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- (13 December 2013) –
It's been a few weeks since Callie returned from Whitman, and everything that happened on that trip was never something that was on her mind. The purpose of going was to get closure, to find answers to all those sensations and thoughts that thronged in her head, but she never expected what happened.
She had moved on in many ways, and her life in general was going through a good time. And even though Emily's death was something she could hardly overcome, she knew that every day could be better. However, there was another conflicting part in her heart, and it was in that, that she desperately needed clarity.
. . .
Before deciding to go to Whitman, there was much that confused her.
Callie felt very alone and felt the emptiness in her heart, so she began to wonder if her life would end like that.
She always believed that there would be no one who could make her forget Laura, she believed that her love and loyalty would be forever. So she thought that the emotionless connections were the best for her.
Was it a solution to how she felt? Most likely not, but it was a way to at least move on with life, without seemingly betraying her heart.
She was wrong.
There was someone who was constantly appearing in her thoughts, but the fear of crossing the limits of the physical, and being trapped in the emotional, was what led to her denial. And every time she thought about it, she was sad that she couldn't have just have one night with that person and to continue as if nothing had happened.
Arizona didn't deserve it.
Because, yes, she had to admit that Arizona had been in her thoughts in that way before going to the beach.
She didn't even understand why she decided to invite her. She told herself that it was because she needed support, because it wouldn't be easy going back to that place. Was it the best idea, when she was part of her conflict? Maybe not, but without knowing why, she avoided asking herself more questions, and simply invited her.
. . .
Going to Whitman was far from what it was supposed to be, or what she thought would be. Her journey met a multitude of different emotions when faced with the past and present.
The past that she thought she should honour and that she couldn't let go of, and the present that she wanted so much, but at the same time denied just as much.
She saw herself in the midst of tumultuous feelings that met and clashed like two enemy ships, but destiny, which is so wise, knew that perhaps it would be the only way to finally make her see clearly.
In principle, the journey, and the first part of her stay on the beach was a constant patter of memories, and the sadness was a faithful companion.
Then came introspection, a moment to think more calmly, and somehow be able to smile at the good memories.
Later the relief, the opening, and sharing of what she had kept to herself. Memories of experiences and dreams interrupted.
Soon came a strange release of the pain, which for so long she had contained only for her to feel. It had definitely been good to talk.
Then the unexpected, the time when everything in her head disappeared, where memories were lost and fears flew away; an encounter that was beyond any planning or thought; something that came about spontaneously and unexpectedly.
She was attracted to Arizona and the tension between them was always on the edge. But that night was different, it was a moment where she'd been able to feel again, where it felt like her heart had began to beat again. It wasn't just sex, not that night, there was something more. She was aware of it, and that was what hit her so hard when she woke up.
Arizona and Laura, both faced each other in her thoughts that morning, and guilt grew when she realized that what had happened was something that had been special.
She wanted to run from those feelings as she felt she was dis-honouring Laura's memory, but suddenly she found clarity in what she wanted from her life. Because despite everything she felt for Laura, she knew that what happened with Arizona hadn't been a mistake.
Then, for the first time, she faced her real fears.
She felt lonely and her heart devoid of life, but she didn't dare to do anything to change that, because she thought it was impossible to move on from Laura. But her new feelings for Arizona and the night they had shared played repetitively in her mind, but she was still afraid to open her heart.
But like everything else on that trip, the unexpected was what prevailed. Callie, with so much agitation of emotions, had to face her feelings and those of her friend. Because when Arizona expressed what she felt, the brunette ached to know that she was the reason for all that, and it struck something in her heart, it moved her to open up and be honest with Arizona.
She told her about her feelings and how confused she was, but when she made it clear that it hadn't been a mistake, for the first time her heart and her head were on the same page.
She spoke of her fears and her yearnings, this being the light she needed to be aware of what she wanted, even with all her fears pounding.
Callie wanted to be able to go ahead and be happy, and she realized that it wasn't a meaningless connection that she needed. Her life needed more than that. And that's where Arizona came in. Her friend was awakening feelings in her heart.
But when she thought about it, she was afraid, because the blonde made her want more and she realized that maybe she was the person who would allow her to move from Laura, and that was something she didn't even want to think about before.
She had always refused to let go of her feelings for Laura, and even though she was gone, she refused to let her go, believing that in that way she would honor her memory and her commitment forever. Hence her recent thought that it didn't matter if she became involved with another person, if her heart kept away from the equation.
Then, when Callie let it all out, she faced herself.
She realized that she wanted to accept what she felt, that she wanted to move on... it wasn't easy, she didn't know how to do it, but she still wanted to, and that was the first step.
And she was surprised once again. After leaving all her heart exposed, Arizona took courage to ask for a chance, and she was even more surprised at herself, because even knowing all her struggles, Callie took courage and made a leap of faith.
She accept Arizona's request, had realized that it was time to move on; she owed it to herself to at least try.
. . .
Today, after that trip, with more time to think and meditate, Callie was sure that she hadn't been wrong.
The relationship with Arizona was going well, and despite the little time they had together due to the accumulated work, they managed to see each other, and even to go to dinner.
Their first dinner together was long awaited by Arizona. Since her return from the beach she had been looking, in the midst of the heavy workload, for a moment of tranquillity and time away from the hospital, but it had been almost impossible.
That was the reason she was waking up in the on-call room. She had come in search of Callie to invite her to dinner, but ended up lying in the arms of the woman who had been the cause behind her smile.
When she awoke she found herself alone in bed and was perplexed. Where was Callie? She sat down, and checked her cell phone.
* I'm sorry you had to wake up alone,
But they paged me to the ER.
And I didn't want to interrupt your dreams.
By the way, you look beautiful sleeping.
Meet you at the entrance? ;)
Arizona smiled, even blushed and left the room happily.
* I would've preferred to wake up with you by my side,
But I'll forgive you this time. ;)
Of course I'll meet you!
I wouldn't miss it for anything. :)
For Callie, dinner was cause for anxiety, although she had enjoyed holding Arizona in her arms, she felt nervous, as the time crept closer. It had been a long time since she'd dated someone like that.
She wanted to go to her apartment to change, and look better, but she couldn't. They went straight from work to the restaurant. That was something caught Callie's attention, her interest in wanting to look good. How long had it been since she wanted to dress up for someone else? She smiled to herself; it couldn't be a bad sign.
Callie smiled at the memory of that day, for her every day was a step forward, and every day she felt more at ease with Arizona. She was surprised at how well they got along, and not just as friends, but as…. whatever it was they were now.
They communicated only with their eyes, with a gesture, in silence. They always had that ability, but now it was on a completely different level. Perhaps the fact of not repressing their feelings, and or trying to keep them from the other, led them to that level of connection and fluidity.
Although there was no intimacy between them, it didn't mean that nothing happened with them when they were close, because it was difficult to control the desires and needs that were almost bursting at the seams. But neither of them gave in to the need to touch, because sharing and knowing about this new aspect of their relationship was more important.
. . .
Today was Friday and they were going out to again. Callie had left early and had gone to her apartment to change, because she was more worried about her appearance.
She was always presentable, a person of good taste, very concerned about making a good impression and above all, the neatness and cleanliness. But worrying about the details, to add something more from time to time, to put a special shine on her lips, and wanting to look good for someone else; it was something that she had stopped doing long ago…until Arizona.
. . .
The hours had passed too slowly for her liking, she wanted to spend time with Arizona outside of work, but time seemed to be teasing her. Callie had left earlier, but Arizona had been caught up in emergency surgery, and she was left waiting impatiently.
- Hey! Sorry I'm late. - Callie was startled; she hadn't seen her coming. - I was trapped... - The blonde froze as Callie approached her, put her hand on her face and kissed her cheek, and slowly pulled away.
- The point is, you're here now. - Callie smiled.
Arizona smiled; she loved it when Callie allowed herself to relax. It was just a small gesture and a few words, but it made her happy.
- Yeah... I'm here now... - She took Callie's hand and smiled. - Let's go. - They walked towards Arizona car, and she was surprised that her hand wasn't released until they were in front of her car.
. . .
Once in the restaurant, the evening was very enjoyable. The conversation flowed as always, laughter abounded, and they enjoyed every moment.
- It was an incredible night, Calliope. - The blonde looked at Callie for a moment. - Calliope really, I just can't get enough of you. - Arizona couldn't control her words, and thought how bad it must have sounded. Callie nodded and blushed, averting her gaze for a second. - I'm sorry; sometimes I'm not very good at watching my mouth. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.
- Don't regret making me blush, it's just that I'm a little out of practice. - The brunette laughed and shook her head. - But it doesn't make me uncomfortable. It's more... I like... it makes me feel special. - Her eyes clouded a little. - And... The truth is...it's been a while since anyone's made me feel special in any way. - Arizona smiled at how vulnerable, yet adorable Callie was. She reached her hand across the table to take the brunette's.
- All I want... is to show you how special you are to me. - Arizona tilted her head, face filled with adoration, as she watched Callie.
- Thank you... you're really special to me as well... - Silence. - I know that maybe it's unfair of me to make you wait, but never doubt that this is what I want. You make me feel good, you make me want more for myself... and that's something I never imagined would happen.
Arizona just smiled; she was excited to know that she was important to the brunette as well. She knew the time would heal everything, and she would be by Callie's side every step of the way. – There's nowhere else I'd want to be right now. - Both they smiled in unison.
. . .
The rest of the evening was the same, between conversations, comfortable silences, and shared looks.
It was a really wonderful night for them, and they felt so comfortable they didn't want to say goodbye. But all good things had to come to an end, especially seeing as Callie had a surgery booked early the next day.
The journey home was the same as it was at dinner, filled with easy conversation and laughter, which made the trip to Callie's apartment feel too short.
Arizona stopped in the parking lot and turned off the engine. She suddenly felt at a loss for words.
- So... - Silence. - Here we are. - Arizona looked at the building.
- Yeah... home sweet home. - Callie smiled at her response; it was obvious that they had arrived. - Thanks for dinner... I had an amazing night... - The brunette was nervous.
- It was really wonderful to be able to spend time outside of the hospital with you... - Arizona didn't want to say goodbye. - Well, it's getting late now... - Silence. - I guess you should probably head up - She smiled awkwardly.
- Yeah... I guess... -
- You should probably move now... if we continue like this, we won't be able to say goodbye... - they laughed.
- Yeah... it's true... - silence. - Well... then... see you tomorrow?
- Of course, you don't even have to ask. Good night, Calliope, I had an amazing night... Call me when you finish tomorrow, we'll see if you're up for anything.
- I'll call you, don't worry... I also had a wonderful night... good night. -
Both women looked at each other for a moment, none of them wanted to say goodbye. Callie took a deep breath of courage, reaching out for the door handle, before she looked back at Arizona. She leaned forward and laid a kiss on her cheek, both looked at each other and smiled.
They kept their eyes locked.
Blue and brown mixed.
An agreement was made without words having been spoken.
Then, at the same time, they slowly began to lean towards each other.
Arizona was nervous. She didn't want to do anything to scare off Callie, but she felt it was reciprocal.
That was how, after what seemed an eternity, their lips joined in a soft kiss, filled with pent up feelings and emotions.
It was just that, a little farewell kiss in which they transmitted emotions and yearnings. Soon they separated and their eyes connected again. Arizona was the first to speak.
- I could do this forever. - She smiled.
- I don't see anything wrong with repeating it as many times as we want. - Arizona's face was of surprise. - Why are you surprised?
- No... I'm not surprised... or if... - The blonde rambled nervously. Callie did always love a nervous Arizona. - Wow! I'm behaving like an idiot. Sorry... it's just that... well, I could kiss you forever, I mean; seriously, you'd never get a complaint from me... I just thought maybe you didn't want... - Callie interrupted.
- Well, we're together now right? Dating? I know I said we should go slow, but... we've got to move forward someday... and honestly, I really wanted to kiss you, and not just today. - Arizona smiled widely, she couldn't believe what she heard; it was like a dream. Listening to Callie say that only made her want her even more.
- Yes, we're together... - silence. - It's just that, I thought I'd have to wait longer to enjoy your lips again. - They both laughed. - And... If it is allowed... let me tell you that I will make the most of it... from this very moment. - Arizona leaned over and gently took Callie's face in her hands and with her thumbs she brushed Callie's lips. - I love your lips... - Arizona closed the distance.
It was a kiss with only her lips enjoying the contact. It was the beginning of experiencing the freedom to take without restrictions. They would no longer have to repress the need to feel the other's lips; that intimate contact which felt like so much more.
Callie put her hands on Arizona's arms. She wanted to lose herself in Arizona, because kissing her was now becoming her favourite thing.
The car wasn't the best place for their first kiss after that night on the beach. Even so, they clung to each other, much as they could, and the kiss began to deepen.
Their tongues made contact and a pleasant shock passed through both women. They weren't two strangers trying to get to know each other. Their touches were familiar, comforting, they already knew each other, and now was the time to perfect that dance.
- Wow! - Arizona breathed out as she rested her forehead against Callie's.
- Wow! - Callie replied, and they both smiled.
- If I didn't want to let you go before, there's less of a chance of that happening now... - She pulled away from Callie, placed a small kiss on her lips and looked her again. - Why is it so difficult? - Arizona laughed.
- I know what you mean... but we'll see each other tomorrow and it will be so much better. - Callie came and gave a soft kiss, smiling at how natural it felt. - Because I'll be waiting eagerly to kiss you again. - Callie smiled and Arizona was excited, I wasn't dreaming... it was real.
- I adore you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. You make everything so normal and amazing, and I just adore everything about you.
- That's something I've been told a couple of times. - The brunette winked, and Arizona frowned.
- Well, let me tell you that the only one who is allowed to tell you these things, is me... - I kiss her again. - And... I'm the only one who can kiss you. - Both women laughed.
- Believe me, I don't want anyone else to kiss me. - Arizona thought she would fall irredeemably in love with this woman, if she hadn't already fallen. - But I think we can leave more for tomorrow... I have a really early day tomorrow.
- Yes, I know ... I have gotten more than I'd expected from tonight... so I can leave a happy woman. - Silence. - The truth is I'd rather not let you go, but you have responsibilities.-
- Good night, Arizona. -
- Good night. See you tomorrow... -
They leaned in for one final kiss, a kiss that was longer and more intense, and after a moment they separated.
Callie opened the door and left, but before closing the door, she looked at Arizona for the last time and smiled at her, then she made her way to the building. It had been a fabulous day for her, she felt... happy? The brunette smiled at her thoughts.
Meanwhile Arizona watched as the brunette entered the building. When she could no longer see the brunette, she settled into her seat, took the wheel with both hands and turned the keys. She felt happy, it had been a wonderful day, and with a huge smile, she took one last look before driving away.
. . .