Fullmetal Alchemist, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, and its characters do not belong to me, the manga was created by Hiromu Arakawa, so I assume it belongs to her. The dub of the version of the anime this was based off of is by Funimation. This is just a humor parody written for fun.

…

Episode 21: The Stuff With the Thing

"GEE HAWKEYE, YOU SURE SUCK FOR LOSING YOUR COOL LIKE THAT! HERPADERP!" Mustang was yelling at Hawkeye for her episode back in the Third Laboratory. Currently, the Colonel and Havoc were bedridden in the hospital, in the same room even.

"Colonel, can you reach the smokes on the table next to your bed? I'm getting withdrawal again." Havoc told his superior. Mustang shook his head in response. "You suck, Colonel."

…

Envy, Gluttony, and Wrath were in the underground base. While Gluttony was sitting and moping, the other two were having a civil conversation.

"WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH YOU, WRATH? I mean come on! He killed Lust and then you allowed him to live! I even bought you the special sword just like you wanted!" Envy shouted. "Now what will we do with all of her copies of Playboy? Or her copies of Playgirl?"

Wrath rolled his eye. "Oh calm down, Brotown."

Gluttony was crying. "Waaaaah! Lust died! I miss her, Wrath!"

Envy pointed at Gluttony. "YA HEAR HIM, WRATH? IF HE GETS SO SAD THAT HE FORGETS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM, HE'LL LEAVE A MESS! AND IT'LL BE YOUR FAULT! SO GO AVENGE LUST! THAT'S THE KIND OF THING THAT FURY DOES, RIGHT?"

Wrath tossed Gluttony a watermelon. The fat homunculus instantly forgot about his sadness.

"Take it easy, Envy. We can use Mustang to our advantage. So now I'll go tell that to the good gentleman, and leave you looking like an obnoxious jack***." Wrath ran off to tell Father his idea. Outraged, Envy chased after him. Gluttony had finished the watermelon.

"… Where am I?" wondered Gluttony.

…
HOLOGRAM
…

Ed, Al, and Winry were still in the hotel room. They were having a conversation, though Winry wasn't focusing. She was too busy looking at Ed while pretending to not look at Ed, whom was engaged in the conversation.

"So now what's the deal, Al?"

"Well what if my body isn't good anymore? What if I won't be able to do anything?"

"Didn't we already have this conversation when I mentioned overeating and oversleeping?" Ed slapped himself. "Sheesh… Hey Winry, can you talk some sense into the boy?"

"I WAS LISTENING!" the girl defensively stated. This confused Ed and Al. "Um… Don't worry about it, Al."

…

Fuery had taken Ed and Al to the hospital room of Colonel Mustang and Jean Havoc. Ed approached Mustang's bed.

"Hey Colonel, guess what? **** you."

"Fullmetal, did you just come here to taunt me? After I even saved your brother from a homunculus?"

"What?" Ed was confused. "No, Al's the one that took her down, he said- Oh…" Al whistled and tiptoed over to the corner. Hawkeye handed Mustang a map.

"Look, Colonel. The room we were in has a radius from it. And above ground… it's the presidential estate."

Ed, Al, and Mustang's eyes all widened.

"But this means… This means that the Fuhrer could be in on this!" Mustang realized. Al shook his head.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. If Fuhrer Bradley was involved, then why would he kill one of the homunculi?"

Mustang and Ed both scoffed. "Come on Al." Ed told his brother. "This is the same man who gave the Brigadier General of Western Command a motorcycle for his retirement. I think it's safe to say he's not quite all there in the head!"

…

Once the brothers left, Mustang's whole team was in the room. Falman, however, was not there. He was occupied being the one and only person present at Barry's funeral.

"Colonel!" Havoc said. "I retire!"

"No." Mustang responded.

"Come on, please?"

"No."

"But I can't even feel my legs anymore!"

"Havoc, quit being a baby! Hawkeye had her back burnt and you don't hear her whining!"

Hawkeye's left eye twitched. "Colonel, that was supposed to be a secret."

…

Hawkeye took Mustang to the waiting room in order to chastise him, and that's when they noticed Dr. Knox sitting nearby.

"Hey Knoxy, what's up?" greeted Mustang.

"Aw s***, it's Roy. Go away, I'm not in the mood." Knox sat there for a moment before coming to a conclusion. "Well actually, there was something I've been meaning to ask you. About that Ross thing that you dragged me into, what the h*** was the point of all that?"

…

"So yeah." Havoc leant back. "My family owns a grocery store, so I'm gonna go help them with it."

Breda was disappointed. "You suck for quitting on us."

"I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS, ***-HOLE!"

…

Breda approached Mustang in the waiting room. "Hey Colonel. Havoc's still being a whiny ***ch. I'm gonna go find Dr. Marcoh and ask him for help. Big Guy told me about him."

Mustang looked up from the newspaper. "Huh? Whatever, I don't care."

…

Armstrong was walking down the hallway, silently critiquing the décor of Central Command, when he was interrupted by Sergeant Brosh.

"Hey Major! How was Xerxes?"

"I DIDN'T RUN INTO LIEUTENANT ROSS WHO IS SECRETLY ALIVE, WHATEVER COULD YOU BE TALKING ABOUT, SERGEANT? OH WELL, GOOD SEEING YOU." Armstrong started walking away, but he broke into a full run after about two seconds.

"Huh… That's odd. Oh well. At least in Spring, I have that day off that I can look forward to!"

…

That evening, Al stood outside the Third Laboratory. He was alone, but then Ed emerged from the building.

"Well Al, I saw the entrance to the basement. It was sealed off with alchemy. Something is definitely going on."

Brosh was running with a paper. He ran so fast, that he bumped into Ed and knocked him over, dropping the paper.

"Ow… Sorry, Edward." They then got back up, and Brosh grabbed Ed by the shoulders and started shaking him. "Edward, run for your life, man! Scar's back!"

"Dag, yo. Hey wait a minute! Lemme see that paper!" Ed stuck his hand out. Brosh picked up the paper that he was previously holding, it was a list of traits that defined Scar.

"What is it, Brother?"

"Let's see… Ishvalan… x-shaped scar… sounds vaguely like J. Michael Tatum… aha! Tattoos on his right arm! It was him! He's the one that killed Mr. and Mrs. Rockbell!" This time it was Al's turn for a reaction.

"Dag, yo."

…
FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Jean Havoc
FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Scar
…

The Elric Brothers safely made it back to their hotel room.

"So yeah Al, we're gonna fight Scar again."

"But I don't wanna!"

"Too bad! Besides, we'll find out if I'm really right about this whole murder thing, and then we're gonna lure a homunculus out into the open!"

"Huh?"

"Well if they don't want us dead, and Scar does want us dead, then surely the two would get in the others' way! So we go fight Scar, and then a homunculus will try to stop him! Then we capture the homunculus and get answers! … Not sure what we'd do with Scar after that, but hey."

"Oh yeah?" Al stood up. "How exactly are you going to capture the homunculus? They can't be defeated easily, they almost never die!"

"Never die?" Ling asked. "Hot dog!" Ed and Al noticed that Ling and Lan Fan were balanced on the windowsill.

"Do you Xing nut jobs have any sense of privacy?" Ed was condescending.

Ling shook his head. "We aliens are above such petty human matters."

"Young Lord, we are not that kind of-"

"The girl and I will help you!"

"All right Ling, but just know that if one of you gets hurt, I'm gonna blame myself for letting you two in on this." Ed warned.

"Yeah, Brother has a tendency to punish himself."

"Don't worry about that." Ling told him. "I just need to help the famous Fullmetal Alchemist capture one of the bad guys, and then I'll become a hero! Then my home planet will notice me and realize that they left me here, and I can go home!"

Lan Fan leaned her head against the wide of the window frame in annoyance. "Young Lord, do you even remember why you came to this land in the first place?"

"Something about crop circles, am I right?"

"I wish Grandfather were here…"

Winry walked in. "What are all of you talking about?"

"Hey Winry!" Ed and Al spoke at once. "Why not stay in Central an extra day?"

Winry considered it. "Hmm… Well it would give me more time to look at those broad shoulders of yours…"

"What was that?" both brothers asked.

"Oh! Nothing! Okay I'll stay."

"Good, my arm might get destroyed tomorrow anyway." Ed was relieved. Winry smacked him so hard that Ed's soul started to leave his body. Luckily Al pushed it back in. Through the ear.

"Al, quit it! Ow! It's not supposed to go at an angle!"

…

Mustang and Hawkeye entered Havoc's room.

"I can't believe Breda didn't find him. Oh well, at least Havoc's still here." Mustang said. "Hey Havoc, what's going on?"

"Still retiring."

"I hate you."

"WOULD EVERYONE GET OFF MY CASE? WHAT KIND OF SOLDIER CAN I BE IF I CAN'T USE MY LEGS?"

Mustang was legitimately thinking that question over. "… How about a robot?"

"No!"

"Oh fine." Mustang submitted. "But until I see you back on your feet and in uniform, as you inevitably will be, I'm going to call you Chickhavoc. Because you're Havoc. And you're a chicken. I'll await the day you can walk on your own once more. Until then, see you later, Chickhavoc."

Mustang walked out and turned back. "If you'll excuse me, I have to put my uniform on, even though I'm still hurt. Because I'm not a chicken. Unlike you. You're a chicken." Then the Colonel left.

"… Sorry about him." Hawkeye commented. "He's only saying this because he cares. … Bye." She followed Mustang out of the room. Havoc sat back and started reflecting.

"(… I need new friends.)"

…

SUPER FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST GO!

Two citizens were bickering. One of them had crashed their car into the other's food stand. That's when Ed showed up.

"Have no fear, Edward Elric is here!" Ed announced. "Watch this!" He transmuted the car and stand back to normal. "Voila!"

"YOU'RE SO SUPER FANTASTICAL, FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST!" thanked the citizens.

FANTASTICAL FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST GO!

An elderly woman approached Ed.

"Young lad, would you please fix this vase?"

"I, the Fullmetal Alchemist, can do that in my sleep!" Ed transmuted the vase back to normal. "There you go!"

"You sure are wonderful, Fullmetal Alchemist."

WONDERFUL FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST GO!

"Fullmetal Alchemist…" said an older man. "My walking stick snapped. Fix it, would you?"

"BUT OF COURSE!" Ed fixed it.

"You're a miracle, Fullmetal Alchemist."

MIRACLE FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST GO!

Edward fixed a construction site's log cabin.

"You're amazing, sir!"

AMAZING FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST GO!

Ed transmuted a random baby's stroller into a pimped out hotrod with a drill on the front.

"You're… well you're just something else, aren't you?" the mother said.

SOMETHING ELSE FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST GO!

Ed and Al were having lunch with a random couple.

"And that's how I beat up some ninja." Ed recapped. The husband spoke up.

"Sir, we don't know you at all. Could you please just let my wife and I eat in peace? It's our anniversary!"

Mustang's car pulled up.

"Hey Fullmetal, let's go talk in an alleyway."

…

Mustang and Hawkeye took the Elric Brothers to the alleyway.

"So Fullmetal, when'd you become such a ham?"

"You see, Colonel," Al started, "we're drawing attention to Ed so that Scar will find him and we can work on our plan to lure out a homunculus!"

"Is that what we're doing?" Ed asked. "I was just in a good mood today. But if it helps lure out Scar, all the better, I suppose."

"Hey everybody, what's going on?" Scar greeted.

"Oh hey Scar." Ed said. "… Wait, SCAR?"

"Yep." Scar brought up his right hand. "Now… let's pick up where we left off." Scar and Ed began their battle. At the same time, Al turned to Mustang.

"Hey can you go make sure that none of the MPs shoot Scar? 'Kay thanks."

"But I- … Well played, Alphonse. Well played. Come on, Lieutenant." the two left, so Al was able to join his brother in the battle. On the nearby roof, Ling and Lan Fan were waiting for a homunculus to show up.

"Is he here yet?" Ling asked.

"No, Young Lord."

"Now?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"No."

"I really think-"

"No."

…

Mustang and Hawkeye broke into Fuery's house. They were on the radio while Mustang was disguising his voice.

"It's-a me! Sector Three Control! We've a-got Scar here! Woohoo! Let's-a go!" Mustang lied. He and Hawkeye kept this up, though the Lieutenant was getting annoyed by Mustang's different voices.

…

"He's in Sector Seventeen?" Douglas asked. "Look pal, I know Scar's out there, but this cake ain't gonna eat itself." He immediately started whispering about himself. "Oh he's lazy."

…

"O hai, HQ." Mustang was disguised again. "I have problem with Scar, he says he's here in Sector Eight. That's bull****, he is not here, he is NAWT. … O hai, Scar. … AAAAHHH! YOU ARE TEA'ING ME APAHT, SCAR!"

…

King Bradley was riding in the presidential limo without a seatbelt, listening to the radio.

"Huh…" the Fuhrer noticed. "From the sounds of it, we've got at least four Scars running about. Did he pull the Four Sword by any chance?"

"Doubtful, Your Excellency." the driver said. "Somehow I find that doubtful."

The limo pulled up and the driver let Bradley out of the car. He stepped out and headed to the alley. Gluttony rolled out of the limo and followed the Fuhrer.

"Sir, how is this blob guy related to you again?" the driver asked. He never got an answer.

…

"How about now? Are they here now?" asked Ling.

"Yes." Lan Fan readied her weapons.

"Hooray!"

"I'MMA EAT YOU!" Gluttony jumped out at Lan Fan. The ninja flipped him over and allowed Ling to kick him into a nearby roof.

"We could detect you long before you even showed up." Lan Fan told the homunculus.

…

"Mommy, who's this fat guy that fell into our house?"

"Don't talk to the fat man, Billy."

"Aww mom…"

…

Wrath was in the street below the Xingese.

"So you weirdoes can sense Gluttony, now can you?" Wrath pulled out his sword and jumped into the air. "I have an eye patch! So I'm a pirate!"

"Huh?" Lan Fan was confused. Wrath sliced her mask in half and got a bit of her left arm, knocking her off the roof and onto a much lower one. The ninja screamed as she fell. "AAAHHH!"

"LAN FAN, NO!"

"Ha." Wrath was amused. "Pirate beats Ninja."

…
LET IT OUT
…

Next time, Ed inadvertently uses his most powerful weapon against Scar. Character development.

(A/N: Try to guess both of the people that Mustang was impersonating.)

See you next time, State Alchemist

RIP - Isaac, Cornello, Grand, Tucker, Nina, Alexander, Guard, Slicer Brothers, Hughes, Chiko the Cat, Ulchi, Dolcetto, Roa, Martel, Greed, Comanche, Lust, Barry