Kyon wasn't afraid of Ryoko Asakura anymore. Oh, no.

A couple of months ago, she had managed to somehow piece herself back together again from the emptiness of cyberspace, and reentered the world of the living. Yuki and Emiri were quick to catch her, and after a bout of installing new programs into her, Ryoko was deemed fit to walk among society once again. Feeding Haruhi an excuse about Canada not being to her liking, Ryoko was welcomed back with open arms. She joined school the next day after going to bunk with Emiri. Kyon wasn't all too ready to welcome her just yet, due to his hatred of all things metallic and pointy. But through a series of events that would likely make an interesting twenty or so chapter fanfic that would likely earn over 100 reviews, Ryoko and Kyon became the best of friends. They had lunch together, exchanged AIM names, stood in line for concert tickets, flamed bad movies they saw on their shared blog, and made fun of a Stephanie Myer book signing.

So when Emiri came around to see him after a meeting, Kyon was understandably worried. When something involved Emiri, it was usually something serious with the IDTE. And with the circumstances involving Ryoko, he wouldn't put it past that she might be in some sort of trouble and reverting back to her old ways. Her old stabby ways.

"I thought it would be best if Nagato wasn't informed yet," Emiri said as they entered her apartment. Passing by the bathroom, Kyon saw a pile of wet towels bundled up in the corner of the tub.

"Ummmm..." Kyon hummed to himself.

"Asakura has been taking quite a lot of cold showers lately," Emiri answered without even turning her head.

"Ahhhh," Kyon replied with a hint of curiosity, stopping behind Emiri as she came to a stop in front of the blue door that led to Ryoko's room. "What kind of problem is Asakura having?"

Emiri turned to face the sarcastic monologuer and said, "A few weeks ago, Ryoko Asakura was given a few more upgrades to her coding by our superiors. Much of the upgrade consisted of programs that would enhance her ability to interact with humans and how to relate. Unfortunately, one of the programs contained a glitch."

"A glitch? What kind of glitch? And what was the program?"

"Supposedly, if there ever came a time when the IDTE came to understand humans, there would be a program that would allow us to increase our numbers. It would allow us to engage in human relationships and... procreate in times of troubling scenarios. As a result of the glitch, Asakura's instinct to mate and her hormone levels have... risen considerably at a rate we failed to predict."

"Really? Well, what problems can that cau- ...OHHHHHHHH. So THAT'S why she was walking funny and twitching a lot the few times I saw her."

Emiri nodded at Kyon's stunned face. "So you see why Asakura hasn't been at school for most of the time. Her primal urges are beginning to get the better of her. It's been quite difficult. Why just the other day, I walked in on Asakura attempting to fornicate with a pill-"

"Please stop, Miss Kimidori," Kyon piped up, holding off his hand to cut off the secretary mid-sentence. He really didn't need the image of Ryoko humping a pillow in his head right now. Understanding, Emiri turned back to the door and undid a lock, standing to the side as she waved in Kyon. He stepped forward over the threshold, narrowing his eyes to adjust to the looming shadows within.

Unlike the previous times he had seen Ryoko's place, the bedroom with an all-blue motif looked like a wreck. The floor was littered with balled-up tissues, several questionable items that could be found on seedy internet sites lay on the floor, and what looked like stacks of erotic magazines. In the darkness, Kyon watched as two familiar blue eyes opened from place on the far side of the large bed at the back. They twinkled like a pair of mischievous stars. A tiny giggle was heard.

"So what did you need me to do?" Kyon asked, turning around.

Emiri's reply was nonverbal, consisting of her smiling sadly, following by her slamming the door shut. It took Kyon's brain at least five seconds of staring dumbly at the slab of wood a bit to actually dart forward and try to frantically open it again. No use- locked.

There was a flurry of movement as the blankets shifted, and before he knew it, Kyon had something soft and covered in fabric pressing up against his back, as well as a chin being propped on top of his left shoulder. "You came to visit me, Kyon... That's soooooooo kind of you to do~..." purred a luscious voice as something wet snaked up and lapped his earlobe. "Ooooooh, you taste good~..."

"Asakura?" Kyon squeaked, a tremor of fear slithering up his spine. Kyon wasn't afraid of Ryoko Asakura anymore. Oh, no.

He was terrified now.

"Why me!" Kyon shrieked in self-pity.

"Oh, Kyon, Kyon... You and I have become such good friends! But our relationship is strictly platonic. What I want to do with you isn't any different from what members of the animal kingdom do. It's just instinct. We'll still be friends after this! Just more... intimate. That's why I specifically requested Kimidori to bring you to me," Ryoko chuckled darkly, feeling up Kyon's sides.

Even when she's nice, she's still insane! Kyon thought, gulping down a scream. Quickly spinning him around, Ryoko grinned in the darkness. It was too dark for Kyon to clearly see, but he could tell she was only dressed in a blanket. He knew full well what her intentions were and they scared him to the core. Wanting to prolong the inevitable for as long as he could, the boy backed away from the alien and tripped over a stack of books. Frantically trying shove them away, Kyon noticed the title of one and knew he had seen it from somewhere before. Along with several others beside it.

"Where...? Where did you get these?" he sputtered.

The blunette squinted in the darkness and shrugged. "I borrowed them from Nagato. She knows more than I do."

Kyon held back a strangled gasp of shock. This gave Ryoko ample time to stand over him and drop the blanket, causing Kyon's blush to grow. The class representative from space was still smiling throughout the whole time.

"You don't know how much this means to me. I've been in such aggravating pain over these past weeks and I didn't know what else to do in the mean time. I've tried nearly everything... Except this. I hope you'll be gentle with me, Kyon... And if you're still not satisfied, I can always invite Nagato over!"

That's when Kyon learned that very day, that when you are locked in a room with a person who has tried to kill you before, that is possibly the worst place in the world to get an erection.

A/N: Based off an old idea from a year ago that BKE reminded me of recently that used sexually-active Ryoko. Thanks!

And dedicated just for Greg Zerich. Thanks for Severance, man. :3