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Chapter 21

My heart is beating fast. My breath is stuck in the back of my throat. I want to scream, but I seem to have lost my voice. My legs are trembling. My skin feels ice cold, but on the inside I am burning up. The arm around my waist pulls me closer and tightens its grip on my body. I feel small inside those arms, not intimidating, just small. My left arm is wrapped around the man's neck, while my right hand feels his heart beat fast beneath it. I am stuck in a trance, but at the same time I am extremely aware of everything that is happening around me. A cold breeze makes me push myself closer to him and I wonder how much more his arm can tighten its hold on my frame before it will snap.

The man leans down and his breath hits my lips. They were slightly parted. My hand around his neck moved up and found its way into his hair. His free hand cupped my cheek. I pushed myself up, making me stand on the tip of my toes. Only an inch apart. I wanted to close that inch and my heart started skipping beats. I leaned in closer and…

I woke up from a sudden fall and my body making contact with the ground. My eyes needed a few minutes to adjust and my brain needed even longer to realize what had happened. Rob was sitting on his bed, looking at me with a smug expression: "Having pleasant dreams, are we?"

"More like heavenly nightmares," I reply and my voice sounds very strained as I say that. I was lying on the ground. I must have rolled out of my bed. My blanket was lying beneath me. I stand up and lay back down on my bed. Rob was the only one awake. He was reading something. I look at the clock. 4:50 am. Time for my kitchen shift. I wake Michael up and we get ready for our shift.

I cannot believe I dreamed about kissing…him. My brain has been more damaged by that concussion then I realizes at first. I hadn't told anyone about last night and I never will. This is a secret I am taking to my grave. After the incident yesterday, I came back here to relax and take a nap. Unfortunately the incident kept me tossing and turning in my bed and it made me very agitated. Charlotte, from the bar, had noticed it and asked me about it. I had a hard time lying to her. That it was nothing just exhausted from my work and the headaches. She let me leave an hour earlier than usual. Scott didn't mention it. I didn't get to feel guilty about it. In fact I was extremely pleased when Charlotte told me I could leave.

The main factor of my current problem had been at the bar. He stood outside most of the night, but he came to the counter a couple of times. Seven in total. I counted, I couldn't help it. I needed to know where he was, so that I could be somewhere else, preferable as far away as possible. One time I couldn't avoid him. He was talking to Scott, while waiting for the drinks he had ordered. I was doing my usual job, when Charlotte asked me to fill the fridge beneath the bar. I couldn't get around it. I didn't have an excuse why I couldn't do that at that exact moment, without raising suspicion with Charlotte. I carried the boxes to the fridges, without raising my eyes. I didn't want to see if Eric was still standing there. I suspected he was, because Scott was still talking to someone. I didn't want to look at him. I didn't want my eyes to meet his. I didn't know why, but I was afraid of what I mind there: shame, fear, confusion, mockery… Who know what he was thinking during the incident.

The day seemed to be very uneventful for me until Michael got a message from Sacha and Tabassum on our communication device. They wanted to talk to us and it was urgent. The messages didn't say more. I wondered if they had news about my parents. Maybe it was bad news if they wanted to meet with us quickly. Michael made arrangements with them. They answered us around noon:

Follow the blue brick road, so that the scarecrow can find his brain. It has a face and arms, but no legs or hands. There is few of you and more of them who took a risk.

It was a riddle. They could not put in concrete information, because you never know who might get this information. We were supposed to answer Sacha and Tabassum back in a riddle, using the words they used were referring to in their riddle. We went for a run after lunch. It would be a slow one considering my knee injury, but I had to start training it. Tomorrow the second stage of initiation will begin. I need to be ready.

We ran to the practice roof. It was abandoned. Michael stood at the door, making sure no one would hear us. I sat down and stretched: "Okay so the riddle has tree parts. The blue brick road, the face and arm thing and the reference to the Dauntless transfer initiates."

"How do you know they were refereeing to us?" Michael asked me and he sat down next to the door. I give him the water bottle I had taken with me. After sitting still for four days, I was bound to be out of shape considering I have been training my body every day since I made the transfer: "There is few of you and more of them who took a risk. The risk is refereeing to the transfer we made. The first bit of the sentence is referring to you and me and the second part is referring to the others. So that means two and eight, so I am guessing they want to meet us around 10:00pm. The answer to the second riddle is a clock. A clock has a face and arms, but no legs or hands."

"Impressive," Michael compliments me and I smile. It is still weird sometimes that I share this deep secret with him. If you had told me that this would happen a month ago, I would have never believed it. Michael and I were just too different at that time. He throws the bottle back at me: "What about the first part: "Follow the blue brick road, so the scarecrow can find his brain. What does that mean?"

I think it over. I don't understand the scarecrow part. Well I guess scarecrows don't have brains, but why would one want to look for a brain? Michael seems to know the answer to my question: "I think they are referring to an old story, called the Wizard of Oz. My dad used to tell it to me when I was younger."

I don't know the story, so Michael tells it to me: "It is about a girl, named Dorothy. She magically ends up in the Land of Oz She goes on this journey to find the Wizard of Oz to ask him for his help. She wants to go home and his magic can help her. On her way to the castle, she meets three friends: a lion without courage, a tin man without a heart and a scarecrow without a brain. They decide to join Dorothy and ask to Wizard to give them courage, a heart and a brain."

"But what does that have to do with us?" I ask. It is a nice story, but what is the meaning behind it in Sacha and Tabassum their message: "I think that they are referring to us as the scarecrows and they are our brain. They have information that we need. The blue brick road must be where they want to meet us."

"Blue? There are no blue brick roads in the Dauntless compound and they didn't mention anything that could lead us outside the compound," I think out load. Talking in riddles is not my thing. I like to receive the message loud and clear and in words I understand. I didn't read fiction books as a child and my parents never told me any stories like this Wizard of Oz story.

"Could it mean the chasm? That is the only blue thing in this compound and there is a small and might I add dangerous road that leads down next to it. I don't know to where though, but it doesn't look like a road that a lot of people would use," Michael says and it makes sense. They could be referring to the chasm. Now that he mentions it, I have seen the road they are talking about. It is small and the stones are wet from the water that splashes up. It must be a slippery road: "Maybe they want to meet there because it is a slightly dangerous road and I am suspecting that the road of Dorothy and her companions was dangerous as well."

"Yes, so we have to be at the chasm at 10 o'clock tonight," Michael states. I hope the next time Sacha and Tabassum send us a riddle, it won't be so farfetched: "What are we going to answer them? We have to use the words clock, scarecrow and refer to the chasm in code."

"The scarecrow will be on his way to the Wizard. He will use a clock as a guide," Michael suggests after a few minutes. It is simple and I understand the meaning of the message. We only need to add the chasm in it. The chasm is a river, water, boats: "And a ship to transfer him."

"Perfect, so the scarecrow will be on his way to the Wizard. He will use a clock as a guide and a ship to transfer him. I'll send them the message," Michael says and he pulls the device out of his pocket. We head back to the others after that. Michael heads goes with Lucas, Marc and Victor to practice some fight moves, while I stay with the girls and Rob in our room.

After my shift in the evening, Michael I meet up at the chasm. People are walking around, so we can't leave direct, but we have time. It's only 9:30pm and if we are early at the meeting spot, we can hide and wait for the others to arrive.

Most people are starting to head to the pit for some evening fun as Amber would call it. She talks to me every time when I work in the bar. She is good friends with Charlotte. She comes to entertain me for awhile so that I don't get too lonely. It is really nice of her, but after what happened last light, I do not want to be around her. I almost… No, I can't even say it. Because of the incident, I don't want to face her.

"What do you think? The coast seems clear," I say when the corridor was empty besides Michael and me. Michael gets up and walks around casually, eyeing the connecting hallways. He knots after a few seconds and I follow him down the path: "Hurry up! Someone might see us."

Michael was fast and he disappeared quickly in the shadows the rocks provided. I was about to follow him when a voice called my name: "Andy! I need to talk to you."

I freeze out of fear that it could be Eric, but I quickly realize that the voice doesn't sound anything like the man. I turn around and see Max. Why does he want to talk to me? Please don't let him have seen Michael: "Were you going somewhere?"

I think he hasn't seen Michael but he defiantly can tell that I was about to go down this road. I can't deny it: "I am curious to where this road leads. I need to know, so please tell me. My friends keep telling me to forget it, but my brain won't let it go."

Max takes my lie and smiles, but his smile doesn't seem real. It seems forced. What does he want to talk about with me? Max walks up to me and looks down the corridor Michael just disappeared into. I pray to whatever god is out there that my friend doesn't come back to see what is taking me so long. Max interrupts my prayers: "It leads to some old storage rooms. We don't use them anymore because it is difficult to transport our goods down this path. We have lost members of Dauntless because they were reckless and fell into the chasm."

"So there is no way out of it? This is the only way in and out?" I ask too quickly, but it doesn't raise suspicion within Max. He turns around: "No, so if you are thinking about leaving the compound again…"

"I assure you I have learned my lesson. I really hate getting up at 5:00 am in the morning and I hate doing the dishes. I just wanted to quite the Erudite side of my brain," I assured the man. I am still on probation so I have to make sure this man trusts me.

"Erudite side of your brain?" Max asks me while he starts walking towards the pit. I assume he wants me to follow him: "Eum yes sir, I have only been here for a few weeks, while I have lived in Erudite for sixteen year. You cannot expect me to change my way of thinking in a few days. It is a bit deeper rooted into my brain I am afraid."

"I can tell. You think like an Erudite. Have you ever wondered if you made the right decision?" Max asks me and I wonder if it is a trick question. Does he want me to tell him the truth or lie and say that I am completely comfortable in my new home? It sounded fake to my ears. I decide to tell the truth: "I think everyone wonders that at some point during their initiation, but Erudite couldn't offer me the knowledge that I seek."

"And what kind of knowledge is that?" Max asks me and seems pleased with my answer. We walk up the stairs next to the pit, towards Max his office. I see people fighting each other in the center of the pit. Four is one of them. He is fighting a dark skinned man I don't recognize. People were cheering them on. I see Scott and Charlotte walk towards the bar: "The knowledge to survive. Sir, I don't mean to be rude, but my shift at the bar starts in fifteen minutes. I don't have much time."

"You are not working tonight. I talked it over with Charlotte," Max informs me and I feel very heavy all of a sudden. It can't be good news. Working in the bar is a punishment and Max would never give me the night of if it wasn't for a serious reason. I feel very uneasy when I walk into Max his office: "Please sit down."

"I think I would rather stand sir," I say and he can tell that I know he is going to tell me something bad. My feelings are starting to clash with each other. I don't know what to feel: scared, angry, maybe it's not that serious. Max his eyes tell me different. He stands behind his desk and he is searching for the right words: "I have received a call from Jeanine Mathews earlier. She had some bad news. I came to find you afterwards, but it took me awhile to find you and…"

"Please just say what you have to say sir." Max understood my rudeness. He sighed and his shoulders are hanging low. I feel like I am going to throw up: "I am sorry to have to inform you, but some Erudite members found the bodies of your parents this morning. I am afraid they are dead."

The world seems to stop spinning when Max finished his sentence. My parents are dead? My parents…are…dead? Mom? Dad? They are gone? I will never see them again? A sudden guilt washes over me. Why hadn't I said goodbye to them after the choosing ceremony? That was the last time I could have seen them, but I was afraid of meeting their eyes. I didn't want to know if they approved my decision.

What an extremely selfish thought.

The heavy feeling inside my stomach comes up and I am capable of graphing the trashcan that was standing besides Max his desk. I throw up. My entire stomach empties itself and I feel my body start to panic. No! I cannot and will not break down in front of this man. I refuse to let him see me like this.

"The doctors think they died from burn wounds. They must have been inside the building when the fire…" Max explains, but I barely hear his words. I get back some control over my body and I stop throwing up. I whip my mouth and try to stand up. My legs are shaking and my injured knee is bleeding. My head hurts from the sudden outburst of my stomach and the information Max just told me.

My parents can't be dead. They are at home with Marie, making sure she is safe. Where is Marie now? Who is with her when they break the news to her? I try to block out the thoughts that are swirling thru my head and I look at Max. I need to get out of here.

"I informed Charlotte that you wouldn't work today, so that you can deal with this. I suggest you head back to your sleeping quarters," Max suggest and I am thankful for not having to work at the bar tonight. I wouldn't have been able to work anyway. I gather whatever self-control I have inside my body: "Thank you sire. Can I go now?"

"Yes of course," Max says and I take the trashcan with me: "I'll… eum…take this...," I stutter not knowing what I should do with the trashcan. Should I leave it here and let Max clean the mess? Maybe it would be safe to take it with me. I don't know how long I will be able to keep the rest of my stomach on the inside. Max understands and says it's okay. He walks to the door with me: "If there is anything I can do, just let me now. I am truly sorry for your lose."

"Is there…maybe…some other way away from your office? I rather not walk across the pit right now," I ask. Max nods and leads me down an unknown corridor. He doesn't say much and he doesn't lay his arm around my shoulder. I don't want anyone to touch me right now. I just want to be left alone. We stop at a staircase: "Follow these. They will lead you to your corridor."

I nod in understanding and take my leave. I walk faster than normal and stop in front of the door of my sleeping quarter. I could hear Marnies laugh on the other side. They were having fun. I didn't want to be a part of that. I turn around and walk towards the roof practice grounds. I don't run into anyone, so I don't receive any weird stares from people who see me hugging a trashcan. I probably also look like a complete mess at the moment.

I run up the stairs. I feel suffocated inside this compound at the moment and I break down on the roof of the building. I cry. I cry hard. My body is shaking and I end up throwing up again. I stop when there is nothing left inside my stomach. The muscles in my stomach are already sore from throwing up. I wrap my arms around my frame and feel guilt eat me up on the inside. I should have said goodbye. I should have looked for my parents after I found Marie during the fire. I should have never transferred to Dauntless. I should have stayed in Erudite and become like my parents. They would have been safe that way. Why do I have to be Divergent! Why can't it be someone else! Why does it have to be me? I don't want to be it! I want to go home and have my parents wait for my arrival. I want to see Marie and tell here everything will be alright. I want to believe that everything will be alright. A sudden huge responsibility falls upon my shoulders. I have to protect my sister, but how can I do that when I am stuck here in Dauntless? I need to get back to Erudite. I need to see Marie. I need to see that she is alright, that she is alive.

Wait a minute. Marie told me that mom and dad weren't inside our building that night of the fire. They had left and gone to head quarters after their fight with Jeanine. But Max told me the doctors think that they died from burned wounds. Mom and dad weren't inside the building when the fire started and they would never have rushed inside a burning building. The conclusions of the doctor's are wrong. They lied about my parents their death! Why would they do that? Unless they didn't die from a natural cause. They must have been…killed. Jeanine has been angry at me and my parents lately, but she always liked them. She wouldn't have… She couldn't have…could she?

I pass out on the roof from exhaustion.