happy was submerged with guilt, and anger. I rushed to Maria to hold her for the last time, and despair overwhelmed me. My hatred for Mephiles blew out of proportion... and I discovered that the powers I wielded so proudly were a double-edged sword. As much as it could heal, it could also destroy."
Shadow swallowed.
"I was devastated, and Mephiles was ecstatic. I was truly everything he had ever wanted, and he was willing to make use of it. The experiments doubled, both in numbers and in pain, and I felt like there was no way out. I was trapped in a never-ending nightmare where life meant to suffer and death meant release.
"I didn't dare to go back out. Maria was already one too much on a list that I had never wanted to exist. I promised myself not to put another life at risk, certainly if it was for me.
"But after six years, the pressure became too much once again. I couldn't handle the torture anymore, certainly when I knew that there was a better world out there, one where people actually cared for each other.
"I gathered all the strength I could, and used my power along with Maria's knowledge to get myself out. In the blink of an eye, I found myself in an empty street. I had done it. I had transported myself far away from that hell hole and was free. Along with too weak to move. The thought of dying passed through my mind, and, although some part of me thought it was better this way, I panicked. I didn't want my life to end the way it had begun. I didn't want to be alone."
He slowly turned his face to Sonic, unable to help the sad smile.
"And then, I heard whistling."
Shadow watched as Sonic's features slowly softened to a smile before laying a hand on his shoulder. The same one Mephiles had touched all those years ago, the same one that had caused him to go mad. But he couldn't finish there. There was still one more thing to say.
"I only wanted to protect you. All of you. If I would have let any of you get too close..."
"I know."
He closed his mouth as Sonic got up, comforting smile still present, if a bit shaken.
"I know," he repeated. "And I don't blame you. You did what you thought was right. And anyone who'd hold that against you would be the stupidest idiot I've ever met."
The teenager chuckled before quickly sobering up.
"I wish you could have told me sooner, though. Not sure it would have helped any, but... I would have known why you were acting so distant."
Shadow's hands clenched as his stomach twisted. He did. Sonic did understand. And didn't hold it against him.
"Now, you've got to get some rest. Being unconscious might have helped, but I'm sure you're still tired. Besides, I got to tell Amadeus that you woke up," was said softly as gloved hands tapped slightly against the bed.
"You should too," he replied, earning a laugh.
"Yeah, I will. I must look horrible right now," Sonic answered with a grimace, making him chuckle quietly as the teenager made his way to the door, only turning once it was open. "Get some sleep, okay?"
"I will," he responded with a nod.
Black ears twitched as the door closed with a soft click, eyes turning to the still lit lamp. It was the same one Sonic had offered him with the alarm clock, the same one that had caused the teenager to bang himself against the vanity. He snorted as a smile crept on his lips, unable to help it.
He reached for the bulb, letting it warm his fingertips. Light. It had been dim for seventeen years, only coming in the form of pain as the darkness slowly hugged him tighter and tighter. It had been white hot, and had scalded him many times from the inside out.
It had eventually taken another form, even dimmer than the previous, and so out of reach, he wasn't sure he could make it. But it had given him hope. Hope that, one day, he could be where everyone stood, and not be afraid of what people would think, would say.
He closed his eyes. That second light was much closer now, eclipsing the other and giving him the chance to be whoever he wanted to be, although he didn't know what to do with that just yet. The dim light that he had seen before falling unconscious in Sonic's arms the day he had healed the teenager's shouder stood brightly before him, now, and he could touch it.
"Thank you, Sonic," Shadow breathed as the arms of sleep slowly wrapped themselves around him. "For believing in me."