A/N I had no wish to write the end of the previous chapter in more graphic way. From my point of view it was more of a mental challenge for both of them. I wanted to show the wish and hesitation and continue with Ana's thoughts from the next morning, but I guess, you were not up to that idea. I'm still not convinced whether it's a good idea or not, but for this one time, I try to come closer to you. (I actually don't feel confident in graphic scenes but had planned them into next few chapters anyway. So let it be the training…)

Ana's POV

Can you show me?

I don't know what came into me. There were too many thoughts, I had to balance at that particular moment. All the logic told me to keep away from a man who knows how to use a cane on woman. But against that logic I had every confidence in Christian. From my experience I knew him as caring and loving. He was the one who had picked my pieces up from the floor more than one time already.

I tried to avoid all too powerful words but – he was extremely attractive, he was caring, his touch left tingles behind and in no way in hell, I was going to let him down now. These were only my fears, I kept telling myself and focused on those gray eyes that always kept bringing me solace.

Now he was hesitating and I started to wonder whether I'd asked too much. I didn't know why he hadn't used his weird sex room. I didn't know pretty much anything about him! All the room was red, blood-red, pain-red. But his eyes were calmingly gray, secure-gray, solace-gray. I wanted to understand his path.

After a moment he pushed my on my back and started kissing me. He possessed my lips and moved to my neck, leaving slightly shivering trace behind him. I felt his body closer to me and when he climbed on me, I was finally at home. He held my hands down and I understood his fear completely. I would never touch his scars! I knew that but he had to learn it. So, instead of thinking about my locked hands, I absorbed the feelings of his tongue and lips.

"You're so strong!" He whispered to my ear and all I wanted, was to be even closer to him. That moment I knew that I was able to pull through the Wednesday. I licked his ear, wondering whether he believed the same and he moved on.

There were goose pumps on my body, where he's mouth had left it. I leaned closer to him, tried to get more out of the situation. Then suddenly, with one swift move he collected my both arms into one of his over my head. For a moment I was drawn back into memory standing in a cold basement hands in cuffs, prisoned on the hook down from ceiling.

There was no way I was going to freak out now! I enjoyed the feeling of Christian close to me and I wanted to make love with him more than ever. I focused on his other hand and found it quite seductively possessing my waist. His fingers moved softly, but firmly up under my shirt. But the sensation of his lips on my neck was so surprising drawing my mind away from my waist and suddenly I felt my caged arms way too loudly. I freaked away and he was gone before I had started to wince.

"Hush!" He soothed me. He must have felt the trembling through his hand that held my cheek. "You can see why we can't do this."

I felt like shit. His name was on stake and probably his life as well. I was determined to go further, well at least that was what I told to myself at that moment. The truth is, I was aroused beyond imagination and I wanted him so badly at that moment. My body was screaming after him! So I gave the truth of my reaction, hoping he didn't freak out over that.

Yes we can. I had a trigger.

"Tell me about your trigger?"

Hands tied together over head.

He looked troubled but in my arousal state I simply had to have some relief. I pulled his face in my arms, trying to assure that I would never touch his scars unless he told otherwise. He pulled me closer to him, putting me on top now, so I rested my hands on the sides of his head.

At that moment, there was no room for hesitations. Was only attraction and some primal urge. I didn't think of being a slut. That moment I wanted to belive his earlier words "most people find sex as a good thing and orgasm as a pleasure." It started to make sense when he freed me from my clothing.

But again I was abruptly brought down, when he touched my nipple and pinched it gently. I shivered all over the body. I was craving something that seemed to be so far to reach, because every time he went to explore more, there was some trigger ahead and I had no power over those.

They said I have tender nipples. Really responsive ones.

I wrote my trigger down once more and Christian smiled.

"May I kiss them?" he asked. "I promise not to hurt you."

I nodded slowly and it was all he needed. He pushed me on my back, added an extra pillow under my head and went to kiss my left nipple. I closed my eyes and stiffed. He stopped, leaned closer and whispered:

"Look at me!" And I looked. I let myself drown into his solace-grey eyes. He never looked away! Not when he retreated his body back to my breasts. Not, when he traced his tongue around my left nipple, when he draw a wet path between my breasts. He blew on the wet ring, surrounding my right nipple and I gasped over the sensation.

"Look at me!" he reminded me and sucked my nipple into his mouth. Butterflies in my stomach made their storm dance and I felt every muscle behind that strangely kept hymen. Only few moments after Christian let me go, laid back next to me and cupped my chin.

"You are the bravest, most beautiful girl, ever!" he stated.

Don't stop! I bled.

"But I had to." He gave me sad smile. "I want you to feel good and activating all the next triggers wouldn't work in my favor."

I gave him a puzzled look.

"You were already on the edge to come. But I bet, there would have been bad memories under it. You are way more than perfect breasts!"

But I enjoyed your mouth! I tried to protest. Oh, I needed him way too much.

"It's like tickling. Most people find some light tickling fun and really enjoyable. But when done by person you won't trust or it's simply done by too long, then it's considered to be real torture. Now the difference between vanilla and BDSM relationship goes through the line of trust and improving. I studied your trigger, but instead of leaving it to be, I tried to find a way to push it a little. If you think of tickling, then the moment you start saying stop, you probably would enjoy it for few more moments. The limits you think you have and the ones you truly have are not the same and in some areas, by showing you that you were wrong in your self-image, will push your real boarder as well. I will never want to push you too much or in wrong direction!"

He leaned to kiss me and I didn't give him another chance. I grabbed his hair and pulled him closer, opening my mouth for his tongue. He roamed hos hands over my naked upper body and started to trace the waist of my jeans. In a moments click my hands went down, opened his jeans and he pushed them off. He returned the favor, but when his hand started to trace the tickling line on my thigh, I called for a pause. I didn't want to freak out again! I wanted him, all of him around me, in me, on me and whatever word you could use for possessing and being possessed.

I know you won't harm me. But I need to tell you that I'm terrified when anyone gets close to my scar.

"Trust me!" He smiled me and moved between my legs. It was the hardest thing to do that night but I didn't freak out. He must have felt my stiffness, so he pulled his hands over my stomach, traced them around my hips and let them rest on my bottom cheeks. He pulled me upward, his fingers massaging and squeezing, his lips went straight down between my legs and I felt his tongue playing with my clit. I shook my head and put my finger into his hair. I tried to pull him up, afraid that too intense playing might trigger some more. And I really didn't need any warm up! I was as ready as I could. I mouthed one "please" to him and he agreed.

In no time at all he was out oh his underwear and already adding a condom. He looked huge and for a moment I was afraid that it would be painful, but my body was more than ready, craving him to be inside me. After my nod he entered with one determined move and stilled. It hurt as a bitch! But for my amazement the pain went aside leaving only the feeling of fullness and desire. I moved my hips for a cue and he started to move again.

"Don't close your eyes!" he whispered seductively and I had no intention to do so. I still remember his hands on my body that night. I remember his harsh breathing and our sweat coming as one. I held his arms and kept my eyes on his. There was so much love in his eyes that even if I was doubting my love earlier I then fell even deeper into him.

He held me firmly as I came. And after few more moves he came down by calling my name. I felt tears, happy tears in my eyes. And then these others, because I wasn't able to call his name when I wanted to worship him with all of me.

"Don't cry!" he hushed me and cuddled in with me.

Happy ones. I wrote and smiled to him.

"You, my girl are way to good for me!" He kissed me and held closer.

We talked more at that night and explained me some aspects of his previous relationships. I wasn't sure I could do something like that in long term, but I knew I was able to remain sanity and go through Wednesday. I trusted him. I was falling in love with him.

Christian woke up before six o'clock and stood up.

"You should sleep!" he whispered and kissed my forehead. I did agree with that but I wanted to show him my newfound trust. I searched for my tablet and tapped:

Wait!

"What?" he asked me and I gave him the password for the second folder of my diary.

Diary 2

After summer vacation it all started to go down the hill. I had just spent a month with Ray and when I got back nr.3 started to show his real face. No I was not good enough in anything.

On my first day at school he asked me to change three times before I was up to his standards. Well, his standards meant long-sleeves and jeans that weren't tight. When I got ready, I was "awarded" with cynical look and comment:

"You really are average. No beauty to look, so it probably never made a change whether you dressed as a slut or not."

I was ashamed and the seed was there. Did I really look as average? I wanted to believe I was beautiful! Which girl wouldn't?

end of diary

I slept in Christian's bed for some more hours and tried to work through all the information I got previous night. It seemed to be more and more like comparison. Like we always felt only the strongest pain or like a simple smile could lift you so high after a day full of trash. Like the pain was meant to be felt for getting more of the pleasure afterward.

I was happy and flying after last night, but would have I been as happy as I was, if the basement hadn't been in my life? Did that also gave the extra boost? It was so confusing. And at the same time made sense as well. I could see the sense in BDSM if looking that way.

And again I was terrified of the pain. No, unless needed on Wednesday, there was no way that I could feel high up out of pain. In that I was sure. As well as I was sure that I could trust Christian on Wednesday. I only had to reassure him that he wouldn't let me out of his sight. Constant touching would be even better. I could be chained to him! Well, I probably would be, I knew.

Don't get me wrong! I was hoping that police will find a better solution and I never had to see any of those horrid faces again. But I was prepared. I had to be! So I made my best to wrap my mind around that new information I had about different relationships.