This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: Since there is a lot of confusion on this topic, we shall visit the Sephiroth clones issue. In the game, Sephiroth is dead. His body is encased in a Mako crystal at the bottom of the Northern Crater. In the game, the person you are fighting is clone number one, marked with the tattoo on his wrist. He was the only truly successful clone of Sephiroth. In the game, clone number one is possessed by Sephiroth's dead spirit. This is why, in the game, you see two distinct Sephiroth's: The clone, possessed by his 'brother' and Sephiroth's spirit, which flies around and actually flies through Cloud at one point.

            I'm sure I'm going to get arguments on this and that's mostly because the American version of the game is HORRIBLY translated. So everyone pull out your FF VII, dust it off and put it in the nearest compatible game console. When you see Sephiroth in the crystal, look at his hands, wrists, and arms. No tattoo. Still not convinced? Oh well, I tried.  Thanks for hearing me out.

2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead.

3rd Note: Giles really sucks in this one.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson. Apologies to Lovecraft. And Dungeons and Dragons belongs to E. Gary Gygax. begin rant I don't care what his b---h wife, TSR, or who ever the hell owns it now has to say about it. D&D is Gary's!!!!! end rant

Warning: Bad Disney joke to start. Bad Monty Python joke later.  Really, REALLY bad sexual joke after that.  You have been warned.

Episode 21: Evangelist!

            Sephiroth opened the box and looked inside. Sighing happily, he closed it and stuffed it under his desk.

           "She's in there... isn't she?" Zack asked, watching The General as if he were a madman.

           Sephiroth's lips curled into the Evil Smile (tm). "Just one part of her, preserved in formaldehyde."

           "You're a sick man. So... What color is it?"

           "Surprisingly green. Apparently, it came out that way."

           Zack opened his mouth, thought better of it, and leaned back in the chair. "You're really sick."

           "So you've said, Zack. You're starting to sound like a broken record."

           "Speaking of broken records, Giles is coming to the door."

            "Damn," Sephiroth muttered and turned. "Another message, Giles?"

           Giles fidgeted. "Uh, yes, Sir, but not from Shinra."

           "From who then?"

           Giles took a deep breath and firmly planted his feet. "It is a message from God!"

           Sephiroth blinked, confused. "I don't remember messaging myself..."

           "I worry for your immortal soul, Sir! So I have come to save you!"

           Zack fell backwards out of his chair, going into hysterics.

           Sephiroth, uniquely amused, pushed the Private to continue. "And which God would this happen to be, Giles?"

           "Pholtus! God of the Sun, Law, and Order!"

           Zack started howling.

           "Pholtus is the only true God! Follow him and victory for Shinra will be assured!"

           Sephiroth looked around. "Is this copyright infringement?"

           "Come, Great General, kneel and pray with me! We shall convert this entire camp to the glory of Pholtus!"

           "Oh! Seph! My side hurts!" Zack cried, laughing through tears.

           Sephiroth watched in horror as Giles knelt and began to pray aloud to his deity.

           "Oh Pholtus, please bring General Sephiroth to see that your way is the One True Way. Help him to become a priest! Like me!"

           "That's it." Sephiroth picked Giles up and tossed him out of the tent.

           "This is religious discrimination!" Giles yelled.

           "I'm not discriminating against your religion, Giles. I'm discriminating against your stupidity, and as your commanding officer, I can do that anytime I please. Go evangelize someone else." Sephiroth fell into his chair and grumbled, "If the Jehovah's Witnesses weren't enough..."

In the Camp

            Cloud looked at the slop on his plate. He looked up at Giles. "No way man." He dumped the slop onto the counter and dropped the tray on the floor. "Pizza night!"

           A sudden rush of soldiers crowded around Cloud with money. A neat shing was heard and all froze. They turned slowly to see Tonberry in the doorway, knife held high. He lowered the knife, and when his hand came back up, he held a fist full of Gil. The men cheered.

           Cloud took the money and went over to The General's tent. "We're ordering pizza, Sir. Tonberry is paying for you and General Zack."

           "Ordering from Nibelheim OIP again?" Zack asked.

           "Yes."

           "Boo-Yah!"

           Sephiroth looked at the two. "What's this all about?"

           "The Nibelheim OIP delivery girl is STACKED!" Zack said, using hand movements to explain the largeness of the delivery girl's chest area.

           Sephiroth looked at Cloud.

           "Huge tracks of land, Sir."

           Sephiroth smacked himself in the head. "That's it. We're switching from 'The Holy Grail' to 'The Life of Brian.'" Both men groaned. "Out! And tell Tonberry I said 'thanks.'"

Delivered Hot, Fresh, and When You Want It!

(No, not the delivery girl! Bad Audience! No Biscuit!)

            Tifa Lockheart jumped off the chocobo and every straight man in the camp sighed in contentment. "Nibelheim Pizza!" She struck a pose, assured that the tip from this trip alone would pay off her latest chocobo racing debt. Flashing a bright smile, she opened the door to the covered pizza cart and began passing out the pies.

           Giles jumped in front of her and, suddenly unbalanced, Tifa hit the ground. All the men, excluding Giles, sighed in despair that nothing 'popped out.'

           Giles waved his arms at the crowd. "My fellow soldiers! You must not partake of this hussy's evil pie!"

           "YES WE WILL!"

           Tifa, suitably pissed off, kipped up. Thirty seconds later and Giles was a pile of martial arts goo lying in the grass. Stepping firmly on his groin, Tifa handed out the next pizza.

           "Hey, Tifa."

           Tifa handed Cloud a pizza. "Hey, Cloud. How's the army?"

           "Not bad. Not enough chocobos though."

           Tifa looked around for a minute before leaning in close. "Any good black ones?"

           "Depends on how much money we're talking about."

           Tifa licked her lips. "I really don't care what color it is so long as it's fast."

           "How about I give you a tip then instead. A Turk named Reno bought himself a sweet ride a little while back. Properly trained, it'll bring in a lot of money. The ride has no marks on it. An easy steal."

           "I've got twenty thousand on hand."

           Cloud shook his head.

           "I have Exit Materia and Shield Materia."

           "That'll do."

           "QUIT HOLDING UP THE LINE!"

           Tifa flipped off her bracelet and handed it to Cloud. He bowed with a polite smile and wandered off, being sure to step on Giles.

A Bit Later...

            Giles stepped up on the soap box, wearing the robes of a priest of Pholtus, a small group of soldiers around him. "My fellow soldiers. We now live in a time of lawlessness and chaos. We must reject those things if we are to live happy, lawful lives. Cast off the mantle of pain. All you need is faith in Pholtus."

           "All you need is a swift kick in the pants," Sephiroth said. The crowd scattered. "Why couldn't you have picked a less offensive God to worship? Someone like, I'd know... Heironeous?"

           "Not lawful enough."

           Sephiroth glared. "Say that again."

           "Not lawful enough, Sir!"

           "Very good." Sephiroth sighed. "You do realize, Giles, that Pholtus hates Nibelheim?"

           "No, Sir!"

           "Yes. And Pholtus actively seeks to destroy your mother."

           "But why, Sir?!" the Private moaned in anguish.

           "Because your mother is a source of chaos."

           "How, Sir?!" said with a great gnashing of teeth.

           "She gave birth to you."

            "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Giles ran off into the distance.

           Sephiroth sighed. "If only he were that motivated in battle."

           Zack stepped up next to Sephiroth. "If only he were that motivated in the kitchen."

           "That's the problem, Zack. He is that motivated in the kitchen."

A Pizza Feast Later...

            Zack looked out of the tent. "Giles is back and he seems to have left the Pholtus stuff behind."

           "I still say its copyright infringement."

           "Nope. Fair Use Act."

           "Ah."

           The generals fell into a comfortable silence and someone tapped against the tent flap.

            Sephiroth looked up. "Come in."

           Kakashi stepped in wearing a large green robe with an octopus hanging around his neck. "Ai! Ai! Cthulu Fhtagn!"