Riding the Fence
Ch. 21 (Part 1)
EPOV
I'm staring at the broken girl sitting on the floor in front of me, and she's staring at the broken phone lying against the wall, and neither of us are speaking. I don't even have to ask who it was. I know we were both holding our breath, waiting for her to call. I'm frozen, completely overwhelmed by the last five minutes. I should have told her about the letter; I meant to tell her about the letter. But after she came back, I was so worried about how she would react that I put it off, and then later, it just seemed to be less and less pressing. It became one of those things I intended to do 'someday'.
She still hasn't looked at me; she hasn't moved at all since violently throwing her phone. I have no idea what to tell her - do I address the phone call or the letter first? Or maybe neither...maybe she doesn't want me to speak at all. All I know is that if I don't figure out what to say, exactly the right words to give her, she will walk out the door and this will be over. There is no doubt in my mind of the outcome if I fuck this up even more.
I slide to the floor in front of her, not moving any closer, but at least putting us more at eye level. And I wait. Her body initially stiffens when I sit, but she takes a deep breath, slowly exhaling, and she relaxes minutely. I'm not quite sure how much of Bella is actually present; it seems like she's more instinct and emotion right now than logic and thought.
I did this. Because for all my demands that she open up to me, that she be honest with me...I failed to do the same thing for her. I was so afraid of her anger that I hurt her in probably the worst possible way.
Finally she raises her eyes from her lap and stares into mine, her pain palpable. "Why do you have this letter, Edward?" she asks, her voice is eerily calm, devoid of emotion.
"I'm so sorry I..." I begin, but she cuts me off abruptly with a determined shake of her head.
"Just why? Please. It's taking everything I have to sit here and listen. Every-fucking-thing - do you understand?" Her voice cracks at the end, and I can't do anything except for stare at her, and hurt for her, and ache to fix it. She's once again refusing to look at me, staring at her lap when she continues, "Why? That's it."
"Okay," I tell her softly. "A couple of days after...that morning, I was at Alice's. She sent me to her office to grab some pictures off her desk, and I accidentally picked that envelope up, too. I knew it was wrong to take it; I knew that it was an invasion of privacy. I'm not going to pretend that I didn't know that. But, Bella, can you understand the place I was in? I was only being given half-truths from everyone around me. I thought you didn't care about me at all, and I lo...cared about you a great deal. I needed something, anything to go on to understand why you wouldn't let me in. And here was this letter that possibly held the only answers I was likely to receive. I just wanted to understand." I swallowed hard. "I just wanted to know you."
When I meet her eyes again, hers are sparking in anger. "And did my ex-girfriend give you some illumination into who I really am? Did her platitudes ease your worries?" she spits out at me.
I don't know how to answer that. Because, although I learned that Bella had someone in her past that hurt her, it truly didn't tell me anything about the woman that I've fallen in love with. There was nothing in that letter to indicate how funny and caring and sweet Bella is. Nothing to show that even though she has plenty of reason to truly distrust everyone around her and even though on the outside she presents a take-no-shit mask to the world, on the inside she's determined to find the good in people. Nothing that let on just how good she is, down to her very deepest parts.
In my silence, she continues, "You sat there that day and demanded that I open up and bleed out for you, wring out every fucking drop and lay my broken, fucked-up, mangled heart out for you to see! And I did! For you. Even though it hurt, even though it fucking tore me up. I fucking did it for you! Because I wanted to trust you! Because I believed you when you said you wouldn't hurt me.
"And you knew. You watched me ache and burn; you watched my drink myself into numbness just to be able to utter the words, and you let me. I'm sure you didn't know everything, but you knew enough to know the basic summary, and you sure as fuck knew the ending.
"Forgetting how fucked up it was that you took it. Forgetting that. Why would you have kept it from me? You've had that letter for months! And not a fucking word. Nothing! Why?"
She's staring at me accusingly, her words still ringing in my head, echoing inside and burning every place they touch. I don't even think when I answer her, unable to be rational and calm.
"You make it sound so cut and dried. Like if I had just told you, you would have been this perfectly reasonable person and listened to my explanation. But you wouldn't have! The woman that I knew then was so fucking ready to push me away that she would have ran and never looked back.
"And that doesn't excuse my not telling you; I know that. I swear, I was going to tell you about it. I never meant to keep it from you forever. I kept the fucking letter because I had every intention of telling you. If I wanted to hide it, I would have thrown it away. No one knew I had it.
"But I couldn't do that to you. I couldn't demand your honesty and then not give you mine. But I also couldn't risk losing you, Bella. It was a situation of my own making, but I was still stuck between two shitty options. I didn't know the right way to handle it...so I put it off."
By the time I was done, she was no longer angry. The fire in her eyes was gone, replaced with just sadness.
"So, even after the last few months, you still don't trust me? I mean, as much as I hate to admit it, I can see why you took it and wouldn't have told me right away," she says, taking a deep breath. "But, Edward, I've done everything I can to show you that I'm not running. No matter how hard it's gotten, no matter how hard it's been for me to let you in, I have. And you're sitting there telling me that it just wasn't enough. I...fuck...I don't know what to say that," she finishes, sounding so small.
That's not at all what I meant. I'm just terrified of what that letter means. It's proof that she might not feel the same about me as I do about her, that there might be someone out there who better fits her ideas of forever...a woman who fits her better.
"I...god, why is this so hard? I didn't mean that I don't trust you!" I pause, trying to think of how to explain it to her. "Do you know what that letter says?"
She looks startled and confused by my question but answers anyway after a minute. "Probably the same thing the one and only letter I read had, that she's sorry, and she had good reasons, and blah, blah, fucking blah. It doesn't matter; she's a fucking liar."
"But, Bella, what if she's right? What if one day you decide that you want that again?"
She jumps up, towering over me, her eyes narrowed. She's angrier than I have ever seen her, even a few minutes ago when she came to me with the letter. "What if I want Kate back? If that is even a possibility in your mind then you can go fuck yourself, because you don't know me at all!"
I hate this feeling of physical vulnerability, sitting on the floor with her standing above me, so I awkwardly stand up and move across the room, needing some space.
"No, not her! Not her, but a woman! We've never talked about this; you always brush it aside when I try to bring it up. But I am the anomaly in your relationship history! Me. I am the first and only guy you've ever dated; you've made a point of saying that several times. How the hell am I supposed to take that? What if this is just a phase for you or something you're going to outgrow? I held onto the letter because I was terrified that when we had this conversation you were going to tell me that this isn't the same for you as it is for me. I'm fucking in love with you! You're it for me, and I don't know if I'm always going to be enough for you."
She's staring at me with a look on her face that I can't even begin to decipher, and that scares the shit out of me. I've been able to read Bella like an open book almost since the beginning. Finally, she walks across the room, not even hesitating before she wraps her arms around my waist and lays her head on my chest. My arms immediately move to hold her, neither of us speaking for several minutes. She pulls away, looking up at me. When she speaks, it's soft and understanding.
"Why do you think I fought so hard against this, Edward? Why do you think that it freaked me the fuck out in the beginning? Yes, it was the fucking intense connection and, yes, it was the shit with Kate. Underneath it all, though, I was terrified that you were not what I had planned. You walked into my life, and you looked nothing like I thought you were supposed to. I'm sorry you felt like I wasn't addressing your concerns. I honestly didn't know that it was something you were worried about."
She brushes her palm along my cheek and jaw. I can't help the stomach twisting feeling that this is some kind of goodbye. I start to speak, but she runs her fingers over my lips, silencing me.
"I'm here because of you. Not because of your dick. Not because you're not a woman. But because you are an amazing person. Because you make me feel less crazy. Because you make me laugh when what I really want to do is scream. Because you know me better than anyone else in my life, better than people who have known me for years and years. I'm here because you are you.
"But I think we made a mistake. We are more than this thing that keeps us tethered to each other. Yet we've been acting like because it feels inevitable, and it feels fated, that we can just rely on that to get us through. I know I fucked up in the beginning. I know that I was fucked up, and you were there to fix me and show me that I didn't have to be bitter and broken anymore. You showed me I could trust you, and I do, completely and wholly; I trust you.
"I want you to know, deep down, soul-deep, that I'm here because I choose to be, because I don't want to be anywhere else. You say you love me, but you don't trust me. You don't trust me with your fears and your fuck-ups.
"The fear of us breaking up should never supersede our honesty with each other. I've done that; I didn't ask Kate questions. I didn't demand that she tell me what was going on when I knew there was something wrong, because I thought my need to have her was more important than my need to know the truth. I refuse to let you put yourself in that position...I refuse to be put in that position."
My heart is beating painfully as I process her words.
"So where does that leave us? Are you breaking up with me?"
"No, absolutely not. I just...I need you to understand that I will never be with you just because I can't live without you. And I don't want you to be with me because you don't have a choice. I also learned that the hard way - losing yourself in someone isn't the same thing as love, not being able to function and survive without another person isn't love. Love isn't a suicide pact. It's not something you yell out when you're angry, like it's hurting you."
She smiled sadly as she walked into the kitchen, grabbing her bag and then back to the living room where she gathered up the pieces of her shattered phone. I quickly catch her arm, turning her towards me.
"So we aren't breaking up, but you're still leaving?" I ask incredulously.
"I need some space, Edward, and you have a choice to make: either you trust me to catch you, to choose us, or you don't." She presses her lips to mine and then she's gone.
I stand rooted in place, staring after the closed door for I don't know how long, wondering what the hell just happened here. The half-naked Christmas tree mocks me from the corner, a reminder of where we were an hour ago, in another lifetime.
I think the hardest thing to take is that despite just how much it must have hurt her, she wasn't angry, not after the initial shock wore off. If she had screamed and yelled, I could have taken that...I deserved that. But she was just so fucking understanding and loving and patient. She was so resolute in her belief that I wasn't trying to hurt her and that we are better than hiding things from each other.
I wanted to stop her, to tell her she was wrong, that I do trust her, but I couldn't get the words out, because as much as I wanted them to be true, they just weren't. I have no idea why, though. I love her and need her; I told her as much. I don't understand why that's not enough.
I groan loudly, roughly pulling my fingers through my hair. Not only did I scream that I love her the first time she was fully awake and aware to hear it, but I also didn't escape my notice that she didn't say it back. And then she left.
There's no doubt in my mind that I've royally fucked up, but I don't actually understand exactly how I managed it. But I know one person who is always willing to tell me when I'm being an idiot and how to fix it: my mother.
HHHRtFHHH
The next day, I find myself in my parents' kitchen, sitting across the bar from my mom. She was surprised to see me, but it wasn't hard to tell that I need to talk to her. My parents met Bella a few weeks ago when I brought her over for dinner, and they genuinely liked her - which makes asking my mom's opinion a lot easier.
"So, to what do I owe this pleasure, Edward?" my mother asks, though there's something about her slight smirk that tells me she has some idea why I'm here.
"I messed up, and I need to figure out what I did so I can fix it." I then proceed to give her the abbreviated version of Bella's and my fight, generalizing where possible to avoid details that I have no desire to discuss with my mother.
By the time I'm done, she's looking at me with a mixture of pity and amusement. "Have I mentioned how much I like Bella? Because I really do."
"What the hell, Mom? I'm your son; I thought you were supposed to pick my side," I say, only partly kidding.
She doesn't even hesitate before she smacks my arm. "Mouth," she says, narrowing her eyes at me.
"Sorry. But, really, I tell you she left because she needed space and you tell me you like her?"
"Edward, are you here because you want me to cuddle you and tell you how wonderful and amazing you are and how much I love you? If you are, then by all means, let me know, and we can do that. But I kind of thought you were here because you messed up and wanted my opinion?" she asks, completely serious. The amazing thing about her is that she would never give me unsolicited advice; it's one of the reasons it's so easy to talk to her.
"You're right. I want to know what you think," I concede.
"Well, I do like Bella - I like her for you. I have never seen you so single minded about a girl before. The couple of girls that you actually brought home were gone before we had a chance to meet them again. But Bella's different. She challenges you and makes you work for it, and she's obviously not afraid to call you out. I like her because I love you, and she is exactly what you need."
I nod my agreement because she's right. Bella does challenge me, and I can't imagine ever being bored with her.
"From what you're telling me, it doesn't sound like she left. It sounds like you both needed some space, and she realized that."
"Right, but I don't understand why she would tell me that she trusts me and then leaves. I don't know why she doesn't think I trust her."
"Why did you keep the letter from her? Why didn't you come to her when you first realized you had to tell her?"
"I told you - I was worried about the outcome of that conversation."
Mom raises her eyebrow at me, giving me that look that tells me she's leading me somewhere completely obvious that I've somehow missed. "Okay, so what you're saying is that you only have to be honest when you know the outcome is going to be pleasant?"
"What? No, of course not! That's not what I meant at all!" I say exasperatedly.
"But you kept that from Bella because you said you were worried how she was going to react. Is she unreasonable? Is she mean or vindictive? Does she hold a grudge?" The sarcasm is practically dripping from her tone.
I sigh. "No, well...she wasn't always reasonable...it's complicated."
"Okay, so you guys had some issues in the past, but what about now? Do you still worry about that?"
"No, not at all. She blows me away with her ability to forgive other people."
"And you didn't think she'd do the same for you - hear you out and forgive you for screwing up?"
Well, shit, when she puts it like that, I'm an ass. Of course, she would have at least listened to me...just like she did today. And, of course, she would have been forgiving...just like she was today. Fuck.
"Do you see now?" she asks gently.
"Yeah, yeah I do."
I haven't trusted her. I've been there for her and helped her to see her strength, but I never once considered that she was capable of reciprocating. I never once thought of telling her about the things I worry about, my fears, and my failings.
My mom's arms wrap around my shoulders. "We all make mistakes, Edward. No one's perfect. Pencils have erasers. And I'm betting that Bella already knew that you're imperfect, and she sticks with you anyway. Give her a day or two and then talk to her."
I nod my head, remembering the phrase she always said when I was growing up and would get frustrated because something didn't turn out right. Pencils have erasers because everyone makes mistakes. It wasn't an excuse to brush off a screw-up, but just a way to remember that no one's perfect.
I'm driving home later that night, resolved to go to see Bella the next day, when my phone chimes a new text message. Glancing at the screen, I see that it's from Bella. My heart pounds, and my first thought is that she's tired of waiting for me. And just as quickly I get it - I totally fucking understand what she was talking about and what my mom was really trying to tell me. It's not that I can't be afraid or insecure, but that it's not okay to act as if those fears and insecurities are truths and judge her for them. This is Bella - she's not going to do something shitty like breaking up with me by text. She's not breaking up with me at all. I'm choosing to trust her...choosing her.
At the next red light I pull up the message.
I miss you. And I still choose you.
Fuck tomorrow. I turn right instead of going straight as I had originally intended, desperate to get to Bella. I don't want to spend another minute with her not knowing. I have no recollection of the rest of the drive, and I'm not even sure I'll be able to find my car tomorrow; the only thing I can focus on is the girl waiting for me, trusting me to get it right.
I force myself to knock like a normal person instead of banging the shit out of the door trying to get to her. She opens the door quickly when she realizes that it's me.
As soon as I'm inside the apartment, she starts to speak, "Edward, why..." but I don't let her finish.
"I'm making a choice," I tell her, unable to stop smiling.
She looks startled, stuttering out, "Oh, okay. What's your choice?"
"You. I always choose you." I pull her to me, holding her tightly, relieved to have her here again. A couple of moments pass, and I feel her shaking against my chest. I move to look at her face, worried that she's crying, but I'm completely speechless at the sight that greets me. She's silently laughing, biting her lip to keep the sound in, her eyes dancing with humor.
Seeing her so happy makes it impossible to be upset, so I laugh lightly at her laughter and look at her questioningly.
"Well, I was just thinking that all I was going to ask you was why you didn't use your key. But I may not let you ever use your key again if this is the kind of greeting I get by opening the door for you."
"God, I love you," I say, still laughing with her.
Her breath catches and immediately she stops laughing, staring up into my eyes, grinning widely. "See, that's more like it," she says. She reaches up to kiss me and just before our lips meet, whispers, "And for the record...I love you, too."
A/N: Okay, everyone together now - "awwwwww". So, was the ILY worth the wait? What did you guys think of how Bella handled it? We are almost to the very end, just need to take out the trash...*cough-Kate-cough*
This is Part 1 of the last chapter. Part 2 is BPOV and is going to be pretty short, about 2K words. It's almost finished, and I'll be posting it within the next week. The epilogue will be along a few days after Part 2 posts.
You guys continue to amaze me :) I'll save all the extra mushy stuff for later though. For now, I'll just say thank you, really and truly.
As always, love to Kas90, Sammielynnsmom, and KrisScott for all they do!
I own nothing. Until next time! ~Kimberly