Selling newspapers was not easy business. You had to have a talent for it, or you starved, I personally would have starved. I watched Mush sell from a few feet away with awe. He seemed to know exactly which ploy to try with which person, only a handful brushed him off. It was rather boring after a while though, and when the end of the day came I was grateful for it. I found I had spent so much of my time working, that I was unable to sit still doing nothing. The day dragged by slowly, and was only alleviated by a trip to a vendor for lunch.
By the time we finished the day I was exhausted just from shear boredom. To my surprise we did not go back to Molly's, instead, we stopped just in front of a building I had only seen once. It was not a building that stuck out, in fact if it hadn't had a green and gold sign hanging above it that read Newsboy Lodging House, I would have never known what it was. I glanced at Mush curiously, but he was eyeballing something to the side. He seemed to be shifting something around in his mind. With a nod to himself, he looked at me, gave me a smile, and took my hand. I followed, not certain I had another choice in the matter.
We stopped just in front of a rusted fire escape, and I looked at him before looking back at it. The ladder, which at one time had probably slid down to touch the ground, was missing, and it did not look particularly sturdy. His smile did not change, as he wrapped his hands around my waist and lifted me to the first platform. I sat on the edge of it for a moment, before scooting away, as he set his hands on either side of the edge and effortlessly hoisted himself up. It was always a marvel to me to see his strength no matter how small a display of it.
He said nothing, as he shooed me up the fire escape slowly, as it was squeaky and he did not seem to want to call attention to us. It was a four level building. The bottom two floors were lit welcomingly, in the gathering gloom of dusk, glowing almost golden in the fading sunlight. As we passed the second floor I found it filled with boys each in various stages of dress and in various activities. It reminded me slightly of Brooklyn on that fateful day. I shivered at the thought, and found Mush's threadbare coat suddenly resting on my shoulders. It had been a chilly day, one that whispered of the snow to come, and hinted of a nasty winter. Glancing back at Mush, I hoped he had warmer clothing than the torn trousers he always wore.
I glanced in the window as we passed the third floor. The room facing us was dark, but the door had been left open and I saw a flash of red hair as someone passed by. Long red hair, suddenly I wasn't certain this was a good idea at all. There was only one girl with red hair in the Manhattan Lodging House, and that was Cinnamon. The last thing I needed was another run in with her. Mush put a finger to his lips and gestured for me to continue to the fourth floor. Just as we reached the end of the fire escape, Mush slipped past me and opened a window just above the final platform. Next to it, a set of bars had been set into the wall, which I assumed led to the roof. He helped me inside before slipping in himself, and fumbling near the window for something. As the scent of a lit match filled the air , and the glow of a candle lit the room, I knew what it had been.
Glancing about I realized the room was littered with old broken crates, bunk beds, and other various bits of furniture. The wind whistled down the fireplace that looked as though it had been used recently. A mattress lay on the floor next to it, and blankets lay puddled upon it. It smelled musty and slightly moldy. I tried to suppress the second shiver, never again would I be able to walk into an older building and not remember Spot.
"Is this your room?" I asked innocently, glancing at him and he chuckled while he set about lighting the fire.
"When I fancy it to be." Mush replied softly. "We have to be quiet, there may be two floors between Kloppman and us, but I swear the old man can hear a pin drop a mile away."
"What is this place?" I questioned, my voice dropping, as I looked around for somewhere to sit. The bed wasn't an option, it would give him ideas and I was still struggling with everything. I hadn't stopped struggling all day. Just because I hadn't spoken to him about it since this morning, didn't mean the thoughts were spinning about in my brain, attempting to find some resolution.
"It's a little hiding place." Mush said, glancing at me as the fire in the fireplace caught, the light from the window matched the light from the fire, a golden-red glow. It was a glow that reminded me of the fires of hell. I shivered again I couldn't shake these thoughts. I couldn't stop the litany; I was beginning to think this way of life was going to drive me mad. "The boys and I sometimes bring girls here to be alone when they don't got a place for some privacy."
The implications of his statement took a moment to sink in. My eyes widened as he grinned at me in a particularly wolfish manner, and I backed away. I looked to the window and the faint smell of mold made me panic. But I had not time to react, I was frozen as Mush stood and made his way toward me. His arms slipped around my waist and his head dipped to brush my lips with his own. When I didn't respond he looked at me probingly.
"Please take me home Mush." I pleaded, looking up at him. Anger was slowly building within me as my understanding became more and more clear. He had brought me here to spend some time with me, but not as I wished to spend time with him. There could only be one thing Mush Meyers wanted from me in this room, and my cheeks stained with color as I realized it.
"What's wrong?" he asked, a completely befuddled look crossing his face, which only enraged me further. How dare he treat me like this? I had given in, I had been weak, and I had lost his respect. I wasn't certain what angered me more, the fact I had been stupid enough to lose his respect, or that he was treating me with such a lack of.
"I thought you were better than Spot Conlon." I said stiffly. "I see I was wrong."
His actions reflected my tone as he stiffened and looked at me with such a look of dumbfoundment and hurt, that I bit my lip. I wanted to soothe that look from his face, but I knew if I caved now, I would be exactly what his friends had professed me to be. If I didn't not face him down, I would be another tick mark on his long list of girls.
"How's that?" he asked, his eyes flashing with anger and his voice deceptively neutral. I wasn't fooled; I had known him long enough to know when I had angered him. The calmer and more emotionless he got, the angrier he was. Gauging by his reaction now I had pushed him possibly farther than I ever had before.
"No, but you'll take everything you can get while you want it." I said hurt coloring my words. "You have no respect for me, bringing me here tonight proves it. You say I'm not your mistress Mush, but you'll treat me like one. If I lay on that bed tonight I'll be nothing better than what your fellow newsies think of me. I'll be your whore and nothing else. I can't do that. I can't, I can't allow you to cheapen me like that."
"Then don't." he said simply and without feeling. His hand wrapped around my upper arm and he dragged me to the window. I felt tears spilling down my cheeks that I didn't even know had gathered. I did not struggle, though I wanted to as he pulled me down the fire escape, and through the streets, until after only a few blocks I found myself in front of Molly's.
"Mush." I said softly, looking up at him with a pleading expression. "I'm sorry I compared you to Spot, I know I hurt you, but don't you see what you're doing to me."
"Save it." Mush snapped, finally showing some of the anger rolling under the surface. I watched him walk away with a sinking heart. I might have just made the biggest mistake of my life, but for all my musings earlier I realized I couldn't play his mistress. Mush had said it when he first met me I wasn't made to be a mistress; I was made to be a wife. I had said it myself earlier and I wasn't going to settle for less.
"So ya back." I looked up at the doorway to see Molly standing ther,e her arms akimbo and an unreadable expression on her face. "Come in then."
I said nothing only followed her inside, my heart too heavy to do anything more than to make my way up to my room. The sheets were still rumpled from the night before, a memory that brought a flash of pain. I lay down upon it, the scent of him still lingering in the sheets. The tears flooded my eyes and as I lay there, I said what I was certain was my final goodbye.
Once again days slipped by, I found myself watching for Mush. Once again I was disappointed as he disappeared. It seemed like years since the beginning of our relationship, years since we had been so happy together. Finally after a week I gave up on him, and resolved to attempt to get my life together once again. With that decision made, a break came my way. I ran into an old acquaintance from my days as a debutant.
Abigail Stewart had been married six months before I had left. She was much surprised at my change of stations. I was desperate for someone to talk to, someone other than Molly or the newsgirls. Someone that had been raised at my station and would understand me in a way they never could. I found myself pouring out nearly my whole story to her, omitting the recent problems with Mush and Spot.
She had always been a sweet soul. It was this very sweetness that I had not liked before, and I was thankful that while I had not liked her, I had not alienated her. I knew there were many that would be celebrating my disappearance, many of whom I had called friends. She offered me a way out of this life and this mess. I might not be able to return to my station; however, I had many of the qualities that one looked for in a governess. I was educated, with both book learning and etiquette, something that would make me invaluable to the right family. It seemed a Godsend, as I had been informed only that morning I had been replaced at the Swan. Molly had bundled off my clothing because I could not bear to look at it. The hurt and anger at Lilly's defection made it impossible.
While Molly approved of the idea I knew she did not want me to go. I knew I was being selfish, but it made me feel a little better to find that someone would miss me when I had left. Mush still had yet to make an appearance and I was certain that I had lost him forever. For that matter after the last time I had seen him, and the way he kept disappearing I wasn't certain I wanted him to come back. My heart couldn't take his finicky heart any longer. I would leave for Georgia within two weeks; all the arrangements had been made. My prospective employers forwarded the money for my ticket to me; however, life for me would not be that easy. Fate had other ideas.
One week into my two-week wait I woke with a sudden lurch. I had only enough time to rush myself to the bathroom, before I was violently ill. Certain I had caught something or eaten something that had caused it, I prepared to return to bed only to find after a few hours and Molly's fussing that I was feeling perfectly well. The next morning I found myself fine, but later that evening as I was hauling a bucket of dirty water, I found myself again violently ill. This continued for a week before Molly sat me down in the kitchen.
"I don't know how to begin this Bianca." Molly said softly, looking anywhere, but at me. My heart sank, and I had a feeling that what she was about to say, I wasn't going to like at all. "I'll attempt to be delicate about this. I have a feeling I might know the cause of your illness."
"Is it curable?" I asked with innocence I now chuckle at, I feared her look for entirely different reasons than what I really have.
"Well, in about sixteen to eighteen years." Molly responded with a small tight laugh that was meant for levity, but offered none. My heart sank at her words as a small inkling of her meaning started to take hold in my mind. "Do you remember the morning after………after Mush stayed the night?"
My breathing began to come in short gasps, and bewildered tears began to fill my eyes. I felt lightheaded and Molly wasn't quick enough to catch me from sliding from my chair in a dead faint.
I woke on the floor, near the very chair I had fallen from, with something truly horrible smelling being waved under my nose. I batted at it and attempted to bring my foggy thoughts into focus.
"Ya gave me quite a fright." Molly said, sighing with relief and capping her smelling salts. My memories returned swiftly and I scrambled back.
"I gave you a fright?" I asked, moving swiftly to my feet and turning away from her my cheeks stained with the shame I felt. Fear assailed me as I thought of the mothers I saw daily, women who worked themselves to the bone that their children might have a bite to eat. The stories of Mush's mother, the choices that one had to make for another life.
I couldn't go to Georgia now, no matter what lies I concocted about my "delicate condition", without a husband at my side they would never be believed. Not to mention how was I to teach and take care of two children, when I would have one of my own to zap my attention? Not to mention, it was not just myself I would have to think about. I would bear a child without a husband; I would have to raise it by myself and no matter what I said this child would carry the stigmatism of a bastard. This child would be ridiculed and taunted for my mistakes. Tears filled my eyes and I shrugged Molly's hands away. I did not want to be comforted now. Unable to bear her sympathy, I fled to my room, my mind in a fogged state blindly attempting to find a way through.
I do not know how long I sat in my room staring blankly out the window; despair had filled me with a darkness that I could not fight. Despair for my lost chances, despair for the boy I had loved, despair for the mistakes I had made. It filled my soul and fed off of it, bringing ideas to my head that in my right state of mind I would never have considered. My heart felt like a bit of ground sausage and my mind was refusing to think beyond the most drastic of measures. I kept thinking of the taunts for me and my child, the looks and the snickers. I was trapped in New York and I would never rise above the level of washerwoman. I would be lucky if Molly let me stay. For that matter what right did I have to impose myself, and my child upon her? Hadn't she done enough?
"Come and eat Bianca." Molly called through the door, startling me. Darkness was filling the room with it's stealthy creeping. It only worsened my despair. "You've got to for the bairn."
My heart clenched, it was the first time I had heard in words precisely what my predicament was. Resolutely I remained silent, perhaps if I did not speak she would assume I was asleep and would leave me be, but that was not Molly's way. She opened the door and before I knew what was happening I found myself at the table downstairs resolutely eating dinner. I did not taste it, as my eyes kept flicking to my shawl and coat that hung from their hooks in the kitchen.
"It's not the end of the world ya know." Was the only thing she said to me all night. "Ya'll not be the first girl in the world to get yaself in this particular pickle."
Her comfort did not do as she meant it to; with a sigh she left me to my food warning me of what dire consequences she would reap upon me if I did not finish my meal. I let her settle herself into her chair and took my bowl to the sink, where I was going I would not need food, and neither would the baby growing within me.
"Ya wanted to see me Molly?" Mush's voice gave me pause as I reached for my shawl. Molly would think nothing of it if I took my shawl; it was certainly not weather to be wondering about without my coat.
"I think ya better finish doin' whatever it is ya've been doin'. I know read ya letter and I understand what ya tryin' to do, but there's more at stake." I heard Molly say. "She's with child and whether it's yours, or Spot Conlon's, someone's gonna need to be a man and take care of her. If you don't do it I'll go to him."
I did not listen for his reply. The idea of Mush choosing to take care of me because of a baby, seemed more repulsive than taking care of it by myself. My tears were warm on my cold cheeks trickling down my face and mingling with the cold rain that was turning into sleet. I did not hear the door open only minutes after I left, though I must have vaguely heard Mush's call, as I began running swiftly as I could through the water logged streets.
I do not know how I knew the way to the Brooklyn Bridge, I had only been there once, but somehow I made it. I stopped half way across and looked over the rail. I shivered in my thin shawl, as the sleet turned to snow, and my wet body chilled to freezing. White fluffy flakes fell, disappearing into the dark inky water as dark as the despair that filled my heart. My hopes were shattered, my dreams broken, my life ruined. I had no other choice. These words had become a litany ever running through my head as I had run through the streets.
Slowly, I put my hands flat on the rail and slowly hooked my leg over it. I sat on the rail, half in the side of safety and life the other half on the side of peril and death. I rose to my feet, balancing on the rail with one hand on the cables that rose above me as I looked down at the water trying to get up the courage to let go and end it all. My breath came in gasps of white and my body shivered; my tears were now frozen on my cheeks.
"Bianca?" a voice came to me, as though through a long tunnel. Luckily, I had a tight grip on the cable as I started and nearly slid off. "No, wait, stop."
I turned toward the sound of the voice to see Spot Conlon watching me wide eyed, his hands stretched out in front of him as if the motion would stop me. I looked back at him just as wide-eyed wavering on my precarious perch.
"Come on Bi, ya don't want to do this." Spot said in a calm voice, his emotions hidden behind a mask of serenity. "Let me help ya down and back home."
"What do you know of what I want?" I spat, "Ever since I left home nothing has been as I want. I didn't want to fall in love with Mush, I didn't want to meet you, I didn't want to cheapen myself with you and Mush, I didn't want my life ruined, I didn't want to end up with child. I didn't want any of this, but it doesn't matter what I want, it only matters what you want. What Mush wants, your need, his needs, your life, and his life. I've been bounced back and forth like a tennis ball, my life is ruined and if I step away from this rail it will be far better in the long run for everyone."
"No it wouldn't." Spot said softly, his hand reaching out for me. "I'm sorry Bi, I didn't think when I made my choices. I never thought of what would happen to ya. I'm sorry Bi don't do this."
"Why so you don't have an innocent girl's blood on your hands." I snapped bitterly. "All that matters to Spot Conlon,is Spot Conlon."
"It ain't about what I want or what ya want now." Spot said softly looking up at me; fear and sorrow warred within his eyes. "Ya right, I ain't thought about anythin', but me in the entire time ya've known me. I'm sorry, I've made a mess of ya life, but I know one thing and Mush really does care about ya. That's the whole reason for everythin', 'cause I wanted to hurt him, and I wanted to hurt ya a little. I didn't want this. He wouldn't want this."
"I don't care what any of you want." I hissed, leaning out over the water, my hand sliding around the cable.
"Seems to me I ain't the only one bein' selfish here." Spot said sharply, making me pause and turn back to look at him. " Who's bein' selfish now? All I'm hearin' what ya want, not about what's best for ya baby. Who's more worried about appearances than her baby's life? Who's willin' to kill ya both just so ya don't have to worry about the stares and the jeers? Suicide's a mortal sin Bianca, and murder's far worse. Ya gonna murder ya child?"
"I'm doing this for my child." I replied softly, his words hit me like a slap in the face. "I don't want it to be raised ridiculed for my mistakes."
"It ain't hurt me none." Spot told me, shrugging his shoulders and looking away for a moment. "It ain't hurt Mush, if anythin' it's made us fighters, it's made us stronger. I never figured ya for a weaklin' Bi, I always thought ya had a little bit of spark."
I hesitated, the wind swirling brilliant white flakes around us as my mind slowly returned to some semblance of sanity. Spot held out his hand for mine and I looked past him to see Mush half hiding in the shadows, a look of utter terror on his face.
"Please Bianca." Mush said softly, fear and pain in his eyes far greater than Spot's. His arms reached for me and I let go of the cable to reach out for him. My foot slipped on the icy rail, and fear filled me as I realized exactly what I had been about to do. "Bianca!"
He moved far swifter than I had ever seen him move, but he would have been too late. Had it not been for Spot standing where he had been, I would have slipped over the side of the Brooklyn Bridge and been lost forever. He was surprisingly strong as he hauled me in the opposite direction, causing us both to fall onto the wet cobblestones and into the water that was rapidly turning to ice.
Mush wrapped an arm around me and hauled me to my feet, his body warm against my frozen one. I shivered in reaction as he took his coat off, and wrapped me in it. He didn't say anything, but his look said it all. There was disappointment and sorrow that somehow made me feel foolish for it all. There was fear and a touch of anger, I could see him fighting to keep from shaking me, and the hardest of all was the two silver streaks on his face from two tears. Never had I seen Mush cry. I thought your heart could only break one time, but the battered remains of mine did yet again as I saw those tears.
"Let's get ya home, you're freezin'." Mush said gently, as his hands ran up and down my arms attempting to force some heat into them. He stopped as he caught sight of Spot attempting to brush the freezing brackish water from his coat. Their eyes caught and they stared each other down for a moment. Silence hung thick between them, years of hostility and anger still creating a chasm. Finally Mush cleared his throat and broke the silence.
"Thanks." Mush said with a cool nod in his enemy's direction. Spot watched him for a moment responding.
"Take care of her." Spot replied returning his gesture. "And if he leaves ya, ya know where to find me Bi. I'll see that ya taken care of."
I nodded slowly as Mush wrapped his arm around me and turned me toward Molly's. Spot was no fool, he knew the baby might be his, but he had just relinquished any rights as long as Mush wanted me. I had seen something in Spot's eyes, a look of yearning when he had seen Mush wrap his coat about me. I glanced up at Mush as we sloshed our way home, and I hoped that this night might be the beginning of the end, of their rivalry.
Falco: Well it's still not perfect, but it's getting better right? I'll do what I can, but the muses are in charge. It seems to be going in that direction though. Thank you honey, I'm glad you liked the last chapter. I hope you like this one as well!
Kez: I still need to send you that story. Rumor did some editing for me and I haven't had the time to make the changes she suggested. I'm trying to get it down as best I can before the muses plead for a break. I hope this chapter held up next to the last, I rather liked it. It was dark, but a bit of hope there. Thank you for the encouragement on the other story.
Riot:Yup you are a snot! I tried to review one of your stories today written under Misery, but I couldn't log on, I'll try to send you a review soon! I know poor Bi, she's finally cracked under the pressure of everything she's been through. I read your last chapter, did I review? I think I did, but suddenly I'm not certain. I can't wait for the next one, you have me on pins and needles!
voided: Yeah, but what's gonna happen to poor Bi if he hurts her again? It would be very bad if she hurt him. A good read, but possibly bloody. I write a chapter at a time, my muses like it better that way. Post soon okay, I'm very curious.
Pricilla2: I think he made an appearance earlier in the story, but hasn't made an appearance lately. I'm glad you enjoyed the alley scene, I did. I've always tried for realizm, perhaps I bring too much to my characters, but still it seems to be interesting. Thank you!
Smiley Cad: Thank you honey, it was a little sad as is this one. Did I make you cry this time?
Rumor: I think it's been forever since I've called you that. Anywho grams, he is a bit of a bastard, but I think that's what we all love about him. She does have that right, especially when neither of them were going ot think about it. He is a bit Angry. I like it. My male main characters are always a duality. A constant struggle between themselves, but if you think about it men ususally are. Or at least they were, they had to constantly struggle with their emotions. Thanks grams, that means a lot! Thanks again for the honest feed back on my other story and I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Dreamer: I updated WOT, did you review? I've forgotten so before I give you grief I'll go and double check. That's great, you're willing to sacrifice Ivy for the greater good hmmm? I agree with the POTC, though I think it's great they've broght on Keith Richards (the man Johnny Depp used to create the character of Jack Sparrow) as Jack Sparrow's dad. I think I sent the chapter off to you and I know I haven't heard back on it. Let me know what you think! Miss ya too!