Castiel was a father. That was an odd feeling, but a… a correct one. His vessel was a father. He'd talked with Kylie about a future he had wished they could have. It… It felt right. It felt good. It felt correct.
It made him smile to think that this could technically make Kylie some sort of a mother-like figure. At least, in Castiel's eyes it did. He didn't wish to replace the memory of Kelly or Jack's relationship to her, but at the same time Castiel couldn't help but hope that the child could look to Kylie as another motherly figure in his life.
He was an extraordinary child. That was another thing that made Castiel smile.
They sat together on the couch, talking quietly. Neither of them particularly needed sleep, much less wanted it. Castiel was taking the time to learn about his son, as was Jack about him.
"You like chocolate?" Castiel asked. Jack nodded enthusiastically.
"With nougat!" He agreed. "Or in a liquid form that Kylie introduced me to. She prefers a more bitter drink, though." He pursed his lips. "It was hot tea. I tried a small amount while she's gone. It doesn't taste nearly as good as the hot chocolate, however it is better than the coffee that Sam and Dean seem to favor." Castiel smiled at that. He was enjoying learning about what Jack liked.
"Their coffee truly is bitter." Cas agreed.
"What types of foods do you like?"
"I can't quite taste food the same way as you," Castiel explained. "However, when I was human I did enjoy peanut butter and jelly sandwiches." He had found Kylie's taste in tea bitter when he'd been human as well. Bitter, but helpful to her. According to Kylie the bitterness kept her sharp and awake.
"Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?" It sounded almost as though he had not eaten one. Castiel thought on that. This was… This would be something a father did; make food for their child.
"I'll make one for you." Cas promised. "I think you would like it."
"Thank you." Jack looked… Strangely relieved at that, but also happy. Very happy. Then his expression changed, in to one of uncertainty.
"What's wrong?"
"I… I feel like…" Jack sighed. "I feel as though I may have caused Kylie to leave for this extended period of time."
"Why would you say that?" Castiel asked.
"Because we argued, before she left." He admitted. "She was trying to teach me how… how to use my powers again. And I got frustrated." He looked extremely guilt as he spoke, yet honest. "She said she wanted to leave for a few hours so that I would have the space to practice, but I… I keep hurting her. Every time I use my abilities she is put in extreme pain, and I don't know why." In truth, Castiel had no clue either. He'd heard the same words from the Winchesters, and it was troubling. Kylie had been an extremely powerful witch. Why would Jack's powers hurt her in this way now? If she had her own magic, she could probably figure out the answer.
Castiel couldn't help but worry for her. He'd called her phone multiple times since they'd arrived at this motel. Each time he'd gotten her voicemail. It had gotten to the point where he had disassociated her voicemail with her; it was her voice, but it wasn't. It was just the barrier to getting to talk to her.
"It's OK." Castiel told his son. "She'll come back. She's smart. She's capable. She's just… She's been through a lot. She lost…" Castiel's voice trailed off as the list of everyone and everything she's ever lost compiled in his head. Her entire family. Her own life, once. Her best friend. The woman she also considered a mother. Whatever Crowley was to her. Her magic. Her home, both once at the Bunker and once within the Men of Letters. Her entire way of life, at least twice. Another woman that she trusted, Mary. Her faith in many people, in general. Castiel, not too long ago.
It was a fair amount of people. She had a habit, as the Winchesters did, of blaming herself for more than she needed to. Knowing her, these would all be things she would blame herself for.
She'd been strong for too long. Something had to break eventually. It was almost inevitable that this would happen. It didn't make Castiel feel any better about it, but it was the truth.
"She's lost as much as Sam and Dean have in a shorter amount of time." Castiel finally said. "She's gone through more than most humans can bear." Jack looked uncertain about that. Castiel offered him a comforting pat on the shoulder. "This was not your fault, Jack. Sometimes humans need time to allow information to settle in; to recuperate and put themselves back in what they consider a whole piece." Cas couldn't recall the last time he'd seen her take some time just to put herself back together again. She was always too busy fixing everything else around her.
This was an OK thing. This was something that had to happen. She'd look at her phone eventually and see the voicemails. She'd come back.
"She's coming back though, right?" Jack asked. Castiel felt his convictions falter in the second Jack asked. He wanted to say yes. He absolutely wanted to say yes.
But what if she was angry? Not at Jack, but at him. What if she was angry with him leaving? What if she didn't believe it was him? What if she just… What if something happened and she didn't come back?
"Of course." Castiel said, his voice betraying nothing. "She'll be back." He pushed back those thoughts that she might not return. She'd be back. Of course, she'd be back. She always came back.
If there was one constant with her, it was that she always managed to come back.
"Thank you." Jack sounded more relieved at that. Castiel offered him another smile, taking a glance at the clock. They were well into the early hours of the morning. "Castiel?"
"Yes Jack?"
"May I ask another question?"
"You just did." Castiel smirked a little, remembering when Sam did this to him. Jack furrowed his brows for a moment.
"May I ask…" He thought, then smiled. "Two more?"
"Certainly." He was smart. He was quick. It was astounding to watch, at times. It made Castiel proud.
"I was afraid to ask Kylie this, because I did not want it to bring up memories that were hard for her." He prefaced. "But I couldn't help but wonder how… How you two came to know each other. How you came to fall in love with her." Castiel smiled a little.
"This is a long story." Castiel warned him.
"I believe we have the time." Jack pointed out. In truth, they did. Neither of them required sleep at the moment.
Castiel leaned back on the couch, thinking as to how best start the story. From when he played at God, perhaps? Or when he pulled her from Crowley? Or how he got to know her when he was human? Perhaps when he shouted at her; literally screamed his affections in her face.
No. He needed to start at the beginning. Her beginning. That was where it all began. Even if it wasn't always pretty, it was better to start there than anywhere else.
"It was… It started eight years ago." Castiel decided. "When her mother became possessed by a demon." That truly was the beginning, at least for her. That was her first experience with the supernatural. That was what set her in Crowley's path. That was what inevitably led her to him.
A demon possessing her mother. That had been the start of the domino effect on her life.
Castiel kept those parts of her life brief. They weren't his story to tell, they were Kylie's. But he moved on to how he heard her praying. "She's not particularly the type to pray, she never has been. She just did this as… As a curiosity. As a hope, I felt." Castiel explained. "It is still the oddest prayer I've ever heard, and I've heard Dean's when he uses them to call for me." Jack laughed a little at that.
He moved on to how he met her again, when that one managed to somewhat stay. A wet paved road, with a younger her wrapped up in his coat. She was malnourished, and dangerously thin. She wasn't that way anymore though. She was determined. She was stubborn. She was smart. She was kind. She had more open and hopeful eyes then. She believed more then.
Castiel doubted that if he looked, he would still see the exact same hopeful optimism he used to see. It may have been a beaten down version then, but now… Now she was smart and calculating. Now she was a little more pessimistic, but with good reason. It still didn't make her eyes shine any less.
"I fell in love with her when she was dying." Castiel admitted. The memory hit him hard as he said those words.
She was dying. That much was painfully obvious. She was dying and Castiel couldn't save her. He wasn't enough of an angel to do that.
But he wanted to. God, did he want to. He'd saved Sam and Dean countless times, but this girl… Something was different. His time with her had been different. He could feel it. It felt strange, yet wonderful. He wanted more of that time. He needed more of that time.
"Nothing you can do, huh?" She asked the words softly. There was blood coming from her mouth, and yet she still spoke so clearly. Castiel knew the answer to her question – no – but he couldn't bring himself to say the word. He wanted to save her. He wanted that time back. He wanted her.
"I'm sorry. I should be able to do something." He replied. He felt angry, almost enraged. It wasn't fair. He should be able to fix her. He should be able to heal her. He should be able to do SOMETHING because it wasn't fair that this girl had to die. She was too young. She was too good. She was too important to him. "Anything," he added, furious with himself. "I should be able to heal you. I've brought people back from the dead, from Hell itself. I've dragged Dean and Sam through time, dispelled angels with a sigil carved in to the flesh of my own vessel, fought my older brothers and won; I've traveled miles and miles, seen so much horror and sadness and still survived through it all." As he spoke then, he'd seen every instance he'd mentioned. Those had been natural. Those had been supposed to happen. But this…
This shouldn't be natural. This shouldn't be what was supposed to happen. She deserved to live. She deserved a life.
A life with him.
The thought came to Castiel's mind unbidden. He hadn't considered that before, not consciously. There was a reason he'd saved her, of course. She had been different. She had always been different.
"But I can't save you." He finished. The anger was gone from his voice now. Why did he think that? Why did he think of a life with her? Why, when he thought that this wasn't fair, did he feel personally cheated as well? And not because he couldn't heal her. It was something else.
"Why can't I save you?"
"You can't save everyone, Castiel." She said. She put a hand on his face, and Castiel had the strangest urge that he didn't even want to name. It was… Inappropriate for the moment.
That didn't make the thought go away, though. That didn't remove the feeling that, in that moment, all he wanted to do with every fiber of his being was kiss her.
"Are you really an angel?" Her question shocked him from his thoughts. "The what-the-hell factor has finally kind of worn off. I believed you guys because nothing else made sense. Nothing else still makes sense, but I just have to ask, one last time. Is this all real?"
He could tell her no. He could lie and say that she's dreaming, that it was all a dream, and she'd go to Heaven thinking it was all a dream and lead whatever life she was set to while in her Heaven. He could erase her memories right then and there of all that pain, he was adamant he could still do that simple task, and she would die peacefully. She would die unburdened with the information she had.
But he didn't want to. He… He wanted her to remember him.
"It's all real, Kai." He promised. "Everything, demons and angels and prophets and whatever else Dean and Sam have told you, it's all real."
They were real. The emotions he was feeling… As he spoke he felt that they were real too. He still wanted to kiss her. He still felt robbed and cheated to have only spent a short amount of time with her. He still wanted to scream at the universe that this wasn't fair, that they both deserved more.
"Does that mean Heaven is real?" She didn't have long. Castiel could see the light in her eyes (bright eyes, beautiful eyes, smiling and caring and wonderful eyes) start to fade.
"Yes." He answered.
"Do you think I'll go to Heaven?"
"Yes." He knew she would. She was too good and too kind and too... Too important to Castiel for her not to go.
"Promise me you'll visit?" The words made Castiel's heart feel heavy. He wanted to say yes again. He wanted to see her every day; wanted nothing else more but the chance to see her again.
But that wasn't the reality, and he couldn't lie to her. He couldn't bring himself to do that.
"I'm an outcast from my own kind." He said. "To go in to Heaven would make things bad for you." He didn't want that. He didn't want her to face hell in Heaven. In Heaven, she would at least be safe.
"You'll be an angel again, Castiel, just like the others. I promise." She removed her hand from his face. Why did she do that? He looked back at her, concerned. Was this it? Was this her time?
No. He wasn't ready. He didn't want it to be her time. He wanted to scream at the sky and beg for just a few more minutes, but he couldn't do that either. He couldn't lie to her, and in this moment he couldn't worry her. She was… She was dying.
She was dying. That was it.
And in that moment, he had to be strong for this girl. His feelings and sudden emotions didn't matter as much, not when she was dying. He couldn't do any of this without making it worse for her, he was certain.
The hug she gave him almost made his resolve crumble. "Find me when you are, wherever I end up. Don't try to save me," her cough was wet. These were her last words. "I'm not worth saving. I just want to see you one more time." She went limp in his arms. That was it. That was what broke him.
"Kai?" No. Not now. She was good. She was pure. She didn't have the same blood on her hands that the rest of them did. "Kai!" He wanted to tell her those things, tell her about those feelings. He felt like he needed to now. He didn't know why, but he did. He wanted to tell her that he wanted to kiss her. He wanted to tell her that these feelings were new and strange and that he didn't understand them, but that he would like to try and reach an understanding with her. He wanted to listen to her talk. He wanted to… to…
He knew, in that moment. He knew exactly what he had been feeling, right when it was too late. For a moment… He'd felt love. He'd felt emotions of love and anguish and regret at the death of her.
He was an angel. Angels weren't supposed to feel those things.
But he had.
He vowed to himself that day that he would find a way to bring her back. He would do whatever it took to do that. He… He had to know. It was selfish on his part, but he had to know why he felt those things.
He wondered then if he would even be capable of feeling them again. Feeling love. Feeling fear. Feeling despair. Feeling such strong emotions for a human.
"I don't quite know why, but it was then that I was certain I had at least held the capacity to feel love for her." Castiel brought himself from the memory, focusing once more on Jack. "And then she…" Castiel didn't see her from way back then this time. Instead he saw her as he last had, on the ground. Amazed. Pained. Dying. Looking at him. Always looking at him. "She did die." Castiel pushed the image from his head, quietly reaching in to his pocket. The rock was still warm. She was fine. She was alive. She was just taking some time off.
"But death isn't always the end." Jack said the words almost reverently. Castiel smiled, nodding a little.
"And it wasn't for her." He confirmed.
"Did you burn her?"
"No. I was determined to bring her back somehow, possibly call in a favor from an angel." Cas shook his head with a smile. "But I didn't bring her back. Another angel did."
"Why?"
"They wanted me to live a human life, a good one. I was told to live out my own epic story." Castiel could just barely hear Metatron's words from then.
"I'll even send you back with someone to help you. You seemed to like the human well enough. Write your epic story with her."
And in a way, he had. Castiel hated to thank Metatron for anything, but in that he could. Metatron sent her back, too. He'd brought her back to life. If he hadn't done that, she would have probably stayed in Heaven. Castiel would not have been able to even fathom asking a favor from Heaven until a long time after that. Even now the prospect was an unsavory one.
"I learned when she came back that I could continue to love her." Castiel said. "I may have realized I could love her as she died, but I learned I could remain in love for an eternity by being around her more. I knew I would not be the same man without her."
"How… How did you tell her? When did you tell her?" Jack seemed almost entranced with the story, his eyes open and childlike. He hadn't asked Kylie these questions. He hadn't felt comfortable with it.
"We fought, and I shouted it at her." Castiel said bluntly. This swept away the childlike gaze from Jack's face, replacing it with confusion.
"But… You fight with someone and shout at them when you are angry with them." Jack stated.
"That's correct."
"And you… you told Kylie you loved her while you were angry with her?"
"Yes." Jack sat in silence, working through this information in his head. Castiel chuckled softly. "I did not intend to. I was worried about her safety and she was still emotional over the death of a close friend, Kevin, and it just…" Castiel didn't know a better way to explain it. He had been trying to make her understand, and the words just… just flew from him of their own volition. "Here, may I show you?" He asked. Jack nodded. Without hesitation, Castiel gently laid two fingers on either side of Jack's head.
"You're leaving." Castiel had heard her rummaging through her room, had come in elated to see her. He was going to tell her. That was it. He was going to tell her, right then and there, how he felt. He couldn't hold it to himself any more. If she died again, and he hadn't told her he loved her… He would never forgive himself for that. Not a second time.
It was obvious the second he looked around that she did not intend to stay.
"You're damn right I am." She didn't look at him, just kept rummaging around. "I'm gonna hunt that bastard Gadreel down."
"And you thought it would be alright to not speak with me while you did this." The idea of that infuriated Castiel. He had been extremely worried about her.
"Why? You plan on stopping me?" She sounded just as infuriated.
"If I need to, yes."
The ensuing argument was painful. Castiel hated being angry with her, but… It was as though he was a shaken bottle of carbonated liquid. He had too many things he'd wanted to tell her. He was terrified that she might die again, alone, and that Castiel would lose his chance forever to say these things. He would never forgive himself if she died and he hadn't been there to save her. Not again.
Their words turned to shouts, and Castiel's voice shouted the loudest when he lost control and simply couldn't NOT tell her anymore.
"BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, DAMMIT!"
Time seemed to freeze in that moment. Cas stopped, realizing what he'd said. Or, more accurately, just screamed in her face in an extremely impolite way. That wasn't… That wasn't how he wanted to say it. He had had words planned. Kylie, I love you. As I've come to get to know you I can't ignore that fact anymore. Angels aren't supposed to feel love, but I do. I love you. I love you, and I had to tell you.
"You…" Her breath was shaky, and her voice was quiet. It was an extreme change from the shouting match they'd just been in. "You love me?"
"Yes." Castiel promised. Then a thought entered his mind. What if she didn't love him back? What if she didn't want him to love her? He had to ask. He had to know. "Is that alright?"
"Yes." That was one of the happiest moments in Castiel's life. The only one that topped that was when she said she'd marry him, back when they had lived in an apartment together.
"Dean and Sam had a bet going on as to the when and who for this." Castiel finished, withdrawing his hands. "Neither of them won." Jack blinked a few times, allowing the memory to find it's place in his mind. Finally, though, he spoke.
"Why would they place a wager on that?" Castiel almost laughed. Out of everything, Jack asked about that. It was almost comical. But then again… It made sense. Jack had seen everything else. He had seen Castiel's fear turn to frustration. He had seen why Castiel had shouted at her.
"I'm still not certain." Castiel replied. The pair in question was still asleep. It was time-consuming, sleep. Castiel knew that Jack felt the same way. But in some ways, it can also be peaceful. "I believe it was entertaining to them."
"Oh." Jack thought for a moment. "They showed me a different form of entertainment, Netflix. I like it." Castiel smiled. He remembered what Netflix was. It was definitely one of the more entertaining of human creations.
"What was your favorite thing to see on Netflix?"
"Sam recommended The Lord of The Rings. That one was fun. I liked the ideas behind it." He started. From his tone, Castiel could feel a short list forming in Jack's mind. "Dean didn't quite recommend anything, but he seemed to approve of Star Wars. I think Dean has more music ideas in mind instead of movie or TV ideas." That sounded about right with Dean's personality. "Kylie showed me a television show called Doctor Who. That one is very fun." Castiel remembered that one. It involved aliens. Her personal belief was that aliens were just monsters in disguise. "I… I like it when the good guys win. I like cheering for the good guys."
"That's a good thing." Castiel complimented.
"Did…" Jack sounded hesitant about this question. "Did Lucifer like movies?"
"No." Castiel said automatically. "He didn't care much about anything human."
"Oh." He sounded better after that answer. Castiel still felt compelled to talk a little more, though.
"For the record, you aren't like him." Castiel stated. "You look more like your mother than you look like him. You're kinder than him." Castiel smiled a little. "You're better than him, Jack. Don't forget that. Lucifer may be the angel that sired you, but that does not doom you to be like him."
"Intent." Jack muttered.
"What?"
"Just… Just something Kylie told me." Jack smiled a little. "She was helping me learn to use my powers. She said that magic depended on intent, and that… That people did too." Jack looked thoughtful as he spoke. "A person's intent defines who they are, not their lineage."
"That's a very wise thing to say." Castiel complimented.
"Thank you."
"Do you believe it?"
"I do." He sounded firm in those words. "I think I really do."
"Good." Castiel patted him on the back lightly. They talked a little more about different things here and there while they researched. Castiel felt glad that Jack was so comfortable telling him these things, and even more so that the young child felt so comfortable with asking other questions.
No matter what, Castiel was proud of Jack. He was doing good. He was good.
For a prideful moment he almost wished Lucifer was there, if only to rub it in his face that his child was better than him.