Chapter 21: Chapter 21
CHRISTIAN
"Ch..." Jacqueline starts to say when we all hear my mothers voice making us all turn to look at her.
"You heard my son, get out of my house Jacqueline and stay the hell away from all my family. I should have never trusted you, I should have known better."
"Oh please Grace I understood what he needed. I knew what he was going through and besides you could have stopped him from coming over but you didn't. " Jacqueline says.
"Don't you dare put this on my mother Jacqueline, she did try at the beginning but I insisted on going over and I had them agree to letting me go as long as I stayed out of trouble. Grace did nothing wrong and this was not her fault so don't you fucking turn this on her." I say getting really close to her and I feel my mother grab my hand pulling me back.
"It's bad enough you took advantage of my son in a sexual manner and beat him for being a teenage boy but you invaded his privacy. How did you get access to that information Jacqueline? You didn't know what the hell he needed all you did was find his weak spots and played on that. I never spoke to you about him or his fighting? I know that Elena would never betray my trust like that." My mom asks in a now calm voice. I always assumed my mom would talk about me but I would like to know how she knew what I was going through.
"I have my ways Grace you aren't the only one who knows people in the right places. I just had to ask and I was able to get the information I needed and for the right price I was able to get updates." Jacqueline says with a smug look.
"You think you are so smart but you just let me know exactly who it is that gave you Christian's file and they will pay dearly just like you will." My mom says and Jacqueline cowers away but then she turns to look at back at me.
"I know you still need me Christian..." Jacqueline starts to say when all of a sudden I see my mother punch Jacqueline stopping her from talking.
"He never needed you and never will again. You must have trouble hearing because I clearly heard when my son told you to get the fuck out! You are finished Jacqueline, I will make sure of it." My mother says as Taylor grabs Jacqueline by the arm to escort her out.
I see Sawyer walking in to help Taylor and I wonder when he got here.
"Mom..." I say but she just squeezes my hand for comfort.
My dad closes the door and I hadn't realized he was in here. I rush over to Ana and see that Elliot is by her side making her smile and I'm glad he's checking on her but I'm jealous that he can make her smile when it should be me.
"Ana I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" I ask.
Ana smiles up at me and puts her hand on my cheek which I lean into. "It's not your fault Christian and I'm perfectly fine but you all have terrible timing." Ana says making us laugh.
"I wish I would have realized what she was sooner."
"Christian all that matters is that you know now and you did the right thing. I know you considered her a friend and I'm sorry that you lost her but you needed to remove her from you life."
"Trust me Ana I will not miss her, I actually feel relieved. It's hard to explain but I do feel lighter now." I say as she continues to smile at me.
"You should talk to your parents." Ana tells me as she gets up.
"Ana dear please stay. I know it will be easier for Christian if you are by his side." My dad tells Ana with a smile. We all sit down and Elliot stays as well and sits next to me and Ana.
"When did you find out Elliot?" My dad asks.
"A few months ago." Elliot responds.
"Don't be upset with Elliot I asked him not to say anything." I say and I look over at Elliot who gives me a smile and it reminds of when we were younger and we'd get in trouble for picking on Mia.
"Son we are just glad that Elliot could help you out. We wish you could have come to us but we can understand why you didn't. Christian I am so sorry that we didn't see it or that we weren't there for you. I should have known better or spend more time with you." My dad starts to say and I can hear his voice cracking.
"Dad it's not your fault, there's nothing you could have done. It was all me I had convinced myself that I wasn't good enough and that I didn't fit in, I put pressure on myself. God you guys did everything you could and gave me so much love I was just so stubborn to see it back then. I wasn't open to the help you guys were trying to give me. Jacqueline just knew the right words to say and it was stupid of me to believe her. Mom please don't believe what she said because I know that if you would have stopped me from going I would have acted out more. I somehow put pressure on myself by thinking I wasn't good enough. Mom, Dad I love you so much and I'm so sorry for hurting you this way. You are the best parents anyone can ask for and I really am sorry for keeping this secret from you." I say as the tears roll down my cheeks and Ana squeezes my hand as Elliot squeezes my shoulders.
"Christian you have nothing to be sorry about. We love you and are very proud of you, we always have been. I'm just sorry that Jacqueline got her claws in you and you are not stupid for believing her lies darling, she is just a vicious snake who pries on vulnerability. You are such a strong person Christian you have overcome so much please don't think any less of yourself. We should have been there for you but just know that we are always here for you Christian." My mom says putting her hands on my cheeks and wiping away my tears.
"Son we need to know what exactly it is Jacqueline did to you. I mean we have an idea from what we heard but please explain it to us. Don't keep any more secrets don't give Jacqueline the power to hold anything against you." My dad says.
"Dad you will be so disappointed if you knew what I have done." I say and Elliot gives me an encouraging nudge.
"Son trust us we will not think of you differently. We have an idea but we need to hear it from you, I mean we heard enough to make our own assumptions and we've heard rumors of what kind of things she liked but your father is right don't give Jacqueline the power to hold anything against you." My mom says squeezing my hand.
"It's better that they know Christian. They love you and just like me and Elliot they will not see you differently." Ana says reassuring me.
"We heard the part where Jacqueline beat you and well everything that was said after that. I know it's hard for you but we need to know son." My dad says clearing his throat.
"It started when I was fifteen. Jacqueline told me she could help me control my temper and at first it started off simple with doing backyard work and if I got frustrated she'd make me do it again but then after a few days she told me that there was a faster process but it was going to be intense. Jacqueline showed me her basement where there was a lot of things like whips, canes and other sex things, the rumors are true she's into the BDSM lifestyle. I was a horny fifteen year old who couldn't be touched and she told me she could also help me with that as well, that I would have full control of everything. She explained that if I did good and stayed out of trouble that I would be rewarded, but if I continued to fight or got out of line I would be punished." I say looking at my parents and my dad is trying hard not to show emotion but his eyes betray him and my mom has tears in her eyes.
"Reward you with sex?" My dad asks and I nod a yes.
"I started staying away from people so that I wouldn't get in a fight because I didn't want to get whipped or beaten with a cane. I felt like I deserved it, you know for being a bad kid. When I was alone I felt like I could control my temper better but now that I think about it I can see that I never controlled it I just found a way around it. If I wasn't around anyone they couldn't piss me off. Eventually Jacqueline told me I had to stay away from Ana because she was a distraction and she was going to ruin the progress I had already made. She told me I was far to dependent on Ana and that as long as I kept defending her I would never gain any control. Jacqueline started telling me how weak I was for expecting Ana to always calm me down. I was so stupid." I say and my dad stands next to me and tells me I was not stupid that if it were him in my shoes he'd probably make the same choice and I know he's just saying it make me feel better which I appreciate.
"I wanted you guys to be proud of me. I thought once you saw that I wasn't fighting anymore you I would finally be the son you could be proud to show off. It hurt to push Ana away but I felt like I had to do it, I didn't want to be weak. When I started doing good I would get rewarded with sex as you know. There were still times where I would get punished for not calling Jacqueline mistress or for talking back to her sometimes for still defending Ana. Eventually we ended our agreement and well she told me that I was ready to be a dom which is what she was. I was a bit excited but I wasn't sure if that's what I really wanted. I had taken a break from her and the lifestyle while she could get me a submissive. During that break I came home for Ana's birthday party and for a moment I forgot about how fucked up I really was and I actually felt normal, like I was enough and it was the best night of my life." My dad looks at Ana then me and then I see that he figured out what happened that night.
My mom doesn't seem to catch on which I'm thankful for. My dad gives me a stern look that tells me we will talk about it later.
"Ana always had a way of making me feel like myself and I'm sorry that sounds awful but it was nothing any of you said or did, it was just me putting that stress on myself but now I know how much you all loved me for me and never had any big expectations other than what parents normally have for their children. I don't know why I ever did that and if I could take it all back I would." I say.
My parents look at me with understanding eyes and soft smiles.
"Son it's okay we can understand that. Don't feel bad because we are not hurt by the way you felt, we do wish you could have come to us but it's in the past like Ana said what matters is that you are finally facing all your demons and that's what counts." My dad says which makes me feel better.
"After that night Jacqueline approached me at breakfast and told me she had a few subs ready for me. I knew she could sense I was having second thoughts and she told me how I needed to be a dom to fully understand the control I have. All the hard work I had done was going to finally pay off. I knew I was being selfish and only thinking of myself and yet once again I bought into what she was saying and agreed to take on a sub. I have punished woman who are in the lifestyle right before I fuck them and I'm not proud of it but at the time it was what I thought I needed. John knows there were a few times I wanted to leave it behind or take a break but Jacqueline always found a way to wheel me back in. A few weeks before Ana came back into my life again after all those years I had ended a contract with the last sub I had and I haven't had one since. I've realized I don't need them at all as intense as my therapy has been I really haven't had the urge to get one. Ana pretty much slapped me with the truth and then Elliot found out and he also gave me a wake up call and here were are." I say afraid to look at my parents.
"I take it that's the sweet version of it all." My dad says and I nod a yes.
"Christian this doesn't change how much we love you. We take it that those women knew what they were getting into?" My mom asks.
'Yes." I say.
"It's obvious you are getting the help you need son and that's all we could ask for but we will tell you again we are here for you just like we are for Mia and Elliot. If it ever feels too much for you just come to us we will always make time for you. We love you Christian and we are sorry that we didn't realize what was going on." My dad says rubbing my hair like when I was younger.
I pull him and my mom into a hug and I can hear my mom start crying, it takes my dad a while but he hugs me back carefully trying not to touch my back.
"You guys did the best you could with me, I'm just sorry for all the trouble I've caused but I promise no more secrets." I say.
My mom gives Ana and Elliot a hug and then walks out of the library followed by Elliot. My dad gives Ana a tight hug and whispers something to her which makes her smile, then he walks to me and squeezes my shoulder. We walk to the door and he tells me that we are going to talk about how I hurt Ana and I know what he means and I agree to meet with him tomorrow. I close the door and walk back towards where Ana is.