Chapter 21 : Apologise Again
Author Note:
This is the final chapter of the collection. I am sorry there was a break where I was away for months but I had novels to write, and I came back as soon as I could to complete this series of fics. Thanks for all the appreciation for this fic and my others, although I write books in RL I never stop appreciating the reviews and popularity of my fan fiction writing, because this is where I began as a writer.
Once again, some warnings for this last chapter – mainly for BDSM references, and a reminder this story is to be considered AU and is not for the easily shocked, the vanilla, or of course, for the narrow minded. And now, to all fans of this fic: Here is the last chapter.
Thanks once again for the appreciation :-)
Chapter 21 : Apologise Again
The Doctor had been away for too long – his twin hearts felt that way, even though it had been almost a year since he had walked out of Clara's life.
In truth, it felt like centuries.
Having two hearts that ached so painfully made him wonder if human pain at heartbreak was just as painful with one heart– it probably was, because loss of love was something that cut deep in all species with a capacity to love...
As he left the Tardis beneath the shady corner of a tree lined street in a place where the boughs hung heavy, the doctor was glad he was wearing a hooded top that kept the rain off him – it was falling heavily and the evening skies were darkening as the down pour continued.
As he made his way up the street, he tried not to think about Clara as his hearts raced and he wondered how she would react when she saw him again.
He had left her for a while, not too long, the blink of an eye to him – but almost a whole year was a long time in human terms.
Humans adapted.
They got on with it and survived.
That was something he had always admired about her species, yet now it caused him to feel a sense of dread:
Just how far had she moved on?
As he walked quickly through the rain, he cast his mind back to Missy and wondered what had happened to her after she was left semi naked in the middle of Victorian London...
Then he pulled back a little on those thoughts because they were for private moments, and with so many possibilities:
Had she reached her Tardis and got away?
Or had she not quite made it back, had she been picked up on the street, a hysterical mess with her obviously swollen flesh so noticeable?
It was Victorian England.
A woman in her state of mind, tormented by discomfort and numbness in such a swollen and intimate area might have been hospitalised...
And in Victorian England, there was only one logical, surgical cure for her little problem...
No.
He pushed those thoughts far away, because turning up aroused over his fetish for ultimate orgasm control was not appropriate when he was about to beg mercy from the woman who held his two hearts in her hands, even if she didn't realise it.
Now he was thinking about Clara once more, anxiety twisted at his insides.
Maybe she hated him.
If she did, he wouldn't blame her...
He reached the path that led to her door, paused and noticed lights were on, but in the gloom of falling dusk, all he could see were closed curtains and light escaping above it through the tiniest of gaps.
So she was home.
Of course she was home, where else would she be?
He didn't want to let his imagination run away with him or he would start to imagine her back with Danny, or happy with a new man.
He couldn't have taken that...
Then he cut off all thoughts about reaching her, and went up to the doorstep and rang the bell.
Clara opened the door wearing a dressing gown.
He guessed she had planned an early night and of course, by the way her eyes widened in surprise, she certainly wasn't expecting visitors, least of all him...
As he pulled down a rain spattered hood and looked at her, she felt a surge of emotion that ran all the way from anger to relief.
And she wanted to slap his face all over again.
But she decided, better not – not after what the last one had led to...
"Clara," he said, "I know it's been almost a year but I had to come back, I had to see you – can we talk? Can I come in and talk to you? I really need to do this, I really need to explain -"
She had held up her hand, looking hard at him, and that look and that gesture instantly shut him up.
"Why are you here?" she asked, and then she gave a sigh and shook her head and opened the door wider.
He stepped over the threshold at once and started to speak again, but she just turned her back when he said it was good to see her again, and gestured him to follow her through to the kitchen.
"Clara, can we just go through to the front room? I'd like us to sit and talk -"
She glanced back at him, pausing by a doorway that was ajar, and in that moment her face was lit up a soft glow that came from within.
"Kitchen," she said to him, and he followed her, paused to catch a glimpse of the glow that came from within the spare room that used to be the place where Clara stored spare furniture – now the walls were painted blue and there was a pattern of glowing stars spread up the wall.
He reached for the door handle.
"Get in here!" she said sharply, and he turned from the door and went into the kitchen.
The Doctor sat down at the kitchen table, and she went over to the other side of the kitchen and started making coffee.
"You must be freezing, getting caught in the rain," she said, and he said nothing as he looked at her, because this was not the kind of reaction he had expected, of all the possible reactions he had imagined, he didn't expect this one...
She glanced at the calendar on the wall and then looked back at him.
"Of course," she said, "It's today. I knew it was going to be today, but I've been busy...lost track of time."
He was still looking at her.
"How did you know?" he asked quietly, and she turned away from him.
Outside the window the sky was turning dark, and as the rain stopped falling, an early firework exploded far off in the Autumn sky.
She placed the two coffees on the table and then sat down and joined him.
The Doctor looked about the kitchen, noticing something different about the place...he had been so intent on working out how Clara knew of his visit that he hadn't seen the details at first, but he did now:
His attention was drawn to a small item of clothing on a radiator, it was draped there next to a very small blanket...
"What's that?" he asked, indicating to the blue baby clothing on the radiator.
"Clothes," she said to him, "I have tons more, too."
His pale eyes widened as he looked at her.
"Not yours?"
She couldn't help but smile.
"No, I couldn't fit into a onesie that tiny, don't be silly!" and then she giggled, and shook her head on seeing his confused expression.
"Sorry, I'm not laughing at you...it's just that you seem so confused..."
"There's a baby in the house?" he asked her, "Oh I see, you're babysitting for a friend, of course you are – you're not?"
The look in her eyes had already answered that question.
"Not babysitting...I don't understand, Clara, -"
"Yes there is a baby," she said to him.
"You have a small human?" he said in surprise.
Her reply stunned him.
"Not exactly," she replied, and then she opened up a laptop on the table and lifted a silver disc from where it had been resting on top of the keypad.
"You need to watch this," she said to him, and put the disc in the machine.
"But you haven't explained -"
"Shut up and pay attention!" she told him, "It's about you. It's about a time towards the end of one of your lives that you can't recall. You're about to catch up."
And the disc began to play.
He saw his Tenth self and an old Tardis design in the background.
Ten was wearing his glasses and he looked intently into the camera.
"Clara, while you were sleeping I went off and looked ahead, and I want you to remember a date for me. November the first. That's when he's coming back. And it will work out – but he has to control himself! No more letting his games with you go too far! Tell him to keep it in the bedroom!"
"What right has he got to comment on my life?" the Doctor said indignantly, and as if becoming part of the conversation, the Tenth Doctor spoke up again.
"I've got every right to say that, because he is me, this is my future in another life I have to consider, and I want to be happy as much as you do, Clara."
Then he paused for thought as Clara smiled and her eyes grew misty as she watched the recording that she had seen so many times she had lost count, while the Doctor just sat there staring in disbelief at the screen.
Then the Tenth Doctor spoke up again:
"When I said I left you something Clara, I didn't mean this disc. There's more."
He paused again, took off his glasses and looked into the camera so intently once more she felt as if he was looking right into her eyes as she sat there at the table.
"You let me into your mind when we made love," he said, "I saw what you wanted with him, with my other self. And so I decided to give that to you. I know what I'm losing, I know I wont be there to share your joy, but you're pregnant – if you want to be. I made sure of that last night. If you don't want the baby there's a box in the bathroom with two pills in it to stop the pregnancy from happening – but I know you won't use them because I know what you really want – but I just want to make that gesture so you know without a doubt that you can stop this from happening if you choose to. It's up to you."
As he paused again, Clara cast her mind back to the day he left:
She had played the message, found the pills and thrown them away with a smile on her face as she wished she could see him one last time, to thank him for his parting gift...
On the screen, the Tenth Doctor spoke up again:
"I do wish I could have stayed," he said sincerely, "Clara, I would have loved to have stayed with you and watched you blossom as our child grew inside you – I'd love to see you heavily pregnant, to wake beside you and take in the amazing sight of the earth mother you was born to be...and I'd really find you so stunningly beautiful, too."
As he fell silent and gathered more thoughts, and as he sat beside her at the table the Doctor looked at Clara in surprise.
"And I recall my Tenth life as so vanilla! He has a thing for you being pregnant? That's weird!"
Clara's eyes widened in surprise.
"No its not, its normal for a man to see his pregnant partner as beautiful and attractive! I can't believe you would call anyone's tastes weird...you're such a hypocrite!"
The Doctor looked at her apologetically as he recalled something that he could never share with Clara:
What he had done to Missy, and how she had sucked him off under duress to thank him for it...
"Okay," he admitted, "So I am being a hypocrite. Sorry, I had no right to call him weird for fancying you pregnant – I'm just glad I missed the part where you got fat – and the messy part, when the kid actually arrived."
She glared at him, and he saw such anger there in her eyes that he backed down.
"Sorry, again. That was a joke."
Clara was still glaring.
"A bad joke, okay...I'll shut up."
Then on the screen the Tenth Doctor spoke up again.
"Clara, don't listen to him when he goes on and on about his fantasies. Remember how you told me he made you cross a line? Well you need to make him cross your line, set a boundary and don't let him stray from it! Start as you mean to go on and I think it's going to be okay. And once again, I'm sorry I can't be there for you, but at least I'll die knowing a future me gets to raise a family with you. Don't you dare start crying now, don't ever fall apart over me. Just look forward and enjoy the future. I love you, Clara."
The recording came to an end.
Clara switched off the lap top and looked at the Doctor.
"He did love me."
"And Rose Tyler."
Clara looked at him, into ice blue eyes waiting for her response – but when she did reply, she spoke without a trace of resentment.
"I know. He loved her before he met me, so why should I hold that against him? Please don't try and undermine anything he said – he was you, long ago – and I'm going to take his advice on you forever, starting from now. You're here because you want me back? Understand this, Doctor : There is a new line, and this time, you're the one who has to cross it."
"Don't start trying to order me about – you know how I'm made."
"I wouldn't dream of it, not in the bedroom. Everything outside of that, you have to forget about sexual thrills being your priority because if you stay with me, you also have a son to raise."
The Doctor stared at her.
He had expected this to be hard going.
He had even expected to have to beg.
But she had just forgiven him and taken him back.
And the news was starting to sink in.
He was a father...
"Alright," he said, as he realised he had finally reached the point in his thrill seeking Twelfth life where he had to calm it down greatly, "Our sex life stays in the bedroom. Does that include the bedroom in the Tardis?"
Clara smiled.
"No travelling until he's older. And yes, it does apply to the Tardis too. Life is different now. You have to accept that if you want to stay with us."
And she got up from the table
"Do you want to stay with us?" she asked him.
The Doctor got up too, and as he blinked away tears he smiled and nodded.
"Of course I do. Thank you so much for giving me another chance, Clara!"
And he grabbed her and hugged her tightly, and for once in his life, even though he was a man who rarely ever made the first move when it came to a hug, the Doctor clung to her tightly and didn't let go as he kissed her and then held her again.
It was Clara who let go first.
"Come and see him," she said, "Come and see your son."
She led him out of the kitchen and across the hallway into the spare room that was now a nursery. As he looked down into the cot and saw his child sleeping, he smiled.
"He looks a lot like me" he remarked, and Clara laughed softly.
"Stop lying!" she whispered, keeping her voice low so as not to wake their son,"He looks nothing like you – he looks like you in your Tenth life."
The Doctor was still smiling.
"Actually, that's very true. What did you call him?"
"John."
"My earth name, that's okay. Can I hold him?"
"Not yet, wait till he wakes."
Then she went back out of the room and watched as the Doctor looked down into the cot and smiled adoringly at his son. Then he left the room and closed the nursery door quietly behind him.
"So we have new rules now? Kink is restricted to the bedroom? I think I can live with that."
"You have to," Clara reminded him.
"I won't fail you again," he promised.
As he looked at her, love shone in his eyes as he silently concluded that what he was giving up was very little compared to all he had gained.
Then an explosion of fireworks began, more early rainbows of fire lighting up the night as the glow lit up the glass by the front door, standing out against the dark of the sky.
"Let's take a quick look," he said, sounding like an excited child.
As he grabbed her hand and led her down the hallway and opened up the front door, another shower of lights in green and amber exploded in the distance.
"They'd better not have bangers!" Clara said, "It's not even even bonfire night yet and I don't want the baby to cry!"
The Doctor looked at her and smiled.
"I won't let you down," he vowed, "I will remember where the line is. And I'll be the best father ever. And the best husband, if you want to take on a kinky old Timelord like me."
Clara smiled too, and as she kissed him and then they embraced, she thought of the Tenth Doctor and wondered how he had known they would be reunited on this night. Then as another burst of colour lit up the sky, as she clung to her lover and the sky flashed a glow that fell upon the street, she saw him in shadow, standing in the doorway of his Tardis, his hands in the pockets of his long coat. And then the fireworks were gone, and so was the Tenth Doctor.
Clara's eyes stung with tears as a single though ran through her mind:
Oh god, no, I'll never see you again...
Then as the Doctor let go of her and smiled as he looked into her eyes, she knew things were supposed to turn out this way.
"I love you so much," the Doctor said to her, then he ran his fingers through his grey hair and his eyes lit up with excitement.
"I've got a family!" he said excitedly.
"I know!" Clara exclaimed, instantly feeling the broken part of her heart mending, because the father of her child was not really gone, he was just two lives older and wore a different face now...
They went back inside and the Doctor closed the door.
"Let's celebrate," he said to her, "How about you get on your knees and serve me nicely in the hallway?"
She gave him that look again.
He backed down.
"Okay, I know where the line is. Let's go to the bedroom and play."
Clara smiled as she took hold of his hand.
"That's more like it," she said as she led him towards the bedroom.
"What, me obeying you? I'm not that kind of man, Clara."
"But you know where the line is," she reminded him.
"Yes, it's right here."
They had reached the open bedroom door.
She gave his hand a squeeze and stepped in first.
"Come on, then," she said, daring him to seal the promise,"Cross the line – as long as you're sure you want to do this."
His eyes sparkled playfully.
"You'd better get ready to suck it very nicely. And that's an order."
Clara stepped back. The Doctor entered the bedroom, remembering that the rules had changed, and this time it was him who had to cross a line – the bedroom was the only place for his games now, but that was a small price to pay for happiness.
As he entered the room Clara put her arms around him and looked into his eyes.
"Welcome home, Doctor," she said to him, and just as they embraced and he leaned in to kiss her, he gave the bedroom door a gentle push, and closed it behind them.
The End
Well, this concludes Apologise.
Thank you for reading and reviewing and favouring this fic, its had so many hits and the messages I've had have been great, its always good to know when my writing has been appreciated. I will be back soon with more Doctor Who fan fiction, if you have not yet read my other fics, do check them out – I do not often write M raters, but my other, mainly T rated fics, will not disappoint. Thanks for sticking with this story and following it to the end.
Nurse Betty Page :-)