Red Dwarf - Not Going to Use It
Jack looked out the porthole of the shuttle. "I've got… two Darth Vaders and a hologram.
"Their technology is based on popular culture," Stark said after a huddle. "The Darth Vader suits are their way of saying not to take them lightly."
"Makes as much sense as creating a space ship from a comedy show," Jack admitted.
"I wonder if they have the secret of making lightsabers," Teal'c said.
Everyone paused in putting on their vac suits.
"More and more I see that I should have been trying to recruit Teal'c from the beginning," Maybourne said.
"Indeed," Jack said smugly.
"I don't think lightsabers are possible," Sam admitted as she finished suiting up.
"No crushing my hopes and dreams," Jack ordered.
"Sorry, Sir," Sam replied amused.
Colonel Maybourne was the first out, followed by SG1 with the six NID agents bringing up the rear.
"Sorry about needing the vac suits," Xander apologized over the suits radios in a captain's voice, "but construction isn't complete yet."
"Why the Darth Vader outfits?" Jack asked amused as they entered the ship's halls, a warren of metallic corridors painted military grey.
"We had files on them and they were better than the ones from the Dwarf," Xander said, seeing no problem with sharing the information.
"How are they better?" Maybourne asked curiously.
In the rear of the column two NID agents snuck off when they saw a map with the ship's armory listed on the wall.
"Better life support, amplified strength, and superior armor," Xander replied easily.
"And the black is very slimming," Harmony added running a hand down her side.
"Can you make lightsabers?" Jack asked hopefully.
"Holly?" Xander asked.
A screen in the hull came on. "Sorry about that, I was a bit distracted, what was the question?"
"Can we make lightsabers?" Xander asked as they stepped out the doors to the elevator.
"Yeah, but the power supply and magnetic field manipulators weigh a ton… literally," Holly wavered and showed a video clip of a group of soldiers wearing what had a startling resemblance to a Ghostbusters proton pack, with the proton thrower replaced with a lightsaber. "Here's the first and last attempt to wield them in a battle, fortunately in a zero G environment."
Everyone winced as bits flew off of the enemy as well as the soldiers wielding the lightsabers until two blades accidentally touched each other and the screen went white.
"Lack of tactile feedback makes it too easy to slice off things you don't mean to," Holly explained, "and crossing the beams, as you can see, causes a catastrophic failure in the plasma containment system."
"The ones from the Star Wars movies are superior," Teal'c said, a trace of disappointment in his voice.
"They have superior plasma generation and magnetic field control technology," Holly agreed.
"What distracted you?" Willow asked Holly, changing the subject before the men started moping about not getting lightsabers.
"Two of our guests managed to incinerate themselves," Holly replied and showed footage of two NID agents prying open a door marked 'Ships Armory' and getting bathed in flames so hot that only their boots were left.
"Hell of a security system," Maybourne said.
"Not really," Holly replied. "I labeled all the doors to the incinerators 'Ships Armory'."
"I'd like to apologize for the actions of those two rogue agents," Maybourne said. "I can assure you, their actions were neither planned nor sanctioned by the US government."
"As long as you don't blame us for their becoming extra crispy we're good," Harmony said cheerfully as they boarded an elevator that resembled a subway car and the doors closed behind them.
Xander removed the helmet from his outfit and sat down. "The elevator cars have their own air supplies and the command deck is already pressurized."
Harmony quickly shed the entire outfit leaving her in a green G-string with matching bra. "I'm not wrinkling up one of my outfits just to go to the hangar and back," she said at Sam's questioning glance.
"Head count," Xander said. "I think we lost another one."
Jack groaned. "This is the last time I willingly go anywhere with NID agents."
Before any more could be said a video started playing, showing off all safety features of the elevator car and how to use the emergency gear, as demonstrated by a blonde stewardess and finished with her demonstrating how to use a cyanide capsule and falling over.
"Did she actually…" Sam's voice trailed off in horror.
"Die?" Holly asked. "Yeah, she did. Sad thing is they didn't even give her a real cyanide capsule, just a fake one filled with powdered milk."
"Placebo effect?" Jack asked.
"Nah, extreme lactose intolerance."
"Can you locate the missing agent?" Xander asked.
"Yeah, he's trying to get into the trash compactor."
"And what's it labeled as?" Maybourne asked.
"Incinerator," Holly replied.
"Why did you label the doors wrong?" Daniel asked.
"Well it's a bit of a laugh isn't it?" Holly said.
Xander snickered. "Ok, I get the armory joke, but the incinerator one?"
"That just keeps people from throwing pressurized cans in the compactor," Holly said. "It's become standard procedure and a bit of a joke because a can of hair spray in the compactor sets things on fire."
"What's the first joke?" Maybourne asked.
"What do you expect to find in the ship's armory?" Xander said with a grin.
Jack groaned. "Fire power."
"Exactly," Holly said cheerfully. "This is a mining ship, we don't really have an armory as such. I tried to explain that to them, but they ignored me and pried it open anyway."
"Three down, three to go," Jack said sourly. "How's the compactor kid doing?"
"Like Timmy down the well who wasn't allowed pets," Holly replied. "He's managed to compact and eject himself at the moon in the form of an organic brick. It'll be years before he splashes down though, he didn't get a lot of thrust."
"I'd ask you three if you three were going to do something similarly stupid," Jack said addressing the remaining agents, "but at this point it's a sucker bet."
There was a ding and the elevator announced "We are approaching your destination now, please return all tray tables and seats to their fully upright positions."
"We have lost another one," Teal'c announced once they come to a stop and he'd taken a look around.
"He used an escape chute," Holly said.
"Fell to his death?" Maybourne asked as Jack snickered at him.
"As long as he doesn't hit an unpressurized deck he'll be fine," Holly said. "I don't have cameras in the shaft yet so I can't guess where he's gone off to."
The doors opened and everyone stepped out into warm well lighted halls that were painted a soft blue and had several scutter scurrying about. A row of scutters shot past wearing cowboy hats or feathered bonnets.
"Do I want to know?" Maybourne asked.
"I think they reserved the theatre for a John Wayne marathon," Holly replied.
"They're sentient?!" Sam asked in shock.
"Nobody knows," Xander answered. "It tends to vary really."
"And you can't take their word for it?" Daniel asked.
"They could be lying," Holly pointed out.
"Where's Maybourne?" Jack said looking around.
"Don't tell me he went rogue too," Sam said in shock.
"Actually he and Teal'c went to watch the John Wayne festival," Daniel said.
"What, why?" Sam asked.
"They have a copy of the 'last' John Wayne movies," Daniel said pointing to a tiny poster at shin level advertising the marathon.
"I better go keep an eye on them," Jack said before following a line of scutters in Western hats down the hall.
A bell rang. "Scheduled midafternoon sex and nap break," Holly announced.
Harmony tossed Xander over her shoulder and strode off, the final two NID agents following her.
Sam and Daniel exchanged glances and then looked at Willow.
"All you'll get from me is tea and conversation," Willow quickly said, red faced.
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
"I'd say my place, but my evil twin is acting out because of personal insecurities," Willow said.
"My place doesn't have AC," Xander said with a sigh.
"Mom would cramp my style a bit," Harmony admitted. "And she really is perceptive at times."
"Want adds?" Xander asked.
"Want adds," the girls chorused.
"CRC is still up for sale," Willow offered uneasily.
"Too many bad memories," Xander said, earning a grateful smile from Willow.
"Al's Butcher Shop is looking for some help," Harmony pointed out.
Xander and Willow looked at her wondering what that had to do with their home search.
"The butcher shop which is open all night and had all those mob rumors so long ago, needs workers while Al takes some time off. We don't need sleep and Willow needs something to do during the day. It's not just free AC, it's as good as getting paid to be in the cold," Harmony explained.
"That's not a bad idea," Willow said thoughtfully.
"We can make token appearances at home and school," Harmony said thoughtfully. "Get Snyder to sign off on work study and we're set."
"Snyder hates us," Xander reminded her.
"So pretend we hate the idea and our parents are making us do it," Harmony said.
"If we can convince Al to hire us we'll be set," Willow said.
"Let's get moving," Xander said. "We're burning pre-daylight conditions."
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
Red Dwarf, Several Hours Later…
The four had decided to put off any serious discussions until the other had returned, instead talking about such light topics as star ship construction and ancient history.
"I have pretty solid evidence that aliens were involved in the construction of the pyramids," Daniel said.
"Aliens are pretty rare on the ground in my home universe," Holly said. "So even if aliens helped with their construction here, our home reality is proof that all you really need is some really large whips."
"Ram scoops aren't the fastest way to get around," Willow admitted, "but as long as you aren't trying to cruise the void between galaxies you don't have to worry about running out of fuel."
"Hyperspace jumps make up for a lot of problems," Sam replied. "We humans have rather limited lifespans making trips taking decades rather unfeasible."
Jack, Maybourne, and Teal'c returned from the movies in good spirits.
"Where did our final two rogue NID agents go?" Jack asked.
"They're having sex with Xander and Harmony," Willow replied.
Maybourne frowned. "I'm not sure they can be classified as rogue agents for that."
"It's the first time I've heard of NID agents actually improving relations," Jack smirked.
"Just after you left Harmony announced she'd scheduled that time for sex," Willow explained.
"You scheduled sex?" Jack asked.
"I didn't!" Willow exclaimed blushing. "Harmony schedules everything!"
"How long until they finish and we can have a serious discussion?" Maybourne asked taking a seat at the table.
"Holly?" Willow asked.
"The girls are all napping and Xander is currently crawling towards the nearest source of lager," Holly replied. "I'll let him know to come here… and send an automated wheelchair."
"What about Harmony?" Sam asked.
"She won't be able to contribute much," Willow said shaking her head. "Cats aren't deep thinkers and pretty much go with the flow, unless it pertains to them specifically."
"Why create a species and give them so many limitations?" Sam asked, trying to mask her horror at the thought of being so limited herself.
"The species evolved that way," Willow said. "And Harmony likes being a cat so much she won't let us change her back."
"Change her back… you mean she was once human?!" Sam exclaimed.
"A cheerleader," Willow said, "And trust me when I say she's actually better this way."
Whatever Sam would have replied was interrupted by Xander's arrival in a self-propelled wheelchair that had an IV bag filled with beer hanging from the attached IV stand and a tube leading to Xander's mouth. Xander looked like he was recovering from running a marathon.
"Were you all human once?" Maybourne asked intently.
"Holly's always been an AI as has Kryten," Xander said with a yawn seeing no harm in sharing the information. Willow was split off from her organic self, I'm still human and Harmony became a feline sapien."
"Who or what did this to you?" Jack asked concerned.
"What do you know about the supernatural?" Willow asked.
"It's all a bunch of smoke and mirrors," Sam waved it off.
"Then no answer we can give you is going to be satisfying," Willow said.
"I have a high enough clearance to say it's not all smoke and mirrors," Maybourne said.
"A chaos worshipper of one of the old gods turned us into our costumes," Xander replied. "Fortunately I had a scutter and Kryten's head with me, so his nanites rebuilt the ship for us."
"The only gods I know of are parasites pretending to be gods," Jack said shaking his head.
"The gold snake demons," Xander said slowly remembering reading about how the pyramids were made, "tried to do something like that and offended the actual gods enough that they put aside their habitual fighting and sent all their champions to deal with them."
"And the Norse gods?" Jack asked before Daniel could say anything.
"Different matter," Xander waved it off. "The Norse gods were humans turned into deities by the people. They aren't nearly as insecure as beings that have never been anything but gods."
"So gods are higher dimensional beings?" Sam asked.
"Yeah, and the ones who have never been human are even harder to understand than those who were," Xander said shaking his head.
"So basically a supernatural accident is responsible for all this?" Maybourne asked.
"Chaos is chaos is chaos," Xander said with a shrug. "This is something that could never happen again in a million years, it's like winning the lottery to be in another lottery, and then winning that."
"So you're all from Earth?" Danny asked.
"Yes, though some of us have memories of another Earth," Willow agreed.
"Would you be averse to sharing the scientific knowledge you gained through this accident?" Sam asked.
"Sure," Xander replied after looking to Willow to see what she thought. "Holly, give them a leg up in the tech department avoiding the big mistakes please."
"Big mistakes?" Jack asked.
"Genetically engineered life forms, simulants, intelligent viruses," Xander listed off. "These are fields that shouldn't be poked at until man is already populating the starts so wiping out a planet or two won't cause our extinction."
"Point taken," Jack said agreeably.
"Technical data on those can be skipped," Maybourne agreed, "but a bit of an overview on what not to do so we don't accidentally reinvent them would be nice."
"On it," Holly said.
"So… what are your plans," Jack asked. "I mean this is a rather big ship."
"We need it to find the cure for cancer and how to clone Willow a new body," Xander replied.
"And you think the answers are out there?" Jack said waving an arm.
Xander grinned. "Not exactly. I think the answers are on Earth, I just don't know which one. You see we have… the Holly Hop Drive."
Typing by: The Last Primarch!
AN: I wrote all this out and then… I realized Xander with Dave's memories would have said 'leg it' way before it got to this point, since they'd already planned on jumping universe anyway.