A/N: Not sure if this is considered a quick update, but hey, I did my best and I hope I didn't have you waiting too long.
As I said on the last update, I'm going to post Chapter 21 too quite quickly, but then I'll put this story on a brief pause. The reason why I'm doing so is that I have many unposted longfics on my laptop that I need to post - even some that are just 10+ chapters long - and I want to start doing just that. I'm going to update stories daily until I get to the half of them and then I'll go back to complete them. I hope you forgive this way of working, but it's annoying to have, like, more than twenty unpublished long fics on.
For now, just enjoy the chapter - xoxo
Chapter 20
It's been one of the worst nights in the last weeks. Kurt has spent all the drive back ignoring Sebastian, who was sitting beside him on the bus; and what hurts the most is that after the first failed attempts, Sebastian hadn't tried taking his hand anymore and they ended up walking into different directions when they entered back at Dalton.
There are still lots of confused thoughts in his head and some tears had wet his pillow without asking for permission. He doesn't know why he is so nervous, but waiting makes him anxious, that is for sure.
He should understand Sebastian and, partly, he does. If the situation seems emotionally scary to him, Kurt can only imagine how it must look to Sebastian. There's a voice inside his head that reminds him that he had decided to trust him, so he shouldn't even be worried about these few days Sebastian apparently needs. And still, Kurt knows that there are some things reason can't control and whatever this thing between them is, it has little to do with the concept reasonable in general.
What he is about to do might be stupid and inappropriate but Kurt starts feeling heavy at keeping this secret within him for so long. They had spent the last weeks being together, in their rooms, outside their rooms and sometimes outside Dalton even; so that Kurt thinks is that it can't be all that bad to finally share it with someone. It shouldn't even be a secret by now.
While he keeps his fingers around the cup of his coffee - Rachel sitting by his side and squeaking insensibly about their winning at Regionals – Kurt takes a long deep breath. Most of what happened is a consequence of his no pondering rule because when he had to face the situation with a more accurate awareness, he hadn't been able to do it properly.
Therefore, all that he wants right now is to shake his own emotions from the fog of confusion that surrounds them and pull them out. The moment has come for him to change the games, it's now or never – which are words that Kurt hates so much.
"We need to talk." He murmurs, looking awkwardly down like he needs to gaze gradually and slowly at Rachel. She seems a little upset at the interruption but not too unhappy to discuss.
"Yes, I agree. Kurt, I would have never thought that a boy with such good taste as you wouldn't have fought against that horrible uniform. That's probably the reason you lost."
Kurt rolls his eyes and then looks at her again. When he does though, Rachel's jaw has dropped like she is trying to understand what's happened already.
"You're sad about Regionals, aren't you?" She asks hesitantly, shrugging and trying to calm herself down. "I think you were amazing, which confirms my theories about Blaine and you. You should be dating. I was a little upset when I didn't see you on stage for the proclamation, where were you?"
Kurt breathes in slowly. He can feel the words burn inside his throat and the energy caused from Rachel's curiosity to know that is growing gradually. She is evidently waiting for an answer, but the reason why Kurt is here is that he's kept everything inside and it hurts him. It's probably hurting him even more than the idea of these waiting days. So he's supposed to just let go.
"I was crying outside because I've been an idiot for the last weeks and I've messed up everything." He murmurs while his eyes get filled with worry.
"You were … crying?" Rachel asks unsure, leaning towards him across the table. "What happened?"
Kurt knows from her tone of voice that, as soon as he's going to start talking, Rachel will let her bet with Santana go and just focus on him. Everything he needs is little courage to spit it all out.
"There's this thing … I haven't told to anyone. I think it's supposed to be a secret still, but it's killing me and I have no idea what I'm doing. I've lost control over the events and this is just because of my stupid idea of just letting it happen. I've spent weeks feeling confused, with my stomach clenching; it all started the night of you party-"
"Kurt." Rachel insists because Kurt isn't making any sense to her. She lifts her hands and gets his attention. "Calm down and just tell me what happened. You're starting to scare me. What happened that night?"
Kurt breathes in again to calm down. If he starts panicking at the beginning of the explanation, he has no idea how he's going to feel by the end.
"Sebastian and I had some sort of deal." He blushes immediately, closing his eyes just the slightest of moment before he's looking at Rachel. "Sebastian had to teach me sex."
"What?" Rachel asks in shock, her eyes going wide. She lowers her voice when she realizes she's got the attention of some other costumers at the Lima Bean, but she still sounds shocked. "Kurt … have you got any ideas of what you're talking about? What happened to you? You didn't even want to talk about sex … I thought Dalton was different!"
"It is." Kurt himself lowers his voice. "Except for Sebastian."
Rachel is still apparently upset. She babbles senselessly and rolls her eyes continuously.
"I hope that had to teach me actually means you changed your mind." She growls, crossing her arms to her chest to keep them from swinging in the air. "How could you even-"
"Let me go through this." Kurt stops her, breathing in once more. "When we started this thing, we had rules, so that Sebastian could teach me everything without ever going too far because he was still a jerk that I hated and I … I didn't want him to cross the lines."
"Of course," Rachel replies, "Why did you accept such a deal? I thought you weren't even interested in knowing about sex. Not yet at least."
"I felt like an idiot." Kurt explains. "I used to blush every single time he talked about touching or pulled out his ridiculous innuendos and I started to feel like my behavior towards sex was stupid. And I feel even more of an idiot now if I think that I accepted because I thought I wasn't sexy enough for Blaine to notice me."
"So … you do like Blainei?" Rachel asks, but it's sincere interest. Kurt is sure that this has nothing to do with her personal preferences anymore.
"I liked him at first. I had a huge crush and would you blame me? Blaine is always so amazing and wonderful; even you got it bad over him for a week." He explains, stiffening up a little. "Which brings us back to the point."
"The party." Rachel nods, leaning across the table, with her arms resting on the wood.
"The party." Kurt nods back. "I was going crazy, probably because I drank too much and started babbling senselessly. Sebastian understood and he held me in his arms, that because I was still crushing on Blaine and I saw the two of you singing together like that … I can't remember everything about the party, but I do remember about when we went back to Dalton."
"What happened?" Rachel asks newly, wincing guiltily at remembering how indelicate she had been towards her best friend.
"Sebastian took me to my room and … I thought he was the last person I wanted to see in that moment, he was just going to remind me that it was my fault because of my lack of sex appeal or something. I think I said stuff like a handsome gay guy like Blaine would surely want to kiss a girl more than he'd ever want to kiss me."
"But Sebastian didn't say anything like that, did he?" Rachel guesses and Kurt nods.
"No, he didn't."
"What did he say then?"
"Nothing." Kurt shrugs. "He asked me if he could teach me a lesson-"
"Indelicate."
"That's what I thought." Kurt cuts her and Rachel tightens her eyelids curiously. "But then he kissed me."
"Kissed you?" Rachel looks surprised, but not too shocked. "Oh my god, that was clearly an excuse."
Kurt hesitates just for a moment because if even Rachel realizes that, how stupid could he have been not to figure it out?
"I should have known back then, but I thought that if Blaine couldn't like me that way, there was no chance a guy like Sebastian could." He shakes his head. "Now it's too clear anyway, but it took me too long to realize. I spent so many weeks without allowing myself to ponder that I'm guessing I've lost the chance to try and see what Sebastian and I could turn out to be together." His voice cracks a little at the words, swinging between 'could' and 'together'.
"Tell me." Rachel prompts, trying to stay calm for once. "I still think that the sex thing was totally gross, but … it seems like there's more. Unless you're talking about your chance to let Sebastian break your sacred halo."
"Sacred halo?" Kurt blinks in a grimace. "That's so blasphemous. And I wasn't talking about that anyway. I stopped wondering about what was happening between us and things got out of control. The more I tried to fight my feelings for him, the more I craved every single touch."
"Was it just the kiss?" Rachel asks thoughtful but Kurt shakes his head.
"No. I started to teach him stuff back." He murmurs, and when Rachel's eyes go wide, he adds, "Nothing sexual, of course. I was teaching him how to behave like a perfect boyfriend."
"Ouch." Rachel winces. "And I guess he was better than you expected at it, wasn't he?"
"Yeah," Kurt looks down for a moment. "He took me out, first on an easy date, then on dinner. He kissed me in front of other people, not even worrying about the eventual reactions and … sometimes he just strokes my leg, my hand, and I thought it was some sort of sexual foreplay … but instead he just brushes me, there's nothing more than that to it."
"Wow," Rachel still sounds thoughtful, "To be honest, I had no idea such a guy could even know how to behave with his boyfriend."
"He's sweet," Kurt looks up to her again, not letting himself think about the term boyfriend too much, at least not now, "I was shocked when I had to admit it to myself. And all those things he does to me-"
"Ew! No details!" Rachel winces.
"No details." Kurt confirms, putting his arms on the table. "Well, I thought everything was going to be nastier and sick. I thought I would never feel at ease, but it was something more than that with Sebastian. When he does me things, he makes me feel good, relaxed. There aren't any anxieties or fears anymore, not that much at least."
"Are you trying to tell me that you don't shriek all the time when … it happens?" Rachel asks skeptically, because she still has no idea how to define what they do, considering how little she knows. "Oh my God! So you're not a virgin anymore?"
"What!?" Kurt's eyes go wide almost comically as he jolts on the chair. He keeps his voice down as he looks into her eyes. "I'm still virgin, what are you talking about? He's teaching me stuff … but we didn't have actual sex-"
"Kurt, it is sex!" Rachel squeaks and even when two old ladies look awkwardly at them, making them both blush, she can't keep herself from continuing. "You're just telling that you guys didn't have penetrative sex, but whatever you did, whatever involves – I can't believe I'm actually saying this – the little Kurt in your pants, it's sex. There's no need to talk to Santana to know that. I can tell you even!"
Those are the words that hit him the most. Do Sebastian and he have sex? He's been so focused on the idea that his body is still biologically virgin that he didn't consider it this way. He doesn't feel like Sebastian played him though, he probably hasn't thought about it either. Actually, considering Sebastian's sex life, Kurt is sure that he would never think this is considered sex.
So, apparently, Kurt and Sebastian have sex.
It's masturbation, oral sex, but still sex.
There is still a little innocent part of him that makes him blush as he lists the words in his head.
"He didn't force me to do anything." He makes clear immediately, just to make sure Rachel doesn't think such a thing of Sebastian. "I was a little hesitating at first but …" he moves his chair closer to Rachel's, "but I started to enjoy it."
"I'm shocked!" Rachel murmurs, but she seems also a little more understanding, "Weren't you the one who loved holding hands and stuff?"
"And I still do." Kurt replies, shrugging just barely. "Only that I love it when it's Sebastian's hands holding mine now."
They stay in silence for a few moments and they just look at each other. Kurt can see the long process growing inside her mind, as if she's trying to rebuild Kurt's feelings inside her to understand them fully.
"Do you really like him?" It's what she asks eventually.
Kurt hesitates for a moment, biting his lower lip and feeling the familiar pain exploding in his chest. But still, all that he considers is that answering "no" would be much more of a lie than answering "yes", so.
"A lot." It's what comes out of his mouth uncontrolled – like he didn't even actually think about it. Neither can he stop the following words. "It's not about sex. Yeah, Sebastian might be hot, I thought so even when he annoyed me so much, but that's not it. When Blaine kissed me-"
"Blaine kissed you?" Rachel asks with her mouth wide open. "Kurt, what the hell has gone through you head recently? I'm your best friend. If you told me about these things happening, I would have helped you before you found yourself in such a mess."
Kurt immediately thinks there's no need to tell her that he actually had his first orgasm while being on the phone with her, Sebastian pinned under his body with his fingers squeezing Kurt's ass cheeks. That's surely information Rachel doesn't need.
"You would have thrown me into Blaine's arms-"
"Don't be silly!" Rachel cuts him and Kurt arches his eyebrows. "Kurt, it's just a bet and although I love Blaine … if you told me you had feelings for Sebastian-"
"You told me he would only hurt me!" Kurt complains immediately, tightening just slightly his fingers around the paper cup. "How could you support such a thing in any way?"
"You told me there was nothing between the two of you." Rachel snaps back, "Now you're basically telling me that, for all these months, there has been something, and I've never known a thing about it. I thought you had a crush on a dangerous boy but I was wrong. You're falling in love with a dangerous boy."
"Would the only difference be that I'm going to get more hurt as I fall?" Kurt asks, immediately feeling his throat going dry at the thought that Sebastian could tell him he didn't feel like getting into a relationship. That would break Kurt's heart.
"No, Kurt." Rachel whispers, putting a hand on Kurt's shoulder and brushing it gently. "It means that I thought getting hurt for a crush was stupid. But if the risk is for the person that makes your heart beat? Well, it's worth it."
Kurt doesn't even need to consider that. The way is heart beats when Sebastian is not around is just a little sparkle of the thunder that hits his chest when he's there. He thinks back at the casquet along the hallway, wondering how wonderful it would have been if Sebastian would have said something different, something better than 'I'm not ready, I need to think about it'.
"See? If you really feel something so huge for him, there's no way someone could get in the way of the two of you, especially not me, not for a bet." Rachel explains, "And I've never actually had a chance to consider the two of you as a couple because you just keep everything secret," she insists, a little offended, "I can't base my ideas on my prejudice that Sebastian can't make you happy. It's just appearance, you know him better than I do so there must be a reason why … you've caught yourself up in the middle of this with him."
Kurt sighs, feeling the tickling sensation of nervous tears gathering in his eyes, which is probably due to his need to see Sebastian that gets worse and worse as hours go by. Not that Sebastian banned him from texting or something, but he doesn't want to be too petulant when Sebastian needs time alone to think (the pain kills him at the thought that right now Sebastian might be valuing if they're good enough, if they're worth it to give it a try).
Then he remembers he was telling something and Rachel distracted him from it.
"Rachel," he calls her back to his attention, "Kissing Blaine felt different. His lips were soft and perfect but … it made me uncomfortable. There wasn't that intimacy that I share with Sebastian whenever he kisses me or takes my hand, making sure no one's noticing. You know what the someone to your kisses is?"
Rachel nods immediately and Kurt suddenly remembers why she's his best friend – along with Mercedes; she can tell what he means, everytime.
"It's that someone that makes your every kiss special, not only because it connects two mouths but also because it connects two hearts." Rachel answers, shrugging. "I know that feeling. It's like there's no one else in the world you would want to kiss and … wait!" She stops, looking at him more suspiciously. "Sebastian?"
Kurt nods, feeling his throat tighten.
"I think I'm in love with him. It's not just a huge flock of butterflies in my stomach anymore whenever he gives me his attention. That happened with Blaine too. It's just that lately I've caught myself staring at his face, every gaze, every smile, every single breath. Even though a deeper part of me knows that Sebastian is still a jerk partly, I can't stop thinking every single thing about him is just perfect."
Rachel moves in then, taking Kurt's hand in his own, holding it like she wants him to continue.
Therefore Kurt does so.
"And I couldn't tell him because I've been an idiot and I was afraid I was reading too much into things and that he didn't feel the same way about me. So I let time go by and Sebastian asked me for a few days to think about … everything that happened. He told me he isn't used to feel hurt at some things and he isn't sure he's ready for it, or something."
For a few minutes, they stay in silence. Kurt tries to fight his pain, the way his muscles and nerves are contracting, but he needs to spit it all out.
"We were laughing in an empty hallway, it was something silly but it felt like everything, like I couldn't ask for more." He breathes in deeply. "And now I'm afraid that I've just lost everything because I delayed it too much. It seems so stupid but all I want right now is to be wrapped in his arms while he tells me that everything is fine, that I didn't just imagine it, the gazes, the kisses, everything …"
"You know what?" Rachel cuts in and Kurt looks at her hesitantly. "Why don't you tell him now about how you feel?"
"Because he said he wants to think about it. I don't want to seem obsessive."
"What if Sebastian feels as unsure as you feel? What if he's afraid you don't even want a boy like him by your side?"
Kurt winces, a little relieved that Rachel is suddenly supporting him. He didn't see that coming.
"The next two days are going to kill me." He murmurs and when he does, he finds himself startling because he's phone his throbbing.
Before he can control his instincts, he's already pulling the phone out of his pocket. He can feel Rachel's eyes on him and it makes him even more anxious than realizing who's the sender of the text.
From Meerkat (04:31 pm): Hey.
Of course his heart skips a beat. Kurt swallows, trying to think about what to text back, but he is so insecure and wants so badly to know what Sebastian is texting him for. He doesn't even know if it's good or bad and God, he's so in love with Sebastian Smythe by now.
To Meerkat (04:31 pm): Hey you.
He can feel that Rachel is leaning in to spy on the texts but he doesn't care right now, not enough to pull his attention off of his phone. It takes several seconds before he gets an answer, which makes him think that maybe Sebastian regretted sending that text.
Then he gets it though.
From Meerkat (04:35 pm): What are you doing? You alone?
Kurt arches his eyebrows, having no idea of what this is supposed to mean, so he just asks.
To Meerkat (04:35 pm): Why that? I'm with Rachel.
The next text makes him understand that Sebastian is calmer at the information, but it makes Rachel sigh.
From Meerkat (04:36 pm): Say hi to Ms. Pelican from me. How do you feel about going out tonight?
Once more, he has no idea what this means. He doesn't want to get his hopes up because he can't let himself think this means Sebastian has made up his mind. He is confusing Kurt as always and Rachel must sense the tension because she's stroking his shoulder again, which gives Kurt the strength to reply.
To Meerkat (04:37 pm): Going out? I thought we were taking some time off or something.
There's a stab at his chest at the words but Kurt tries to ignore it and to focus on the conversation. Sebastian is communicating with him and – fucking love-struck sensations – he is perfect even while doing just that, even while confusing him.
From Meerkat (04:39 pm): Yup. I've got a lesson for you. And we're not on a break, erase that fucking word from your stupid little bitch in heat head. I've never mentioned anything about not talking or seeing each other, ok? I've just said I need to think about stuff.
Kurt wants to tell him that it is exactly what it looks like, but he stops from doing that. For a moment he thinks that maybe Sebastian wanted to avoid getting into contact … and what if Sebastian realized he can't spend two days without getting in touch with Kurt? Kurt has no idea if he wants to let himself consider that, but it's so easy to do so.
To Meerkat (04:41 pm): I feel like I should be offended at the bitch thing, but I'll translate it into your own language and take it as a compliment. I don't think this is the right time for a lesson though.
"Oh my God, you were serious." Rachel squeaks beside him, not even pretending like she isn't freaking reading every word. "That's creepy. I hope he's not planning to teach you about public sex."
"Of course I was serious!" Kurt says incredulously. "You know that if it weren't true, I wouldn't have told such a thing, that's embarrassing. And I'm not crazy, I would never agree on public sex. I'm not completely bond to whatever Sebastian says or does. I still have my own will, you know." He tries to joke to break the tension and stop his heart from beating so fast.
In the moments that go from his words to Rachel's answer, Kurt considers his own sentence. He still has a will, he does, but lately it's not too hard for Sebastian to melt it a little with all of his purring and whispering allusively. He has a will, because he wants what Sebastian offers – he even wants more than what Sebastian offers by now, but he's not surprised anymore when his will occasionally shifts.
"Of course." Rachel replies, like she is reading into his gaze. "Are you going to go out with him?" She nods towards the phone and Kurt sighs.
"What should I do?" Kurt asks, chewing his lip. "I couldn't say no even if I wanted. Right now I need to see him."
"Oh, such a strong will. 'I couldn't say no even if I wanted'," she jokes and winces. "You don't have to feel bad or that bond, Kurt. Showing your weaknesses means showing to people how they can control you. You can't allow Sebastian to control you so easily. Fight him back instead."
He understands what Rachel means immediately. It's not like Kurt has to fight Sebastian to push him away, but to challenge him as he's always done since they met. There's a long shiver running down his spine when he thinks of the first times he talked to Sebastian – it's been so long; he swallows. When the phone throbs, he realizes how long it has taken for Sebastian to reply.
From: Meerkat (04:53 pm): That was a compliment and you know it. It's perfect timing for a lesson. I want to take you to a place and I'm sure it will be useful for me too, so don't dump me ;). Also, if your highness could dress like a boy so that we don't look ridiculous, it would be appreciated. I'm going to make you live a Smythe-like night out.
Kurt feels his stomach clench at the thought of Smythe nights out. He feels like suddenly whatever Sebastian had done in his life before he met him is a heavy rock standing between them. What if Sebastian slept with someone else in order to figure out his feelings? Kurt just hates the idea of it. He also hates that he doubts Sebastian all of a sudden. He trusts Sebastian and he can't forget that he's told him that he does. Also, he can't allow himself to doubt because if his eventual doubts mix with Sebastian's, it might be deadly.
One of them needs to be sure and as hard as it is, Kurt knows it's up to him for once not to stutter (the way they're exchanging roles would almost be funny if it weren't for the pain in Kurt's chest).
To Meerkat (04:55 pm): No.
Rachel looks at him in shock, and then her gaze dances continuously between him and the screen of his phone.
"Kurtie, I didn't mean it like this," She whispers and Kurt can almost hear the guilt in her voice, "I just meant you had to challenge him and show him that it isn't the way one acts kindly, no matter if the other is your boyfriend or not-"
"I belong to him." Kurt says before he can stop it as he looks at Rachel. "I'm his and I don't want to look like an idiot because of that. I will be his until Sebastian will still make me his. If he has doubts about that, he has to know that his doubts make new doubts grow within me too. He has to know …"
He has no idea what the point of it is.
He looks down as he searches for an answer, an end to the sentence, and his phone throbs again.
From Meerkat (04:57 pm): You don't want to?
"What are you going to do now?" Rachel asks, crossing her arms to her chest like he wants to rebuke him, and Kurt rolls his eyes.
"Everything would be a lot easier if you'd stop spying on our texts. I feel uncomfortable." He complains, staring while Rachel rolls her eyes too. "Anyway, I'm going to show him that he can't just order me around. He needs to know that I'm not the only one who risks losing something precious. He does too."
"Kurt," Rachel whispers, wrapping his own hand around Kurt's – the one that is still holding his coffee, and Kurt knows something serious is coming, more serious, "Do you really think Sebastian is in love with you too?"
Rachel doesn't sound as doubtful as Kurt thought she would. She's curious and spontaneous, like someone who doesn't know too much about the situation, not nearly enough to judge. What comes out of Kurt's mouth though, surprises him more than Rachel herself.
"No. I don't really think so." He murmurs, and he takes a long breath before he adds: "I just know he is."
It vibrates in his throat before it's out and it makes him surer all of a sudden as he looks down at the screen of his phone and away from Rachel's surprised smile.
To Meerkat (05:03 pm): I'm not going to give you half of me. Take this other day and have it to yourself. Think about it. Whatever you decide, we can go there whenever your reflection will be over. You can't leave me here hanging and waiting for you to tell me if you're ready or not to face your feelings, and then demanding for me to do whatever you ask for. I'm not afraid of you and I know you're not afraid of me. You're afraid of changing. It's okay, but I wasn't afraid to change for you. Text me back whenever you decide if you're brave enough to face it or if you want to run away from me because you're afraid I might make something about you pulsate, something that isn't your penis.
Kurt immediately feels satisfied and allows himself to smile (as he tries to avoid the meaning of facing it, though it's almost so close that it's becoming inevitable). He knows that it shouldn't be funny or anything, but he can imagine Sebastian's face while he reads the last words and that makes it hard for him to keep serious. He looks up to Rachel instead, who seems shocked.
"What?" Kurt lifts his eyebrows innocently. "I'm just challenging him. I'm not going to let him treat me like I'm a movie on DVD. He can't pause me and then play me again when he's come back from the bathroom."
He can see the conflict of emotions over Rachel's features like she's shocked and proud, glad but unsure at the same time. It doesn't matter though; Kurt isn't planning on taking it back.
"Well, you could have-"
"No," Kurt cuts her, "That's it. We're both too involved in this and sometimes I feel things that hurt inside even when he is with me. I can't believe he is so selfish to think that he's the only one who feels strange. I might be good with romantic theories, but look at me. I've never had a boyfriend, so love is somehow as new to me as it is to him."
Rachel smiles more softly and spontaneously, and then giggles.
"Oh," Her eyes wet a little and Kurt wonders what he's said to make her look so much like an annoying bigger sister, "You think this is love, it must be serious."
Kurt isn't sure what he is supposed to reply while his heart starts beating faster. He's just said he's never felt like that before, which doesn't mean it is love now, does it?
When his phone throbs again, he's newly distracted from having to face It.
From Meerkat (05:09 pm): Kurt.
Replying is easy and spontaneous this time, and Kurt is even smiling while typing.
To Meerkat (05:10 pm): Ah, text me when you've made up your mind, remember?
When he puts his phone down on the table and relaxes his back against the chair, Kurt is already feeling that much better. He has pushed away the feeling of anxiety and subordination that had been growing on him through the night and he feels like he's the one in power again. He breathes in and even air seems lighter in his lungs.
He must look relaxed because Rachel is smiling and she seems a little relieved herself. The fact that she noticed the change of mood makes him feel lighter with himself, and with her too.
"How about you?"
For a moment, Rachel looks skeptical, like she isn't sure she wants to drop on their conversation and focus on herself. And yet, it seems like the daily dose of altruism Rachel can stand is about to end, so she probably needs to get the attention back on herself. It would be annoying usually, but Kurt is glad and thankful for her big ego today.
Rachel starts to explain everything that has happened with Quinn and Finn, the autobiographical song she wrote and the upcoming McKinley Prom.
Kurt just listens to her while the clock of the Lima Bean marks 05:15 pm. Time goes by and the more they chat, the lighter Kurt feels. He could just stay there forever if it weren't for his desire to see Sebastian. It's there and he can't erase it when something inside him is screaming Sebastian's name so loudly, but he'll survive the temptation as best as he can.
What does surprise him – maybe – is to find out that he isn't the only one who feels that way. Half an hour later, Kurt's phone throbs again, and he ignores the way Rachel seems annoyed at the interruption, to wince at the screen instead.
From Meerkat (05:43 pm): Kurt.
Rachel whistles and Kurt has no idea if that's sarcastic or bored. He doesn't care anyway.
To Meerkat (05:44 pm): I thought I told you to text me whenever you had made up your mind.
He leans his phone on the table and nods to Rachel, so that she can keep on talking. She does immediately, like nothing happened and since time is going by, Kurt thinks Sebastian took his words seriously. But then his phone throbs again.
Kurt rolls his eyes and looks down, selecting the new unread text. When he reads it, his chest deflates quickly and his throat goes dry.
From Meerkat (05:59 pm): Where are you?
Kurt types back immediately and they start texting each other fast, like it's a chain which is destined to end up in an embarrassing silence.
To Meerkat (06:00 pm): Did you not read what I wrote to you?
From Meerkat (06:01 pm): I did, my beloved and petulant snow nymph. I want to come and take you so tell me where the fuck you are before I suddenly decide to walk around Dalton and sell my very detailed diary about our little sexual encounters.
To Meerkat (06:01 pm): You own a porn diary?
From Meerkat (06:01 pm): Not the point now, is it?
To Meerkat (06:02 pm): The point is that I won't see you or do anything you say until you've made up your mind about what you want us to do.
From Meerkat (06:03 pm): Oh but I know very well what I want us to do.
To Meerkat (06:05 pm): Take it back. I meant that I won't do anything you say until you've decided you're ready to face your feelings for me.
Kurt immediately stops but it's too late. He's sent the text already and that has him wincing and cursing for having typed so quickly without even thinking about it. That's not what he wanted to do. This way, he's probably going to put many pressures between them and making everything more complicated-before he can actually end his thought, his phone vibrates again.
From Meerkat (06:07 pm): That's why I'm coming to take you. I've made up my mind.
This time, it seems like Kurt's chest is exploding, no control over it anymore. Sebastian can't really text him such a thing all of a sudden; he has no right to do it. His breathing is getting complicated and he doesn't even realize his fingers are shaking around his phone.
Shit.
When did he allow Sebastian to get under his skin like this? Maybe it's because of all those confessions with Rachel. He's shown the truth to himself too and he doesn't even feel like hiding it anymore. This doesn't mean that he's ready to face the consequences though. Suddenly, he feels like crying and the anxiety of last night comes to life again, making him groan out loud.
"What does he say?" Rachel moves in to spy on his texts again.
"That he's made up his mind and-"
"Hey." Rachel cuts him by putting a hand on his shoulder and hitting him playfully. "Calm down, Kurt. Challenge him. Don't actual fight him but … challenge him at least."
"Should I go with him?" He asks panting and he feels stupidly ridiculous at being so tensed up.
"Are you serious? Of course you should!" Rachel squeaks. "Kurt, why have we even talked until now? I thought we were dealing with the fact that you don't want Sebastian to pause and play with your life as you wait for him. Now would you do the same thing to him yourself?"
"No." Kurt shakes his head. "I don't want to risk. I'm feeling too safe to get hurt. I know this is real and it's not just in my head. He acts like a different person with me and we're both ready to …"
He holds his breath for a few seconds, waiting for the right instinct to pronounce the end of the sentence. Rachel must realize he needs her to prompt him because she does so immediately.
"To?" She leans towards Kurt.
"To get together."
It comes out a lot more naturally than Kurt had imagined and once more his breathing relaxes, just like every single muscle of his body. For a few moments he even feels empty at the confession and he closes his eyes, letting himself being carried by the sensation. He thinks being high must feel like this somehow.
"See?" Rachel shakes him a little, "That was easy."
Kurt nods and looks down at his phone, hesitating for a moment. He looks up a little confusedly then.
"I'm not being submissive, am I?" He asks, needing something to be sure of as he thinks back to their previous conversation.
Rachel shakes her head, but Kurt knows she's just pleasing him a little. He wrinkles his nose and he's about to put his phone on the table when Rachel stops him.
"Do you want to risk losing everything?"
"No, I don't."
His fingers move quickly on the phone then and he starts typing his next text.
To Meerkat (06:16 pm): Move your nasty little meerkat paws to the Lima Bean. Come and take me. I hope it's worth it because I've just spotted a cute guy.
Sebastian's reply calms him but not completely.
From Meerkat (06:17 pm): I'm coming. You couldn't spot anyone who isn't me, Kurt. I know the feeling.
When he puts his phone down, Rachel seems to understand how much he needs a light talk that could help him stand the tension before everything explodes and he does the wrong thing again.
Therefore, she starts telling him about the gossip at McKinley and slowly moves the conversation into that direction so wisely that Kurt barely realizes. The flimsiness of their talking makes his heartbeat slow down finally and his hands stop shaking for the waiting. He starts laughing at Rachel's funny faces and smiling hugely whenever she talks about their future in New York. The hands of the clock move so quickly that Kurt doesn't even realize twenty minutes have gone by until his phone throbs again.
It's not a text this time; it's a call, which makes him understand that Sebastian is waiting outside for him. And how can they not be together when they do all these things that only seem love birds stuff?
It makes Kurt a little nervous but it doesn't last long. Rachel's strict look makes him relax newly. He stands up, gathering his things a little goofily and stumbling a few times before he manages to put everything in his bag. He greets Rachel by kissing her cheeks, and Rachel holds him for a moment to whisper "Everything is going to be okay", before he walks to the main door of the Lima Bean.
He had thought he was going to see Sebastian's car on the other side of the road or something, but instead, he finds his wrist getting blocked from a hand, and considering his experience with being harassed, he's about to panic, especially when he finds himself getting kissed abruptly. He is surprised, so when his eyes go wide, he immediately recognizes Sebastian.
Sebastian's eyes are closed though while he holds Kurt's wrist with one hand and circles his back with his other arm to pull him closer. Kurt wants to fight him so bad, but he can say hi to him like this at least, maybe (Kurt hopes this is an answer though, hopes that it is Sebastian's way to tell him that he chose right instead of it being just a way of greeting).
Sebastian's arms tug him a little and all that Kurt can feel in the kiss is pure need to get in touch, the necessity of him that Sebastian shows him, in the way his fingers arch and his fingertips press along Kurt's spine.
Just a little more, he says to himself while Sebastian groans against his mouth, Just a little more and then I'll move back.
It doesn't last just a little more.
Sebastian's lips part and the hesitant way in which his tongue brushes Kurt's palate, as shy as it had never been, makes Kurt understand that Sebastian is confused about this kiss too; which means he doesn't manage to move back either. It all becomes pressure, heat and wetness, and Kurt is already feeling his body on fire, hanging between an explosion of flaming emotions and the physical desire of him, when he suddenly remembers they're in a public place in Lima.
He tries to move away but the arm keeping his shoulders is holding him tightly and Sebastian's body is as warm and comfortable as it shouldn't be. And yet this time their lips barely brush before Sebastian is moving away to finally look at him and smirk as usual. Kurt arches an eyebrow, unsure about how to read this face because it seems like Sebastian is pretending that nothing happened. At least for now.
"Hey, babe." He whispers, wrapping his arm around Kurt's own, but Kurt pushes him away.
"What's your problem?" He asks and Sebastian's face drops a little.
"Okay, I was trying to keep some dignity before we got started. I wanted to save it before you start laughing at me so much that I won't have a way to reply without having it burnt."
"It must be serious then." Kurt groans, rolling his eyes and keeping his hands closed in tight fists while his arms rest along his sides. He tries to hide his shaking voice.
"Would you mind getting into my car?" Sebastian asks and Kurt can see that he's trying not to be smug for once.
"Is this about sex? It won't happen, not in car. That's lame." He complains and it's Sebastian's turn to roll his eyes.
"That's hardly comfortable." He snaps. "I just want to talk."
"Can't we do that here?"
Okay.
Kurt knows he's acting like this so that Sebastian doesn't win over him, but he still feels childish at the way is replying. And mostly, he wants to know what Sebastian needs to talk about, so it's not productive for him to behave like this.
"Of course, Kurt. We can talk wherever you want to." Sebastian says, reaching out to brush at the back of Kurt's hand with his fingertips. Fucking persuasion. "I just thought it was more … private."
"Fine." Kurt lifts his chin, hoping that Sebastian won't notice how hesitant he is. "I'm following you."
Sebastian nods and they walk together for a few steps, without touching each other, and Kurt hates this tension between them but he also knows how much it hurt to just think that Sebastian might not be ready for them to be more than this; not to mention what would happen if he actually said that. More than anything, it's making him shiver so that he can't bring himself to move in closer.
When they're both in the car, Sebastian in the driver's seat beside him, Kurt takes a deep breath, staring while he sits too. He startles when Sebastian stares at him in the most intense way he's ever done, right after Kurt has closed the car door. It's almost like there are some words written around his irises and Kurt doesn't manage to read them.
"I screwed up." Sebastian says and God, it sounds so good right now.
"You did so for most of the year." Kurt complains, crossing his arms to his chest and staring back at him while a chanting ChildishChildishChildish hammers in his head.
"Hey, don't play the innocent part with me." Sebastian says hesitantly, like he wants Kurt to know that he isn't trying to make him mad in any way. "You did act weirdly too."
Kurt wrinkles his lips and turns to him better.
"Oh, you mean like 'Hey, Kurt! Let's get dirty before Regionals and then let's go laughing along the hallways so that I can spin you around like we're a happy couple?' and then 'Let me tell you about my feelings for you during this romantic little casquet before I can confess that I don't even know how to face them so bye'?" Kurt says, almost in one breath, widening his eyes at himself when he realizes what he's said, mostly from Sebastian's surprised face, "Hmm, not that I think you have feelings for me, I mean, you were just telling me that it hurt you, and maybe it's just your possessive Narcissus attitude-"
"I do have feelings for you, Kurt." Sebastian's voice is sharp enough to make Kurt tighten in his shoulder. Luckily, Sebastian speaks again, because otherwise, Kurt wouldn't have known how to react. "I was being honest. It's what I feel for you and I'm sorry that I screwed that up."
"A casquet!" Kurt squeaks, looking at him with his eyelids tightened. "Do you actually realized what you did? You fucked up a casquet!" His throat is getting dry and tears are pressing to stream. It's not about the casquet of course. He hates yelling and doing so with Sebastian is even harder than it would have been months ago.
"Kurt, could you … could you just listen to me for a moment?" Sebastian asks, pressing his lips together and it takes Kurt a few seconds before he can nod hesitantly and still a little annoyed (it's sort of a shelter for whatever Sebastian might come out with).
Sebastian sits better so that his body is all turned to Kurt now.
"I didn't mean to fuck up your precious casquet, but … yesterday was weird for me. Before this thing started, before you came to Dalton, I didn't even care about the name of the guys I had sex with," Kurt winces though he knows Sebastian didn't use the term fucked on purpose, "while yesterday I had to keep myself from killing Blaine just because he was singing a stupid song with you."
Kurt shakes his head slightly, like they words hit him in the face. He opens his mouth to complain, but Sebastian lifts a hand to remind him that Kurt agreed to listen to him first. So Kurt closes his mouth again.
"I spent hours rolling in bed, thinking that I was disgustingly love sick and all those fucking things I've personally always found ridiculous. I spent last night thinking about the way you walked away from me, the fact that you ignored me while I was calling your name," Kurt's throat tenses just slightly, "and I've spent these last few hours thinking about an excuse to talk to you and just be with you that could allow me to run away from this horrible feeling at the same time."
"It shouldn't be horrible." Kurt can't keep it, ignoring the strict face Sebastian is giving him for the interruption. "What I feel whenever I'm with you is anything but horrible."
"Of course it's not, you dumbass," Sebastian replies immediately and his lips arch into a tiny smile. This smile is a little tired and it makes Kurt wonder how many hours Sebastian had actually spent thinking instead of sleeping. "What's horrible about it all is that it hurts."
Kurt suddenly remembers the painful moments Sebastian had listed the night before. How it hurts when Kurt isn't there, when Kurt smiles to someone else and sings with someone else.
"I don't get it." His voice comes out softer and less annoyed now as he looks down and avoids Sebastian's gaze. "You're scared because your feelings might hurt you? So you thought you could take me out on a lesson, that way you don't have to worry about emotions?"
Sebastian leans a hand and wraps his fingers around Kurt's chin to make him look into his eyes again.
"I've thought about you and the way you texted me back," Kurt's heart cracks silently, it beats twice in a beat, than skips one to finally crack once more and start the cycle again, quicker and heavier.
"And I've realized there's nothing that could hurt me more than being without you," Kurt trembles in his fingers, staring at the way Sebastian's face is getting closer, every single vein in his body ready to explode as he can already feel Sebastian's familiar breath over his mouth. "I don't want to be without you and your annoying voice," Sebastian whispers wetly over Kurt's closed lips, "So I thought I should have come here to pick you up, I should always come to pick you up, no matter where you are."
Sebastian's mouth presses on his and Kurt gives up. Every single cell of his body making him close his eyes so he does. He just enjoys the way their mouths glued together, needy for something that is more than simple desire. It is quick and then Sebastian moves back just slightly, keeping himself a few inches away as he strokes Kurt's jaw with his thumb.
"You told me that I'm the someone to your kisses and while you said so, I thought you were my heartgasm. I didn't say that out loud because it sounds like one of those ridiculous things one can find in stupid romantic books for teenagers-"
Sebastian gets cut when Kurt plants a kiss on him abruptly.
Kurt would want to fight the urge of it, but he needs to do it because tiny tears of joy are gathering to stream and Sebastian isn't even done with his speech yet. Kurt doesn't want to feel happy, doesn't want to let himself enjoy it until he's sure about where this is heading to; but Sebastian is pushing him away, pressing against his jaw, where his hand is still leant to put a minimal distance between them. That is what has Kurt understanding that Sebastian wants to continue.
"I don't want to lose this." Sebastian whispers over his lips. "I don't want to lose the only person who has me feeling this way."
And that's when Kurt gives in.
An uncontrolled tear streams along his cheek, hot and surprisingly pleasant. Sebastian wipes it with his thumb in the blink of an eye.
"There's something I want to show you." He strokes Kurt's face with his finger. "Do you feel like coming back to Dalton with me? And I really expect you to say you do, because I'm humiliating myself now and tomorrow, I want to be able to say that it was worth it."
Kurt bites his lower lip, his eyes feeling wet and full, and he's suddenly aware of how dark his usually light-blue irises must look right now. He takes one last breath and looks straight into Sebastian's eyes, finally pushing away any piece of childish proud that was left.
"It's always worth it." He answers and Sebastian tilts an eyebrow. "Isn't it … for us?"
Sebastian's lips stay pressed together for a moment - like he's pondering - but then he's already smiling newly.
"Of course, princess." He sniggers and leans in slightly, pressing a quick kiss on Kurt's soft lips and finally letting go of his jaw to whisper "Always," and then turn on the engine.
Kurt has no idea what Sebastian wants to show him, but Sebastian has told him Kurt is his heartgasm.
And Kurt is his, mostly, willy-nilly.
And he can't stop belonging to Sebastian anyway.