Happy Thanksgiving my dear readers!
Sugar and Spice but Nothing Nice
Day 4 in the Arena
"Besides, even if you didn't do it, I'm going to punish you, because I'm big and you're small, and I'm right and you're wrong.
And there's nothing you can do about it."
-Miss Trunchbull, Matilda
You know those days when you wake up after a particularly important event is over, like the day after Christmas? Everything feels like a letdown and there is a sense of emptiness now that all of the excitement and anticipation is over. You can only see what gifts you got and move on. I imagine it is the same, only in a much worse way, after a huge battle in war. The only thing left is the overwhelming feeling of hollowness and need to pick up whatever pieces are left and start rebuilding.
That is what I feel like when I wake up.
We are all still recuperating from our first real dangerous encounter in the arena. Well our first real injuries at least. I am covered in bruises and cuts and still aching all over. I can still feel a sharp pain in my jaw where my tooth used to be. I wish I had ice or something to put on it but you know it is kind of not an option here, since after all who wouldn't want to see a teenager in pain after getting beat up. I am relieved to find that I can stand and move normally, however every time I move quickly I can feel pain radiating from the area where Gem hit me with the hilt of the sword, sending shivers throughout my body. My clothes are all ripped, dirty and covered in blood. Our medical supplies are almost gone.
On top of that our food stash is empty now. Oh and so is our water supply. So yeah things are going just great.
I mean everything sounds simply smashing here in the lovely and virtuous arena of doom, doesn't it?
And yes I know I might seem ungrateful blah blah blah; we are all still alive and together after all. I am glad for that of course, we could all easily be dead right now. Let's just say I am not in a very forgiving or generous mood at the moment. I am furious at the government and gamemakers-I trust by now that is self explanatory? I am pissed at all the people watching who got a kick out of me getting beaten and kicked to a pulp and almost stabbed and sliced into pieces. Every last person that thinks seeing a 12 year kid getting held hostage with a knife held to the throat is actually fucking entertaining. I know I should just let it go-accept these things happen-but I just can't. Because these things don't just happen, we allow it to happen-no encourage it to happen. Does no one see how wrong it is for the government to murder our children for entertainment, the people that should in theory be keeping the country safe? Yeah what a joke this country is. Ugh. Are all countries like this? Is there anywhere that doesn't do these awful things, where children can just grow up in peace without fear of being thrown in an arena of hell to die and murder other innocent kids? Where people aren't so cowardly and selfish and bloodthirsty? I would like to think so but it is hard to believe such a place exists.
Oh what does it matter? If there was even a place like that no doubt someone would come and ruin it before long because humans in general are greedy, ruthless, power hungry and only care about themselves. Like how so called North America, which was apparently free and just, turned into this harsh and oppressive country. How could they let this happen if it was such a good place? Surely someone would have stood up and said this is wrong! Did nobody listen, everyone too busy in their haste and ambition to realize what they were doing? Or were the people too far gone already to think it was right? Yes I realize I am being cynical regarding governments and people in general, how can I not be when I am about to be murdered, or at least watch as 23 other kids are murdered around me, by my own government? Seriously whose idea was this in the first place? Which person had the bright idea pop into their mind of forcing children into an arena to fight to the death on live TV? Boy I would love to have 5 minutes alone with them to kick their ass to kingdom come. Who knows I might just break my no murdering mantra. I just wish we had no hunger games and could live in peace away from the capitals iron grip.
This makes me recall an old song that the fishermen would sing while out at sea:
Come all you bold seamen, wherever you're bound,
And always let Nelson's proud memory go round;
And pray that the wars, and the tumults might cease,
For the greatest of gifts is a sweet, lasting, peace.
May the Lord put an end to these cruel old wars,
And bring peace and contentment to all our brave Tars!
It is technically a banned song and anyone who sings it could be immediately whipped or executed. Of course that doesn't happen though as peacekeepers don't know what goes on at sea, or at least not enough to care. I remember when I would go on trips with my dad when I was little I would join in as they sang it. You see it was popular in district 4 during the original rebellion, at least so I have heard, and was banned because it is considered "rebellious" and "treasonous" since after all, who are we to want peace?
Right you don't really care about that do you? Okay then...
As soon as we get up we make our way through the woods, looking for the river. Eventually we find it, glinting and sparkling like a precious jewel in the morning sun. We fill up on water and wash our dirty and bloody faces. Then we try to figure out how to get some food. I can see some fresh animal tracks so I know there are still some animals running around. I tell the others that I will hunt with my knife. They don't like this idea but I will not catch anything with a crowd so they go to set up some traps and we agree to meet near the big rock wall in a couple hours. I take off treading silently and after walking for 10 minutes slip into the brush of the forest. I come across a ravine and crouch behind a bush with my knife, waiting for a squirrel or rabbit to pass by. I am deadly silent as my eyes relentlessly scour over the fallen leaves. After 20 minutes of nothing I see a squirrel come into my range at last, absentmindedly scavenging through the leaves as I prepare to throw the knife. On three 1...2...
Then the squirrel becomes spooked and runs off. I am about to curse when I hear footsteps. It is the girls from 3 and 5.
"Aww it looks like no one set off the trap yet!" Tesla pouts, carefully looking at an area about 20 yards from where I am hiding. They don't see me yet.
"Yeah, that's too bad." mutters Ampere who looks depressed. She is probably still upset about her district partner dying yesterday. I, being just the luckiest girl in Panem, have to choose this exact moment to feel a sudden urge to sneeze and struggle mightily to not make a sound. It is unavoidable however so when I make a small muffled sound they jump and look in my direction. Taking no chances I sprint away, cursing with the shock waves of pain flowing down my body, in the opposite direction as their trap and hear them shouting and running after me but I lose them before long. I was so close to their trap! Another 20 yards and I would have been electrified to a crisp! I find myself alone before long and slow to a walk, completely pissed about not getting the squirrel. I spy some berries that I know are edible and collect some and keep walking.
All of a sudden a guy jumps out about 20 yards in front of me, staring right at me. It is the boy from 10, Zion and I wonder if he recognizes me as the one who stopped him from killing Rueben. We stare at each other for a moment and I know by the murderous glint in his eye he will not hesitate to kill me. Oh, this is just so exactly what I need right now. Can you believe my luck? Speaking of luck, he no longer has the sword since you know Rueben stole it. I have my hunting knife stuffed in the sleeve of my sweatshirt so it appears I am weaponless. He curiously looks weaponless too. You can bet that I regret us not killing him right about now. I swear to god if he kills me now when we should have killed him two days ago I am going to be doing some serious shit from my grave.
"Give me your backpack" he orders rudely. Oh how nice. Terror runs through my veins at the thought of fighting him as he is strong and muscular and more than twice my size, even bigger than Gem. I don't let it show knowing it is better to act like you're not afraid.
"No" I say clearly. After all it is my lifeline and I am not about to just hand it over. He takes a stop closer and gives me an evil smile, "you have two choices, give it or I pry it off your dead body."
Yeah well that is the only way you will get it jerk face. Not that I have any plans to let that happen. Knife or not I know he will overpower me in hand to hand combat and I am completely alone to fight him as my allies are far away by now. It will be up to me to survive the encounter and make sure my face doesn't appear in the sky tonight. I can't exactly run away this time, well I could but I doubt I would get away with him right on my tail. It was one thing to get away from the two girls who didn't know I was there. This is quite different.
"I'd like to see you try" I say cockily ready to fight, my hand gripping the knife tightly. He snarls and leaps at me, pushing me to the ground. He is on top of me and my arms are pinned down so I can't use my knife. His hands are now pressing tightly around my throat trying to strangle me and I make these horrible choking and gasping sounds. My throat feels like it is on fire and I am desperately thrashing and flailing trying to get free. Tears are starting to come to my eyes as I can't breathe. My vision is now clouded with black spots as I start to lose strength. No it can't end like this!
I kick him as hard as I can in the groin and hear a rather satisfying yelp of pain. The pressure around my neck is gone but it still painfully throbs. I try to wriggle free and can't but find with relief that I can get my knife out. I slash the first part of him I can reach which happens to be his shoulder. I stab him about 5 times before darting away and quickly climbing up the nearest tree, ignoring the screaming pain. I am 40 feet up and relax sitting against the tree trunk on a large thick branch. I quickly scan the area to make sure nothing is coming for me up here. I am still breathing heavily and my hands are covered with blood as is my knife. I know some sprayed across my face as well. I can hear Zion screaming down below and see him walking by with his mangled shoulder. I start to relax now and wipe off my hands and knife on my pants.
I feel safer than I have felt in the arena so far, even though I am alone. Being up high where I doubt any tributes can reach me I only have to worry about potential mutts. I decide to just stay here for a while to make sure the coast is clear. I hope he doesn't run into any of my allies. I take out my pack and leisurely eat some of my berries and take a few sips of water. I look around contently seeing the golden sun rays shooting like lasers through the emerald leaves. I feel a distinct sense of pride at surviving that encounter and not losing any supplies. Hopefully it will get me sponsors and make people realize that even though I am not an evil murderous bitch I am still not a pushover. Nothing to see here, just another near death experience I wriggled out of. How many more will I have before I can't?
After a few long and rather boring hours I climb down and move on and start to hunt again. I follow the same routine and hide in a bush by the river. After 10 minutes a large brown rabbit comes by. Sorry little guy, but it is not your lucky day. I aim my knife and it flies into its back. It slumps over and I run over and grab it. It is still barely alive so I slit its throat trying not to think about it.
Yeah just wait till I have to kill a person, see how well the not thinking about it works then.
I put the bloody rabbit in my pack, wipe off my knife again and start heading back to the wall as it will be dusk in a few hours.
Suddenly I hear a voice asking "Can I join your alliance?"
I look up to see a girl, the 12 year old from 10 named Calla. I remember in training this girl gave me a bad feeling, and I knew somehow it would be a mistake to trust her. Looking at her now I see a sinister glint in her eyes that makes me uneasy, despite that she looks like a small innocent little girl.
"Sorry, our alliance already is crowded" I tell her, which of course is not much of a lie at all.
"Please! I am just so scared and have no one and I feel so alone and the careers tried to kill me before!" she bursts out, fake tears forming in her eyes. I can see that she is lying through her teeth though.
"We don't have room for any more" I say firmly. I know this girl is dangerous so I am a little shocked when she just says "okay" and walks past me. I listen to her footsteps for a bit then continue walking forward. I only get a few steps away when I hear a whooshing sound and dart to the side as a knife comes flying past my right ear. If I hadn't moved it would be stuck in the back of my neck. I whip around and see the girl standing glaring at me, having obviously just tried to murder me when tricking me didn't work. Her face falls from a satisfied smirk into rage when she realizes I am not-whats the word?-oh yeah dead.
I narrow my eyes at her as she comes running holding a second knife and tries to stab me in the heart. Luckily instincts kick in and I easily grab her hand holding the knife and pin her against a tree. I yank the knife out of her hand and look for any other hidden weapons but there is nothing else. Adrenaline pulses through my body as I try and decide what to do. Should I kill her? I mean she is very dangerous and just tried to kill me but seriously she is 12! After my whole spiel yesterday about not murdering 12 year olds I can't just kill her without being a horrible hypocrite. I hold the knife up to her throat and snarl "Do you want to die?" I can hardly believe how nasty and lethal I sound when I say it. She immediately starts crying but I know she is trying to play me again, just how stupid does she think I am?
"Stop it you're not fooling anyone" I tell her harshly and she stops immediately and glares at me with hatred.
"You don't have the guts to kill a 12 year old, and if you do you would be the biggest hypocrite ever!" she taunts smirking. Fury bubbles through me at her words. What a snide and manipulative little bitch. On one hand I do feel an urge to just kill her and wipe that smirk off her face. but I know exactly what to do.
"I wouldn't count on that when you're throwing knives at my back" I growl at her and poke her a tiny bit with the knife. A couple beads of red appear sliding down her neck. She looks scared now, but still hostile like she knows she has been beaten.
"But your right I am not an awful career who would kill a 12 year old without blinking an eye" I snarl at her wanting to make sure she is scared enough to not mess with us, "This is your only chance, if you try and kill me or my allies again and I will kill you no matter if you are 12. I do not want to but if you insist on forcing the issue I will, it is up to you."
I press the blade against her neck one last time for good measure before roughly pushing her away. She stumbles a bit then turns to glare at me one last time. I stand glaring back and holding her knife and she has no choice but to flee. I just hope she doesn't come back and I am forced to carry out my threat because honestly even if she is murderous I don't want to kill a 12 year old. Zion almost killed me after we didn't kill him, Gem and Satin will be after us soon enough because we didn't kill them either and now a creepy 12 year old will be after us as well. God I really suck at these games huh? Maybe I need to start actually killing people. Oh well too late now.
I make my way back to my allies who immediately chastise me for being gone so long.
"Well at least I brought dinner!" I say grinning and holding out the rabbit.
The question is how to cook it with no matches and the prospect of making a fire in the main woods is idiotic. There are still a few hours of daylight left so we make our way into a different mountain valley. This one is further off than our old one and takes a good hour plus of walking along a mountainous uphill trail to reach. In fact the trail follows the river the whole way up and is obviously the highest section of the arena. I imagine it might have some tributes along it but we don't spot any. I guess our alliance of four is rather intimidating to the other tributes, except the careers of course. When we arrive we can see immediately that this valley holds more of a forest than the first one did. In fact it is more like a forest area. We have a good view of the main woods and the other valleys, and the river running down and snaking its way across the arena. We can even see the tiny gold cornucopia, but not if there are any people by it. We follow the river and begin to hear a gentle rushing sound which I immediately recognize as a waterfall.
We eventually come to the river bank where the waterfall is. it must be 30 feet high and 15 feet across maybe. Either way it is beautiful and luscious, sparkling in the afternoon light. Large leafy almost tropical trees fill the view. It is much warmer in this part of the arena as well. We make our way closer and I can see that there is a large space in the wall behind the water, like a small cave. We climb up a trail on the side on the falls to get a better look. It is impossible at this angle but I can see from the bottom it might be possible to climb up so we head back down. We quickly skin and cut the rabbit and make a fire, knowing the mist from the waterfall will mask the smoke. Once we cook it we push all remains of the fire into the river so it won't be obvious there are tributes around.
By this point the sky is a collection of brilliant purples, casting an eerie and beautiful light on everything. I look around admiring the dazzling view; how the clouds seem to glow as they fill the night sky like a dream, the way the light dances on the surface of the river like liquid silk and how the far off mountain peaks look stunningly sinister in the purple sky. We find a few slippery rocks in the pool at the bottom of the falls that we carefully step our way across until we are behind the falls. I almost fall a couple times. It is really loud and the spray hits our faces. We climb up a series of holes in the rocks until we reach the small cave. It is dark and damp and we can still feel the light spray hitting us. All of our boots and socks are soaking wet despite our best efforts so we take them off to dry out. The whole atmosphere is very surreal.
We set up camp. The small space is just enough to spread out 2 sleeping bags so we all sit down and eat the warm rabbit. I swear it is the best thing I have ever tasted. I doubt it is because I particularly love rabbit meat; more from almost being killed so many times the last two days and not having anything but berries and nuts to eat. The warm meat is like a godsend. As we are eating I tell them about my day and encounters, "If the girl from 10 shows up do not trust her at all."
It is pretty chilly in our little cave but we are all pretty warm from sitting around the fire and having a stomach full of rabbit.
We can just make it out through the wall of water that there were no deaths today so I know the game makers will be planning something for tomorrow.
We spend the rest of the night chatting about our home districts. It is very fascinating to hear about what 7 and 12 are like. I knew that 4 was one of the richest and best districts to live in but I never really knew much about the others. Melody tells us about her large family, especially her sisters and brother and how they used play jokes on each other including the time they tricked her into doing a whole month of chores for them. Zari is the mayor's daughter in 12 so she has had a privileged life and is not the usual 12 tribute. She tells us about the area called the seam, the poorest area in Panem and how much they struggle and often starve to death. It it horrible that the government would allow such appalling conditions. Then again I remind myself this is the government forcing 24 teens to fight to the death for their entertainment, so I shouldn't expect them to have any humanity. Because they don't. At all. Mostly I am thankful for having such a blessed life so far.
Cam tells us about his dad and brother, who are all he has. His brother is a couple years older and works at the docks now but is planning to be a fisherman after he is done with school this year. Which is just absolutely unheard of in our district, I know. I am as shocked as you are. You didn't actually believe that did you? That was just my amazing and hilarious sarcasm shining through. His father owns a company that makes the fishing boats. I tell them about my family, in particularly about Sky. Like this one time last month when the two of us were fishing-well I was fishing and she was bored-and she ate the worms we were using as bait to gross me out.
"I'll take first watch" I tell them, "after all I have just been sitting in a tree all day"
This watch goes like all the others, but I feel much more paranoid due to my encounters today. Escaping near death experiences is becoming just a normal routine in my life. It is interesting how the arena puts you in a different mindset where you think of everything as a threat that wants to kill you. I guess there is not much point of keeping watch when we can't really see anything but the sheet of water that shields us. Of course it is not good for all of us to be asleep at the same time so I just sit awake on the sleeping bag watching my allies sleep. They all seem so young and innocent, without a care in the world. Like teenagers who just fell asleep after a watching a late movie. If only life was that simple. The cuts and bruises that adorn their bodies are evidence it is not.
I don't even want to wake them to keep watch later, they look so peaceful, better to just let them have their peace and be blind to the horrors of the arena they can. Cam looks like a little boy with his mouth twitching and a serious frown on his face like he is having a troublesome dream. Melody is curled up and reminds me so much of what Sky will look like when she is older with her dark hair and tiny frame. Zari looks like a sleeping princess just waiting for a prince to wake her up and live happily ever after with her golden curls and pale pretty face. I debate just staying up for their watches but decide it is not a good idea as I am too tired to stay up all night. I know they are all such good people, who never in a million years should be here fighting for their lives in this hell. It makes me sick to think of them dying, that the only way I can live is if they are all dead. I hate this, I hate these awful thoughts so much. I certainly know why so many people say not to get attached to anyone in here but I can't help it. I don't want to become like that and be so cold and calculating about it. The way so many tributes might feel bad and guilty about the 12 year olds but still leave them to fend for themselves in the name of self preservation because they are too cowardly-or smart-take your pick. I really don't know which, maybe both?
I mean I almost got killed trying to save her from Gem yesterday-most people would have just run. I guess you might expect that I regret my decision to ally with her, to protect her? Well I don't, because I know in my heart it was the right thing to do. I just keep imagining if Sky was in the games I hope to god someone would try to protect her. I know it could get me killed and stop me from trying to end the games. The question is what is the trade off? Is it better to make sure I don't die or try to save her and my other allies at all costs? I don't think I could stand to see any of them be killed if I could have done something to stop it.
After a while I switch watches with Zari and I can't help but have second thoughts and wonder if I should have just killed the girl today. What if she ends up killing me or one of my allies later? Then it would be my fault. I roll around in the sleeping bag hoping-no praying-my compassion doesn't get me or my allies killed. It really sucks; feel guilty if you kill, feel guilty if you don't. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. There is no way to win. This sucks, the games suck, the country sucks. It all sucks. It has now been over 70 years of the capital stealing the districts children and no one has done a damn thing to stop it! When is it ever going to be enough? Any rational excuse for the games as punishment for the 70 years dead rebellion has long since been irrelevant. There is no way you can justify killing kids for something that their ancestors did-that they had absolutely nothing to do with-something that happened decades before they were born. And besides that, there is something wrong with any country that sacrifices innocent children in the first place because they can't solve their differences. The president and gamemakers are cruel and sadistic cold blooded monsters, the citizens in the capital are a bunch of stuck-up brainwashed, bloodthirsty idiots and the people in the districts are nothing more than powerless and cowardly compliant slaves that just sit back and accept this fate. Sometimes I really hate people.
And other times, I really hate the world.
Maybe it would be better if we all just killed ourselves off.
There was another verse to the song that was added during the rebellion; somehow everyone seems to know the words yet nobody dares sing it anymore:
In times of storms and great injustice, with no end in sight;
An' all your hopes and prayers are not enough.
For the greater good, do it you must and creep through the night,
And cut off the tyrant's head!