Saturday, 18 December
Weight: 126 lbs.
Calories: approx. 2,067 (stuffed on the Express)
Drinks: 2 (nicked from the liquor cabinet)
Cigarettes: 7 (am quitting… tomorrow)
8:34 p.m.
Mum and Aunt Dorothea met us at King's Cross this afternoon. They came together, which meant we all (them, me and Mo, James, and Sirius) all traveled back to the Potters' house via Floo Powder, and Uncle Charlie insisted that we stay for tea. After a small meal, Mum took me and Mo home (only a few blocks away) so we could settle I.
The house is exactly how I remember it. Cool, pale, and lonely. Mo immediately holed up in her room to listen to the latest Hobgoblins album, and I looked through the books and gadgets lying around my own room. So many of these things I haven't used in years, and at the end of this school year, I'll finally be striking out on my own (and I'll probably never use these things at all).
Since Hogwarts, this house hardly feels like home anymore.
And this coming summer (N.E.W.T.s permitting), I'll be in an apprenticeship at Gringotts - I just filled out the application on the Hogwarts Express this morning. Then I'll be traveling the world, finding old treasures in Egypt, Greece, Rome, France, China, and bringing them back. I don't know who I'll see then, who I'll be able to keep in touch with. It can be a lonely profession, but it's what I've wanted for ages. And I've always been good on my own.
I suppose, in that context, it doesn't matter whether a bloke fancies me. Or what the rumors at school say about me. Because in a few more months, I'll hardly see any of them again.
Being home really puts things in perspective. My life is up in the air right now, and I've been stressing about… well, about Sirius. Obviously he doesn't fancy me (yesterday had to've been a fluke), and that's fine. We're better off as friends anyway. Like I said before, shagging was a mistake, and he never argued that point, so he probably agrees.
The only thing I'm sure of right now is what I want to do after Hogwarts. And I'm not putting anything on hold for a bloke who probably doesn't even fancy me, even if he is my best mate. Hell, I wouldn't even if he DID fancy me either.
I just…
I need to center myself. It's so easy to get caught up in the drama (apparently), but I need to ignore that. That doesn't matter. There's only a few more months, and Hogwarts is over.
9:09 p.m.
Merlin, but it's so difficult to ignore it. I'm giving in to the drama right now because Mum is ridiculous.
She said that one of the mothers of one of Mo's friends told her something a few weeks ago. "She said that it's well-known that you've been a bit promiscuous, dear," Mum told me, "and I just want you to know how proud I am of you! Witches haven't always had the opportunities that you have - just look at some of the pureblood families. Really, dear, just make sure you're being safe. I'm not ready to be a grandmother yet!"
I feel most mothers tell their children to be careful about their sexual partners, not encourage "promiscuity." I've never claimed to have a sane or normal mother though. I don't know how Uncle Charlie put up with her growing up, but I suppose he is over tens years her senior.
Sunday, 19 December
Weight: 127 lbs.
Calories: approx. 1,754 (Sirius isn't here to shove food down my throat)
Drinks: 0
Cigarettes: 0 (first time in a year probably)
4 p.m.
It's only been one day, and as predicted, my mother is driving me insane. Am very studious for resisting the call of cigarettes when dealing with her.
I tried to find solace in Mo, but she mostly glared at me because I was interrupting her girly time. Thanks to Mary and Lily, I was able to brush off her sour mood and join her on the floor of her bedroom. I spent the next hour applying polish to my nails and catching up with my baby sister.
She mostly ignored my attempts at smalltalk ("How do you like being a sixth year?" and "Have you gotten Mum anything for Christmas?"), and instead turned to what she wanted to talk about.
"If you're going to be here," Mo said, rolling her eyes at me as she leaned over her knees to examine her toes, "then we're going to talk about the rumors."
Oh joy. Exactly what I wanted to discuss.
"Obviously they're not all true," I said.
"Yeah, but I want to know HOW MUCH truth is in them," she shrugged. "Shagging Chris Stone?"
"Definitely not," I said and blew at the lacquer on my own toenails. "He was seen holding my knickers - nothing else."
"But you fancied him," she accused. When I just shrugged, she moved on. "Thom Sedgwick's enormous knob?"
I quirked an eyebrow. "Never seen his knob," I said, "so no idea how big it is." If it were anyone but Thom, I'd say that sounds like a rumor the bloke started himself.
"All right," she said. "Bertram Aubrey said you wanted to slob his knob, but he refused."
That's one I hadn't heard before.
"Disgusting," I said.
"I think I heard once that Simon Curtis and you snogged in a broom cupboard."
"Who's that?" I asked.
"Fourth year Ravenclaw."
"I wouldn't snog a fourth year."
"Remus Lupin? Did you take my advice and ask him to help you? Because everyone thinks you've snogged at least."
"Merlin, does no one at Hogwarts do anything other than gossip behind each other's backs?" I groaned. "I haven't done anything with Remus aside from bloody studying."
Mo shrugged and began to apply a second layer to her left foot. "Well, to be fair, the school thinks you're shagging every one of your mates. Lupin, Phillips, Stone, Sedgwick, Pettigrew, Owens, Black. Jasmine Snider suggested that you probably forced Sirius and Isabeau Chevalier to break up so that you could have him for yourself."
Apparently the rumors got much worse than I thought. Maybe it was better to stay in the solitude of the library.
"Oh, and Vivian said that for the past week you and Sirius Black have been shagging in the girls' locker room after practice," Mo added.
I nearly knocked over the bottle of polish I was using.
Why has no one told me the rumors are this bad? I should know what people are saying about me, especially if it isn't true. Hell, I should know if it IS true too.
"None of that's real," I told her in a quiet voice.
Skeptically, she looked up to examine my face. "So you're still a virgin?"
I didn't know what to say. My little sister isn't exactly the someone with whom I want to discuss that reckless night with Sirius, but it's not like she's never had sex with anyone either. And I really don't want to contribute to the rumors, not that Mo would spread anything.
"No, I'm not," I said at last, "but I'm not telling who."
Mo pursed her lips and glared at me. "You're no fun," she reprimanded, plucking up her nail file off the floor and tossing it at me. "At least let me guess."
"No," I said, but I still smiled.
"Why? Because you know I'll get it right?"
I didn't answer.
"Well, if it isn't Stone or Sedgwick… or Lupin… It wasn't Pettigrew, was it? I think I remember someone saying something about him chatting you up a while back."
I made a face.
"No, I didn't think so." Mo smirked. "If it wasn't any of them, then it was obviously Sirius. I thought you might fancy him. You kept giving him funny looks at tea yesterday."
How can Mo be so perceptive when we hardly ever talk to each other?
Also, am impressed I haven't smoked myself into oblivion after hearing exactly what people have been saying behind my back. At least Mo will be honest with me. James won't, nor will Lily or Mary - they all think they're protecting me or some other shit, but I NEED to know what's going on if I'm going to deal with it.
Tuesday, 21 December
Weight: 127 lbs.
Calories: approx. 1,812
Drinks: 0
Cigarettes: 0 (am very impressive, especially considering)
11:06 a.m.
I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS!
She's done it again. Mum (of course) pulled me aside after breakfast to let me know that she invited a new family to our holiday part at the Potters - and that they have a well-off, attractive son who is only a year and a half older than me. She's setting me up. On bloody Christmas.
When I asked her who the family was, she said it was Adonis and Eirene Rosier and their son Evan.
Evan Rosier was two years above us at Hogwarts, so I know who he is but we never talked. He was a Slytherin and mates with Avery and Mulciber, who were in the year above us and practically tortured Mary two years ago. Also friends with Severus Snape (so you know James and Sirius will be thrilled he's there). He never seemed to care as much about blood purity as his mates (he intervened when Mary was cursed - though they may just have been to avoid trouble and/or potential expulsion), but he went along with everything else.
This is going to be one cocked up and mad Christmas.
Wednesday, 22 December
Weight: 126 lbs.
Calories: approx. 1,790
Drinks: 0
Cigarettes: 0
9:38 a.m.
Christmas is only a few days away, so Mo and I are making a trip to Diagon Alley for some last minute shopping (ALL of my shopping). We have to find something for Mum and something to send to Dad. Then I want to send something small to Lily and Mary - they've been lifesavers this year. James could use a new arm guard. I'll send Remus some chocolates or something - he has helped me loads, and even though I don't really know how I feel about the whole lycanthropy thing (am getting used to it), I don't want to leave him out. And Sirius… well, I was considering getting him some polish for his broom (desperately needs it), but now that I write that down, I realize how that sounds. So maybe not. I don't know what to get him. And of course I have to get something for Mo, but I'll take care of that another time.
We're Flooing to Diagon Alley now…
4:19 p.m.
Well, Mo is no help.
We just got a few general things for Mum and for Dad. And I found Lily a new quill, Mary a beautiful scarf from Twilfitt and Tatting's, James a new arm guard, chocolates and sweets for Remus and even a few for Peter.
But I was at a loss for Sirius. And he is one of the easiest wizards to shop for. He's happy with sweets, with anything for Quidditch, whatever product he's currently using in his hair, or basically anything else. But I was second-guessing everything, and Mo wasn't helping at all. She suggested, "Oh fuck it, just wake him up Christmas morning, starkers, with just a bow tied around your tits. He'd be more than happy with that."
See? No help.
In any event, I was able to hand in my Gringotts application in person. Usually better to make a good first impression. Now the most important thing I can do is pass my N.E.W.T.s with high marks.
Friday, 24 December
Weight: 126 lbs.
Calories: approx. 1,988
Drinks: 3
Cigarettes: 5 (blame Sirius)
11 a.m.
I finally managed to find something to give Sirius. Thank Merlin. Though it's probably shit.
Am meeting James and Sirius over at James's house this afternoon for a Christmas Eve dinner and a few drinks afterward. Should give present then? Am not sure, but do NOT want to give present tomorrow at family gathering.
9:34 p.m.
Might be a bit drunk. Didn't have much, but apparently enough.
Had dinner with James and Sirius and Uncle Charlie and Aunt Dorothea. Mum and Mo were there too, but they went home after dinner. I stayed to have Christmas Eve glass of champagne with the blokes, which turned into three. After the first two drinks, they cornered me in James's room and became very accusatory.
"Zigger, there's something important we need to talk about," said James, and suddenly he looked very mature. "You hurt Moony's feelings." At my confused face, he elaborated. "You two started talking more, and then you just sort of stopped spending time with him."
Ah. No longer confused. I didn't know how to react after I found out the truth about his furry little problem, so I just… didn't. Which mostly meant that I also didn't really talk to him anymore. But I definitely couldn't tell them that. So I just didn't really say anything at all.
"I don't know what you're talking about," I said, trying to shrug it off. "I've been busy."
Sirius gave me that funny look that says he knows I'm lying. How does he always know when I'm lying? Aside from the fact that I'm dreadful at lying. Well… he has a stupid face.
The two of them just sort of stared at me for a good five minutes and I just sat there silently until James's face lit up. "YOU KNOW!" he accused.
In a panic, I scrambled to say, "Know what? I don't know anything, I swear!" Probably came out in a garbled mess.
"About the Polyjuice," said James before uncomfortably trailing off.
"What Polyjuice?" I asked, curious now. "What're you lot doing with Polyjuice Potion?"
Sirius nudged James in the arm. "She doesn't know about that," he said in a hushed voice, "and she doesn't need to know."
"Then what does she know?" James whispered back. (I feel like they thought they were being quiet, but I could hear everything.) "She obviously knows something."
Sirius nodded to him determinedly before approaching me and sitting down close in front of me. And he just sat there and stared at me, examining my face and reactions. And I tried not to think about the whole werewolf thing - just in case he knows Legilimensy and never told me - and focus on something else. Which meant I was focusing on Sirius's face and I almost laughed at the constipated look on his face.
At last, he leaned back and said to James, "Fuck, I don't know, mate. She won't stop giggling."
I breathed a (rather loud) sigh of relief, and they both turned to me, glaring and determined to find out what I knew (since I'd so idiotically admitted it earlier by denying it so horrendously).
"Okay, first reactions," James said, coming closer. "Quidditch?"
James is ridiculous.
"Cup," I said.
"Gringotts?"
"Results."
"Trophy?"
"Victory."
"Snitch?"
"Sneaky."
"Marauders?"
I glared, but it didn't faze either of them. "Nosy."
"Your mum?"
"Unhinged," I said with a snort.
"Sun?"
"Bright."
"Grass?"
"Green."
"Moon?"
I paused.
This was the one that he had been building up to, but he played it off like it was nothing to be concerned or interested about in case I had no idea what he was talking about. But I knew I had to answer, to say something quickly (but not too quickly) or it would be obvious.
I didn't know what to say, so I panicked.
"Full," I said, trying to look as not nervous as possible.
Apparently it didn't work because they both swore and Sirius turned to me, asking, "How long have you known?"
I wanted to continue denying it, but I knew that'd just make it worse. "Since the last full moon," I admitted. "Who else knows?"
"No one," said Sirius, but James glared at him and said, "Snape does. Found in October of last year. And of course, Wormtail does."
Slightly offended that Severus bleeding Snape found out before me. But something about James's tone tells me it wasn't on purpose.
"You have to talk to him at some point," James said. "I don't want to have to be the one to tell him you figured it out - he'll assume the worst and think you don't want to be friends with him anymore."
At least James has such faith in me not to question whether I DO still want to be friends with Remus. And really, I do. I've just been adjusting to the idea.
"I'll talk to him," I promised. And I will soon. I don't know when I'll see him though. Doubt it'll be before the new term.
Didn't have the opportunity to exchange gifts with Sirius. Maybe tomorrow. If I can manage to escape from my mum and Evan Rosier for more than a minute. We'll see.
Saturday, 25 December
Weight: 125 lbs.
Calories: approx. 2,450
Drinks: 2
Cigarettes: 7 (still Sirius's fault)
8:48 p.m.
Evan Rosier is everything my mother wants in a son-in-law. He's charming, intelligent, reserved, and incredibly fit. Much like his father.
James and Sirius were furious the second the Rosiers walked through the door, and Mum - well, she was ecstatic. She immediately dragged me forward to meet them and properly introduce us. (This morning, she made sure I wore nice green dress robes and my hair down. "You have to AT LEAST look presentable," she said. "You can't wear your Quidditch robes all the time.")
"Evan," Mum began when it was just the three of us, "you remember my daughter Sigourney. She's in her final year at Hogwarts now - just turned in her application at Gringotts Wizarding Bank to become a Curse Breaker."
I smiled at him and said, "Hullo."
"And Sigourney," she said, turning to me, "Evan is now a junior editor at The Daily Prophet. His work gets published in the paper." I'm not sure why I was supposed to be impressed by this.
Mum then left us to "catch up" - as if we'd ever spoken before. Mostly, it was an combination of uncomfortable silence and me trying to decide whether I should care at all. And Evan Rosier pretended to be interested in my life.
"You're going to study to be a Curse Breaker?" he asked, and I nodded. "That's dangerous. Are you sure you'll be prepared for that?"
This was not off to a good start.
"Why is that ALWAYS everyone's first question?" I said, instantly annoyed. "No one asked Tertius that when he was under the effects of Felix Felicis, and if he can do the job just fine despite only being accepted because he was incredibly lucky and NOT having that luck after the potion wore off, so can I."
Evan Rosier seemed mildly interested. "You do seem competent," he said with a shrug, and I decided to let it go.
"What's it like working for The Daily Prophet?"
"It's a good living," he said, "and I enjoy having my articles published. Of course, I do far more editing of others' work than my own." He didn't sound like he enjoys it, but maybe he has no concept of tone of voice. His voice is monotonous.
"And getting the news first is always a bonus," I said, trying to make smalltalk.
He just nodded.
I nervously glanced around the room and spied Sirius and James standing near the buffet. Neither of them looked happy. "I'm going to grab a drink," I told Rosier. "You want anything?" And he shook his head no, so I met the two blokes over by the drinks with an uncomfortable smile.
"What the hell is he doing here?" Sirius snapped quietly as soon as I was within hearing range.
James didn't say anything.
I rolled my eyes while pouring myself some punch. "Haven't you heard?" I said with a snort. "He's my date. Now that I've jumped head-first into the world of sexual liaisons and rendezvous, Mum wants me to get married." And I left him there, gaping, as I returned to Evan Rosier with my glass of punch.
Evan Rosier and I sat next to each other as we ate, sharing a table with our parents and Uncle Charlie and Aunt Dorothea. James and Sirius sat with Mo and other relatives (Great Aunt Frieda, Uncle Cenred, our cousins Wyot and Oswin, and a few others). It was surreal as my mother continually tried to get the two of us to talk but we stumbled around the conversation awkwardly. After a little while, it became a bit less awkward, but that was mostly after Mum stopped paying so much attention to what we were discussing.
After everyone ate, Charlie and Dorothea opened up the dance floor in the ballroom for guests to dance. I don't know why (probably because I was hilarious to see Sirius fuming by the punch bowl), but when Evan Rosier asked me to dance (mostly out of obligation), I agreed. We swayed to holiday classics and continued to chat as we did so, and it was surprisingly not boring.
I was laughing at whatever comment he made about my mum's very expensive coat when suddenly, there was Sirius right next to us. He cut in, grabbing my hands and dancing me away from Rosier immediately. "What're you doing?" he asked, and when we got close enough to the door to the next parlor over, he pulled me through to the dark, empty room.
"I WAS enjoying myself," I said, suddenly annoyed. "I'm allowed to have fun, aren't I? I don't know why you're so bothered by it."
Without a word, he grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me toward him. His lips were on mine in an instant, roughly urging mine to open, and I responded immediately. We took a few steps back, and he had me up against the wall, pressing his body flush against mine. He kissed me hard and fast - with an urgency that wasn't there the last time - and I was enthralled. Out of nowhere (well, not really), his erection pushed against my waist, and I reached up to grab hold of him for support, just as he let his hands slide down from my shoulders to the extremely low neckline of my dress robes.
For a moment, I thought he'd shag me right then and there (and I'm still debating whether I would've argued with that), but after nipping at my lip, he pulled away. Within seconds, he was gone, leaving me alone to gather myself back together before even considering returning to the party.
Now I'm even more confused.
A/N: Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed! ~Anatui
NEXT TIME:
Mary and Lily are visiting for New Year's Eve. We're going to drink and celebrate with James, Sirius, and Mo, and I'm going to have to refrain from smoking while drunk (very difficult)... oh, and also to refrain from NOT stopping Sirius from snogging me stupid.