Stiles was torn. On the one hand he should be climbing off Jackson's body so that they could get cleaned up, but on the other hand, he just wanted to stay plastered all over him. He curled his arms under Jackson's shoulders, buried his head into the side of his neck. They were both breathing heavy, the rapid rise and fall of their chests causing Jackson to slide slightly inside of Stiles's body. What were they supposed to do now? It felt like it'd taken them years to get to this point, but in reality it hadn't been very long. Stiles wondered if that made him a slut.
"Stiles?" Jackson tilted his head, his chin butting up against the side of Stiles's hair.
This was the moment. Stiles gripped Jackson's shoulders, his whole body tensed. Jackson was probably going to ask him to leave now that he'd gotten what he wanted. Stiles tilted his head away from Jackson's skin, turned to look at the headboard they were so close to, but there were no notches there. None that were actually visible anyway. At least Stiles had his jeep, his walk of shame wouldn't take very long, and then he'd be back in his baby and driving home to stay in his tiny, lonely bed.
"Y-yeah?" Stiles's voice cracked, which he hoped Jackson would attribute to something other than slowly spreading fear paralyzing his body.
"You okay?" Jackson's arms came up off the bed, slowly twisted around Stiles's body. He rubbed soothing circles over the small of his back. "Sorry I didn't last very long."
Stiles let out a small chuckle, but swallowed when Jackson's body stiffened underneath him. "I lost it before you. The way I see it you did your job admirably." Stiles turned his head back into Jackson's neck, placed a small kiss on the heated flesh, tried not to think that it might be the last time.
Jackson cleared his throat. He scraped his nails up along the length of Stiles's spine. "It was good?" The rising and falling of Jackson's chest froze in place.
Jackson was worried that he wasn't good enough? Stiles was the virgin, the terrified one, the awkward and clumsy guy. Jackson was like walking sex appeal, Stiles couldn't believe he'd ever had trouble excelling at anything. The fact that he was worried about it made everything a little easier to deal with. Stiles wasn't dealing with it alone, they were in it together. He lifted his torso up, shivering slightly as Jackson's softening dick slipped out of his body. It felt awkward, and so weird that he didn't think he'd ever be able to describe the sensation to anyone, and pretty glad he'd never have to. Jackson slipped the condom off and disposed of it in the trashcan next to the bed.
"Jacks," Stiles said. He ran a thumb over Jackson's perfect face, but the boy underneath him had his eyes closed, seemed determined not to open them. "Hey, Jacks, look at me."
Jackson was barely breathing, his head turned to the side, but his eyelids didn't open. Stiles hadn't ever seen Jackson afraid. Even when they'd been trapped in the school with the Alpha hunting them, whatever fear Jackson felt was masked by anger and arrogance. This person underneath him, who'd taken Stiles's virginity, reminded him of the sad boy he'd found drunk in the grass clutching a lacrosse stick and a couple bottles of beer.
"I can't." Jackson sounded like the words were being torn out of some deep place inside, like admitting there was something he couldn't do was the worst possible thing in the world. Stiles didn't understand. There was so much he couldn't do, so much he was just outright terrible at, that admitting it never seemed like a thing. To Jackson though, the words were like breathing out your deepest fear while expecting to be laughed at.
"You can." Stiles gripped Jackson's chin with one hand, and turned his head back. Jackson still refused to open his eyes. Stubborn, Jackson was so damn stubborn. Clearly he didn't know Stiles very well if he thought that he'd just give up. He used his thumb to pry one of Jackson's eyelids open. "See? Not so hard."
Jackson's other eye flew open and he shook his head to get Stiles's hands off his face. He slapped Stiles on the ass. "You can be a real pain in the ass."
Stiles couldn't help himself. He started laughing, his whole body shaking with it. "You did not just say that considering what we just did. If anyone should be complaining about that it should be me."
Jackson's eyes got comically wide, and Stiles at first mistook it for shock until Jackson sat up so suddenly he almost slammed their faces together. His hands moved quickly over Stiles's sides and back. "Did I hurt you? I told you to be careful. We shouldn't have—"
Stiles stopped Jackson's tirade with a kiss. He got a good grip in the back of Jackson's hair to keep him from getting away. Jackson's body stiffened at first, in shock or something else maybe. It took a few moments, but then he started kissing back. His arms tightened around Stiles's body, pulled them closer together.
"Don't tell me what we shouldn't have done," Stiles whispered against Jackson's mouth. "The only thing I'm regretting at the moment is that we didn't clean up before we started sticking together."
Jackson pulled back, ice blue eyes blinking. "You say the stupidest shit you know that, right?" He shook his head, but leaned in and placed a soft kiss against Stiles's bottom lip. "You really need to get a handle on that mouth."
Stiles scowled at him. They were sticking together, that was a fact. He nibbled on the lip Jackson had just finished kissing. He shook his head to clear it. He needed to get back on track. He covered Jackson's mouth with one hand. The blonde's eyes narrowed and Stiles could read the message loud and clear. Obviously Jackson hadn't meant his mouth.
"Shut up, Jackson." Stiles leaned in and kissed his forehead, pulled his legs in tighter next to Jackson's hips. "I don't regret it, any of it. I'm going to be sore, yeah, but whatever. It was worth it." Jackson licked against the hand covering his mouth. Stiles removed it, but gripped him by both of the ears. "Do not give me any of your bullshit, Jacks. If anyone should be worried that they weren't very good, it should be me. I'm the one who just sort of ran wild on instinct."
Jackson grinned at him, perfect white teeth all on display. "You've got good instincts." He shifted suddenly, dropping back and rolling them over. Stiles let out a surprised gasp. "Don't think I'm going to let you set the pace all the time though."
Stiles closed his eyes, curled his fingers around the back of Jackson's neck to pull him closer. Next time? Knots of tension in Stiles's stomach loosened. Jackson's fingers ran along his thigh and up over his side. Stiles tried not to laugh, but he was prone to tickle fits. He did not want to start giggling, and destroy whatever semblance of manliness he had. "Is there going to be a next time?"
Jackson didn't answer at first. He nosed against Stiles's cheek until he turned his head to the side. He closed his mouth over Stiles's exposed neck, bit firmly and sucked hard. Stiles whined and pushed Jackson's head away with his chin.
"Do you want there to be a next time?" Jackson thumbed over one of Stiles's nipples. "I'll make it good for you."
Stiles let out a shaky breath, wondered if there was anyone in the world who could say no to an offer like that. "Does that mean we're like, dating or something? Are we just fucking around?" Stiles might as well have dumped a bucket of ice water on Jackson. He recoiled so quickly it made Stiles's head spin. He sat back on his ankles, between Stiles's legs. He looked down at himself, seemingly just realizing the state he was in.
"What are we supposed to be boyfriends now? What the hell do you think people in school will say about that?" Jackson rolled off the bed, grabbed one of the discarded towels and wrapped it around his waist.
"Who the hell cares what they think? What do you think, Jacks?" Stiles got to his feet and tied a towel on too. He didn't have a lot of experience with it, but he was sure arguing with someone when you were naked and they were not pretty much left you at a disadvantage.
"Don't be stupid. The only people who say that you shouldn't care what other people think are the ones who don't have anything to lose." He stormed into the bathroom and slammed the door between them.
Stiles stared at the closed door, tried to ignore the fist tightening around his heart. Fury should have been boiling through his blood, but all he felt was suddenly hollow, like he hadn't eaten for so long that it became painful. He walked over to the door, turned and slid down to the carpet to lean back against it. The wood was cold against his back, but it wasn't nearly as cold as Jackson's voice had been.
"Don't do this, Jackson." Stiles brought his knees up to his chest, buried his face in his arms. "Please." A dull thud came from the other side of the door; Stiles felt the small vibration in his spine.
"Why are you doing this to me?" The thud came again, this time a little bit louder. "Why did you do any of this to me?"
Stiles tried to swallow against the pain in his throat. "What are you talking about?" Little pricks, like swallowing pins spiked through Stiles's insides. "Open the door and talk to me, Jacks."
"Don't call me that." Something shattered inside the bathroom. "I can't be what you want. Just fucking leave. I'm not that guy."
Stiles dug his fingernails into his scalp. He didn't want Jackson to be anyone other than who he already was. That was fine, sure sometimes it sucked, but Stiles wasn't exactly perfect. "Where is this coming from?"
Jackson sighed loudly enough that Stiles could hear it through the door. "You're just like Danny. You can't fix me, Stiles. No one can fix me."
Stiles turned around so he was on his knees in front of the door. He tried to turn the handle, but it was locked. "Open the door, Jackson. Don't sit in there and hide like a coward spitting out bullshit about how damaged you are. Man the fuck up, and tell me what it is you're so afraid of." There was soft click as the tumbler in the lock turned, but the door didn't open. Stiles tried the knob again. The door swung open, Jackson was sitting on the floor with his back to the opening. "Why do you care so much about what other people think?"
Jackson shoulders shook, but he didn't turn around. "What other people think is all I see."
Stiles reached out, caught Jackson's shoulder. He crawled across the floor so that Jackson's back was against his chest. "I wish for just one second you would close your eyes."
Jackson leaned back, and Stiles moved back too so that Jackson could stretch out on the floor with his head resting on Stiles's knees. "Okay," Jackson said. He let his eyes fall closed.
Stiles leaned down, placed a soft kiss on Jackson's forehead. "Is this so bad?" Jackson shook his head, but didn't open his eyes, didn't speak a word. "What do you want?" Stiles brushed blonde hair away from Jackson's forehead.
"Stay here tonight," Jackson whispered.
"Okay," Stiles said. "But let's at least get under the covers, okay? I'm not freezing my ass off during your self-identity crisis."
Jackson's eyes fluttered open. "You have no ability to filter what comes out of your mouth do you?"
Stiles grinned. "Once you figure it out, you let me know how it works, yeah?"