Even though, my relationship with Fitz has been going relatively smoothly, as of late, there was a major issue that we needed to discuss before we could completely start our relationship with a clean slate. That issue was Defiance.
Fitz and I haven't had the guts to talk about it. That was an issue on both our parts. I should have told Fitz about Cyrus' scheme from the get-go, but I didn't. When Fitz found out from Verna's deathbed, he shut me out. When I was in the hospital due to my concussion, and Fitz tried to confront me about it, I was unwilling to talk honestly about it; I was spewing ready-made excuses. 'I was just trying to help. I am a fixer, I was fixing the situation,' I had said.
It still makes me sick to my stomach, to think that I had said that to him. For once and for all, we are going to have this conversation, to lay all of the hard truths out there. We needed to face the issues and feelings that were plaguing us. We needed to confront the issues together as a couple if we wanted to be together fully invested in each other. This wasn't going to be easy but it has to be done.
"Fitz, we need to talk," I told him, as we were getting ready for bed after the gala. I said the words to get the ball rolling, even though there was uneasiness in my stomach. 'No more lying. If I am in all in this with Fitz I have to be honest, laying it all on the line,' I was saying to myself, coaching myself through it.
"Talk about what, Livvie?" he asked me loosening his tie. "We need to talk about Defiance, Fitz," I told him matter of factly. "Liv, it's over. There is nothing to talk about," he was getting tense, his voice tight with impending anger.
"Nothing to talk about? Fitz, we have not talked about it. We have tried to talk about it, but when we tried to do it, neither one of us was willing to listen, when the other was trying to talk about it. I tried to talk to you in the church hallway. You tried to talk to me in that hospital room. We tried, but the conversation never happened. We were both too scared and hurt to say anything about it." I said as I walked toward him in my lingerie. "But now, that is going to change. That's why I am bringing it up now. We need to talk about it. When we don't talk to each other, and what we don't talk to each other about only hurts us in the end. We want to be together. That is obvious. But if we don't talk about the issues and feelings that plague us, we can't move forward. It is going to be hard, but it has to be done," I said bravely.
Since Fitz and I weren't exactly private in the hotel suite, and what we were getting ready to hash out was an unprosecuted crime, if the word Defiance were to come up at any point in the conversation, we were going refer to it as 'the D-word'.
Fitz dressed in his black silk pajamas, began to pace the room as I sat on the bed. He sighed heavily, before proceeding to ask his question. "When did Cyrus and Hollis come up with the plan to execute the D-word?" I looked at him head on.
"Hollis came up with it, after Cyrus' bright idea to bring Big Jerry to the campaign fell flat on its face. Cyrus, Mellie and Verna said yes right away. Initially, I said no to the D-word. Cyrus wouldn't let up. He would pressure me for days to come up with an answer." Fitz ceased his pacing to look at me straight in the eye. He looked at me, with the look in his eye. The confused and hurt look in his eye was asking why.
"This is going to sound like a pathetic excuse, but bear with me. The reason why I said yes was because of your happiness. You said you wanted the Presidency. You wanted to prove Big Jerry wrong. You wanted to prove you were a winner. After Big Jerry's funeral, you asked me, if I thought you would make a good president. I said you would make a great president. I meant what I said. You are a great president Fitz. I was pressured into a yes vote. I was scared; I didn't know what to do at the time. Hindsight, yes I should have told you about the D-word from the get-go, but I didn't. I take full and complete responsibility for that. I am sorry. I am so sorry for doing that to you. After that I felt extremely guilty, and shameful for what I had done. The reason I had pushed you away so many times, was because of guilt for the D-word, and the love and affection that you showered on me so freely, I felt undeserving of it." I paused to take a breath.
"I hate myself for that decision. It was beyond stupid of me to agree to it. When Mellie would mistreat me whenever you and I were together, and your aloofness and distance from me, after finding out, I thought that was my punishment for making that horrendous decision. I wish I could take it back, but I can't. So I am telling you now, so I can finally be done with this, keeping my feelings over the D-word with you secret. Will you be able to forgive me, Fitz?" I ask shyly.
Fitz walked over to the bed, taking me by the hand to stand up beside him. We were standing in front of one another face-to-face. He lifts his hand placing it to my cheek, caressing softly. He smiles at me tenderly. "Olivia, I love you. How can I not forgive you? You and I have hurt long enough because of this foolishness. That is the past, let's leave it there. That chapter of our lives is over. Love allows forgiveness remember? Of course I forgive you. Darling, I love you," he says just before placing a passionate kiss to my waiting lips.
That was chapter 21! I couldn't resist, I wanted to treat you all to another chapter today. What do you think? Feel free to tell me in your reviews! Until next time…Tay