Twenty-one

Maddy stayed through early afternoon, enjoying the sweet biscuits and tea. Before she left, Sigrid showed her what she had purchased from Mr. Naples. "And now I can make a pie – that is if I can find any berries. Of all the things Adam bought in Barakula, he didn't buy sugar."

"Oh, I'll show you some bush tucker plants! They're sweet in themselves and will keep your bowels running if you eat too many but they make a fine pie. There're wild plums deeper in the bush but I wouldn't recommend you go hunting them – don't know what else you'll come across. And I'll show you a clutch of blue lilly pilly bushes almost hallway between us. Caleb loves those and Adam probably will too. Just bring a basket one day and we'll walk out in the bush…" Maddy stopped. "What's wrong, Sigrid?" Maddy noticed that at the mention of Adam liking lilly pilly berries, Sigrid's face looked odd.

"Oh, I just…oh. Maddy, Adam and I had an argument of sorts and I told him I wanted to go back to America." Her lips quivered as she tried not to cry.

Maddy put an arm about her shoulders. "And what did he say about you leaving?"

"To take…" she found herself helpless against the tears that rolled down her cheeks. She wiped them away only to have more follow. "He told me to take more money and secure a good passenger ship. He didn't seem to care at all if I stayed or went."

"Now, now." Maddy directed Sigrid to the settee and they both sat down. "I can't tell you how many arguments Caleb and I have had – I've threatened to leave him many times and he's said he was leaving me and never coming back many times over. But here we are, still together. Arguments are normal between husband and wife, and I guess, between any two people who live together."

"No, this wasn't…" Sigrid said. "I don't think things can ever be put right."

Maddy waited and then said, "Do you want to tell me what the argument was about? You don't have to, but if you think it will help..."

"I want to tell you about it. I need to know if I've lost all perspective on things. We argued about – about how I've changed. Well, not Adam, he didn't really argue, he just became nasty and snide and said things…he said he'd do fine without me." Sigrid pulled out the handkerchief she had tucked into the waistband of her apron and wiped her eyes.

"Oh, I see," Maddy said. "Sigrid, Adam needs to understand that Australia changes a body. He shouldn't be upset that you've changed, that you're not the same woman he married – we all have to change and adapt. When he returns from Dalby…"

Sigrid looked at Maddy, her brow furrowed. "No, you don't understand. Adam seems delighted in how I changed. It's me - I don't like how I've changed."

Maddy was surprise; it wasn't what she had expected to hear. But she listened while Sigrid told her about what Adam had said about children, that she had to carry them, not he and so she should be the one who decides if and when she becomes with child. Although she was grateful that it was her health he put before having sons, it was she who had to manage not to end up with a" big belly." And then, the next night, they had argued about his leaving for Dalby, and finally, oh, she found herself at that moment both hating him and so strongly drawn to him at the same time that she didn't understand her own feelings! Sigrid covered her face and told Maddy she couldn't describe the things she did with Adam, things no decent woman would ever do but which had been her choice – she would have done anything to pleasure him. She had betrayed her upbringing and most of all, with the secret seeds she took, she had betrayed God by trying to assert control over fate itself.

"Sigrid," Maddy said. "You aren't awful or indecent. You're his wife and although what you think you did was, well…doesn't your religion teach you to be submissive?" "Maddy looked for anything that might help comfort Sigrid.

Sigrid sat up and wiped away the last of her tears. "I wasn't submissive. I took control."

"Oh…I see." Maddy tried not to smile but she could almost visualize Adam lying on his back and being serviced by his lovely wife. "Well, he's your husband and…."

"No, not really."

"What do you mean? Even if you two aren't married, well, relationships such as that are very common out here. A man and a woman pair up and stay together for years and everyone considers them as good as married; they just haven't gone through the ceremony."

"Maddy, Adam and I were married at the clerk of courts in Virginia City – not in the church. My father wouldn't even attend because it wasn't conducted by a priest."

Maddy was puzzled. "Well, that's still legal and that's all that matters. Since British law rules here, if Adam would die, you'd get everything, but I thought he was putting your name on everything anyway."

"No, you don't understand – I was raised Catholic. There wasn't a Catholic church in Virginia City but Mrs. Hellström, our housekeeper, she taught me about the sanctity of marriage and the reward of children, how a wife should comport herself and it's not as I've been doing - and that's even in a church-endorsed marriage. You see, because of Adam and Eve and their sin, well, every sexual act is filled with desire or lust, but it's forgiven, the sin of lechery, within marriage for the sake of producing children. But we're not having children because of me, my choice, and so that's a sin in and of itself. And I keep sinning more and more and if I don't leave Adam, I'll become lost!"

"Have you explained all that to Adam, about your beliefs?"

"No, I…he would think I'm foolish. I started to tell him, but then he… Oh, Maddy, I married him knowing full well that our union wouldn't be sanctified by the church and I was fine by that because I thought this life would be better. We weren't in love and so I thought that laying with him would be unpleasant, but then, once we were alone in a hotel room and he was so close and so…" Sigrid dropped her head in her hands. "Oh, I've given myself to him so many times and always found pleasure in it – even the first time which is supposed to be a horror! And now I…what am I going to do? I tried to talk to him about the way I feel but he doesn't understand that I've gone against everything that I was raised to believe."

"Oh, Sigrid. I don't know what to tell you except, well, if you want to stay with Adam and believing what you do, well…there's a little church in Barakula. Maybe you two can be married by the pastor there." Maddy smiled. "And Caleb and I can go and stand up for you both!"

"Oh, Maddy." Sigrid smiled at her friend and slipped her arm through hers, leaning her head against her shoulder. "It would be a solution if…I think though I'd just better go pack my things. I wouldn't be surprised if Adam spent the night in a brothel, if Dalby has one."

"It has two. At least it did when I lived there. But Adam seems to love you – very much. Why when I put my horse away, I saw you have a cow, a Jersey cow, no less. Do you know how much they cost?"

"And that's a sign of love?"

"Out here in the bushland, it is."

Maddy left shortly after and Sigrid, once she came in off the porch after seeing Maddy off, looked about the house. It was so very empty. But she wouldn't ponder it. Adam was coming back tomorrow – or so he said but from her experience, his word was unreliable - so she set about packing her clothes. Fortunately, her china dishes were still in the trunk, having not been needed, so other than a few towels – no, she'd only take a few and leave the rest for Adam; she wondered if Nama would still do the washing for Adam. She sighed and then climbed up to the loft to fold her clothes for the long trip ahead.

~ 0 ~

The next day, it was still raining. The rain came in waves, a sudden, heavy downpour for a half hour or so, and then it would ease up for a few hours and the frogs would trill and croak outside until the next heavy wave. Late afternoon, the rain stopped but the sky was still threatening. So, this was rainy season. No wonder Lije had told them to pack waterproofs for their trip.

Sigrid waited until the water in the yard receded and then, hitching up her skirts, she gingerly stepped across the yard to the barn to check on Hera and Pansy and her calf. She was glad Pansy could feed her offspring as it caused less worry but she could hear Pansy mooing. Halfway to the barn, she stopped, afraid to take another step as something moved off to her right. It was a snake leisurely making its way through the muck. And Sigrid froze to the spot as it slithered across the yard, no more than two feet in front of her, and finally disappeared into the surrounding brush. She sighed in relief, and with a little more caution, made it to the barn.

The food troughs were empty and Hera was restless after being in the stall for almost two days and Pansy looked at her with large, dark eyes. Sigrid, using the pitchfork, struggled with it until she finally caught on how to manipulate it. But hay still fell from the tines and she ended up gathering it off the floor with her hands and dropping it in Pansy's food trough.

Hera received oats first and then she'd be fed with some hay, Sigrid decided. Did Pansy eat oats? Sigrid didn't know but gave her two scoopfuls; it couldn't hurt – she hoped. But there were two bales of dried alfalfa as well. Sigrid decided that since the animals were peacefully eating and Pansy didn't need milking, she'd open the barn doors to the corral and the stalls, and Hera could wander at will – Pansy as well. The water troughs inside the barn needed water so she worked the pump handle and using the old, dented pail, and taking multiple trips, she poured water into them for the animals. Then she rested, leaning against a barn post. She realized she had never had so many of God's creatures depending on her to feed and water them.

And Sigrid wondered, could she go through this every morning and then milk the cow? And once Brutus was weaned, it would be another animal to feed and water. Then she would have to fix breakfast and later dinner for Adam. Not to say, bake bread and pick the vegetables and direct Nama in her chores. She was already tired over what little she had done. And could she do all that while carrying a child as Felicity Flynn must have done? Why did women have to suffer through all that? But isn't that what God had meant when he said in Genesis: In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return. If she stayed, eventually she would become a part of the earth as would Adam and any of their progeny. It wasn't a comforting thought.

The dishes were washed, the furniture dusted, so Sigrid sat knitting; the mindlessness of the rhythmic movement of the needles calmed her. There was a knock on the door, but she hadn't heard a horse. It must be Nama. Sigrid pulled the bolt and put her hand on the door latch – but stopped. She moved to the window and saw a small Aborigine child, probably one she had seen following Nama the first day, so she opened the door. The child, smiling, raised a skinned and cleaned animal by its long tail. Black flies buzzed about it, a few of them landing on it and some on the boy. Sigrid was stunned for a moment at the sight of the animal but then she realized that it was a skinned bushy tail possum ready for the cookpot. "Wiyanga say for you." He pushed it toward her.

She reached out and feigned joy and gratitude. "Why thank you. You tell…wiyanga thank you for me, okay?"

The child, still smiling, nodded and turned to leave, breaking into a run. "Wait!" Sigrid called. The child stopped and turned. "Just a moment" Sigrid said, putting up one finger. She hurried into the house, dropped the possum into the dry sink, flies following it, and opened the sweet biscuit tin, thinking she'd buy two tins the next time Mr. Naples came by – no, no, she wouldn't be there anymore. She picked up a few and running back out, called the child over.

"For you - as thanks." Sigrid smiled and the child put out his grimy hand for the treat. He bit one and liking the taste, smiled again and then took off running. Sigrid smiled to herself – children were the same everywhere. But how to cook a possum?

Sigrid pondered the odd-looking creature in her sink as she swatted flies with a used dishtowel, and decided she needed to see it as food – not a dead creature. Adam had once said something that was from a play, that nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so – or something like that. He explained that everything that happened needed interpretation and therefore, one could see an incident as either good or bad – it was all in how one thought of it. She had to change how she thought of this "meat". A stew would be best but when she thought of the way the animal looked when she received it… Except for the chickens which Mrs. Hellström killed by breaking their necks with a snap of her wrist, all the meat Mrs. Hellström cooked came either from the butcher or from one of the homesteaders as payment for shoeing or repairing farming equipment. But never had they received a whole animal like this creature.

But she set about chopping onions – they needed more onions; she'd leave Adam a list of all he would need – and carrots; she had pulled them all from the little garden. Then she browned the onions in bacon grease snapping in the cookpot. In a fry pan, she browned the meat after she rinsed it and chopped it up, salting it as well. She added water to the onions and carrots, and dumped the meat in and put on the lid. Now she had to keep the fire low enough for a simmer.

She was tired and made herself tea and nibbled on a few cookies. And the rain started again and she went to drive the animals back inside the barn.

~ 0 ~

The overcast sky made the evening appear to arrive earlier. About 6:00, the possum stew was ready and Sigrid scooped herself a bowl. Tentatively, she ate a spoonful and was pleasantly surprised. It was tasty and she was rather proud of herself. Tomorrow, she would make a loaf of bread while she waited for her driver to Brisbane. She would make certain Adam found someone but whether the subject would be raised tonight or in the morning, she didn't know.

The evening wore on and she was sitting and reading the Bible, telling herself Adam would be home when he was home and then chastising herself for letting her mind wander while reading God's word, when she heard horses and men's voices in the yard – one was Adam's and the other was Caleb's, but they were low as in secret conversation. She placed the Bible on the mantle and opened the front door, stepping out. It had stopped raining hours ago, the frogs chirruping loudly. Adam and Caleb both had their waterproof ponchos rolled up and stuck behind their saddles; they hadn't taken bed rolls since they would be staying overnight in Dalby.

Adam clumsily dismounted, grabbing the saddle to help himself stand upright. Sigrid thought he was drunk. But there was something about his face and the way he looked at her…

"What's wrong?" Sigrid stepped closer.

"Nothing – I have a headache, that's all. Leave me tend to my horse."

"I'll take care of the horse," Caleb said. "You go lie down."

"I can take care of my own goddamn horse," Adam said. He pulled himself up tall again, grabbing Zeus' reins, and swaying on his feet, wended toward the barn. Caleb and Sigrid watched him.

"Sigrid, there's something's more wrong with him than just a headache. He looks feverish to me and he's been keeping his distance as if he thinks he's contagious or something."

"Has he been this way the whole time?" Sigrid glanced at the open barn door. The hanging lantern had been lit.

"No. It started about four hours ago. We were making good time until then. We left earlier than we'd planned because there's some sort of outbreak in Dalby. It was just that the bank took so goddamn long to finish the paperwork yesterday. I waited in a saloon for Adam – had four beers and two trips to the… well, anyway, Adam said he felt they didn't believed he had any money at all – we haven't shaved in a few days and the way we look…anyway, he said that the banker apologized as well for his own slowness, said he had a bad headache. We left Dalby early, like I said – about 3:00 this morning – but then, about four hours ago, he starting acting strange, looking strange, slowed down a bit and wasn't really listening. It was like he was focused just on staying upright. I suggested we rest but – we had stopped for a bit at lunch but he said he didn't have much appetite – he just laughed it off. Finally, the horses were down to a walk and he was gripping the saddle horn as if he'd topple over any moment."

"What type of outbreak?" Sigrid carefully watched Caleb's face, her heart pounding in her ears.

"Not sure. The man in the deed office said his boy was really sick and people were falling out of their chairs, sick. When we checked out this morning, the desk clerk said we weren't to leave because according to the constable, Dalby was being quarantined and he'd been told to keep all the guests there. But Adam said he had to get back home; told me you'd think he hadn't come home out of spite. So, Adam gave the clerk some money – bribed him - and we hurried out before anyone could stop us and keep us there, but now I'm beginning it think it would've been better for Adam if we had.

"Sigrid, I'm sleeping in our barn tonight – I don't want to get close to Madrigal until I'm sure I'm not…well, no need to explain." He glanced at the barn again and then back at Sigrid. "Be careful. It may be just a headache like he says but, well, watch him and don't get too close. Can't have you both come down with something." Then he rode on down the path leading to the Morgan's house.

Sigrid walked slowly to the barn but as she was closer, she felt rising fear and started running. Adam was sitting on the hay strewn floor, his hat next to him. Sigrid stopped and then walked closer. His lips were blanched and there were gray circles under his eyes.

"Stay away, Sigrid. Please."

"It's more than a headache, isn't it?"

"I don't know. But…just let me be." He pulled himself up and held desperately on to the stall railing. "I have to feed and water Zeus." The horse was snuffling through his empty feed trough. "I should brush him, rub him down…maybe in the morning. I was up early and…" He gripped the top of the nearest support post.

"I'll tend to Zeus, Adam. You go inside. I made possum stew. If you're hungry, I'll serve you a bowl."

Adam offered a weak smile and chuckled. "Possum stew, huh? Where'd you find a possum?"

"Nama gave it to me, skinned and cleaned. It's not bad as a stew."

He chuckled again. "Sigrid, just toss some blankets on the floor and I'll sleep here."

"Don't be foolish. Go in the house and to bed. You need to sleep inside. It's damp and chilly in here at night. The water's seeped in the entrance and it'll probably rain more. Just go inside. Please, Adam."

He nodded and summoning his strength, walked to the house. Sigrid watched him, hoping he wouldn't slip in the mud and fall. Once he reached the porch, he hugged a post as if walking the short distance had exhausted him. Then he released the post with one hand, reached out with the other, and staggered through the open door.

Sigrid quickly fed and watered Zeus, tossing scoops of oats in his trough and throwing in some clean hay; they needed more hay. Her mind ran quickly as she worked; she could stake them out and the horse could graze all day. Then a few scoops of oats should do them well enough. And cow fodder. She would look about to see what she could fid that cows might like other than using the alfalfa. There was a book on animal husbandry that was stacked on the floor beside the trunk Adam had discovered. She would read about cows and what they ate. It wouldn't do to lose any of the animals. And before she went back to the house, she looked about the barn. She tossed Adam's saddlebags over her shoulder – they were surprisingly heavy. She also pulled Adam's rifle from the scabbard and carried it in her arms like a child across the muddy yard to the house.

The door was still wide open and she heard a mosquito whining in her ears. She waved it aside and walking in, she no more closed than the door than she saw Adam at the bottom of the laddered steps. She propped the rifle against the wall, slid the saddle bags off her shoulder, and went to him.

"Adam," Sigrid knelt down beside him. Sweat ran from his temples down his cheeks and beads of sweat stood out on his forehead. His shirt was soaked, making blotches under his arms and across his stomach.

He chuckled as if he found the whole thing amusing. "I can't climb up, Sigrid. I…my legs collapsed under me. Would you just, please, put a blanket on the settee? I'll lie there."

"Of course." She hurried to the trunk and pulled out two blankets and quickly spread one out on the settee. "Once you're on the settee…can I help you up?"

"No. I'll be all right. Just step away…" Sigrid backed off and Adam, pulled himself up and with great effort, managed to reach the settee where he collapsed, one leg hanging over the side. He closed his eyes and licked his lips; his mouth was dry and his throat was raw. "Sigrid, I think it's bad, really bad. Go to the Morgan's and stay there. Please."

She didn't answer, just lifted his leg off the floor and onto the couch. It amazed her that his leg was so heavy. She worked pulling off his boots and then worked on his trouser buttons, attempting to pull them down and off.

"Sigrid," Adam said, eyes still closed and weakly smiling, "are you trying to have your way with me?"

"Please, Adam. Can't you help me? Roll to one side a bit. I can't get these off." He did as she asked, rolling first to one side and then the other so she could work off his trousers. But the action had exhausted him and when, with shaking fingers she unbuttoned his shirt, he was too exhausted to assist in pulling out his arms. She considered cutting the shirt off him but there was no wound so she let it be. If only it had been a wound; that seemed a far easier thing to deal with out here. Adam just looked up at her, his face gray.

"Listen to me," Adam said. He reached out to grab her arm but thinking better, dropped his hand. "In my saddlebags is the land deed for this place. Also, the silver mine – I've made you the ¼ partner as I promised. No matter what happens, you have half claim on this property. Put the papers in a safe place. If I die…"

"You're not going to die. Why do you talk that way!" Sigrid wanted to throw herself on his chest and cry.

"Listen to me!" He had expended too much energy and closed his eyes. "Please, do as I ask. It's in your best interest. And would you get me some water, please? A nice big, glass. I'm really thirsty."

Sigrid rushed to the kitchen and pumped a glass of water and she realized how badly she was shaking. Adam raised himself on his elbows and drank, some spilling on his chest, while she held the glass. Then he fell back down onto the cushions.

She placed the other blanket over him and Adam lay, catching his breath. Sigrid stood up and looked to see what else she could do. Nothing. She dropped into the rocking chair, limp. Just undressing him had exhausted her. The thought of escaping and running to the Morgan's flitted through her head, but she brushed it aside; Adam needed her and she would stay.