A Magnolia Tree Blossoms
This one day, mother was catching up on some of her programmes she had missed through the week, as I was in the kitchen clearing the dishwasher and doing the few loads of washing that had accumulated; when I then heard mother cry.
"I have failed Ted."
"No you have not Pam." I heard him reply.
"I tried my best to protect her, and I failed her. It should have been me who died; not my little girl." She sobbed
I then came out of the kitchen, and just stood in the doorway of the lounge when father replied.
"You have protected her Pam we both have, but it was just not good enough; we could not help her beat it."
"I would gladly give my own life to bring her back Ted, to spend just one more time with her." She told him, as by now father was holding onto her hand.
"I know Pam, we all would. She is in God's hands now Pam." He said as she took his hand away from hers and stood up in a rage.
"Don't you talk to me about God, for Christ's sake Ted; What kind of God would take away the life of an innocent child?" She cursed
"I don't know Pam; I was just saying it metaphorically. We have to now think that she is at peace." He told her as he stood up and put his hands onto her shoulders
"Why didn't he bloody take away her leukaemia, and give us our little girl back?" She told him, still in a flood of tears.
"Because I guess it is God's way Pam." He replied
"God's way indeed, it is a selfish way I know that. What kind of God would help your child get over the first episode, only to give it her back a few years later? What kind of bloody God, would take a child away from their family, after she has done so much to help others. I want her back Ted, and to hell with what God thinks. There is no God in my eyes Ted, not after he can do this to us. She was a child for Christ's sake; she was only fourteen years old ted." She cursed, now in a right state.
"Pam, you have to put your faith in God; and you have to let him in otherwise he cannot help you." Father told mother.
"Why should I let him in Ted? I do not understand why I should let this so called God in; when he has taken away my little girl." She cried.
"So that you are able to start healing Pam, you have to let Rebecca go, and you have to let God in your heart. The love God has for you will help with learning to come to terms with the loss of Rebecca; if you only open up your heart to him." Father explained.
"You have been talking to your mother for too long Ted, because I do not believe in a God; who can take away the life of an innocent child." She said, again cursing.
"That is a shame Pam, because he believes in you." Father replied.
"Enough of this Ted, if you want to go down that road; then that's your choice. But for Christ's sake, do not expect me to follow you. I say it now and I say it clear, that there is not a God; because no God would take away the life of a child." She shouted
It was then that father just broke down, and together they cried as they comforted each other. I could no longer hold my emotions in, and looked at father who could now see the tears rolling down my face; as I stood in that doorway alone.
"Oh dad, mom." I sobbed, as father held out his hand; as I ran towards them, now the three of us crying together comforting each other.
Mother and father had separated themselves from each other those first few months, as they continued to argue. Father would stay longer at work, coming home later each night; as mother went into her shell and threw herself into the housework, always making sure she had something to do. It was an awful time for me, as it felt like they did not recognise my pain. I don't think that they fully realized, that not only had I lost my sister; but I had also lost my best friend. They did not show any feeling towards me, and it felt as though they shut me out. I often told myself, that it would have been better if I had died and not Rebecca; as they did not seem to miss me that much. It was not until father had a weekend with my grandparents alone, that things seemed to change when he got back. He told me he was sorry for closing the door on me, as he started to spend more time with me. We often spoke about Rebecca, and over time we helped each other to heal. I learnt that mother would come round when she was ready, and I no longer resented her as I knew grief was such a short word, with the biggest of impacts on anyone's emotions; and it was up to the person grieving at the end of the day, when they were ready to descend from their darkness. Mother needed time to grieve the only way she thought that was best for her, that was her way and we had no reason to say anything different. As much as it hurt me seeing her cry alone in Rebecca's bedroom, I knew that this was natural for her and in time she would come around and feel at peace.
This one day I suggested to mother, that on Rebecca's birthday; we never forget her. That we would have a little party just for her, just the three of us as we look at her pictures; and tell stories just so she is always with us. Mother confided in June who helped a lot, as she spoke about Timothy; and what the two of them used to get up to at the hospital with playing tricks on the nurses. Especially the one day they went missing, and the nurses hunted high and low for them; only for them to jump out of the lined cupboard and made them jump. I lost mother for almost a year, but once she learnt to cope with her loss; I got some of her back. It would not be until the year after Rebecca's passing that mother and I really come together. I was also very thankful for having April and Greg, as Greg phoned me four or five times a day; and constantly text me to check on me. He was my rock, as he would talk about silly things just to make me smile. He would help me reminisce about the good times with Rebecca; and help me stay clear of the negative times until I could control my emotions and talk about it freely without upset. My father too was there for me, as when the times got too bad for mother and she just wanted to be left alone; then father would take me into town and spend a little time with me to help both of us cope. It took father almost a year before he lost the guilt that he endured, with not being at the hospital at the time when Rebecca passed. I can honestly say that my father was a changed man from that day, as he so often kept everything bottled deep down inside of him. I know that it affected him dearly, as I often heard him cry silently as I would go about my everyday chores and tasks as I heard my father sob; but quickly dry his tears when I went by. How he became distant towards me, but not in a negative way; as I had grown to understand that he needed time to heal. I was fortunate enough to have Greg phone me every day, and to be able to have some form of solitude with April; where I could just get out of the house and continue some sort of life. Father had gone into his own shell of grief, which sometimes over spilled into the many arguments that he and mother had. Mother used to go to the cemetery every week to put fresh flowers on Rebecca's grave, as well as sometimes to just get away from the arguments that her and father got into. As a family we were all feeling it, and I do have to thank the special care team for stepping in; because I do not know what we would have done without their help. Father still has his days where he cries, just like mother does; but we are back how we used to be as we talk more now.
It had been just over a year since Rebecca had passed, and mother had only just got back to her usual routine after much support from family and friends. Rebecca's passing had affected both my mother and father very badly; and I had to grow up very quickly to support my family. I took a year out from university, to concentrate on helping mother and father, as I also needed to get time out from my studies. Within that year my grandma passed, as she could not cope with the loss of Rebecca; as it was too much for her to cope with. This also made grandpa poorly, as not only was he coping with losing Rebecca; he now had to cope with losing grandma. Father took some leave from work to help look after grandpa, and at weekend mother and I would go down and see them where we tried to take grandpa's mind off things. We knew that grief affected people differently, and although like mother my heart broke every day not having Rebecca around. Grandpa now had no one, and his life became very lonely as he felt very lost. Mother limited herself to going to the graveside now every three to four weeks, where father could still not get himself to go; as he often said that he could not look at a grave stone as he would much rather relish in the happy memories he had of Rebecca, that was stored away in his mind; as well as the many photographs we had accumulated over the many years.
This one day as I was helping mother tidy the house, and generally help her with the chores; I noticed a bright light shine through the window, yet felt puzzled as it was a bit of a cloudy day; and I then got a brief smell of magnolia, and wondered if mother had sprayed the house just to freshen up the rooms. I do not know what made me do what happened next, but I looked out of the bedroom window, and could not believe what I was seeing. Sitting underneath the magnolia tree was my baby sister Rebecca, just as though nothing had happened. More unbelievable was the fact that the magnolia was in full bloom for the first time in ten years. I ran as quickly as I could down the stairs and managed to get to mother who was in the laundry room.
"Mother, Mother come quickly." I shouted
"What on earth is the matter Amanda?" mother replied
"It's Rebecca, she is outside." I said all hyperactive, still in shock of disbelief.
"Sweetheart, Rebecca has gone; please don't say things like that." Mother cried
"Trust me mother, come with me." I said, grabbing her hand
I almost pulled her arm off as I was running out of the kitchen door towards the back garden, still holding tightly onto her hand as I pulled her outside. By the time we got to the back garden Rebecca had since gone, but to mothers shock she just stood there and started to shake; as she noticed that for the first time Rebecca's tree had flowered. She then fell to her knees as she called out to Rebecca.
"Oh my sweet little girl, I miss you every day Rebecca. I miss you so much sweetheart, that I cannot express the words to tell you." Mother cried
"She never left us mother, she has always been with us but we could not see it. Now Rebecca has given us a sign that she is always with us, and that she will never leave us." I said, as now mother and I were sitting underneath the magnolia tree; as we felt a breeze of calm as our lips all of a sudden tingled.
"Did you feel that Amanda?" Mother asked
"Yes mother, did your lips do the same?" I replied
"Yes Amanda they did, Rebecca is here with us; she has just given us a heavenly kiss." She said
We just sat there as we began talking to Rebecca, as we laughed and cried; but felt finally at peace. I then text Greg, as I told him what had just happened; as father had walked through the back gate and stood there himself in shock; as he saw mother and I under the now blossoming magnolia tree. I stood up ran to him, as I told him what had happened; and my father just broke down in tears. Now sitting under the tree with his arms around both mother and I, my phone bleeped as I looked to see that it was a text from Greg, telling me to give him five minutes. As father embraced us both, telling both mother and I that he was sorry and that he loved us so much; as he also told us that he thought he had failed as a father because of not being at the hospital when his little girl had passed. This got to mother, as she told him that he had not failed; even though at one point she thought exactly the same as she blamed herself. Just then my phone rang, and I began telling Greg what had happened; and how the magnolia tree is now in full bloom. He told me that he would see me that following Friday, as he was coming back to London for the weekend. I just cried my eyes out, as I told him that I loved him. Once I hung up the phone, my father opened his arms to me, and I sat in between mother and father as we spend time talking about Rebecca, and how it was now time to get on with our lives to the best of our ability; knowing that she would always be with us.