Chapter 21: They Say Gossip Comes from the Devil's Workshop
Disclaimer: Gen and her family and a few of her friends are mine. The rest belong to this lady in Scotland or something….
Note: Enjoy!
"Go back to America, Proctor!"
Gen looked up, searching for the voice. She was standing at the bottom of the main staircase on her way to breakfast. There was a stream of students in front of her, and she was having difficulty finding the person who had shouted it.
It was difficult because nearly everyone was giving her dirty looks. There were groups of girls who stared at her and whispered, and guys who were shaking their heads and steering clear of her. There was a three foot radius around her that none of her peers dared step into. It was as clear as there were stars in the sky – these people passing her did not like Gen in any way, shape, or form. Their very pores seemed to be repulsed by her, as if she had murdered somebody. Gen clutched her arms around herself and gave up her search for the culprit, entering the river of people and heading to the Great Hall.
When she sat down at breakfast she was completely alone. She wanted it that way. Or, she had convinced herself of that. She had Defense Against the Dark Arts as her first class that morning, and she wasn't the least bit excited. Her mind mulled over what had just been said to her in the hallway and tried to understand why, all of a sudden, anybody cared about the American at Hogwarts. Even more questionable was what she had done to anybody to be receiving such cruel expressions.
What is everybody's problem? she thought angrily as a crew of Hufflepuff students, supposedly the kindest in Hogwarts, gave her a range of distasteful looks. Gen scowled back at them but felt her soul deflate inside of her. Getting up from the table she retreated to her Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, where there was nobody to bother her.
She sunk into her seat and put her head down on her desk, her bones quite exhausted. She hadn't exerted herself in anyway, in fact she had been quite lazy all weekend, but her mind was so drained that she could barely think straight. She wanted to be happy to be leaving for the holidays soon, but she knew she wouldn't be.
Not if Remus kept ignoring her.
It wasn't even ignoring, it was avoiding. Ignoring implied that she had been speaking to him. She hadn't even had a chance to do that.
"There you are," said a familiar voice after a long while of being alone. Gen didn't bother to look up, but waved to her left, where she knew Alice would be sitting. "What are you doing?"
"Wasting away," Gen replied, her forehead firmly planted against the wooden top. Her eyes were closed and her right arm was wrapped around her head in protection.
"What's your problem?" Georgina asked, taking her seat behind Gen. Gen made no motion to acknowledge her existence.
"Georgina, leave her alone," Alice said. Gen would have smiled at Alice, but was just too preoccupied with trying not to care about anything anybody said. She was trying to focus all of her energy on blocking out her thoughts that related to Remus and the way people were behaving.
"Your guilt finally getting to you, Proctor?" someone called from across the room. Gen looked up and saw Gregory McCarthy, a Hufflepuff student, taking his seat and giving her a challenging look. Gen sat upright and cocked her head to the side, still staring at him. Alice shifted uncomfortably in her seat next to Gen, but Gen refrained for asking her.
"What is that supposed to mean then, McCarthy?" Gen asked, trying to keep her voice even. He rolled his eyes at her and his friends shook their heads in disbelief.
"Go back where you came from," jeered Avery. Gen's eyes flitted over to the unreasonable Slytherin and she felt her patience waning.
"Olivia, just shut up. You don't do yourself any favors by talking," Gen said back. She turned her attention back to Gregory and spoke again. "Gregory, I asked you a question." Her tone was serious and attempted to be threatening, her grey eyes narrowing on him. He turned his body towards her in his seat, puffing up his chest a little.
"What are you going to do, Proctor, attack me?" he asked. Gen was bewildered by his answer. She shook her head in her lack of comprehension and he turned away from her. She gave up asking him and turned her eyes to Alice. Alice was staring straight ahead, her hands folded on top of her desk.
Of course she knows, Gen assessed. Whenever Alice knew something that she didn't want to tell Gen, she tried to look very polite. Gen wasn't sure why, but she knew that if they had been at dinner, Alice would be cutting her food up into the tiniest of pieces and would be dabbing at her mouth with her napkin.
"Alice," Gen said, her voice dropping. Alice gave her a sidelong glance and tensed. "Alice, tell me what everyone's problem is today."
It took three seconds before Alice turned and started speaking.
"Everyone thinks that you gave Remus those scratches on his face and that you fell down the stairs when he pushed you off of him," Alice said quickly. She looked directly at Gen as she said it, but it looked like she was throwing up the sentence. Apparently, she hadn't wanted to be the one to tell Gen.
Gen's mouth fell open.
"Are you kidding me?" Gen asked, her voice airy and shocked.
"That's not the worst of it," Georgina continued.
Of course you want to keep talking about it, Gen thought as she turned a bit towards the beautiful blonde, you gossiping little…
"That's not the worst?" Gen asked. Her heart had flopped out of her body feebly on the floor.
"No," Georgina said, "everyone thinks that you scratched him because he broke up with you. That you just lost it and attacked him." Gen let out a small breath and felt hot tears rolling down her cheeks. She wasn't sure when she had started crying but it happened. She was stunned that anyone would think of her like that. Did no one see her with Remus? Did no one believe how much she loved him? Did they all think it was just a game for her?
"Save your tears, Proctor," hissed Avery from across the room, "no one will believe you now. You maimed Remus Lupin – and no one feels bad for the stupid American Proctor princess." Gen stood up so quickly that she didn't realize where she was going. She pushed aside Alice's desk so hard that it fell over on to the floor. She was beyond words at this point. Such a rage had taken over her body that the tears on her face felt cool and refreshing. She took two steps to Olivia Avery's desk, reached out her hand, and slapped the sneering, ugly girl across the face. It was a resounding echo and silence fell over the room.
"You're a disgusting pig," Gen said. She turned and ran from the room, tears running down her face freely. She tried to barrel through the students coming through the door but was held up. When she finally passed the threshold she tore up the hall the fastest she could run. Gen had never been particularly athletic, but at the speed she was running through the halls one would imagine she had Olympic potential.
She ran out into the courtyard and through the main entrance of the school. Reaching the footbridge that connected to the Owlery Gen lost her energy, only crossing half way up the bridge. She was sobbing and trying to catch her breath at the same time, and it was a nearly impossible thing to do both. She sank down against the wood and wrapped her arms around her body, the air cold. Shuddering and shaking, it took her a long while to calm down. The wind whipped at her face and hair, her mind racing all the while with thoughts about what was going on in her life.
What is all of this coming to? she asked herself, bitterly. Wiping at her face seemed to only multiply her tears. I thought I had found some place different. With someone different.
Her entire chest hurt. There was an indescribable pain building there, like someone was hallowing out her heart.
Gen skipped two more classes that day.
It took a search party of Alice, Frank, Andrea and Peter to find her. Gen wasn't overly thrilled to see Peter, but she went back inside with her friends for lunch nonetheless.
It didn't matter where she went. The whispers and dislike haunted her every step. Gen didn't have a reaction like she had on that day in class, and apparently Avery hadn't gone running off to Slughorn and told because none of the Professors approached her about it, nor took any of the Gryffindor House points.
Remus still evaded her. She saw him even less that she saw him the week before, and it was always with his back to her.
She refused to interact with the Marauders. Sirius and James repeatedly attempted to speak to her, but it was simply too painful for Gen. She knew they couldn't convince Remus to speak to her anymore than Alice could convince Gen she wasn't in love with Frank.
Gen nearly caved several times in telling Alice. Alice never pressed her, but when her best friend would happen upon another tearful moment of silence, Alice would wrap her arms around Gen and ask what was going on. She would assure Gen that she could tell her, that Alice would never stop being her friend even if she turned Alice's cat, Jeremiah, into a toad.
All Gen could say was that she wasn't ready to talk about it. She didn't know what else she could say.
The second week of December brought no comfort or relief to Gen. She knew that she would be going home for Christmas soon and that she could go a few weeks knowing that Remus wasn't avoiding her intentionally. None of this brought her any comfort because she dreaded having to explain to her mother that Remus and she were no longer together and that everyone thought she had tried to kill him.
It was a Wednesday, and it had been particularly hard for Gen that day. Everyone seemed to be in a foul mood, including her friends. Catherine and Andrea were being testy again, and Georgina was toying with Sirius once more so she was being rather needy. Sirius was brooding and James and Lily were occupied with the strange dance they were doing around each other's feelings.
Had it been any other day Gen would have thought that this was adorable, and would be feeling reassured about the bet she had placed on them. Finally, Remus, Frank and Peter joined the group at dinner and she had to use all over her spirit to keep her eyes locked on her plate. She riffled with her peas, arranging them into various shapes. Piling them on to her mashed potatoes, she heard a whistle on the opposite side of the table. It was a Ravenclaw girl by the name of Natalie MacMillan, and she was trying to get Remus' attention.
"Remus!" Gen watched as he turned to her and she raised an eyebrow at him. "I think you're a decent human being to still sit at the same table as her. After what she did to you."
Gen couldn't see his face, but she and Natalie locked eyes and Gen dropped her fork. She felt Alice grip her robes to restrain her in case she flew off the handle again, but she knew she wouldn't. Natalie and her friends laughed as she turned back, and Gen reverted her eyes back to Remus. He looked back down at his plate and started eating like nothing had happened.
He didn't even argue with her. Gen felt like she had been smacked across the face. She picked up her napkin from her lap and threw it angrily down on the table.
"How dare you," she said, her voice cracking. The boys looked up at her, but Remus kept his eyes trained on his plate. "Remus John Lupin, I am speaking to you." Remus straightened up and placed his fork down on the table. Finally, he lifted his eyes to hers and she was startled by the emptiness she found in those chocolate pools. He stood, collecting the small book he was reading and began to walk out of the hall.
"Oh no you don't," Gen said, rising and walking out after him. She had to jog through the door to catch up with him, finally getting him in her line of vision near the changing staircases. "Remus! Turn around and face me! You can't keep running away forever! I deserve an explanation!"
"Gen," said another voice. She looked over her shoulder to see Alice and Sirius following them, and the distant voices of several of her other friends.
"Remus!" she cried again, chasing him up the stairs. "Turn around and look at me, goddamn it!"
"Gen," said Sirius, "leave him alone." She whipped around on the dark haired boy, face flustered and fury in her eyes.
"No! I will do whatever I want to do!" she yelled. Sprinting up the stairs again she caught Remus' elbow, gripping like death on the unsuspecting. "You speak to me, Remus Lupin. I'm tired of chasing him around and toeing the line like a sick circus act! Stop being a fucking coward and tell me what's going on."
He rounded on her quickly, his own face angry and pained. The gashes on his face had turned an irritated pink color, but his cheeks had filled with red. He opened his mouth and Gen waited for the words to come out but he didn't speak. He didn't say anything to her. She took his arms in her hands and shook him.
"Say something! This wasn't your fault, Remus. I was the one who was an idiot, I never should have gone! I just wanted to protect you!" she said. Her voice was losing its power now that he had faced her, and her fingers loosened their grip on his skin. He looked down at her, his face contorted into something she wasn't sure she wanted to see. "Please, Remus. I'm sorry. This is unbearable. I just want everything to go back to normal." She was pleading with him, and her eyes searched his for any sign of remorse or weakness. He looked distraught and torn; like he wanted to take her up into his arms. She wrapped her arms around him and hugged firmly.
"Please," she whispered. Remus squirmed and writhed, freeing his arms from her grasp and pushing her off of him. He looked down at her again and let out a quivering breath.
"I…" he paused, clearing his throat. "I don't want anything to do with you."
There was a faint gasp behind her but Gen didn't look round. He released her body and closed his mouth. Gen wanted to see a glisten of tears in his eyes but there were none. He took a step back up the stairs and then turned swiftly. Gen heard the soft padding of his footsteps for a few moments but was overtaken by the sound of her own breathing.
Her heart shattered into a thousand little pieces. Everything was over. The only man she had ever desired and ever loved wanted nothing to do with her. All because she had made a mistake.
When her head stopped spinning Gen recognized Alice's face before her. Gen gripped the cool marble handrail tightly, afraid that if she let go she would fall.
"Padfoot, are you coming?" she head James ask. She looked up and saw Peter and James standing on the landing.
"Not a chance in hell," Sirius replied from behind her. "I can't talk to him right now." Gen looked into Alice's eyes and tried to resist the feeling of her entire world closing in around her. She reached out for Alice's shoulder and her friend grabbed her hand.
"Come on, Gen," she said, gently, "let's get you up to our room." Gen had apparently agreed because the next thing she knew they were walking up the stairs, arm in arm, slowly. Sirius gave the Fat Lady the password and Gen concentrated her eyes on to the ground.
It didn't matter. She heard them all whispering about her. She couldn't make out any of the words, but she knew that her presence ignited the fire for the rumors. It didn't matter that none of it was true, or that she was in the same house as them, or that she was friends with most of them and pleasant to all of them, or that she was a human being, or that she was in the same room. They were going to keep speculating about what had happened between she and Remus, regardless if those flapping their lips had seen what went on or not.
When Alice finally sat her down on her bed Gen reached for her pillow and hugged it to her chest.
"I think it's time you told me what is going on," Alice said, sitting on Gen's bed with her. Gen concerned herself with taking off her shoes for a few moments, deciding whether to tell Alice or not.
What's the harm in telling her now? Remus doesn't care about me anymore…
Gen slouched back against her headboard and then tucked her legs up underneath her. She stared at Alice, who waited patiently for her friend to start talking. Gen sighed and nodded.
"It's doing me no good keeping it all inside," Gen mumbled. Alice nodded encouragingly and Gen felt she had to warn her. "Alice, what I am about to tell you is very serious. It can't leave this room. You can't even tell Frank, got it?" Alice's brow furrowed.
"Really? Is it that serious?" Alice asked. Gen nodded gravely.
"It's a really big secret, and if you breathe a word of it I can't even imagine what the repercussions will be," Gen said. Alice paused for a moment to take in the response, but then nodded.
"All right, I won't tell a soul. Not even Frank," she said. Gen searched her face but knew the girl wasn't lying.
"Remus is a werewolf," Gen said in hushed tones. Alice's eyes widened and her brow rose in her disbelief.
"What?" she asked. Gen nodded and swallowed.
I hope I'm doing the right thing.
"Yes, he was bitten when he was a kid when his dad offended Fenrir Greyback," Gen said. Alice stared in shock as her mind pieced everything together.
"Wow," Alice replied. "That actually makes so much sense." Gen nodded.
"I know. There's more to it, though Alice. Just listen," Gen said. "The boys help Remus every month. Remus goes to a place that the school found him so he can change, but he used to hurt himself so much. When the boys found out they decided to help him and I really can't tell you how but every month they do it and bring him back to the Hospital Wing. They have a map that helps them in and out of the school, and it's imperative that nobody finds out that they have it. When I left with Lily last Monday I found the map on the ground in one of the corridors. So, being an idiot, I went to the place and brought the map to the boys, hoping that the moon hadn't risen yet and Remus hadn't changed." Gen hung her head and shook it at the memories. She swallowed down her tears and took a few moments before she could continue.
"It's all right, love," Alice whispered, taking Gen's hand. Gen looked at her and gave a weak smile that Alice reciprocated.
"I thought I had heard their voices. All I wanted to do was leave it somewhere they would find it so that Filch wouldn't get to it," her voice was shaking again, this being the first time she had gotten it out since any of it happened. "When I got there I didn't see anybody, so I dropped the map. But then there was this crash in the other room and I got nervous so I called out. I was so afraid when I saw him – he had already transformed and he looked absolutely formidable. Lily told me to jump back into the passageway we came from but he charged me when I broke eye contact with him. He caught me in his body and I was thrown into the wall. That's how I got hurt."
"Oh my goodness, Gen, you're lucky you weren't killed," Alice said in a whisper. Her skin had gone pale in the story and Gen found it harder to hold back her tears. She wasn't even sure why she wanted to cry, she just did.
"I was lucky, I know. That's not the worst of it, Alice. He thinks he can't come near me because of something that's my fault. He's convinced himself that he can't be trusted and that he'll only hurt me. He obviously doesn't care that it was my fault and that I'd never let it happen again," Gen said the last part with struggle, and she wrapped her arm tightly around her pillow. What had she done? She'd made such a mistake – she should have known Remus would react this way.
"Gen," Alice cooed, scooting closer to her friend. "It's all right. You're going to be all right." Gen laughed curtly.
"I don't know, Alice. I've never had to recover from heart break before."
The train whistle blew loudly through the bitter air of December. Gen stared into McNutters cage as the train jerked into motion. She was sitting closest to the window, like she preferred, and was daydreaming.
She hadn't looked at Remus since their episode.
She didn't look at his friends, and the only room she stayed where he was their classes together. Transfiguration was painful, and she had to copy Alice's notes three times since he had told her they weren't together anymore.
Since he told her that he wanted nothing to do with her anymore.
Outside of Frank and Alice, she had been keeping to herself most of the time. They sat in the compartment with her, Frank already dozing off and Alice reading Gen's copy of A Tale of Two Cities. She had been engrossed in it for the last few days, and Gen told her she could borrow it over the holiday break. Alice gasped softly at what she was reading and Gen smiled faintly at her friend. She turned back to the window and wiped away some of the fog on the glass. She could see a few last minute students hurrying in the snow to get on the train.
The rumors hadn't died down, especially after word of their very public argument hit the classrooms. The name calling had ceased for the time being because one of the Slytherin students had points taken off by Lily.
Gen hadn't seen much of Lily since she entered the Hospital Wing. While she still liked Lily and was hoping that she and James would get together some time soon, she thought it rather strange that Lily should just disappear like that – especially since the girl lied for her when she was brought up to the hospital.
The compartment door opened and Gen didn't bother to look, figuring that it was Georgina or Catherine.
"Proctor," she heard. Looking up with disdain she found Sirius smiling at her. She raised an unamused brow and waited for him to speak. "Come look at this." She stood and went to the door to see what he was looking at.
There, standing in the hallway facing each other was none other than James and Lily. She was laughing about something he had said and he was smiling at her. She looked remarkably beautiful, and James reached forward timidly. Gen thought he was going to run it through his hair, but his long fingers stretched out to tuck a stray piece of red hair behind Lily's ear.
For the first time in weeks Gen smiled.
"Come on Valentine's Day," she whispered.
"Yeah, right," Sirius replied, his voice soft behind her. "I'll make sure that the magic happens over Christmas."
Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it! If you should like to leave a review/comment, it'll be more than welcome. I always thank my reviewers, even if they have questions. Speaking of which, Miba: Eek! I don't want to distract you from your exams, particularly math! Hopefully this wasn't as much of a cliffhanger. And, I meant to say this earlier but it completely slipped my mind, Thanksgiving is the best holiday. Ever. I mean, I might be biased, but it's fantastically magical. Just sayin'. Keep reading, love!